When Love Becomes Obsession: Understanding Limerence

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Set your life free from Childhood PTSD! Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 And if you'd like to join our Members' Book Club (where we read books about CPTSD together) become a Member here: bit.ly/CCF-Membership

[@megnelli]

LIMERENCE: When there is nothing left, retreat into your own imagination to survive. It's like the body fueling itself with its own fat once you run out of outside nourishment.

[@Iquey]

That is exactly what it feels like

[@Michele-rn5bf]

Omg. Yes!

[@ladybaabaa3294]

OMG. THIS. Wow.

[@tigress725]

Say it ain’t so ………. your comment is exceptional Megan ……Thank you so very much. ❤️‍🩹

[@themysticmuse1111]

Ouch. 💥

[@Mary-oy7oe]

"Everything bad I've ever done, everything dysfunctional I ever did, I did because I needed love, and I was lonely," was such a powerful statement. Resonated with me so much. Thank you.

[@alluringbliss4165]

I've chased men and am ashamed but I was very desperate. Feeling rejected and unwanted gave me very low self worth.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes, very powerful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@heidizysk2321]

Boy, this resonates HARD. ❤💔

[@Broaster07]

The same. Looking for love and punishing myself and others because real love didn't meet up to my fantasy love object.

[@fernyfern5300]

@@alluringbliss4165 It's a universal experience sadly. I think it's difficult not to have regret and beat ourselves up for all of the reasons anyone could think of but at least self-awareness now conquers and allows for self-repair and self-love beyond brownies. ;) Better late than never. Be good to yourself over there. I'm trying to take care of myself and the way I would have my grandmother when she was very ill who I miss dearly.

[@malwinabambi5932]

THIS PART HIT ME HARD .. - You are protecting yourself and find it safer to be in a fantasy of future love vs the difficulty of actual relationship/ love.

[@cassidy_p01]

sheesh, i felt that! 😢

[@erin3292]

Me too

[@BLAZE45]

Ahhhh fuck!!!!

[@createlovetravel]

Fuck! That’s so me it hurts!! 😢

[@jameswayton2340]

Yea damn when i heard that i was like: well shit... another thing i learned i'm doing. Not sure if i'm in limerence, nothing like the lady in this video at least. But i recognize how i have been avoiding someone that i might like more then just friends for a whole year now. Talking and talking in chat and sometimes calling. And also fantasizing of it becoming more then friends. Looking for hints.... uhghg... stupid

[@askrhonnie6356]

Limerance causes you to constantly ask if that person likes you. You want to be accepted and seen so badly. But in healthy dating, you need to ask if YOU even like THEM, And not just the idea of them).

[@sarauser3788]

Needed this

[@kjbkjhkjhjk7775]

if you feel happy, safe, and free with them

[@gingerbee98]

Thank you 🙏

[@CriticalNoodleMind]

Oh my god. So true. I need approval and reassurance that he loves me.😢

[@clairewillow6475]

The worst is when the person keeps giving you just enough hope to keep obsessing. Feels so good when you finally move on

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Expose_bankers_and_auctioneers]

it's really cruel of them. I was used a lot by older men who KNEW I was damaged from childhood and they took advantage

[@Areutherehello]

My two ex narcs were older men, and yes, they somehow picked up cues from me that I was starving for love and they took advantage of that. I suffer from limerence and worse still, I 'm a magnet for toxic men. My limerence was the spark, but when these guys bought me gifts, and acted as if they were attracted to me for two years, that fanned the flames. Then they discarded me.

[@clairewillow6475]

@@Areutherehello sometimes I fantasize about killing the one who messed me up when I was only 16 and he was 26. But then reality hits, why would I risk going to jail for life when I have my husband and son who love me. That would just be giving the narc what he wants even beyond the grave

[@Molly-t3c]

@@clairewillow6475 This hits home. I also felt a lot of anger towards an older man (a friend of my parents) who befriended me, love-bombed me and then abused me when I was in my teens...I never spoke out about what he did, as I didn't want to hurt his family, so his life continued as normal, whereas mine started to spiral further and I felt bitter about that, as I got older. But, when I heard he'd passed away a few years ago (cancer), my anger towards him turned in to a strange sense of pity. He was a married guy with two kids, a circle of friends and a farm his parents had passed down to him. He seemed to have so much good and potential in his life, but it was like he was such a wretched and troubled soul - he just couldn't appreciate any of it. Seeking revenge and ending up in jail/prison, away from the people who love you definitely wouldn't be worth it for someone who is maybe like my abuser - already dead anyway, on the inside. Wishing you well and hoping that being with people you love and who love you will help you to heal 😊

[@oliviatavistock1485]

I ended up marrying the first man who was a bit kind to me. He turned out to be emotionally unavailable, uninterested in me and allowed his parents to send me hatemail. We are still married, but it's a shell of a marriage. I wish I had had good quality therapy before getting married. A loveless marriage is a slow death.

[@dll7658]

😢

[@jaxxmariecambridge5212]

I COMPLETELY relate to this!!! I'm in the exact same situation. My husband and I have been married for 31 years now and just finally starting to have a healthy relationship only because I had finally filed for divorce and was leaving. My inlaws have been so abusive to me our entire marriage and he has stood by and watched. If I had it to do all over again, I would have RAN in the other direction and never looked back. It's been hell.

[@randomfluffypup9608]

​@@jaxxmariecambridge5212 hope both of y'all are doing better

[@ChatMort69420]

Limerence has essentially defined my life. I think it’s also a form of escapism for me.

[@divinetiming4092]

Yes let’s talk about the escapism it gives people who came from neglectful foundations. Creating an imaginary reality where you have the support you need. Def sums up my childhood.

[@abbyz13]

@@divinetiming4092 I did this all the time. Especially bc my parents favorite punishment was having me sit in one place and be quite, my mind is a fantasy land 24/7

[@Britt3334]

I’m the same way and sometimes feel resentment towards that person as if it’s their fault

[@lockandloadlikehell]

Mmm Mammy made Limerance and onions every Friday night

[@lockandloadlikehell]

Mmm Mammy made Limerance and onions every Friday night

[@homestylegravy]

"Set yourself free from any hope in this relationship, so you can have hope in real relationships" 👌

[@epicfactsbooks]

excellent insight and quote

[@emilysmith2965]

There was one thing I took issue with on this… not all of us can automatically tune out “possibility of romance” based on gender. I’d regardless of gender, you’re IN GROUP THERAPY. It’s a terrible idea for most anyone’s health to get involved with anyone from group therapy. Although in my experience it’s quite rare that you’d want to? It’s not exactly an environment that promotes attraction. So yeah… if you’re bi, pan, gender-conforming, etc… still definitely go in with this idea of “cool, we’re not doing romance here.”

[@_einodmilvado]

Amen

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

How about set yourself free... Love yourself. To hell with being in a relationship.

[@homestylegravy]

@@PerrySkyePhoenix loving yourself is the ideal regardless of whether or not you're in a relationship. You're right. This relationship isn't about another person.

[@DenkyManner]

It's astonishing to me how the letter writer was simultaneously trapped in her delusion and consciously aware of it. She named what was wrong with her and provided evidence and yet was still convinced a relationship with a total stranger was possible. We are a strange lot, humans.

[@stevo999]

Thats how it is tho. Thats why therapists also reccomend journaling your thoughts, when you see what ur thinking down on a piece of paper and read it out loud it can be like a big realization

[@carriecastanos]

We certainly are😅

[@lvn2410]

Doublethink

[@sam-k3191]

I would like to point out the following: 1- People who have narcissist parents are mostly attracted to narcissists, so please do not follow your gut feelings, 2- Give any love relationship a time for at least 6 months before you engage deeper, because the world is full of toxic people who really can cheat anybody and they are perfect actors/ actresses. 3- A good man who is really worthy would treat you like you are the future mother of his children, or the future wife, he will respect you and make value to you, he would naturally act this way if he really loves you. 4- Please be aware of quick relationships, pushy men, ghosting, and other narcissistic signs. 5- Too good to be true is a big red flag. The above applies to both men and women. So, just do not rush things, and do not be so quick to trust anybody. Trust is a very valuable thing. It can cost you a lot, alot more than you think.

[@thetrueblossom]

This so freaking helpful thank you

[@elainedement9130]

Why couldn’t I have seen this before I entered #2 abusive relationship 😢

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

Sage advice, my friend!

[@shlominaamat4787]

In what you wrote, there are several elements that may indicate anxious attachment style: Caution in relationships: Being cautious and taking time to get to know someone before getting deeply involved may be a sign of anxiety around forming intimate relationships. Worry about being deceived: Being wary of people who may be trying to deceive or manipulate you may also be a sign of anxious attachment, as it indicates a fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. Difficulty trusting: The emphasis on the importance of trust and the potential cost of losing it may also suggest difficulty with trust, which can be a common feature of anxious attachment style. Overall, while it is difficult to draw definitive conclusions based on a short message, the elements you wrote could indicate a tendency toward anxious attachment style. It's important to note, however, that attachment style is complex and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including early childhood experiences and current life circumstances. Working with a therapist or counselor can be helpful in identifying and addressing attachment-related concerns.

[@snoozyq9576]

Wish I knew this all those other times things went so quickly. Trying to take it slow this time after just having a first date with someone new.

[@myrawest]

Wow. I just discovered the word Limerence. Mind blown. This is the defining thing in my life. My life revolves around romantic obsession and fantasy

[@pamlincoln9079]

Omg me too

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mysticallifewithalexandra]

Shallon Lester talks about something similar, she calls it hurtlockers. 😘

[@bunny-vo3qs]

Same, mind blowing

[@YasminMahnaz]

@@mysticallifewithalexandra she didn't come up with it.... it was a movie

[@shreyabose8742]

I have been in the grip of romantic obsession for as long as I can remember....until now. I'm 30, and I have been working on my inner self since 23. My romantic life has largely been marked by limerence. I would become obsessed with people even before I got to know them. And, for the longest time, I had no control. Long story short, at 30, I've finally released some of the trauma, the love-deprivation and emotional reactivity. Now that I am not as wounded, my romantic obsession is literally GONE. I am no longer waiting for a romantic attachment to come and "fix" that "hurt". I am honestly just chilling. This feeling of completeness and okayness feels better than any relationship ever did. I feel enough. Hold on. Keep doing the work. You'll find this good feeling, and then you'll wonder why you ever thought you weren't enough.

[@12angel02]

Proud of you stranger ❤️ this was very inspiring to read

[@12angel02]

What did you do in particular to heal? I’ve heard about self love, affirmations, etc but it’s always been difficult for me.

[@thebarefootwitch5564]

I’m 33 and desperate to heal myself from this.

[@irinaivanovic9792]

But what was the actual “WORK” you did? And don’t say it was positive affirmations please. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@harounben342]

I'm so interested in learning from your experience

[@rozannmartin7235]

Limerance is an emotional addiction in my opinion.

[@Thedirtylittletruth]

I agree!!

[@LauraVolpintesta]

Surely, but I think the point of the video is to identify it and why we do it amd where it can come from, what it looks like

[@uncle978]

Most teens go thru it as a phase but some carry it into their adult years, losing years to their obsessions 🥲

[@rnbsteenstar]

It can be. It also can be integral to the beginning of relationships, the get to know you and establish things, part.

[@sar.c5835]

A personal milestone in my healing: choosing to watch Anna’s videos on limerence instead of a “what are his true hidden feelings for you” pick-a-card tarot video. edit: omg it means so much to me to see so many others relating & is so encouraging to keep it up, shifting my focus on a positive relationship with self versus obsessively looking for updates as a self-soothing mechanism for when the savior I have always needed is going to come for me - by that logic, however, keeping me from healing in order to need rescuing & keep that hope from a wounded place (& the wound itself) alive. Thank you to Anna & all of you

[@marleyofficialmedia]

🌞

[@skileen4010]

personally some days I still pick the tarot tho, but every win towards realistic healing is one to be celebrated 🤍

[@wendyhutchinson457]

Same here. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

[@tuesmonsoliel8241]

I go back and forth between the two. Lmaooo love being delusional 😵‍💫

[@paulaschneider2759]

that is hugely amazing!! For real...Do you have any idea how many people never get to let go of approaching the esoteric from this position of fear.

[@floozy4039]

Thank you. I definitely need to apply this to myself. Ladies, being delulu is not the solulu.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Ha!!!

[@WilliamsPinch]

😂😂😂

[@Timmsy]

Lol clever 😊

[@octaviod9379]

👏 👏 👏 👏

[@Yukai-ep2dv]

Straight to the point, no sugar-coating, yet a lot of empathy, the best.

[@ashleyhobson1414]

right?

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

She sure is. She, Dr. Tracey Marks and Dr. Daniel Fox are so great.

[@nicholelesassier1799]

Well said!

[@carolmoger9869]

Most of my friendships and relationships have been a fantasy. I was serious!y neglected and abused as a child. I didn't know what love looked like. I didn't know what a real friendship looked like. This is the first time I have heard about limerance. Thank you for explaining this!

[@danaturner3180]

Same here

[@sparkstudies1675]

Wish you two well on your journeys :)

[@craigs1437]

Sorry to hear about your childhood trauma experiences. My father was never around when I needed him and our mother can't even take care of herself let alone children.

[@Expose_bankers_and_auctioneers]

@@craigs1437 so sorry x

[@glennmathiesen4626]

Me too.persevere in your personal growth !

[@SaraMCap111]

I get stuck in patterns of limerence. It’s all consuming. It’s so so so awful. I lose touch with myself and I feel guilt about the thoughts about this other person, thinking they would maybe treat me the way i want and reach me emotionally. Thank you for making this. Having a name more it will help me remember this is a trauma response from my childhood. I became obsessed with the idea of romantic partners very early in childhood and I often found peace escaping into daydreams about being so connected with another person-like it was us against the world. Now in my early thirties, I have never found that level of connection and I think it’s because…not that it doesn’t exist, but I don’t even have that connection with myself. Long road ahead to heal this :/

[@easiersaidwithmeg]

Hugs

[@ambrosia2297]

Having the name for it does make a difference. I have always said”ever since I knew a man and a woman could love each other, I knew I’d find my person” I romanticize every situation instantly and when I find relationship I’m always unsatisfied because of the expectations and daydreams. I just thought I was a hopeless romantic, I was really just making myself emotionally unavailable. 😳 (protection)

[@nycrae]

Good luck girl. The media doesn't help as a girl - all the roms. They have their place but... Also so destructive

[@elizabetholson-9919]

Me too i daydreamed of a partner since i was like 5 literally that they would come and take me away. Good to be aware

[@MostBased_]

im in the same boat when it comes to repeating patterns of having very limerant delusions thinking crazily about someone nearly a year and a half later its just bizarre and farfetched i want it to end

[@NettieKay]

My issue was a man could show me even a little attention and love (even if it wasn’t real love) and we became intimate I would fall hard and fast. It opened me up to narcissistic toxic men, aka f-boys. It was a hard lesson to learn and even to this day I have a tendency to fall prey to narcissistic friendships because they’re good at love bombing and when you’re in a sort of drought and they give you a sip of water, it feels so good. I’m love and attention starved and because of my upbringing have never felt good enough. It’s very hard.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

It IS very hard, the 'Dating & Relationships' course is really eye opening and a huge help courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@2degucitas]

Too bad there isn't a place we can go to get healthy, non romantic attention to fill the human interaction void. Like a no-romo Tindr like place where only conversations and support exist. What a dumb fantasy that is, we all know people would just ruin it.

[@26likes]

feel alike

[@user-or1ye3iz6d]

Ugghhh, I TOTALLY get it! This videos comment section is half brutally painful and half healing to know what is wrong with me and that there are so many people who are just like me. 😔

[@user-or1ye3iz6d]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I wish I could afford that bc I need it desperately. Unfortunately, the pandemic has hurt me so badly financially bc it destroyed by business. I feel like my entire life is a black hole right now.

[@albarossel4826]

When you find yourself thinking about them and the obsession is too consuming, I invite you to feel the pain (boredom, lonelyness, rejection, shame) you are trying to scape by been hight on them

[@Meg.1122]

Any advice/tip to cope with those negative emotions? Thanks

[@gailgarza8033]

What does "hight" mean?

[@Daydreamerr13]

@@gailgarza8033I think they meant high

[@SuperChambala]

​@@Meg.1122feel Thema, feel uncomfortable and after it will begin to vanish

[@Sonic_sorceress]

Oh yeah

[@emilysmith2965]

I remember being a child and ACTIVELY doing this. Inventing someone else, a recurring character of daydreams who would care about me. I knew better than to tell anyone about it, but also had trouble understanding why it would be an unusual behavior. I used to connect it with just being imaginative generally. Surely every truly creative person does this, I thought. Even as an adult who’s learned what limerence is, I struggle to mitigate its effects on my daily life and wellbeing. Why make a friend if I can MAKE a friend? Why step outside my comfort zone when I can sit somewhere and read about a different world entirely? Why deal with any of it? But of course it’s necessary not to be separated from the basics of living. Now that I’ve survived my parents, now that I’m actually allowed to have these simple mundane things… I have to try and be around others. I have to try being “out there” as my authentic self and see who shows up. It’s very hard to be willing to fight for that sometimes. I still love fantasy and sci-fi as genres that bring people together, that help them see something different and something magical in their own reality. But now that I understand why it’s been too easy to get lost in those places, it’s not quite as awful to get back out again.

[@128treehugger]

I think this is also maladaptive daydreaming. I too have dealt with that and limerence since childhood

[@ishanibagal8353]

Happened to me to, but school has helped me to heal alot

[@francesmartel7948]

I used to do it when I was young as well.

[@Lyndanet]

This type of thinking could easily be turned into some wonderful art and creative actions. But an obsession seems very different… and it seems that establishing a consistent schedule for yourself helps a lot with allowing something to become an obsession.

[@LoveLeigh313]

That sounds a lot like me 😅

[@lucidneptune]

"Attachment hunger". Wow.. That's the word!

[@Powerfullmoon]

The hungry ghost 🙌🏾

[@jmkcr]

Yes! Talk about a concept hitting close to home! Boom! 😳

[@daveimus7274]

Having C-PTSD, I experienced limerences until my mid-fifties, when I was in therapy. Now I believe limerences are the continuation of an unsatisfied biological drive we all have as infants and toddlers to attach to a primary caregiver. Would love to hear the thoughts of others on this. BTW, when I learned to empathize with myself, my limerences quietly ended.

[@shweefranglais7900]

I pretty much agree with this Dave.

[@MelissaMisinco]

If you’re living in a state of survival. Ruminating on unrequited love & past memories could be a coping mechanism to escape or self soothe. Why we do it is probably what you’ve said.

[@mzm2644]

I love the part : BTW when I learned to empathize with myself, my limerences quietly ended. Thank you that's a great tool I'll now take on board. Appreciate that 🙌🙌

[@goldenmist9]

Wow can you please elaborate on "empathising with myself" thing? I don't understand it.

[@evadebruijn]

@@goldenmist9 Booktip Kristin Neff Self compassion 🤗✌

[@sorayaalves]

The universe brought me to this video. The message I'm hearing is: you are not unlovable, you are not unwanted, you need to heal to recognize love. The relationships I've accepted in my life weren't love, if you don't heal, you wont recognize true love. ❤ Thank you 🙏🏽

[@bluebassboy22]

I have been literally praying to understand why I do this.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad this message resonated! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@wendybatista5615]

Me too , I've been praying that God shine his light, on this awful rollercoaster feeling I e been having over a man, and God has shown up once again for me

[@donpeace894]

Sucks don't it

[@1bkres]

🙏

[@ashleyhobson1414]

Same!

[@dontbelieveeverythingyouhe5599]

Stunned. Finally - a word to put to my delusions.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are not alone! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dontbelieveeverythingyouhe5599]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy - thank you 💗

[@bettywormsley6319]

3 marriages gone wrong IM single in love with unavailable sweet man 12 yrs later still alone

[@jolijess08]

Absolutely 💯

[@dontbelieveeverythingyouhe5599]

@@bettywormsley6319 - I'm sorry. I wasted 12 years on someone to. Who in the end blocked me when they knew I caught on to their narcissist bs.

[@THEFORT89.]

There a difference from being alone and lonely but the worst is being with someone that makes you feel alone

[@daniellehalo6923]

🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@angelagoodwin5758]

I've been living in a state of limerence all my life. Never had a real relationship with anyone. I would always fantasize about men I was attracted to, mostly celebrities that I would never get the chance to meet. I didn't know what I was experiencing had a name. Thank you for educating us and helping us to heal.

[@moustik31]

I'm the same. Trauma prevented me to form real relationships but in my mind, I lived through 1,001 of them. I'm glad, I finally understand what has been happening to me.

[@jowyschwarz313]

Im sorry..you must be lonely

[@jowyschwarz313]

@@moustik31 yep..trauma make a disconnection..from ourselve and others

[@lotustreejournal2198]

Yes same here, lonely af,just wanna feel loved, i daydream all the time

[@lf9341]

@@moustik31 I haven't had any trauma that I can recall so I am not sure why my entire life I had limerence.

[@Brandy_j5]

OH MY GOD. I never realized that other people struggle with the same thing. Thank you for validating my experience and giving sound advice.

[@emiliarain7269]

i absolutely love this video. This is the first time i have heard of limerance and it is just pure heartbreak. I feel like you brought a part of my life into focus but you delivered it with empathy and kindness. Thank you for doing what you do and sharing a part of yourself with us.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing- welcome to CCF! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ziziscorsese9475]

I think that is exactly the feeling I had.m

[@allanc_me763]

Same. Heard this from Patrick Teahan's video 😢😢😢

[@shirleystiles5838]

Exactly me!

[@Purpleiciousbabe]

Limerence…. Definitely happened to me when I was younger…

[@JazzyJ96771]

My problem is becoming obsessed with anyone who shows me physical affection or makes me feel seen and heard, even if someone does what I consider to be flirting, I seem to cling to them, it’s only in the last year that I’ve learned to stop doing this, I’m 25 at the time of writing this comment

[@cupcake5854]

Proud of you, I'm 21 and I definitely need to learn this

[@ssooyoung1031]

how did you stop, currently experiencing the same thing…

[@joannafernandes2350]

Take a moment and tune in with yourself when such feelings arise. If it feels compulsive to dive into your clingy, limerence feelings just remind yourself am I doing this from a place of seeking an internal need/void through external validation

[@aimforlifenow]

I'm 25 too and currently experiencing this as well. Crazy to think that maladaptive daydreaming could ruin so many things for me. Jesus.

[@tigress725]

Limerence afflicts creative people disproportionately. I was a little comforted that it is not considered a psychopathology. It is “ attention and amplification” of the love object. Dorothy Tennov stated in her book “ Love and Limerence” that (not surprisingly ….. in this community) it is an unhealthy attachment style. Speaking for myself, I am love starved and am grateful to have insight into this phenomenon which has been a recurrent theme throughout my life. 🌎

[@samaraisnt]

I agree I think it is because we are absolute obsessives. I say this time and again: To be a great artist, you need to be obsessed with something. We also have to live with emotionally OPEN hearts...spells disaster. No wonder so many of us have to "shut off" everything during our blue periods. That's our bodies saying: Don't let anyone in, don't let any hurt in...the artist's defense against limerance or false love.

[@MrLuigiFercotti]

Probably true. Though everyone suffers from neglect, a lot of men (and some women) just shut it all down and get hard.

[@patriciadavis3549]

@@samaraisnt Wow!! This is Soooo true for me! Now, I know I am not the only one who feels this way. thank God!🙏✨

[@София-д3р7д]

@@MrLuigiFercotti I had a great childhood, but I still had to struggle with it. It's really common. I used to attract over confindent, bad boy types too often (and it's not very clear at first, bcz everyone act all nice at 1st). The nice guys I wanted did not usually approach me. Once I stopped obsessing over guys sweeping me off my feet, my life has been drama free. And I found my bf after remaining single for quite a while. I think it's okay to shut it all down to feel okay just by ourselves. It teaches us to be in control.

[@MrLuigiFercotti]

@@София-д3р7д I thought I had a pretty good childhood. When I got older, I realized there was a lot missing, and then started listening a bit more closely. My eyes were opened.

[@apieceoflife2732]

Now I understand why I never manifested any of crush or never was lucky enough to get loved back by the guys I loved.It's because It was never love,it was my coping mechanism.

[@MeMe-fy3pp]

The moment you hear yourself say someone is a "crush"-- move ON immediately, because they WILL crush you!

[@MrLuigiFercotti]

Not getting what you needed leaves to always feeling something is missing. Even when in a "good" relationship, there is a sense that there should be something "more."

[@Thestarrwashington]

So true. It applies to friendships too. I want it to end.

[@wesley6442]

it's like your brain is miswired and gets some weird kick out of being mistreated like it derives pleasure from the pain. and that one shred of affection/attention seems to give you a high like none other. It is called "intermittent reinforcement" and it's very powerful, it's also called "breadcrumbs" arm yourselves with this knowledge and protect yourselves and take care of your wellbeing: emotionally and psychologically. Knowledge truly is power

[@ceeeceee8753]

How do we get what we need then?

[@sweazytoogood]

@@ceeeceee8753 you learn to give it to yourself first.

[@joshridinger3407]

​@Ceee Ceee you don't. you learn to live without it.

[@lowings848]

"Everything dysfunctional I ever did was because I needed love, I was lonely." Relate so to this statement Anna. That's just it, all of us just want to be loved and love someone. ❤

[@epicfactsbooks]

I will remember this quote, I think it's true.

[@donaquixote]

As someone who is recovering through an unhealthy childhood, oftentimes I found myself in limerence AND being attracted to the aspect of NOT getting attention. Being ignored or rejected was familiar and left the door open to chasing the love, as in childhood. In fact I felt uncomfortable when someone gave me healthy attention. It took a long time and awareness not to chase down love or imagine it.

[@Makgeulli]

Fxck … why u calling me out like that. I was so obsessed with guys who pushed me aside and liked to play hot and cold . 🥺

[@ksfishchannel]

This video is what I call gentle tough love. She says the truth whether it's going to hurt your feelings or not, but she says it in a kind and gentle way. Sometimes we need to hear the unpleasant truth in order to move on.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Well said :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@gostrum1]

Yes, it’s cringey 😬 and confronting to realise there’s no actual relationship.. that you’re only fantasising about someone. 🤕 ouch!

[@sethtenrec]

“If I let him go” tragic

[@ChineseKiwi]

Yes, ‘constructive caring’ I call it. That is what good friends and those with high empathy skills do. You tell them the truth, but it’s in the right wording and vocal tone based on the situation and person.

[@ShawanMason]

Ma'am, you are opening eyes and saving lives. I literally feel like I just had a therapy session after watching this. Thank you for doing this work and making it available.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you so much for coming! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@miguellle]

My biggest THANK YOU, Fairy. You are saving lives❤️

[@IdkKorea]

Same

[@lkaur6970]

Oh my god. Met a man in 2010 for coffe, lost ten years, lost youth, took me a lot to heal. Lots and lots of healing. Now I ak 44, single, never married, never dated. Anxiety and depression. Keep doing your work ❤️

[@lachatnoir1127]

Same year. Just 4 yrs younger than you. I'm so bitter about it. I dont even recognize myself anymore

[@steflondon88]

I pray you find love and heal. But mostly that you heal.

[@apekshatiwari9290]

Guys, I hope you both find love.

[@mntccd]

I’m so sorry.

[@VanessaSimon26]

I am so sorry 😞 21 years with my husband and it has been a sexless marriage- Intimacy anorexia. He is now in recovery yes it’s a real thing. Look up Dr. Doug Weiss. Anyhow I got involved with a guy in June, total limerence. Total fantasy. I ended it. But listening to this video and reading all these stories I have always been into fantasy. It’s hard because then I chose someone who neglected me. Intimacy anorexia is one of the hardest things on the planet. That and Porn addiction. It’s crazy. Depression has been a part of my life on and off.

[@jajdude]

We never put flaws in our fantasies.

[@martianmoongdds]

💣

[@mariemiles7287]

Yes! Maladaptive daydreaming can take over x

[@radiantsvn]

Maladaptive daydreaming AND limerence...wanna kill myself

[@creallyreal]

"Maladaptive daydreaming" Thank you for that phrase. That, and reading--a lot!!--is exactly how I've survived the majority of My life 😢. Retraining myself to DO, and not simply THINK OF DOING, is so, so difficult; difficult, but worthwhile. Real life is often painful and scary, though 😑.

[@Sesso20]

Man, this felt way too real.. I never ever heard this being adressed so vividly. That feeling of not quite feeling real, like not really having a composite identity of yourself, because no one looked at you when you were young. You were just surviving and existing, and then you grow up and everyone has all these values, opinions, identities and you just feel lost. Like something inside if so out of sync, but you cannot pinpoint from where it comes from. Its the one thing that I never really can explain to people, when they ask. But it definitely is one of the most obstacle ones and hardest to target. To own whatever identity you have or develop an actual self-consistent personality, not just random motion and a bloat of feelings attached to it.

[@srfirehorseart]

When we're young, our identities are based around the people we think can support and protect us. Even as adults, if we've been trained to be people pleasers in order to get attention, then it can be hard to work out our real needs and get them met. Learning about boundaries, consent and red flags (abuse) is a big help IMO, to become a more grounded and mature adult. Then we learn what's important for our self care instead of being at the mercy of the fantasy that someone else will magically fix our lives and supply all the love we crave.

[@redwoods7370]

Happened to me. It was like a brain fever. He was not available. Getting off Facebook and going no contact helped me get over him more quickly. I wouldn’t wish a romantic obsession on anyone. Time and inner work will set you free.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Well said :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@graciegracie]

I did the same. It helped me a lot.

[@SparklesNJazz]

“sometimes the news you fear is the happy news!” YES here’s some encouragement for the forever-limerent folk: the past year and a half i spent obsessing over a friend, purposefully as escapism, as i was aware of my tendency and fully knew what i was doing and that it wasn’t real. then suddenly this summer he started showing actual signs of being interested, so i told him. that was HUGE because normally i’d sit on the information because i feared rejection and it was happier to live in my head. but i told him and he said he just wanted to be friends. i was sad for a couple days and i cried about it, but then i started to feel so free and so excited about life in a way i never had with past limerence experiences. and then i decided to go on a blind date my friend set me up on, and he really likes me, and it’s going well… and it’s SCARY cuz it’s HEALTHY, which us such a new weird feeling, but it’s good. moral of the story is, awareness is power. there’s nothing wrong with you for falling into limerence. you want the love and comfort you were in some way lacking as a kid. but you’re HERE watching this video, and you’re noticing your patterns, and now, not trying to be cheesy but, the hard truth will quite literally set you free. and there is hope!!! there is always hope!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing your hope and support! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@phenitagomes1292]

A nice read. Thank you for this. It sucks bc it does seem like the hard truth is the only way out.

[@leahflower9924]

i'm not afraid of the realness of someone liking me i'm afraid of them showing interest or affection and then taking it away

[@solala1312]

@@leahflower9924 so true! genuine affection and comforting physical touch are addictive. the yearning for more, once you felt it, is unbearable.

[@ashleyhobson1414]

Thanks for sharing your story! This touched and encouraged me ❤

[@Matrona.Goddess]

I suffer from limerance but my parents were there for me. I was rejected at school, all my life. I never had a real friend, i was never accepted .. but at home, always was perfect with my parent and my brothers . I just hated school and didn't talk about it to my parents. I felt so bad in my own body when I was at school, and i always waited the time to go home ! We never talk about problems who started at school ... School can really mess up child ..

[@soph5669]

I understand this so much . ❤thank you for sharing. I’m happy you had loving parents at least 🙏🏼 hope you’re life is better !

[@flourishfae]

I relate very much!

[@fairy.yi_xing]

yeah, I was massively ignored in school, I also have a lot of female wound because my bullies were women and they'd crush me to pieces, I went through all that for 5 years and I isolated myself for 4 years after that, I dated a guy right after I got out of higschool and we broke up after 2 months (he was also narcissistic and manipulative) I obsessed over him for 2 years also k3lld myself, it was like crazy i don't even know, so yeah trauma can really mess you up in ways you can't even explain to anyone, im better now, or so I think I'm pretty optimistic about life, but in general I stay away from guys because I know my tendency, I've been thinking of getting therapy from this year because I don't want to suffer like this anymore, I hope you're well too and yes your not alone !♡

[@ghostguch1007]

My story is very similar to yours. I was bullied and had no friends. When the bullying was at its absolute worst, so was my limerence. Looking back I feel bad for the object of my affections back then. Like you my home life was not so bad. Still to this day though I do struggle with choosing partners who can be somewhat distant, but atleast I’ve actually had some form of romantic relationship with most of them

[@veronicagl]

I relate😢😢I was insulted at school to such an extent that I wanted to take my own life, and still we don't talk much about the problems that come from school.

[@Goethe2andFro]

“...if you weren’t real to your parents” - omg, yes!! I know what you mean by this. I’ve never heard it put that way, but that’s exactly what it was like. “You weren’t real”; therefore, you’re vulnerable to other “relationships that aren’t real”. What an aha moment!! This is so true and so deep, thank you! Another gem -- "It’s not possible for you to have healthy mature love for someone you don’t know." This whole limerance thing has brought to light stuff I used to go through ALL THE TIME. I stopped b/c it finally naturally came to an end -- I was sick of the disappointment; plus I'd corrected some unhelpful thinking with cbt therapy; and just life-- going through some really hard emotional stuff, understanding/healing, and coming out of a really dark place. I emerged much more clear-headed and deeply grateful.

[@lenag3329]

“...if you weren’t real to your parents” touched my bones

[@YasminMahnaz]

I don't. Get it??? If you weren't real? So they loved you but not enough? Or they favored another child over you? Or you were their kid but they didn't pay enough attention to you?? What did it mean

[@Goethe2andFro]

@@YasminMahnaz hmm, the best way i can describe it was like treating me as if i were a toy, an object, that you can just put away when you're done with it. A toy doesn't have needs, wants, thoughts, feelings, etc since it's not an actual being; interacting with it is optional. "they didn't pay enough attention to you"? kind of, but deeper than that. They didn't bother to respond to me when I cried, and wouldn't help me with basic things, even when I asked. So I basically felt wrong for doing/saying/wanting/needing anything as they'd clearly get annoyed or angry if they responded...or I'd get dead silence as if I didn't say anything...as if I were invisible...as if I weren't real. I'm not saying I didn't get fed or anything, but more so, I was just on standby until and unless they wanted to be bothered with me above basic food, water, clothing, shelter needs...most ppl, especially kids, need more than that. They need nurturing, play, routine, discipline, and genuine care/concern/interest in them. They need someone to take the time to explain/teach things to them, rather than be expected to just know.

[@lenag3329]

@@Goethe2andFro @Fabulous i'd add that they were not actually seeing u for what u really are, and weren't interested in real u in general. ur task was to behave the way they say and not bother. also, they could project smth bad on u, and treat you as if that was true about u

[@lorimiller4301]

My Dad hated me for being real. He wanted an object that he could do with as he wanted. He still hates me to this day and he's about to be 92. It's almost funny because I was the exact opposite of what he wanted and I just wouldn't give in.

[@TheJovianPrince]

The thing I mostly admire about you is the way you compose yourself when providing encouraging feedback. You aren’t judgemental, you don’t question someone’s principles, you just dive right into the heart of the issue and cut straight to the point. Thank you for doing what you do, your kindness and professionalism has reached more people than you realize. ❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you so much.. You are kind.

[@phenitagomes1292]

I agree. 🙏🏽

[@rosemarrypolack5708]

I love how she is compassionate to all. She puts it out there for us and it makes perfect sense. I am looking forward to more limirance letters for her to go through and make sense out of what the person is trying to convey. It helps me as well.

[@ST-rj8iu]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Totally agree! I wish you were my therapist!

[@DarkSolidity]

Neglect is a vicious circle, you have the very human need of companionship, intimacy and love but because you’re damaged from neglect, that deficiency in your heart makes you emotionally codependent which ultimately perpetuates and exacerbates the existing damage, worsening the hurt and pain.

[@princessrad111]

My most recent heartbreak made me realize I had this pattern of limerance since 7th grade. I idealized a few people and idolized them to the point of stalking/worship. I don't know why it gives me so much joy 😅 I didn't even want to date them, I just like fangirling over them

[@bellaapple2166]

Sorry this made me 😂 maybe because I did this crap as well. I would have a crush and be relentless putting them on a pedestal. I would listen to music and daydream. 🤦‍♀️

[@jennytaylor3324]

@@bellaapple2166 I actually think that's a human thing, not a limerence thing, if it's any consolation!? Do we EVER really miss out that bit of a new crush, regardless of age or where it leads?

[@Makgeulli]

@@bellaapple2166this is me 😭😭

[@sayatighosh7328]

Exactly same condition

[@michaelhamilton1523]

My entire adult life. I finally stopped dating and even allowing myself to acknowledge attraction to others. It's less painful and destructive to live in a kind of sexual and emotional anorexia.

[@tschu3523]

I feel this, lol. Just remember, too much anorexia leads to death. Best of luck and may you, and all of us here, find our healing.

[@ellep.6204]

I understand the urge but that seems like a bit of an overcorrection

[@babysab8013]

What I do : everytime I feel myself slipping into daydreaming about something with a person , listen to romatic music and so on, I take it as a bad sign. A real relationship is in reality and has no need for dreams and love exacerbation

[@Blessed1283]

Me, too.

[@juliam1099]

I understand. I'm 57 and my last boyfriend (or even date) was when I was 44. I actually have had not so great experiences with two men in that time - one only by phone and one with a neighbor that came onto me but wasn't truly interested. I just don't know that romantic love is that important, even though I used to want it so much. It hurts too much to keep getting emotionally invested for nothing. Why is risking your heart actually any healthier than choosing to shut down in that area? A person can only take so much disappointment in some areas without being crushed by it. People with long healthy relationships don't seem to understand this and it feels like there is always pressure to keep risking your heart.

[@Ritualfinancial101]

“You wanted love, that’s all it is” so true 💔

[@jeanieshank1433]

I think it’s an addiction to escaping and to fantasy. I struggle with disassociation. It is very similar without complete detaching from reality.

[@tyd8077]

Yes, I relate to this a lot. I'm realizing my limerent thoughts are really just a way to escape into another reality.

[@kelb6073]

Yes. I relate.

[@kellymcphaul2793]

This is a very interesting comment for me.

[@76Pou]

One of the greatest things that ever happened to me was to find out what limerance and love addiction are! Oh my goodness! Knowledge is power. As painful as it was, to realize it's all fantasies; the faulty reasoning behind, I began to feel better and free so quickly it was astonishing! Please do give yourself the gift. You will not regret it! 💕 Stop chasing men. Let the right one come to you! With your new knowledge you will be able to choose better ❤️ Meanwhile, enjoy your time with you. I ended up making my dream of a pet sanctuary come true. There are so many gifts that come when you focus on you 💕

[@Thedirtylittletruth]

Thats so awesome!!

[@veenela296]

I love this comment! Well done

[@veenela296]

@@gabriekirkley awww please find your true self in your heart. Ask God to really help you to discover your being underneath all the desperation ..you deserve so much better you are more than you know.

[@miguelchippsinteligente6072]

Jesus christ referenced living waters 💎👨‍✈️👩‍✈️Tesla referenced human energy 🌬👻holy scriptures speak of holy spirit science described water memory 🌊🎭💎psalms16:24kj psalms 33:6 proverbs27:19 Corinthians 2,3:6 existence psychologically spiritually importance is of Jesus christ 💎🗽🤍god bless creation 👨‍✈️💖👻💎👩‍✈️💖👻💎ya were right definition described standards quality minds a queen and king deserve 🛶🌬🎭💎🌪🎭🌪

[@miguelchippsinteligente6072]

Save ur self because of priority not people

[@HelloBombshell21]

Decentralizing men from my life changed this for me. What makes ME happy? Abandonment wounds are deep but my limerence I had was with someone I dated seriously, long term.

[@steve4524]

I spent 47 years absolutely in fear of being alone/single. That got me into some really bad relationships. The fear stopped while in them but was getting involved with some really toxic people. The last person was a psychopath who did unbelievable damage to me. That was 3 years ago and have been single since. It took me on a healing journey. This cptsd is complicated to heal from, but I am now at a place where I know longer fear being alone. I actually am feeling content and omg most the time happy with it. Good luck to you all who are starting the journey, it gets better I promise ❤️

[@SuB-gy4rb]

Took me 60 years, so sad we lost those years but hopefully more younger people are waking up to this bs I hope you’re doing better, finally got myself some therapy and cats ~ life is much better 💕🙏🏼

[@jcgiff]

Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this was possible.

[@steve4524]

Su b I’m so glad for you. It’s never to late, I hope you can live a peaceful and calm life now ❤️

[@SuB-gy4rb]

Actually my life is so incredibly good now I can hardly believe it ~ finally found gratitude in a peaceful centered life ~ My life 💕

[@rowstone3019]

I'm happy for you and everyone who is finally being treated. For years, I had no idea what was going on. Treatment released me from the flight or fight mode. I started getting sick. I am now healing and have found happiness.

[@brentduanefoster]

I randomly came across this video today. This is totally what I needed. My heart broke listening to this woman’s story. So many of us, including myself, were dealt a raw deal with our parents, and have dealt with these ridiculous episodes with people who could not care less about us, because, it’s what’s familiar.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad Anna's video spoke to you. Sending you support! Thank you for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

Exactly! I'm going through this right now, resenting someone I don't know well in my life and developing a friendship with because they're just living their life normally and getting on with it and I'm agonizing and pining over them.

[@theliterarytarot]

Yup

[@itsmxria]

once I told this guy straight up that he was like a drug to me, and now I see that I was giving him the power to use that against me because I loved him more in an obsessive way and even tho we dated in the past, he was no longer interested in me, but he kept coming back to boost his ego at my cost. That was a good reflection, thank you!

[@thehauntsofnature]

I’m so glad to know there is a name for this. I’m 30 and have never even had a real relationship, just fantasies about people who had no interest in me.

[@jamesg3808]

Limerence reminds me of the movie “Love, Actually.” The entire movie is about people experiencing limerence, not actual love. Just to throw that out there.

[@kayligo]

A lot of “romantic” movies are actually really dysfunctional lol

[@youtubename7819]

The two film coworkers seem to genuinely form a loving relationship.

[@jennifercooper3812]

Ha ha! I call it "Lust Actually". 😅

[@test1test219]

@@jennifercooper3812 Lust is different than limerence. Limerence translates to intense feelings of romantic love (kiss hug hold hands cuddle) where list is driven by attraction and can be completely devoid of romantic feelings.

[@karli4074]

“except let’s go back to the main fact… he chooses not to have any contact with you and doesn’t know you.” so much of this is so painful to hear but so necessary and i’m so happy i finally watched this from my watch later list lol. thank you so much. never have even heard of the word limerence before

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for being here, we talk about limerence quite a bit! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Tula_Darkwater]

I have a best friend who becomes romantically obessive with men she barely knows or casually dates. She's called me so many times saying she's found the guy she wants marriage with and will find the littlest things in common to determine their potential as a husband. She has a lot of childhood trauma from both parents. As her friend it's hard being supportive when she becomes obsessed and months later gets heartbroken over guys who are not interested.

[@shaunaireland9161]

I always idealize relationships and like the chase and excitement rather than the relarionship itself . I always find myself dissapointed. I go for intense relationships rather than stable because I find those boring . Sometimes I feel I'm better off single.

[@anbillie]

Very likely

[@NotWhoYouThinkThisBe]

I have also found most men to be disappointing, so there has had to be some excitement to make up for their lack of maturity and competence. Unfortunately, what I find exciting is a controlling and dominating (toxic) man. I just can't imagine being happy in a relationship with somebody that I find boring and -- on top of that-- an unequal partner because they've been raised to be an entitled Peter Pan. I need to be single too.

[@Cheddar_Jesus]

21 Limericks of Limerence Limerence is falling in love in an instance But your heart is just being pulled by your inference An innocent crush, But this one as such More obsession with a dash of ambivalence Your wanna be Lover won’t reciprocate It’s a distortion of how you see them relate Somehow your paths have crossed, Now every minute is lost Re-living in mind this new fate Ten years later, at best you’re still mates But not an hour has gone by where you don’t contemplate If you’d said something before? Would I’ve dared to implore? Or you’ve realized that love doesn’t await Either way you yearn about their traits Your heart beyond your own mind creates A fantasy for, Yourself to adore An image of them that you just can’t shake But now a friendship maybe have escaped Or acquaintance either close or faint Has skipped and dashed And left you askin’ Would they still be here had I shown some restraint? But, you showed your cards and pushed them away Now you ache for them more every day Emotions poured out of the gate, Now ya know it’s too late But with awareness say ‘come what may’ What you felt my friend wasn’t love, Or even lust, we’ll maybe sort of You were filling a hole In a place you were swollen But with awareness you can put down the shovel ‘Cause that ache won’t end my friend Until you can comprehend Some early needs weren’t met, Some feelings neglected But the healing is just ‘round the bend It’s not your fault and we’re not here to blame To understand is the name of the game So let’s not point fingers Or resentment just lingers It’s your own heart that we’re here to tame :) And it starts by giving it a name That removes some of the stain Imprinted in your psyche That bloody well likely Comes with its own baggage and shame Just a imagine yourself as your little Play along this is sort of a riddle See that tender child So gentle and mild And a new born heart that’s so brittle Maybe mom had had a long day And neglected to hug you or say, ‘I love you my dear, There’s nothing to fear’ Left you without ever knowing the way… Now that love you didn’t receive In later life now has you deceived That this love in your mind Is really one of a kind With limerence, is how you’d perceive But it hurts! How do I proceed!? Without them my heart openly bleeds But as our heart beats We can learn how to breathe And plant some new inner seeds For some this is scary at first It takes time, doesn’t come in a burst But just by understanding You weren’t being demanding If we’re not given the right love, well it hurts And bruises deep under our shirts Endless anxiety exerted Once you start to examine How this all began n’ You may cry but I tell you it’s worth it You’ll be yourself and learn true connection Instead of pining for other’s affection With limerence removed, Life begins to improve And your worth it may friend, did I mention? Again, not your fault, you didn’t get the attention But if your honest and made self confession Once your heart starts to heal, You’ll feel it for real, Your relationships truly will strengthen Otherwise that ache inside deepens and lengthens Limerence spreads through your mind like infection Learn to train your thoughts Or keep payin the costs The only true way out is abstention If it festers it causes depression Even physically causes you tension So don’t let it age, Let it out if it’s cage You can overcome this rejection So start treating yourself more kindly The road ahead me be somewhat windy But all the turns on your route, Part of the pursuit To stop living in pain somewhat blindly ❤️ 🖋GM #poetry #meditation #mentalhealth #psychology

[@jenmarie2030]

This made me cry. Are you single? I kid 😂

[@VanessaSimon26]

Wow! So accurate.

[@marcolalotawil]

Appreciate it, but is it AI?

[@VanessaSimon26]

Every time I read this it resonates more and more! I must treat myself kindly. God please erase the soul ties with the limerence. Erase the past. Erase this person from my mind.

[@Cheddar_Jesus]

@@marcolalotawil It isn’t, but I too have come across some AI poetry that raises the same question. It’s frightening how good AI at art 😬

[@Freedamering]

There's a lot of bad parenting and narcissism ruining the world and new generation. I love when you mentioned 'real' relationships about being there with you figuring things out and building confidence and love💜 by simply being present🎆 which is so much more important than virtual attention like nice texts.

[@brentduanefoster]

There are parents and there are procreators…

[@michellelong5081]

Not all new! Some of this goes back 50something years 😢

[@nancysayad9960]

Personality disorders ruin relationships ....relationships are not meant for them

[@waggawaggaful]

The fastest way to end a crush you have on a person you don't actually know is to actually get to know them. Trust me, once you actually get to know them, you will quickly realize that they are not nearly as attractive as you had imagined them to be. The idealized version you have of them from a distance is just that - an idealized fantasy of a stranger. That fantasy will come crashing down once you realize that they can never live up to your idealized version of them. But maybe that is the point: by never actually getting to know them, you can continue to cling to your fantasy and enjoy this person in the abstract, instead of actually entering a messy relationship with a flawed person who will ultimately become unattractive to you because you placed them on such a high pedestal.

[@babybrownie13]

This phenomenon is NOT just about romantic relationships. I have had this happen to me with healers/teachers. They are the archetype created in childhood by my pediatrician and first grade teacher. I’m grateful you have addressed this problem.

[@knitsnknacks]

I’m so thankful that I found this video at 19 rather than learning about it years and years later. Thank you so much you are an ANGEL. PLEASE keep this channel going. It’s been something I’ve been struggling with for my ENTIRE life and this helps so much. I used to be so ashamed of it until I found out one of my best friends does this. I’m sending this to them right away!!!! Thank you so much!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@darbin2358]

You're lucky I'm in my 30s and I really just don't see a future for myself and only this year I started thinking of my mental health

[@TopSecretInformations]

@@darbin2358 na, you're lucky. I'm in my 40's and it's too late to have a shot at a real, normal life with someone. But.. I have my dog & I have my books and my plants. If that's as good as it gets, it's not so bad.

[@tinycindy2977]

I am 23 here and let me tell you, you are luckier than me by far! I have been obsessing over my highschool interest of limerance for quite some time and pushed away some real people that were in front of me and actually were my friends. I wish I knew this when I was still 19 so that I wouldn't avoid the guys that showed genuine interest in me.

[@relaxingrain8395]

​@@TopSecretInformations no way you're in your 40s get out there.

[@Fun.in.Bogota]

@@TopSecretInformations The good news is that it is not too late. The bad news is that it is not too late 😂

[@nycrawgirl]

These videos always have such gems in them. “If you aren’t on earth it will be hard to make a living,” hit me between the eyes. It’s so hard for me to stay on the planet.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

:) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@perpetua111vv]

same

[@gem2148]

This is the reason behind my maladaptive daydreaming since childhood!! My daydreaming always revolved around romantically obsessing over crushes whether real or celebrity! Can you make an episode about maladaptive daydreaming too?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Maybe send in a letter? bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Cara@TeamFairy

[@missk6070]

Everyone should have to learn about this in High School. Would have saved me a lot of years of emotional trauma, with myself and others. Wow, thank you explaining this so well. You are amazing!

[@isay207]

Agreee

[@CB-cw9yt]

My husband was the person who finally released me from this pattern. He kind of shell shocked me out of it by being 100% present and there for me from the beginning. He showed me the stark difference between true acts of love and the idea of someone else's love.

[@Michele-rn5bf]

It seems limerence has been the glittering snow globe of my life. There are times I couldn’t have functioned without it. So it’s a coping mechanism when there’s no other way out, but a crutch at times too. Thank you for sharing this. I’m looking forward to your upcoming vids on this too.

[@myrawest]

I relate to this so much. Often, it was the only thing keeping me going

[@selenem3384]

So we fall in love with our own imagination, excellent, no man can beat that 🤣👌👌👌

[@crystalglass33]

"Glittering snow globe of my life" wow 😯 That just wrecked my soul and then put it back together again ❤ Extremely well said and I can tell you I understand exactly where you're coming from. Now I'm in a healthy relationship and my snow globe is no longer glittering or even cold, it's a green field and it doesn't change much, and sometimes it rains, but usually it's just the same field with beautiful stable flowers and it's always about 71°. Sometimes I try and make it snow but I'm working on that.... It's not nearly as exciting but man do I freaking feel loved. ❤

[@Michele-rn5bf]

@@crystalglass33 haha. Glad you like the analogy. 😊 It sounds like your in a really healthy, happy place of lush green meadows. Lovely 💗

[@annabizaro-doo-dah]

Did you go to bed just to fall asleep fantasising about whoever or whatever you have the romantic attachment to?(I say what because I had attachments to cartoon figures or dead composers etc) Sometimes it's what made my life bearable, especially when I was growing up....my mother had left at 7 and my dad was an aggressive alcoholic or was never home.

[@danielleparillo1910]

I have done this way too often and have felt so much shame over it, so thank you for talking about it. I also sometimes hold on to an ex by “ being friends” after a break-up, but still holding on to hope. I’m not sure if that’s the same thing, but it’s just hard to let go of people, or more accurately, the idealization of someone. Thank you again.

[@jamlaw]

Yes! I find "the idea of someone" lingers long after I have had a relationship (of any kind) with them... I have kept going back to the beginning memories when there was potential and hope and excitement (and/or fantasy that was as-yet uncorrupted by real situations) and that has kept me being friends, as well. Hang in there

[@Blessed1283]

The friend thing...i do it, too. Tio numb the pain.

[@raindrops21_9]

I also have trouble letting go of people. I'm not stalkerish or anything but just emotionally I find it hard to stop thinking about them or hoping they'll return. I feel a real sense of failure, and blame myself endlessly if someone wants out. I keep questioning myself: "What did I do wrong?" I go out of my way to make them happy w/o worrying about my own needs, or looking at whether they are making any effort for me 🤦‍♀️

[@Blessed1283]

@@raindrops21_9 i do the same. I lost a parent as a child and i think that void reappears every time someone leaves. Not sure maybe your issue is caused by a past loss as well.

[@raindrops21_9]

@@Blessed1283 oh yes, I think that's 100% the reason!

[@simranbal9464]

People like you who help people heal from childhood trauma and base their life on solely helping other people are real-life super heroes. You're a gift and are very much appreciated.

[@tinyluchino2626]

I'm glad I clicked on this video. I'm 24 years old and for years I've obsessed over fictional characters. I was neglected and emotionally/physically abused as a child by my mom. She also had multiple boyfriends and so I grew up to be afraid of certain men. I was also bullied in school. My only escape was the world of fiction and so I obsessed over fictional worlds and characters. I hated myself for it. I have such a hard time connecting to real people because I'm scared that they're going to get angry with me. Right now, I have an obsession with a character from a movie who is an alcoholic (a movie from my childhood). I didn't know that he was an alcoholic until I watched the film as an adult. My mom is also an alcoholic and for some reason this character trait made me attracted to him more. TLDR sorry

[@tinyluchino2626]

@Tracy Thank you for your reply! Sorry that I didn't respond sooner, I have some anxiety. I'm going to try the journaling idea soon. I bought a box from Michael's and maybe I can put my journal in there. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who is fond of fictional characters/worlds.

[@elizabethtaylor9242]

@@tinyluchino2626 Middle earth for me. Elves, Hobbits dwarves, Gandalf and Aragorn….both the books and the films. Tolkien is a great delight.

[@contentedspirit9022]

You sound like my daughter. She has had so much trauma that she fears everything. She spends most of her time on video games and has certain characters that she states wishing were real. She's hugely into the Yakuza games, Judgment series and Conan the detective. She is obsessed with Japanese culture and has been learned the language a bit at a time. She dreams of living there some day but struggles to connect with real people or go out in the world that terrifies her. We're trying to find a therapist that can help her learn coping skills so she can start moving forward having a productive stable life. It takes much work but we can all get better.

[@tinyluchino2626]

@@elizabethtaylor9242 I would like to read those books!!

[@tinyluchino2626]

@@contentedspirit9022 Your daughter reminds me of myself. I am also a fan of Japanese culture and anime. I'm also studying the Japanese language.I hope she can get help with her traumatic experiences. I hope she keeps learning Japanese as well!

[@williamsaltsman6537]

Yes, everything you've said totally fits. It's been going on since early childhood. One desperate romantic fantasy after another toward males. The cycle goes on. I'm now 66 y/o. Been a loner for 25 years stuck in my fantasies of romantic desperation. Grew up in an abusive foster home. My foster mother torchered me in every way from age six to seventeen. Had one true love in my mid twenties. I pushed him away. I don't trust people very much. Super low self esteem all my life. Yes this happens to some men too.

[@TheFakeyCakeMaker]

5 minutes in and want to cry. This was so me. I'm married now and happy but yes I used to have "sort of" partners. I liked them more than they liked me and the less they liked me the more I liked them, this is exactly the way my parents treated me. Always having to work for their love and acceptance.

[@LLindsey1427]

Hi, I’m glad you’re happy how did you heal this?

[@heidi1958]

To “Elizabeth “ I am proud of you for being courageous enough to ask yourself these questions. It takes GRIT to face the pain of the past. I had limerent feelings for a guy a couple years ago. It absolutely tore me to the bone. It’s so hard to move on in peace, but I believe in you. You can grow and heal. Best wishes.

[@juliehumphreys6888]

I agree Elizabeth you are so courageous to face this issue and share your pain. Limerence is SO painful and embarrassing. It’s hell on earth. I have had 5 or 6 episodes over my lifetime. It was like a drug, an addiction. I’m sure there would be a neurobiological explanation for why this is so. Probably dopamine related. For me it was an escape from pain. It made me feel alive when I was so shut down from trauma. It’s so helpful to know that I am not alone in having had this experience and my heart goes out to everyone who has had this dreadful state of mind overtake them. Thank you Anna for your sensitive and honest exposure of this terrible affliction

[@julieshrout9835]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 that sounds like my story when I flipped the table

[@juliehumphreys6888]

I also want to point out that all of these episodes were completely in my mind. There was no intimacy with any of the targets. Completely insane!

[@TranscendingTrauma]

I think her not interacting with him the one time he reached out is further evidence of limerance/fantasy. It wasn’t because of the excuses she gave, just like all the other excuses/delusion around the connection. I think unconsciously she knew if she interacted with him the fantasy would be destroyed. As you (Anna) have said limerance is common with us struggling with cptsd. We want that fantasy, it’s safe.

[@sunflowers2469]

that’s not necessarily true. Maybe she was not prepared to talk to him. she is probably depressed and has a scattered mind.

[@TheNinnyfee]

Yes, it's safe. And we can see the really good potential in the other person and not get hurt for it.

[@FlamesofRebirth3836]

It could be both. Maybe she really was in a bad state of mind. But also, i realized I’ve been distant with the objects of my limerance in the past. It’s very odd to think that limerance could actually prevent you from getting too close to the object of said limerance, but a lot of my past makes sense when I think of it that way.

[@TranscendingTrauma]

@@FlamesofRebirth3836 It’s very odd to think that we would push away our object of limerance when they are reaching out to us. But I made the statement because I have done it. Of course not realizing at the time. But with introspection and much therapy LOL I can see the patterns.

[@FlamesofRebirth3836]

@@TranscendingTrauma I feel like it’s kind of liberating to figure that out, because even though it’s scary to change it’s a way off the “nobody I like wants me back” ride.

[@centpushups]

It's all about the authentic person. Once the infatuation ends is where love can begin.

[@latoyambetshu740]

I needed to watch this. I've been in deep limerence over a guy I should have gotten over long ago. The beauty about the mind is that thoughts cannot physically be seen, so this has been in secret...and I hide it extremely well. I would really like to get over him. I'm glad that all these things I'm experiencing have a name to it. I'm trying to stop the fantasizing. I think that getting over other guys quickly and being detached from them is my way of protecting myself and making myself feel better about my obsession with this guy. Idk.

[@myvoice31]

A clear fact is a good thing. This resonates with me.

[@26likes]

you are very beautiful. hope we all get over them soon

[@guesswho5790]

I think limerence is an excuse not to find a real relationship. By keeping yourself obsessed over a fantasy you avoid getting hurt by the real thing/being vulnerable.

[@lf9341]

@@guesswho5790 This is SO true. This started for me at age 13 over movie stars etc. Then everyone I would meet that I really liked would be on vacation. Always long distance. I never realized it was the fantasy I wanted not necessarily the guy. When I would meet someone here that liked me I always made excuses or was bored with them. We are addicted to the fantasy.

[@solala1312]

the fantasies of him are the only comforting thoughts I have sometimes.

[@dolores4644]

Thank you so much for this video! I'm 28 an I've had these obsessive fantasies and infatuations with different people since I was 9. It wasn't until I started therapy 2 years ago that I realized how unhealthy it was and that I could actually change that. 6 months ago I started dating a really nice guy, and it was the first time I had a real, reciprocate bond. He decided to end it after 3 months. I was devastated, but I respected his decision. It's been 3 months since then, and I still think about him (though I try not to) and it still makes me sad, but it doesn't hurt as much. The first couple of weeks I felt like I was living in the land of the dead, longing for what was already lost. Now I feel like I'm in a limbo haha. I just hope I'll come back to the land of the living soon.

[@sarahrose1665]

HOLEY MOLEY... This is a GOD THING that I am listening to you today...I'm 75yrs. old... And you have nailed this by HIS GRACE...a Quirk in my mental and emotional make up that has been hidden and grieved me for a lifetime...WELL DONE...(sorry don't know your name my first time on this channel) THIS IS TRULY GOD FURTHERING MY DELIVERANCE... This will get marked on my calendar and I will celebrate this revelation year after year as a Memorial to His Faithfulness... that's JUST HOW BIG A DEAL this is to me ! ! ! Amen and Amen. YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE TO THE Father, His Son Jesus and the Holy Spirit...REJOICE...There is a New Sheriff in your Town...🙋🌹GA USA 👍🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🇺🇸

[@staceylugada163]

I had also been praying that God helps me let go of attatchements and I saw this. He is truley a God that answers prayers! Thank you Jesus💘💘

[@sarahrose1665]

@@staceylugada163 Hey Stacey...if "I AM" is our Father...what does that make you and me. ..Man oh Man... This is the best Era ever to be alive in Christ Jesus..give the Devil 👿 a black eye for me on your way...👍🙋🌹

[@janus4939]

I knew I needed to watch this, but I totally expected to feel ashamed and judged afterwards. Instead, what I got was compassion, understanding, wisdom, and the courage to change. You aren't the Fairy Godmother I wanted, but you are the Crappy Childhood Fairy I needed. Thank you.

[@freyashipley6556]

This is fascinating! I actually *married* a man with whom I believed I had a certain relationship. Eventually, after lots of agony, I realized that that relationship really only existed inside my head. I recently watched the amazing documentary "Falling For a Killer", which is partly about Liz Kloepfer's intense love for her boyfriend Ted Bundy. Some elements of their relationship really reminded me of my own marriage. She talks about experiencing intense love at first sight & about the feeling she had of instantly "fitting" together with him like pieces of a puzzle. She felt like she'd found a soul mate (when in fact she'd found Ted Bundy). Listening to her, I got the sense that she *still* sees him that way--like she still doesn't really understand who he actually was.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Insightful illustration, thanks for sharing -Cara@TeamFairy

[@puffoffluffedair543]

I realize this is how my brain distracts itself especially when in a stressful environment I would endow a person as my walking dopamine dispenser and all of a sudden I’m addicted to this idea of this person. Every target my brain has latched on to has been ppl much older than me, my superiors and generally someone completely unattainable. Im 20 I’ve never gotten into a relationship and the times that came close i sprinted outta there. Even if I like someone the second they start liking me back I lose all my feelings for them.

[@whatever9002]

6 minutes into the video, and I'm already crying. Elizabeth's story is sooo similar to mine. mind-blowing. the reason why she held onto that man, wondering what could've happened between them, thinking that if she let him go, she'd never find anyone like him. everything just resonates. and it hurts.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad this video resonated, even though it hurts. Sending you support! - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@adatbh]

This is the accuracy of my reality

[@calde2388]

"Come back to the world of the living where we can love you"..that one pulled the air out of my hot air balloon.. The disconnection to reality and emotions has been the worst part about using limerance and fantasy driven entertainment as a way to escape.. the emptiness makes you crave more and more of the thing that fills you.. we're all here together..reality sucks and we've had to face alot..and there's more to yet face..but this time, the result will be something REAL and satisfying and nourishing to our souls and hearts,not just our dopamine hooked minds. Love and strength my people💛🙏

[@ann8846]

Thanks...that's beautiful!

[@lvn2410]

I genuinely wondered what’s wrong with me but it gives me so much comfort that I’m not alone in this… 10 years I’m 24 and waiting still. I’d even go to train stations and message him that I’ll wait for him there and he wouldn’t come.

[@TheNinnyfee]

I have a hard time letting go, too. But after having been mostly disappointed by dating/falling in love with guys as a heterosexual woman limerence is a safe-haven where I can love somebody wholeheartedly without being cheated on, abused, gaslighted, or risk STD. I know it's not real and I take it in smaller doses but it's better than nothing. Because there isn't always someone out there, let's face it. And sometimes it IS safer alone re relationships. Even women who had a great childhood with good parents get groomed into abuse, it is a real thing. I get Elisabeth, when you're this close to finding the perceived perfect guy it's hard to let go. And there aren't that many good men available, or they are in hiding. I know so many traumatized people, and they all deserve more love. We should just all give more love to each other. And we all deserve good relationships, even if it's a little chipped.

[@leahflower9924]

@Lauren Duvall i found them in Lancaster county they speak german and they're Amish lol

[@sarahs8371]

This is correct

[@saijanaswamy7210]

@Lindy T i believe it. Part of it is also massive work you have to put into yourself in healing. I don't know which is harder -- weeding out the bs (they all seem to play games regardless of age) or putting in so much into yourself trying to heal and get better. :/

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

@@abella11 I agree with you that there are many good men in the world, but until we address the blinders within that causes us to attract and be drawn to unhealthy or unavailable partners, we would literally walk into the Good Man Store and feel there's no one for us.

[@piricarroll]

This has wrecked my heart before and I've needed to hear this but didn't know what it was or that this intense bunch of emotions was a thing and had a name. I knew it was really bad for me, but had no luck in trying to rid myself of it. Until now. Thank you so so much Anna 💔❤

[@SSBakes]

You took the words out of my mouth. Wishing you well on your healing journey, and everyone else that resonates with your comment and the topic.

[@piricarroll]

@@SSBakes Thank you very much :) Here's to the healing journey. May you slay the day! xo 🤗

[@luci6560]

👏

[@crystallight328]

I’m in a limerance now with someone. I am trying to pull myself out of it. I need this video thank you so much please y’all pray for me.

[@ebonyyyyyyyyyy]

This is so incredibly helpful. I can finally understand why it has been so hard to move on from crushes, and why my love interests never go anywhere. I resonate with so many of the comments. Thank you so much 🙏🏾

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@easiersaidwithmeg]

Hugs sib

[@nitrohanktoursamerica5047]

I was reunited with my limerence obsession in my fifties after a lifetime of failed and toxic relationships which had made it impossible for me to begin any new relationships. It should have gone bad but against all odds we have had a very healthy and loving marriage of 12 years now. It is better than I could have possibly imagined a relationship being. We have a wonderful life and everyday I am grateful for being lucky enough to have this healing from a wonderful woman. I understand how bad obsession can be but for me it saved my life and gifted me with happiness.

[@irlandaise5631]

I am a bit like that woman 39 now and had limerence on different men but then Im in a foreign country. Both men I had limerence , the first one was bad I realise but the second is good I think but taken. Of course I dont know them and then I d have coffees with other men that I dont want. It's not easy to find someone with. the same values. I agree with her video but part of it is BS. It can also be a case that the men you meet are bad. Like you say toxic relation .So I have avoided all of this by staying single. The limerence is because we meet bad men and maybe our limerence is an idea but part of it may be true. At least that I am older now I can see if they are good or not , without knowing them well.

[@cheekyboy-ho9ub]

This has sadly defined my romantic life for decades. It's been a huge waste of my time.

[@pariarjb2329]

Same :)

[@TheresaofTheWorld]

Same

[@sunflowers2469]

it comes from the pain of past disappointment in others. if someone is lovely in our eyes & can do no wrong, our faith in humanity is restored & past disappointments don’t matter. When you stop limerence, you’re removing the rose filter. It feels like a mistake. you get the fear that everything will turn drab & you won’t love anyone again.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lm8366]

Yes when you’re deprived of love you’ll try to get it any way you can which includes but is not limited to romanticizing a narcissistic psycopath because that’s what raised us. We wouldn’t know how to deal with a healthy bond if it drove to us knocked on the door packed our bags and drove us home to our new home. Thanks for the video

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ellehough2746]

This is some of the best advice on KZbin! To realize that I wasn't in love but that I was in full-blown limerence is so incredibly freeing!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wonderful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rturney6376]

I wasn’t Real to my parents. I would love to explore this more with you. 😢❤️

[@SK-no2pp]

You were and are real. Your parents just did not validate you. You didn’t feel heard and seen.

[@kaypowell407]

@@SK-no2pp this is what I just figured out about my life

[@kowens8504]

Years ago I said this to my mother. I also told her she never saw me, never knew me. She replied "I did see you." She had no idea what I was talking about. I guess I could say she saw me as she wanted to, but she never knew what was in my head, nor what was making me suffer or even how she made me suffer. Once she said that when I was 16 she got the shock of her life when she first realised I didn't think like her. I don't think she was ever interested in me as an individual person. Years later the difference between us has become clear and she resents me for it. When I was young, I conformed to her expectations of me to keep her 'happy'. It's impossible to do now and that threatens her. Hard for me too because I can't make her 'happy' so have to put up with the other side of her. Not sure if we'll ever have a truly authentic relationship with her.