What to Do When Your Partner Says NO to INTIMACY | Dr. John Gottman’s Surprising Advice

[@melkerner]

When she says no for 15 years - yeah, it IS about not desiring you or connection,.

[@marilember]

I don't think the person getting "rejected" is the one who needs to make this emotional effort. I think it's fair and works most harmoniously when the "rejecter" is the one offering the other alternatives to connecting, showing that it's therefore actually not a real rejection. The emotions of the "rejected" one need support in that situation.

[@rachelmel]

I disagree. And I'm speaking as the one who's more often the "more amorous" one. It's hard to say no to your partner and then be met with silence because it feels manipulative. It's really important for the other partner to make it clear that saying no is safe and you're not going to punish them for it. I think both partners could do this, but neither one is more entitled than the other to have their feelings tended to.

[@SausageBear]

No speaking as a higher libido partner, it’s not my wife’s job to manage my feelings. Also if I want to connect with her what are the chances sex is the only way I want to connect? If the answer is just sex you’ve got t ask yourself, do I want sex with my wife or do I just want to use my wife for sex? Because if it’s about a relationship with another human being then there’s very likely something else we could that we could both enjoy.

[@whatisahandle221]

Re: rejector putting in additional suggestions for alternate emotional connection That might be “fair” in an equally “fair world, but in the real world: *forgiveness won’t start until at least one person has the wisdom and courage to own up-and another accepts them *re-connecting won’t happen until someone reaches out to rebuild-after an initial rejection or fight *change won’t happen until someone decides to change the dynamic-and calmly has the courage to stay to their convictions and principles >< And, motivations won’t change: period. Only figuring out better how hour loved one is motivated and encouraging them in compatible ways will elicit heartfelt behavioral change. Anything else is just asking them to lie or pretend-or, more likely, to resent you.

[@Wildwoodcreations01]

So what do you do when your wife tells you NO for months at a time like 6 months plus? In the last 5 years we've had sex a total of 22 times. I'm so lost and to the point, I want out, I can't handle the rejection any more!

[@bearclaw5115]

A. Stop counting. B. Make sure she knows you have other options (get in shape, dress nicer, be seen by other women). C. If that fails, go for the other women!

[@scottturner3831]

You need to immediately find someone you can talk to in depth about this. The internet can offer general tips, but you need specifics. Find a therapist in your area, a sex therapist if you can, and go in and talk open and honestly as much as you can to get some real advice.

[@KerriKnox]

Geez, have you talked to her? When you have sex, what is she getting out of it? When she doesn't want sex , do you say fine and still touch and live her? My guess is that the only time you touch her is to get sex?

[@katrinafox844]

Does she have some health problems? Why is she saying no? Hormonal imbalance can cause low libido and it happens to both sexes. Don't give up. In the meantime show her love by giving back rubs and other affection. I felt rejection when my husband was having health problems and didn't want to be intimate. I thought I was undesirable but it really wasn't about me.

[@DudleyOP]

Ignore first reply unless you want your marriage to end +1 on the don't count, it's not a particularly healthy way to go about this, it will leave you unsatisfied when your "quota" isn't met, like what even is the right amount for you? What's the right amount for her, having and open dialogue about needs with sex and intimacy could help clear this up. Katrinas reply is great, talk to her and let her know how you feel gently and without blame, that she seems to be uninterested in sex and you feel rejected, why is that? Perhaps there's something wrong and she's unsure of herself and bringing it up in general. Make sure to see both sides and don't turn it into an argument, approach with compassion, care and patience

[@medusagorgon9]

When my kids were young I had an extremely low sex drive. Mainly because my ex-husband did very little around the house, but also because I had young children constantly around me. He thought going to work (8-4:30) was all the contribution he needed to give towards our growing family. I took care of the kids all day (even after he got home), and doing all the work within the house and outside yard work! I was exhausted by the end of the day, and sleeping was the only thing on the agenda! Once in awhile he would wash dishes after dinner! This was his way of saying he's helping out so that we can have sex. I don't assume this, this is what he told me. 🙄 Yeah okay. So you can't be bothered to help me any other day, but when you think you will benefit from it, you'll do it. Oh yeah, that'll definitely get me in the mood.🤨 Of course he would throw an absolute fit, when things didn't work out.

[@kaizenborntowin]

Thank you! Dr. John Delony recommends that couples put sex on the calendar, that helps too.

[@bimaloxley]

As a sex therapist, I would recommend scheduling intimacy, not sex. Because if you need to schedule it, there's probably pressure to do it, so easing the expectation helps. intimacy will happen, sex might, but if not, you've still connected and been intentional with one another :)

[@jennifermicallef]

But do you know why she says no? I have no idea what it could be. But I have a bunch of questions to ask you both. Are there any intimacy obstacles or untrustworthy behaviors or sexual abuse history/vaginal pain/erectile issues/hygiene or attraction deficits/is she satisfied with you sexually/is her body her only area of control in the relationship?....

[@TheBrpalmer]

To me this situation feels like she has a locked fridge full of delicious food, I can only eat food from her fridge and she's the only one who can unlock it, I haven't eaten anything in at least a month and I'm starving, I ask her for some food and she says no because she's full. Then I die. The end.

[@rainbowconnected]

Only in the actual situation, you won't die without sex. No one owes you sex. Ever. If they don't want to say yes to it, perhaps consider why that might be. You could ask them why and if there's something you could do to help them be more in the mood. But it still holds that they are under no obligation to say yes. In fact, holding the attitude that they are obligated to give you sex might be a major part of the problem. Entitlement to another person's body is not sexy.

[@bearclaw5115]

@@rainbowconnected Your ridiculous. Sex is what defines being in a romantic relationship. If your not having sex you are friends at best. Most likely this guy's woman in not attracted to him and interested only in the the things he is providing to the relationship. His best bet is for her to see he has other options and possibly go for one of them if necessary. His willingness to tolerate not getting what he wants is likely making him less attractive in her eyes.

[@kananisA75]

Leave! Joke😂