When the Avoidant Comes Back..

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@cleaninggirl-2000]

Don’t take an avoidant back. And don’t cut them off just to try to get them back. They don’t know how to love properly or even have a casual relationship. Just don’t waste your time , especially if they are not working on themselves. They will abandon you .

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're right-avoiding further emotional investment is often the healthiest choice when they're not working on themselves.

[@AWA89r]

Mine is going to therapy for about a year now see no results and I filed divorce last valentines, been physical separation for almost 5 months today he texted me emotional one very first time. 18 years together

[@cleaninggirl-2000]

@ I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so easy to trauma bond with an avoidant

[@JohnADuerk]

@@AWA89r I'm so sorry to read this.

[@kalliyo]

discarded me, acted like she never cared, left me on read all of that.. 4months no contact as of rn, I´m working on myself as best as I can as an anxious

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It's tough, but it sounds like you're focusing on healing. Stay strong and prioritize yourself

[@AllenTolbert-ld9ms]

One day these people will mess with the wrong person playing with their emotions and get hurt or killed and only have themselves to blame because they don't get help it's on them

[@AngelicaWashington-c1w]

He came back after I unblocked him on social media. Chatted for a day before he went MIA again bc I wanted to talk more about why I blocked him. At first I was soo bothered bc he never responded to my last msg but then I just stopped giving a damn. I’m going into the new year without deadweight & uncertainty. He & I both know I was soo good to him bc I genuinely cared for this person. I’ll happily invest that energy into myself.

[@BodilessVoice]

Basically, don't date assholes. And don't tolerate self-indulgent psychological explanations for why he's being an asshole. (The same applies for a she.)

[@JordanLagoFilms]

My DA came back to me after exactly 90 days of no contact. I love her a ton but I’m remaining detached from her and to outcome to see if she has really changed after taking up therapy so she can be vulnerable towards me. Maintaining patience is a must and letting her reach out to me instead of chasing her down. Communication is up, however, it’s sporadic. 5-10 messages thread then runs away for a few days. Keeping mindful, taking care of my own needs and looking forward to a good outcome!

[@SK-no2pp]

Can’t really have a great outcome with someone emotionally unavailable

[@csg45001]

I am in a similar relationship. I am FA working to be secure and my DA recently reached out after 45 days no contact (after I told him to quit contacting me due to the rollercoaster we was on) with a text I kept it polite but I only respond when he messages me and he has been missing for 5 days now. I’m glad I viewed this video because it shows he’s not ready and I still have some work to do. I am still hopeful but cautious.

[@johnnova6999]

YESSIRR KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES UNTIL SHE PROVES SHE’S DOING THE WORK !!

[@AWA89r]

Mine has been seeing to therapy for about a year now see no results and I filed divorce last valentines, been physical separation for almost 5 months today he texted me emotional one very first time. 18 years together, 3 kids!

[@JordanLagoFilms]

@@csg45001 keep working on yourself, remain detached to outcome. Don’t chase. Let him come to you respond accordingly. Let him see the pattern he is doing to himself. While that is all happening keep your heart open to whatever might come your way

[@SK-no2pp]

When they try to weasel their way back into your life as a friendship or situationship 🙄

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Definitely frustrating when they come back with no real intention to change. Trust your instincts!

[@AdaDivine-o1l]

Yeah they come back every time but they also leave again every time so safe yourself the waiting

[@r_and_a]

no, they don't "leave again every time" 🙄 such an extreme statement is silly in general but there are also plenty of examples including my own relationship

[@riverbilly64]

They. Leave. Every. Time. Always. That extreme statement is spot on! And not extreme. They leave EVERY time.

[@r_and_a]

@@riverbilly64 extreme (ɪkstrim) adjective - very great in degree or intensity. hence claiming "they leave again *every time"* is literally by definition "extreme" as well as inaccurate but i can certainly understand why anyone would leave people who are so negative & closed minded 🤷

[@Mark_simard14]

@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Lifehow long?

[@AdaDivine-o1l]

@ happy for you

[@ruthsoni2693]

He came back today after 65 days of no contact

[@Mark_simard14]

Seriously?

[@kalaikealohi4361]

That's awesome but what is he really want did he want to reconcile? Or just fueling his ego?

[@the_blue_lotus_portal]

This person has come back into my life several times and has taken accountability each time, and has been in therapy and taking classes. But he still keeps shutting down, disappearing abruptly without notice (this last time it's been nearly an entire month), and doing other distancing behaviors. We both feel there is "ultimate partnership" material here so we've gone around the bend a few times, but I feel so exhausted from the carousel. I know he'll come back around again, and I'm not sure how to prepare myself for that. I do feel very good on my own and pretty stable within myself. Maybe we can just be friends for awhile to slowly build trust.

[@SaraX2024]

How long has he been in therapy for? It's a slow process. I would give it at least a year or two even. And therapy itself can make you emotionally exhausted and shut down, as well, because it's the most vulnerable you'll ever get. I also told my DA we can only be friends for now while he's working on himself. We never ended up in a relationship, even though he initiated the interest every time. But I needed to stop the push-and-pull and emotionally detach from the situation, so I offered him friendship instead. Our communication has become so much better and more trusting since. I think it's best to build trust and mutual respect as friends first before starting any relationship with anyone, avoidant or not. That doesn't mean you need to wait for him to get his act together. Have your own life.

[@cyan4167]

Wow this describes my exact situation too. So sorry you’re going through it. It’s incredibly draining and painful. Sending love ❤️

[@michaella5799]

Your a fwb, just accept it.

[@the_blue_lotus_portal]

@cyan4167 ahhh thank you, it is actually nice to know I'm not alone. Sorry it's been so hard for you too!

[@the_blue_lotus_portal]

@@SaraX2024 love this, yes. We have been pseudo friends for quite awhile with the recognition we need to move slow, and it helps that we're a few hundred miles away from each other. When we've seen each other, we're somewhat romantic but moving slow. He's been in therapy for about 2 years. Thanks for this perspective. I understand change takes a lot of time; I have seen that in my own life over the years too so I do get it. Of course I do always need to strike the balance of honoring the connection with him while also honoring myself, and that's what I'm doing. Definitely have emotionally detached to some degree from what feels like drama and holding space for whatever comes into my life that feels resonant. I have gone out with a few men during this time but nothing touches the connection I have with him, and I know he feels the same way (because he has told me many times over the 4 years we've known each other).

[@SoBelle100]

No one is worth this much work! Someone this developmentally impaired needs to be alone and not continue to ruin emotionally healthy people's lives.

[@MrNovember06]

Mine came back after 3 months but once she told me she slept with someone during the breakup I cut her off without thinking twice about it

[@seemu2927]

Good for you. Life’s too short For someone messing with you like that

[@JordanLagoFilms]

Yeah that’s definitely a hard line. She’s contaminated. Mine went on a date but that was as far as it went. She was truthful of that.

[@SK-no2pp]

Good for you! Too many games with them

[@johnnova6999]

You telling me ya’ll didn’t sleep with people before meeting each other ? Come on now. Plus ya’ll were broken up.

[@deedeebrecca8645]

She not only added to her body count assuming this wasn't an ex, she has added a soul tie. Good for you for not taking her back.

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

Point taken however self soothing and self love yes, but does not substitute having a man’s/woman’s presence in your life, their masculinity/femininity, conversation, support, physicality, their arms wrapped around u when u need it.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It's tough, but it sounds like you're focusing on healing. Stay strong and prioritize yourself

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

@ Please … it’s not always about “healing”! Some of us are already secure attachment! Still human. Please try to remember that. It’s never addressed. It’s a “them” issue, not a “we” issue.

[@MF-se1zl]

While experienciang for more than a year an excellet relationship my partner walked out saying he just felt I was into him more than he was into me. Left me totally destroyed. A month later he said he had gone over everything in therapy and wanted to apologize in a session bc he was committed to change. I was reluctant but agreed bc I was glad he was working on his issues. After a few weeks we went back together and it was even better than before. Then three months later he walked away again. Do not trust them with what they say or do. They cannot help themselves!

[@pams6763]

My ex knows I will not be his friend and he's blocked. And we were friends for 20 years before we dated and got engaged. I don't know if he'd have the nerve to try and talk to me through other people but if he does my plan is to tell him to apologize and get therapy. But I think he might not want to talk to me bc he knows exactly how mad I am. I just also lost a friend through all this!!! But I can't trust him even as a friend.

[@sylviaroberts4444]

So good…so good 🙏

[@keyhansaldjoughi9613]

Seriously, gotta be fraction of a man to even consider a woman who's whereabouts is unknown for 2 months, avoidant or not.

[@janine_christie]

Great timing 🙃 thank you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

[@Ruth1v16]

Great content Thais !!! I hear loud and clear 🎉

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you enjoyed the content!

[@Swapmeet421]

She came back after being separated for a few months. We had only gone on a few dates, but we had been friends for years before that. Then all of a sudden, she starts reaching out to me, asking for favors such as rides to places when her car was broken down, and inviting me to study with her in public. We meet on a pretty regular basis now (as friends), we talk about our dating lives with each other, she asks for my opinion on things, and regularly vents her problems and frustrations to me. I am having trouble navigating what her intentions truly are, as I am too nervous to ask and find out, as I fear that will ruin things entirely between us. I am curious if anyone else has had this dilemma, and am wondering if she truly wants to remain friends, or something more.

[@riverbilly64]

Ask and find out. If you have doubts about how someone, ANYONE, feels about you, there’s your answer. Don’t drag things out. Don’t be a rescuer.

[@thesetruths1404]

Communicate or just be friends. Don't let her waste your time, money, and effort though by enabling her to keep you as her pal, if you can't just decide she's a pal and feel that way also.

[@deemee5875]

Needed this video 3 months ago 😢

[@ndr523]

She left me out of the blue. We had a great night and the next day the phase out began. Two days later she broke up with me over text. It’s reassuring that it’s not entirely my fault

[@geekt]

That happened to me after 16 months of what I thought was my soul Mate. Ghosted now for 8 months. Very difficult for me. We planned a future, I'm 69 and she quit me.

[@KristieTertel]

I appreciate you sharing this

[@jaredvaughan1665]

The correct terms are: 1) Secure-traces of insecurity 2) Anxious-secure 3) Avoidant-secure 4) Anxious-avoidant

[@thesetruths1404]

SA here, born and raised. Also raised without help to understand the other gender, or people of the world really at all. Right now, I feel mostly numb. I assume it's largely the avoidant I married. About 12 years into marriage. Now I look back and see the atomic flags I saw, but dismissed, as I liked 2 elements about them that were very strong for me, but clearly, they are not enough for a merry and balanced friendship. But now there's only 1, really. 1 of the traits is almost almost non-existant anymore. It's very important for me, but very asleep, as it has little nurturing from her. I'm trying to decided what to do. Risk the rest of my life with her, or cut losses and start again with a better companion of better natural compatibility.

[@dante6985]

A little late but I'd suggest cutting your losses. Couples therapy can move people a bit but "numb" is not a good place to be. Happy single or happy with someone else.

[@jasonoaks-g1s]

Never!! She permanently damaged my soul. I have both left for her. I believe forgiveness would help- the more I learn the more I despise. She knew exactly what she was doing. 👎🏻👎🏻👿🎭🎯✅

[@vfd3203]

My avoidant person came back after around 8-9 months and wants me back in their life again. They have said things to me that they have never said to me before. I actually have seen emotion and vulnerability from this person for the first time as well. I’m just not sure I can trust them after everything as much as I want to and I don’t know what to do. Give them a chance or cut them loose again? I did meet up with them obviously just because I still do care about them and I’m not the type of person with no heart or to be mean. Any opinions or advice is welcome if anyone wants to share. I’m so confused 😢 He says he’s worked on himself and he did go through a couple of pretty big losses since the time apart and he’s just opened up to me about things he never would before.

[@QPONPOWER1]

You said you are so confused. You have your answer.

[@r_and_a]

going slow would probably be best for both of you to minimize potential hurt if things don't work out but also increase the possibility it does as it helps them feel safer & more comfortable too as thais said, it's crucial *you* have also been working on yourself to ensure you can self soothe & meet your own needs regardless of what happens with the relationship but it'll also improve the chances it works i'm an FA who leaned heavily into my AP side when 1st met my DA partner & when we reconnected after 18mo leaned into my DA side but since discovering pds have been becoming more secure i'm honestly consistently pleasantly surprised at both the progress of our relationship & us individually 💜 best wishes with whatever you decide

[@MrHatebreeder1992]

If it didn't work first time, why do you think it will work out again? Nah, better to find someone else with less problems.

[@r_and_a]

@@MrHatebreeder1992 imagine if you gave up on everything that "didn't work the 1st time" - you'd never have walked, potty trained, or learned pretty much *anything* 😬 *all* insecure attachment styles have problems & one who'd choose the name "mr h@te breeder" certainly doesn't appear to be an exception

[@coping_in_copeland_coper]

Great video.

[@K5720k]

I did self soothe most of the time in relationship, but he discarded me due to his stress. He blamed me for making him anxious despite it’s his trust issue made things worse. Now came back after 4 months asking if i miss him 😅

[@eugenechan6048]

I am not sure what else to do but to give her space. Mine totally shut down and went silent after I told her, her behaviours hurt me. I am not sure if I'm doing the right thing by giving her the space and totally leaving her alone and not getting her attention? It came as a time when she was slowly opening up. she didnt even bother to communicate with me. She would open up, then shut down, then open up again and shut down. I even reached out, apologized to her and even asked if she wanted to talk things out, but she ignores my message.

[@thesetruths1404]

Cut your losses. Unless she comes around with full accountability and in action with mentorship and commitment.

[@JoshNorris-f3i]

We already tried to reconcile and it blew up again. 3 weeks no contact and accepted I can’t wait for her again, she’s gone this time and that’s okay. Good luck everyone ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're taking the right steps by accepting it’s time to move forward. Wishing you peace in this journey

[@hummingbirdchen]

3:00 this is the MOST important thing to remember... you have to ask this question! Are they doing the work?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Absolutely-self-awareness and healing are crucial.

[@ejimshalom5480]

Mine comes back at intervals would be vulnerable a bit The first time he sent my pictures he kept in a file on his Pc,spoke about how much he loved me and how affected he was when we dated,then goes ghost. Came back again to talk about how he hasn’t found a connection like ours or have the same feeling for anyone else,then nothing Came back again asked if I would date him back if possible,I said yes and still nothing He later asked to see me,we met When I asked if he was dating anyone he said no but he had someone he was with but wasn’t dating and I’m like why you stressing me then? Make it make sense

[@Lulu-nn8mg]

He's looking for better and comes back when disappointed. Block him he will go nuts lol

[@ejimshalom5480]

@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g I’m not there I don’t let it confuse me,yes I want to date him back but not this unhealed version of him I put a lot of work in on myself to settle for that

[@ejimshalom5480]

@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life real We were friends before we dated too The vibe been always there it’s hard to just cut it off

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That sounds like a confusing situation. Trust your instincts and protect your peace

[@keyhansaldjoughi9613]

I'm simply gonna ignore any reach out from the avoidant. They are con artists

[@gregthapeg]

How to react. Number 1. Lock the door

[@meowmeow5626]

True.After he came back he have asked to me “do you think i will be a good husband.? (I thought this was Green flag that he get lil better)And i know i did hurt you when i did no contact for a year.N after saying this then later Mia for two months then came back again said he wanna come to my home n drop me something n then MIA again for 7weeks now.i get used to this but sometimes it is so hard for be patient w this. but i hope he get better and move the mountain by him self.i am so glad to watch your content while im waiting for him Thank you Thais Gibson:)

[@diveflyfish]

If there is a cycle of great time on a date and then a time of silence two to three weeks, is this cycle to be expected for an FA? what is the best way to ask if they are ok without triggering them?

[@fakenattypolice8317]

If my avoidant girlfriend came back and expressed that she was working on personal growth and trying to make herself a more secure attachment style and had a strategy I would consider the relationship. But for myself right now, it’s all about inner self work in moving myself from anxious to more secure so I really don’t see that happening. Hopefully someday I’ll be secure enough to attract a better relationship.

[@jasonoaks-g1s]

Will she try and come back if she’s a NPD?

[@SK-no2pp]

The better question is do you want someone who is narcissistic back into your life?

[@riverbilly64]

Probably! They are worse than DAs. They just want to see if you’ll take the bait. Don’t.

[@jasonoaks-g1s]

I have made tremendous progress forward. On the daily I make breakthroughs. Not the same as before- not sure what we could or would have in common. I’m a fully booked Barber💈- which was the main reason we connected Before. Supposedly she was single as was I. Looking for my equal, not a person who cannot be real. My apologies- for my tangent.

[@ashlinicole10]

Is there a correlation between DA/FAs and narcissism?

[@compaqq178]

They usually do things similarly but with a different end goal or motive? Search it up. Can't really say I'm an expert about it

[@compaqq178]

But some people could confuse a narcissist with an avoident and vice versa. It's pretty shit involving yourself with those two anyways

[@SK-no2pp]

Yes, but the intention is different

[@CadePlaisance]

The main difference between a narcissist and an avoidant is that narcissists do not know how to take real accountability and say that their sorry without it sounding fake, because narcissists either have a really hard time FEELING empathy or they just don't feel it at all. Whereas an avoidant can definitely take accountability and say the words "I'm sorry" or "sorry". Another thing is that you'll notice that a narcissist will emulate or fake a caring tone and say the exact thing that gets you vulnerable and either immediately or shortly afterward ask or demand something in return. I have an aunt with narcissistic tendencies and recently got out of a 3 month situationship with an avoidant. I've worked with narcissists before (usually bosses or managers) they are master manipulators and there is a lot of trauma on my mom's side of my family which created more than a few avoidants. So believe me when I say I know the difference.

[@remydiaz6931]

When it comes to FAs It can also show traits of BPD

[@tallspicy]

I feel so sad when you cater to the will they come back crowd, it feels like the opposite of secure teachings.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I get what you mean! It’s important to keep secure attachment as the priority in healing.

[@deannarobinson4065]

Bless them ❤️‍🩹 Change me