Why do I Feel So Guilty?

This video discusses the feelings of guilt that many children of narcissistic parents struggle with.
Many children of narcissists may not be aware that they are usually in the service of others and do not really do anything just for themselves or consider their wants and needs to be important.
If they do something for themselves or if they do not do something which other people want them to do, they may feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.
Children of narcissists become an adapted version of themselves, as they try to become what their narcissistic parent wants, as children need love and acceptance - it also minimises the conflict, to an extent, and protects the individual from the feelings of abandonment, rejection and the fear of falling apart. Their real self, which was never approved of or accepted becomes suppressed.
Disapproval was strongly expressed by the parent through anger or rejection when the child tried to become their real authentic and independent self. The child was rewarded for being submissive, clingy and obedient and being what the parent wanted the child to be.
The adapted self is a complex system of defences, and we present it to the world and to ourselves as the ‘real’ us.
Guilt is one of the emotions which keeps this in place.
James F. Masterson was an American Psychiatrist who specialised in narcissistic and borderline personality disorder. He wrote an excellent book for the layman entitled: The Search for the Real Self- Unmasking the Personality Disorders of our Age, where he writes about this crippling sense of guilt.
“Guilt is the ‘fifth column’
(of 6 - the others being Depression, Panic, Rage, Helplessness and Emptiness)
behind the patient’s front line of defences. The…Guilt is not the ‘reasonable’ guilt that a person feels when he genuinely does something that he believes is wrong - guilt that is appropriate for an injury or harm caused to another. Appropriate guilt for the right reasons and in the right degree oils the wheels of society and keeps us civilised.
(This)…guilt is another matter. It is fed by the guilt we internalise in early childhood from the disapproval expressed by the mother for self-actualisation or individuation (terms for discovering, asserting and becoming our unique selves). It is then reinforced later in childhood and in adolescence.
Even after striking out on our own, a strong reprimanding voice, fixed in the psyche, reminiscent of parents, teachers and authority figures from the past can echo down the corridors of time in our daily lives when we entertain those special thoughts and wishes we know would, in the past, elicit disapproval.
The real self’s genuine urges, however- starting a new career, beginning a relationship with someone, moving out of town, spending an evening away from the family, spending a little extra money on a new hobby or pastime - should not produce guilt feelings.
When the false self is solidly in control, those harmless, natural desires for self-expression can trigger the voice of warning, the rebukes, the disapproval we have kept locked in our psyches over the years.
In people who have a strong sense of their real selves, such undertakings do not provoke guilt…. for people with an impaired real self, however, the guilt produced by this warning can be as paralysing as it was when they were five years old. They feel guilty about that part of themselves that wants to individuate.”
Avoiding Feeling Guilty
The adapted self may cling to someone to take care of it as a strategy (this could be their parent or a parent substitute such as a partner) to avoid feeling guilty and many children of narcissists will assume that passive role. They may feel they need to be told what to do in some way as having opinions, making decisions or trying to find their own way in life feels too threatening.
The natural desire for self-expression (of the real self) triggers the defence of feeling guilty and then those natural desires of the real self are suppressed.
childrenofnarcissists.org.uk/
sarahgrahamcounselling.com/

[@tammietravis2395]

Will be 54 in a week & am just now realizing how my childhood stunted my ACTUAL growth. 🤯

[@KatWoodland]

Me too sweetie. It’s never too late to reparent yourself. I am doing my best.

[@Devi-tg8fh]

Same here

[@user-ey4rc5tu4t]

Guilt for enjoying anything, ever.

[@annettestockman7015]

I’ve always told people, the main currency in my relationship with my mother is guilt. Her grave stone will say “Annette, so do you feel guilty now?!”. Also, any slight expression of passion or emotion growing up was immediately labelled as “anger” and I was made to feel guilty. I now spend my whole life “shrinking to fit” other people so as not to outshine them.

[@Devi-tg8fh]

I understand you, do not shrink anymore🙏

[@kewslee9]

It’s so difficult especially when your siblings don’t see what you do feel xx

[@loganross1861]

Listening to this gives me anxiety and I want to just run away, like I can hardly stand to think about where it may come from-the often feeling guilty and weird when there’s no reason for it

[@jalisamoore8633]

I bawled my eyes out watching this because I finally for once can say I finally know where all this guilt is coming from. Never felt loved or accepted for who I was as a kid. Now as an adult I feel guilty for everything I say and do. I am heavily influenced by my parents, the comments they make and I’ve come to believe that I’m the problem. Always have been and always will be. It is the most empty and devastating feeling in the world to be blamed for everything…

[@L0rar3]

Guilt and shame are the worst to me because these feelings visit me daily. It's out f the ordinary when they're not there for once. I started working from a pretty young age and was taught that I never work enough. At 19 y.o., when I moved out, I had 6 days of work from 5:00am to 10:30pm per week and it was tearing me apart. But still, it wasn't enough. Moving out was the best decision I ever made but the scars stay. I can't relax, can't do something "for fun" without feeling guilty about it. Being in this constant state of stress makes me feel like I can never rest. I catch myself almost running, holding my breath or breathing like I'm running a marathon everyday and I can't quite fight the urge to stay on guard because it happens without me even noticing most of the time. I hope I'll get over this at some point. It's super exhausting to always feel like I have to flee or fight. Some people fear the fear but I fear the absence of it. The fear comes with a feeling of safety and I hate that

[@barrymacfarlane4701]

While driving today I felt guilt about something I needed to do, but put off until the end of the day and then when I put in the effort to get it done, couldn't because not enough time. My mind started to spiral, I started beating myself up internally and then I had a strange but enlightening thought... When I was a kid my dad would severely over react to minimal problems, and when I did "something wrong" the punishment would not match the crime, he would yell until he turned red and vains popping out of his forehead, he would charge at and sometimes hit me if I made him really mad and would often say (youre good for awhile but every 10 months act up and I need to put you in your place with a smack) . At some point around 8 years old whenever I would mess up I would just lie to him because I did not want to deal with his reactions and judgment. But Iv always felt guilty about lying and at some other point in my life I would lie about my feelings so I wouldn't have to look for validation through communicating them because I could not communicate feelings or issues to my dad without him minimizing them or over reacting (that was so damaging to many of my relationships), but I digress, throughout my life I would lie to protect myself even from minor consequences because in my mind I would feel the consequences and outside judgment as this huge thing I needed to avoid, but I would also feel guilty about avoiding the consequences and feel like I did deserve a punishment that could happen. And I would get stuck in this loop of guilt until I finally did the correct action to resolve whatever "mistake" it is I was trying to avoid the consequences of. There are some bigger things in my life I take responsibility and accountability for easily that I dont feel guilt over and willing to take whatever punishment may come from it especially if it effects or could effect another person, but other things the guilt feeling is far worse then the mistake or inaction involved and really seems more like small inconveniences to myself or others that I feel the most guilt about. I hate feeling disappointed in myself and it makes me feel very guilty.

[@janehale4402]

I have been listening to therapists and experts on Narcissism for a year now, and I have learnt a lot about how damaging an effect Narcissism has on its victims, this though is the first time I have really understood the role that guilt played and still plays in suppressing my real self.Thank you so much for this video.

[@DosBear]

It's not only that they don't have empathy for your situation but they actually seem to derive pleasure from your struggles and failures. Those, I told you so, or kick a horse when it's down moments, that just come as a part of life at times, really seem to please them and give them some sense of superiority. It's actually psychopathic in nature. Don't dare to expect them to take you in and help you get back on your feet as they will put the nail in the coffin and reject you which can be fully traumatizing. The best thing I can suggest is to become fully independent and go NO CONTACT as soon as possible and remove any influence they may have on your life moving forward. Otherwise, you will spend a lifetime listening to them make you feel less than & degrade you as they throw all your past failings in your face as well as put down all your present efforts to survive. The parent/s & sibling/s will delegitimize your feelings as a way to make you feel guilty when in fact they're just being fully selfish as opposed to really stepping up and being a normal helpful healthy family. The parent/s will take no responsibility for the lifetime of emotional dysfunction or neglect that took place which brought you to this place in the first place. Sound familiar? That's the true harshness of coming from a fully emotionally dysfuctional family. Good luck.

[@tocodreams5910]

Thank you for writing this out, really served as a helpful reminder to me ❤

[@DosBear]

@@tocodreams5910 I'm glad it helps in some way. You're welcome.

[@TexasRain45]

@@DosBearwhat you wrote is so true I couldn’t have said it better in fact you said things I experienced word for word almost. You are so right about the pleasure they get from it and it is so hard to understand it because we don’t think that way. Thank you for this because it helps me to feel validated and not crazy for what my parents did and still do.

[@DosBear]

@@TexasRain45 You are welcome. All the best to you. Cheers

[@blissful_soul175]

Hi I am 27 , I also faced very humiliation in childhood and also faced rejection so from that onwards in my mind I felt somewhere as I am not good enough, talking with people is like something task I need to perform, as I don't want to let them know my sadful aura, or the aura which is full of hate for myself, but I found that it is not my mistake that I felt all the feelings, that is because I am in wrong place as no one can understand who am I, as because I also don't, so that happens, that doesn't mean I am very disgusting and whoever comes close to me would suffer the pain, hate , disliking, I kind of locked myself in the situation where someone is prezing me loving me but I am not able to get it, I am running away from it, as the feelings came in my mind I can't accept myself how can I love someone else

[@Adrianafaith123]

My narcissistic mother is 92. I feel guilty each time I think of her. I feel bad I don't live close by to her. She wants me to move so I can be close to her. She tells me she misses me and sounds angry when she tells me that. I work and support myself. In order for me to move closer I'd have to find a job, find an apartment and move myself, all which makes me feel exhausted. She's 92 and due to her age I could loose her at anytime. I've told her in the past that i'd move closer to her and never did, which caused a lot of resentment on her side. I've just trying to live my life, put myself through school and started a new career. I'm 59 so it's a lot for me to just start a new career at this point, never mind the thought of moving myself as well. But I feel guilty I'm not close to her.

[@whygohome172]

People that love you do not make you feel fear, obligation or guilt (fog). They care more about YOUR happiness than their own.

[@nancybartley4610]

I understand your dilemma. She should move to where you are working. Other than that suggestion, I do not have the answer to your issue because i faced a similar one and still can not work out if I am wrong, right or a mixture of both. I will play with a possible answer: Determine what her actual health is. She needs to give you access to her doctors. Then you can find out exactly what her needs are. Ask what services her health service provides for aging seniors. Is there a visiting nurse? Etc. She needs to reveal all her financial issues to you and give you power of attorney. Does she own her home? What are her assets? Can she afford senior housing near you? Many 92 year olds are still quite capable of taking care of themselves but know there isn't probably more that 5 to 10 years remaining. They are scared just like we will one day be when our time comes. Find out what other resources to support her are in her area. Church, friends, neighbors other relatives, government services, meals on wheels. She is probably very lonely. Increasing her human contacts may solve a lot for her. Call her as often as you are comfortable doing so. Drop cards to her in the mail. If you can afford to send a little gift now and then do so. Set up a computer for her with zoom or do facetime. If she can't afford this or doesn't know how to do it, find someone in her neighborhood who could facilitate this for her. Perhaps a social worker could help. They can do a lot, like regular visits. Maybe someone in her church or a church that offers help could help with computer for zoom. In other words, start doing whatever you are able to do. You will at least know that you tried. Tell her you regret that you can not move at this time. Explain that that doesn't mean you did mean to do so but that circumstances have changed to preclude you doing so. Explain that you can't afford to lose your job. I am assuming this is true. You have to be honest with yourself about that. I hope that is not offensive, but it is an important point. Can you get a good, secure job in her area? This is such a difficult issue. We find out a lot about ourselves during these times. I certainly did. Each of us has to come to terms with who we are. Our parents made us and perhaps they have to take some responsibility for how our relationship with them plays out. However, we also need to live up to our beliefs about who we are. That is the hardest part.

[@stealthwarrior5768]

What if your mother remains angry and unhappy with you once you ruin your life to live near her? Nothing seems to make mine happy, no matter the personal sacrifices I make to keep her happy. The personal sacrifices are crushing.

[@nancybartley4610]

@@stealthwarrior5768 You are right to consider the possibilities you listed. If she has a history of never being happy, that might suggest you are onto something. You are in a difficult spot. I know this from going thru a similar experience with my mom two years ago when she died. The story is far too detailed to tell and only of interest to me as I try to figure it out. I responded to your situation because I am still in the throes of anguish of not being there for her. I suspect she would not have been any happier had I been, but I am paying the price for not. The last three years of my life have been hell. I do hope you find a solution that will provide you freedom from guilt.

[@barlowwe]

I live 2 minutes from my narcissistic mother, spend 5 hours with her every Friday and 2 hours every Sunday morning, take care of all her bills etc., and do random tasks for her whenever she needs it while working full time and trying to live my own life. It still isn't enough. She tells anyone who will listen that she moved to be close to me because I told her I would be able to see her more often, which I do, but it still isn't enough. I feel constant guilt that I don't do enough for her, which is ridiculous because I obviously do. I need to stop blaming her though; only I can rid myself of this guilt. I need to free my authentic self and stop apologizing for who I am.

[@diptironge2819]

i feel so guilty all the time , i don’t know whom to talk to many times!!

[@theperfectautumn8781]

This is spot on, describing my entire life with my malignant narc father.

[@UnovianPrincess]

does this include me feeling guilty for enjoying my life. It's like, the moment I start to feel happy I feel like, wait a minute, there are abused children out there, there are homeless people out there, how dare I enjoy my life. I am just an awful self centered person for not considering the ones who truly suffer. Is that the same thing?

[@nicoledburns82]

After years of being told it can't be that bad I sent all the texts and emails from my narc sibling to my parents. They said they had no idea and are completely ashamed and in shock. They are going to seek a therapist for them two to figure out how to handle all this and I'm the one who feels guilty for showing then the abuse I've gone through. My husband says I did the right thing and my parents keep apologizing for not stepping in so shy do I feel ashamed like I should apologize?

[@rajaeamrani9936]

I always feel guilty even if i know for sure that it’s not my fault and,, it killed me 😢 i have been searching , i figure out that my father was a narcissist who broke me into pieces .. i am empath and i really love my mom and my siblings.. mom always has been my ride or die ♥️ now i figure out that my little brother that i love and care about being so toxic and never admit his fault and i feel sad and guilty .. i wish he wouldn’t be like my father ans sister 😢😢 Thank you so much 🙏🏻you helped me to know so many things.

[@childrenofnarcissists]

Hi Rajae, I am happy this video was helpful. Take care.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Today, I found myself feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for being used by evil people to hurt good people in my life. I have recently reconnected with a friend from college, who has been really great and very welcoming / trusting with me. I can't help but to feel guilt that "if only" I had seen what was right in front of my eyes back then (that he was as interested in me as I was in him), I could have prevented his later decades of pain and suffering. Of course, I could not have. My thinking was completely screwed up back then, thanks to a narcissistic mother and flying monkey siblings. I would have spent the entire relationship trying to turn him into my first love, as I had done subconsciously with every relationship before and after that. It would have never worked. God's timing is perfect. I reconnected with this former friend / love interest after going through some harrowing repressed memory retrieval. That feels like a gift from God for having suffered / paid the price for daring to love and be loved as a youth. It's precious to me, and valuable beyond what it may have been all those years ago. I must realize that (1) it's not my fault that evil people manipulated me into hurting people who have been good to me and (2) that it is better that my mental health is in much better shape lately that it had been for the first 52 years of my life. Also, (3) better late than never. His forgiving nature is cherished; it may have been second-guessed or its sincerity questioned had we gotten together as young adults.

[@kaynock1585]

Good video, very informative. This resonates with me as I have an elderly overt narcissistic father. We were estranged for years but we kind of worked things out (or rather I agreed to take 100% blame when it wasn’t my fault). It is super difficult, he criticises everything I do, shames me constantly and always manages to make me feel not good enough. I am a practicing Christian so I’m going to take care of my parents until the end but it is so very hard. It’s like playing a psychological game of chess you can never win!

[@childrenofnarcissists]

Thank you. Yes, it's psychological warfare. So hard to deal with.

[@KatWoodland]

Protect your energy. The narc may end up living longer.

[@amadahyrose]

It is also spiritual warfare. As a Christian, pls consider and take care.

[@gardening0]

OMG Iam guilty all my day thinking only about it.Not able to convince myself and others.

[@beadingbelle3486]

I grew up in a narcissistic household with a physically violent father & weak enabler but cruel mother - i was the scapegoat, my brother the golden child. My husband grew up in a narcissistic family with a v.controlling covert narc mother who had muschausens by proxy, & weak enabler father, & a golden child brother - he himself was the golden child until his brother came along. My husband feels such guilt & shame at the slightest thing, eg., if i ask him where the kitchen cloth has gone as it's usually always on the sink, he will fly into a rage, saying he hasn't had it & why am i always accusing him? I keep telling him i'm not, nor will i ever be, his mother. He treats me & speaks to me the way he wished he'd have had the guts to treat & speak to his mother when he was growing up & living with her.

[@Alaynaisawesome]

I am so glad these videos are here... It's hard to watch them though lol. Not because of you... But the topic. I'll watch soon enough.. Have a comment for the algorithm though 👌

[@childrenofnarcissists]

Thank you and take care.

[@TheHostofHeaven]

Thank you!

[@Angell_Lee]

Thank you so much, amazing channel!

[@nh255]

exactly what i need to hear. ❤

[@maruragone1917]

thank u this was really helpful

[@barlowwe]

Thank you for this video! I feel guilty when I am assertive or setting a boundary with a someone. Then, based off the negative reaction I receive from the person, I feel guilty and take it back...throw my needs out the window...and I'm right back to where I was before...being taken advantage of or being mistreated in some way. I undermine myself and constantly question my own sanity. I'm so overwhelmed by this cycle that I don't know which way is up or down anymore. I just bought the Masterson book recommended in this video. I don't want to pay for therapy even though I need it. Does anyone have any other books they can recommend to help with these feelings?

[@aaddaamm1100]

Wow I feel like that. Remember all kind of things with my mother

[@369dleeza]

Thank you for this useful information ❤

[@childrenofnarcissists]

I'm glad it's helpful.

[@nancybartley4610]

Can a person feel all these things and not have been raised by a narcissist?

[@childrenofnarcissists]

There can be many reasons why a child may not be able to be themselves and then have guilt when they do. Perhaps the parent was co-dependent, in addiction, had another type of personality disorder or had mental health issues, maybe there was physical illness or the illness of a sibling and this was the reason that the child felt invisible, or unheard and was not able/allowed to be themselves. Maybe shyness and introversion can also be factors?

[@HeartFeltGesture]

There is something called the Family Projection System, this family dynamic also creates a scapegoat with guilt, but isnt a narcissistic dynamic, the abuse is more unconscious by the family. There is a good therapist on youtube who discusses this dynamic. www.youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse

[@vivdoolan6846]

The feeling of emptiness is just never going to go away or heal is it ? My mother really damaged me.

[@childrenofnarcissists]

I'm sorry you are struggling with feelings of emptiness. Keep doing what you are doing (you have already learned what the issue is, you are coming to an understanding of it through watching videos like this and this will lead to an understanding of yourself as; knowledge = understanding = self-compassion and self-awareness and this changes your relationship with yourself) and you will get to a better place. childrenofnarcissists.org.uk/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/

[@didgeridoothedeepmechanics]

Does this apply to histrionic personality disorder as well? If you had a histrionic mother for example? Thanks!

[@childrenofnarcissists]

Histrionic PD belongs to the same group (cluster B) of personality disorders as Narcissistic PD so it is very possible.

[@user-lu1ex2io4p]

What is your Name? Are you a doctor?