When Friends Leave

[@paulhorton5612]

I've lived in a bunch of places. No1 tip from me - join something and do something - join a church, sports club, book club, music group, art class, choir, local history group - whatever your interest. All these groups socialise around shared passions and activities and pretty quickly you have a social circle. Takes guts to show up and ask to join in, but usually these groups are only too happy for new members.

[@JaySwanson]

Great advice 🥂

[@agyos]

Time patience caring interest…I think you hit all the good points!

[@FrenchMartini]

Less than 72 hours ago, I too was walking through Metro stations and the streets of Paris (it was a fantastic trip). I went with a good friend, and she actually had made 3 friends on her prior trip to Paris (she stayed 2.5 months last March-May). We got to meet up with one of them - who lives a short RER train ride outside of Paris - and she drove us to/from Fontainebleau. In short, while it can be hard to make friends, especially as one ages, it's certainly not impossible.

[@JaySwanson]

Not impossible, and well worth the effort 🥂

[@SanBrunoBeacon]

Cooper is doing double duty. He's a friend and a friend magnet...

[@treyywayyy]

Why did this make me emotional 😅 2 years down in Prague and this is one of the bigger struggles I’ve had (Czech is quite the challenge). Makes the friends you do make along the way all the more special I suppose 🥂

[@JaySwanson]

Nothing good comes easy, but easy also comes in different shades 😅

[@skiergirl4753]

I really appreciated today's subject - friendships are relationships and they do deserve work and care. I have lived all over the world and love moving to a new place and finding new people - I have been lucky to understand that friends are not automatic and it is worth cultivating something with people who truly matter. One thing that has been hard for me to recognise and implement is that sometimes you have to walk away. I am in a very toxic work situation which has allowed me to make some stellar friends who I will cherish for life. I create a lot of space for people who need it. There have been a couple of people who take that time and energy and then done some truly lousy things in return. I allow each person to behave this way a couple of times then very subtly adjust the access and energy that I share. You deserve friends who value you and what you bring and it isn't selfish to know your value (it took me a looooong time to get to this point). Thank you again for sharing 🙂

[@andyshacks7812]

It’s hard enough to make good friends when you’re young but it only gets more difficult as you get older in my experience. I have in friend of over 30 years and although we are no longer in constant touch and don’t see each other that often, when we do, it’s like we only saw each other last week. I really treasure his friendship. Hope it all works out for Sarah in NY !

[@jennifer_u]

I bet Cooper would be my friend..with the right treats 😆

[@pathallam986]

All good advice. I have had to go through this process in Paris the last few years and one thing I would add is: don't put all your eggs in one friendship basket ie have only one friendship circle. You don't want to become a social butterfly, never really getting to know anyone well, but if two or three people from one group leave (not even to go home abroad but maybe move to another city) you might find yourself back to square one. Cultivate a couple of different groups of friends and you're less likely to find yourself on your own again. Also, French has 2 useful words for 'friend': copain/copine - the kind of friend you might go to an exhibition or a concert with - and 'ami(e)' - the friend you can get blind drunk & share life stories with. Expect to make 'copains' to start with & hopefully some will develop into 'amis'.

[@bassclefpaco]

Jay, I've enjoyed your growth over the years. Really in the last few years, you've taken big steps. I think we have had to learn similar lessons in different ways and I appreciate you putting it all out there.

[@JaySwanson]

I'm glad I have the chance to share it - and honestly the act of sharing has itself provided a lot of opportunity to grow

[@amyspeers8012]

When I moved to France, I was able to let go relationships that I really needed to. I was doing all the work and I wasn’t getting anything back. I have made some lovely friends here which I feel is super important. What I do miss are the people that have known me for 20+ years.

[@rc9272]

Friendships as a single person in a big city are essential and can be fun. As someone who is partnered, I find that they're still fun but I'm less inclined to make new friends with people who may be transitory. Similar values and interests, and mutual respect go a long way. 4:14 Cooper chillin like a villain 😁

[@JaySwanson]

Friendship and our needs for it evolves a lot over time. Glad to know you're in a good place!

[@jackie8357]

Making adult friends 😱 lol, from making plans to seeing how many times you should keep making them is tough. Such a hard balance - can't imagine doing it with a language barrier!

[@kueller917]

Leaving was kind of a motivation to move here. Every time I go back home to visit family there's fewer friends there. I could see that coming and didn't want to put off a goal just to be the last one out. My interests also tend to lean into areas where English speaking immigrants are less likely to show up so I had come to terms with the fact my ability to make friends is going to be limited until I reach a good level of language proficiency. The fact it's a very approachable problem soothes the loneliness that sometimes comes in, and I'm introverted enough having some weekends on my own isn't the end of the world. But it is frustrating because I remember when I'm in an English or Spanish speaking country that I'm not bad at conversation if I have the words.

[@viniguez487]

Been watching your daily videos this year. Every video I watch you get bolder and bolder with you camera placements and shots. How do you get over the awkwardness of filming in public like that?

[@JaySwanson]

Practice 😆

[@susanobrien9917]

I am 58 years old and d have had one friend since I was five!!!!!🥰🥰🥰🥰

[@gdontrimble]

Been 2 Paris 4 times 😊. Your videos bring me back. 🎉

[@JaySwanson]

Thank you!

[@iniabellepaz445]

Hi Jay, great advice.

[@JaySwanson]

Hey, thanks!

[@rob7819]

Really enjoyed this vid Jay.

[@JaySwanson]

Thank you 😊

[@charlesblack1086]

True advice! It's also easier if you're in school or have a common place where you meet often. Great vlog!

[@JaySwanson]

So true!

[@EvaUnit_01]

Really enjoying these short vlogs❤

[@JaySwanson]

Glad you like them!

[@KibbitUpIt]

Great advice!

[@JaySwanson]

Glad it was helpful!

[@CarlMillar]

Throughly enjoyed this video Jay. Keep them coming.

[@JaySwanson]

Thanks, will do!

[@jovanjevtic1620]

0:32 okay, how did you get that camera back

[@scottfbradley]

ONI Cafe…LOVE that place.

[@JaySwanson]

It's a great corner of the world

[@mariopensotti1015]

''.. Cuentas claras, amistades largas.. ''

[@PokhrajRoy.]

It’s better to be a friend to yourself first than to conquer the world, as it were.

[@terribow]

Alison! My favourite wine woman in Paris. ❤ Cavewoman wines. Friends enrich every aspect of life.

[@JaySwanson]

She's the best!

[@PokhrajRoy.]

0:57 I can be nuanced when required but I use the term ‘friend’ loosely to simplify things in daily conversation.

[@nicktankard1244]

Making friends as an adult is very hard. I moved countries twice in my 30s. And now I don’t have any friends in this new country. It’s been 2 years. I’m in a very outdoorsy city but I have health and mobility issues so can’t participate in those activities. It’s tough. Used to make friends in bars and at work when I was younger. But now I don’t drink and the work is complete remote.

[@JaySwanson]

It definitely seems to be more of a trend now that working remotely is so common. Maybe a meet up? They can feel forced but also can be really great. I find the dog park also helps to meet people, but if you don't have a dog that's unhelpful.

[@nicktankard1244]

@@JaySwanson yeah no dog unfortunately. Probably should look for some meetups but not sure which ones :)

[@JaniceInFrance]

Do you do all the filming for yourself?

[@JaySwanson]

Yep! 🧙‍♂️

[@michaelbrennan5433]

Internet and social media made us lazy in communicating. Least a phone call was an effort. Our lives, certainly in America with work really shortens the day and makes you tired.

[@aeolia80]

This is one reason why I'm really hesitant to make friends with other English speakers here in this country, most of them are expats, where you're pretty sure they are gonna leave sooner rather than later. When I was living in Korea I got it why it was so so hard for Koreans to become friends with foreigners, it was expected they were gonna leave, so they rarely ever got that close to any foreigners they knew. I'm now an actual immigrant, and while I really miss being around certain people where I can forget to regulate my level of speech because their level of English is high enough where they can handle it. (and that's the other part why I have a hard time with my actual French friends, only a couple of them regulate their French around me, wanna know how annoying it is that I'm the one that has to regulate my level of English but they do not regulate their level of French, lol, and they wonder why my eyes go glazed over when they all start talking at once, lol, sorry, just a bit of a rant)

[@JaySwanson]

I totally get that! Especially in the first few years of living abroad, many people come and go. I've found that the longer we stay, the more likely we are to meet and befriend the ones that also intend to stick around. They're out there!

[@tracyjohnson5486]

Jay, what was the name of the David Cutter song you have in this video? Glad to see the daily vlogs again.

[@amourflower9893]

I was told that if you have one friend that you were the lucky one. Today I believe having a friend is about numbers. However, its true that meeting folks has to do with us in society and how we see ourselves. There is a trusted in believing that technology would help with having more friends, that was a fallacy. So moving forward having one friend makes you lucky, and when they leave they will be missed but technology can keep you in touch. Merci

[@JaySwanson]

At least keeping in touch is easier 🥂

[@amourflower9893]

@@JaySwanson 😸

[@kenziekayfashion]

I mean Jay … you could come NYC

[@ericispublius]

I've become good at making Friends, surrounding myself with those that have similar interests, but I've never been a good Friend. Things get overwhelming and I disappear for a while. I've thought about this as I look at moving to Paris. What will community look like, especially when my French is... not good 😅 I've been more worried about my partner making Friends; she has an amazing community here in Knoxville and to lost that is always tough. Yet, these things come and they go 😩

[@JaySwanson]

You'll definitely be able to find friends even with limited French in Paris, the expat community is huge and many French locals speak English as well!

[@carolbrenner3121]

❤❤❤

[@JaySwanson]

🥂🥂

[@Cal-c-u-later]

My main takeaway from this is that a true friend will let me steal their fries 😅 but seriously, this is a good reminder that friendships take work but the reward is massive.

[@JaySwanson]

Makes me appreciate copious fry portions all the more 😆

[@PokhrajRoy.]

4:51 Oh, so I shouldn’t have cried and had a soliloquy about feeling sad when someone cancelled on me? (Feigns shock)

[@PokhrajRoy.]

2:58 Majorly disagree: I’ve made friends by sitting on my couch. Although of course you need a phone with internet access on it 😂

[@SylviaDiazMahfud]

Oops was she saying how not to make friends ?

[@PokhrajRoy.]

0:29 I mean, it’s basically alienation in the modern world we live in. Also, being a tight knit atomised community doesn’t work out for everyone.

[@tbarcode]

Yeah what the hell Sarah?? 😂

[@PokhrajRoy.]

3:29 The spread here is GENEROUS and distracting.

[@ac8907]

If you works in a society, you will have friends…..

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Confused about relationships? Sociology of Family, Relationships and Kinship can help you.

[@susanobrien9917]

Jay PLEASE do not overdo it make sure you are taking rests!!! Although I love all the posts I don't want you to burn out🙏

[@PokhrajRoy.]

8:02 We’re your Parasocial Friends.

[@ATLIEN333]

France people sounds like an Aquarius..😅

[@toddboothbee1361]

Why New York? I hope it's for something good, because that wouldn't be New York, from what I hear.

[@JaySwanson]

New York's a great city!