When She's Not Interested In Sex (What Catholic Husbands Should Do) | THEOLOGY OF THE BODY

[@pstrzel]

Years of "acknowledging your own brokenness" will lead you into a dark place if it really isn't your fault.

[@ruin.]

That's why it's important to acknowledge the brokenness in others as well and that this world is inherently broken because of this fact. There is no point in figuring out whose fault a resulting mistake is. There is, however, a point in figuring out how to fix that mistake, and sometimes, some things aren't up to us to fix, and so we must always remember God and humble ourselves toward him, for only in him can we find salvation from this broken reality, and peace, wisdom, and comfort in living within it.

[@s.a3099]

Men are not devils for wanting to have sex with their wife. Also, many women would enjoy sex a lot more if they would be willing to communicate their desires and needs in the bedroom, and of course men need to be willing to become skilled lovers. Sex is a wonderful gift from God, and men aren’t evil for wanting it. Always using the excuse “I have a headache” is wrong. We need to be willing to get to the bottom of our issues and stop making excuses.

[@LocalGinger773]

Did you ever think that maybe you want sex to much?

[@LocalGinger773]

Did you ever consider that they just don't want sex?

[@SJohnson529]

@@LocalGinger773then they should not have gotten married. It is part of the deal.

[@charliefrostcharlie]

This video is ridiculous, so if the woman is denying sex that means the man is trying to use her for selfish needs? What is he talking about? The husband and wife exchange a right over each other's body, denying that without a grevious reason such as health issues or if the man is not open to life can be mortally sinful.

[@SJohnson529]

Whole heartedly agree. I am sick of this gynocentric game. Women always being given a pass and excused from responsibility. It’s pathetic. I say this as a man with an incredible marriage and willing and reciprocal wife. I know that many, if not most, men cannot say the same.

[@andonedave]

When one spouse has to be the initiator almost always, thus signaling that his/ her spouse is almost always not interested can be a problem as well. Who wants to have sex with a spouse whom you know is only doing it only out of obligation?

[@LOTRLoamduviel]

Exactly! I speak as the higher-drive spouse. This is not a negligible issue.

[@frankhdz]

Yep, same here. On the rare occasion we do have sex it is cold and her attitude is "hurry up". There is never any affection, if I try to show affection it is rejected outright.

[@Laura-ef3mm]

​@@frankhdz show her your affection in other oportunities as well. I'm not an expert and I'm not married yet, but as a women I think it can be that she rejects the affection when you have sex because she doesn't fell the same care in other circunstances, aka she feels used, conciuous or not. I recommend to you to read "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate", it's a lovely book that I think everyone should read! PS: sorry if my English is off.

[@BensWorkshop]

@@frankhdz Do you show affection outside of the bedroom?

[@frankhdz]

@@BensWorkshop Simple answer yes. Well I used to. I got tired of trying to be affectionate. I'm done. Only so much love you can give without getting any love back.

[@CalmWarriorCoaching]

I think there's a real problem in saying that it's wrong for a Catholic man to want sex for his own sexual pleasure. Sex is clearly a pleasure thing. Shaming good men who are working hard to be chaste in their marriage, is just wrong, and i think does more damage that can tempt a man to use pornography or even an affair. I also think it's a wrong assumption to think that a Catholic man only wants sex for his pleasure. More shaming. I question if this gentleman has been in the circumstance he is talking about here. And experienced how painful it can be to go without sex in marriage for a very long time. I would much rather hear from a man who has a very high sex drive, but has figured out how to be chaste in his sexless marriage

[@Amie0046]

Married 18yrs (together for 26). Sex should not be primarily for the outcome but connecting with your partner on a whole other level. I must be the only one but I've never wanted to say no. But also he's never made feel forced to do anything

[@sarahbillard86]

Awh that’s so sweet. I hope I can be like you!

[@carolinpurayidom4570]

Probably because of that he makes you feel love and cherished for.

[@thecatholiccorner]

I'm not married, but I love watching these videos! ❤ I feel it prepares one and gives a person insight on how marriage should work when coming to their sexual/spiritual relationship.

[@jrrgotmemes8835]

Love this. I'm not married yet, but I believe these videos are very helpful in examining my own broken nature and how I relate with my future wife. Having seen my parents struggle with their marriage and eventual divorce, I have a skewed model of marriage to replicate... This is helping me to construct a more healthy view of marriage.

[@thecatholiccorner]

Amen to that ❤

[@pappasc79]

As a man, if i get married and my wife wants to go shopping, am i allowed to "have a headache" and take away her credit card or does the depriving of marriage benefits only apply to us big, bad men?

[@SarahKate365]

It's best to keep separate finances for most things.

[@Jerome616]

I get turned on pretty much every day. My wife and I are intimate maybe 3 times a year. I hate the freaking mountain of resistance to daily temptation I have to carry on my own. I don’t know why God has given me this kind of marriage or this kind of mind but I pray he can balance it out a bit someday.

[@josephbrandenburg4373]

I think this video is meant for people who experience occasional coldness.. it's something else if she's keeping you deprived so long. That clearly isn't OK: "Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Cor 7:5 (NIV)

[@frankhdz]

You are not alone in this. I am in the same situation. I am loyal to her, provide for the family, constantly tell her that I love her and listen to her problems, I show her non sexual signs of affection and love. She in turn returns nothing. I am tired of this. I am getting to the point were I am beginning to dislike her presence around me, when she does talk to me it is to complain. She never shows any and I mean any affection to me. When I invite her to pray the rosary as a family it usually causes a fight. I can count on my fingers the times she has shown any affection to me in our 32 years of marriage. All I can do is pray to withstand temptations. I am at my witts end on what to do with this woman, we have children and if it were not for them I would not be her. I would have left this "marriage" long ago. Lately I find myself regretting ever having met her and lament the day I asked her to marry me. I guess this is my cross and look forward to the day I die to be free from this.

[@russellscianimanico6549]

​@@frankhdz Cool story fellow brother 🤙

[@samantaray]

​@@frankhdz I am sorry my brother for your sadness in matrimony. My marriage failed even though I was supplicant and present to my husband.

[@Rolandazz]

@@frankhdz you should pray for your wife that God would soften her heart and that you have wisdom in this matter. Prayer really works never give up praying to God. God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. He is the restorer of things.

[@regondi]

Just what men needed…another video telling us it’s OUR FAULT!

[@joecardone4887]

I don’t know. I think as a man the hardest thing about being rejected for sex isn’t about not getting to orgasm just because you’re horny. I think the hardest thing is actually that when you want to have sex noticeably more often than your wife you feel that you must not be doing a good job at loving her and making it enjoyable for her. The big thing though is that I think men generally express love physically more than woman.

[@rakastellar8955]

As a woman, trust me we don't care if it's "good", we just want to be loved and that already feels good. This is a prime example why pornography is harmful, it sets false expectations to both sexes and making it about performance rather than love.

[@joecardone4887]

@@rakastellar8955 hmmm interesting you’re right though if it’s just about trying to make things pleasurable it is a big problem. I was addicted to pornography for awhile and I’m sure I’m still healing from it. I pray that my wife and I have holy sex the way God intended it to be but that’s something I just need to get better at. Pray for me.

[@leons9088]

Within marriage is trying to make sex pleasurable as long as your are not denying the possibility of procreation a sin?

[@leons9088]

@@rakastellar8955 so soothing to read..I always thought women have high expectations from men in the sexual act

[@joecardone4887]

@@leons9088 I’m definitely no expert but from what I’ve learned yes procreation is the goal and the focus but along with sex comes pleasure. So you can have sex and try to make it pleasurable as long as the focus and goal of having sex is love and to make a baby. Have you read any theology of the body? I think it becomes sinful when you’re having sex for the pleasure more than the love and procreation.

[@jeffreyraia]

With all due respect, your video really only benefits the few Catholic men out there that treat their wives as a piece of meat, but there's a lot of us out here that treat our wives with Love and Respect and have to endure a wife who has moved into the guest bedroom, has denied any form of intimacy for years, turned narcissistic, and become emotionally abusive. I've tried bringing back romance but it's like romancing a dead fish. It has been so long since we had sex, I no longer remember what my wife looks like naked. Pardon my frustration but I've searched websites, and You Tube videos and all I keep getting is a bunch of "Kumbaya" nonsense and a Jimmy Buffet song.

[@aimeerk]

Sorry to hear this. Did she experienced any sort of physical or sexual abuse or trauma as a child or youth that she has repressed and it is manifesting this way? Chris Stefanick and his wife did a video on the struggle they faced in the 10 first of years of their marriage because of past sexual abuse and the process they went through to heal their marriage. Hope this helps.

[@SantosdeMuerte]

Agreed. Many of these Catholic sites refused to acknowledge that some Catholic women get too comfortable in marriage assuming their Catholic husband won’t pick up and leave and he doesn’t believe in divorce and remarriage

[@tedartuso2024]

This video is kinda wrong: "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Cor 7,5. Sure husband should consider his wife beacuse he loves her but in Code of Canon Law there is something called "conjugal debt". Both man and woman can't just deny their spouse for no important reason.

[@hawgly]

Why not just title this video "When She's Not Interested In Sex...It's YOUR Fault!" ??? To immediately go to the premise that when a man wants intimacy with his wife it stems from his own selfish sexual desires is ridiculous and doesn't serve anyone very well. Testosterone insures that there will pretty much always be a disparity between men and women's sexual drive and desires. It's a natural phenomenon that couples will always have to consider. As a young man studying for the priesthood I was never told to counsel women that they must give in to their husband no matter what. Perhaps some priests interject their own ideas into the mix, who knows. But to give credence to the excuse "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache" is to condone a lie where a discussion of the matter is much more in order. It's sounds to me like you're giving support to some women's belief that men only want sex as a selfish means to an orgasm. I can almost hear them thinking "Yep. I KNEW that was the reason." The bell curve for arousal for women is huge while a man's is a drop shot. Men really need to consider that. And they also need to make sure that their lovemaking skills are sufficient to meet their wife's needs. Any man who's not doing those things better get some education on the subject if he wants to maintain a happy sexual relationship with his wife. On the other hand, women need to understand that any sexual rejection of her husband for nearly any reason beyond a legitimate objection such as illness etc, will be hurtful to her husband. Do it enough and you are courting disaster. The Victorian model for marital happiness was sex for procreation and a mistress for anything else. I don't think anyone wants to embrace that again. If couples are having compatibility issues in the bedroom they need to talk it out, work it out, make a plan to fix things. Not the easy fix of finger pointing that you propose. You're just giving women the excuse to avoid confronting the issue directly by blaming the husband. And while you're kicking around song lyrics here's one for you from Merle Haggard: "...A man will do that ALWAYS, when he's treated bad at home." I was married the year you were born, Chris. I've learned a few things along the way. Some of it the hard way. Perhaps you didn't mean to present this as a direct hit on husbands... but it sure comes off that way.

[@GGenerationseed]

Hello Hawgly, thank you for sharing your interperpretation. Theology of the Body put emphasis on free will on each party, husband and wive, to give themself to each other freely, total, loyal, and fruitful. So the point you are making, about husband need to learn more and understand more about his partner's body, is true but it have to be done with self-giving mindset. I do find different interpretation of what you interpret as giving credence to woman or blaming men. As Christopher point out, woman can also manipulate and use men. I interpret that what he's trying to say is, both male and female have the same responsibility to keep their marriage and sexual life "free". I absolutely agree that what husband and wife need to talk and make plan to sort this, but what kind of discussion and plan will emerge if both party doesn't have the humility to examine their own heart honestly? This video is part of a series, so to understand more about Theology of the Body I recommend that you also check the other videos!

[@hawgly]

I know about Theology of the Body and I've watched quite a few of Christopher's videos. What does that have to do with THIS video? You basically just reiterated what I said. What is your point?

[@Lukeds5]

Well said @hawgly! I really hope people read your comment as constructive criticism and not just a rebuttal to attack. Fan of these videos, but largely agree with your sentiment on this one... Although this video is probably meant to be consumed as part of a series, the video should have contained at least a single sentence recommending communicating with one's spouse on the issue (as you mention). Another title could accurately be, "Catholic Husbands, if you want to blame your wife..." The short answer based on the content is, "Take a step back, reflect on your brokenness, pray". Great, that's technically right from a TOB perspective, but is missing the next crucial step forward that keeps this video from sounding too Augustinian (negative).

[@YiriUbic3793]

Men have to propose to be in chastity and enter into prayer and live and ask for a wife who really loves them, many women only marry Christian men no matter the branch of Christianity because usually these are good men and they know that they will be good husbands and good fathers, but those women were never in love with their husbands or were even attracted to them, they only used those men for a porpouse and that is why they do not desire their husbands sexually There are exceptions such as the woman having a medical problem, but most were never attracted to their husbands and They only used the man for their purpose that they had, and now they no longer care to be intimately with them

[@affirmationbyboldaction2210]

Well, you wonder why the problem of marriage are placed at the doorstep of false gospel presenters like this. This is a marriage breaking sermon. But he enjoys doing it because he thinks he knows better than St Paul. They take the argument to one extreme end so that they can conclusively say it is wrong. A marriage man who does not understand the nuances of the subject yet writing books on it. Unbelievable

[@JewelBlueIbanez]

In traditionalist circles in marriage prep, couples are told that in marriage each person contracts bodily rights over their spouse, and thus both partners are required to submit to their spouse’s initiatives upon request and that, generally speaking, men initiate sex more frequently than women, and are told to be respectful of their wives lower sex drive. Sometimes, though, it’s the women who initiate more frequently than the men.

[@apracity7672]

Seems 100% biblical to me (1 corinthians 7:2-5)

[@kathyalex778]

You are always allowed to say no, but recognize that after you have made marriage vows, you have committed to each other sexually for a lifetime as well. No you cannot expect a yes every time, your spouse is not a switch or object that does exactly what you want them to do whenever

[@carolinpurayidom4570]

And that s wrong no one is owed sex not even your spouse the bodily rights thing is about how you have a ity to be loyal and loving to.your spouse.

[@jasonsamuel6601]

​@@carolinpurayidom4570if you disagree with the word of God then you are the devil

[@MrColinwith1L]

You have to parse out these words however. "submit to her husbands sexual needs upon request" does not mean "spread your legs whenever and wherever he demands it." It means your husband has sexual needs, and if he is requesting these culminate in intercourse, it is not unreasonable, but in fact an essential part of the marriage relationship. To put it bluntly, women who have spent their whole lives successfully living a habit of pure chastity tend to have a disconnect from a husband's natural and normal sexual needs, which is aggravated by modern society constantly bombarding sexual imagery designed psychologically for the male mind. It does not mean the man is automatically sinfully filled with lust if he desires sex from his wife, but these needs should be addressed in a healthy way so that they do not end in a sin of unhealthy expression that he may be unable to overcome. They have not taken a vow of perpetual chastity (unless they have), so there is no reasonable ground within a marriage to ignore and attempt to completely suppress the body's sexual urges and channel them into a different pathway -- the only true pathway is within the marriage bond. This not to excuse someone sinning and blame it on his wife, but it is a very real risk today that is only exacerbated by the lack of sexual attention from the person who has pledged themselves fully into the marital union -- the wife needs to recognize she has a duty to help her husband reach heaven and not fall from temptation, as much as he has the same duty to her. Rather, if the honest and faithful and virtuous husband has actually reached a place where he needs to *request* his wife have sex with him, it suggests there is a dysfunction in the normal sexual life and expression of a married couple. The wife cannot simply say, "well, I just do not want to have sex," or withhold sex out of protest (as in the Greek play Lysistrata). No, that is what you signed up for when you married your husband in a total gift of yourself. It doesnt mean he should demand you engage intercourse 6 times a week, but that it is reasonable and proper that you acknowledge that regular intercourse is an essential part of the nuptial union and not something dirty and sinful in itself, and act accordingly from that truth.

[@Jessikacar]

Praying for all of you who commented and viewed. 🙏 God bless you.

[@johnrankin6040]

Its very misguided and unfair to basically assume that the reason a husband gets rejected time and time again by his wife is because he is using her as a sex object. That seems uncomfortably close to what some refer to as "victim blaming/shaming." What if a man you know comes to you with a broken heart because his wife refuses to be sexually intimate with him? Do you think it would be prudent to automatically assume he deserves it and that he uses his wife? It would be better to understand the situation before diagnosing the problem. This video jumps to conclusions and doesnt have a realistic or broad perspective. No, men are not perfect, but niether are women, and there are very many reasons why some women continually refuse to have sex with their husbands, beyond justification. But it seems too taboo for a man to place moral responsibility on women's sexuality these days.

[@sarahgahlon7780]

To be fair to Christopher he did make clear that it works both ways and that women have their own issues as well. Right around minute 3:40 he addresses this very issue.

[@johnrankin6040]

@@sarahgahlon7780 He addresses that scenario as an insignificant sidenote and disclaimer, and ends with the phrase, "some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but i don't, its my own fault." The bias is obvious.

[@sarahgahlon7780]

I get that he ends on that note and you make a valid point based on the content of the video. Having followed Mr. West for many years now it would be my conclusion that in this video he is specifically addressing this one side in more depth and I can understand why it would be seen as shaming men. I believe that he’s trying to get across that many men do treat their wives as objects and the way a woman reacts to this can vary and often it is through avoidance. When a man wants these needs met but is unwilling to meet a woman’s needs (with time or any of the other love languages) it can turn into objectification. Please don’t disregard Mr. West’s points if, in fact, you haven’t experienced this. Many women do feel this way and it’s important that men understand the true meaning of intimacy and grasp TOB fully. I see your point clearly that women may have their own issues (eg wounds) that have nothing to do with the good intentions of a man. In this video it seems that he’s trying to point out to men the need to be attentive to their own intentions and the effects it could have on a woman if they’re not the best intentions and only self serving). 😉

[@ZacharyCath]

Very true. Fr. Chad Ripperger covers this topic very well... kzbin.info/www/bejne/eZbEqYScecmiisk (@ 4:00). - Each party has the obligation to render the marital debt to one another. - A reasonable request is not to be withheld, specifically not due to a temporary state of affairs (ex. anger, sadness / "I'm not feeling it."). - This is because, when you marry, you are giving up your bodily rights (intimacy wise) to your spouse. - Withholding that which is just under the marital contract, tears marriages apart.

[@Lukeds5]

@@sarahgahlon7780 the issue that is being brought up is not that the video’s points are invalid, but more so misplaced. Like telling someone they should have bought fire insurance as you watch their house burn down in front of them. The video is titled/about “what husbands should do if their wife isn’t interested in sex”, and the answer(s) provided to this question lay the fault for a women’s disinterest squarely as a consequence of the husband’s depravity. Do husbands need to reflect on their interest in intimacy? Yes. Do wife’s need to reflect on their disinterest in intimacy? Also yes. But since this video is meant for husbands, one would expect at the very least a casual mention of having a conversation with your wife about the issue. Instead the only answer given makes it seem that the problem would fix itself if the husband fixes his brokenness. The wife is not part of the solution, just a symptom of the husband’s illness. It doesn’t take a PhD to say it’s team effort for the married, not an individual one. This isn’t a criticism of TOB or Mr. West, just this one video.

[@shaycormac5027]

I've watched five or six of Theology of the Body Institute's videos and I keep seeing a pattern of the framing of the question being changed within the video. By the end of the video, we don't quite seem to be talking about what the title said we would. I imagine this is to get clicks. I agree with the deeper point that this channel is trying to promote, their interpretations just always seem to be skewed in a bluepilled fashion. This video doesn't actually answer the question of what catholic husbands should do. Instead, it ends with the conclusion that men must have done something wrong and they need to sit in timeout and atone for it.

[@tripplerizz]

so true!

[@damianwhite504]

True. He speaks very dramatically and then off on another tangent and leaves many questions unanswered

[@Jebou7_]

Read the book. It will spare your time. I read it twice, took me about 3-4 hours each time. Everything covered in the videos is covered in the book. And yes, even the book lacks concrete advices for the every day life. However I think he answered the question. He says you should look into your own desire to see if it's driven by sincere love and the will to give yourself. If not, purify it by prayer. That's where it gets a bit abstract and maybe not helping, because all videos converge to this single advice. Change your paradigm, pray, change the way you're looking at women/your wife, purify your desire, pray... Do not expect much concrete advices from this channel neither the book, apart from prayer tips. However in M.West defense, maybe tips never were his point.

[@timrichardson4018]

Since becoming Catholic last Easter, I've learned so much and realized how much I used my wife in the past. I was mostly blind to how sinful I was being. My goal is to genuinely love her more, to be sensitive to be what she needs .

[@TheologyoftheBodyInstitute]

Thank you for sharing, we're excited for the continuing growth of your marriage!

[@melissavirga7985]

My recommendation is to pray about it. Praying also before and after having sex. As a woman I can tell there's sometimes the unconscious fear to get pregnant for a lack of faith, fear or love and that might be one of the reasons woman don't want to expose themselves since God tells us to do not use any form of contraceptions and be always ready to welcome a new life...makes sense?

[@melissavirga7985]

And btw..the purpose of sex is to procreate not to satisfy your needs. Who talks in this way clearly didn't understand why chastity before marriage. How many people nowadays think every time they are having sex they might have a kid the same nigh? Are you ready spiritually and physically to welcome the new born baby? When you are not, because you are more focused on your ego, the kid is gonna feel it. It's a spiritual trauma and the wound is generated while the kid is in the mother's womb Pray, love and try to be always in a state of grace. My best wishes for you guys

[@chileanyways196]

That’s how I feel

[@Ahomesteadersdream]

@@melissavirga7985 Not sure if you’ve studied all of JP2’s theology of the body or not, but yes, but the purpose of sex is twofold. Christopher West has a great teaching regarding ‘intimacy’ - and describes it as “Into-Me-See”... Sex is designed by its very nature to be unitive in EVERY WAY for the married couple. The union sometimes culminates in procreative life, but the ever deeper bonding of husband and wife is one of the grand purposes of sex. Sex should be saved for marriage for this reason; because it is such a holy act (it is in fact a completion of the sacrament of marriage, marriage has not been truly consummated until this moment) that leads to such deep bonding, it should only be partaken of by married couples in a state of life ready for the responsibility of this sacrament. The purpose of sex is twofold; both pro reactive, and unitive. To discount the pleasure of the act is in fact a denial of the gift of pleasure as given to us by God, and is not to be seen as ‘dirty’ or ‘sinful’ to enjoy in a proper celebration and renewal of the marriage through consummation.

[@nickygentle9246]

If sex is only about making babies why can women orgasm? Why did god enable a female orgasm is he didn't want us to to enjoy aex as well. I'd suggest communicating with your partner about your sexual preferences before praying. And I'm a Christian I believe in prayer

[@morinrealty]

St. Thomas Aquinas disagrees with Christopher.

[@hc192]

yes, he does, and this is a terrible lie and denial of the church's historic abuses of and offenses against the dignity of women, not only in practice but in its doctrine.

[@fswan1944]

Fr Ripperger would disagree actually. Women absolutely are obligated to be intimate with their spouses upon request unless there is grave reason. Now, before I am tossed in a box that says "condones rape," a loving and respectful husband will almost always recognize a tired wife and not make a difficult request of her. Too many women dangle sex in front of their husbands as a means of manipulation and then take it back at the slightest inconvenience. You will never regret having sex with your spouse.

[@marypaulaokpara1552]

This comment is wrong. No spouse must or should have sex when they dont feel like. a loving and respectful husband would understand that shes tired and doesnt want to. There are times in marraige when you are have to abstain. Will he die if he doesnt have sex? and its so disgusting the way this so called obligation is pointed for women. And men arent given that same treatment. it is so stupid. men are called to honour their wives-please note that. sex is not a chore.

[@billygirl3]

@@marypaulaokpara1552 yes men are given the same treatment. If a man is obligated to go to work, to pay for the physical needs of the family, can he just not go because he doesn’t ‘feel like it?’

[@Martin_Roos]

Does the soul deny the intellect because she "does not feel like it?"

[@marypaulaokpara1552]

@@Martin_Roos does a man die because he is denied sex?

[@marypaulaokpara1552]

youve already expose yourself as a supporter of marital rape. Theres no need tp play the 'thats not what i mean ' card. youve exposed yourself.

[@crenshaw2186]

This all being said, refusal to ever consummate the marriage is grounds for annulment.

[@ladamadenadie1658]

I'm so happy I came to the comment section, only to see so many women find this lady is wrong. I get a lot of backlash from my partner, who wants to force me to be intimate. I think it's about time I went solo and keep my peace of mind far away from men like him! Thank you ladies.

[@carolinpurayidom4570]

Divorce or annul if you can I'm pretty sure husband doesn't understand the marital vows of loving each other.

[@michaelnavalta4815]

There is so much more than what a 9 minute video can explore in both ups and downs but thank you for trying

[@ceuser8144]

Thank you. I was a little hesitant about watching it- not knowing what to expect, but this was truly helpful and a healthy way of looking at the problem.

[@roberthsolano9110]

If you deny your husband sex, it's sin. And a good chance it's mortal sin and you will go to hell. Don't use this man's unwillingness to hold his balls as ammo to neglect your duties

[@thecatholiccorner]

@@roberthsolano9110 Dude, you sound so ridiculous it's laughable 🤣

[@roberthsolano9110]

@@thecatholiccorner you would think so

[@melindaanne6036]

@@roberthsolano9110 spoken like an abusive man.

[@hannahs4779]

No need to intellectualise simple topics. It is not selfish for a man to want to make love to his wife. Period. She needs to figure out the reasons why she’s rejecting her husband so often or it will drive the man bonkers.

[@mrsl5514]

Amen! Except in my case, it's my husband rejecting.

[@hkrommer]

What a narrow minded view of all the dynamics that could be going on!!

[@joe4804]

Well, Scripture disagrees. So I’ll go with Scripture and what the saints of taught.

[@hc192]

you're right and wrong. this is what the bible teaches, and that teaching is abhorrent and abusive

[@sofiabravo1994]

I would rather have him use me than resorting to other women online. That cuts deep down. I rather be the source of his pleasure and delight when it comes to sexual desire…

[@TradGuyTravels]

Yes I see where he probably meant to take this video, but there’s nothing wrong with desiring our spouses. I’ve never been married or in this situation luckily, and I hope when I marry my spouse won’t deny me unnecessarily like this. As Catholics we have a duty to our spouse on both sides. Marriage is the exchange of ourselves completely to each other, spiritually and physically. I can tell by the way you think that your husband is very happy

[@jennevamadison3803]

Some men do both no matter how much you let them use you.

[@kathyalex778]

A man who desires pornography will never get enough. You won't fulfill him if he is an addict and it's not your fault. BLAME HIM for being selfish and not going to a therapist!

[@marcley]

Cheers from Brazil. I was in your audience in Divinópolis Minas Gerais two years ago.

[@antonicaann8614]

It's so difficult almost impossible to find a good Catholic Husband/Wife. A lot of Catholics are supporting the secular world and their lifestyle. 🤢. The Catholics in my Church are really secular the faithfuls are very very few and most of them are old

[@marybethmarks3940]

what a beautiful message. thank you

[@TheologyoftheBodyInstitute]

Thank you for watching!

[@CDrSgt]

Isn’t a spouse sinful for not willing to go to a doctor to check if there is brain chemistry imbalance reducing libido? That’s not loving your spouse, is it? Why don’t you address the issue from that perspective also?

[@SantosdeMuerte]

This is a pathetic video. It completely ignores the Church's teaching that NEITHER spouse can without just cause without intimacy from the other for extended periods of time.

[@plogoo1]

More critical analysis slanted toward the “lions-share” (as he says) of blame being on men ( as much as he tries to straddle the issue for both sides ). Of course I don’t agree with the priest that blanket says women should always submit to their husbands sexual needs. But I hear so often from Catholic speakers being critical of men, it gets really exhausting. You rarely hear Catholic speakers focus in on women for their share of problems.

[@stephenpopovichl122]

Amen-thanks for having the courage to say this first-this comment is not about a war between the sexes-it is due because in all due respect to this Doc above- like so many others piling it on to men most of the time.

[@letitbe680]

Since most Catholic speakers are men, it stands to reason that they would focus more on men’s responsibility and areas of improvement. The comments on videos that feature a female speaker and address women’s responsibility in relationship and marriage tend to be heavily female. That suggests that few men are watching these videos compared to women. So, perhaps, it’s not that the subject isn’t addressed fairly but rather, that men don’t tend to show interest in the videos where they are addressed.

[@plogoo1]

@@letitbe680 there’s some truth to that. And yet, his statements still feel skewed. Just my two cents.

[@letitbe680]

@@plogoo1 Perhaps they are. It does say “what Catholic husbands should do” in the title. Perhaps he will talk about what Catholic wives should do in a separate video.

[@plogoo1]

@@letitbe680 I'm not sure that your original comment contradicts my point. If most Catholic commentators are men, then we still have an over emphasis on critiquing men and a under emphasis of critiquing women. In fact, your point validates what I'm saying. We are in an overly imbalanced vacuum slanted towards one side of things. Which reinforces men being the fault in the minds of men and reinforces to women they are likely doing little wrong in the minds of women. This phenomenon is not too different from what we see in secular culture (though it's much worse in secular culture).

[@MewPkmn]

Christopher West, I'd be interested to hear what you have to say on the "marriage debt" and the bodily rights that spouses have over one another. In my Christian Marriage course, I seem to remember many church documents that uphold this idea--that, at the end of the day, spouses cannot refuse one another sex. Obviously, this should be done in a loving and understanding environment (as you point out in the video), and it would be a misuse to force yourself on your spouse if they really don't want sex. Still, the point remains, I don't know if you can just brush aside this teaching of the church. Please, correct me if I'm wrong about the church teaching this.

[@carolinpurayidom4570]

It's a rubbish teaching which has no place in the church especially if you are to immitate Christ and his Church. Sex is not a duty and it's not loving to paint it that way. Paul was just refuting heretics who were saying that spouses couldn't consummate marriage and enjoy the marital gift of sex.

[@ingridappiah1739]

You're correct. The marital debt is still a Church teaching. It is even sinful to dent the act without a good reason. It is very sad that so many Catholics do not know about this, and so many even teach againts it like Christopher West has done in these videos.

[@huan2524]

There is a more obvious reason why wives are not sleeping with their husbands. It is a lack of attraction. The vast majority of divorces stem from this. Hint: look at popular culture.

[@eves9638]

@CJ P. There is so much more to attraction than physical appearance especially for women!

[@eves9638]

Or perhaps because wives feel emotionally disconnected to their husbands. And perhaps when they try to talk about and the way they feel their husband doesn't care about emotional connection, only physical connection. A good marriage needs BOTH!

[@eves9638]

@CJ P. Romance is not the same as emotional connection.

[@eves9638]

@CJ P. What is your original point??

[@cj7girl280]

Why does God make women who crave spiritual and physical intimacy~ single~ but let women who aren't interested in sex get married 😵😵😵😵😵

[@rakastellar8955]

Yes I wonder that too

[@eves9638]

Hormones fluctuate immensely over the course of a womans life from puberty to menopause. Perimenopause can make a normal (female) libido go from normal to zero. I specify female because of the difference in male and female libido in general. I know men who think there is something wrong with there wives because she only wants to have sex once a week instead of three times a week. 🙄 And don't fool yourself. Spiritual and physical intimacy do NOT go hand in hand for a lot of us. Just because you get one doesn't mean you get the other too.

[@oambitiousone7100]

@@eves9638 once a week? I give in every week but never want it. It’s a duty.

[@josephbrandenburg4373]

I don't agree with you on this. Paul expressly commands spouses not to deprive each other in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Even the concession he gives comes with a "maybe" and then it's only for the purpose of devoting oneself to prayer. Making things the man's fault and responsibility is certainly un-called for. We get enough unfair blame and heavy burdens from the world, we don't need Christ giving us a painful yoke, too.

[@Freedomrock1920]

Christ came into the world to restore Creation to the purity of its origins. Beautiful.

[@nicoleyoshihara4011]

I love the topics covered on this channel. Trying to prepare myself for the vocation of marriage ❤

[@valianttruth3745]

Awesome as always! 😍 God bless you, Christopher!

[@AnonYmous-sd4lq]

I used to like Christopher West, but the more I listen to him, the more I realize that he has fallen into the error of modernism. That's not saying much, we all have to some extent. But this man-blaming doesn't help at all. Yes, he agrees that there is responsibility on both sides. His solution is to just generically "take a look in the mirror". But it is sinful for a woman to outright reject without sufficient reason. Marriage is a bodily contract, for the procreation of children via mutual, physical love. When you get married, you give permanent bodily rights to your spouse, and to deny those rights is to deny the marriage. It is NOT always just the man seeking to "satisfy an itch", no matter how much the woman believes it is. The teaching of the Church is that it's OK for one spouse to seek separation, if the other has been unfaithful, EXCEPT in the case that it happened after the unfaithful spouse was refused the marital embrace. Do people know that? Does anyone wonder why that is?

[@kyler9323]

Christopher West gets it wrong here. It does not logically follow that just because a husband wants to have sex and his wife doesn't that his intention magically switches to being hedonistic and dehumanizing towards his wife. That would only happen if he actually wanted to "use" his wife or if he then proceeded to rape her. Obviously no one is defending that! Instead, it is quite possible for a husband to desire marital intimacy with his wife, because he loves her, and for her to see that she has a duty to reciprocate that love -willingly. If she says "no" to a reasonable advance, the husband should respect that, even if she is being unreasonable or sinning. Now, like noted in other comments, if a man sees his wife is really tired or what have you, he shouldn't ask. Also, for many people, not all I grant that, they think: If I'm not 'in the mood' before sex, then I will say 'no' to my spouse. What about allowing yourself to "get in the mood" through foreplay and giving the moment a chance to develop - did you think of that? All this goes equally well for guys. Its a two way street. Love can be sacrificial, often the purest kind is. People can change how they feel if they just try. I realize again, that not for all is this true, if so, perhaps see a therapist to see if there is any help you need - your marriage would be better if you and your spouse were on the same page, sexually. Talk with your spouse, share how you feel and what you think makes sense for sexual expectations. Hear them out, make an agreement that meets in the middle. I get it, sounds weird, but it works. Agree to a certain frequency (e.g. 1 or 2 times per week, same day etc), build a ritual around it (dinner together, bath for her etc.) and leave her alone the rest of the week (unless she comes to you). She will appreciate not being bugged all the time and given her personal space and will work herself up to being "receptive" and in the mood on those planned times. It might be weird the first time or two, but it really works.

[@Naomi-bw5qs]

I have a very high drive and am no longer married. It’s very difficult to be chaste when men that I date rarely are committed to chastity.

[@Nick-rb1dc]

Christopher is acting like a Protestant Pastor here in making up what he wants to be true, and even Simping by making men the problem, and using flowery language. He isn't quoting any documents and he's calling the traditional view error without proof. Thomas Aquinas says in the Summa in a whole chapter that each spouse has duty to grant access, commenting on St Paul, tradition, and natural law.

[@affirmationbyboldaction2210]

These are the people we have to deal with in the Church is it not it? When your clarity of a subject is causing more damage than the problem itself, yet you have no insight to see it, it is more disturbing than anything you can think of. I wonder why people like this don't leave the Catholic Church and form their own protestant Church

[@Nick-rb1dc]

@@affirmationbyboldaction2210 Google the term "marriage debt" and see that it is firmly part of the teaching of church tradition. Terms like those you won't hear often because it's the easiest way to keep people uninformed. It's an unpopular teaching nowadays, which also means it doesn't bring in the donations or sell books.

[@spencerfrankclayton4348]

Protestants making up stuff? That's rich, coming from a Catholic.

[@pilot2502]

He makes things up as he goes. He has never had an original thought in his life. He is best when ignored.

[@Daniel-jr2tc]

I was going to watch this video. But after. Reading the comments. I don't think I will bother.

[@SantosdeMuerte]

Good choice - it was filled with errors

[@pabs5270]

I’ve examined my heart. She is “old” and “not interested” as she says. I’ve prayed and been patient for many years. My wife is a Jezebel.

[@YiriUbic3793]

Men have to propose to be in chastity and enter into prayer and live and ask for a wife who really loves them, many women only marry Christian men no matter the branch of Christianity because usually these are good men and they know that they will be good husbands and good fathers, but those women were never in love with their husbands or were even attracted to them, they only used those men for a porpouse and that is why they do not desire their husbands sexually There are exceptions such as the woman having a medical problem, but most were never attracted to their husbands and They only used the man for their purpose that they had, and now they no longer care to be intimately with them

[@officialkoji]

so i saw ur book “good news about sex and marriage” at goodwill.

[@gemum4219]

One thing, some people just want an orgasm and no sex. As a female, I would LOVE to have an orgasm every day or even two a day. So I don't really agree that women have a low desire for orgasm. But I would say we have a low desire for sexual intercourse since we are not physically wired to have an orgasm with intercourse like males are. But the church says it does not work that way. If I want to have an orgasm I HAVE to have sex with my husband since having an orgasm alone is a grave sin. I hate having sex to the point I am willing never to have another orgasm for the rest of my life if the only way I can do so without sin is with my husband. But I love my husband, this is part of the compromise of marriage, so I obey the rules. One note, I began hating sex after I learned what the church says about it. Because it's become so confusing now, I feel like any thought of sex is a sin. Better to avoid it than make a mistake and sin. Sin means death. I can skip sex if it means I may sin in some manner I don't understand. For one, Paul says if you are going to burn with desire it is better to marry. He makes it sound as if marriage is only to control a 'necessary evil.' That verse does not sound like the "self-giving" the church always talks about in regards to the sexual act. Paul's comment does not speak to giving to another but rather, the male marrying in order to take something to prevent him from "burning with desire" - taking care of himself. Then, the "unitive" word - who are they kidding, both persons are trying to get their rocks off. Yes while together but for selfish reasons. No man would have sex if he could never have an orgasm. That is a fact. If I am wrong, think about it. He is happy all the way before because he anticipates the payoff at the end. Too, there is a verse in the Bible where it advises males [and females?] to abstain from sex for a period of time before they go into the temple. For purification? I don't know. Maybe to keep away from acts that are capable of corrupting [the mind? what?]? If anything it would appear to work better the other way around. Physiologically, if one has orgasm before going to worship, they will be less likely to think about sex and can then focus on worship. But what do I know, right? Only God knows better. So I just follow the rules in order to avoid sin.

[@spencerfrankclayton4348]

Oh, my, don't let the CHURCH scare you away from it!! Having sex with your husband should be enjoyable and something to look forward to at night! I'm sorry THE CHURCH confused you. Just go by God's Word.

[@gemum4219]

@@spencerfrankclayton4348 you wrote "Having sex with your husband should be enjoyable and something to look forward to at night!" Why is sex enjoyable???? I don't get it. Maybe for males, sex is enjoyable, but females don't have the same physical components in the most opportune locations like males do. Is it the caressing, touching or kissing? The touching part is not really sex. Why is that enjoyable? I can go to a masseuse and get my muscles kneaded and THAT feels good. When a male touches a female they are enjoying the feeling of arousal. That is it. That is not love that is only a physical response. You know what I have figured out, that it is the ANTICIPATION of the male's orgasm that makes THEM think everything leading up to sex is so fantastic. Consider this: If there was no orgasm to look forward to, males would never think 'sex' is enjoyable. No male would want to have sex, look forward to it or engage in it at all if he could not have an orgasm. Though I give God a LOT of credit because that desire for an orgasm that drives males to have sex resulted in a lot of people. If that didn't exist it would be like humans not having any appetite and we would all die of starvation. So again, God created one heck of a mechanism to convince males to copulate.

[@ingridappiah1739]

You have a lot of misconceptions about what the church teaches about sex. I would encourage you to watch the marriage series Father Rippeger has made on youtube. In one of them he goes into sexual chastity in marriage which clear up a lot of the confusion. But to be clear, the church actually allows the wife to orgasm before sex via foreplay as long as that is followed by sex. It is only the husband whom cannot orgasm outside of sex, he can only finish PIV.

[@gemum4219]

@@ingridappiah1739 thank you Ingrid for offering information that might help clear this confusion up. I really wish we had more conversations in this regard, that deal with these issues. I have sought out clarification and it's difficult to find answers. God bless you for looking out for me. Pray for me please that I won't lose my salvation and will obey God, serve him, LOVE him, live for him as he wills me to. Thank you again.

[@brandipeterson7144]

In my case, I actually do have migraines that last for days. They leave me shaking and vomiting for hours at a time. I have ended up in the hospital many times for it. I’ve taken medication, which helps the pain, but leaves me very dull and sleepy and makes my head feel like it’s floating. The lord certainly put a thorn in my flesh. But I have felt very bad for not being available to my husband as much as I wished I could.

[@sensusfidelium9510]

according to St. Thomas, the wife for the husband) assumes a moetal sin upon her soul for denying what is righdy owed to her husband (or his wife) by God (unless she has a legitimate reason

[@emily43210]

Where does he say this? I can't find that anywhere.

[@beaver0006]

I have to say that this was the worst video that Chris has published. I haven’t listened to another video in over a month because this video was so bad. Mother Church believes that we should enter into an intimate encounter with the eternal bridegroom at least once a week at Communion. Shouldn’t this be a guide for a healthy temporal marriage too? I’m wondering what would happen to our society if married couples were sexually active at this sustainable pace through their 40’s, 50’s, and beyond. Imagine what would happen to the divorce rate (it would plummet), heart disease (it would plummet), economic might (it would skyrocket), the desire of middle-aged couples to adopt, to volunteer coach, or to otherwise want to be around children (it would skyrocket). This issue is so pernicious, I feel like every bishop should have a sex therapist on his staff in order to help women and men deal with their lack of desire for sex.

[@aidanlisney5546]

In all love and sincerity, this video is lopsided and can be damaging to men who are experiencing marital issues.

[@tamarajohll5735]

Can't handle the idea that men are stupid punks? Okay God Bless I'll stop reading comments. Clearly I am frustrated by life and punks who can't be men.

[@aidanlisney5546]

We all do what we can to avoid being as God intended, don’t we?

[@viyonan4611]

What if is the other way around? 😔🤷‍♀️

[@dedalesigma6755]

The situation seems analogous: Step one) Acknowledging one's own sins. Acknowledge the husband has also his own brokenness and issues with sin to deal with. Step two) Repenting and going to confession if necessary. Step three) Ask God for help and discernment about the situation, the temptation of hurting the husband further instead of helping can be strong. Also ask God what he is going to do about it, since he is the one who will ultimately be doing the heavy-lifting to fix the issue.

[@solstice1681]

@@dedalesigma6755 thank you I'm a woman and I have this problem, I appreciate your advice, I'm still going to request a video for women when her needs are left unmet.

[@hc192]

The Church has not long fought this. Aquinas said a woman had to have sex with her husband even if he had leprosy. The marriage debt has long been used to justify laws permitting marital rape, which was legal in many states until the 1990s. This is wildly dishonest and deeply harmful.

[@samwiseg7380]

Hubby does dishes and gets all the kids to bed then come to bed and start reading his book while giving wife time and space to finish her book/emails/crossword puzzle... that's irresistible. 🤗

[@michaelsaenz380]

@William Sousa (okay?)

[@franknunes3791]

No, because she doesn't finish her book/emails/crossword puzzle, she begins worrying about something else she will not be able to get out of her head. The one way to increase the odds of her relaxing is to shell out some money for a weekend get away - without cell phone service. Rare, expensive, but so far one of the few successful plans. Married 25 plus years.

[@soccerlife5041]

So what about marital debt ? Women can use sex to manipulate men ? Not biblical

[@sensusfidelium9510]

according to St. Thomas, the wife for the husband) assumes a moetal sin upon her soul for denying what is righdy owed to her husband (or his wife) by God (unless she has a legitimate reason

[@SantosdeMuerte]

Preceisely, that is what the marital debt is to both spouses. Christopher West is either ignorant or deliberately ignored the Church's long-held teaching here.

[@SS-wt7kc]

This is a really important message - thanks for being a light in the darkness! Only when spouses focus on making a gift of themselves, can they be truly free to love each other as Christ intends! (That includes the bedroom!)

[@westinbasinger5022]

I agree with the sentiment that men should always be introspective and think about what truly loving their wife means and should really be concerned with how they should comport themselves within every aspect of their marriage. It is true that men should be sensitive to whatever mental or physical state their wife is in. I just think it's dangerous to make the issues of the marriage primarily on the shoulders of the man. Each person owes to the other bodily rights according to centuries of church tradition, let alone natural law. The church has even taught that it can be sinful to reject the just advances of the spouse. Relationships take effort and graces are gained from the marital union, and it makes unions stronger. So I think it's important to get yourself into the mood sometimes. And not just for the sex. Men: get yourself into the mood to care for your wife and your family. Help with baths, make a meal, help with laundry, ask her what you can do to make her day easier. I guess what I'm saying is that each member of a married couple should strive to meet each others various desires for the sake of loving them, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't perhaps expect reciprocity in the various aspects of marriage. When you make those vows you make these promises. Of course prudence should play a part. Each married couple would be different. I could see how a man seeking the conjugal union multiple times in a week can be excessive. But maybe for some couples it isn't. I believe that if each member was trying to maximize their virtue, and if there was a healthy relationship, both in and out of the bedroom, these issues would never come up.

[@RocknRoRose]

now this same question but the role reversed? how is that one answered? I assume your wife might have to answer this one? I mean we women go through our monthly and that can be a huge hormonal change. So those times we feel different and we can get emotional and stressed during our cycle. So there is a lot of frustration I think for women. I think women who are married should be able to have sex with their husband. But I don't know if the husband ever denies the wife... I am sure it happens but what if? :-(

[@huan2524]

according to his logic the wife must have objectified the poor husband then...

[@courtneym2242]

Could one of the reasons a wife doesn't want to have sex be that she doesn't want to get pregnant?

[@DaninaPetroskova]

Or on the other hand, the reason be because she knows that he is going to prevent pregnancy for example with a condom, so what’s the point.

[@eves9638]

@@DaninaPetroskova yep!!

[@milagroscapomasi8525]

It could be, but if shes discerned she shouldne get pregnant right now she should discuss this with him. These decissions sholud be taken together and with much thought and prayer

[@DaninaPetroskova]

@@milagroscapomasi8525 Of course, in an ideal marriage. But marriages are hard and not perfect.

[@Lotsoflittles1230]

Only if the couple has agreed that for grave reasons they must avoid having a child (poverty, serious health concerns, etc.) Wanting to finish graduate school or wanting to “just be a couple” the first year of marriage are not good enough reasons to avoid pregnancy. The use of abstinence to avoid conception within marriage can be a mortal sin if it’s abused. Every month a couple should discern during her fertile period whether or not they are justified in avoiding pregnancy by the Church’s standards. NFP isn’t some Catholic version of birth control and shouldn’t be the default approach to sex.

[@1001011011010]

I hope this comment helps you with the algorithm. This could really help so many!

[@jesustorres8318]

This is terrible advice. From the beginning of the video you’re making the assumption the man has dysfunctional desires. Sex is a gift from God especially so in marriage. Married men are not called to become Celibate in marriage. The two have a responsibility to each other. Yes there can be a time of chastity, but they eventually need to submit to one another in order to resort the union.

[@pilot2502]

Someday this ass might have to stand and explain to God why he demonized the male sex drive that was given to us by Him as a gift. I'll bet his pretend PHD won't be of much help in that conversation

[@netmeg1119]

What if you don't want sex at all? Like, you're just not interested/don't care right from the start?

[@brunocp87]

Find a spouse equally uninterested and be honest about it.

[@amask99]

Maybe you're not called to marriage. It should probably be discerned with a good priest

[@rachelr6420]

I sound like I’m praying A LOT during sex, but promise I’m not.😂 Public Service Announcement 📣 warning ⚠️ Do not have sex if you don’t want to.

[@GodsChildrenOnEarth]

I worked and did the cooking, cleaning house chores, took care of my daughter once I was home, and the ex-husband refused to work. He even refused to work on the yard! I begged him to get a job, but apparently “working wasn’t for him”. I was burned out!!!!! 🔥 And then the ex had the audacity to say I didn’t do enough!!!! I couldn’t even stay standing up, so no way I was up for intercourse. The ex became physically abusive (he was already mentally, psychologically, and verbally). I was scared! I prayed and prayed and prayed that God touch his heart and that he get a job and do his duties as a husband and dad. I was so exhausted and spent!!! I broke and prayed that God take me away from that situation and Bam I left! God facilitated my leaving! I got closer to God and have never looked back. The Devil is so sneaky and will try to convince you to stay with a man who has many demons and in marriage that was never meant to be!

[@awsambdaman]

Is this supposed to be a happy story? You sinned and divorced your husband

[@RedBird-k1v]

What about when husband is the one not interested?

[@ZephaniahL]

G. E. M. Anscombe wrote about this in her philosophical writings.

[@roberthsolano9110]

Good natured guy with good intentions with a charitable interpretation of the theology of the body. But his lack of understanding of what it means to be masculine does a disservice to the men especuslly of this generation and reinforces the problems men and woman have today.

[@valeriocritelli6714]

This is a very interesting and revealing subject, the rejection of a wife of having sex with her husband. A husband has to be in touch with his true motives and desires. This calls for increased integrity and to be totally openness to one's spouse.. I understand that a husband's disordered desires could and does lead to abuse of his own wife in a hedonistic view to sex, when sex becomes more utilitarian for the husband. That's definitely a sin. It should be confessed to a priest. I believe that disordered desires in marriage is more common than we realise due to our fallen sinful nature.

[@sensusfidelium9510]

according to St. Thomas, the wife for the husband) assumes a moetal sin upon her soul for denying what is righdy owed to her husband (or his wife) by God (unless she has a legitimate reason

[@nickygentle9246]

I'm a Christian I'm also a woman. This is disturbing. Sex is something to be shared mutually. If she's nor wanting it it could be a million reasons. Talk to her show her affection, do your share of housework. I don't care what the bible says, woman owe nothing to anyone with their bodies.

[@ihatetherenaissance7682]

A Christian who doesn't care what the Bible says, what a Christian you are.

[@davidandbernadettegockowsk9077]

“I’m a Christian… I don’t care what the Bible says.” 🧐

[@bernardguynunns5658]

I believe your answer is amiss. I'll answer this perhaps a little too simply but here goes. A husband will generally have a stronger libido drive than his wife. He is called to make the sacrifice of not being continually sated. His wife is called to make the sacrifice of giving herself up more freely. God's ideal for us is somewhere in the middle. Sadly there is a prostitute's spirit in many women today where sex must be 'paid' for in some shape or form. And I don't think that a man's sometimes emotionally distant ways with regard to his sexual desires are a reasonable switch to cane him with. That's a significant part of how God made us men.

[@eves9638]

I'm confused by the "prostitutes spirit" reference.

[@bernardguynunns5658]

@@eves9638 sex becomes a paid favour e.g. good behaviour, a task performed around the house, a dress bought...

[@eves9638]

@@bernardguynunns5658 Or what about a man only taking his wife out on a date because hes hoping to get sex.

[@JackEarthman]

I found this to be confusing.

[@vdgvdg61]

The older I get, the more disgusting & abusive marriage seems. No thanks.

[@spencerfrankclayton4348]

I know. Got betrayed/dumped a year ago and now I'm getting more and more turned off to marriage.

[@kimm1975]

When a woman says no to sex any response other than "okay" is rape. Period.

[@BuryMeInBabylon]

Did you watch the video. Feminist

[@youtubeKathy]

go away

[@awsambdaman]

What the…

[@quovadis509]

This is pop psychology - with a twist of "bible lemon" - not Catholic moral theology. I say this not as an insult. I came to this channel with great hope (being a devotee of St. John Paul II and having been married 24 years now) only to find things he was saying didn’t sound right. Fr. Ripperger is far more authoritative, helpful and useful in the area of Church teaching for “sacramentally married” on these sexual and canonical issues: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hIm1kqemasaMprM

[@sensusfidelium9510]

I believe you are correct!

[@truecatholic1]

Heresy alert! What is marriage for if not to make "the marital act" between to persons of the opposite sex legitimate. The idea that a husband can sinfully "use his wife" is nonsense. That said, there are a number of circumstances where the husband loses his right to demand the marital act. One would be if he refuses to support the family when he is able to do so.

[@metaphysika]

Dr. West, you often respond to general questions about marital intimacy by focusing on contexts where men are the problem, such as those with intemperate sexual desires. This approach can mislead people whose situations don't involve such issues, causing them to assume men's disordered desires are the primary cause of intimacy problems. When addressing broad questions like "What should husbands do if denied sex by their wife?", it would be more helpful to refer to the Church's general teachings. These apply to most couples and don't unfairly blame men. Church doctrine states that when a husband makes a sincere, morally licit request for conjugal relations, the wife is obligated to comply at an appropriate time and place. This aligns with the Biblical concept of mutual self-gift in marriage. Your responses often imply that men rarely make appropriate requests, which I believe is inaccurate. Your videos sometimes give the impression that making a morally licit request for conjugal relations is nearly impossible. Could you clarify this stance? Have you or anyone from TOBI discussed wives' obligations regarding conjugal relations, barring grave circumstances or immoral requests? Lastly, your approach seems to lean towards Gnosticism, erroneously viewing sexual desires as inherently negative. For reference, here is the actual teachings of the Bible, Popes and many theologians: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! St. Paul 1 Cor. 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** Principles for Marriage 7 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Casti Cannubi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** 19. The second blessing of matrimony which We said was mentioned by St. Augustine, is the blessing of conjugal honor which consists in the mutual fidelity of the spouses in fulfilling the marriage contract, so that what belongs to one of the parties by reason of this contract sanctioned by divine law, may not be denied to him or permitted to any third person; nor may there be conceded to one of the parties anything which, being contrary to the rights and laws of God and entirely opposed to matrimonial faith, can never be conceded. 25. By this same love it is necessary that all the other rights and duties of the marriage state be regulated as the words of the Apostle: "Let the husband render the debt to the wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband,"[28] express not only a law of justice but of charity. CASTI CONNUBII. vatican.va/content/pius-xi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_19301231_casti-connubii.html **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aquinas, to deny sex (unless for grave reason) is sin. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** Since the wife has power of her husband's body, and "vice versa," with regard to the act of procreation, the one is bound to pay the debt to the other, at any season or hour, with due regard to the decorum required in such matters, for this must not be done at once openly.253 St. Thomas, then, goes on to say, "For it is ordained by God, on account of the weakness of the flesh, that the debt must always be paid to the one who asks lest he be afforded an occasion of sin." Gordon, Stephanie. Ask Your Husband: A Wife’s Guide to True Femininity (pp. 193-194). Archangel Ink. Kindle Edition. FN 253 and 254: Aquinas, Thomas. The Summa Theologica of St. Thomas Aquinas. London: Burns Oates & Washbourne, 1912, Question 64. Article 9 Ad 1. **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! St. Liguori says it is a sin to withhold.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** St. Alphonsus Liguori, Theologia Moralis “When the husband requests the marriage debt, the wife is obliged to render it, and vice versa. But if the request is unreasonable, for instance, if the wife is pregnant, or in a state of ill health, or if it would be a cause of serious sin or harm, then the request can be refused.” **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Code of Canon Law: duty and rights to conjugal union.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** CHAPTER VIII. THE EFFECTS OF MARRIAGE Can. 1135 Each spouse has an equal duty and right to those things which belong to the partnership of conjugal life. Art. 2. SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them. Code of Canon Law - Book IV - Function of the Church Liber (Cann. 998-1165) (vatican.va) **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Prummer says it is a sin to withhold. The marital debt. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** 860. 2. THE OBLIGATION TO RENDER THE MARRIAGE DUES. FIRST PRINCIPLE. As often as one of the parties asks reasonably and seriously for the rendering of the marriage dues the other is bound in justice to accede to the request otherwise grave sin is committed. The request must be reasonable and serious. EXPLANATION. The request is unreasonable if made in a state of drunkenness, or when one of the parties is seriously ill, or if the request is too frequent or causes scandal to others, or if the act is accompanied by the practice of onanism. The request is not considered serious if made in the form of a desire rather than a definite will. But if the request is reasonable and serious, then the other party is obliged in justice to render the marriage debt under pain of grievous sin, as is evident a) from the words of St. Paul quoted above, and b) from the nature of the marriage contract in which the right to sexual intercourse is handed over from one party to the other. This obligation of rendering the marriage dues, although of its nature serious since it is concerned with a grave matter stipulated in a just contract, does admit of pravity of matter. Thus, if the wife were to refuse marital relations once or twice, awaiting a time more suitable to herself she would not be guilty of grave sin-at least, if the husband is not thereby placed in proximate danger of incontinence or provoked to excessive anger. It is self-evident that there is no obligation to render these dues if one of the parties has forfeited the right to ask for them by reason of his or her adultery or as the result of severance of conjugal relations having been legitimately obtained. Prümmer Dominicus M. (1984). Handbook of moral theology. Ft. Collins, CO: Roman Catholic Books. p. 411

[@cj7girl280]

Why would she decline him? 😕 😯

[@deirdresversion]

Because women don't always want sex!

[@cj7girl280]

@@deirdresversion One woman told me that she sometimes didn't want sex because her husband was self seeking. He only looked to pleasure and satisfy himself. Sad how some men are this way. You'd think both people would Steve to serve the other

[@deirdresversion]

@@cj7girl280 That is sad. There are also many medical reasons why some women rarely pursue sex too which need to be acknowledged by the Church more. Sexual health of women is largely ignored and women are told to “push through the pain” or offer it up and deal with it. It’s wrong.

[@cj7girl280]

@@deirdresversion what kind of medical problems? Sorry to hear you suffer from medical issues. Hope you have a quick recovery. 🙏

[@deirdresversion]

@@cj7girl280 that’s very nice if you, but I wasn’t talking about myself. I meant women in general. There’s many factors that can cause problems whether mentally, physically, or emotionally.

[@ItsChrisFtw]

Fr. Ripperger has a great video on this topic. Both partners owe it to each other as part of their union. Wives should submit to their husband's sexual desires period- unless seriously ill.

[@cj7girl280]

The Husband should submit to their wife when she says let's go too. 😉

[@ItsChrisFtw]

@@cj7girl280 In the context of sex, yes 😉 That's what Fr. Ripperger teaches. Both owe it to their partner! It's part of their duty to each other- a complete act of love.

[@cj7girl280]

@@ItsChrisFtw Agreed. 😊

[@mrsl5514]

What if it's the husband that never wants to "do it?" I tried the "you have a duty/you are required" line and that didn't go over well. I just need to get over it somehow.

[@rbdb8953]

I think it's important to note that there's a difference between being used and being loved. I don't think anyone is called to serve as a msturbtry object.

[@jvogelis]

This is gold. Thanks Mr. West.

[@sirzorg5728]

This video is a slap in the face to men who are actually suffering. The vast majority of people who would find this video are people trying to find a godly way to deal with a marriage where their wife is neglecting their need for intimacy. These men are not simply seeking to use their wife as a sex doll, they genuinely love her and are trying to find a way to talk to her about their needs but are meeting resistance. Us men are used to taking up the slack of others, especially women we love, but there are limits to this. Quoting some inane jimmy buffet song at them is just insulting.

[@TheologyoftheBodyInstitute]

Hello @sirzorg5728 ! Thank you for your honest comment. We didn't intend to come across as insensitive. It's difficult to be nuanced in a short form video. Consider watching this one. We hope is a little more nuanced. kzbin.info/www/bejne/pYPZgnmLhs6qaposi=zatolWYa8ZTQVKI-

[@stephenpopovichl122]

This guy is kinda full of bull with many of his comments-One comment below rightly suggests too often these psychologists are looking mainly at the mans side of the issues-he emphasis a special responsibility on men but then refutes Paul's submit comment.Paul never suggests the women to be the door mat and authentic church teaching has not either. Some misguided priests theologians may have but the church hasn't. It is popular to talk about only the man who has the issues, flaws- Next this guy has to quit singing and yes biblically Eve was the first to sin and Adam was quickly right after it.Nobody I know makes a point of it to blame the women because of her sex for this sin. Sounds a little WOKE to me? Both sexes share in the blame concerning the above topic. The new hip theology today is to point most of the responsibility to the man. The new toxic radical feminist often tries these days to compensate at times for abuses by men in the past(I agree they were abusive and so are women in different ways-more lives are taken by abortions than probably all murders these days-we need to look at this particular problem with women and men of course-but I think honestly women have to really have to be mostly accountable for this) But it has gone to far and people with these critiques centering mostly men issues or alluding to this in these discussions-It is getting old. Again all you hear these days is the analysis towards the man-can you imagine making a session where we consider women's challenges and flaws also? I love women and their dignity very much-but don;t berate men all the time because it is the new hip thing to do,

[@pappasc79]

Let me guess: The husband, who GAVE UP HIS LIFE AND FREEDOM FOR THE WOMAN, has to be kind, generous, merciful, forgiving, and understanding. But if a single guy looks at a hot woman for more than 8 milliseconds, fire and brimstone, "gauge your eyes out," and "adulterers will not inherit the kingdom" Christianity is great for women It's a total ripoff for men

[@nancyhon406]

Thsnk u. Long overdue. Too much swept under the carpet. Pls make objective suggestionvs. May the HolySpitit inspire you. 😊

[@pappasc79]

"Kim" by Eminem is such a great song

[@HoradrimBR]

In normal circunstances, as a rule, the priest is right: a wife has a duty to submit to her husband.

[@theresarezac7502]

Go through menopause, and then tell a woman what to do with her body.

[@HoradrimBR]

@@theresarezac7502 non argument.

[@spencerfrankclayton4348]

"Priest." God's Word says not to deny *each other.*

[@HoradrimBR]

@@spencerfrankclayton4348 the Priest said what's on the Bible and was always the teaching of the Church.

[@stephanietanniss]

Reading these comments. You've angered many men Dr. west! But I've got to agree with you. Coming from a background discerning celibacy and now discerning marriage ( and being very attracted to my boyfriend who also previously discerned celibacy) we both 100% agree, Sex, even within marriage, isn't to scratch an itch. Dr. west, you're calling people to have actual sexual restraint and respect sex as a gift. Something probably not practiced or understood before marriage and most are definitely not happy about practising within marriage! Im not excited for the days of abstinence I'm going to have to follow if I marry my boyfriend but it baffles me that so many people in the comments seem to think they deserve sex for any reason and think marriage is the license to do so! Your wife doesn't just replace your hand! 🤭🤭🤭 But I could be wrong and I'm an idealist.

[@cannybullrector3842]

I’ve seen these comments, but I’ve seen many men who feel hurt by the insinuation that if their wife denies their request for intimacy, that it’s because they’re objectifying them. While I’m sure this happens frequently, there are no doubt many instances where men simply desire to be with their wives, but are persistently denied. Making room for this possibility, and working to resolve that type of dysfunction, would make this video more even-handed in its judgment. IMHO. I obviously don’t have the education nor ethical lucidity of Dr. West, but I don’t think these criticisms are unwarranted.

[@affirmationbyboldaction2210]

Not even one person has suggested that sex is deserved for ANY reason. It is this crazy assumptions that you and Mr West are making that is making your views acceptable. What this West guys is doing is teaching adultery and I am not sure whether he understands the responsibility he is putting on himself if as a result of his corrupt teaching women who listens to him use this as a tool to diagnose their husbands as sexually deprived and begin to refuse them on grounds this teaching. To talk about a delicate issues like this to please women in the expense of the real scripture, I think West needs help and I will do him a favour by dropping one Hail Mary for him.

[@SS-wt7kc]

You are right - and both of you will experience a healthy, loving relationship with that thinking! Marriage is about focusing on giving, not taking (that includes the bedroom). My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and never once have we approached sex as something we are entitled to. We put each other first. The result is a very healthy, happy marriage and sex life. Best to both of you, God bless!

[@thecatholiccorner]

@@SS-wt7kc Nice to hear this! That's the type of relationship I want :)

[@Lotsoflittles1230]

Woman here 👋 You may not have to abstain within marriage. We don’t…. Only when I’m immediately postpartum for about six weeks as is medically required. Fair warning- we are expecting our fifth baby and have only been married for four years, but if you’re lucky, you’ll be a couple fully open to intimacy and children at all times. Also, hopefully your husband never used/uses his hand. Part of your duty as a spouse is to fulfill the sexual needs and desires of your partner. Neither of you should marry if you aren’t willing to do that.

[@Mary-mj7le]

zero dislikes is pretty good i think

[@samantaray]

Thank you.

[@Kalmar917]

Well, I knew someone who didn’t have sex with his wife for a year because he did not agree with her political leanings. To that end for me that would be over. In that situation the wife holds all the blame in my book. But yes, I agree with this message in the video in general but in very specific cases that blame lies with the wife alone.

[@spencerfrankclayton4348]

What?? The woman is to blame because he denied her?

[@Kalmar917]

@@spencerfrankclayton4348 Sorry, I meant it the other way around. Lol!

[@antoniomoyal]

So good!

[@clarissa5060]

Great video! (:

[@misterhot9163]

If a husband wants some nookie from his wife, perhaps he should scrub a toilet?? That will get her in the mood for sure 😂

[@kyler9323]

Or she could allow herself to "get in the mood"? People's minds are quite powerful. But I agree, nothing better than a helpful husband!

[@caitlynjude8291]

Amazing video! :) ❤️

[@rosie0990]

Thank you!!

[@LB-ku6ry]

This was needed information. Thank you.