When fantasy meets reality: Sexual communication in relationships | Mike Anderson | TEDxUMKC

The disclosure of sexual fantasies can play a vital role in both the sexual satisfaction, and relational satisfaction of one’s romantic relationship. This talk explores what sexual fantasies look like, and the possible benefits involved with acting out and communicating one’s favorite or most recurring sexual fantasy.
Mike Anderson received his master’s degree and doctorate in communication studies at the University of Kansas. Mike’s thesis and dissertation both examined the taboo topic of sex in romantic relationships. He has been published in magazines, newspapers, academic books, and academic journals including the Journal of Sex Research. In graduate school he hosted a radio show on KJHK that featured sex and relationship advice. The show was called “Kansas in Heat.” Currently Mike is the host and principle writer of a late night television talk show in Kansas called the Not So Late Show. Since it began in 2011 the show has won several awards. In 2012 Mike was named by Reader’s Digest as the “Most Interesting Character in Small Town America.”
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@udonfrenzy]

As someone who is the BDSM community, none of this is new information. We've known this anecdotally for a long time. Disclosing the darkest parts of you and allowing yourself to be truly vulnerable in such a way is a profound experience, especially when a partner not only accepts your fantasies, but then chooses to engage in them with you. It's nice to see actual studies being done to support what we've known to be true. I hope there are even more studies going forward!

[@brightbulb9778]

"Goddess" concurs.

[@gaborkorthy8355]

I was blessed to find my life partner late in my life (60 y/o) who to my delight is into BD/SM. Prior to this all my partners were vanilla who at best would humor me with lackluster participation. At worst openly ridiculed me. Unless you are in the scene it is hard to understand that incredible feeling of closeness and intimacy one feels after a particularly intense session.

[@one4320]

@@adrianlayne4026 nobody cares

[@ctoconnor1732]

this man is my public speaking professor and i should not have watched this while still enrolled in his course

[@atable2505]

I just looked this video up because my roommate is in his course

[@LottieLucid]

Why not? I think it was a great talk. Nowt wrong with the subject matter.

[@ctoconnor1732]

@@LottieLucid man it's weird seeing your professor talk about wanting to bone Icelandic women

[@LottieLucid]

@@ctoconnor1732 haha oh well, i guess you'll get over it

[@vipsylar6370]

@Jackson Scully We all do. That's for sure.

[@Vickyy217]

As a Psychology major who finds human sexuality fascinating, I absolutely loved this talk. I've watched many talks and ready many books on sexuality but found this to be very unique in nature and extremely interesting. Mr Anderson is also fantastic at giving talks; I didn't find myself getting bored at any point and I loved his humour. Great job!

[@vishaltalreja3560]

vickykbeauty hi; would you be open to a discussion involving my questions and situation?

[@nasardocs3183]

Share the name of books please. I have read fifty shades trilogy.

[@diaperdude6163]

lots of words. no meanings.

[@william4661]

@Elay v He's got a "Situation" in his pants. rofl

[@drhoarderdyingalone3130]

Vicky Koukoutsika- you're absolutely right! I second each and every word of yours. Thank you for the intelligent comment.

[@fostxswire1600]

Woah, what a great talk. I was worried this might be cringy, but it was intriguing.

[@denisemc607]

Thank you for sharing your research in such an adroit and entertaining style! How lucky we are to have access to so much real information!

[@nicoco4974]

This was interesting and entertaining. Laughed the whole time. Good job 👍🏽

[@ocrapitssij]

This guy is ridiculous but he’s hilarious and a great speaker lol. I loved this talk! Very informative.

[@lcluff3649]

Thank you for sharing your insight. This is a rare gem in the mainstream.... much needed

[@markfosdick190]

This was a very good presentation.

[@ADDIDASSSSSSSSSSSSSS]

Mike, great lecture. I agree that it is especially important to tell a woman right away that your Mom says that you are a catch. This will show her right away that you are a high value male and that your Mom even validates this fact. Thanks for the advice.

[@kairawyssrobinson7074]

Great and fun talk! Very true in my own experience. Wait until you get to the REALLY kinky fantasies! They will change your sex life around, if you have the courage to own and share them. It builds a lot of intimacy.

[@fooddrugadministrator4079]

I can fantasize about my husband on Ritalin

[@recyclespinning9839]

Tell me your fantasies

[@natashasoulchild9232]

I agree, depends on yourself and the partner you pick sometimes x

[@fmtvarse]

maybe you should go on and tell us about your kinky fantasies .... id certainly be watching

[@fmtvarse]

sorry listening

[@SouthEastSJ]

When fantasy meets reality you are in heaven. 😉

[@sne631]

Respect for this man.

[@lawrence18uk]

Nancy Friday researched extensively on male and female fantasies back in the 1970s in her many books, including "My Secret Garden" and "Men in Love"

[@Broxine]

True, great books

[@nadanaim307]

I agree, awesome books

[@Smackedup100]

Outstanding presentation

[@purplelillyx9895]

Brilliant. Good talk

[@jennifermenth-pavel1260]

Fantastic video and a great topic.

[@lic.marcelogallo]

Great Job Mike! Great talk.

[@ezra7253]

tough crowd this was amazing

[@walkietalkie3229]

Thank you for the enlighting sharing

[@michaelcarolan3117]

Good talk

[@bedroomkandibymsj2846]

Amazing presentation!!!

[@yvesgomes]

Great stuff! The key was in the quantification of the data, even though its raw form was rather qualitative.

[@one4320]

👀

[@perfumaphilia3246]

Such an important topic and interesting presentation. No spoilers for the people watching, but the "most common person" was actually the main character of one of the few pieces of literotica that I've read. Pretty funny.

[@KRV1351]

One year later....... Well I honestly thought he was joking when he said it was Flo.........

[@aldousamin3240]

Terrific

[@jennodine]

Go Flo!

[@anon6056]

This guy's fun😄 i love the confidence

[@joycesunday3054]

This makes lots of sense

[@JudyBonilla]

That’s it! I’m dressing up as FLOW for Halloween 😅❤️

[@martinkarp9298]

luv to see you.

[@joseamorales84]

U should lol

[@marykappes4047]

LOL. Good idea!

[@TheArtemis07]

I would love to see Flo‘s reaction to this news!

[@rizzamaeong]

he has a cool job.

[@wandafrazier5206]

Thank you.

[@bruja_cat]

"Unfortunately, I can't swim in vanilla pudding" I AM FUCKING SCREAMING xD LMAO!!!

[@marishasookdeo8578]

Lol crazy cool funny!

[@vipsylar6370]

I love the part when he reads: "mouth to mouth resuscitation not necessarily in the lips that breaths". Super hot fantasy, I would love to do that mouth to mouth resuscitation in a woman. Hahaha

[@BiracialLaurie]

He looks like tim roth, and sounds like him too

[@Earthplantsandsunshine]

good talk! interesting and very informative, it's also good to see how different fantasies change as of specifics. Great idea for a relationship that is lagging or older. I was married for 20 years & we didn't incorporate this into our bedroom, thank you for the funny stories!

[@abufidu]

Try disclosing your fantasy to a judgmental partner living in the 19th century

[@cherryliang5117]

Structure-wise this is an amazing talk

[@carlyschweighardt2657]

this is in fact, my communications professor.

[@AddictedToCandyx]

Geesh, those are all my fave topics! Lol no wonder I get such funny looks on first dates

[@ASKaaron32]

not very suprising but highly amusing, maybe good and helpful for those grown up in more chaste taboo ridden families. Talking open minded about everything with everyone or the people you hold in confidence can only be beneficial in the long term^^

[@bxabi0]

this talk tells useful info about fantasies, and it's also entertaining :)

[@megangallagher2200]

he deserved more laughs lol great talk!

[@Florkl]

I'm curious about how this would apply to ethnicities. Anyone can dress as a firefighter, but it's much harder to make an Asian look Icelandic.

[@khadyuthazarika5975]

i opened 7 accounts just to like this comment

[@CrystalTwinStar]

I don't think the discussion creates the bond; it isn't that powerful. I think the bond is present FIRST, which IS Powerful and affords them the comfort level to discuss it.

[@LardGargantuus]

Okay but the science says otherwise...

[@neonaviolett6281]

oh my Got, I just fall in love...such sense of humour :)

[@pandurangaiahankalugari5785]

with whom

[@martinkarp9298]

@@pandurangaiahankalugari5785 dream on.

[@marciasloan534]

Post divorce, a guy INSANELY told me HIS FANTASY. It was soooooo Violent, I never trusted him again. He left me. I was very relieved. Blocked my number. Unfortunately still in my area.

[@reallydoe2052]

U ok🥺

[@marciasloan534]

I meant to say I blocked his # Thanks for asking. So far so good

[@reallydoe2052]

@@marciasloan534 stay safe baby girl ok

[@louellabelle868]

This is great 😁

[@navinshirke6588]

Good open talk, fantasy can of multiple personalities .

[@la1649]

Jealous no but fascinated yes

[@mikejohnson7696]

There may be A benefit to disclosure, I strongly suspect acting it out has a much bigger benefit. For me, definitely the case.

[@lostmotion18]

Hormones screaming to come out are what drive men to satisfy a women’s emotional needs.

[@reallydoe2052]

?

[@joshuahorton-campbell3554]

Dressing like an undertaker increases trust. Smart move as a man in this day and age, especially if you want to reach a broader audience.

[@madaraw7238]

Your comment is hilarious! I laughed so much it made me cry.

[@mainee3699]

Thank you 🎈😊😊😊😄😅😂❤

[@kazg9119]

This guy reminds me of Howard from the big bang theory😂

[@tomokilabruce4853]

The Rightful Heir to the Iron Throne !... Oh my God. I can hear Howard’s voice now that you mention it

[@kel5710]

🤣

[@joseamorales84]

Lol legit

[@UnitXification]

He's such a Wallowitz!

[@ralphrose1]

I'm 💯 percent on board y with your PERFECT description of my 40 yr marriage..my love transitioned 3 yrs ago while performing sexily not exsempually but for sure OUT WITH A BANG!!!!...its just like him, to depart in a most Genius manner...the love of my life had photogenic memory capabilty

[@pisceanrat]

What if that fantasy does not involve your partner AT ALL...

[@sorrowandsufferin924]

So.. what are you saying?

[@angelicaarteaga9311]

You’re fantasy is isolation lol

[@maazhassan5427]

Role play

[@mohit-pb3oz]

It's so called as cheating .

[@sorrowandsufferin924]

@@mohit-pb3oz Only if you have a partner

[@ciaran6309]

I'm in that 15 percent. 😁👌

[@leareyes15]

Lol who else thinks he sounds like the science host from crash course ?

[@AlineMayne1]

Bjork is Icelandic and she’s not like that 😁

[@lisamitchell3116]

Aline Mayne no Bjork is much hotter 😊

[@one4320]

Fascinating

[@pidouble145]

This was surprisingly funny 😄

[@geewizlana]

Discussing fantasies is too vulnerable and feels unmasking. But i also know women who don't have a fantasy or a specific scenario

[@allieconzola]

This guy's voice and manner of speaking sound exactly like Hank Green lol

[@RosieOs101]

Allie Conzola Hank from Scishow?

[@laylarahman11]

Where can I find more of this man?

[@ahmidvanstaden3179]

You do WhatsApp

[@mohit-pb3oz]

In comment section .

[@Joel_FC]

I like how the inner freak of all the innocent looking girls is coming out on the comments xD

[@markbeeman3093]

Mine shuts me down.

[@AndreHypnosis]

Vicky Koukoutsika I'm glad you've enjoyed yourself watching this too. Congratulations on your great choice of psychology as well. Now would you like to dress up as Flo from Progressive and study with me? :D

[@jessicasandhu1858]

He luks and sound like chase from HOUSE

[@ameslygirl]

Personally, I got Mathew from Downton Abbey vibes.

[@mercyshaver5264]

❤️

[@lexiusmarti]

Tim Roth anyone? Reservoir dogs anyone?

[@FA_2_Pilot]

Bingo

[@msj6324]

Absolutely 💯 Males want an extra person an female not another male, Fantasy.. It's emotional factor when the other party shift to the other person just to please their partner and goes left field 💔..

[@annamaegold]

💖

[@paulmoore7064]

In my experience, disclosing fantasies is usually the beginning of the end of the relationship.

[@ronandheather3079]

Paul Moore then your in the WRONG relationship.

[@tonioshea9870]

I think it depends on the fantasy... just a thought.

[@lacie623]

That's too bad, but you should be able to talk about your fantasies without worrying about it destroying your relationship. Have you thought about discussing this with your partner? You might be surprised at the outcome, provided you do it in a loving & vulnerable way.

[@paulmoore7064]

@@lacie623 Partner?

[@lacie623]

@@paulmoore7064 yeah, your girlfriend?

[@vannymwamba]

progressive advertisement...Brilliant!

[@noronahahaha]

kabwayi mwamba or just reproducible science.

[@Belinda99]

yes but alot of guys online tell me all their fantasies but theyre not dating me they dont wanna do it they just want as much as poss without taking you out coz theres this big amount now of guys who seem to think that taking u out for drinks or dinner is dating when its not and its coz i write erotica they feel at ease talking to me

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

Do you like them doing this? It sounds like you oughta get paid for it.

[@globalcat]

I know this isn't on topic .. but looking at this guy, the hair and suit.. did he walk out of 1977??

[@latinaalma1947]

Yeah I like men in suits I want d to beg him please just shorts and a tshirt...

[@downsjmmyjones101]

That second level 3 fantasy is SO hard to believe. It sounds like a super tumblr shitpost.

[@farmerfreakeasy9577]

What happens if your sexual fantasy is something illegal though ? The man who lives above me is into something that makes me feel physically sick.

[@farmerfreakeasy9577]

Let's just say it's from the dark side. Slime included.

[@H00133303]

slime?? I'm intrigued now

[@darrylrobidaable]

Don't forget that there are no thought police. If it is illegal, no matter, you mind has the ability to enjoy the fantasy as if it were completely real. It can do this, but it is a bit tricky. I have been able to live fantasy as if it were real for as long as 10 min. And it was REAL for at least that 10 minutes. Later I cleaned up in my mind all the ragged details that leaves. So, I went there, lived as a Roman and returned safely. I have been out of the mental hospital for 14 yrs and running. Oh, I'm a survivor of attempted maternal filicide at age 5. I guess, I learned special ways to think to get thru that especially when I lived with my mother for another 14 yrs.

[@tylerbarker4763]

they could put a opid field hypothetically l(like the smallingishtis mostlyt in the past in your, to bump it up 5m or million per year

[@janetwhite7786]

What?

[@tinahuttner7280]

Well depending on what's in your fantasy you may not be able to accomplish it.

[@gergelycsontos1435]

I think one of the major point of the video was that you don't necessary need to anyway. Your relationship improves just by saying out loud and discussing it with the partner.

[@wakawakaabby4779]

A + B = C 😩

[@dull218]

No just stop...

[@lilacsilverwing]

She may not be Icelandic but she definitely reminds me of Bjork 🤣

[@linationalism]

lilacsilverwing THATS WHAT I THOUGHT OF she’s gorgeous too 🤤

[@sandra.saverio]

He is so funny! And fine funny men are hot in my real experience. Books or oder vidéos of him ?

[@hayraceleste]

the way he mentioned taylor swift twice in this video really surprised me lol

[@sunsetmoon5235]

Gee, wonder where his mind was when he slipped and said, " I'm looking at my 'tipit' "... 1:59 😆

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

I wondered too.........

[@apoorrvgupta1658]

Why r we discussing super private lives on a public platform ? The world is going crazier by the day..

[@zakuro8532]

mating

[@louiseerbslisbjerg7854]

Honestly - it's a talk I dont want to have and never did. I feel pressured enough to live up to either own fantasiss I dont actually want to act out because they are over my personal boundries - and I would'nt want to feel obligated to live out my partners fantasies if they are not sonething I would feel comfortable abd safe with. I've grown up in a generation that seem to think that if you put it out there - then it has to happen. My boundries have been crossed SO many times in the past because others seem to think it just has to be the way they want it. And no matter what I do I will never have the tall, skinny, perfect body(ies) my husband used to have; no matter how much that would be the star of his fantasies I cant live up to it - so I dont want to know, being 40 with a c-section belly, cellulite and saggy boobs. I dont believe for a second that he or abybody else would look at me with aby kind of fantasy or desire to do something, without thinking of others all the way through.

[@anaturalwoman]

Please don't think I'm judging but sounds like you need to work on loving yourself. We all have flaws but you can work toward being "the best you" you can be.

[@meghnasengupta2000]

Think about what you want. What others think is their problem.

[@brianderhen9392]

As a man I respectfully disagree. There are countless men, countless people, that would drool over you, whether or not your current partner is one of them. I hope you give yourself more credit.

[@Hannah-zc8gn]

Somehow I feel like the second fantasy was from the author of "My Immortal"

[@mattgoodmangoodmanlawnmowi2454]

Dude she wanted to see if you wanted to be with her enough to rusk a physical confrontation with an assertive male. Wrong choice. She was looking for Ragnar. A son of Ragnar. Yku chose to not resist her possible abandonment. You can say what you want. I know what I am talking about. Story of my youth. - Matt’s dad English blood, i fell for a beautiful and smart Irish girl. Only woman I never F’d around on. My boldness cajught her eye. It has had its ups & downs. But she still knows & believes that It am different. I go after what I want and often get it. Read the best sellers in women’s romantic fiction. Not a shy nice romantic make in them. -Matt’s dad

[@FoodShowFan]

Why is it always these goofy dudes talking about this, and not the hemsworths? His intro was cringey

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

They don't need to.

[@Montpetitartist]

)

[@constrictum]

A man talking about sex. Let's get ready to rumbleeee! Fight!

[@mansiarora885]

Also, I see the male fantasies didn't interest you as much.

[@victoriadream]

2:42 mins in and I’m bored cuz I can’t relate to Icelandic beauty sir...

[@martinkarp9298]

oh

[@pisceanrat]

Who knows if he has icelandic babies if only he were bold enough then... missed opportunity

[@jamesbeemer7855]

Hmm.. Iceland has lesser attractive women just like other places . His focus is on the super model . He can have the super model unless she comes to you 😉 ; to spite him ... Oh yeah sweet revenge .😁

[@ronneyrendon5045]

I prefer men with steel blue eyes actually.

[@karmax9134]

why doesnt he do comedy?

[@cocoslover100]

Wanting means not having. The stronger fantasy activated in the rational brain, the less blood flows to emotional gut brain to attract women in reality.

[@KaoXoni]

Was that Law of Attraction on a neurological level?!

[@cocoslover100]

Attraction comes from feeling as spiritial energy waves, not from brain thinking.