When the Dismissive Avoidant is Doubting Their Feelings-Strategies to Create Massive Changes: 3 of 3

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Why Dismissive Avoidants Doubt Their Feelings So Often in A Relationship
- Why Dismissive Avoidants Doubt Their Feelings So Often
- Dismissive Avoidant and Their Feelings
- Two Key Reasons Dismissive Avoidants Doubt Their Love
- How to Transform Your Stories
- Question Your Thinking
- Meeting Your Needs
- Opening Up
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Thank you for watching!

[@howtosober]

Nothing kills a relationship faster than a DA constantly nitpicking, starting fights over nothing, and looking for reasons not to be with you. It's exhausting having to prove yourself against all their negative assumptions when they already give nothing to the relationship. I noticed a marked shift in my own progress and self-confidence in future relationships when I stopped spending my time trying to understand the other insecure attachment types and how to "make it work" with them and changed my investment entirely to understanding and healing my own. It's great that if you're already stuck in a marriage with a dismissive avoidant partner and there is a lot at stake, there are ways to heal these partnerships over time. But personally I'd much rather become secure and exclusively seek out secure partners. There isn't enough juice in return for the squeeze when it comes to avoidant partner relationships.

[@chiaraA.]

3 months out of a relationship with a DA I can most happily say it killed me having to/needing to prove myself to my partner because of this horrible experience. I'm looking forward to healthy relationships with secures now that I see I have absolutely nothing to prove. So thanks DA, I exhausted proving myself over and over and then said wait, what is happening here and more importantly, I matter. So perhaps the trauma and the lesson was an investment well spent even though one of the most head turning experiences I've ever had in relationships. I would never wish it on anyone, but there are lessons to learn to invest in yourself and also really pay attention to the reality of what you're getting by being with a person who won't/doesn't satisfy your needs or expectations yet expects you to do all of that for them and STILL doesn't know if you're all that - no one deserves to be on the receiving side of a DA - you all deserve so much better. It is a mirror of what you are depriving for yourself

[@charlyemmalouise8929]

OMG AMEN. Being in a relationship with a DA, even if you are a SECURE person, can tear your self esteem and your entire set of beliefs about yourself to shreds. It's will suck dry your reserves of mental and emotional energy and can completely take over your life, rendering everything else unimportant. And unfortunately, in my experience, it will also leave you traumatized and more anxiously wired for future relationships. I firmly believe that I was originally secure, but have become fearful avoidant due to my last few relationships with DA's. As you said, stop searching to understand them and their destructive, ego-crushing behaviors. Just leave and find someone who won't submit you to this kind of emotional torture.

[@anoncspan4129]

Yeah, although my DA is starting to recognize her own style, finally, it's been most productive focusing on myself. Someone mentioned that it also helps them see how if "the imperfect you" can improve, maybe so can they. That's maybe optimistic, but gotta try for the kids on this side... if the relationship does end, yeah, looking for that secure person after I feel I've dealt with most of my own issues. Hope you're well.

[@sigridsoegaard]

Curious question; Why are you here, If you are done with analyzing people with dismissive avoidant attachment style?

[@decklensworld1755]

That happens to me all the time. This last breakup finally made me realize that I am good enough! I just kept picking DA’s because it gave me a purpose to “prove” to men that I am worth it and that’s why they all ended. I will not be someone’s “convenient” girl😡

[@viviancardenas5032]

Thank you!! This is super helpful!

[@chuckbrand8139]

Amazing video, as always.

[@aycamutlu410]

You are a true gift! Thank you 🙏

[@dunpop8323]

One of the best videos !!!!

[@yuristeaparty]

Thank you so much for this!

[@meeraraj0]

7:40 the narrative inside our mind will become self fullfulling prophecies. Over time carrying that wound will move you down the trajectory of behaviors or your life will start reflecting back to you that wound. Observe the stories we telling ourself

[@TatiTalks]

This is really great, Thais.

[@idaliakulik]

I love your videos and they have helped me understand certain things so much more! The only thing I would say is that it would be so much more helpful if you could possibly include other relevant video URLs in the description e.g. the links to parts 1of3 and part 2of3 in the description so we could just click on then and get teleported to more of your amazing content!! ;) Xx

[@ivanadjak7845]

Thank you for your helpful content. A video on how to effectively encourage a dismissive avoidant to actually get help to heal to go to therapy would be great. It seems hard to get them to admit they carry trauma.

[@BrooklynParis16]

THIS PLEASE

[@ava-jl1ll]

Yes yes and yes!!!!

[@thepsychicbaddie]

Yesssss My boyfriend is like “I’m avoidant??” Like baby... you took the quiz with me🥲

[@musclemomma1541]

Omg yes!! 😂

[@youraccount7003]

Totally agree.

[@TatiTalks]

Thank Jesus for this video. X’D oh my god. I needed it so bad today.

[@part-timephilosopherLol]

You are truly awesome

[@alskane]

Can you do a video about attachment styles and ask/guess culture? Are people with safe attachment more likely to feel comfortable in ask territory, and anxious/avoidant lean more into guess?

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

Maybe I just dont want somebody THAT broken in my life. Done my share trying.

[@vtchevalier]

Yup

[@saikerzlol]

I saved her, gave everything i could in every sense, i created a new world for her but then she destroyed mine. :(

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

@@saikerzlol I am still not done thinking about all the hurtful experiences..I feel scared. On the other hand, even tho I struggle, my day to day life got easier than before.

[@andrewraslan5348]

We feel the same about anxious/needy attachment types. There are two sides to the coin, and the unrealistic movie expectations and over-the-top, weak, 24/7 requirement for reassurance of a large proportion of the population in their friends/family/partners, especially anxiously attached women, will smoke a DAs usually higher-than-average resilience/stamina past the point of no return. That'll get us doing the logical thing and running for the hills to get to breathe again. Two sides sides to every coin.

[@faerieguts]

@@andrewraslan5348 totally agree. There needs to be more attention to how AAs' behaviour impacts F DAs

[@AS-bm7ql]

Thanks for the videos. Related to that: I would be interested in seeing a video on "accepting the partner's weaknesses". As a dismissive avoidant, I have problems accepting the weaknesses of my partner. Also, I try to question my thoughts as you suggested, but I am sometimes not sure what are my deactivating strategies and what might be reality. E.g., thinking that we are not a good match because we have really different interests in life could be a deactivating strategy or reality? Thanks in advance.

[@hydeperv]

I would love some thoughts on a Dismissive Avoidant’s thought process after a breakup. The hot and cold, the sudden “break free” mindset where they run away feeling elated. Then contacting you to get back together, reassessing the relationship. Then “focusing on themselves” and still seeing you in the negative light they did months ago, even though you’re changing. Any insights would be awesome! Thanks!

[@SK-no2pp]

Eleanor Zeigl the pattern won’t change until they recognize what they are doing. I was anxious, now I’m secure. But my DA still is hot and cold. I just don’t take it personally anymore or react. But it hasn’t broken that dynamic.

[@fionaheat718]

Word of advice, GET OUT it’s not worth it. One year into the mariage, I feel constantly suicidal.

[@aetatismedia]

I'm DA - moving towards secure. I think what Thais states in the video and emphasizes.. competing needs.. is a very important take away from the video. DA feelings for our partner run on a broader orbit and it takes a while for our feelings to get close to us and pass by like a comet... usually after we move away from a relationship in the vulnerability stage. Even then when the feelings are close they still seem out of reach, it really is like...reading the bottom line on a vision test with lenses dirty from past emotional wounds (while telling ourselves we are going to fail the test anyways). That's the hot/cold. Then we tell ourselves we don't need glasses anyways = refocusing on ourselves. That's protective against failure, we rebuild our feelings of confidence through focusing on what we are competent in. Once that confidence builds back up, we want to try again. So a dynamic where there is reassurance in a DA's "overall competence in being able to do relationship successfully" and sensing the 'window of tolerance' around conflicts can help immensely. But I know it's not easy.

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

@@aetatismedia thank you for sharing this.

[@jamesgraves9858]

I am getting very depressed myself. One day you might mean something and the next you don't. Hope you're doing ok, Fiona

[@tulip5210]

I would love to see the fearful avoidant side of this series! Sorry for all the requests >_< Thank you these are so helpful.

[@caysonpierce2515]

Sorry to be so offtopic but does someone know of a method to get back into an Instagram account? I was dumb forgot the login password. I would appreciate any tips you can offer me!

[@emersondevin7747]

@Cayson Pierce instablaster :)

[@caysonpierce2515]

@Emerson Devin Thanks for your reply. I found the site on google and Im trying it out now. Looks like it's gonna take quite some time so I will reply here later when my account password hopefully is recovered.

[@caysonpierce2515]

@Emerson Devin it did the trick and I finally got access to my account again. I'm so happy:D Thanks so much, you really help me out :D

[@emersondevin7747]

@Cayson Pierce glad I could help =)

[@jelanix1013]

How come when my nervous system acts up my brains looks for my partner to blame even tho he is in NL and I'm in NYC ( LDR ) but when i get to let myself know it's me and it's am issue from thr past my system relax but my mind us still looking for someone to blame specislly my partner, also why do we go back to unhealthy oatterns knowing that its not real and not good for our self and out Relationships

[@foxerrr7864]

You did a previous video about reconnecting with a DA after they break up with you-success! We had a good relationship prior to our breakup, and we’ve seen each other and are talking weekly in small bursts-but now what? How do you proceed with a DA that you’ve reconnected with, without scaring them off again?

[@SK-no2pp]

Natalie Fox yea!! Please

[@martinrehout9121]

I think you could ask them what they want so they can take responsibility for themselves, if this doesn’t happen the relationship won’t be healthy in the first place.

[@0Demiyah0]

Lean back, focus on positive interactions, let him come to you, have fun. Be a little mysterious. Don't be too available to him, don't cancel or change plans to see him. If the positive tension builds, he'll want to have a conversation about your connection at some point. Reassure him the connection is safe at that time. Also remember; you deserve to be a Hell Yes.

[@globalmark3300]

Natalie - do you know whats that called or post the link as i want to reconnect with EX who i believe is a DA thanks

[@chickletmonstah]

Start by being fun and less heavy. Flirt for sure. Don’t come too heavy with vulnerability or they will withdraw. Match their energy and investment. Don’t over message

[@nicolesmith7611]

As a dismissal avoidant that is healing. I would say I was broken, when I started investigating where that hurt was coming from it allowed to see what my needs were. DA's are constantly in serving mode because the people (parents family) that should have protected us did not. We are accustomed to thinking of others while they don't reciprocate.

[@marcd2743]

Good luck on your journey Nicole. That's a really big thing for a DA to get to the point you are at! Most will never know or try to work on themselves.

[@notoriousmf6157]

Isn’t that more of a fearful avoidant trait, helping others? Whereas the dismissive avoidant seems to be more concerned about helping and protecting themselves because they were the only ones responsible for themselves and their own emotions and well being when they were younger?

[@chickletmonstah]

I know of one DA who acts like the emotional rock for her fam; while she struggles with her feelings alone

[@notoriousmf6157]

@@chickletmonstah I suppose family relationships are a bit different to romantic ones

[@freeyourdreama7822]

To the personal development ent school - do you have any resources in written (or spoken) Spanish or do you know anyone who does this work and does offer in written Spanish?

[@pure-pisces4512]

Which/where are the other two prior video u are talking about?

[@richardmartinez2973]

What is title of other 2 videos ?????

[@Bluehippocreation__]

I tried to join the AA webinar but I’m working around that time. How fast do they get downloaded into the library?

[@honeymoney23]

What if your doubts aren't about feeling safe? What if you're questioning whether or not you actually love them or the feeling they give you?

[@addinazamil3851]

Maya Renee yes! Please please answer on this one. Thanks Thais

[@wyrdsworth]

DA/FA here, gonna go off on a tangent a wee bit if you'll bear with me. I'm learning that my feelings are so often tied to trauma (or just coping strategies that no longer serve me) that at this point, what's the value in 100% trusting these fears around romantic relationships any more? It's so often in my head! It's nothing to do with my partner! The best course of action is to acknowledge "I am afraid", try to meet that need (currently by myself, hopefully one day with a partner again), and keep trusting them with that part of me. I'm sick of this pattern of disconnecting from myself and intellectualising my feelings. We're allowed to feel whatever the heck we want, Maya, and we're allowed to enjoy things that feel good. I know the question "do i really love them" feels massive. I ask myself stuff like that all the time: how much should I love them? Is this enough? But as Thais says: the underlying problem, for me at least, is the 'I'm not good enough' wound, and it's a wound that is telling you what your needs are. It's OK to be afraid of that. Just pushed away a wonderful person because of how afraid I was to start poking at these wounds. It wasn't my partner, it was the fear and not being able to communicate what my real needs were. What I wish I'd internalised: if your partner makes you feel good, then they're doing it right. Tell them they're doing it right. Work on believing that you're worthy of that feeling. Ask them how you can make them feel loved, and be accepting of yourself when you slip up (reward your successes too). And be patient--as DAs we're so used to meeting our own needs and trusting ourselves--doesn't it feel so easy to give up on other people? There's so much disappointment and stumbling as we learn how to communicate those needs to others, and as they slowly internalise what we're asking for. It can feel excruciating asking for something that we know we can give ourselves. But we all want to have fulfilling relationships, or we wouldn't be here on this channel together. I hope things have gotten better for you in the last year, random internet stranger (and thanks for letting me bloviate here: clearly I have a need to be understood that's not being met right now!). Did you come up with an answer to your own question?

[@untamedwildhorse]

@@wyrdsworth Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s really helped me understand my DA boyfriend. I’ve been somewhat concerned because he hasn’t said “I love you”. In my heart I feel that he does love me. Thankfully, he also demonstrates that he loves me with his actions and consistency. In all honesty, I much prefer to be shown through actions instead of empty words. So over men just saying what we want to hear without their actions being in alignment. At this point, I’m happy with how he shows me that he loves me. I’m curious if DAs are able to ever say the 3 magical words?

[@SingleMomBudgeting]

I get confused and fixated on the texts he sends (that’s how he has ended things twice now)…he says he just doesn’t think he can give me what I want, then he says he’s done and wants to be alone and isn’t ready to be in any relationship. He has shut down and is checked out and he doesn’t know if he will come back. It’s confusing but I’m thinking he is done, for good. I’m just looking for hope in those I don’t know & I don’t think….

[@soulcee8796]

Can you make a video discussing why when someone tells a DA person that he is DA and inform him of how he is, he doesn’t want to accept it and doesn’t want to change. Also the DA doesn’t want to find ways to be better and grow and not be a DA but prefer to stay in that mentality that he is not a DA. Like how can you help someone when they don’t want to realize it? Do I just give up?

[@adrianatuscia707]

A very good question I hope she does a clip around this topic...

[@sshuteandrew]

That mentality has kept them safe- it served a purpose at one time. DA’s avoid opening up and being vulnerable- their natural reaction would be to avoid this in-depth material that makes them confront their feelings. If they were open to change and willing to explore their feelings and new ideas regarding growth- they wouldn’t be DA. It’s something they need to come to on their own.

[@LoveToday8]

"How can you help someone when they don't want to realize it?" Seems like you answered your own question. I have my own boundary that I won't work significantly harder than the other person. This served me well as a therapist and it served me well in personal relationships. Evaluate your level of effort and theirs. If it's not even close, ask yourself why you want to try so hard and what might you lose and what might you gain if you take a step back from this relationship.

[@jordanlevitt1638]

I wondered that myself too. Maybe its pride? Maybe its also how you say it? I remember I told my DA this and at first, he denied it (maybe he felt defective and became defensive?). Then I told him about what it meant and all the characteristics, so then he believed it but didn't care much about it. Until, overtime, I bought up ways it impacts his life (the difficulty he has when it comes to trusting people, his nitpicking etc.) and slowly he realised that it would be beneficial to do something about it. And obviously, it depends on the person, but this worked with him.

[@amanifestasticlife842]

My DA has said he doesn't like being like that but also that it doesn't bother him so much that he would actually want to change it. Lol

[@her_joy108]

Thank you so much! I wanted to ask basic question. If DA, or any other style of attatchment released their previous traumatic expiriences through present love and care in the relationships, would they stop being DA FA AA? Or at least, less than before? Thank you

[@her_joy108]

And one more question :) what is it that attracts DA to other people? What are the general qualities of partners that they truly love?

[@SK-no2pp]

I feel like my DA tries to make me jealous...I wonder why. Is it insecurity

[@AngelicaDXB]

One of the favorite things to do for mine, too

[@bellabong8862]

Same here, SK. Mine would regularly jokingly bring up some porn star and her ginormous boobs as well as meeting up with his baby mama and child when they were in town, ostensibly to give his child a sense of stability (he could have just seen the child alone). Yeah. Other things too. What a tool. Glad I ended it permanently. I'm still mad at myself for tolerating such disrespectful behavior from him. He would always try to make me feel I was being unreasonable and too sensitive and doubt myself.

[@dannywholuv]

Ive noticed this, she will look at other men infront of me, has flirtatious moments with barmen etc. throws in random comments about her sexual past. I wouldnt do any of that to her

[@chickletmonstah]

It’s a distancing tactic. Like comparing you to an ex. Or pointing out your flaws. Give them distance back

[@austinnguyen9107]

4:25 4:40 5:40 7:10 9:35 11:05

[@pisceananarchyvortex7223]

Links to the first 2??

[@morgankeenan8507]

So I shouldn't send this video link to my DA ex? lols

[@courtneywhite3340]

Will you do a video please on how to re-engage a DA partner when he's kind of shut down please? He's still in communication but isn't fully there. He's lost his job and we are in separation because of the pandemic. What is best to do or say to support and comfort him? Perhaps some specific scripts please? I love all your content, it's so helpful. Thank you so much! 🥰

[@jadedavis912]

I have a similar request! The rare few times I've tried to bring up a topic regarding our dynamic and how we can address some of the issues, he's shut down completely. I know he's going through a rough patch. Similarly, would also love a video on how to tell if the DA is just depressed/in a bad place or actually isn't feeling the "relationship", as he was acting much more "secure" up until a few months ago. Thank you for these videos.

[@martinrehout9121]

Hi! So sorry but your request sounds a little unhealthy. Asking for a script to please your partner can ultimately only perpetuate dysfunction and a negatively motivated relationship based on fear and avoidance of possible turmoil and pain. Please make it so that it is you who is your own priority before this relationship, and then act accordingly.

[@courtneywhite3340]

@@martinrehout9121 Hello! No need to apologise, I appreciate your opinion. Thanks for taking the time to share.

[@LoveToday8]

Courtney White Check out Silvy Khoucasian on Instagram. She has some helpful scripts. You can search her name on Spotify and find her on a few podcasts too.

[@courtneywhite3340]

@@LoveToday8 Thank you 😊 I'll definitely have a look for the podcasts. I follow her, she's fantastic!

[@jaredvaughan1665]

What MBTI type are you? ENFJ??

[@chickletmonstah]

She’s an Infj; previously FA now SA

[@camilatrujillo3199]

I’ve pissed my DA boyfriend off by accusing him of lying to me after he told me he hadn’t, I’m a AA and very insecure and I believe the worst first, it’s something I’m not proud and I’m trying so hard to change but I feel like I’m ruining our relationship, what can I do? He says that nothing is changing but I feel like we are slowly making progress. Please help, what can I do?

[@hashtagspandas4070]

Focus on yourself and magic will happen

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

Not gonna lie I cringed before I clicked play 😅

[@mattdoyle6444]

Why won't you get a hold of me

[@chrisjemangelschots735]

Indeed a lot of info, probably very interesting, however talks non stop and way to fast and to much cracking voice, I simply cannot follow up, I regret this

[@lindsay3793]

Effing DAs... SMH.

[@mattdoyle6444]

More like forgot to thank Jesus and Christ Me

[@mattdoyle6444]

Why do u pretend to be my mom