"Why do I feel like I'm making up my problems?" | ep.183

This week licensed therapist Kati Morton dives into negative thought loops and ruminating thoughts. She explains why we can get caught up in them and what we can do to pull ourselves out. She also discusses whether or not we have to dive into the reasons behind our mental health issues to heal, and how to get to a place where we can talk about our past trauma with our therapist. She dives into the ways she knows a patient is dissociating, and how we can have healthy relationships with people who have a mental illness. This and so much more in this week’s episode!
Questions for episode 183 of the Ask Kati Anything podcast:
1. What makes someone a “complex” case in therapy? Is it a specific diagnosis or cluster of diagnoses? Or is it dependent on how the client presents? 1:12
2. My question is about ruminating thoughts and negative thought loops. I constantly find myself in this thought loop in which I’m convinced that I’m lying about my problems to my therapist. I have to then tell myself the facts and use evidence to... 6:55
3.Can true long lasting progress be made without talking about the underlying problems that lead to my depression and anxiety? I have been in therapy for a few months now and each week all we discuss which skills or... 21:31
4. Do you have any tips for sharing traumatic memories or details (like childhood sexual abuse) with your therapist for the first time? 28:23
5. How can you tell if a client is dissociated in session? Like can you see that? And what do you think of the term high functioning anxiety? Can someone with this also dissociate? 44:10
6. How do I know whether the way I feel classifies as "depressed" and "anxious" or whether this is just what life feels like for everyone? Maybe living life is just hard, exhausting, and having to fight to get through your days is normal? 48:18
7. What's the difference between having social difficulties because of social anxiety and having social difficulties because of ASD and how would I differentiate between just needing to expose myself to social situations and pushing through the anxiety... 56:49
8. I wanted to know about how to leave my therapist without her bursting into tears. She has been under a lot of stress lately and has been canceling my appointments. I really need to... 1:03:49
9. How do you maintain friendships with people with mental illness, without it turning into a helping relationship? I have ended friendships simply because it was taking a toll on my mental health as I get texts and calls on... 1:07:22
Timestamps provided by @Lemonady
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[@Cidsherenow]

I listened to this on your ask Kati anything pod (thank you for both options!!) rethinking the role anger has is such a challenge but so so good to hear and shift my thinking about

[@SurferJoe1]

Helped me too.

[@keithagee8972]

What about this consideration... How NATURALIZED are you to the culture of persons you are compelled to work with/for? What I'm thinking is... 12 step programs, Al-Anon, NAMI, spiritual retreats & such...will be where you can see your "proverbial constituents" & the "functionales"/coping method they utilize. The world is "introvert bias". kzbin.info/www/bejne/nJC6onp5ps-Bd80 ... kzbin.info/www/bejne/p3nIoqRsl5uJqtksi=wDD3AtAQYHM9v7-w

[@Tormekia]

If a bird has broken wings, it can't be blamed for not flying away. Gotta heal the wings first. Therapy heals the wings.

[@psych0ticangelll]

😢❤

[@Mushroom321-]

Yes!!!😮😮😮

[@slbarbieri1725]

"You're too sensitive. You're too needy!" Boy did I hear that growing up!

[@opticalman6417]

i had that as well narc parents say that to take the spot light off themselves

[@yonatan_max_art]

Gaslighting is the worst

[@MykeWinters]

My god, that’s what I got and I’m still getting it off those closest to me. Your comment, validates me, thank you so much for taking the time and will to comment. I wish you nothing but kind thoughts 🙏☮️

[@Phil1982]

The question about the therapist not going into the causes of depression was very interesting. I went to some CBT sessions a few years ago and felt the same way. In fact the weekly worksheets and anticipation of the sessions ended up causing more anxiety and so i stopped going.

[@debs.9612]

My therapist told me: "Being human is messy."❤😊

[@Lemonady]

Timestamps! Q1 - 1:12 Q2 - 6:55 Q3 - 21:31 Q4 - 28:23 Q5 - 44:10 Q6 - 48:18 Q7 - 56:49 Q8 - 1:03:49 Q9 - 1:07:22

[@MrBungle900]

You’re my favourite online YT mental health time stamping warrior, @Lemonady. Hugest love 🤗🤗🤗🤗☺️♥️

[@Lemonady]

@@MrBungle900 You're Welcome! 🤗

[@SurferJoe1]

You're unusually excellent today, Kati- in top form, even for you. Normally I can listen to you talk for an hour about things that don't apply to me and I'm still educated, encouraged, and soothed by your steady voice and intelligence and your command of the subject, and your humanity. Today it's all just a little but better, maybe because so much of it is hitting the target with me. I'll never say it enough, but thank you so much.

[@rodanvsandrew]

These topics are eerily relevant...

[@momoso143]

Agreed! These are the topics uncovered by digging deep

[@CplBaker]

Like every episode is a literal question I have asked myself. It's interesting to me that sometimes it's still hard to think about myself even in the smallest ways.

[@Louisyed]

Regarding the idea of being "too much" and "too needy" I would also say that someone doesn't have to have said that to you directly if they have given you that sense. I don't recall my mother telling me I was too much, but if I shared difficult emotions with her it became all about how she couldn't cope with how I felt. So the sense I got was that I am too much and my emotions can't be coped with. That's how I still feel now if I have a crisis.

[@kendallmarie9761]

@Louisyed

[@CaptaNovious]

One way of understanding (or understanding that I cannot understand) that some people do terrible things occurred to me while learning programming logic - Some people have a wildly different operating system. Much like Windows documents used to get corrupted when opened in Mac software (or vice-versa), when an abusive person meets a peaceful (live-and-let-live) person, the interactions between the two can get corrupted. But, instead of crashing - like software - we humans endure (or on the other side cause) a lot of illogical irrational things. It´s okay to not understand that some people were "okay" with doing horrible things. Recognizing that you don´t understand how anyone could do such horrible things, also means that you know what is good for you and what you deserve - to get back to the programming analogy... You know what your rule-set your operating system works with and where to get your bug fixes (great Bug-fixer: Kati Morton).

[@joeminella5315]

"Living Well is the best revenge"

[@darkwishwillow136]

A lyric from Citizen soldier, if you haven’t heard of em, go listen, they’re life changing

[@natalieedelstein]

I'll also add to the first question that I've heard providers use the word complex/complicated to mean that *the path forward is unclear for any reason*--whether it's what Kati said of an unclear diagnosis, a person with a lot of diagnoses that have a challenging interplay that make the path forward unclear, someone who cannot participate in typical interventions for the diagnosis they have due to other conditions they have, etc.

[@ElijahPerrin80]

I am disabled now after a long attempt to ignore my symptoms believing I simply had muscle and nutritional symptoms, I slowly found it harder and harder to maintain my composure to the demanding standards of my profession as pain increased and I managed to fill my life with distractions. I focussed on other peoples problems and realized I needed to turn in my keys and just stay in treatment because I had let stress hormones and the products of pain to make me irrational and emotional, I had to stop and focus on myself to realize I need to focus on my health and began to help myself with a dissociative disorder. I realized I am actually very physically damaged and I was ignoring the pain from a broken back and neck and ankylosing spondylitis slowly took over my body while I was looking outward. I have been doing my best to manage the pain and get my body working again settling on keeping my joints moving and finding medications to help me with the pain. One of the most important part of my job was identifying physical ailments because it is impossible to fix a brain if the body is screaming in pain just to ignore my own philosophy and try and fix my mind before fixing my body. I still have problems with wanting help or asking for help, we are the hardest patients. But it is so much more, I question my own sanity, question if I am this sick or If I can do more just to try and realize I cannot increase my demands on my body in a cycle that is hard to break. Part of me wants to do everything I know I am capable to realize I am not able nor capable. I am now a partial paraplegic looking at wheelchairs as an eventual hell I will do anything to avoid and hoping I can avoid morphine in the future as my pain grows daily. Oddly I have never been happier, i feel healthy and the handful of pills leaves me feeling ... ok but able to ignore the pain lol, and not become Dr Jeckle as long as I know my limits.

[@ababy6074]

I suffered incredible pain for three full years and I learned that psychological pain/trauma can actually activate the pain pathways of the physical body and cause extreme pain. EXTREME! It can become unbearable, but there is an excellent book called Explain Pain that is extremely helpful in understanding this and how it works. I would love you to give it a go. There's multiple things that can help but there's also been research saying that just the knowing and understanding of how chronic pain can be occurring this way for you is one of the most effective means of pain reduction, and I've experienced this myself! Also, the app called Curable absolutely backs this up and this was something that completely changed my life. I'd recommend it highly if you have any kind of chronic pain. Please try this! Xxx

[@laurapriedite4951]

Hi, Kati. Thank you so much for answering my question. My question was the one about rage spirals. A bit of follow up. 1. I know people for whom anger is motivating. So I get it. For me personally I go into this almost freeze state. Anger on the outside paralyzes me. You've talked about learned helplessness. For some reason it resonated with my anger issue. Even though I don't know the link between them. For me anger is more like that- I feel so trapped and get so angry that I can't take any action. Like I'm not allowed to take action. Because... my mother never did. As a child I could sense her getting cued up, but nothing changed. So I learned to be powerless in very abusive situations. Still to this day- even though I want to destroy and fight, I just freeze. At least outwardly. And it all turns inward. The only thing I end up destroying is myself. I don't know if it made sense. 2. Could you please elaborate more on how to healthily express anger? Especially physically? I can write angry letters and tear them up all day long and while my mind gets calmer, my body doesn't. That feeling of "stuckness yet wanting to punch" never leaves my body. Never has. For years. I have tried things you've suggested for feeling anxious/disregulated (full body shakes, cold shower/humming), they don't really work.

[@ababy6074]

What about screaming or swearing as loud as you can inside your car? Or taking up something really physical /aggressive like kickboxing to help you physically release some of that anger? Would that help?

[@momoso143]

I have felt this way for years! I’m looking forward to listening to this.

[@EvalenaSheets-of7zb]

I love listening to your podcast I have terrible anxiety and and struggle with self harm so I also learn from your podcast. Keep up the good work ❤

[@EvalenaSheets-of7zb]

I often listen to your podcast when I'm doing school work and it puts me in a very focused mood lol

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I wish you the best in your healing ❤

[@EvalenaSheets-of7zb]

Thanks I appreciate that

[@chestnut1279]

this is so astounding. how is it that i'm only hearing all this now. this is just so 100% right. I'm also proud to say I do some of these techniques you've mentioned which is prob why i'm still here.

[@nancyliawoods]

Thank you Kati, I always find something of value within these videos, I really enjoy listening to you as it really gets me thinking and is also soothing. Be well ❤

[@ababy6074]

Me too, it always teaches me something about issues that I've had or someone I know has had. I especially like learning more about trauma which seems to be so much more common than I ever thought.

[@WayneSmith]

This episode really helped me a lot, Kati. I appreciate your comments about how to talk about things that make us feel dysregulated with our therapists. I've personally dealt with being told my feelings are incorrect by my close family and it's isolated me quite a bit for the last year. I think I can now vocalize this to be able to discuss with my therapist.

[@ababy6074]

So glad to see the questions written in the description Kati!❤

[@kaytlynbarrett7693]

im struggling so bad right now and i just found your page, thank you for giving me hope. 🖤🖤

[@MykeWinters]

With me, it has its root as me feeling I’m not believed. I’m on the spectrum and dealing with both childhood sexual abuse and relationship abuse. The last ex really destroyed all my coping mechanisms and I’m having to start again. The amount of gaslighting and dismissiveness I get, no wonder I feel this way, already have issues with trust and blame myself for all of it….if I had any hair I’d rip it out in frustration

[@rinaconstantine2891]

Thanks

[@tamiwigginton7137]

This one is a very good one!! Love the colors of the new shirt!!❤

[@user-gv7eh1ei4z]

Hi Kati! Thanks for the podcast this week. I was wondering if you could make a video about OSDD (Otherwise specified dissociative disorder), and get into the types symptoms and causes? Thanks for all that you do!

[@ellieD23]

A little late to the game watching this but I was having a tough week and this episode really helped me ❤ Especially question number 6. Thanks so much Kati. You really are the best.

[@kendallmarie9761]

[@ellieD23]

@@kendallmarie9761 Thank you so much ❤️ xoxo

[@Pinkrhodonite]

I have ASD. I have problems in social situations that I don't understand. Like when I was in school kids used to oink at me and throw food because I've always been fat. So, now I try to go to a cafeteria and I don't understand how it works and I can't operate in it. Or, there is an awkward situation where I'm waiting for someone else to do their job so I can do mine but, I don't know how to get them to do the thing so I can do the other thing. I've been practicing imaginary social interactions in my head my entire life so I can figure out how to behave but, there are nuances to everything that can make the situation incomprehensible to me. Then, I don't know what to do and I become overwhelmed.

[@freedomforusa1658]

I've spent years trying to repair or cure myself from the trauma of a abussive parent and family, the isolation is probably not healing, not being able to reach out and have real friends.

[@anasimeonovic4160]

Always thumbs up then read ❤

[@ZAB_Nailz]

Where do you ask questions for you to answer on your podcast?

[@aam6545]

Community tab of AKA & OTDM channel.

[@70kers]

I know other my therapist she has been trying to get my head above water. But honestly I think I really do need to break down the shell I put over all of my emotions. So I need to let them out. Mostly anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear.

[@Cliohna]

47:50 Did anyone else laugh as much as I did at the "woo-aah" (or whatever)? 😆

[@bellaluce7088]

Possible answer: Because an online therapist I've trusted for years listed "Fun" Facts about narcissists in a video supposedly about Why I attract narcissists and it felt dismissive, invalidating, and disrespectful of the abuse and harm I suffered?

[@lisacrow5762]

Love your tshirt Kati! Love all your help too thank you ❤

[@psych0ticangelll]

Hi kati do you have any videos or plan on making any videos to do with bpd and how to help/soothe yourself when a therapist isn’t an option?

[@cindyperez1085]

Is OTDM finished or on a new platform? I am really missing it. I don’t mean to put pressure on you and Sean. It’s just that it was something I looked forward to so much every week.

[@Katimorton]

Hi Cindy, we are coming back shortly. Had to adjust our schedule due to some other work deadlines but we will be back in a few weeks! Sorry for the delay :) and thank you for reaching out!!! We miss doing the pod as well.

[@cindyperez1085]

@@Katimorton so glad you’re going to continue OTDM. It’s so fun to listen to and watch.

[@hellopeople1824]

Is it true that if I go to a therapist and get diagnosed with anything, they will write it to my health book? If yes, is there any other way?

[@user-kp8do9bp8c]

I never made up my own problems they were real such as when I noticed last year that my adult sister stoled 500 dollars from the purse that I hide inside my backpack from under my bed and I keep complaining about it to my mom but she kept ignoring me and kept doing she she was doing and she said “that was a long time ago that I happened” thinking that is wasn’t important to her, so I punched her head for ignoring me when I bring up about the money being stolen, then she threaten to call the police on me for that when she is suppose to call the police on my adult sister for stealing my money

[@mariaioannou7770]

Life is cruel but also worth living it. We are all going to die sooner or later. But life is to be lived. If you believe in goodness, give your kindness to the world and carry your struggles with compassion ❤️

[@user-zf4sv8fq2v]

Wow. I really wish i watched this when i had psychiatrist. I think the reason why i feel like it's never helped is because i never learned how to properly communicate to my psychiatrist how i am feeling

[@oneflyguy1949]

I don't need to make up problems because I have enough real ones

[@larissakraszewski7703]

Hey guys where do we submit questions? ❤

[@aam6545]

Community tab of AKA & OTDM channel.

[@larissakraszewski7703]

@@aam6545 thank you so much!

[@siriushp0904]

What’s the meaning behind the safety pin necklace?

[@chestnut1279]

i notice therapists don't like to dive too deep. when i was younger they did dive more. nowadays, like along with some sort of societal change, therapists don't dive as deep. it's interesting.

[@kreasiw]

try emdr. It has been such a deep dive and so hard, but so liberating. Years of talk therapy never came close.

[@tablecloth1943]

hii i was wondering where i could send in a question?

[@thepainteduniverse3648]

It’s the Discovery Dozen, actually. The dirty dozen is for organic fruit. 😆🍒🍓

[@moons4363]

Interesting

[@ArchiduquesaMA]

American therapies rush into drugs too quick, in my country therapist tend to not diagnose right away and let the patient heal without a label attached to them. Also instead of giving drugs, they treat mental illness like addiction rehab and let the patient go through the stages of “feeling the symptoms” cause it actually helps the therapy and the road of the patient to fight them back, that can take months but they wont encourage pills. Personally that helped me a lot, I had what an american therapist would call depression and anorexia, and Im very happy my therapist didn’t sedate the symptoms with drugs or straight up diagnose me with anything, so I could fully be conscious of the symptoms without a diagnosis that would put me in a box. feeling like shit was useful, like when your going throw withdraws form addiction rehab, when you come out of it on your own (of course with the help of psychoanalysis) it feels a lot better than being dependent of drugs. Both my mother and sister did psychoanalysis with antidepressant and they had simnifically worst results than me

[@tamiwigginton7137]

❤❤❤

[@chronicpain5220]

This is fun

[@slr4092]

I nervous laugh All the time.

[@chronicpain5220]

Need the long videos.

[@mannkaur6354]

Kati please please please and please talk about slut shaming and the trauma it causes. I was slut shamed by my family and it has taken a toll on my mental health. I have severe anxiety disorder and cptsd. The slut shaming happened when i was 17 and now i am 29 but i havent been able to process that trauma. Thanks a lot kati . Love your work

[@chronicpain5220]

Ooh. Ive been like, manipulative too. Can u keep doing these dor me cuz i Dont know. I didnt kniw i couldnt run away

[@moisesrosas7916]

Tengo varias respuestas: 1. Como Taylor Swift que hace acuerdos prenupciales probablemente si. 2. Jum.. because life is about confronting problems all time etc etc. 3. No se.

[@LiveFaustDieJung]

Umm need that shirt haha 🩷

[@brentwilbur]

Technically, all our psychological problems are in our heads. I tell you... I used to have a lot of panic attacks, but it was liberating when I realized "I'm just crazy. Reality itself isn't about to collapse around me and I won't be trapped in agonizing eternity forever. I'm just crazy."

[@user-bi8pn7nf9y]

My therapist quit me?

[@tabitas.2719]

Sorry to hear that! It is common to "phase out"/many therapies have the goal of the client/patient no longer needing it... But this sounds different? I'm sure she's made a video about this topic as well, if you wanna learn more; if you just wanted to share your incredulity, please disregard the second half of my comment.

[@user-bi8pn7nf9y]

She said she didn't know how to help me. Didn't really surprise me.

[@Angel-xu3ul]

⁠@@user-bi8pn7nf9y I had this experience with my first therapist he said something like I wasn’t even trying and didn’t know how to help me i remember it made me feel bad and “unfixable” but now I recognize I feel like a therapist might say something like this because they are not confident enough in their own ability to help you and project that onto the client , ended up getting a different therapist who was way better and patient and a lot more understanding

[@ryannesumbry4130]

Time stamps anyone

[@tabitas.2719]

Yes, someone commented them. 😊

[@tabitas.2719]

(@Lemonady, or you can find them in the description)

[@veronicafaulkner683]

I allies Blair my salf red me

[@chronicpain5220]

So what would u say to me cuz

[@framestomind7548]

just talking here is not enough for us being victims of domestic and narcissistic abuse and violence... there need to be more done ones one open up and talk here ...

[@Ahmed_Phenomenal_Ali]

❤❤❤