Why do men with ATTACHMENT issues struggle to make NEW friends?

Do you want more male friends? But find it hard to connect to them? Many men with attachment issues find male friendships intimidating. What do these guys want from me? How am I supposed to fit in? And why are they always insulting each other?
Attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith breaks down how make friendships operate, how men bond to each other, and why attachment issues get in the way. Adam also explains why many men with attachment issues seek out female friendships instead and why that so often turns into the dreaded “friend zone.” If you struggle to make friends with either sex and if you want to learn how attachment can change your relationships forever, this video is for you.
This video is part of an ongoing series about attachment.
Male friendships are confusing to outsiders. That includes men with attachment issues who struggle to connect. It seems scary, intimidating, and too rough to join in male friendship. At the same time, these bonds are needed for good mental health. Adam explains why broken attachment leads away from male friendship, what to do about it, and how to build better friendships.
#attachment #adamlanesmith #attachmentspecialist #attachmentstyles #friendshipadviceformen
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[@AttachmentAdam]

To stay up to date and learn more about what I have been working on, sign up for my newsletter here: eepurl.com/dur-jb

[@mbrsart]

I feel like one of the turning points in my healing journey was when I had a sudden change from desiring only romance to having an even stronger desire to connect with other men I was reading _No More Mr. Nice Guy_ about a year ago. It was like a switch flipped.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Focusing on romance as the solution to your lonely problems is a losing game, because friendship is such a huge part of your quality of life. What's one major change you can share that happened after you flipped that switch?

[@mbrsart]

@@AttachmentAdam I started finding more fulfillment in the relationships I had with my peers. I think it was most obvious in my relationships with the women in my life (virtually all of whom are married). There was a certain awkwardness that vanished. It became easier to see my female friends as sisters instead of "off limits." I still have a long way to go to strengthen these relationships. Most of what's standing in my way is related to me still living with my parents for economic reasons. I'm working actively to change that in the next 12 months. I'm also trying to branch out to other areas instead of just my church that I live 45 minutes away from.

[@hspinnovators5516]

​@@mbrsartthat's awesome progress

[@Nikolebichon]

I'm 38 and finally figuring this out.... was extremely angry for a couple months when I first woke up to this.... doing better now and on the path of continual improvement. Late bloomer better than a never bloomer.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is so common. And I am so sorry it has created so much pain and anger for you. The good news is you can start addressing this now by building stronger relationships. What's your next step, do you know yet?

[@Nikolebichon]

@@AttachmentAdam Yeah I joined a gym for the first time ever 4 months ago, training in BJJ and Muay Thai 4x a week, running 3km 3x a week with a 25 lbs weighted vest, learning how to do the splits every way and handstand pushups set of 5. Seeing 2 therapists one once a week and the other once every 2 weeks. No longer people pleasing and learning how to voice my boundaries and requirements in the healthiest way I can. Being patient and positive as much as I can. But man the dating world has been brutal, I know I don't have to be perfect to be loved... but it sure feels that way.

[@deveugene7]

I had a ham radio friend who greeted me by saying, "Hi Ugly." It took me a long time to realize the correct response was, "How ya doin' Dummy!"

[@AttachmentAdam]

Classic male friendship.

[@andrewcoleman8677]

Thank you for this excellent video. I think it's so true, looking at my life. The gym, and weekly boxing class, has transformed my mental health unexpectedly and enormously.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That’s great to hear, I’m glad. 👍

[@ichdu7310]

Wrestling it's gonna be, no tea parties ! Thanks!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds good. 🤣

[@charbol2008]

I'm a woman and that seems to explain why I'm having such a hard time with being vulnerable with men in an intimate relationship. They always seem to want to take that approach which only makes me upset and pushes me away from them.

[@cokobware]

Wow this hit home. Fortunately, I've made this realization in the last 6 months, and I am slowly working at making changes to build those friendships. Thank you for sharing your insights!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear you made this connection! And prefect timing, because I just released this new book that can help you overcome any fear of rejection that’s holding you back. Give this a look: adam-smith.mykajabi.com/mastering-your-fear-of-rejection

[@cokobware]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you! I will definitely take a look at this book and likely order soon!

[@angelus_solus]

It's amusing. I have no interest in competition or challenging others, certainly not insulting them for the sake of testing for weakness. I'm too quiet, docile and withdrawn for that; too much of an introverted emotional thinker. Honestly, everything you said in this in regard to male bonding is simply incomprehensible to me. It's like learning about the culture of a foreign country where people operate on a different set of rules than your country does.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yep. But it’s useful data if/when I want to visit that other country. 🤣

[@victorkroud3642]

For certain. I’ve lived in that other country my whole life. The good news is, I know who has my back.

[@DAClub-uf3br]

I have had mostly male friends my whole life (57) and have never encountered this good natured competition you speak of.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Never, really? Wow

[@chrisperez767]

Right on the money. I just recently had a talk with my seven year old son about how boys and girls treat each other differently. Boys are typically more competitive and challenge each other and how it's a good thing for us to do. Thanks for the content!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear it’s helping already!

[@mario8694]

Super video!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, Mario. Loved your work on the SNES.

[@LikeToWatch77]

I need you to get a higher resolution camera so I can read the book titles on your shelf.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Ha! Camera is great, PC needs the upgrade to capture. Hoping to do it soon because I handpicked these books to be noticed. 😏

[@chiefcurtisbrown4604]

@@AttachmentAdam How about a separate video where you recommend the books on the shelf? Please please 🥺

[@goku-pops7918]

I do lots of wrestling and sports but still struggle with male friendship, especially intimacy

[@AttachmentAdam]

Do you engage socially with the people you do those activities with? Do you spend time together after practice, and share about yourself, and ask about others?

[@goku-pops7918]

@@AttachmentAdam yes apart from time after practice.thats what gives me anxiety.when we have an activity together it's alright

[@subhajitbanerjee9098]

Hey Adam, we've connected a few times on Twitter and I've recently found your KZbin channel. Your videos are eye-opening, to say the least. My wife and wife are devouring them and I've just bought your book. So glad that I discovered your channel! Now I know exactly what's been bothering me throughout my life and how to deal with it.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This felt great to read. Very encouraging. Thank you. What part has resonated with you the most so far?

[@subhajitbanerjee9098]

@@AttachmentAdam I grew up without a strong male role model. I created my own rules for interaction - most of them centered around people-pleasing. But a rock bottom 3 years earlier taught me the costs. Now I'm on a quest to figure out the true rules of engagement, especially with guys. I've always felt that I've no true close friends and the ones that I have don't truly know me. This video and the one about the vasopressin bond and oxytocin bonds helped a lot in that.

[@julianwarren__]

@@subhajitbanerjee9098 How is your journey going? Been encountering the exact same issues like you mentioned above

[@brunob8626]

Thank you

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks

[@pawan2647]

Lovely Maan ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I'm glad this one resonated with you. What part hit the hardest for you?

[@coreyisaiah]

Hi, This video is scarily accurate 😭 do you know of any other resources available about this topic in particular?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes! I wrote a $5 Amazon book on fixing this, Slaying Your Fear. This attachment stuff is my life’s work. Watch the earlier videos on my channel here, especially the 2nd one: What Is Attachment? Start there and see if it resonates with you.

[@coreyisaiah]

@@AttachmentAdam Thank you for replying! I bought and read your book a while ago, but I’ll read it again with this topic in mind.

[@frankmuysers6001]

I'm rooting for you to get to do a video with Jordan Peterson. So far I've learned a lot from your work, so thanks.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like fun, go recommend me! 🤣👍

[@CmoIsDaNam3i]

Do you have a video directly on aspergers? I was diagnosed with aspergers when I was around 8 or so and I find that I fit what you were talking about here with regards to other males. I also find that many of the attachment issues you talked about before and on Twitter too. I also think I may have bipolor, although not diagnosed, but I everytime I look into it fits me like a well sized glove and have had my step-mother and one of her co-workers comment on that it maybe bi-polor too. I find that all I do in my spare time is creative endeavors and I enjoy a lot most times but when I can't it becomes just purely tired or depressed. I find its really hard to figure out which one is which, and also what are the proper solutions in regards to all 3 of these things. If you have any materials or videos on this I would love to check them out. Thanks if you see this.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Have you had any testing done? There are tests to tease out the differences here and find the right diagnosis.

[@CmoIsDaNam3i]

Not exactly. In 2020 to early 2021 I had lots of traumatic experiences that built up from working a ID checker job for a miltary clinic, working around a lot of people and it all made me get put into a in-patient hospital. I also had recent blood work done. Found out my vitiamin D levels were at a 10 so I have been taking that for the past few weeks. But at least more recently its been feeling worse. Not at all sure why. I guess maybe I need more direct tests or something. Not really too sure.

[@JeffreySchwinghammer]

yeah, I wish she said that ... 2:50

[@darthit41]

This seems like it deals with anxious attachment style. But what about avoidant attachment and men? The teasing and superficial can be a way to hide from deep emotional intimacy between male friends. Guys with avoidant attachment can make friends easily but also shy away from deep dependency on people. Is there only an issue with anxious attachment or is there one with avoidant as well?

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're right, I do work with a lot of avoidant men in my coaching who have many superficial male friendships that they never go deeper into. They're often alone and lonely even with ten male friends. Learning to lean into those bonds and trust others is key to fixing avoidant attachment.

[@blakkstar1655]

I think I'm guilty of this. Or at least WAS Everything started to change when I got to varsity and joined a frat house, I didn't know what it was but it was as if my depression disappeared and I noticed that most of my liberal female friends either started to really hate me or they really wanted to "grind pelvises"... I'm honestly still tryna figure this all out, how can my healthiest feeling self be labeled "toxic"😂💔

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you’re building legitimate relationships with better attachment. That will make people love you, hate you, and crave your approval, depending on their own attachment.

[@jacobgraf7284]

My disorganized attachment style needs to go. My 20s is gonna be a decade of fundamental change and growth.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Fix the attachment and it all gets easier. Cheat code for life.

[@treadsurvival]

Men do bond over tea parties. They just bring beer.

[@AttachmentAdam]

With pretzels instead of tiaras.

[@MissingTheMark]

I've no doubt you're right about the behavior of men with attachment issues, but your description of male friendships is very foreign to me, and I've got several close male friends as well as have plenty of less close male friends. I do recognize what you're talking about as something that some men do, but I think that there's an element of cultural specificity that you're generalizing. The way I grew up, I would never insult a person, male or female, in jest. My male friends and I do work to better each other-by sharing knowledge, by arguing, by encouraging each other, etc.-but we never insult each other. I can recognize that sort of thing and don't get offended by it-and my reaction confuses my few male friends who've ever tried it with me, because it doesn't work, in that I don't respond with an insult, but it also doesn't cause a problem, because I don't take offense, and they just don't know what to do with that. E.g. "You're ugly." "We all have our faults." Or like at the archery shop where they tease me about using an 80# bow to hunt whitetail, often some variant of the deer wearing body armor, and I just joke along with them about the deer wearing body armor. (That's a bit more complicated because I'm also making clear that I'm not implying other men are inadequate for using lighter bows.) Maybe it's a nerd thing? Maybe it's some other cultural thing. My friendships with males are very different from my friendships with women, but it's a very rare circumstance indeed where I would insult someone without meaning it.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yep, there are some men like that. They’re the exception. As you said, it confuses other men.

[@oambitiousone7100]

Is the same true for a young woman who is intimidated by dating but has lots of male buddies?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’ve seen that happen too. Could be many things, not necessarily the same.

[@mrvlhs]

@@AttachmentAdam would love to see some content about this

[@dandaman9009]

What about a nice guy behaviors in men who feel more comfortable around men, and not around women? Are we cut from the same cloth? I am a lot more comfortable chilling with the boys than being around women, this video didn’t help my suicidal thoughts at all,

[@danieldavidson5220]

Why do you say "fix your attachment" and then go find the relationships. Isn't it fixed within the context of the relationship? I'm a little unclear about this nebulous "fix your attachment" concept.

[@AttachmentAdam]

If this is the first video you’ve watched on my channel, it’s normal to be confused about attachment. Check out any of my other videos which talk about assessing or fixing attachment, either of my books on fixing attachment which clinicians across the US use with patients, and my courses and guides available for fixing attachment. It’s the foundation of my work.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Whats the female version of this? Women can't bond with other women