Why I Stopped Being the "Nice Girl"

[@IevaKambarovaite]

Took me so many painful years to learn that *a nice girl very often it's just someone with really poor boundaries.* I definitely played the role..

[@MalamaLife]

Yes!!! This is so true

[@theluschmasterinc]

‼

[@anishapandab]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@Katrica670]

@@MalamaLife thank you sooo much for this vid! ❤️😊 I am new to your channel. I just subscribed. What kind of contractor?

[@foodiesworldUSA]

How do I forget this though so these previous experiences for being too nice

[@khalilahd.]

For the longest time I was this girl. I just wanted to make others comfortable and happy at all times, no matter what that meant for me. I hate to admit it but not until a few weeks ago did I realize I can no longer live this way. I was exhausted and felt lost but after celebrating a birthday a few weeks ago I decided to finally put myself first, Say what I think no matter what, and live the way I wanted. And I have to say, I’ve never felt so free so if you can relate I recommend you take the advice in this video and comment and live for you because life is too short to be unhappy 💜

[@IevaKambarovaite]

This is so true. Took me years to learn this.. By always putting others first, I too many times forgot what I wanted.

[@celia5971]

seeing u everywhere khalilah makes me so happy fr🥺😂

[@MalamaLife]

Good for you Khalilah 😍 you're so right! It's very freeing

[@DaestrumManitz]

Beautiful touchstone reminding us to just be ourselves and enjoy life! 😎

[@yu-fujoe837]

I'm struggled on making others comfortable and happy, i hope if there are steps let me refer to?

[@carolbenavidez2228]

I'm about to turn 67 and have lived my entire life as "the nice girl." With it came manipulation, severe abuse, and living a life that was not truly mine. Barely learning now how to set boundaries. If you are young, or whatever age you are, heed the wise words in this video. Thank you, Sophie, for the courage to share. 💖

[@angelaadelldawson3867]

I agree Carol. I am 61 and have lived this way all my life. It has become too much. Thank you, Sophie, for giving Words to my new Chapter of life. 💛🌾🌿

[@iamalady461]

Hugs and kisses to both of you dear ones 😘 💕 🤗.

[@julieanna8495]

I am 63 and finally figuring out all of this too. I feel guilty when I put myself first, but now realizing that the person I always put last is myself. That needs to change. I need to love myself as much as I have love others. I am just AS important as others are.

[@elenaandrew8414]

I am 59 still can not change myself.

[@carolbenavidez2228]

@@elenaandrew8414 Elena, watch KZbin videos or read self help books on loving yourself/putting yourself first/setting boundaries. Most of all, have patience with yourself. It takes time to change a lifetime of beliefs. Even a small step at a time will create the change you need. Take care!

[@emilyrose6449]

I think the biggest problem for me is I expected to get everything I did in return, I expected people to lower their boundaries for me because I didn’t even have any, and when that didn’t happen I’d be hurt. Ive realized the flaw.

[@MalamaLife]

Oh I've been there too ☹ definitely learning to give while not expecting anything in return

[@sherylb4405]

You made an excellent point. I find most people that are always expecting me to be the nice girl, are manipulative and no intent to reciprocate in any way.

[@sonuworld9947]

Omg this is really me 😢🤦

[@Katrica670]

@Emily Rose my guess is you didn't think it was lowered/absent boundaries aka uou didn't know better, but you knew that true friends and true family members etc give and take, so you were rightfully shocked when "ppl" were selfish! Am I wrong?

[@isabellagirlgang]

me too

[@ayla8345]

Problem is, if you’ve been the “nice girl” your entire life, that’s how people view you. Once you stop, people around you are gonna guilt trip you. “You’ve changed” “you’re different” My family still doesn’t like when I stand up for myself because for most of my life I’ve never done it. It’s hard for them to accept that I’m not a “nice little girl” anymore and it has caused MANY arguments

[@user-hf6cd7bc7t]

Same n they say the same thing

[@luisventura5180]

i would say that you are the youngest in your family... People tend to blame the weakest link, the most defenceless. Especialy if you have older sisters/brothers the youngest suffers for everyone else. People who do this are wrong for it. So i would argue that it's time to stop taking the covert abuse from them.

[@Pikachu-qr4yb]

I’m in that stage right now. For the past year, since coming out of the pandemic I made a choice to stop putting myself last and I think people are confused but I slowly can tell they also start respecting my standards and boundaries. At the end of the day I’m still ‘friendly’ but much more assertive

[@raindanse8466]

Same. When their old acts no longer bring out the old you, the new stronger you, is going to confuse their mindset. Saying, “No” now is so powerful and satisfying. Took me this long to clearly articulate that I come first.

[@nanadecarvalho7840]

I can relate.

[@miscellaneous7151]

Completely agree about the boundaries. I recently realized that all the anger I felt toward others, for taking advantage of me and not respecting my feelings and my time, was completely misplaced anger, because I’m the one who failed to set the boundaries and allowed myself to be treated that way. Well, for the most part, anyway, because some of the people did act like jerks at times and that’s on them not me.

[@MalamaLife]

Yes! I also had built up anger and resentment too...

[@AndreaDiaz-rc3iy]

But even thougth you didn't set boundaries, they had no rigth to treat u that way

[@nyeguono]

@@AndreaDiaz-rc3iy true in a perfect world they would but in this imperfect world, they would continue to do it for as long as you let them

[@glad5324]

@@nyeguono Yep in this World people Can cross your boundaries look all around the World,

[@PassionateFlower]

Most people are time wasting predatory psychopaths that aren't worth entertaining even a moment of your life with or getting approval from. But even "decent" people are just bumbling around in the world trying their best to survive and are going to try to manipulate you to get their needs met or act like you don't exist when you are of no use to them. They're just less malicious about it than the mentally deranged ones targeting you for truly insidious reasons. But yeah pretty much everyone sucks and the older you get, the more disillusioned you will be. Not everyone wants to get along and be friends. Pretty much all of us just seek pleasure, avoid pain, procreate, conserve energy, and try to maximize our returns for the least amount of effort exerted. There's no shame in that really, but it's a shame we've gone around trying to convince ourselves and each other otherwise for so long. That's what's truly sh*tty.

[@music4life685]

Remember girls, '' you are not responsible for other people's actions''. Being too kind only brings more pressure. Very good video. We all should have a balance. Know who your friends are .

[@MalamaLife]

❤️👏

[@torbiv8757]

I'm experiencing that pain. Friends, relationships. I do know when you stand up for yourself I'll be talked about. But, I don't care now. Im still working on my issues.

[@chitramohanraj26]

We are totally home schooled in this habit. We don't reach our friends before the habit is ingrained.

[@goldendiamon]

It's being naive that makes you feel pressured,and it's not the same as being kind

[@ericsierra-franco7802]

You can be kind and good and still be assertive.

[@MrCAppiah]

I have suffered from being "the nice person". Through constant physical and emotional abuse as a child, coupled with growing up with not much, I got lost in making others happy. At 32 I am learning to put my wants first and that it's okay to do so.

[@watitduful]

Right on brotha! That’s not selfish. How can one be an asset to others if they can’t be so to themselves right?

[@hilo5901]

I’m sorry. But I’m glad you have taken a stand at 30; it took me twice as long but I am very thankful!!

[@juliehernandez80]

You’re still so young and have lots of life to live. It’s just beginning for you. Sending well wishes, happiness, and success.

[@ilkaperez9119]

Boundaries are so important. It feels so good to say NO more and to realize to stop communicating with unhealthy people that only added hurt to my life . It’s some what a free feeling and a great value to respect myself !!

[@MalamaLife]

Yes. As much as I try to be kind, some people are very toxic and i can't change that

[@annawiszowaty1013]

I am a nice girl, it’s exhausting. I am so burned out, trying to make everyone else happy. Worrying what people think of me. I have to change and do what makes me happy, much needed video 😍 thank you 😊 love listening to you.

[@MalamaLife]

I hope you put yourself first ❤

[@jengalaxy000_00]

@@MalamaLife how to do that?

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

@@jengalaxy000_00 listen to your true needs and try to satisfy thosebneeds instead of others needs

[@AudreySeybold]

I am exhausted too, completely burnt out. Don’t know how to reset

[@maureenbennett809]

You only have to think about what GOD says you are.🙏🏼

[@TrilliumCreativeLife]

This absolutely resonates with me. I was raised to be a people pleaser mostly by my mom, sometimes intentionally. For me, it’s less about validation and all about avoiding conflict. Just agreeing, doing, not objecting, whatever, to keep things quiet, running status quo, and keeping from having to explain myself or defend myself. I would suffer silently in situations just to stay under the radar. It took me years to realize that “status quo” isn’t always worth preserving when it means I suffer and am uncomfortable. That avoiding conflict to that degree actually created all kinds of conflict within myself. Some of that being conflict over the resentment I silently felt for people whom I didn’t set boundaries with in the first place, similarly to what you described here. I’ve been giving myself permission to take up the advice of people around me that I trust, from my partner to my boss, to speak up, take up more space, throw my weight around, because I do have valid points, ideas, and needs. Having trustworthy supporters has made a huge difference in my personal growth in this area.

[@MalamaLife]

I feel you. I have also felt that silent resentment

[@Katrica670]

@ninalaurence same but mine was indoctrination from the church telling me to be a passive doormat cause God would stick up for me, all I had to do was pray, and pray, and pray some more. "If you keep the peace to avoid conflict with others, you start a war within yourself" i forgot who said this, but it is soooo true!

[@StephanieRZ]

It’s like you wrote my life for me. ♥️ Very relatable un/fortunately.

[@rebeccal.672]

For a long time I was the nice girl but, I got sick of it when somehow people think that just because you are nice they can take that opportunity to walk all over you. I am still nice but, I guess with certain people i am more cautious about how nice I am and listen more to my intuition as well. I still get burned sometimes but, not as often as I used to.

[@MalamaLife]

I also try to be careful depending on the person and the situation! Glad you could relate rebecca

[@patricia_1303]

Being the nice girl for years, when I finally did set my boundaries, people begin to say I’m a bad person and never help anyone. Even though I’ve always been the one helping, these type of people don’t deserve to be in my life!

[@hilo5901]

Right. I signed over property and was told that I was “selfish!!” 😮

[@Angie.GiGi.Ari.86]

I get that all the time at work, as soon as I say "no" they say I never help out, funny how one no turns you into a person that NEVER helps out, and trust me I did multiple peoples jobs for years. You know what helped me? I started truly detaching myself from others opinions. I don't feel anything towards them, and I truly don't care what they think. It is very liberating

[@lelainerduh]

It took me awhile to learn being a “nice girl” has hurt me more than helped me gain in life. I learned how much I have extremely low boundaries and felt like others validation determines my self worth. “Why don’t people like me? I’m nice.” “What did I do wrong? I was kind” it doesn’t matter. I can’t stress how much people do not care and will take advantage of you if you allow them

[@tobe-you-tube6612]

It's actually worse than the nice guy. Some people will take advantage on you. If you're not lucky enough, you can end up in some dangerous, destructive, terrible situations.

[@Kewsu113]

True. Being always emotionally available for others drains you. Specifically when you realise that friends and outsiders really don't care. I used to be 24/7 available for all my friends . Comfort and console them. I was the nicest. But ultimately jealousy pops out they betray you , hurt your feelings and pretend like it's your fault. Now I am very specific about who my friends are and always prioritize what's important for me. Then you will meet loyal friends who are just like you❤️ Thank uww Sophie for delivering a great message. Many girls would need it.🌸

[@MalamaLife]

Good for you for recognizing and establishing your boundaries! ❤

[@AllBeingsAreLoveAmen]

you can be kind and loving and caring while also having boundaries, being nice does not mean being a doormat, you are very nice and i love you mwah

[@MalamaLife]

Yess!! 😁 love the way you said it

[@irene2958]

I've felt it. Guilt is such an exhausting emotion, but when I realized that I define my life things got clearer. If you, guys, are trying to overcome this problem I believe in you.💙 Please, Sophie, if you can make a video about overcoming fear, I would appreciate it.

[@MalamaLife]

Thanks Irene! Thank you for the suggestion too

[@HerCupOfSimple]

Hi Sophie, yes please! I second that🤗

[@renaloucabuyadao6103]

i need this at this time

[@Yongfifi]

I need that as well. Have been overwhelmed by anxiety and fear.

[@pyqmxbdshc]

Until Sophie accepts the request, here is something you may want to look at: "Thomas Campbell on Overcoming Fear" kzbin.info/www/bejne/iqXIfXqXiNKKrcU Fear is a core concept of his work, so he has a lot of material on the topic. Here is another good one from a totally different perspective, from Shaolin Master Shi Heng Yi. kzbin.info/www/bejne/bIS4mWODbNaeppI

[@jassiWalk]

Well said as always...When you learn to put other’s needs before your own most of the time, you do not learn what your own needs are. And if you do not know what you need and want, it is very hard to assert yourself and your boundaries. When you learn that being pleasant, compliant, and accommodating is paramount, you never really learn how to speak up.

[@lazytales722]

True being nice is so exhausting

[@MalamaLife]

Very true! Finally leaning into what my needs and wants are too

[@JD-qn5le]

I'm in my mid 40s and this was 100 percent me until last year. Now I'm starting completely from square one. Not a place I ever thought I would be in at this age. People are not liking my boundaries and I'm seeing how many friends and family members never truly cared about me only what I could give to them. It's absolutely exhausting. It's something I have done since I was young. The only person I hurt in the end was myself. Life is too short. Take care of yourself first then you will have energy to give to others. The guilt of the boundaries and saying no sometimes was a huge hurdle for me. It's a daily struggle, but I'm not going back to be that person.

[@rochelle3780]

I'm starting to realize that I lost myself trying to rescue others. I have really struggled. Thank you for speaking your truth

[@GuitarGoddess]

Wow...I could not have said this better myself, Sophie. I can relate with your story 100%. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience. I've been the "nice girl" my entire life. My younger brother was always the confident, headstrong one who often got into trouble with my parents. I just turned 32 and it wasn't until I hit my 30s that I started making positive changes in my life because my family had expectations of me that didn't fit the life I wanted for myself and my husband. Setting boundaries is hard, especially when it's family, but I realized it was necessary for our health and happiness. And those positive changes can actually positively impact those around you. I feel more myself now than I have in a very long time. I also agree that you can still be kind and genuine to others while respecting yourself. Love your thoughtful content, Sophie. 🤍

[@MalamaLife]

Glad you could relate! You're right. Setting boundaries with our families is so difficult but so necessary too. Thanks for watching ❤

[@CeilidhAngelEdits]

I think spending my life trying to hard to be the ‘nice girl’ or aim for ‘moral perfection’ I really lost track of who I even am and to this day I’m still trying to get to know myself and it’s hard when I spent my years acting a certain way based on who I am around and what another person needed me to be in themoment. I’m slowly learning what I like, what I don’t, what makes me happy and what makes me sad and what my boundaries actually are. Learning these things about myself in my 20s is hard when everyone else seems to be far more progressed but I’m blessed to now have this journey and know myself fully

[@anissa2361]

Moral perfection!! Yes I resonate so much.

[@YouTuber-my2ky]

I started on this journey at age 32 a couple of years ago, mainly because of being locked down due to the pandemic and getting a chance to reflect. And I think I felt some divine intervention too. I won't say I have always been the "nice girl". In the professional setting, I was self-entitled, and in my personal relationships with my special few, I was irrationally trusting to the point of having no control over my own life. And I know what you mean by being "late". Everyone around me seems to have figured it out and here I am grappling with the basics of my professional and personal life for two years now. I haven't achieved any milestones on either of those fronts yet. Although I am becoming a more self-aware person every day, I am losing an incredible amount of time, and it just doesn't seem to end. I am filled with hope one day and with disappointment the next. I wish I could go back a few years when I was content in my delusion- if only I were more aware and less self-entitled back then, it would have saved me a whole lot of time and trouble. My agemates who seem to be realistic for many years seem to have analyzed themselves and others and their place in the world a long time back. And now they are thriving in their niche!

[@kymiilliion]

Don't worry where others are at, as long as your progressing thats all that matters!!

[@cassiebussino6628]

I just said this to my husband the other day!! I’m exhausted of being the nice person. I have set boundaries and that meant losing friendships. It’s been tough rebuilding myself in this time and space but I am everyday! Thank you for this share! Such an important topic.

[@cherrycain6425]

I understand what you’re saying. My son says I’m too nice. And I let people run over me. My feelings get hurt easily. These are things I’m trying to work on. Thank you for your channel. I really enjoy it. 💕

[@datingandlifeadvicechannel7534]

I have been abused forever and one day I snapped and I just started blocking people who were rude and insulting. That included my family and guy I was dating. I rather be alone than disrespected.

[@MalamaLife]

Good for you 🥺

[@freewillietoday]

I can totally relate to this “nice person” syndrome. I have often sacrificed what I need to do for myself so that others prosper. I do things for myself that I feel I have to do to be the best version of myself. Today, while I want contribute to the well being of others, I reserve time for myself to grow.

[@MalamaLife]

Good for you Wilfred :) I think it's important to balance this and not forget about ourselves

[@arleneyamagata5542]

Hi Sophie. Growing up, I found if extremely difficult to say "no" when people needed my help. It wasn't until my late 30s when this all changed, and I started to prioritize myself. Very liberating.🥰

[@hloniphilepricillamasuku]

You’ve put this so well. I spent most of my life being the “nice girl” trying to please everyone around me because I was seeking for validation in the wrong places, now that I am older I am gradually and continuously learning to choose myself and respect my own boundaries. I can definitely relate, thank you for sharing Sophie.

[@evbemma33]

"People-pleasers can sometimes have trouble identifying their needs. So, it can be very tricky when you get to a place and realise that you're a people-pleaser, and you're not sure how to change the way you interact with people and the world. "It can feel very threatening to put their own needs first, especially in an environment where they're already known to be a people-pleaser. People are used to them giving what they want, which can cause stress, anxiety, and conflict."

[@Mint-kj9kw]

This manifested (through me) in money. As a Christian, I was ALWAYS giving. Not even just my tithe (10%)....but above and beyond that. One year, I gave away over 30% of my income. Now mind you, I was giving when I had credit card debt and NO savings. 2.5 years ago, I finally quit cold turkey. I haven't given a penny away to any church, ministry, or organization. I paid off all my debt, built up a substantial savings, and am now investing. I've never felt more free.

[@StephanieRZ]

Very worthwhile to be proud of yourself with said achievements! Respectfully, I’ve always seen these church tactics unfortunately as man-made ways to implement monetary gains… it’s like robbing from church-goers but everyone’s too hush hush to speak up about it honestly. Goodness forbid but it’s more ethically and morally true than what’s said to even give into to begin with. ❤️🙏🏼

[@Holmnielsen-]

good for you!!

[@salmabeevi1987]

You are indeed a gem of a person ❤️ Hugs

[@salmabeevi1987]

@@joytoyoume7136 I am so sorry this happened to you..May you be surrounded with loving,caring ppl in the future..but it is true that we should always hold something with us..it is a fact that those who always give will get back nothing when they need something..

[@goldendiamon]

Being a Christian doesn't mean you let people trample you.Being a Christian means discerning what is good for you,not being naive.Even Jesus make time for solitude in his solo time praying to heavenly Father and resting before preaching to His people.

[@pyqmxbdshc]

In case you are still battling with self-esteem issues, let me just say this: you are well above average -- you have the courage and desire to do introspection, find balance and improve yourself, you realize that whatever society considers correct may or may not be so, and you are sharing valuable insights with us. I'd say you are on the right path and I appreciate your effort.

[@currypowder906]

Love you, girl. I've spent the last few years in a spiraling depression because of this nice girl syndrome. It took lots of therapy and newly gained self respect to see the root of the issue and finally stand my ground. I have completely changed my life in the last year, and every day is still a struggle to stay intentional and true to myself despite the conditioning all around me to want to be the nice girl. Being the nice girl almost killed me. I had a breaking point two weeks ago when all of my truths came spilling out of me- screaming out of me. It feels like I've taken my life back. I get to take up space. ❤️❤️❤️ Thanks for sharing this video. You have a beautiful soul and voice.

[@MalamaLife]

I'm so happy for you that you turned your life around ❤ rooting for you in this new chapter

[@solarcowgirl]

So proud of you, I’m currently going through the same shit. Take as much space as you want :)

[@itspaulabuendia]

I feel very identified with this message. For many years I have been avoiding setting boundaries or communicating my needs / concerns to others by fear of conflict, without realizing that by doing that, I was hurting and alienating myself! Nowadays I am also working on it, trying to communicate more assertively as well as peacefully (since they can totally go hand in hand) creating better and more honest relationships with others and with myself. Thanks for sharing beautiful ❤

[@MalamaLife]

I also find that we can establish more honest relationships this way :)

[@kathydoyel1582]

So many nice people out there. I can totally relate. I’ve also started putting boundaries in place and boy is it hard to not feel like I’m being mean. I know I will find that happy medium. we all will!😊

[@Africanbeautyy93]

Wow! This is so how I’m feeling. It leaves you feeling resentful and exhausted. I can no longer betray my self to make people who disregard and disrespect me feel comfortable. Overly forgiving and not being honest with my self. No more

[@whitechocolate072]

I was that girl, the nice girl I was became a puppet to a punching bag to a carpet. It took me years to understand who I was and I had to work on myself. I had to cut ties with my family, I lost a lot of friends, etc. During covid I started to realise something wasn't ok, what was happening? Who I was? Who was my friend? Since last year something clicked in my brain. I payed 3/4 of my debt, removed my toxic friends, start decluttering my life, seek psychological help, etc. I decided to be nice to myself first. I know this is a long road but I'm getting there. Thanks ❤

[@lunahora5512]

To set boundaries is so important. When I moved to London, I started accepting jobs that were less than what I was qualified for just because of my own insecurities for being a foreigner. This in the long term didn't pay off because people were not nice to me even though I was in this situation, and not only that I was feeling less and less valuable and I started losing friends. I realize now that if we don't like ourselves no one will like us either. We need to do what we love and overcome the challenges that avoid us to get there. People will always have something to say sometimes people will tell us bad things anyway so it's better to do what we like to do and don't put low standards on us!

[@chitramohanraj26]

I was just copying my mom in being a good girl. Undoing the habit is so tough. But doing it. Thanks. U speak so gently, unhurriedly and firmly that it seems do-able. Thanks so much. Your videos are an oasis of peace in a cluttered noisy world.

[@TopNotchV]

Be yourself. If you're nice then be nice. Just don't talk to everyone. Don't give just anyone your attention... only those who show u respect. You do have to know how to play characters depending on the circumstance. But, don't become cold or aggressive because people have treated you less then. You'll find your tribe.

[@mirembeirene7673]

I relate to this nice girl syndrome, and it is only recently that I started snapping out of it, thanks to the lockdown, I finally got the time to think deeply about what I really want for myself and what makes me happy. Thanks for sharing.

[@mikaelaheimer3078]

It has taken me a lot of time and many reminders to convince myself that I can no longer be that nice girl. I especially related to the part when you said you want to prioritize saying how you feel when you feel, because I have a huge tendency to feel something, ignore it, and bring it up months/years later if at all, and I feel like that only damages close relationships. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's wonderful we are all choosing to respect ourselves and live differently moving forward

[@jenniferanderson4586]

“Nice girl” verified but at 50 years old i am finally learning to set good boundaries in love..thank you for this , it really confirms everything i’ve been working on in my own life

[@ilovelearning6529]

This video has came at the right time. I feel so related. Growing up in Asian culture has stripped off my identity for other’s needs and convenience. I recognized this flaw recently and looked into “fawn” response. My goal is to grow out of the traditional nice girl to be a nice-girl 2.0 where I would place my values and taking care of myself first. I hope more people will see this video. Thank you for doing this

[@QUARTERMASTEREMI6]

As a fellow Asian girl, thank you for saying all of that! ❤

[@evbemma33]

Fawn: a response to "feeling unsafe" Dr Baulch says there's a name for Will's often unconscious behaviour to please - the fawn response. In a nutshell, "fawning" is when you seek safety by pleasing the person threatening you. Dr Baulch highlights that the fawn response is an adaptive one. "People pleasing comes about as an adaptive response to cope and get by in [a] situation," she says. "If your parents or others want you to bend and mould to what they need … it can be very disempowering. So as an adult … [you're still] responding the same way," she says. Over time, people-pleasers often feel quite resentful, emotionally used and taken advantage of, Dr Baulch says. There's also struggles with setting boundaries and saying no.

[@mononoke_hime0]

Be nice to yourself. That matters.🌸

[@MalamaLife]

Yes!!

[@Yourhighnessnona]

I was just binging your beautiful content, realising how much of the philosophy you're embodying and sharing through your channel aligns with how I live and value my life. Now "not being the nice girl" is a current chapter in it, and this video just popped up like it's meant to be ❤ Much love, from Bali

[@MalamaLife]

Thank you so much 🥺❤ it means a lot. Glad you're on this same journey with me

[@Memaganna]

Thank you so much for this video... I am a teacher.. and recently having hard time.. being offended by small kids, manipulated and scared by parents.. I wanted to make them all happy but now at the end I am heart broken and depressed..and feeling alone in it :( But the video built me up... thank you so much ♥

[@dakotacooperr]

Goshhhhhh thisssss struck a chord with me 😒. I was exactly this. I was a perfect storm of being an empath and constantlyyyyyyyyyyy caring about others. I genuinely thought I was a worthless person so it was sooooo easyyyy for people to take advantage of me and when I look back my actions were totally that of a door mat inviting people to use me any way they would like. 🙃People pleasing was my religion. I’m so glad I’ve learned.

[@MalamaLife]

We live and learn right? 😊 I definitely acted as a doormat and was confused when people stepped all over me 😅

[@vanessagoudie7615]

I was this girl for a very very long time. Now I have complete and utter burn out. I am currently learning to set boundaries and also learning to love myself. For such a long time I ignored taking care of myself and took care of everyone else. I really enjoyed this video thank you so much.

[@irenelaurente9433]

I definitely relate to what you expressed, and you are right. In taking on the identity of "nice girl," we allow others to define us rather than defining ourselves. And by quitting that role, we would be able to express more of who we truly are and recognize our value as unique individuals. Thank you for sharing!

[@MalamaLife]

🙌❤️

[@thaisacosta215]

I started answering my family the way they talk to me. It's liberating. I go around, get into places, making questions and say Hi with a poker face and I'm only nice or smile if the other person earns it.

[@aa1903]

i can relate to this 1000%! Working on setting boundaries, but my people pleasing tendencies are so deeply ingrained. Still working on it though! thank you for this!

[@mintaka2646]

I was that girl too, until it ran out. Although realizing my own worth caused me to burn out, with the support of my best friend, I stopped being the girl who always cared about the opinions of others. I call this emotional maturity. While I used to be quickly influenced by what other people say about me, now I don't care as much as I used to. Now, what I want, what I am doing and why I am doing these seem more important. Of course, this is not an easy detection process, and it seems to take a lifetime. Your videos are heartwarming, giving me hope for the future. In addition to the stress of being in a busy academic period, watching your videos relaxes me. Thank you, stay well.

[@MalamaLife]

Good for you for recognizing and changing. It also sounds like you have a great friend :) I'm glad you can relate to my story

[@moriyahnotmariah]

I’ve always been the “nice girl”. Breaking my back and moving mountains for people who wouldn’t lift a finger for me. I lacked boundaries and I’ve always had trouble saying no. But now at 26 I’ve chosen to start living the way I want to, to stop worrying about what others think, and finally be the person I’ve wanted to be for so long. I still have days where I lose my way, but the difference now is that I’m aware when it happens and I can guide myself back to where I need to be 💓

[@Ruffles729]

Same, me at 25.

[@TraceyEaster760]

Amen I wasn't able to grow up as the nice girl. Even if I were popular and nice, I've had boundaries since I was a small child. Forced to have boundaries and that can come across as not nice. Great video!

[@catherinenanckoo5780]

This role of the "nice girl" is one I played most of my life. It was daunting. Overcommitting myself to everyone else's wants and needs instead of my own. Last year, I scheduled more time for selfcare and started setting boundaries. Thank you for sharing, Sophie. I have only been following you this year and find your content awe-inspiring :)

[@shashikothari9314]

Oh my God !!! Did not know it is so common, people pleasing, caring for others’ opinions, always being available to others, valuing their opinions more than our own…..only now as I’m gonna touch 60 years, am realising that I’ve failed to set any boundaries, never express my feelings, never questioned their transgressions….am just about preparing myself to stand by me and be my authentic Self. Thanks for this video….related to every word you spoke…..hightime heard my inner call and respected my own voice more than anybody else.

[@SakshiSingh-oi8tg]

It is so difficult to get out that 'nice girl' role. Every step taken forward is burdened with this guilt and indefinite questions of "am I being selfish?" Or "is this really who I am?". But it is really right to draw your boundaries in order to protect ourselves. I have been struggling with making my limits clear and looking at you makes me feel that I am not alone. It is a long journey pf self love, surely a difficult one too. But I guess we all are here together. Thank you for making us all feel this sense of togetherness ♥️🌟

[@lorenl9262]

I learned a longtime ago that being nice does not really serve a purpose in this society...especially after the pandemic!!!!! Unfortunately being nice is now seen as a sign of weakness!!! Kudos to you for this video and the efforts that you put towards this channel!!

[@minaliseaa.2788]

I could totally relate with your description of "nice girl". And what I believe is the hardest is to not blame ourselves and to stick to our boundaries afterwards, even when people doesn't take it nicely that we put boundaries because they were so used to us being nice and helping out anytime. I'm still struggling and making mistakes but while learning on the process, I do feel better and truer to myself! Thank you so much for your video: it's really relieving and helpful to find this kind of video 🥰

[@empope188]

I have tears in my eyes from this video Sophie, I relate to this so much and I feel like this past year I have finally woken up and started my journey of putting myself first even when that means disappointing people in the process. Your videos always come at the perfect time. Thank you for all the beautiful vibes and energy that you always give every week it means more than you will know.

[@MalamaLife]

Thank you so much 🥺❤

[@tiffanycraig8353]

I think the people that you “disappointed” probably didn’t deserve your love and attention anyways. 👍🏻 Best of luck to you

[@wannabeglam2417]

Amazingly insightful. Saying no to People is a skill you learn over time. To this day I still feel guilty when I say no and set boundaries. Working on it slowly but surely

[@evbemma33]

Fawn: a response to "feeling unsafe" Dr Baulch says there's a name for Will's often unconscious behaviour to please - the fawn response. In a nutshell, "fawning" is when you seek safety by pleasing the person threatening you. Dr Baulch highlights that the fawn response is an adaptive one. "People pleasing comes about as an adaptive response to cope and get by in [a] situation," she says. "If your parents or others want you to bend and mould to what they need … it can be very disempowering. So as an adult … [you're still] responding the same way," she says. Over time, people-pleasers often feel quite resentful, emotionally used and taken advantage of, Dr Baulch says. There's also struggles with setting boundaries and saying NO.

[@rodneymorris9171]

Love the Videos. I was the nice guy for most of my life, so you end up suffering in silence. Not speaking up or defending yourself, only to lose in the end. I learnt at a very late age to be oneself changes the outcome of so many things in life. To be content just being me, enjoying the simple things ❤

[@MalamaLife]

Glad you can relate!

[@unikreations2258]

I totally empathize with your personal story because I was exactly the same way when I was younger. I wish I discovered the importance of being true to myself and had the courage to stand up for my own needs much earlier. My journey might have been different and perhaps happier if I did. I think young people should listen to your advice and not end up like me who is now 63. Don’t let your life pass you by living someone else’s life or idea of what true happiness is. Make the most of your every minute because each minute adds up to a significant amount of time; life passes you by before you know it.

[@Sheng01427]

Omg. My friend recommended me this channel which I subscribed to months ago and out of the blue this video got recommended to me. And wow, I truly needed this. I've been struggling with this for a long time and I only started thinking about me playing the nice girl when my friends tell me I'm too good to everyone when inside, I actually have resentments and anger towards others which I do not have the courage to say to them upfront. I also realized that wherever I go, I always end up getting abused and manipulated, and this is the answer I needed. I love what you said about not automatically turning into some selfish and careless person because that's not you to the core. I felt that. Thank you so much!

[@MalamaLife]

Thank you for watching! Glad you can relate.

[@Light-oz5pv]

Gosh. I connect with your story and your stand so deeply. I learned this about myself this year, after 27 years on this planet. You often don’t know that you’re living for everyone but yourself until you realize that you have little to no idea who you are. I wish I learned this in my early 20s but I’m so glad to be in therapy and taking care of myself now. To everyone: the best gift you can give yourself is being better aware of yourself. It’s life changing. And therapy helps. Thanks for making this video.

[@scarlettpj2020vision]

Love your authenticity, and how you’ve chosen to honor being true to yourself and express that. As a fellow INFJ, what you’ve chosen to share, and the graciousness, kindness and genuine regard with which you’ve done so, brings a smile to my mind and heart. Existing in such a balanced way as to grow towards becoming a living embodiment of the middle ground is truly priceless.

[@ambermashal]

This was an amazing reminder. I always want to be the nice girl, be there for my friends and family, and put others above myself but the line between this and purely people pleasing is very thin and hard to find sometimes. Boundaries are so necessary and that’s something I’ve been working on a lot recently!

[@MalamaLife]

You're so right! It's a very thin line. I'm glad you're also establishing your boundaries

[@cavianguardian]

Being the “Nice Girl” in my family was emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausting!!!! I just walked away… my family says it’s me that’s the problem.

[@MalamaLife]

Sometimes it's necessary to walk away. Good for you for knowing what you want. I'm sure it wasn't easy. Wishing you all the best ❤

[@thethespian12]

The only people that have problems respecting boundaries are people who want to break them.

[@priscillanieto3322]

Girl, I feel that! After allowing myself to be walked over for so long I decided to stand up for myself, & I was told that I was the one who was breaking up the family for demanding respect & being treated kindly in order to stick around them. When that didn't happen I moved out of state & my family is still sour about it but it's honestly the best thing I could have done for myself.

[@cavianguardian]

@@priscillanieto3322 Im going to say what you’re family and mines don’t want to say. “I AM VERY SORRY HOW WE MISSED TREATED YOU ALL THESE YEARS!” I hope you find love, respect, appreciation in your life forever! I really understand what you went through. Im sorry that happened to you and anybody. Be safe!

[@pallavidixit7269]

I want to walk away to listen to my own intuition. I did try for 10 days but my parents brought me back. I am still wanting to walk out & g Figure out my life at 31. My parents have control over my every emotions, my relationships,my career etc & don't believe in giving space & call it their love for me. I gets emotionally driven by their words but sacrificing my dreams. I feel stuck... Just wanna breathe...

[@katherineperson]

Thank you for such honesty. I have been that girl much of my life but have recently started creating more healthy boundaries. One of the hardest things I’ve done recently was tell someone at work who was trying to push their job duties onto me, was to tell them straight up, “No. That is not my job and I’m not going to do that!” I was shocked that these words came out of my mouth… but then I realized how good it felt to stand up for myself.

[@loriwicker1095]

That was me in the PAST, I was very HURT by my Former Best Friend. Thank YOU for this Video and Sharing yorur Story

[@MalamaLife]

I have also lost a good friend by not having clear boundaries. Big hugs to you ❤ thanks for watching

[@heatherm4111]

Thank you for sharing Sophie. I can relate, now in my mid 40s I know how important boundaries are. At the same time I feel this has made my close friends a very small group. I still see others that appear to have a large group of social friends and wonder if I should do more to create friendship in my life.

[@MalamaLife]

Thanks Heather. I'm love having a small group of friends :) I love the intimacy we can build

[@poppycalliope]

This video spoke to my soul. I've always been a people pleaser and always put other people's feelings first. Me and my sister are different like you an your sister were. I've been working really hard on myself the past few months and try my best to prioritize me and wipe that "nice girl" mentality I always had. With all honesty being the nice girl is mentally draining for me. Thank you for this video ✨

[@BubusDiary]

I am still that "nice girl" And i always care about other people if they are comfortable enough or not,and i always feel regret if I say 'no' to them about anything thinking that it would hurt them . As your videos always teach me something, this video too didn't fail. I had doubt if being this "nice girl" Is really good for my mental health or not and thanks to u that my doubt has gone. Your KZbin channel is my favorite one ❤ and as I am 20 , your views in life inspires me to make my life how I want it to be.

[@flavioct9874]

That's great to hear, I'm the same at 23. No more. I feel much better. I'm losing people because I won't budge or submit to the bs anymore. All for the best.

[@vampthbill13]

I have so many dreams but being' a nice girl' makes me hate myself for not being able to do them..thank you for this video it's time to quit my soulless job.

[@emilyraiche8737]

You are helping so many through sharing your story and your process. Keep doing what you do- you do it beautifully!! ❤️

[@roseblanc7840]

Hi Malama Life, thanks for sharing the video, I’m in the same journey like yours now, after decades being the nice girl finally I changed because I open my eyes since few years ago, a big hit in my life, it’s hard but it’s better than stay in my past life as a nice girl and always being used by people, NPD victim by close people ( by family & friend) It’s better late than never at all to realize it. I’m feeling better now and happy that I do it. Good luck to all of us 🙏☺️

[@macym1703]

The timing of this video is too perfect. I am struggling about this for a long time and hearing your perspective on this gives me a bit of clarity, and I think that's a good start. Thank you! I always watch your videos. They are inspiring and calming. 🌸

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

What a coincidence, I recently worked on myself with this and still working on it. As always, thank your for sharing. My SIL planned a mani/pedi party for her family. She invited me also, but I was curious who was going to service this party, because there is a handful of nail techs in the family including me. Moments later, she text me, “i need your help for this date”. I was furious because she expected me without asking me first. After I calmed down, I told myself, no! I don’t have to do this. I gave her an excuse and left it. But I was still beating myself up. Knowing her, I am certain she was going to be upset, but decided that it’s her problem. It was hard and still is. If you’re going to lose either way, might as well pick what brings you most joy even if it’s not the best feelings.

[@anitacarter8060]

Yes, I agree being a people pleaser is exhausting….😫

[@MalamaLife]

It is!! It's impossible to please everyone

[@mariamagdalena2340]

Thank you so much for this wonderful video, I can relate to this so much. Took me a long time to let the "nice girl"- role behind, but I feel like I'm more and more myself again, learning what I want and need. I still consider myself a nice person, but in a healthier way.

[@maglow6807]

This video resonates with me. Sometimes I feel that we go out of our way to make people feel comfortable at our own expense. And we don’t realize that we need to be caring towards ourselves too. It is a fine line sometimes being selfish/self centered vs caring for others. As we grow older I realize that we need to be true to our ownselves and listen to our inner thoughts and intentions. Thank you for the video Sophie!

[@Lea-lh3si]

I am almost 30 now, and I feel exactly the same way you feel, people will be nicer to you only if you are nicer to yourself. Thanks for your sharing.

[@cassandra.rose.]

I can totally relate. I have a younger sister who was more headstrong, and I unintentionally started quieting myself thinking it would create less chaos in our family home. Now that I've lived away for years, I'm learning how unhealthy my view of myself, my voice and my communication is. I've certainly been a people-pleaser, until I'm burnt out, recover from the dramatic separation between myself and my boss, friendships or romantic relationships or whoever I'm "pleasing". I have been on a very windy, up-hill journey to be true to myself and finding out who I even am, what my likes and dislikes, what my boundaries are... I'm so thankful to hear from your journey and experience, especially as a fellow introvert who is growing in many areas in spite of the chaos and confusion. It is extremely relatable and encouraging. Thank you, thank you. 💖

[@MalamaLife]

I'm so glad you can relate to my story. It is such a journey to self love and discovery, but I find it so worth it

[@MissHunnii]

Sophie, you’re a blessing to this world. ❤

[@sarahogue]

I think that we all grow up playing a role in our families…..it’s up to us to decide what to do with that. Thank you for sharing your journey, & for the inspiration to always be true to your self. ☀️❤️

[@MalamaLife]

So true. There comes a point when we decide

[@NDJ238]

I wasn't the nice girl with my family but I definately was with the outside world. This was really helpful. Thank you

[@xinyue7882]

I can relate with this surely, I always felt hurt inside whenever I ignore my needs and wants for myself. As I get older, pleasing others finally hurt myself, and I will start living for myself. Setting boundary is so crucial in our lives. ❤I am on the right track of trying to discover myself and realizing a lot as I get older. Thank you very much for the video.

[@MalamaLife]

I felt like I had built up resentment too :( glad you can relate to me! Thanks for watching

[@xinyue7882]

@@MalamaLife always grateful for all the videos created Sophie, ❤️ I get peaceful vibe and find so insightful way to simple living. I feel like I find my truest self with your videos. 🥰 Thank you so much. 😍 You are always my inspiration.

[@heyu123]

It’s so painful. I feel so burdened by this 😢

[@TheVanessaLife]

I have always been that “nice girl”. I always go through periods where I say I’m going to stop and put myself and my happiness first. I get to the point where I feel so drained and overwhelmed which in turn leaves me with no time to care for myself. I am getting better and starting to live my life for ME but it is definitely a work in progress. Thank you Sophie for this video. Your videos always make my day.❤️

[@musicalemily5464]

When I hear you speak, and watch you explain things about life, I feel as if I am listening and watching my younger self speak. The only difference is, you are figuring out and working through these giant life lessons, at a much faster pace than me. I am still struggling. I am most likely a good twenty years older than you, but, here I sit, getting inspiration from someone who is on the strong path. Thank you for speaking out and being brave. It helps those of us who have not the courage to change and become a better version of ourselves. You are an inspiration. Please know.

[@calmeats-danielamodesto]

It is emotionally draining being nice, especially when the action doesn't always match the feeling...because the feeling will show up at a later point, in a different not-so-great way. At least that's what I find the case for me to be. Thank you for your inspiring videos - I appreciate the insight and calm I feel after watching them. It's part lesson part meditiation. Thank you!

[@MalamaLife]

Yes! There is definitely a limit when it's not coming from the heart

[@Stopit77]

Can totally relate, thank you for your honesty. The key thing you mentioned is being intentional about it. Being true to yourself is a big change after being the nice girl for so long. The intention is where the real change takes place.

[@saratroup3764]

This resonated with me so much! I am on this journey, as well. Hearing you describe this idea of not being the nice girl helped me to understand this change that is happening in me. Thank you!

[@CaribbeanAzure1]

Wow... nice video, and that QUOTE THOUGH, "Be so completely yourself, that everyone else feels safe to be themselves, too." So so so good. *chef's kiss*

[@MalamaLife]

🥰❤

[@tubokomechafrieza]

Yes. You will feel the pain when you open your eyes and realize that you didn't live your own life. And people who don't like your new boundaries were meant to be left behind

[@mohammadkassas6950]

I used to be the same as you were, and I had so much pain because I was always trying my best to fulfill the people’s needs and happiness Regardless of mine. But now I recognized that people around me didn’t care about my feelings and my happiness, So One year ago I started to put myself in the first priority in my life, I started to learn how to take care of myself , I actually tried my best to say “NO” whenever it feels right ,and to put boundaries and limits for other people, these things that I started to do my life were the most difficult things that I’ve ever done, and I’m trying to be better every day. Thank you for your story it is so inspiring❤️❤️

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

Are you from Jordan?

[@fatemehmousavi1200]

I believe balance is EVERYTHING... like EVERYTHING ...

[@crisrentas6963]

I am still on my journey to stop accommodating others feelings and ignoring my own. It is so hard 😭 breaking this cycle. This video is on point and just what I needed.

[@evbemma33]

Fawn: a response to "feeling unsafe" Dr Baulch says there's a name for Will's often unconscious behaviour to please - the fawn response. In a nutshell, "fawning" is when you seek safety by pleasing the person threatening you. Dr Baulch highlights that the fawn response is an adaptive one. "People pleasing comes about as an adaptive response to cope and get by in [a] situation," she says. "If your parents or others want you to bend and mould to what they need … it can be very disempowering. So as an adult … [you're still] responding the same way," she says. Over time, people-pleasers often feel quite resentful, emotionally used and taken advantage of, Dr Baulch says. There's also struggles with setting boundaries and saying no.

[@dakotaovdan]

Interesting thoughts, it’s definitely important to know when to draw the line! Too much of a good thing has it’s drawbacks to your own well-being like you mentioned ☺️

[@MalamaLife]

Yes!! Thanks Dakota

[@Dancerlil]

I absolutely relate to the "nice girl" programming as it were. I seriously believe that many if not most girls were raised this way. Videos like these have great value. It is never too late to make needed changes. In grateful appreciation. Liliane