Why are autistic people always misunderstood?

TO BE AUTISTIC IS TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD. Let's talk about the reasons behind being misunderstood and the trauma that comes along with it. The three main pints that I touch on is the double empathy problem, non verbal communication, and communication trauma. I hope by sharing my experiences it helps people feel less alone in theirs!
TIME STAMPS
00:00 - 00:55 Introduction
00:56 - 03:29 The double empathy problem
03:30 - 04:49 The double empathy problem and friendship
04:50 - 08:39 Non verbal communication
08:40 - 09:04 Misinterpreting social cues
09:05 - 11:19 Communication trauma
11:20 - 13:47 Self scripting trauma response
13:48 - 14:59 Unmasking
15:00 - 15:59 Life update and Outro
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ABOUT ME
Hello, for those of you that dont know me my name is Morgan. I am a 22 year old late diagnosed autistic ADHDer from Massachusetts. I am sharing my life on social media in an effort to advocate for autism awareness and break down the stigma surrounding autism and ADHD. I mostly talk about neurodivergent stuff but I also make lifestyle and travel content.

[@nailati]

the worst part is when you carefully explain what you actually feel or intend, thinking that this will clarify the misunderstanding - only for people to assume that you're exaggerating, being dramatic, or trying to manipulate them!

[@commanderwaddles3483]

Nah fr, that's when I just ghost em. My tolerance is finite 😂

[@vocallyverbalvibes655]

Every. Dang. Day. 😬

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

This makes romantic partnerships exceptionally painful. We attract abusive gaslighters

[@boi905]

Doesn’t work when your boss or a teacher is the one who does this

[@msmltvcktl]

@DaughterofDiogenes: more like impossible; I've been in more bad romances than chlamydia

[@adamwalker2377]

You're in an abusive relationship, but it's with the rest of humanity.

[@papierflieger9110]

Haha😅. This is not funny I know.... but very good wording!

[@venusretrograde6177]

Ooof You just perfectly explained the cause of my CPTSD.

[@TheadoreGazda]

Hold up is he not who he is. Sorry dont mean to be in the middle of this. Please forgive my sanity.

[@noemidemelo8959]

Why do I feel like you're talking about my own experience? 😮

[@rrivierareject03]

This. So much this. 38 years is enough.

[@daetros1626]

I have noticed that people often don't listen to what is being said. They listen only long enough to feel confident making an assumption and then they react/respond to their assumption. It's so confusing and frustrating because I try to choose my words very carefully too.

[@SimplyTurtle]

Well Stated.

[@t.a.4356]

Isnt that what they should be doing about you? Instead of you playing the fool so freely, I mean.

[@SimplyTurtle]

​@@t.a.4356 We all fall short at times with not listening long enough, however, I also know that there are many times that people who do not have ADHD, Autism, Etc. may miss the point in which one may be trying to make for the way we words statements may not make sense to them. Yet, that does not mean one who is Autistic, ADHD, Etc. cannot have conversations with those without such DSM5 diagnostics.

[@erockdanger]

"I'm going out of my way to explain myself and conform to you and I'm still a problem!?" My heart - I dont know if I've ever felt so seen

[@BeautyMarkRush]

That thought literally crossed my mind a few days ago during a "misunderstanding" (that evolved into an argument) in a group. After that, I just decided to leave the group.

[@Dubmaster3]

This is what I never understood about kids that bullied me in school. I'd act like them and do the same things they were into, I'd get bullied anyway, just like when I did my own thing. It made no sense. I changed what they picked on me for, and I still got their shit anyway. I learned the issue isn't me, but everyone else.

[@bobsaggater3454]

@@BeautyMarkRush when you explain that you were joking about something and not being literal, and then they tell you that you're not owning your shit, and to admit that you were wrong

[@BeautyMarkRush]

@@bobsaggater3454 yea, that's not what happened back then, but I can remember at least a dozen of times a joke "went wrong" like that, so I understand exactly where you're coming from. Actually, that's the reason why I've started to try to force myself to stop joking with people I don't know/trust. Even with those people, I still ask myself if they'll get the joke or not.

[@dhesyca4471]

"Communication trauma from being misunderstood." I feel this so deeply. Thank you.

[@jelatinosa]

This puts into eloquent words what I've been trying to explain to my husband. I tell him I feel like I can't even say anything because anything I say is another chance to be misunderstood or to be contradicted.

[@Mybawws]

​@@jelatinosa it makes it even more difficult when that person is likely trying to sabotage and willfully misunderstand you anyway. Whether they are or aren't doesn't matter to them, if you call them out, its more cannon fodder.

[@bunnyboo6295]

@@jelatinosa LOL even trying to say thank you to certain people will make them yell accuse you of starting a problem. Like one guy I was trying to see good in that I felt was being rude towards me but others were telling me I was not seeing the little things so tried to find any small thing to be thankful for even if it was a far stretch you can't win if people chose to misunderstand you. There are people out there that if you come off awkward that will remain polite and try to understand.

[@alaindominique1]

Thank you so much for explaining so clearly how I feel😅

[@lisawhitehall1870]

❤

[@vagabondsentinel]

I've had people call me "condescending" because I overexplain as a result of constant communication issues. I experience a lot of the things you've described here, and overexplaining was my solution, and that just created new problems. It's so frustrating and distressing. Thank you for this.

[@d-meth]

Yes!

[@bethanydonovan7110]

I have also gotten the "condescending" label for the SAME reason!! UGH! I feel you!!

[@StephanieDefinitely]

Same. Drives me up the wall. I just want to make myself understood. 🫠

[@deannaabeyta1855]

FELT

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

Right! I can’t help it if you, an English speaker using the same dialect as me, can’t understand me when I speak in the absolutely plain colloquial English we all speak who were raised here. Not even proper academic language can get someone to understand when they don’t want to. I’ve been called condescending so much I’m just like, “maybe so…it seems that most people are idiots so…” and the their nasty looks are for a reason instead of being based on their own assumptions about me. 😹

[@pumellhorne]

Something I heard recently that made so much sense - "allistic people hear explanations as excuses". So yes it does make them angrier. They think we're not taking responsibility for our rudeness; when, in fact, we're not responsible for it any more or less than they are

[@jnewgot]

Welcome to regular shit. So, your behavior that caused the incident isn't to blame? Weird.

[@Thalanox]

​@@jnewgotCorrect. It is the bizzare and impossible to predict nonsensical interpretations of the initial behaviour that are the problem. Once, there was peace and pleasant communication. Then, there was hatred and anger in response to goodwill and friendship. Who introduced evil to this world?

[@jnewgot]

@@Thalanox Women.

[@SMASHxREWIND]

I've lost jobs over this exact thing

[@356Krisu]

What annoys me the most is they ask a question, you start explaining and they cut you off midsentence with some petty insult or 'youre making excuses'. Why even ask if they dont want to listen

[@smig2801]

This hits waaaaay close to home. My biggest trauma is when people misunderstood me completely and didn't tell anything, only for me to find out years later because someone else told me.

[@sarahmeyers1773]

Yes. I hate that. ❤

[@aaacomp1]

Yep, I hear so much about myself from other people that I don't even know who I am anymore. Am i this senstive person who's trying to look out for everyone else or am I really this monster that everyone says I am behind my back. It's very confusing.

[@iamsuperlious]

I have a hard time because I either don’t laugh at jokes, even when I find them funny, I just don’t see the need to verbally laugh. OR I end up laughing at inappropriate times.

[@morgaanfoley]

Oh my gosh this is so me!!! I’m glad I’m not the only one

[@ixrk]

I tend to lightly laugh at every joke without thinking just so the person speaking feels validated and accepted, but because of that I often validate the absolutely wrong type of jokes ☠️

[@kuibeiguahua]

I know a girl who is sooooooo incredibly funny but all that comes out when she makes an incredibly fast repartee (we talking Robin Williams level of fast and funny) all that comes out of me is “hehe” but I laugh about it for weeks to come lol

[@VindensSaga]

It is even more awkward when you realise it was a joke you were supposed to laugh.

[@nat3199]

adhd but similar problem, like i can't laugh out loud if my brain is in another place while someone is being funny i still respond to what they're saying as if it's serious.... then they'll explain it was a joke and I'm like "yes, I know, (but anyways)..."

[@lynn_thinks]

Hi Morgan, a bit of advice from a ‘much’ older neurodivergent auntie… If you can, get involved in things that let you interact with people from outside your normal circle - different age groups, different interests, different nationalities, different first languages, classes learning something new with other newbies. Those are circumstances in which everyone has to do a little ‘translating’ for clear communication anyway and it requires everyone to exert effort for clarity and relationship. Relationships I’ve made in those circumstances have been the most rich and long-lasting of my life.

[@user-vu6et8ru1z]

Interesting, I find that as a child I always felt more comfortable with adults than other children even if the adults didn't know what to do with that. Also I find that I tend to get on with foreigners more, I think because they already have to translate?

[@lorilimper5429]

This is so true and such good advice! I always struggled with communication with extroverts in my groups at work. When we began working with offshore consultants I often found myself just naturally slipping into the role of "translator". For one, I had very little trouble with understanding different accents. I feel like it's just a matter of having the patience to listen? I also seemed to have a knack for rephrasing something and then asking the speaker if they could elaborate. Many of the offshore folks could do the same for me. I guess it's all related to having been so easily misunderstood all my life.

[@lorilimper5429]

​@@user-vu6et8ru1zyes!!!! I just posted similar comments below. And throughout my adult life, I've always had more of a natural rapport with people at least 10 years older than me.

[@ioannafardella3717]

​@@lorilimper5429if it was just about "patience to listen" things would be different. For a no ND person it takes huge amount of energy to communicate w a ND person - who explains. Theory of mind plus emotional empath aren t just automatic actions. It s mechanisms who require so much energy that humans don t have it. They ll burn out ultimately. Or it s what happened to me idk if i m some unique case. I could be a friend w a ND person & it was one of the most fullfiling -real friendships i had. But that s bcs most ppl nowdays are narcissistic= superficial, don t care to invest time/energy to know anyone (w same brain wiring that things are easier). If we were romantically involved i would just had run out of energy, i d had end up w health issues. I m 40yo & i dealt w so different ppl all my life (my parents PD so it took me years to realise my normal. & i m sick as i didn t search to fullfill my emotional needs (w ppl who perceive them in my way). If u want to express yourselves i understand it. But egoentricity bcs it s autism & the rest that follow, the bubble & continuing to live inside isn t helpful. Ppl are good+bad & societies define the values w whom ppl live. & the last century is "The cetury of the self". Check if u want Fromm s "Sane society". I mean what you face isn t a NT thing but sick s NT. (& i m not NT i just value the objective truth)

[@Micahangelina_]

❤ so true! I’ve lived overseas for a decade now n I credit this life change to opening me up to understanding myself better and ultimately discovering I’m not bad or broken. I’m autistic.

[@ElliSuiii]

My husband is autistic. You really are helping my husband, by teaching me how you see the worldly things so I can better wife for him, thank you❤

[@MattB8030]

God bless you, we need more understanding people that care like you.

[@bobsaggater3454]

you're awesome

[@randywoodman4515]

I am a 53 year old guy. This video blew my mind. You are describing my life. I have wasted so much energy wondering why people are so put off with my conversation. I can and have easily blamed myself and have been deeply depressed (inside) for years and have asked for help but seemingly there's no help to be had. Nobody seems to even want to understand. Your video has made my day a little brighter, thank you. ❤😊

[@mickiofthemountains]

As a 57 yr old Audhd woman. I have often had the same thoughts. Alistics, often come to a conversation expecting something else behind our words , or behaviors.... Expecting motives. The fact that we are honest and blunt, we say exactly what we mean, confuses them. They try to figure out what we "really" mean.... When we just told them. Their indirect communication style is the issue.

[@AngryTenko]

Kinda feel like key are the ones who are always deceptive or duplicitous and don't know how to communicate in a straightforward manner. Maybe they should learn from us and start communicating like civilized people. 😆

[@mickiofthemountains]

@@AngryTenko Absolutely!

[@kathrine266]

@@AngryTenko yes, I had friends before. lots of them, but in the end I felt everybody was some kind of psychopath and then I understood it was me, I don't understand why it is ok to say one thing but meant something else.

[@sircharlesmormont9300]

I am undiagnosed and so not sure if I'm autistic, but this issue of decoding others' hidden meanings is absolutely representative of my lived experience. I can't tell you how many times I'll have a conversation with my mother about a family event and she has made up five different stories about what a certain person "meant" (but didn't say). She'll get all worked up. It's like we went to a different party. I have never understood why people don't just say what they mean. Half the time, people get offended because of something I didn't even say! "But you meant X," they'll say. "Did I say X?" I'll ask. "No," they'll admit. "If I said Y, I meant Y, not X." Honestly, what even is this? Why is everyone speaking in code all the time? Why say one thing when you mean another? I don't get it at all.

[@Oysters176]

@@sircharlesmormont9300 The explanation is within Game Theory and Economics. There could be other fields. If you let everyone else know everything about you, you enter their mind, they can control you. You obey them. Talking is a form of submission. If you like show X, then they create a spinoff, you'd dislike it at first, but you know you'd like it eventually, that's psychological economics. This is why Stoicism and Taoism is so important.

[@ashleyredsheep]

The over-expressive and under-expressive autism point was so interesting to me. I feel like I had the opposite problem. Unless I'm tired or spacing out, I'm incredibly expressive and animated to the point where it would get me snickers. I always felt like I had to 'tone myself down' and seem more stoic so people could see that I'm also a dignified intellectual who they can't easily get a rise out of. God, accurate self-portrayal is HARD.

[@commanderwaddles3483]

That sucks, you should be able to be your jolly self! I hope you get to be in an environment where you don't have to do that!

[@RTCPhotoWork]

Same

[@audreydoyle5268]

Just like Elyse Myers said "if I'm too much for you, go find less. Go find less,".

[@AdellaWright]

This is me. I'm a bunch of extremes. I'm super super expressive and it's just *a lot* for people so I tend to feel like I'm constantly muted and filtered

[@STRcircaFKR]

I have this problem so bad even when alone sometimes I need the devil's lettuce to fully unmask. It's like I have an excuse now to be my full self. My "filter" is off. It's not a filter darling it is my mask that is suffocating me!! Even when I am alone this fucking internalized ableism is still haunting me. The irony is that I feel like I have such a fool/joker personality that the real me looks like performance but really it is the quiet me that is the most grueling exhausting depressing performance ever

[@marionhills8031]

i remember having a meltdown in front of my best friends because i felt like no matter what I said or how much I tried to communicate my thoughts and feelings to them, I still felt like I just couldn’t put my thoughts perfectly to words, and that I was failing to explain myself every single time. I will never forget the relief I felt when they said they understood that I was hurting from this and they wanted to understand me, and they would be patient with me. It definitely payed off being vulnerable in that moment, because I was terrified I would be too much. I’m pretty sure we’re all neurodivergent and thats why they could see I wasn’t trying to be manipulative, I was screaming for someone to understand me. I hope everyone can find friends like this. It look a lot of pain and heartache, sometimes its really hard to put your true thoughts out there, but with the right people its worth it. I’m hoping this can provide some hope of feeling understood by others.

[@keylanka940]

"Screaming for someone to understand me"... this has been my whole life. You're not alone, but I'm sorry you've had to deal with this too. It's exhausting and hard and stupid. Keep fighting, remember you're worth being understood.

[@internetname6210]

They must have also been on the spectrum or ND for sure, Neurotypical people really just don’t clarify things that way or know the experiences we have.

[@tetrasphere8165]

Giving someone a compliment and they hear something beyond rude and don't tell you for a week. Also imagine being both and having a constant internal conflict. My diagnosis keeps changing every visit lol

[@user-lq9mw1sb8d]

It must be women who are being to her. I assure you any guy that is approached and talked to by a pretty women like this, is not being rude to her.

[@pickyyeeter]

​@@user-lq9mw1sb8dAre you implying that men aren't rude to women who they find attractive? Because there is quite a bit of evidence to the contrary.

[@user-lq9mw1sb8d]

@pickyyeeter I'm implying if she walks up to a man and talks to him. And that man happens to find her attractive. He very likely won't be rude to her.

[@user-kq1nk2zu1q]

Thank you! My son is dating a young woman who I suspect is autistic. She is lovely but misses social cues and has therefore attracted some criticism from other relatives (which I have found rude). You have helped me understand some things I can do to help her feel welcome and accepted. You are absolutely a beautiful person worth knowing!

[@matthewdemarey4762]

Something I can say from personal experience is literally just ask questions if you're ever unsure. As long as you're genuine and actually are willing to hear them out on something, no matter how "rude" it may seem at first glance, it's highly unlikely it will come across as offensive. I think I can confidently speak for most of us in saying all we want is for people to *try* and understand, as well as to not judge us for the things we can't control about ourselves. That alone can honestly be incredibly healing. More than likely we know that it's just as difficult for you to understand us as it is for us to understand you, so simply hearing a genuine question can show us that you're actually trying instead of just judging. We don't need you to understand us 1 for 1, just knowing you're trying is usually enough, because we're trying too. ...Also to clarify...I use "us" and "them" extremely loosely here. I'm simplifying so it's easier to understand what I'm saying, not in an attempt to turn this into "Us vs Them" as that's not productive.

[@poiwytlee]

Thank you for being so accepting... I have so much trauma from the moms in your situation not making these efforts. 💚🫶

[@keruboamoro]

So much beauty is missed by the rigidity of typical society. I'm actually a happy person. But I guess they may never know. Thanks for your flexibility. May their relationship be beautiful. All the best.

[@PommeLavande]

From a young woman who is terrified of judgement from my boyfriend’s family, thank you for being so understanding and willing to learn!

[@bunk95]

Autism is fictional.

[@dracofirex]

I'm a contradicting autistic, which is probably why I've gone sooooo long being undiagnosed. I can lack expression or have too much, I can be quiet or I can be too talkative. I can want to go out or want to stay in, I can like routine or abhor it, articulate or a mess at a loss for words. Order and chaos. I don't know how it works!!

[@CompanionBeans]

I'm autistic but I also have ADHD and they're constantly at odds with one another, so I feel this

[@STRcircaFKR]

​@@CompanionBeansI'm self diagnosed AuDHD and.... yeAH! My ADHD self overstimulates my autistic self and I believe this is why we get so LOST in the mental health care system. It can look like bipolar. You're hyper focusing and getting LOADS done then you burn out... It can look like BPD because the ADHD makes emotions very hard to control and being misunderstood is just so heartbreaking when you find someone who you believe is the only person who will put up with you they can look like a "favorite person" I wonder how many of us are still just... lost. I'm lost but at least I have a map I'm learning to read. I guess we just have to keep spreading the word like the religious!!!

[@CompanionBeans]

@@STRcircaFKR yes exactly!!! ugh it's so frustrating sometimes

[@lunamoth7044]

I'm autistic and have ADHD, and I'm pretty much the same way.

[@dreamscape405]

Me too❤

[@jonahshriver1682]

I have given up on trying to explain myself to to world. I live my life according to my own whims, and i don't let anyone bully me into conforming to their standards. It gets absolutely exhausting. Taking this stance has given me so much inner peace.

[@AndreaCrisp]

I am 48 and suspect autism. I identify with so much of your experience. Even majored in sociology. I totally want to be your friend! Thank you for sharing your experience and with such authenticity.

[@Emeraldstardust444]

The part when you mentioned how you don’t “look” friendly or just seem rude and snobby because the lack of facial expression…I get it. I’ve been told that I have RBF and my own mother even said that because I’m too quiet or refuse to talk to people I barely know makes me seem “snobby” or “rude”. We have to conform to a neurotypical society while putting in tons more effort to appear “normal”. It’s never about being “authentically yourself” it’s about making people comfortable with you because we’re the “problem”. I finally feel seen and understood. Thank you ❤

[@stealthis]

The people who harp on about being yourself and that nobody is ugly, those are red flags. What they really mean is that they will be themselves and they are not ugly. Play frame it outwards when they don't actually intend it, it's like reverse projection.

[@Iquey]

Definitely! I'm not snobby or rude most of the time. I don't have a reason to be. That said I also usually don't have a reason to talk to people randomly unless it's just a way to genuinely check how others around me are doing. If someone sends fine or alright, I don't feel the need to bother them! 😂

[@buggjohnson1648]

I came here to tell the story of a girl who I had a college class with who told me "You know, when I first met you , you looked like you would be really mean, but now that I've been around you, you're really sweet." 😂 Girl really just told me I have resting b■tch face, lol. After that I thought back, and knowing that's how I was perceived made a lot of things make sense that didn't in the past. I wish somebody would have just freakin told me I had RBF, I had to be in f■cking college before I even knew! Anyway, I see you already had described a situation about RBF, so it's apparently pretty common.

[@MrLeethium]

Man that's tough, people tell me i come off as passive-agressive, while i changed my behavior because they told me before i was "aggresive-agressive". I don't mean to, i'm just trying to tell the truth.

[@mellowthm566]

I've been told again and again people find me "intimidating" or aloof. But half the time I'm masking sensory shit or compartmentalizing. Also recently realized that it's a social norm to infer based on what is not being said and I don't do that well.... At all. Proof positive i can do but proof negative immediately feels like projection and I discard it unless I'm reading media instead of people. But then people make snap judgements based on that inference. But I'm just like wait how do you do that and account for assumptions and uncertainty factors?... They don't....😮 The fact that this communication works at all is a mystery but the fact that I keep being asked what i really mean indicates I'm the outlier.🙃

[@larajohnson8656]

I tried the precise articulation to avoid being misunderstood that you are describing. The people listening to me had never heard that sophisticated vocabulary before. They looked words up in a dictionary after I left, and told me about it later. They concluded that I was deliberately showing off how literate I am and deliberately trying to make them feel stupid. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I learned that when someone has decided to not like you, they will invent more reasons not to like you. It’s best to get as far away from them as possible and go find other people; someday, you’ll get lucky and find your people. Keep looking.

[@Senfree]

My whole family has a high vocabulary, so I grew up around bigger words, and I sometimes forget what the small word for what I'm saying is.

[@melissabennett6571]

This same thing happened to me! Only in my case she started crying in front of me. She never did believe that I wasn’t making her feel dumb on purpose. I use limit vocabulary now. The plus side, is I’m really good at explaining complex topics to kids.

[@breadfan_85]

Lol I've been accused many times of showing off and "using big words", but I'm literally just trying to communicate as effectively as possible. A lot of times I'm like, "THAT'S a big word? I learned that in 3rd grade.. and so did you."

[@IamCree]

​@beadfan_85 yeeesss

[@wintermatherne2524]

When they try that big word bs on me, I just let them know that I speak that way because I think that way and that I shouldn’t have to dumb myself down for the benefit of illiterates. They are attempting to be dismissive and I don’t let the get away with it. Good thing for me I don’t have to be popular 🤣🤣🤣.

[@postemacgaming]

I feel this so much. I've wasted years of my life thinking back on previous encounters where I was misunderstood, or neglected, and thought that if I could have just said the right words it would be alright. The most important thing I learnt in therapy is that you cannot control what other people think and how they react. I saw the truth in that and just stopped caring about what others think. I am much happier overall, and don't have to waste my energy and happiness on pretending to fit in. Who cares if people don't like me? That's on them for not trying to see beyond appearances.

[@internetname6210]

Yea! Its entirely out of your control, if they’re going to be like that to you, they’re going to be like that to you no matter what. Best to leave ppl who refuse to work with you.

[@Morgenstern11133]

Having difficult to communicate makes me isolate myself out of frustration, and isolating myself makes me depressed

[@IsabelaisCRINGE]

Honestly I wish I could tell people to knowledge that im autistic and they're not supposed to expect me to be the opposite I am, so I really love how you talk about it :)

[@morgaanfoley]

🥰🥰

[@nbmoleminer5051]

I do exactly that I greatly and resent resent when any neurotypical who does and I tell them as much.

[@MsTachke]

@ IsabelaYupe me too

[@LilChuunosuke]

Yes! So many instances in my life where people are like "why do you do this? Why do you act like that? Why do you talk this way?" I wish I could just say I'm autistic and have them actually understand and accomodate me properly. Instead, I'm lucky if they just continue on treating me exactly the same with no effort to accomodate me or educate themselves.

[@Waldemar_la_Tendresse]

Good idea for a custom T-Shirt!

[@a1n9e8t4a]

I'm a high school teacher, I teach English as a foreign language. I love your channel and watch every one of your videos to educate myself about neurodiversity. I want to be able to understand my students, who maybe don't realise they are autistic, I'm trying to assume competence and not judge them because you make me realise that they may struggle a lot. I've gone through a lot of literature but nothing gave me more understanding than videos like yours, explaining "from the inside". Keep doing this great work. ❤😊

[@justarandomperson2786]

That's very kind of you to look out for your students! Im certain that if you do have any ND students, they surely appreciate the effort your putting in lots because I would!

[@carriemartin7727]

I wish i (and my kids) had teachers like you

[@eshbena]

As an Autistic parent, I found myself explaining Autism to the Special Education teachers, because they didn't know anything about Autism! Having to translate myself and my child into terms they could grasp was exhausting.

[@ilmioaccount-ce3gh]

That's really good from you. There are really some mean teachers out there that do the opposite, it's like if they enjoy to traumatize kids and teens with words. You can make the difference.

[@ancienttextmodernscribe2840]

I guarantee that your efforts are very much appreciated by more students than you know.

[@JSmusiqalthinka]

Just now realizing in my 30's why I developed social anxiety after a lifetime of miscommunications and social punishments for faux pas, real and imagined. 🙃

[@wordlance]

Holy cow!! How have I lived all my life without knowing I'm autistic?!? My entire life I haven't understood people and in 15 minutes you outlined (quite succinctly I might add) about 90% of the problem. I've always been blunt whenever talking to people and prefer absolute honesty to 'linguistic subterfuge' and you've managed to clearly identify the difficulties -- particularly the double standard and my resultant communication trauma -- that have plagued me practically since birth. I don't know what to do with this information just yet (knowing the problem doesn't exactly provide a roadmap to fixing it, especially since most of the issue is other people) but I will definitely discuss this with my counselor. Thank you so much for this epiphany!

[@autumn5852]

2:11 ~ after more than 50 years, I’ve had to finally pull away from my family, including my son, because I was making myself miserable, terribly sad and suicidal because I realised I was putting all the effort into trying to establish more honest relationships with my family, post late diagnosis, and they were putting in zero effort - despite them saying that if I want people to care about me I have to make an effort! It’s sad, but I’m done. But the great thing is, since I made this decision a couple of weeks ago, I’m getting jobs done that I’ve been wanting to do for years and it’s like my life is finally slowly coming together naturally. I was clearly using all my energy to try and get my family to care about me.

[@AlexisTwoLastNames]

we’ll be your family! the online community of caring folk here ❤ i get it tho, that you may not wanna hear that. i admire your strength to make the choice to put yourself first in a truly impactful way.

[@Roswell33]

Well done! :) I am working on doing the same, I grew up in a narcissistic family system with extreme abuse, yet the child in me can't just cut them off. It helps to hear that others have done it, it gives me strength, so thank you!

[@autumn5852]

@@AlexisTwoLastNames thank you 💞 it’s actually really good to hear 💓 I’m still in the ‘going through it’ stage, but I keep acknowledging that despite how low I might be feeling, I’m eating and drinking and on some days getting jobs done in the house and I’ve started a couple of on-line study courses, so I must want to stay alive and slowly but surely I’m seeing little glimmers of hope, so I think I’m just processing the emotions etc and that soon I’ll start to build a life where I can be me and that I’ll be happier than I’ve ever been.

[@AlexisTwoLastNames]

@@autumn5852 i’m glad to hear that. you may be a stranger, but i care for you and hope each day is brighter and more in tune with you and your wants and needs. i’ll make sure i do something great for myself today. have a fabulous day!

[@autumn5852]

@@Roswell33 it’s not easy and this is my second or third attempt, it might be more. But this time is different. This time I’m done with trying to get them to care for me and to interact with me while respecting me etc. I know my family aren’t narcissists but there are definitely a lot of behaviours that are like that, which is probably why I ended up in relationships with narcissists. I take a lot of time to process emotions and I think that’s what I’m doing now. So even though my life might not look like I want it to look just yet, I’m still glad I made this decision and I honestly belief I’m going to grow in strength and confidence from it. It just takes time. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on people leaving cults and high demand religions, and it has really helped me to understand my emotions and difficulties with leaving the family behind. Best of luck to you and much love and I truly believe we will be a thousand times happier than holding on to something that doesn’t really exist. I already am happier. XXX

[@Ziphon]

I've been conforming so hard since such a young age that now I'm too hyperfocused and attuned to facial expressions, the emotions of others, and actively acting upon my empathetic reads. I spend so much energy constantly worrying about how everyone else is doing and what I need to do to make things easier for them that I never take care of myself.

[@azzaabdulmalik2250]

Same

[@bluehornet197]

I used to be like that until I stopped caring I can't figure out social cues and don't understand them but only some of the time I am the way I am and if someone has an issue with that then that's on them I can't control how someone else is going to be only how I react in a situation social cues are hard to grasp so I often tell people when I meet them that I don't understand them and if they have an issue with me or anything I say then they can tell me so I can work on the problematic behaviour and I can apologise otherwise I won't know that I've done something wrong

[@jessn.3851]

I agree with bluehornet, you have to put yourself first. Focus on whether other people make you happy or if you like them. If not, don't keep them around! They will drain you and you will never make them happy because they don't want to understand. That would take too much effort. If someone isn't putting in the effort, I won't either. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it's the minimum for self care and happiness.

[@AndreaCrisp]

OP, I totally identify. I spent my entire life trying to unlearn this. Even going as far as counseling psychology for grad school. My empathy is my superpower and my greatest downfall. Only now figuring out that I am likely autistic at 48. I also have MS, in large part, because I didn’t get it all figured out in time to create the meaningful change and boundaries necessary, even though I have literally been actively working on it since I was 12. So I totally understand if it’s become your mask and hyper focus. Getting in therapy as she states is a key way to learn more and help not only better understand, but help create a safe place for change. Best wishes. Other comments here are not helpful. We don’t need to be shaming each other. Great that you’ve learned to do something different. Surviving, figuring it out and unmasking is all really hard work.

[@clicheguevara5282]

Me too. In my version of autism, I don’t have trouble seeing social cues and body language. I see too much of it and it’s overwhelming. I pick up on every little micro detail and I can see people processing what I’m saying as I say it. It’s like being on the phone when there’s a slight echo and you hear yourself talking. 😂

[@coletteweipert4126]

Morgan explains perfectly my struggles with communication. My loving husband used to get so upset as I explained in detail what I was thinking and trying to get him to understand. Which triggered him that I was criticizing him or treating him like he was stupid. After my autism diagnosis at 59 years old, he is much more understanding. Now, when the communication is not clear we call it my "tism" . 62 now and learning everyday. Ive been in therapy off and on most of my life because I was manipulated easily as a child. So much shame in my life emotionally crippled me. I am a survivor of childhood sex abuse, sober for the past 5 years. The journey just keeps getting better now. Thanks again Morgan! You are a beautiful person.

[@LifesGood22]

You have put into words what I have been searching for. For decades, I have lived a nightmare. Today, you made a massive difference in my life and my healing journey 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@MDWLRK7]

When people ask me why I over-explain myself…lol. This. This is why. Thank you, Morgan!

[@giuarmours]

I think the main error of us autists is to assume people want to understand us. Sometimes, I learned, people have no interest in that. Not only that, sometimes they rather understand us in the wrong way on purpose. Crazy, I know. Makes no sense. But that's the neurotypical world for us...

[@terriem3922]

I know. It's weird.

[@horvathbenedek3596]

"Oh, no, woe is me, people don't want to understand how quirky I am" Yeah, nobody cares. "Normal" people don't care about each other other either. Nobody does. I don't need to know your struggles for a 10 second interaction at the workplace. Learn the rules of communication, stay in your lane, and that's it. Seriously, why would I want to know about your mental defect? Why would I care? Is my life going to be better because of it? Do you care about my struggles? No. Autistic people are some of the most selfish people I had the misfortune of meeting. So why would I care about your life story, if you don'z care about anyone else's?

[@JA-im9xs]

Fr. They think ADHD and autism are some "main character" vibes, when we're literally just asking for help and trying our best and working to hope to communicate with each other better and keep peace, but "some" ( not all ) just "some" neurotypical people always want to make up problems that are not there and then get salty when we, the neurodivergents, have real struggle problems. Like??? Huh ??? Why would ANYONE want to seek problems ?? I think they have too much free time in their hands, to the point they get bored and then proceed to seek problems that AREN'T even there in the first place, and then proceed to throw hissy fits when Neurotypicals or other disability people are dealing with an ACTUAL MENTAL DISABILITY and an ACTUAL HEALTH PROBLEM ISSUE. And then they called people who deal with real disabilities "attention seekers," like.....the irony and arragont is so far inside their a$$ to the point that is kind of hilarious.

[@michelleventura9174]

This is exactly the story of my life. That’s why I am a recluse. I don’t like it. However, it gives me peace of mind. Simple tasks like grocery shopping is overwhelming for me. I have reached a point that people are simply going to hate me for no reason. So I live with it.

[@johnsmoak8237]

Recently told my dad I was considering that I might be autistic or close to, and the response was, in a word, "no." Addition: point being, thanks for being autistic and still doing outreach. Mission work isn't done for the good of the religious, it's done for the good. Idk if that makes sense, but I grew up Christian so that's how I conceptualize things.

[@jelatinosa]

Man, can I relate. It hurts the most when it comes from my mom and my husband, because they're the people I love the most. It annoys me when it's other people, but mostly I don't care anymore. I don't really care if I don't have friends. Anyway, I picked my mom up from the airport one day and during the whole ride I tried to please my mom, asking her how was her travel, if she wanted me to put on music or stop for some food. She barely spoke to me the whole ride. I just assumed she was tired, and honestly, I didn't mind. I felt peaceful and content the whole 3 hour ride just to be close to my mom. Later she tells my family that I was so angry about having to pick her up, she was afraid to talk to me during the whole ride. I was flabbergasted! I had no idea what made her believe that! She said it was because I looked angry. So, my eyes are small and very sensitive to light and I tend to squint and lower my brows against the sun. Also I have large lips that were always the subject of criticism in my family, a common expression towards me was, "Siempre con la trompa pará" which basically means "always pouting" in spanish, implying I was angry or annoyed or being rude, when I really wasn't. I've spoken to her about this, yet she still judges me by my face and features I can't control. The whole time she really thought I was angry or upset and she was "afraid" to talk to me? That really hurt. Another example, I recently complained about a carton of icecream I bought, because it was supposed to be cookies and cream, but most of it was pure "cream" with no cookies. Somehow, my husband took it as an attack on him and got all defensive and, a bit of an 🫏 to be honest. I still don't understand how in the world he could have interpreted that as an attack on him and not the ice cream company and he never explained how. I'm still a bit mad at him for that one.

[@Ann963]

Neurotypicals can be very quick to judge and quick to be defensive. Stay calm and repeat you are not angry, autism affects nerve development and it takes a lot of effort to change your face to look picture perfect all the time. Then repeat you are not angry and they need to figure out where it’s coming from, because it’s not your problem, it’s theirs.

[@kurehanzo]

I can relate so much to this. It happens quite a lot, l mean I would do or say something harmless and without any hidden meaning, sometimes just to try to start a conversation (being a quiet girl sometimes you get judged for this trait too) and people would just somehow take it either as me complaining or me being passive aggressive. I don't understand, really. Like you said, I don't care that much with strangers but when it's the people you love the most it can be very hurtful. For instance, I still remember having a humble street food dinner with my ex, it was basically a local dish of meatball soup. The meatballs we had were relatively smaller than average so I made a comment on that ("oh, the meatballs are small." I believe was what I said.) My heart was like 🥰 because I LOVE them smaller just like they were, but my face was like 😐, to be fair because i'm not great at making facial expressions to be honest. Somehow he thought I was complaining and mildly snapped and said "what did you expect??" like he was disgusted of me. I was in complete shock. I mean I was basically complimenting the food but what he understood from me was that I was complaining. It seemed like nothing but it really hurt at the time. And one part was because after all these years you still don't know I love smaller meatballs? gtfo 😅😂

[@CrystaliaHumphrey-qs6ct]

Omg my face never matches what's going on inside but ppl judge based on what they see ugh.

[@jelatinosa]

@@kurehanzo ugh yes! I often make benign comments, just observations or trying to start a conversation and people always assuming I'm complaining or being negative. I'm also pretty quiet and people think I'm standoffish or stuck up! I lose either way!

[@DeathnoteBB]

Honestly they both sound toxic!

[@Unbreakable245]

Yup. I would always have meltdowns because i felt misunderstood. I was desperate. I couldn't communicate what i needed

[@msmltvcktl]

I've had four this weekend. Three today bc I'm being bullied by other tenants in the building; they're trying to get me kicked out for being "different"

[@audreydoyle5268]

​@@msmltvcktl that's just straight up discrimination. I hope they stop tormenting you. You don't deserve what they're saying and doing. Take some time, if the other tenants haven't spoken to the landlord yet, and write a response explaining how ridiculous the other tenant's demands are. If not as a letter, but as an outline of what you need to get across to the landlord. May the Fates smile kindly on you in this time of desperation. And I hope you find the best strategies to help you regulate after these meltdowns ✌💖

[@IJustAnimateThatsTheJist]

I had them because I was constantly having my needs neglected no matter how much I communicated this to my family. They were the kind to tell me to "toughen up" and ignored my diagnosis so I left them/moved really far away with short notice. The literal second they realized that I could be independent and they couldn't just abuse me/force me to take said abuse meant the "I'm sorry"s and "I'm going to therapy and getting better"s started to fly. Because of the way I've been treated I actively avoid neurotypicals.

[@LilChuunosuke]

I have vivid memories of being a kid and trying desperately to explain to my teacher why I was upset, only for them to misunderstand me over and over and over again until I was in a full-blown sobbing meltdown. They often had to pull my brother out of class to see if he could translate what I was trying to say. I have trouble connecting to people and unmasking now because the second I start behaving and communicating authentically, I am misunderstood.

[@LilChuunosuke]

​@@IJustAnimateThatsTheJistyour story is almost exactly the same as mine except my parents refused to get me tested because im a girl. Even though looking back it could not have been any more obvious.

[@TheadoreGazda]

To all on her channel that is listening to her now you all rock in my heart love and peace ❤

[@zack_a11ack]

god this hits home. I’ve always been labeled as rude and disrespectful and clingy and dramatic and it’s so confusing because like how am I being rude if I’m not even aware I was doing something in the first place

[@swissarmyknight4306]

Diagnosed ADHD, possibly undiagnosed ASD. You make so much sense to me; like you're speaking my native language. The main reason I think I may have ASD is that I keep encountering diagnosed people and they make so much sense to me, whereas most other people are so goddamn confusing. Like the constant lying for "politeness" and projecting their bizarre thoughts and alien emotions onto me, stuff I don't and probably can't do. They think I'm trying to climb some kind of imaginary pecking order that I don't perceive and wouldn't care about even if I did (which seems to enrage people who do care about it). I was once accused of trying to poison people at a pot-luck, a situation of pure imagination that was immediately completely dis-proven, and I still couldn't tell you why (probably because I didn't make the right face or do the correct eye contact). No such thing happened, there was no poison, no one got sick, no evidence of any kind, no crimes were committed; it was a thing of pure imagination. I couldn't even imagine imagining such a thing. The baseless accusation of attempted murder (or whatever they were imagining) kind of psychologically broke me. I spent 30 years mutilating my outward persona and behavior to try to conform (hiding my rocking and pacing, forcing eye contact and facial expressions is excruciating and exhausting) and that's where it got me. The only people I talk to now turn out to be neurodivergent or have a friend group that is half neurodivergent. I'm as isolated as possible from unknown neurotypical people who aren't immediate family.

[@Emeraldstardust444]

Same boat and definitely relate!

[@noctoi]

@@Emeraldstardust444 Yup, I also went down the hypermobility to ADHD to ASD self diagnosis to official diagnosis pipeline. Wasn't diagnosed officially till my late 40's, but as soon as I got into a community with a lot of neurodivergent people in it, I realised that suddenly I understood and was BEING understood so much better than in mainstream company. It was a huge epiphany. Making peace with the conditions going un noticed and undiagnosed by so many health care providers and mental health workers and family is a work in progress, but at least I now KNOW why I always feel like an alien among humans.

[@vi0let831]

I'm also not diagnosed w ASD but STRONGLY suspect I have it, and SAME. For the life of me I cannot get ANYONE to understand me and they get so upset even though I'm trying to explain to them I just CAN'T communicate like them!!! I can't just force myself to talk in the same specific, confusing way average ppl do and it's so exhausting and lonely. I find myself relating more to diagnosed autistics than neurotypicals and I really want to get assessed so I can actually get taken seriously and not getting yelled at just bc I literally don't see things the same way as everyone else. Not even my own PARENTS understand that I just CAN'T THINK OR ACT LIKE THEM no matter how much I tell them!!

[@vieravrem6810]

Same, you really got me with that pecking order thing, I hate that, it’s so weird.

[@Dodomba]

haha i know this i can tell you they cant Imagine is the Problem... you took ritalin or Something for adad? ... i Imagine some people only exist in this ritalin overdose tunnel existance

[@wonderscall6486]

I personally think the honest straight forward fact driven communication is superior. The world would be a much better place with your communication style. I would be friends with you happily. I have never been able to relate with people you explained it so well. I do great with animals and kids everyone else is much like you describe. You are awesome.

[@dreamscape405]

Agreed!! ❤ I would Totally be friends with her too~ I'm late diagnosed, and have the same struggles. So, I decided to put out "antenna" for people like me, and it's working! We have a small group meetup tomorrow, and we're really EXCITED for it🎉 Sometimes we just have to make our own party🥂💃

[@stealthis]

Excessive nonverbal and non direct communication just seems immature like a child playing hard to get or not being emotionally mature enough to say what they think

[@marocat4749]

I am not saying that everything should nbe that way, but the world would be a better place if people learned to operade on that modus in crituical situations , or if htey really want to not be misunderstood. Why can t that be commonly taught.

[@retyroni]

Agreed. Especially in the workplace. I began really struggling at work in the last 10 years or so as the culture shifted to valuing feelings over facts - even to the point of punishing the "negativity" of reporting on super critical facts that are detrimental to the business. Thankfully facts were more important in the 20 years before that so I prospered and saved for retirement. I've left now and they can burn.

[@erinm9445]

I wish we could take superior/inferior out of it. Isn't that exactly what allistics have done to you your whole life? It's great to know which style you prefer and seek people out who have that style. But speaking as someone whose caught in the middle between allistic and autistic (ADHD, lots of autistic traits, but not actually autistic), and has had a really painful time trying to communicate both with allistics and with my lovely autistic ex, it's not about inferiority, it's just about a lot of people wanting to be understood, and not even understanding that they, in their turn, are misunderstanding those they want to be understood by as well. And I include myself in this by the way, misunderstanding while yearning to be understood, but I do keep working at it.

[@kiscrazyreptiles]

Omg this is so true. Im only a couple minutes in but i can't help but relate. I usually say things bluntly and how they are. Another comment also talked about how when there is a misunderstanding in the conversation because they think that you're upset or angry and you try to clarify to them that you were not they just assumed that your gaslighting them or trying to manipulate them. Just literally was a conversation I had the other night with somebody. They thought I was upset or angry when in reality I was just giving them facts about something that I've done a lot of research on. When I was trying to explain to them that I wasn't upset or angry, they told me that I can "fake being nice all I want".

[@valerius9751]

the reason they get angry when you say "but you never told me" is because as you said; they implied it several times, expecting you to pick up on it. the best thing you can do is telling them the truth early on - that you struggle to interpret verbal/nonverbal cues. then they'll hopefully be more straight forward in their communication

[@xamidi]

To me as an autistic person, your communication feels outstandingly great. I wish more people would communicate this clearly.

[@thanasisathanasi4965]

She makes us doubt if she is autistic.... She masks it perfectly I guess !

[@camlin4147]

I'm reminded of many communication incidents in my life. In particular, I'm reminded of a time when I spent 30-45 minutes (way longer than I should have) drafting a work email, trying to find just the right balance between detailed and concise. After I sent it, one of the recipients replied. It was clear that they'd only skimmed the email (which I expected and tried to account for in my draft) and that they had come away from it with COMPLETELY the wrong idea. This wasn't the first time I had difficulty communicating with this coworker. But no one else had any trouble understanding the email, so this definitely wasn't JUST me. I quietly seethed for days afterward, blown away by how careless some people can be with their communication, when any communication with anyone outside my close friends and family requires SO MUCH effort on my part. And, granted, maybe the coworker has their own developmental disability to deal with. But I'm also tired of being the only one (or so it feels) constantly monitoring myself to ensure that I don't make quick and harmful assumptions about others' experiences.

[@vuyombatha4744]

I can relate. There are people in my life who have misunderstood me, and as a result, I got communication trauma from that...

[@jessjohnson998]

I felt the one where people blow up and then get more mad when you say you didn't know in my soul. That happened to me so often I started checking what people meant or whether they were upset constantly. Which also annoyed them. I solved my problem by finding a neurodivergent social circle and it has been such an immense relief not to feel like every conversation is a minefield.

[@psi0nics956]

It's not often I watch a video where someone is just literally describing, word for word, my life experiences and trauma with communication. Wishing everyone the best who are dealing with all this daily.

[@dorianr4770]

ditto

[@IamCree]

THIS

[@wingers69]

This

[@internetname6210]

Due to neurotypicals being the majority, it is unfortunately a near universal experience for all autistic people as far as I see. Edit: I do believe if we were the majority it honestly would go the other way, with neurotypicals being traumatized and frustrated by not being understood for their tones, facial movements, and body language.

[@hiitsmoto]

Clicked this video as an allistic person, hoping to understand my autistic loved ones a little better. I see their challenges, I feel my own frustration and theirs when we try to communicate with each other, and want to be one of the people in their life who meets them half way. Everyone deserves to be understood. I feel like I understand a little better how masking plays such a huge role in an autistic person navigating an allistic world, and how so much extra daily effort is expended just for folks to “pass” in social settings. Thank you for your video!

[@adamwalker2377]

From what I'm seeing, it shouldn't be so difficult to understand. Why does it take so much work to communicate with basic data and facts?

[@hiitsmoto]

@@adamwalker2377 hmmm, I mean it's a good question! I think it's because not all conversations are fact-based, and there are a lot of so-called unspoken rules in every community and culture, about what to say, how to say it, who you can say it to etc. not everybody knows those rules, and some people know and ignore it, and it's not always obvious who is ignoring the rules, and who simply doesn't know. And all people have different sensitivities, some folks can identify without being explicitly told, others cannot, and not every person is comfortable with sharing their sensitivities. People are different, complex, and grew up around different cultures, such that even two allistic people have to work hard to understand each other. Heck, parents and children struggle to understand one another because all the data that goes unidentified. In the end, all relationships take effort, some more than others, but if you're willing to put the work in and be patient I think that's what matters. For me, Morgan's videos have given me information and tools to do better work to understand where my autistic friends and family come from :)

[@adamwalker2377]

@@hiitsmoto I'm not buying it. Listen to her voice. She's obviously not flippant about it, and yet she can't win. Something really unfair is going on here. The normal rules of fair play don't appear to be honored by the other side. If I were autistic, I'd be ready to say, "Screw it. I can't win, and I'm done playing your stupid game". How on earth can you exchange information without using...information? Why does the group that beats around the bush and lies get primacy?

[@hiitsmoto]

​​@@adamwalker2377 I'm afraid I don't have answers to those questions! I can only speculate from my experience, and how I understand the world and why these situations where our autistic loved ones may get misunderstood and treated unfairly as a result. I think we can only do our best to listen, to be kind and understanding to the people around us, and educate the way Morgan has here. You're kind-hearted for being frustrated on the behalf of folks like Morgan. I wish you all the best!

[@bluehornet197]

​@@hiitsmoto good on you for wanting to learn and understand how to better communicate that's a big step I know many alistic people who don't care to understand and want to hold their own noses high like they haven't done anything wrong when they are the ones being unclear this is why I have grown to be a very blunt direct person and extremely honest and open I have found this has created issues for some people but how I see it is that is their problem not mine honestly mate I congratulate you for wanting to learn keep it up my friend

[@RaeDuh]

Communication and unmasking are exhausting and scary and hurts, its a lot! You should give yourself some love for all the work you do!! Not everyone is gonna see that but by you seeing it and saying it truthfully like this to people, you can easier find others who really understand and align with you. Thank you for sharing, Morgan, let yourself be you, you're worth it!

[@tomwimmenhove4652]

I often do pick up on non-verbal 'hints', but an often unable to decode them, other than then being either negative or positive. Which, as you said, often results in the other person thumbing they've communicated something to me that completely went over my head. EDIT: I was diagnosed at 21 and I'm 42 now :)

[@Comicatt]

something i've learned recently is that i cannot continue to script the way i used to because if i write it down and the conversation doesnt go the exact way i'm expecting it to go it'll make me panic, so i just don't write it out. i sit and practice phrases i can say and conversation points i could use and how i'm going to use my tone, but i don't put the exact words in order this makes it very hard for me to do things like verbal presentations but it stops me from being so rigid the work you have to put into everything as an autistic is insane

[@commanderwaddles3483]

I handle my socializing in a very similar way! Also, the way the person/group I'm around phrases things or expresses themselves typically helps me find the words to express my thoughts (mirroring is a pretty good shot at not triggering them somehow lmao). I have no idea when I got alright at presentations, but I focus on they information of the presentation. And I make my slides very understandable for someone who has no context. That way, instead of memorizing a script per slide, I spent my time thinking through the project so much to the point that just seeing the charts & bullet points on the screen makes my mind start thinking about the information I'd been working with. Here comes the hard part: I think of the crowd watching me as students who are here to understand what I understand. So I have to use simple language and try explain in a simple, chronological order. Practicing presenting helps me catch myself where my explanation is getting too convoluted for a potential student, so I rearrange my slides and information until those slides trigger the information in my brain to come out in a conveniently ordered, simple, and "knowledgeable" manner. FUCK scripts bro, when I did scripts I couldn't even really "see" any of the slides I had prepared through my tremendous stress of sticking to a script and not messing up. The entire presentation I couldn't even remember the project.

[@victoryamartin9773]

I too plan out scenarios, but they never go as planned. Mostly, it happens after I've failed to give an accurate answer to a question, so I'll plan out how I'll answer that question the next time I'm asked, but sadly, it is never that same question again. It is a new question, and I fail again with a lame answer. I'm constantly kicking myself for being so retarded in short, surface conversations with new acquaintances. I have to tell myself just to go with the flow, even if it's lame, because neurotypicals don't really care what comes out of your mouth. They're just looking for a big smile, which validates their existence.

[@bryonyvaughn2427]

OMG, I so feel this. Not having boundaries respected because I'm not acting dramatic enough. Telling someone I'm angry about some injustice/harm they're perpetrating/enabling only for them to utterly disregard my words. Having someone beat around the bush, hint hint hinting at some problem, where it's obvious I'm missing a key piece of information but still refuse to tell me what the problem is. So frustrating! Honestly, this is why I so deeply prefer autistic dominant spaces. I can finally RELAX knowing my words will be taken at face value, my words won't constantly be misconstrued to represent something other than what I plainly said, and I can accept people's word as representing them rather than having to burn through so much bandwidth processing what all their different agendas might possibly be for saying what they're saying. The bandwidth relief alone makes it so much more comfortable being in autistic communication spaces.

[@crubip2976]

This video and these comments, especially yours, are so crazy to read because of how relatable they are. I've never been in many what you called autistic dominant spaces, but they do sound incredible especially after seeing just how much I have in common with a lot of other autistic people and they're not just problems with me

[@jessn.3851]

I've never been in an autistic space unfortunately. However I do put myself first and only keep people around who do not constantly exhaust me. I also prefer to live abroad, because as a foreigner I'm already considered weird and nobody is thinking about how I'm just a little off but they can't put their finger on why.

[@bryonyvaughn2427]

@@crubip2976 , I’ve only discovered autism shaped spaces while looking for other things. My children’s inclusive homeschool group that basically had all the people rejected from other groups (religion, sexuality/gender, mental illness, race, disability, etc) was very autism dominant. A lot of LGBTIQA groups are autism-skewed in leadership, and trans spaces are particularly autism dominant. Less authoritarian religious groups that people are far more likely to convert to than be born into tend to be comfortable spaces for autistic people. In my area that is mostly earth-centered religions. (Every Druid & pagan priestx I know are autistic.) There are reasons I won’t join but all the members I know of our local Mensa chapter are autistic. I don’t know any of the adult members but our local model railroading club was a very warm and welcoming environment for autistic kids in my life. Lots of internet, database, and platform companies in my area have autism dominant cultures. The atheist meetups in my area and in surrounding areas are autism dominant spaces. I think groups organized around special interests have a greater chance of having more autistic folks in them. True story: I’d be shocked if my oldest was treated for autism and not diagnosed autistic. No, I wouldn’t be shocked; I’d believe the clinician want skilled. lol Anyway, my oldest is a submariner. When he was in training, everyone kept assuming he was a nuclear engineer. My son was offended by this as he viewed the nukes as “social not-rights,” weirdos who were book smart with no people skills. He was incensed and didn’t understand why people would keep making this mistake. He was confident in his intelligence but couldn’t understand why, without him obviously displaying his intelligence, people would think he was a nuclear engineer. You know why, right? Everyone was picking up on the autistic vibe that resonated so strong among the nuclear engineers; they also picked up on that in my son who didn’t see that in himself. FWIW my son’s high school sweetheart was (and still is) autistic. One allistic girl pined over him for years and that became the occasional situationship that only ended in her end when my husband set her up with someone else (also autistic) who she ended up marrying. My son’s wife, his second real relationship, is also autistic. In my experience, autistic people just find each other, vibe, and clump together.

[@bryonyvaughn2427]

@@jessn.3851 , Paul MacAuliffe (?) who has the Autism From the Inside YT channel has a few videos where he talks about alien syndrome among autistic folks. He very much advocates autistic people go to spaces where they are the outsider for the reason you mention. Many missed cues are given grace for being from a different background and are either ignored without negative repercussions or explained. Some people are more likely to delight in an outsider’s differences than they would in the same differences in one of their own. That is one of the reasons Paul encourages international travel among autistic folks who can handle it. The nice thing is it’s a strategy that can be leveraged in more situations than transnational travel.

[@zacara8469]

Totally agree. The first time I ended up in a classroom with autistics I felt at peace, but also undeserving to be there.

[@m4rt_]

Back in 2022 I was trying to be encouraging to someone who were having a bad time... but my encouragement was misunderstood so they thought I was being rude... then I was forced to apologize for what I interpreted as being nice. I still think about that to this day, and because of it I have become even more cautious when trying to be encouraging.

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

When you ARE a teenager (and autistic), you’re misunderstood and everyone thinks it’s “oh you’re just a teenager.”

[@shellywernette4449]

The difficulty making facial expressions and modulating my tone (or having the wrong facial expressions I don't realize I have) is my biggest barrier as a teacher. I've had a student giving a talk stop and ask "what's that expression for?" but I legitimately thought I had a supportive "go on" expression.

[@spinyjunior8118]

The non-verbal communication part of this video is so relatable, especially when you talk about people suddenly blowing up because you're not getting what they're saying. This has happened a lot in previous relationships. One time in particular, my partner was suddenly really upset and walked away, then their friend started shouting at me, saying if I don't listen to them, I'm going to end up losing them. I still don't know what caused it, as far as I'm aware we were all having a nice evening, and my partner and I were having a normal conversation. I just remembered being confused because I had been listening to everything they were saying and responding, this was not the only time something like that happened, but it certainly was one of the most upsetting for me, it has upset me thinking about it. I know this might sound biased and exclusive, but one of the main things I now look for when trying to find someone to date and potentially get into a relationship with is if they're autistic, purely because I can communicate so much easier with other neurodivergent people and it rarely leads to negative experiences associated with miscommunication such as what I mentioned above. Thank you for your videos, they highlight a lot of experiences neurodivergent people go through and hopefully help us to be more understood.

[@pilotgav3975]

You just described my head almost purposely. I now sit at home and avoid people because I'm sick of the criticism and confusion.

[@Popupkid12]

I found out I have autism yesterday. I'm 30, but I'm a little confused because throughout my life I always thought of myself as having superpowers. I could hyperfocus and read a book in one night, I could visually put financial charts together better than everyone on my team and I never knew why. This made me incredibly successful, and apart from the extra work I had to put in to be socially acceptable, I largely thought I was gifted. It is a little disheartening to hear so many comments saying how their autism held them back. I always had a hard time communicating at work, so I would have notes with quick phrases, etc. No one ever really noticed anything, but I knew I was different. Autism especially visual objective thinkers like I think I might be have a crazy way of creating art and seeing perspectives than alistic people. Use it to your advantage -- people tend to overlook a little quirkiness if when you are imaginative.

[@TakodaHanna-ie3dn]

Yes I am always misunderstood. I will always try tell people things But they don't understand so they always misinterprete what I'm trying to say. I have lost so many friends😢 because I was always blunt and to them that's mean. Like they would ask me if the dress makes them look weird and I would say yes you do look weird. I was losing friends to just being truthful I didn't know she wanted me to lie. So I am so grateful for someone talking about these things on the internet.

[@morgaanfoley]

I relate to everything you said! its so infuriating and ur not alone

[@reneedittmer9625]

Man, I feel sorry for you. I'm autistic and I don't think I had friends who asked me things like those cause when I did have friends I was very little. But like, why can't people be more specific about what they mean? Obviously if your asking my opinion I'm going to give my opinion. That's what little me probably would have said lol. I have somewhat of a filter, so I know when to be truthful and when to not be truthful. Although, it's kind of hard for me to be truthful when it either offends people or people don't get it. Personally, I think if someone asked me that question I would say "Don't ask me MY opinion, if you like how it looks on you then go ahead and wear it. You don't need everyone's opinion on what something looks like on you cause as long as you like it that's all that matters to me." I'm also always misunderstood. I hope one day I can find at least a few close friends and that I'm not so lonely in the future.

[@TakodaHanna-ie3dn]

@@morgaanfoley thank you

[@TakodaHanna-ie3dn]

@@reneedittmer9625 I totally agree

[@RobinPrince1]

If they wanted you to lie, then they weren’t your friends to begin with. Their lose not yours. If you need someone to tell you lies all your life then maybe you have insecurities you need to deal with. Better for you that you don’t have to deal with it. Just my opinion. Also that’s called walking on eggshells. Those are not friends those are demons.

[@wihmsikat]

The trauma that comes out of being misunderstood is so exhausting, thank you for talking about this topic

[@24shineon]

1:39 oh, oh that’s a lot different than how I thought I was communicating I didn’t realize that was considered talking “at” people

[@AM-sw9di]

Sometimes when I'm around another autistic person, I'm so used to NT communication that I interpret them as disliking me, or passive aggressive. Recently I met an autistic girl who was a friend of a friend, until she admitted her autism I thought she hated me right off the bat, but as i was around her I noticed she did the exact same things I did. It made me realise why people thought those things about me. I didn't really know how to talk to her despite being autistic myself, and I find often that communicating with other autistic women is really hard especially when we're in a group of people and trying to mask, or just trying not to say or do anything offensive. I sometimes try to communicate with them in an autistic way, but I don't get far with it because there's almost always a wall up. For me having adhd tends to allow that initial wall to fall quicker, and I find it easier to communicate with adhd people rather than other autistic people, especially women. I feel like the communication trauma is so deep that it can seperate us, it can make us hard and cold in an attempt to protect us, but that also means it's hard to communicate with eachother too. Many times I've come across women who I thought must hate me, only to realise that they may have been autistic, sometimes its hard for me to remember that communication exists outside of the NT world. Im hypervigilant to these signs of people disliking me, so i sometimes take other autistic peoples demeanor as one of these signs. People in my life have said that I'm intimidating, but I don't intend to be. Sometimes it's actually impossible to make a facial expression, or be entirely aware of how I appear to others. I also can be aware of how I should act and what I should do, but my body won't comply. The saddest thing is that I have to be drunk to communicate with most people, because it can give me the courage and because drunk people don't notice the mistakes you make, nor do they think it's anything else than you also being drunk.

[@VelouriaDS]

To be autistic IS to get misunderstood. When I was quite young, I would talk out loud the ways I was thinking about the things that I was doing. I was hoping that *maybe* they would just think "oh she's someone who thinks out loud" as if it was not a big deal while at the same time *maybe, hopefully* they would hear what I was actually saying and understand what and/or why I was doing this or that. It didn't really work, but when I think about it, as a five and six year old to be doing something to try and be understood by others and not be a bother. That really says something about the amount of trauma I was experiencing. Even tho I would have said I wasn't traumatized. I thought it was a misunderstanding and everyone had them. What I didn't notice was how it happened to me more often than average and my response to that. When it didn't work, I never knew if they heard me and just didn't care, or if I was unnoticed. Which created its own problems in my head.

[@megoncle]

Just crying thru this whole video. 😢 I cannot believe it. I've avoided this part in my healing journey. The trauma is so real. Signed, Almost 41, and still trying to piece it together

[@Bittagrit]

Just found this channel. I was diagnosed on the spectrum at age 60. I am starting to share a little of what that’s like on my channel. You are hitting the nail on the head. I basically came to a point of “eff ‘em” for not bothering to try to accept me as I am.

[@NLTops]

It was very self-validating to realize that they don't understand our lived experience any more than we understand theirs. It made me let go of the notion that I was the problem. I realized it when a 12 year old classical autistic kid had a meltdown, and I could deduce from the context what he was upset about, whilst his kind mother was trying to calm him down the neurotypical way. He became non-verbal during his meltdowns, but could talk when at ease. I carefully inserted myself into the situation and started explaining why I thought he was upset, and as I did, he gradually stopped flailing and screeching, and he turned to look at me. By the time I was done, he was staring into my eyes in amazement and disbelief, as if I was a wizard who just reached into his head and picked the thought he was looking for out of the whirlwind of thoughts that were overwhelming him. It was at that moment I realized I don't have an empathy problem. It's just that "put yourself in someone else's shoes" only works when your lived experiences are similar enough that you can relate to them. I knew exactly what he was going through. Autistic brains work bottom up, neurotypical brains work top down. We build parts and combine them into something bigger, they imagine something big and fill in the parts. It's the same with "overexplaining", we describe everything in great detail, because to us, everything exists in great detail. Leaving details out means not truly describing the thing. Whereas neurotypical people prefer it when you explain the gist and they will "fill in the blanks" regardless of accuracy (which in turn bothers us a lot). We also overexplain in an attempt to avoid being misunderstood. We think it happens because we leave too much open for interpretation, but in reality neurotypical people get confused when they have to consider that much detail at once.

[@daughterofsekhmet81]

Amazing video. I feel like double empathy is what makes autistic people prime targets for abusers. I tend to assume the best of people and I've lost count of how many abusers have used my goodwill and desperation to be understood to manipulate and gaslight me. _I'm_ not communicating properly, _I'm_ not explaining myself, _I'm_ not understanding them, _I'm_ the problem and _I_ need to do better. And then I get to enjoy hearing "why didn't you just leave!" from anyone I try to talk to about it 🙃 I definitely have communication trauma too, after a lifetime of having my words dismissed, belittled, picked apart, and demonized I mostly just smile and nod at people now. My spouse gets mad when I withhold my thoughts & feelings, and seems to refuse to understand that whenever I do share them it always turns into a big debate over their validity and correctness. I love sharing them, but I _learned_ to keep them to myself because like you said, it HURTS to be constantly picked apart. I'm not willing to feel hurt all the time anymore. I just want to say I like or dislike something, believe or disbelieve something, etc, and have it just be ACCEPTED as a difference of opinion instead of debated. I can agree to disagree, why can't they? It's beyond exhausting. I'm in my 40s now and have reached a point of burnout where I just want to be alone forever(aside from my amazing kids who are also autistic). Most people just aren't worth the headache anymore. I just want to live in a little baba yaga hut in the woods making weird art out of moss and twigs and living symbiotically with the land and animals. That would be bliss.

[@erinm9445]

"have used my goodwill and desperation to be understood to manipulate and gaslight me". Whew, that hits hard. What's weird to me though, or what I'm still trying to figure out, is that I've gotten this from my family most of all. Yet everyone in my immediate family has a lot of autistic traits, but we seem to each have our own unique mix. I'm not sure that anyone IS autistic (and I am definitely the only one who is ADHD). I am definitely not autistic, but I do think I have enough traits to be considered broad autistic phenotype; my sister and my mom both seem to have even more traits than I do, to the point that I do wonder if they'd be diagnosed--yet my sister is the most manipulative person I know, which took me a loooooong time to figure out (even though I watched her manipulate our parents when we were kids) in part because I do always assume the best about people, especially someone I love to pieces like my sister. Is it possible for someone to be autistic or sub-clinically autistic, but still deeply manipulative?

[@trevinmccoy8497]

I’m 10,000% sure I’m autistic after reading this comment. I swear to God I was literally thinking about a “baba yaga hut in the woods & making fairy houses out of moss and sticks” retirement plan off and on for weeks.

[@PommeLavande]

I’m 21 and dealing with this in my relationship right now. I’m apparently “high maintenance” and stupid, and a dramatic manipulator… When I do my best to explain my feelings, except I never feel understood.

[@jollyandwaylo]

@@PommeLavande I'm 68 and I have found that a good therapist can help if they work with non-typical clients. Learning your boundaries can help protect you from those who call you names or gaslight you. I have many times curled up on the bed by myself and went back to replay and feel a past incident so I can learn to recognize the feelings in me that are a warning that I need to take a walk because the conversation is about to go south. Now I can see it about 5 steps ahead so no one gets offended and we can finish the conversation later. I always say, I need to take a walk but I will be back. Letting people know you are coming back helps many people who might feel abandoned if you just leave suddenly. Once you do that a few times and you come back to listen to them, they will get used to it.

[@paulamint1385]

I can't tell you how much I have cried because peoppe misinterpret my personality. I'm very very bubbly but people don't see it. They judge me so hard. When I quit my last job I gave my boss a piece of advice: don't judge a book by its cover. It hit her hard. I lose friendships too because they can tell I'm weird although I don't consider myself weird. Just allistic people. It's been a tough life. I have communication trauma. You represent us high functioners so well. Please, try and be the spokesperson of an atypical association. You have my backing, I'm full of ideas.

[@melissabennett6571]

I called my dad for help in an emergency situation (snow storm, roadtrip, keys in car, baby in car). An hour went by. When I called again, he said he didn’t realize it was an actual emergency because I sounded so calm and focused. He planned to help me after work. It’s happened several times since then. I’m not sure what people expect me to do? Scream? Panic? Roll on the ground?

[@josephtesoriero5165]

Just use the words “Help me” or “I need help”. That will work.

[@javabeanz8549]

Thanks for putting this out there. So called "normal" people don't get it. I tried in my twenties to get answers as to why I was different. It seemed that I was confusing the psychologist that was testing me. Nearly forty years ago, they decided that I was ADD and Dyslexic. Now, after watching videos and reading books by autistic people, I realize that I was not diagnosed correctly. Watching Dave Plummer (Dave's Garage KZbin channel) put me on the trail. I tried several different online tests for ASD, and every one of them said that I should get tested for an official diagnosis. I don't have the desire to sit through days of testing to be told that I am ASD. I can compare the experiences of the dozens of autistic people I have watched and read with my own. While some have some experiences that I have not, and I have had experiences that they don't mention at least, the commonality is too great to think that I am not ASD.

[@SakurakO06]

Thank you so much for this ! I'm also late diagnosed and ever since finding out I'm autistic I'm really sad about how unbalanced this is. I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to understand a foreign language and now I've finally found my mother tongue but no one wants to learn it. I'm explaining autism to my friends, sharing ressources, but they don't really care that much, they say "you're you and that's what matters" but if I really matter then learn my ways. I'm always accommodating for everyone else but me and I don't want to do it anymore. I want people who love me to ask questions and be curious about the way I work but they're not and it makes me sad. 💔 I know it's because they don't see how different it is, they don't know how much I've learnt their ways and how much I've restrained myself from being me. And when I try to show them they find me difficult and irrational all of a sudden, or they tell me "yay you've always been a bit blunt" as if they were coping with my quirks all along. It's like a one sided relationship at this point haha I think that's the thing that I find the most difficult about getting diagnosed, it's that I am learning to love myself and letting myself be freely autistic but no one wants that and I don't know where to put that version of myself so it's seen and loved and cherished. 💖 I long for a world were people are genuinely curious about our ways and want to learn them without having to do that to survive like we were forced to do with them.

[@toni2309]

I really relate to that. I also generally care about curiosity and I kinda wish I wasn't as alone in that and could bond more over it with other people.

[@spaghetto9836]

Those quotes were so accurate, it's not even funny. Are we in The Sims & just given the same starting NPCs??

[@ninab9969]

Personally, I think you come across as a bright, bubbly, positive and happy person. And you're very easy to listen to. I have no idea why the people you talk to aren't seeing it.

[@nasgoul59]

The way I was always forward and honest and vulnerable and would be seen as mean or stoic when I was extremely emotional and in need of comfort too :(

[@user-vd4gm4tu6f]

Your ability to effectively communicate is amazing and is positively changing lives. I have a niece who is autistic and your struggles are so resonent with what she faces. I love my niece and have always tried to understand what she has to deal with. Coming across your channel and binge-watching has let my level of understanding grow. Thank you for that. Genuinely, thank you. Know that not all alltruistc people (dont know if i got that term right) don't want to do better. Most of us literally dont understand what the problem is, or even that there is a problem that can be resolved with some effort.

[@atlaslewis7873]

I hardly have any friends. I've recently been having communication issues with my closest one. He's not willing to talk about it and I'm so tired of of changing myself for others. Thank you for sharing; it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[@RebekahWorthman]

so much this 😢 you said so eloquently how I feel and act. 💔 why do we have to work so hard? never thought of it as trauma, and even therapists didn’t realize why I have so many issues with communication, fear etc. thank you so much for sharing

[@morgaanfoley]

It took me a long time too to realize that I had real and deep trauma from it. A lot of my CPTSD is linked to communication. I’m sorry you relate so much🥺❤️

[@AmberAkArt]

My only issue with this video is that it seems like you're in my head, reading my mind, and then you made a video consisting of my experience. Hearing other autistic people describe their experience is always eerie because it seems way too spot on with how I am treated and how much I struggle.

[@ragsdmc7789]

Communication Trauma is so real. Im late diagnosed in life. So, going through this not understanding why for my life was crazy. At least I know im not alone.

[@dottyfulcrum]

Diagnosed at 49.5 and 60.83 now. As I now live in the USA, I cannot afford therapy. I find that every couple of years I withdraw from all attempts at having friends. In the past, I would simply move to another town and start over (and over and over and over). Can't do that now. So, maybe in a couple of more years, I will attempt again. Could totally relate to your video. Thank you for sharing.

[@nephistar]

I'm 35.49 and self-diagnosed. Why did you move to the US and from where?

[@nephistar]

Thank you for sharing btw!

[@dorianr4770]

I feel this pretty hard. 40 now.

[@cokomairena]

I can't make decimals work on a 365/366 numerical base😅

[@Sourwhatup]

I haven't started over for 5 almost 6 years now. I'm much younger, but I understand this...

[@Ancient_Hoplite]

When she said we communicate in a very blunt and truthful manner and we are also very fact driven. Yep that hit right in the feels. That silenced the imposter syndrome for quite a while at least.

[@troygaspard6732]

To have a conversation, you must listen.

[@Cobra0798]

most of my friends are autistic simply because they understand me and are forgiving when I mess things up. I frequently take jokes too seriously, for instance, not realizing they're jokes. My autistic friends catch this and explain that they're joking around, whereas my allistic friends, family, or co-workers all get mad at me and think I'm being deliberately obtuse.

[@kelleymarina7933]

this is so real. I’m not formally diagnosed, but I relate to this video so much. I work as a server at a restaurant, as you can imagine there’s lots of social skills/ nuanced behavior that everyone else engages in that I don’t understand. I’ve had several instances where my boss thought I was being condescending when I was just trying to be positive, coworkers thinking I’m rude or upset when I’m just minding my business, customers perceiving my kind nature as either a weakness or something to be suspicious of- and don’t even get me started on the amount of times I’ve become the butt of a joke that I didn’t even understand in real time. it’s truly exhausting trying to conform all the time only to realize it’s all futile.

[@coyoteinthepool]

I had relationships where my initial statements would be wildly misunderstood. Entire meanings and stories would be read into what i said, and then when i tried to clarify by explaining more, they just repeated 'No, THIS is what you said, and I am so mad about it.' I became afraid of saying anything, ever. I stopped posting on social media. I wait to gage the other person's ideas and attitude before daring to express anything.

[@BeautyMarkRush]

"I'm a very happy and bubbly person on the inside and for some reason I can't get people to see that about me" and the bit about "I script every conversation in my mind" went so right in the feels that my eyes got full of tears. I'm constantly confused about why people don't approach me or don't see the "inner" me. It only gets worse when they misinterpret or misunderstand something. It got to the point I feel anxious and paranoid about every conversation I have, specially online, and I can't ever seem to make a two-line comment without overthinking every single word and turning it into an entire paragraph (or three). Even now I'm putting so much thought in these words that I can't seem to relax, even though I just took a shower and layed down on my bed. It looks like they never even give themselves a chance to see me, even when I'm completely clear and objective in what I say, even going so far as explaining I have trouble with wordings and "reading the room", but to no avail. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and it's their fault, but many times I even apologized and went out of my way to explain my train (more like trainS) of thought and also understand what exactly the person misunderstood, but it all just seem to worsen the issue. I could say I've learned to not care, and yes, in some way, I created a thick skin to find some relief and stop "stepping on eggshells" and just saying things, but I can't say I *totally* do that. Probably just 60% of me doesn't care. The other 40% is constantly scared of triggering anyone, part due to the fact I have no intention on doing that and I hate hurting people, even intentionally, part due to the fact I hate getting misunderstood or misinterpreted. To me, there's no feeling as bad as having someone pointing fingers at me, specially when I'm not what they're saying I am.

[@TheLastStardaughter]

"I don't know what else I could be doing" is how I've felt every time people are like "stop doing that thing that annoys me". And they have no interest in helping us, because they expect us to conform.

[@TransistorSounds]

Excellent video, well said! I'm convinced a big part of the issue is that most people aren't aware that "I can't drop or pick up hints" is a real disability, and even if you tell them, they probably wouldn't believe you. I really wish there was some kind of class (preferably online videos of lectures) teaching this stuff (it's encoding and decoding linguistic pragmatics, including implicatures, facial expressions, and tone of voice)... but there isn't, because "it's obvious, as everyone intuitively understands it"... except for those of us who don't! Or, as you say, I wish that they'd at least meet us halfway!

[@LaCafedora]

Yeah, this could totally be my own rant, almost exactly. In many ways, I have adapted, but not by getting better at non-verbal communication, rather by focusing on verbal communication. I've spent much effort developing my writing skills, and growing up on the internet pre-video has afforded countless opportunities for communication that was exclusively with words. That's been good for morale, and I've made some friends and developed skills, but I'm still rubbish at face-to-face communication with a person that isn't listening to my words first and foremost. The worst part has been utterly failing at flirting and therefor having a difficult time meeting prospective romantic partners.

[@commanderwaddles3483]

I think flirting is the only social thing I get. If they seem to purposely stay in conversation with you longer, or seek out interactions with you, you can start slow by telling them qualities about their personality you enjoy, or even that they brighten your day or make you feel inspired. If they say thanks & leave the convo quickly, don't go further. If they thank you and return compliments with huge enthusiasm and remain in conversation with you, it's looking good. After several (maybe 6? To not be too creepy. If you'll never see them again then it has to be now) times of doing this, it is time to suggest hanging out at a secondary location (a place you, they, or both of you like or have some sort of attachment to. OR a brand new adventure). From there, the sharing about how they make you feel can become more deep/risky, paired with conversation that has nothing to do with that of course. With more of these hangouts, if you're feeling brave and they still seeks you out, you can ask em on a "DATE". They may have already assumed y'all were going on dates, but if not, their response to the word date can finally give you confirmation if they're into you too or if they just really like you as a friend. It's a whole lot of stress but it's still fun. But I'm glad I haven't been in the dating scene in a decade 😂

[@michaelrainbow4203]

Yes. I hear you. I went through much of my teens and twenties explaining everything I said -- adding an addendum to every statement I made, clarifying ANYTHING that could be misunderstood. Even doing all of that I would get caught in rumination spirals, overwhelmed with thoughts about what I said or did and all of the ways it could've been misinterpreted by the other person. It is traumatic, for sure.

[@fishycatlover]

I am autistic and discovered that raising your eyebrows makes you look kind and approachable. Every time. Try it.

[@StayAIive]

Just finished the videø and I will definitely be shøwing this tø my parents and therapist. Thank yøu før sharing with the internet!

[@ModernLifeisThrift]

I follow so many autistic creators since my late diagnosis a couple years ago, and this might be the most relatable video I've seen. I get so down on myself for not being able to outwardly be the happy outgoing person I really am. It's heartbreaking. People will come up to me and try to relate to me assuming I'm a fellow misanthrope and I'm just like, "Ew, no. I love people."

[@lucy-gj8lj]

3 MINUTES IN AND IM ALREADY SOBBING AT HOW RELATABLE AND UPSETTING THIS IS--

[@conroygreyfin7011]

This hits me so close to home right now. It is a shame I only really came into this kind of knowledge at 32 years of age.

[@unprofessionalmusician]

Based on the comments, it's amazing how correct you were that this is a completely universal experience among us. Yet when we talk to each other, there's zero problems. I don't have enough autistic people in my life and I end up feeling like a mind trapped in a body that can't move because I genuinely have no clue how to ask for or describe what I need. I don't even know how to try any more, I'm so tired. Any variation of "what you're doing is hurting me and I'm burning out" is punished as rude or worse.

[@just_gut]

I want perfect understanding when I communicate and so many people just kind of want me to "get it". The problem is I spent so much of my early life not getting it, and suffering as a consequence, that I now drastically overcompensate.

[@clarkfennimore1509]

I can definitely relate to communication trauma. I have had people be very nasty to me because of things that they did not communicate clearly.

[@agra_unknown1]

Thank you for this ❤. As a 34y/o who's sus about having adhd and autism, you perfectly summed it up. There are very few souls I've met who have the patience and curiosity to genuinely understand me. The nicest thing someone said to me was on a first date. Unbeknownst to me, she has an autistic younger cousin, at some point she gently but bluntly told me, "You know, you don't have to hide behind that mask with me. Let me see the real you." Although it didn't work out, I hope to find more people like that out there.