Why Are Some People Too Stuck to Grow? | Analysis from a Former Psychotherapist

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[@jaysmithcool]

I am one of the rare people who realized it's better to be depressed than dissociated. I am one of the rare people who feels no shame in grieving. I've devoted my life to healing my traumas.

[@southernsoul152]

I’m so proud of you 🙏🏽 I wish you every possible happiness

[@lissie3669]

Be relentless in the compassion you give to yourself. Be a loving parent to yourself and you WILL be happy.

[@sonjastein2108]

That's wonderful,hope the strength and hope for being in that realm

[@juliam2049]

dissociating is the worst, brings so much anxiety then really feeling and grieving

[@tdw64]

Same here for me. Thanks for sharing.

[@altycoggydeer]

"To be depressed is much healthier than being dissociated". Wow Daniel! Thank you, these words just hit me.

[@lt7587]

So true!

[@Melinamiu007]

Without commentary like yours, us healing people could definitely feel like outcasts.

[@misssoso5859]

Your empathy towards your dad - despite how much he failed you as a parent - is really admirable.

[@minnesotajude8447]

Daniel’s book “Breaking from your Parents,” helped me, a lot. Thank you Daniel.

[@matilda4406]

Yes, it helped me too

[@jalena3379]

I'm reading that book right now. I'm glad it helped you. :)

[@helenasuemartin8534]

same! so good.

[@gingerisevil02]

People often don't grow because everyone around them enables them, is complicit with them, or a bystander, especially when it comes to abusive men in the family.

[@SavageFreddy33]

It's not on other people if you don't grow. Growth comes from within, not from without.

[@happy777abc]

Or it's because people manipulate, sabotage and control those more vulnerable.

[@jenniferfox8382]

This is spot on. I'd also like to add that there's no self awareness and, like in the case with me, my trauma had me in a fog. I was totally unaware of life around me because I was in flight or flight mode 24/7.

[@erniepianezza1170]

I went through this with my parents. They married in their late 30's and had me at 40! My mother was sheltered and terrorized by her mother. Both my patents left their highly dysfunctional alcholic homes when they got married!! My mother had no idea how to function in the real world!! My father was closed and hurtful. When i joined alanon in 89' i tried telling my mom some about it. Her response was " you think you know everything" i have to give them both credit though, the 3 of us went to family therapy when i was in 7th grade( w/o) much help. When in my later 20's i went to my own therapy for many years. ( im happy to say with some success) This year will be 32 years in alanon( which i think out of everything has helped the most!! Thanks for your honesty and your wonderful videos. 😊

[@southernsoul152]

Your innate ability to educate through vulnerability is truly life changing. Thank you for all the wisdom and experience you so selflessly share 🙏🏽

[@xxllbb55]

I have done THERAPY and Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best I have ever had ! .......... Leaves you with no more Questions !!! * REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !

[@tala5802]

hard pill to swallow but definitely true. I wish someone told me this earlier, I wouldn’t have wasted the best years of my life trying to help and ‘change’ my mom who was and still is in denial of everything. she’s already experiencing early signs of dementia in her mid 40s. It’s sad but at this point I have to let it go

[@DeeJay003]

You had to try - now you can embrace the coming years, which will be indeed the best years of your life, knowing you have done your best without regret, or guilt.

[@DeeJay003]

@Epik Hell Sword I agree with you - just attempting to outline a positive. I have been there with my own parents.

[@DeeJay003]

@Epik Hell Sword That would be good - with the right therapist. Also, learning to rise above pain and trauma seems to be a big part of our learning curve in this world. A spiritual perspective can be of great help. The Sadhus of the Indian subcontinent illustrate this to perfection.

[@eastalawest1633]

I get angry at unconscious people sometimes, but ultimately I understand. I struggle so hard to not dissociate but sometimes the pain is just so big its overwhelming.

[@lgichimu]

Deep. Everything you have said about the world being traumatized, regardless of culture or background is so true. Until I switched to this perspective I was on a very self destructive path. Bless 🙏🏿

[@vaiciciaku]

I wish I would be able to speak one day about my experience growing up with my parents so openly and publicly as you do.

[@dishappywithlife2556]

Hiya, great video!! I’m one of those people who spent over a decade healing childhood traumas. Gosh is was the most painful depressing experience in my life. But like you said I rather “feel” then be disassociated. I will always be a work in progress and know “growing” and “becoming” my higher self equals freedom. Ironically the more healthy I’ve become the more people I had to leave behind, including my parents and as of recently a friendship of 16 years. I couldn’t keep growing and continue to have relations with them because we were not on equal playing fields. They could not understand certain logics because they were beyond “stuck.” It was like banging my head; to quote you on “cement.” My life is not perfect but being self aware is one of the greatest gifts one can give ones self.

[@lt7587]

I love these reflections, thank you.:)

[@xxllbb55]

I have done THERAPY and Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best I have ever had ! .......... Leaves you with no more Questions !!! * REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !

[@VenusinCalico]

I often wonder what the point is of trauma. Does it serve a purpose, or is it all maladaptive? ...working thru trauma might be humanity's purpose. (Or at least, it has BECOME a necessary purpose, if we'd like to continue to exist as a species.) Trauma is a universal human experience, and it seriously hinders our ability to function in the world, at all, much less function optimally. Other beings don't seem to experience this level of lifetime, complex, interconnected, generational trauma. Can you imagine if most birds were afraid to fly because of a time their parents traumatized them about flying? Of spiders developing an eating disorder and no longer able to gobble up insects? Ecosystems fall out of balance & totally collapse if beings can't fulfill their purpose. It's mind blowing that we exist when we have so many self destructive habits, patterns, teachings. It makes no sense; no other animal could survive it. I really hope we can turn it around. Imagine the possibilities, all that extra time & energy we could put to other use, if we didn't have to spend a lifetime unraveling trauma.

[@greyeye7487]

I think trauma *is* adaptive. It is just adapted to a different environment then then the one you are currently in. I think animals also experience trauma in the way humans do too, It is evident in the difference between an abused pet and a well taken care of and loved pet. Narcissism or other coping strategies could be used to reduce mental pain or to please their parents (who could cause them a lot of pain and In our monkey days could kill/abandon their children) or because they learn that no one is looking out for them so they have to look out only for themselves.

[@elonever.2.071]

Noelle You wonder if there is a point to trauma. I see trauma as a symptom of society. In order for a group of diverse individuals to survive together as a 'society' compromise is a big must. Some are going to feel they compromise more than others, some will be resentful because they have to stifle their ambitions more than they want to and others just dont play well with others. I find it interesting that beer is considered to be the glue that held societies together during the beginning of civilization. Then, as we still see today, there were people who overindulged and inflicted trauma on others and as these traumas persisted or increased, the consumption of alcohol increased to deal with the emotional pain, and unfortunately this pattern has continued to the present.

[@umchinagirard1800]

Empathy is a crucial concept in understanding not only child maltreatment, but its intergenerational transmission. One form of maltreatment, often involving both physical and emotional abuse, targets one child in the family, referred to as the “scapegoat.” Historically, the scapegoat has been regarded as the only abuse victim; clinical experience demonstrates otherwise. In many families, siblings identify with the parent, joining in blaming the victim for the caretaker's abuse of that child. They demonstrate empathy deficits, which may protect them from the effects of witnessing the process. This paper proposes a conceptual model that examines factors contributing to the development of empathy deficits.

[@ShawnFin]

What if trauma, or the individual's ability to better cope with it (through nature OR nurture) is not an individual mechanism for survival, but more a species trait to ensure testing of the survival of the fittest of the species. Sorry if it sounds morbid, but just a thought. It reminds me of something I read once, about how nature as a whole doesn't care if an individual species lives or dies, but cares about the overall balance of nature as as whole. Similarly, the overall species doesn't care if an individual within the species lives or dies, but cares about the survival of the overall species. Similarly, the body doesn't care about the individual life and death of a single cell, but the survival of the overall organism. I mean, in the end, those that can best survive, and even THRIVE in trauma response, have very high chance of strength and survival to overcome challenge in life.

[@VenusinCalico]

@@ShawnFin Maybe morbid, but a reasonable idea (nature is brutal & effective that way!), so maybe so. I've been thinking about how trauma essentially puts a person on a feedback loop (with neurological and physiological changes & all) - it forces you to exist in the same state over and over again until you adapt. Which can be absolute hell with no end, but also a way to teach, to force adaptation. Feels like you hit on something deeply true with that last bit - "...those that can best survive, and even THRIVE in trauma response, have very high chance of strength and survival to overcome challenge in life". Definitely. Funny... It's as if the people best suited to truly adapt & integrate trauma (not just maladapt) are probably those most prone to it - those with more sensitive, highly responsive nervous systems - those for whom it's unbearable not to adapt, who will try to change at all costs, who are more likely to sense subtle mind/body sensations & patterns and so, if they can become cognizant of the loop, disrupt it. (Good one, nature.)

[@coeurdenvie]

Reading ‘Breaking from your parents’ as we speak. The first book - I read nine others - that is honest. I am a psychologist with a private practice and it reads as if I’ve written it. Thank you, Daniel!!! 😊

[@AdelleRamcharan]

Grateful for Daniel and his message ✨🌟🙌🤍

[@changtillend5718]

Keep it up Brother. There are people like me, very very helpful your chanel... Don't worry about the size of the audience. Because most people like to remain as they are but only few will find who they really are.

[@OdiousCoprophagus]

When I'm browsing my KZbin rec's I immediately click all your new videos the second I see them. Thanks for sticking around and sharing your wisdom

[@msdemeanor6039]

My father is one of these people. He's cruel, selfish, entitled, exploitative, and completely lacking empathy. He has never accepted any responsibility for anything he's done wrong because "he has never, ever done anything wrong."

[@jalena3379]

Another excellent video. I really like what you said about being depressed being healthier than dissociation. I think that is spot on from my experience. After the very painful loss of a friend, I became broken. Depressed. Angry too. His death was like a catalyst to the beginning of a breakdown in how I thought about religion. My family. My childhood. Everything. 5 years later, I find it very easy to feel sadness/grief, because I see so much around me that I didn't see before. I mean, I always knew things weren't "right." I thought for a long time it was me. But, now I see that humanity is dysfunctional as a whole, like the family I came from. "Normal" wasn't good. It wasn't healthy. But as a kid, you are powerless to know any different than what you live. I feel so bad for the children who experienced even worse than I. I can't bring myself to read this book I've had for years, that lists the history of child abuse over time. I got the book because I wanted to educate myself. But I know that reading the pages is gonna put me into a state of misery. All I have to do is look around me -- at the kids in the stores that look sad. The ones who get ignored by their parents when they are crying. The ones who get threatened if they don't shut up, and I know it's out there -- everywhere. I hope you are right, Daniel, when you say that maybe one day humanity will be better. Because humanity is full of suffering, and it is overwhelming when you think about it. Better to know what is, even if painful, versus being in a state of denial.

[@methoxyll]

This came at such a divine time for me. Thanks again daniel! 😌 Your channel is very helpful

[@caracre]

Your videos show such honesty. They give me hope and inspiration... Thank you so much.

[@RG-hf9em]

Same here.. my dad couldn't feel his feelings or emotions he drank alot to bury his emotions.. He was lying to our family leading a double life he was very critical..etc I remember as a child I felt sad/numb alot of the time and didn't talk much at school or at home.. I closed in .. but didnt know what was wrong or why I felt this way. I had some health issues along the way as it transformed on to my body" The weight of it I guess..I was told whats wrong with you by teachers and family" why don't you talk alot etc..Deep down! I could feel something wasn't right..very intutive as children but too young to understand.. why/what?.. until many years later.. I found out my dad had an alcoholic dad who never liked him.. etc and lived through hardships in a bad environment..etc His dad died from a fall drunk when he was 17 and never went to his funeral.. & the fact he was leading a double life, looking us in the eye, lying & cheating for several years... Had a big impact on me & for my future relationships which was never much of a success.. Yes, like you say your dad is your role model your first love of life etc.. I think no matter what shit they went through as children too etc. They are pretty concious of what they are doing as an adult.. cheating and lying has no excuse.. At least come clean and go ..so that the children's lives are not screwed up.. I guess its cowardness.. & not caring enough for your own kids.. I carried alot of bullshit.. throughout my best years.. My mom is another story:).. After divorce and terrible times ahead..it hasn't been smooth.. I'm healing....and awake.. Once you understand where your parents came from and their background you can have some compassion.. but it's not easy when you feel not so good most of your life.. Got to let it go ...Wake up! All there is now, is the present.. embrace it to the full.. forgive and move on.. life is short..🙏💜

[@RG-hf9em]

@@TJBear Thanks for your message.. Yes! That's all you can do..have some compassion and understanding, as thats all they knew and were acting out what they were taught by their parents unconsciously.. At the time we don't know what's going on.. Things become crystal clear after many many years.. We must try to not repeat their wrong actions.. over and over again.. Create a new reality.. a happy, healthy, loving life!! 🙏🧡

[@ot6960]

Well said Daniel. Your channel has always been so grounded, thoughtful and encouraging.

[@UNCIVILIZE]

The trauma is the original wound, the Mother Earth Wound, the disconnection. The solution, going back to a natural way of life, with a whole community, a tribe. We have a lot to learn. Thanks for helping.

[@Hemulionbotanisti]

I hear you! I'm growing! It's hard work and it feels great! Thank you so much Daniel! 🙏

[@megangriffith9630]

This reminds me of my father so much. If you point out his toxic behaviour he just completely loses his temper.

[@ChooseLoveToday316]

I had to stop viewing my father as more than just some guy in my life to tell him how he has negatively impacted parts of my life. My dad was a wounded little boy like Daniel talks about. I view him as a 10 year old in a mans body. One thing that helps is I took the emphasis off attacking or accusing each other. I told him what I think is happening with his low self esteem, insecurities and inferiority complex. I explained how it drives every second of the day for him. Then I explained how ego/insecurities and traumatic life experiences effected how I interact with the world. It was candid and real. I suspect it's the only real conversation anyone ever had with him in his life beyond "what do you want to get for dinner". But yeah just to tell him i had to just see him as a guy in the world doing stupid things that negatively effect me.

[@LunaSky381]

I love Danials minimalistics video surrounding. I miss his old room. The calming minimalistic room with the lamp

[@KassandraProklusma]

Existence is naturally traumatic because our pure, numinous souls are trapped in limited, indigent, profane material bodies. Parents can certainly screw up their kids, but I'm not sure that "good" parenting and a "good" society will ever guarantee "untraumatized" adults. I think human psychology is evolved to survive a certain amount of trauma in exchange for the self-awareness that comes naturally to us. Well, some of us.

[@timtrek]

'honour thy father and thy mother' those imperfect human creatures who gave you the precious gift of life .. how boring to have had good parents .. trauma is the terrible gift that leads to the path home

[@methoxyll]

I feel my mom didn't really traumatize me too much in certain areas, some trauma came from relationships afterwards so I agree! But I do think that there is a proper way to raise your child to be a strong confident child that grows into a strong confident adult!

[@getj00cy70]

Profound explanation, i am on the same wavelength, I also believe that the "test" of this life is mainly facing challenges and being patient, The response is always under ones control, that is also the most amount of control we as humans will ever get, We often forget that things were never supposed to be perfect.

[@corsicanlulu]

@@timtrek why are we here for? just to suffer and learn? why do we need to suffer in order to learn, cant there be a better way? why, whats the point when we die anyways and all is lost....thats why im an anti-natalist. look at daniel who has twisted himself into a pretzel trying to help his abusers, and so many of us who do the same. we dont deserve to be treated like this and its not worth it in the end.....

[@chaddy2409]

@@corsicanlulu i dont understand 100% what u mean. What do u mean with he twisted himself into a pretzel?

[@loreley3126]

Most people who had a neardeath- experience report that they saw their life in a film and they felt the feeling that others had because of their actions. And they report also that a Spirit who guided them was talking about it with them. And then a inner Prozess of understanding occurred. Followed by a feeling that they hurt somebody and the wish to correct that. - maybe that is the point, when people really grow!! 😇

[@dmackler58]

Very interesting Loreley!!

[@LunaSky381]

May I have an honesty moment?! I love you Danial! ♥️🙊♥️ I would be fangirling if I would meet you 😂 Your honesty, personal growth and integrity is reeeally attractive.

[@xxllbb55]

I have done THERAPY and Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best I have ever had ! .......... Leaves you with no more Questions !!! * REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !

[@cryingdove4133]

My dad was/is the exact same. The analogy of smashing your head against the brick wall is exactly what i felt, and still feel. I'm trying to let go of that, thanks for sharing Daniel!

[@1life744]

On Point Daniel.

[@pinkythepolarbear5272]

Thank you - this was an excellent video. Very motivating also!

[@pinkythepolarbear5272]

@feminine man gay biological man being feminine Why would you think it a joke?

[@maiziemom]

Maybe he just felt so small inside, that his young son, trying to help “teach him” a better way, a way to look at things differently, triggered him. Maybe the fact that he was triggered is why he lashed back in such negative, hurtful ways. He didn’t hate you. You triggered him to feel like that small, repressed little boy all over again and he probably couldn’t stand to face that fact. Maybe his ego was so battered that death would’ve been easier to confront than facing his repressed hurt & abandonment issues. My parents always told me, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”....

[@NonyaSmith]

Sounds precisely like my father, and my relationship to him as a child. I think you're right on the money. And that this is often the case with parents who abuse their children because of their own unresolved trauma. Thanks for the comment. Now if literally any one, single person in my life could see my experience with my father (both parents, actually) this way. The way it actually was.

[@daisy7066]

@@NonyaSmith same here. Abuse wasnt recognised as such as they do t know what it is, in those days abuse was part of upbringing, I've found my fathers friends were all in denial as well. Mainly male they had no idea how to deal with emotional issues.

[@billybob-vy4sw]

Maisie when you dont have love in your heart for your child - and you treat your child like crap what exactly do you call it ?

[@daisy7066]

@@billybob-vy4sw Nobody said they didn't have love, it was different conceptions of love.

[@Winstonclawfinger]

My friend I know everything you say.. I have a story suicide, parental suicide, healing , work and constantly in pain. We should talk. You are on to a great idea for a podcast. You are doing great work brother

[@Winstonclawfinger]

I forgot to mention how I survived and am happy today, with me and the world. Got excited there...

[@budda777pl]

It's vital information. Potencially life saving. Thank you for the work.

[@guerillagrace]

A grounded optimistic message We could all probably use the encouragement Thank you ♡

[@jenniferfox8382]

"They often dont have a sense of self". This was so spot on and the exact reason i was in a trauma fog. Id lost any sense of self, which allows us to feel pain and to have a sense of right and wrong. It does kill your soul. Soul murder is real.

[@ByAnyOther]

I believe no one is "too stuck to grow," it is all a matter of circumstance. Certainly, it is not always in our possession to help: like being a lifeguard for beach x, but expecting to be responsible for someone drowning in beach y - it's not in possession, forget it. Now, they will drown, so hypothetically they are "too stuck to grow," but had there been a life guard (i.e. the right circumstance), VOILÀ.

[@2.A963]

After KZbin recommended your channel to me,I watch it every day 😊

[@sofsofsof84]

I have the answer to it, its all about energy exchange and love is healing, give love to the darkness and to do that you have to see the darkness.

[@magdalena4683]

I've found many individuals essentially create better psychological defenses or pull up their masks of facade further, thinking as though these defenses are healing, Instead of opening-up, admitting, and experiencing authentic grief.

[@alstewart3540]

This is a crazy video. I'm so glad I found your videos back in 2017. You're a great guy

[@CynicalRealist8488]

Your videos are amazing Sir , it’s therapy for me .

[@user-ne8ci7zr4s]

Love you Daniel, from Syria 😇

[@werdeduselbstwerdeduselbst4883]

Maybe Nietzsche's predicted crisis of consciousness is going to be the mass grieving event you predicted, when we will face nihilism, and then slowly, painfully, come to accept ourselves as a species, on the individual level, and from that dark night will dawn a new day, an innocent day, from which we will literally expand through the stars - to new high hopes, to greater adventures than we can ever imagine today.

[@bettybotterbutter]

This is such an insightful talk. It rings so true to me on all the key points. Thanks so much for this.

[@xmarianx77]

i dont know what to say but you are more than amazing.

[@hellomisfit9876]

Just stumbled upon your channel currently a counsellor in training. Really enjoying your videos ty for creating them

[@fromliamwithcare]

I want to acknowledge how susceptible I can be to self-delusion, as amongst other qualities that I feel have been attributed to me over this last period of my life amoungst more positive ones are an unhelpful audacity and ungratefulness. and as much as I have identified as someone who isn't interested identifying as a victim and to put myself in uncomfortable & challengjng self-reflective spaces as well as working to adopt behaviors and habits that embody this feeling of love and exploration. I know that I have also acted in ways ways which have hurt people that I care deeply about in my personal life as well as further a field. I want so much to connect and to do the required work to develop these more meaningful relationships though in the situations that I have found myself in particularly online situations I am conflicted what I see as mixed signals. I am not someone who wants to stay stuck. how does one best seperate what is the authentic self with this false self? my intuition tells me that one is ruled more by ego and a dislike of criticism/openess to change where as the authentic self is more vulnerable seeking greater collaboration and understands the individual challenges and insecurities we are each suffering through and is more interested in building others up rather than manipulating for our own means. what does this look like if these relationships in question consist of large divides in power dynamics & social standing and lack much open communication? my quess is the comments area may be a insufficient place to really address these queries though I'd welcome any input or insights. thank you.

[@lt7587]

Hi Liam D - What jumps out to me immediately on reading your honest reflections, is precisely that: your commitment to self truth and wanting to live an authentic life with real/deep connections in relationships with others - and certainly the important reflection you make about not being someone who wants to stay stuck. So it sounds like you've already made a full-on start to your healing journey, as in my opinion, even "just" acknowledgement of past trauma alone, and current vulnerability, is surely part of the battle... I've found watching Daniel's videos to be so helpful, including what Daniel says about journaling. (Journaling and sometimes writing poetry - or trying to at least! - has helped me learn quite a lot about myself and both my relationship with my past and my relationship with others, including any unhelpful dynamics or the sorts of power differentials that I think you referred to.) I've sometimes also found it useful to consider authenticity as being along a spectrum/continuum, because even the most authentic of people may well at some point in their lives have needed to slide down the continuum (away from authenticity/the "organismic" true self according to Person Centred therapist/author Carl Rogers...) in order to protect themselves from psychological threats/danger in their environment.. equally it's very very possible to reach authenticity, having previously arrived from a much less authentic way of being - even from a more "false self". When the environment feels safe, warm, accepting and free of judgement, this can be a very healing space and a potential catalyst for becoming real towards ourselves and others I feel. (During my own training and personal development journey I came across a wonderful fable type story called "The Knight in Rusty Armour" which really illustrates all of this and what Daniel says, very powerfully. You may find it of inspiration....) Anyhow about the spectrum/continuum of authenticity, I've found it useful sometimes to clock in with myself at various points and check whereabouts I am located on the continuum: eg "Right now, how am I feeling? And can I express that feeling out loud if I need to, in a way that is authentic and also enables me to take responsibility for myself, allowing me to "own" my own thoughts/feelings/behaviours fully without getting enmeshed in other people's?" I guess I could've considered numbers as well, eg "On a scale of 0 to 10, how real am I being in this moment? When in my life have I experienced 0 or 1 authenticity and how did that feel...? When have I experienced 9 or 10 in the past, what was that like and how did I get there/what helped? Great to remember the high number examples for a boost of courage and motivation if helpful. At some point, probably all of us will have needed to have our defences on show. Donald Trump for example may have a lot of these for much of the time and he may not even be able to recognise that he was very very likely painfully traumatised as a very young child. I see/hear him as very disconnected and not at all authentic - and, like Daniel suggests, "depressed" may be much healthier than disassociated (if it's ok for me to suggest, your own comments don't sound especially in denial or disassociated...Though I believe we all can be at times - Trump being an extreme example.) I find your reflections heartening to read, especially where you've referred to vulnerability. I've often found that a challenge too and have only in the last few years started making much more headway in it thankfully - but gee did I used to feel terrified of being myself, it was always full of risk and the "unknown"... Sorry to be plugging so many resources etc in a relatively short space, but also by chance have you come across Brene Brown's TED talks including on Vulnerability, and another one about Shame? These are all worth a watch in my opinion, as are Carl Rogers' books worth a read- "On Becoming a Person" plus "Person to Person" ...They're quite wordy books but so humanistic, very connected and full of person-centred wisdom on what it is to be an authentic human and in relationship with other humans. Every time I come back to those books I feel like I'm reading with fresh eyes and noticing even more within their pages! Anyhow I've rattled on for long enough now, and I'm not sure if any of this is really relevant enough to what you were looking for...🤔 Wishing you luck for your journey Liam! :)

[@exoticfoxholebrianna]

Needed to see this video today for my own reflection... Thank you Daniel ❤️

[@ebony41441]

Mom, and three siblings have NPD. I was the scapegoat. My sibling were treated much better than the way I was treated. They could have friends and go out where I wasn’t allowed. They had toys and I was not allowed to touch them. Although mom didn’t have much love they were treated much better than I was. When I hear people say they are like that because they were abused, well not as abused as I was so why did they end up the NPD. I’m not perfect, but I do spend a lot of time thinking and growing. How did I come out so different? My niece is bringing up her kids the same way. Kids have every toy at the store and are being taught they are better than others. She’s only four and already trying to hurt me in every way. I went NC after she’s being violent towards me and they laughed. I’m the youngest and siblings are in their 60 and 70’s. No grow ever

[@sarahsat222]

I am so glad I found your channel, I love your contents, you are so real, authentic, brave and sincere!

[@schahrzadmorgan]

How do I know if I had childhood trauma or healed whatever pain I had. I felt loved by my parents yet I often hated them when they told me what to do. I keep looking for trauma and haven't found any. I think there were moments as a baby I felt abandoned if they were busy and that's why I would like emotionally unavailable men. I'm a life coach and really into in personal development.

[@juliebennion8856]

I have only become aware of trauma by feeling All Emotions, as they arise, if/when it’s possible to do so. Noticing if I come up with reasons not to feel whatever’s present, or automatically turn away from feeling (by eating talking reading or otherwise finding distractions) lets me know I’m choosing to deny what’s happening for some reason. Then I/you have to be honest about what I’m choosing, and reflect about whether I’m open to, or will decide to become open to seeing/feeling/knowing All the emotions I have otherwise withheld. Once I started to feel into & all the way through emotions that had been denied, childhood memories & feeling states that reminded me of how I felt back then, started to surface. I hope that’s helpful.

[@matilda4406]

altruistic, creative, ethical and honest, yes, absolutely, that is the future! You are spot on, the simple truth is that that IS sustainable, while the self destructive parentage is not

[@veruc_w]

Thank you so much for this topic

[@LckLk]

I think this is one of the most important videos on this channel

[@CrazyTobster]

Wow. One video has given me answers for too many people who have made my life difficult

[@alstewart3540]

Have you heard of John Bradshaw, Daniel? He was big back in the last century, like 1970s, he says some amazing things about the shame that binds us. It sounds a lot like what you were saying about your dad

[@dmackler58]

Yes, I read some of his work. He’s quite good, and I know he’s helped a lot of people!

[@alstewart3540]

@@dmackler58 check him out on youtube if you'd like, his lectures are crazy. He often shares a poem by chris morely I know you would like: The greatest poem ever known Is one all poets have outgrown: The poetry, innate, untold, Of being only four years old. Still young enough to be a part Of Nature's great impulsive heart, Born comrade of bird, beast, and tree And unselfconscious as the bee- And yet with lovely reason skilled Each day new paradise to build; Elate explorer of each sense, Without dismay, without pretense! In your unstained transparent eyes There is no conscience, no surprise: Life's queer conundrums you accept, Your strange divinity still kept. Being, that now absorbs you, all Harmonious, unit, integral, Will shred into perplexing bits,- Oh, contradictions of the wits! And Life, that sets all things in rhyme, may make you poet, too, in time- But there were days, O tender elf, When you were Poetry itself!

[@dmackler58]

@@alstewart3540 Thank you Al.

[@van-kimtrinh4027]

Thank you for your content. It hurts to hear this, but I know it's better for me to hear it over and over again, so I'm not getting stubborn, because I want my mum back. Because I want that, she stops being in denial, so she stops harm herself and just takes care of herself. It's like griefing over and over again and it never stops. I had read enough books, that I understand griefing is a part of life, but it sucks!

[@matilda4406]

None of us know how.. however... there are oh so so many tricks in the bag. In life and in the source of life. When we see it, we will forever be in awe!

[@user-ev5le7qh6g]

I'm in tears when you talk about fighting with your parents. I don't know if I would ever be brave like to you to talk about it like that.

[@Ausgrave]

Great video -- there's hope in that -- while people who have done the work are rarely in the spotlight -- those rare few often touch people's lives. When that happens, people on the fence can be awakened and spread that awareness to people in that person's life, and so on. Through the work that you are doing (and many others) by getting the message out, the survival of humanity becomes a race between these different types of energy -- trauma or enlightenment...

[@laurar.2866]

I find great value in this video and in all your videos, thank you Daniel!

[@sonjastein2108]

I started to see you today,and I need to stop right now to remember here the wise words from Alice Miller: every psychologist begins being her,his parents psychologist...

[@Thanos697]

Hi, i just want to write that it is so spot on what you are saying is exactly the clear true diagnostic of our time.. I find that question of the "switch to change" interessting.. i now think that the decision point to change is based on two opposing forces : my growing pain VS my expectation of the pain i get if i feel my deep grief.... as long as the second is higher than the first i wont make the decision until eventually my growing disconnection pain get high enought OR we socially accept feeling grief as normal and not so painfull as we think... (because it actually is not as painfull as we think).... so first one has to increase or the second one has to decrease... I think that for some rare people the disconection depression pain gets too high that they make the change and the more they are the more they will be showing to other how to do it and give faith in that.. so the second one pain which is the "feeling grief" one will be seen as normal and not expected so difficult or impossible.. It is kind of a mathematic.. You can find more information on "divine truth" channel which provide many interesting perspective aswell.. Good luck guys and good luck society..

[@squarecicle3577]

Very relatable, I assume much of the darkness in the age of kali yuga ( iron age of consciousness ), is because the ego complex has dominated the systems on earth for the ego ( Ego/body as the shadow of the sun/spirit - the light without a shadow ), which is not reality - reality requires balance and words only contain half the balance or perception. Humans are essentially born dissociated by modern living from life and nature because of how we have allowed ourselves to be culled. We have been destroying our supporting roots for a long time, ( was the ourborous a symbol or warning from ancients that our kundalini has became self destructive thus eating our own roots as opposed to a symbol of eternity ? ) since the evolution of intellect/imagination ( was this a collective psychosis and neurosis which caused the brain to evolve 80% of its mass towards intellect functions which caused us to fall from god / nature and thus our inner spirit and its connection to life? Into a man made, delusional 'godly world' of wealth and power? I consider the ego the primary spirit defence mechanism - coordinated from within the limbic and neocortex functions to create a false sense of I, and the second spirit defence mechanism as the archaic ego handler to create a false sense of I , I ( split fragments rooted from the mathematically imprinted experience to create a reflected pain body ( or spirit dissociation ) coordinated within the reptilian brain ( also called inner demon / prosecutor and protector ) These two spirit defence mechanisms relate to the bodies primary and secondary defence mechanisms in their coordination and function, and prevent the entity from ''being'' which is a natural state of ''doing''. To fix this, in short - raise awareness to things which matter for survival and balance, such as our ecology much like what David Attenborough is doing after stating his generation failed, make the thought patterns of turning in, rewarded and common place in society. The CIA conducted operation paperclip, operation mockingbird, MK ultra, ECT. They can use this knowledge for the greater good, with positive brainwashing and right action, to modify society in ways which is constructive for nature and life and not for division and control. We can use technology to bypass shadows and demons, with the brain fingerprint scanner lie test or neuralink when it is available into a head gear to be used by people in places of power and influence so that 100% legitimacy is and will be maintained - the intents will not be hidden and back door dealings will be a thing of the past. Which is very rare in politics and business, having 100% honesty will bypass shadows and demons, when we act for balance, ecology, to the best scientific data we have, which is transparent to all, and have systems in place which are for maintaining balance rather than systems which are destroying the planet. ( rename the brain fingerprint lie test to something like the honesty helmet and make this a symbol of power, integrity, and balance - replace the ''crown'' and royal idealisms to something constructive and integrative for the human kind, a royalty to truly aspire to who make a positive impact for life. Make those with power, responsible. Make wealth, come with responsibility. As it does - according to the laws of thermodynamics.

[@ForestTekkenVideos]

Wow youtube actually put this in my feed 🎉👍

[@lavener100]

We who have had all the ingredients and circumstances in our lives to feel safe enough to do this kind of work are not better than those who have not. How much is of life is choice and how much is just one thing leading to another? Even in a garden of branching pathways, all past choices influence the next. We are living, moving patterns. Not above and not below, all connected, we are all mirroring each other, and even if it does not seem like it, always moving, changing, shifting, growing, and adapting. In the nitty-gritty of life, we HAVE to see each other as separate. It's just practical, it's the curse of physicality. But all this only makes sense to me if we are all parts and pieces of one thing. Maybe your father's supposed lack of healing was just the catalyst that led to your inner adventure and exploration. I just don't know

[@daisy7066]

They've found away that works for them while avoiding pain, shame& humiliation, possibly their livelihood & reputation may depend on denial, projecting that onto their children instead. I had the same problem with my parents, but I partly sympathised because I knew their difficult situation. That can keep things stuck, in the end there maybe nothing you can do, you're dealing with a different generation. Even cutting them off doesnt kickstarter their healing process, sometimes things are too old, distant, cultural different to make sense in the present context. What you need is external intervention, but that's where finding it becomes a problem in itself. Sometimes you have to do it yourself using your own resources.

[@huguettebourgeois6366]

It takes a whole life to heal...when would we help others.

[@UntoldChoices]

I do hope a part of you knows that we're best friends. lol! 💜🦚🐲💚 Thank you for being you. Can't wait to work with you someday.

[@heather-vs9qe]

My mum was far too angry, it was complicated, my mum had no awareness 😢

[@michelekurlan2580]

Wish I'd been able to get to know my parents but couldn't scale the walls. Think I understand,in retrospect. It was tough growing up in their household, still, I miss them or perhaps a home life I wish was just a little more "charmed."

[@elainehiggins713]

We are all angry at someone who failed us. On a larger scale, not only have our parents failed us, but our ancestors have failed us, men have failed women, white people have failed black people, rich people have failed poor people, and on and on and on, ad infinitum. When does the healing begin? When the blaming ends, and we realize we really are the same. We are not diverse, we are all the same. We have all been hurt, we have all hurt others. It’s on a spectrum, but no one is blameless. No, not one. So, where is the hope? In the one true religion, a new medication, a better therapist, the practice of meditation, changing our system of government, getting a new lover ? No. It’s not outside of ourselves, it’s in that person you see in the mirror when you’re brushing your teeth. It’s the person you were when you first came into being-before you first realized things weren’t always going to go your way. For sure, there is a lot of suffering in the world, but there is also a lot of overcoming of suffering. To quote Desiderata, “Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here.” And so does everyone else.

[@rodrickheffley1394]

Man, thank you!!!!!!

[@kaystephens2672]

My grandfather was "Stuck in his Ways". His daughter said.

[@NOT_SURE..]

i am 55 years old (generally happy with healthy self esteem and an enquiring mind ) and my family say such aweful disgusting things to me, to make me feel bad about myself i have walked away . it appears one of the worse things for parents is for their kids to have more confidence and self esteem than them ..... i think they feel like YOU are taking over the role of critical parent, as this is the role they are stuck in , thus forcing them into 'child' mode...

[@Patc-n6n]

Thank you Daniel. Could you do a video about 12 step programs?

[@jaineas]

great comment

[@daniellfourie]

The neglectful aspect, was my life too.

[@umchinagirard1800]

Your videos are revolutionary on an ethical scale. Soft power, delicate weapons like Taylor swift, BTS, moral emotional intelligence education... helps. Tupac tried. And Tupac’s mom tried too. I hope prince Harry, Britney Spears, or some other people can lead us to heal on a collective tipping point soon ... they need to focus on the family scapegoating dynamics and educate people

[@SuperLotus]

I wonder if I'm too stuck to grow. I started to get interested in self help close to 15 years ago and I've made very little progress. I've also spent time studying spiritual teachings as well. I'd like to think that I don't harm others (often), but I'm just too dysfunctional to make any improvements for myself.

[@critter_paws]

I love that piece about evolution having a trick up his sleeve and really hope that's the case

[@umchinagirard1800]

Dear Daniel, thank you. Do you think, education in schools to recognise family scapegoating, family bullying and shaming of children would reduce the trauma? At the silence and silencing in children’s literature conference. It was raised that publishers gaslight children, to get sales with parents. Basically children’s books are written to gaslight children etc Some books do occasionally get through the gauntlet of adultism... have you perhaps seen children’s picture book Scapegoat written for school teachers to ? Help hopefully children like #gabrielfernandez

[@sonjastein2108]

We,and that for,the world,are so screwed up because the hardest of life makes the hardest of heart, reality is so unbearable and our brain development with more than 20 unconscious defense mechanisms to deal with that...

[@sonjastein2108]

All of those mechanisms denying or distortion the truth

[@riccardo2283]

Sometimes i wonder, do exist, is it possible that a new trauma may break dissociations by making impossible to hide feelings and then someome else could come to heal the person? May exist something like therapeutic trauma? I know someone who is stuck and blinded in trauma, and i try and try a lot to unfold them, but with kindness and love, i failed, may being more harsh and pointing be better? If a sense of superiority is the defense mechanism, if the delusion is based on a false sense of strengh, may destroy them a way to heal when stuck? Taking away their ability to lie to themself, taking away their denial with some kind of psicological violence? I know that may sound bad, but sometimes i wonder if it may work when anything else works.

[@bradrandel1408]

Nice!🦋🕊🌹

[@Thang4321]

Thanks Daniel

[@Swissbluemountain]

The problem is that we have a very short life . We have no time even to think of who we are or who is around us . Everything is going so quick that birth and death only options we have here !

[@sonjastein2108]

Complete agree,I think the commandment to have children,to have even today the ones that God wants to we have,is beginning to change.As we know,and in your words the parental rescue fantasy is the via reggia to cancel the pain, putting the trauma on the children,but people recently started to notice that it doesn't work.Years before I have read the book from a french psychologist,Marcel Ruffo, demonstrating that we are made to have one child,so you can went to the Genesis and see what's happened with the two brothers...we can not stay in good relationship with ourselves,less with a rival,so this is another topic that will be amazing you talk about: brotherhood complex is that big as a parental complex,or the trauma at the very core of human family

[@umchinagirard1800]

I was too depressed. Then I had a sensation like my brain was two and the pain was there incompatibilities... wanting validation love connection to narcissistic mom ... but being angry they never ever will luv understand or validate me... that hurts

[@godisamulti-racialhermaphr7560]

The Primal Scream, Arthur Janov 1970

[@huguettebourgeois6366]

It hurts to see the truth...it can kill.

[@SavageFreddy33]

Most people sleepwalk through life, and respond defensively to the concept of self awareness, even in other people. They do this because they are cowards.

[@gregoryarutyunyan5361]

Imagine all the people living life in piece.

[@heather-vs9qe]

Very heavy man real heavy😢

[@proto1132]

Wow, this was pretty darn accurate

[@efehansahin2172]

I have watched a lot of things about the Hadza people. I really enjoyed the music and videos I have watched on KZbin. The Hadzabe tribe are people who live in a region in Tanzania, around a lake, which is called Lake Eyasi. Their life depends on the nature. They forage for their food. They gather honey, fruits, berries and plant roots. They learn how to use bows and arrows from a young age. They are incredibly social. In the means of common social interest. They are very courteous. They share the foods they find. I will not give more information. For people who want to study this themselves. I was astounded of the way of life they have.