"Why is it all so GLOOPY!?" | Dave's Cooking Show

Thumbnail "Corn King" art done by Emperor Neuro
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Twitter - @popculturejoke
Intro "Maizelbub" art by Dan Rossi
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Twitter - @danrossidraws
Catch all my streams LIVE at / actualjake
#Politics #Debate #Twitch

[@finecommathanks]

Refrigerators weren't always magnetic. They used to have one way latches on the outside of them. You've probably seen them in like Happy Days or some other 50's era media. Every now and then you'll still hear of a kid getting stuck in one in a junkyard or something crazy. That's what he meant by fridges that can kill a kid.

[@medusagorgo5146]

I didn’t see your comment, before I commented, very well said.

[@dozeyrosie645]

His comment about old fridges was referring to the fact that old style fridges can't be opened from the inside. If a kid played inside an abandoned fridge they could be trapped inside.

[@mayayamato7351]

thats... almost clever and oddly i appreciate that. definitely stronger than any of his other painful attempts at humor.

[@Vermillion_Treezzz3113]

My mom nearly died that way as a kid cause her brother shut her in an old fridge on their farm by accident, so yeah, old fridges are no joke.

[@VinnieGer]

With how vibrant food can be, it’s impressive how each one is just another shade of grey. How do you make grey food?!!

[@taytsay1]

“Americans have gotten fatter, so we need more cheese.” Sir, I’m starting to think you might not be a dietitian, that conclusion doesn’t quite seem quite right....

[@Vermillion_Treezzz3113]

Lol, I like how he calls that plastic shit cheese, though. Like, if you want cheese, go to the damn deli and buy some muenster or havarti. Get some flavor, bro.

[@prism_sigil93]

This guy can’t get dates right. McJordan debuted in 1992.

[@PinkieImpaled]

He checked his clocks though, how could he get the date wrong?

[@flobwad]

Bruh he can’t even get his clocks right

[@randomnameseventytwo1307]

i said it once but ill say it again the fact that this went from Jake going after his crap takes to Jake bullying him over his crap food is the best thing ever

[@robotdickens]

I think the most surprising part of this is the idea that he’s potentially watched a Babish video and still cooks like this.

[@ari_anon2228]

the thumbnails for his cooking videos are so bad. they’re all brown and washed out and like... droopy? soft? i had a better word for it but i think youtube filtered the comment out LMAO

[@smithblack5945]

Honestly the three dishes weren't that bad. They probably taste halfway decent at worst. While Dave has cooked some genuinely horrifying dishes before, I think that the problem here is his cooking presentation skills.

[@NinjaFrog65]

I don't know, that last one is kinda gross. Like just consider how moist it'd be; the fat from the ground beef, combined with the water, and then more water from the salsa. That's so much moist stuff without any real textural difference.

[@drawfulanimations]

I would love a video where Jake teaches us to cook

[@seraphonica]

so... his "secret sauce" is made out of things you can find on the counter at any diner in Murrica? How exotic of you, Dave.

[@TheSonOfRyan]

I think its just knockoff big mac sauce?

[@Nekulturny]

Well,, theres a lot of sauces that are just random stuff you can probably find in your kitchen.

[@lightningfirst689]

"How do you fuck up a grilled cheese, right?" That hits different after the Gordon Ramsay grilled cheese video.

[@deadpoolpanda4513]

Jake can beat dave in any competition

[@PinkieImpaled]

Naw I bet Dave could beat him to the top of Coors mountain

[@flobwad]

I’m pretty sure the average person can beat Dave in any competition. Except maybe, the competition of who can be the most creepily misogynistic and racist/homophobic/transphobic/ableist/ classist/etc person. A “Drunken Trainwreck” competition possibly. Hell, I highly doubt Dave would beat someone in a drinking competition. All the shite cheap beer he drinks has a small alcohol percentage. Let’s see him take shots of tequila or vodka.

[@lightningfirst689]

You awaken with a start. You take a moment to become aware of your consciousness. You realize that you can hear a creaking coming from outside. The alarm clock reads 3:25. You get up and go to the window to investigate. The swing in the yard is swinging on its own. As you look out the window, you begin to sense a presence behind you. It envelopes you before you can turn around. In your last moment of life, all you hear is one, single word... GLOOP

[@iannathanatos]

McJordan was released in 1992. It was a simple google. This man🤦🏻‍♂️

[@LordZeebee]

We got a great local burger restaurant in Skövde, Sweden that sells "M.Jordan" burgers! Bacon, pickled red onion, grilled tomato, two types of cheese and aioli instead of BBQ sauce. Had no idea there was a reason behind it. Honestly pretty similar, biggest difference is that that one actually looks good. (Tho to be fair, dave's sauce looked pretty nice)

[@medusagorgo5146]

If you mix your seasoning into the meat patties when you make them, the seasoning won’t come off when you flip them. When he makes meatballs, does he only put the breadcrumbs on the outside to make them? Unless I’m buying preshaphed hamburger patties, this shouldn’t be an issue.

[@Piterdeveirs333]

You don't want to mix anything into hamburger patties because over working the meat will make them have the consistency of meatloaf. That being said, you shouldn't loss half the seasoning when you flip a burger. If you do there is just no hope for you

[@lordhogwash8393]

Why are all of his foods different shades of beige and grey?

[@toastwell6488]

Dave’s joke about fridges was referring to how kids would get stuck in old fridges, because they couldn’t open from the inside.

[@InsomniacXIII]

Literally one change would make this...casserole, if you want to call it that...a million times better: Instead of macaroni, use lasagna noodles. Just make this a taco lasagna. And also, like Jake said, replace half the meat with beans. On the other hand, if it absolutely HAS to be macaroni, you could mix the cheese throughout to add solidity and make a breadcrumb-style casserole topping with tortilla/dorito crumbs. Literally just the most basic thought and effort could make LoP's dishes something that's halfway worth eating.

[@Piterdeveirs333]

If he isn't gonna make actual mac and cheese with taco meat in it that he should have just made a Mexican baked ziti. Saute up some onion, jalapenos, maybe a habanero, and garlic before adding the meat. Reduce that to one pound instead of 2. Add some beans, I'd use black beans because fuck other kinds of beans. Make sure the water has actually reduced in the pan. Maybe get some Mexican cheese to stir through when you add the pasta to the meat and beans. If you can't find any or don't like Mexican cheese use what ever cheese you like but it needs to be mixed through. And top it with some more cheese if you like but I am kinda liking the idea of using crushed corn chips or something to make the top. Finally, eat it with a nice side salad or maybe corn on the co or something and it would be pretty nice

[@corranhorn85]

I would rather eat a chili mac MRE.

[@Chicagocanine]

When he says the type of fridge that can kill a child, he’s referring to how old fridges used to have latches on the outside where they could not be opened from the inside. So if a kid climbed inside an old abandoned fridge they could get stuck and suffocate. I guess kids in the old days used to play in old fridges in junkyards or something 😜

[@GrimReaperGaming2031]

Kids were and are kinda dumb at times

[@medusagorgo5146]

@@GrimReaperGaming2031 we didn’t have the internet, give us a break. I’m a gen x kid and I remember playing in the sewer system (really the flumes or the runoff drainage channels) and wandering around my city with absolutely no adult supervision at a very young age.

[@wickednwyld]

@@medusagorgo5146 - Did you run into Pennywise down there? 😋

[@medusagorgo5146]

@@wickednwyld lol, no but when it would rain real hard those sewers (flumes) would overflow and if you got caught in there you could drown. After it happened to this one boy we didn’t go down there and play anymore..

[@zwartdude]

Why are his patties so big and thin? He made hockey pucks

[@Piterdeveirs333]

The reason you make thin big patties is so they cook fast on a griddle. You really shouldn't cook those on a grill

[@thatyoutubechannel9953]

The hamburger helper slop looks like what I would make at 2 AM drunk on Xanax and then throw away

[@kevin4061]

Fried peppers, and shredded cheddar are pretty good. His burgers also look over cooked, I like well done burgers as well but those look like 80% charcoal.

[@kevin4061]

I know part of the reason is he dosen't clean his grill.

[@Piterdeveirs333]

He was cooking them on to high of a heat. I prefer to cook mine with indirect cooking after an initial sear. That way they don't become charcoal

[@TheUnsightlyRF]

"This joined the Clean Dish Club." Sir. SIR. You are not Babish. You could never hope to be Babish. Do not sully his catchphrase with your Bud Light gargling gob.

[@saininj]

I remember one time Lord of Cringe actually critiqued Babish. Lucky he wasn't an ass like he was to other chefs, but the fact that Dave had the confidence to critique a master like Babish is astounding.

[@TheUnsightlyRF]

@@saininj Really? Jesus, I can only imagine what that was like. "Why are you using kosher salt?! Why does it have to be kosher?! JUST USE REGULAR FUCKING SALT! *cracks open beer can* SHLORP!!"

[@disturbedrocks1996]

Dave needs to get a better camera, some better lighting, a better hairline and most importantly a good therapist!

[@shattaredentertainment4782]

Its goopy so he doesnt have to chew it.

[@JEEBUSxHIMSELF]

i work making pizza at a local mom and pop. 226 grams or 8oz of cheese is exactly the amount we put on every single large pizza. while it is still way too much cheese, ill give dave a pass on this one.

[@Rain-kc1ld]

Same I work at a pizza place and 8 oz seems like the standard for a large

[@medusagorgo5146]

Jake in the old days, kids used to get locked into abandoned refrigerators and suffocate and die. After awhile they started taking the doors off of them so that it couldn’t happen anymore but a few slipped through the cracks and stupid kids would hide in them and get locked in and die. Now refrigerators can’t lock you in anymore, so good thing for stupid kids.

[@ShipwreckedMates]

If you think Dave is a messy chef, you should see me bake. Anytime I take my mixer in hand, the entire kitchen becomes covered in dough... there's a reason I use a stand mixer now

[@Screpdoodle]

Since the meat was so liquid-ey I thought he was gonna cook the mac in the meat sauce, and I'm not sure if that would have been better or worse-

[@toprem4037]

1:30 - someone could use bleu cheese 19:35 - I don't get the complaint about the amount of cheese, the fancy mac and cheese recipe I go by uses like 1.5 pounds of cheese split b/w four different kinds.

[@ThatHippyDuck]

i'm glad he has a youtube channel because if he didn't i'd think he would have already killed someone by now

[@SomeJezebel]

Whoa! That macaroni in that taco mac is WAY overcooked already before he puts it in the gloop, after going in the gloop it is exposed to more moisture and heat, there is no way that wasn't like eating vomit. I like how he did the cheese honestly, other than that it could have stood to be baked a little longer. I admit, using a similar sized baking dish filled about the same amount, on multiple occasions I have made macaroni with cut up hot dogs in it and powdered parmasean cheese mixed in after I drain it, then baked that with about the same amount of cheese he used. Admittedly it was unhealthy, it was trashy, but at least it tasted good and had 0 gloop.

[@smspain09]

You could totally make that taco mac thing as a lasagna, and that'd be better than this mess. Or maybe like a shepherd's pie with, like, a polenta crust?

[@eccod]

Did he just plop raw beef on his food scale? Has he not heard of the tare button?

[@bean8672]

I make nachos kinda like his gloop except I add carrots, kidney beans and zucchini. And then I put it over corn chips with sour cream.

[@bean8672]

And I season my shit.....not with ....prepacked stuff

[@avalonofbabylon3024]

23:16 freetos it needs freetos

[@sbushido5547]

Have you considered that it's multiple hermits in the cabin, and not just a hermit's cabin? Have you, Jake? I didn't think so.

[@bingusdingus7417]

Why... Only salt pepper onion powder and garlic powder.. No paprika??? No cumin????? No parsley?!?!? Gross. Please teach white ppl how to cook

[@Stasiaflonase]

So the halls of hell must be the path from the River Styx to actual hell, whichever one it may be.

[@darkblue7312]

Turkey Chili instead of ground beef, pico de gallo instead of pace or any jarred salsa. Boom! quicker, easier, cheaper, tastier, and possibly healthier My 2 cents on the taco mac

[@n0etic_f0x]

HE EVEN STIRS WRONG!

[@Fredric_Cedrich]

*Brit-Bongers “Wuss-teh-shire *Americans “Wohorer-ess-tash-shire”

[@TheCrippledEgg]

Lord of Cringe is like that school cafeteria cook you see in tv shows that makes unpalatable food but thinks they’re hot shit.

[@saininj]

Randy Marsh's Cafeteria Fraiche. Ironically enough, I think Lord of Cringe actually did that recipe. 😂

[@flobwad]

@Drop the Chalupa! Hospital food tastes like why I’m in a psychiatric hospital - severely depressing. Lord Of Cringe’s crap would be a hit on r/shittyfoodporn, but at least the people who post on that subreddit are aware of how shitty and depressing their food is.

[@avalonofbabylon3024]

18:24 don't abuse green cap salsa like that they did nothing to you Dave

[@avalonofbabylon3024]

I'm a vegetarian and am rarely disgusted by you people food but thin patties is where I draw the fucking line

[@jordanfaunadestroyer887]

there's a hamburger helper meal that's literally just this lol

[@jennifer-pm6ql]

Did jake ever did recreate the casserole Dave made?

[@Ace0fspades354]

I think you could keep the mac in, but cut down on the amount of salsa and cheese. Maybe add some fresh lettuce, avocado, and crushed up tortilla chips on top of each portion when you plate it. If you're vegetarian like me, Beyond beef crumble would work great.

[@MechanicalPencilGirl]

He couldn't add some bell peppers or something?

[@medusagorgo5146]

We all know that bell peppers are the first step towards flavor and Dave won’t stand for that.

[@straightMKchamp]

What really bothers me about the mac is how he didn't drain the beef, didn't simmer, and he mixed in the salsa. Honestly, I'd do the salsa afterward for a nice layering and well, reduce the amount of water in it that makes it so goopy lol. As you said too, probably have a crunch to it so have a layer of tostada shells or hell, some kind of corn chip. He pretty much made low-tier beefaroni. I also dislike that he doesn't mix in ingredients with his ground beef, he just hurls seasoning onto the burgers but hey, that's just me I guess...?

[@kronaperthro]

Aren't you supposed to cook the grease out of the beef rather than drain it? And actually brown the meat, not just grey it out like a lot of people who drain the beef do?

[@Vermillion_Treezzz3113]

I know dude's cooking at home, but since I work at a deli, it makes me cringe every time he's handling raw meat without utensils or gloves or anything. So gross, lol.

[@saga685]

RIP Dave’s colon

[@serwadeloyi4241]

what happen to the video you just uploaded about the quatering

[@ari_anon2228]

check his community tab

[@Fredric_Cedrich]

I can’t even by a quarter kg of cheese without getting catering packets!

[@GreyeHazel]

I definitely cannot get behind the two slices of American cheese. I like either 1 slice of American or 1 slice of cheddar on my burgers

[@dmanzawsome]

Does Dave have monochromia?

[@SilverDragonJay]

First second of the video and I think Jake's just looking at pictures of shit, great start

[@Nekulturny]

Honestly I think ALL Mexican and Tex-Mex food looks disgusting. I'm not saying I don't like it, I do like a lot of it, but lets be real, all of it just looks bad, and like somebody already ate it.

[@wickednwyld]

Not sure where you live, but I'm about 50 miles north of the border. Not all Mexican food looks like this.

[@mathieuleader8601]

something from Paltrow's cookbook

[@raichutoyou]

Warmed salsa?!! Ewwwww high crimes and misdemeanors...

[@MisterRorschach90]

Okay let’s be real. That taco Mac looks both disgusting and delicious at the same time. It should be called tacogdis Mac.

[@flobwad]

I mean, I’d give it a chance. I would probably launch it out the window after a spoonful, but I do like taco meat and sauce with cheese.

[@Nekulturny]

I'm just thinking is there mex food thats not gross looking? its a lot of ground beef and mashed beans, I'm sorry, that just never looks good, can taste really good, but never look good.

[@flobwad]

@@Nekulturny Quesadillas?

[@wickednwyld]

@@Nekulturny - Shrimp tacos and/or fish tacos.

[@ladynecro2575]

Clean dish club. Just ripping off bingeing with babish

[@PaperMacheHeart]

just make a tex-mex inspired lasagna

[@marzattackz6736]

the reason it's all gloopy is that it's cheap cheese. with all of ben shitholes millions he can't spring for some velvetta lmao, plasticky looking cheese is a sign of cheap because they use a substitute for the dairy.

[@wickednwyld]

Pre shredded cheese has a coating to keep it separated, so it doesn't fuse into a ball in the bag. That coating causes problems when you melt it.

[@Piterdeveirs333]

I wouldn't wish velvetta on anyone

[@PJF1981]

Getting strong Spongebob vibes from Dave, except Spongebob cooks good burgers.

[@daylightbright7675]

All of his food looks very unappetizing...

[@Andreapike]

He cooks like teenaged me

[@tubian323]

Lord of Beetus.

[@MisterRorschach90]

Hughe difference between gloop and glop.

[@verdantforce88]

his theme song is the same as RGR lol wtf

[@rosem6604]

I.... emmm... if I'd watched these and then, for some unimaginable reason was invited to his house for a meal... I'd have to decline for fear of who-knows-what's-been-spluged-into-my-sauce. And also because he's an angry POS. Musaka, btw, is nothing like this. Please do not insult other people's food, who prefer actual food without the melted worst-cheese-ever-goop all over it and the heart attack to go with it.

[@SecurityMonitorLizard]

I can't watch kay on stream anymore. She's such a sweet woman and lee is a champ.

[@flobwad]

Why does Dave use his hands for almost everything, and why is everything so poorly cut? Using hands to place the onions (that don’t look properly “diced”, they looked HAND-chopped (in my personal opinion I would shred slices of onion)), no tools to flatten the meat patties, that bacon should look less crusty if you’re gonna put it on a burger, there should be only ONE slice of cheese (and NO, in the 1980’s the American obesity rate was nowhere near as high as it is today.) I have absolutely ZERO experience in culinary art but if I had the time, there’s a large possibility I could shit a better burger.

[@JohnHassink]

He did announce the onions as "coarsely diced" (notwithstanding it's a poor choice IMO). But what's weird about using your hands for assembling a burger? BTW, you shouldn't push down or 'flatten' patties as they are being cooked. Not trying to defend this guy - this video showed up in my recommendations for some reason. I don't know who this is. :-) Agreed about the bacon and the overload of cheese. That looks terrible.

[@flobwad]

@@JohnHassink I don’t know. Shredding the onions on the burger (using a grater) would make more sense to me. Using your hands to sloppily place everything on top seems so, I don’t know. Messy. Untidy. Everything’s gotta be sorted correctly with me, it’s an autism thing. :/

[@JohnHassink]

@@flobwad Using a grater, to me would seem a waste of the onions (they would 'bleed' too much). ​If you want the "onion" quality with your burger, better throw some finely chopped shallots in your sauce, then. If you'd ask me, just cut said (white) onion in rings (or half-rings) and neatly add them to the burger. 3 or 4 rings max. For sure, this guy is being sloppy, with just about anything. Part of my point, though (having served hundreds, maybe thousands of burgers as a professional line cook and as a chef), there's nothing weird about assembling a burger with your hands. Every kitchen I've worked in, the only instance a tool is used, is a spatula to pick up and then slide the meat patty itself upon the bun.

[@flobwad]

@@JohnHassink Shallots! That’s what I meant about shredding an onion. I’m sorry, I have no culinary knowledge.

[@Piterdeveirs333]

@@flobwad if you use a grater to shred onions you will end up with a soaking wet pile of onions. Don't get me wrong, that would be lovely in a meatloaf but not so much on a hamburger

[@jabraun00]

CLEAN UR GRILL DAVE

[@sandieasmr4187]

Fantastic video

[@darkstar1360]

Why dose Dave sound unhappy in every video he makes?

[@wickednwyld]

Because he has to eat that crap he's cooking for days after making a video.

[@saininj]

These are my favorite segments from you Jake. How Lord of Cringe has the confidence to put his mediocre cooking out there is beyond me.

[@DanielDiaz-zz6ih]

"Politics"

[@BigJunnySoprano69]

Gloopy

[@wickednwyld]

He. Didn't. Drain. The. Ground. Beef. Just, ewww. 🤢

[@apt-get2587]

I would unironically eat Dave's taco mac, Jake's sounds awful tbh