Why Narcissistic Abuse Victims Avoid Cleaning and Tidying Up

Рет қаралды 323,415

Spot The Narcissist

Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 1 400

@mayLibertyprevail1a 3 ай бұрын

"Perceived Futility"--all day, every day! Most things, I feel like "why bother?"

@mayLibertyprevail1a 3 ай бұрын

It stems from the learned helplessness, I think.

@rascallyrabbit 3 ай бұрын

oh my. my mom said this all the time. "why bother? you can't win anyway." she did keep the house clean but no one was allowed to live in it. you can get away from this. little by little.

@debwendt7578 3 ай бұрын

Absolutely!

@elizeterblanche6609 3 ай бұрын

How does one escape?

@THENEONARCADE21 3 ай бұрын

So do I.

@erik_1953 3 ай бұрын

We simply don't want to be forced anymore. Not even by ourselves. We have had enough of these dictators.

@sophiacromwell8017 3 ай бұрын

💯

@bobbarker1798 3 ай бұрын

Absolutely!

@LeoniM0303 3 ай бұрын

This!!!

@FrisbeeGirl 2 ай бұрын

FACTS!!

@weronikaasomsson2404 2 ай бұрын

⚠❤Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Lord and Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤ He is about to remove His believers from this earth (Rapture) so they won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤He does not want rituals, He wants a relationship with you! Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA ( by Russia, China, North Korea), Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yasser Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.❤ Call out to Him today, ask the God of universe, your maker, to reveal himself to you! You want to know the truth after all, don't you?

@lorettar264 3 ай бұрын

Because we are so tired and drained mentally and physically.

@annthomson5648 3 ай бұрын

Right

@CaptainAnnie1718 3 ай бұрын

Yes.

@elizabethchan485 3 ай бұрын

Absolutely!!!

@nushraziyan1772 3 ай бұрын

It feels worst when you are called lazy for having a messy surrounding 😢

@ΚλορίνταΤζουβαλοπούλου 2 ай бұрын

😢ABSOLUTELY

@briandrake6881 3 ай бұрын

Learned helplessness... they abuse you to the point you feel you can "never" win regardless of anything...

@njhart6236 3 ай бұрын

And if you do manage to do a job or a project and actually finish it, your work will still be ripped to shreds. Like you said, it's a "Never Win"

@karenwilliams5724 3 ай бұрын

@@njhart6236 or they claim they did most of it sit it’s really them to admire.

@sadiamufti8890 3 ай бұрын

😢😢😢true

@horsefanatic44 3 ай бұрын

Wow this is so spot on

@weronikaasomsson2404 2 ай бұрын

@lucg5099 2 ай бұрын

A tip that I found in internet is to play an album or a podcast that you like, and clean only while it lasts. When it finishes, you stop. It worked for me.

@erikhermansen3431 2 ай бұрын

I can only clean with head phones....

@mayramirelisdelgado5698 2 ай бұрын

Thank you ❤. Great advice

@stephaniemickel3566 2 ай бұрын

Yes, when I attempt to clean I listen to audio books...It makes the time go by so much faster and before you know it, its clean. Unfortunately I definitely have inconsistent routines 100% and then perceived futility. UGG I'm determined to overcome this because I KNOW I AM worth it and WILL overcome this!!!

@linda_fruit 2 ай бұрын

❤

@antonking8784 2 ай бұрын

I concur... This helps

@annmerkel5476 3 ай бұрын

Don't forget the delightful likelihood that once you clean and feel proud of it, the narc will f it up, just to hurt you.

@DebYbarra 3 ай бұрын

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised. Narcs feel & believe pushing people down elevates them & puts themselves in control.

@yazajag 3 ай бұрын

Yep. They will undo everything you did and sabotage all of your work. Sometimes even people abused by narcissists take on those traits and don't realize it and that is also sad.

@UncleDavesKitchen 2 ай бұрын

good point

@VisibleTimes 2 ай бұрын

Exactly 💯

@Enoughalready20237 2 ай бұрын

My ex-husband would have that!

@bobpeters61 2 ай бұрын

For those of us who grew up with abuse usually accompanied by demands of endless household chores. Then the very act of cleaning up one's living space can itself be a trigger.

@elinebrock5660 2 ай бұрын

Absolutely true.

@moonlightstargem1006 Ай бұрын

I hate cleaning. I was treated like a slave

@lesleyvivien2876 13 күн бұрын

That's a thought! Growing up, I cleared, laid and cleared the table, and washed up. My mother shopped, planned and cooked. My father and younger brother ate the food. She laundered and I ironed, while my father and brother waited to wear the clothes and pyjamas. Result: I *hate* washing up and wouldn't be without a dishwasher: and no longer iron anything. If everything's knits/jersey, you don't need to. And my brother is a little tin god who thinks that routine self-maintenance is women's work, and therefore demeaning.

@emchammer1815 2 ай бұрын

It's a way of keeping people away too

@cherietalion 2 ай бұрын

Agree

@runoutofairydust4476 2 ай бұрын

Yes!! Its like I no longer want anyone in my personal space .no more side looks stares criticism. When I go out I'm immaculate and people think I must live a well ordered life at home ......

@HaakonOdinsson 2 ай бұрын

@@runoutofairydust4476I can relate to this

@kristalkure3370 2 ай бұрын

So true sadly

@rosieE121 2 ай бұрын

Yes. And to keep your space from being usurped.

@debralawson1299 3 ай бұрын

I've lived a 56 year lifetime of living with narcissists. I am exhausted and can hardly even go to work every day! Much less clean my house! It's hard as hell living in fight or flight mode from the day you were born! 😢

@spotthenarcissist 3 ай бұрын

It sounds like you've been through a lot. It's understandable to be exhausted, but please know you're not alone.

@debralawson1299 3 ай бұрын

@@spotthenarcissist thank you for your kindness. ❤️

@dariusthemede9403 3 ай бұрын

I'm 56. Can relate. All you can do is focus on what you like about yourself and do more of that person and as the video says "small steps" 🙏

@Thundercloud25 3 ай бұрын

I heard I was in flight or fight mode by a parent in my youth

@bobbarker1798 3 ай бұрын

I hope you are able to escape. It's worth it.

@rhondakoski2948 3 ай бұрын

Don't walk away from a narcissist, RUN!

@stevec3892 2 ай бұрын

When it’s your parents and older sisters you couldn’t . And they messed me up good

@eme117 2 ай бұрын

If you can't run you walk, if you can't walk you crawl.. Do things at the pace you can. The only time you can truly run from a narc is when you have other options, but that is not always the reality.

@monstercollie 2 ай бұрын

Comments like these are good for self preservation, but contribute to a harmful trend of seeing mentally ill people as monsters (heck, I'm a monster furry, and even monsters aren't all bad lol). I'm recognizing narcissism in myself, because of my partner. He's been so patient and persistent with me, even when I've hurt him. I've even recognized that maybe he'd have been better off without me, and not saving me from my narcissist mom. But he recognizes that I'm honestly trying to get better, and showing real significant improvement. I helped him realize his own self worth, saved him from his narcissist mom, and helped him find himself. And now I'm helping him repair his relationship with his mom, and even helping his mom fix her own narcissistic tendencies. Healing is possible. Change is possible. Even narcissists can get better, and are just as worthy and deserving of love as anyone else is. Besides, narcissists often create narcissists. Generational trauma is a thing. All that being said, it is best to leave if they show no signs of change, or even if they do, maybe you need your space while they figure themselves out. It's not your obligation to help your abuser be better, and it's ok to cut them off entirely. I just wanted to shine a light on how narcissists hurt inside too, and are beings worthy of love too.

@gregpendrey6711 2 ай бұрын

Go gray rock if No Contact doesn't seem to be an option. Leave because you won't die. Narc won't allow you to have a self. You are an individual unless you never became, in this case you are yourself a narcissist. Don't despair you can heal but there is no cure unfortunately.

@WaterlooExpat 2 ай бұрын

@@MizzMM Good question. Becoming better informed about the consequences of trauma once experienced, by watching a video such as this, for example, is a metaphorical form of "running."

@Lola-tq8nv 2 ай бұрын

As a kid suffering various childhood abuse, I cleaned, ironed, organized, put things like books & records in alphabetical order, redid homework until there were no mistakes - I'd get in trouble if I didn't. Everything had to be perfect and straight A, not allowed to go out with friends - yet would still be falsely accused of doing drugs or stealing, and punished - when I'd done nothing but be the dumpster of their critical, negative diatribes. They sabotaged my dating life. Decades later, away from it, I isolate, have trouble cleaning & throwing things away. Hard to focus.

@BusyBrainyBody 2 ай бұрын

Ditto. Identical experience

@untamed3916 2 ай бұрын

Me too 💔 @@BusyBrainyBody

@BetteBlaze13 2 ай бұрын

I can relate to this.

@avz-gfd 2 ай бұрын

I'm sorry for your ordeal. I can relate far more to what you are saying here than the video itself. We all cope differently.. Even when I cleaned I would be told "No you did not clean - look at this/that." How would one not get into trouble with a narcissist about anything that is remotely open for criticism?? ❤

@chrislowrance1207 2 ай бұрын

I had the same experience growing up from my mother, unfortunately my father was a verbally abusive alcoholic as well so he'd tear down my self image. I was a basket case by the time I was a teen. A male so needy for love that I became a target for other toxic people. I'm 52 now and still dealing with numerous issues, but I'm healing some.

@emmarae4322 3 ай бұрын

We are fkn exhausted, that's why.

@linda_fruit 2 ай бұрын

Yeah, used all of your energy to survive and cope, be kind to yourself ❤

@sugarmuffin319 2 ай бұрын

Oh yeah

@SeamsToCultivateDignity Ай бұрын

Most underrated comment 🏆🥇

@tuineilson895 2 ай бұрын

When you show interest in doing anything positive they go on a mission to discourage you. If that doesn't work they move on to sabotage. It's an emotional roller-coaster

@bryanpedgessr.1872 2 ай бұрын

Exactly! I used to clean to the point you could eat food off the ground. I used to go to the gym. I used to read for fun. I used to game for fun. I used to run for fun. I used to drive for fun. Everything that was fun is no longer fun. It causes anxiety and depression. I can’t even sleep more than four hours without being woken up to fight. ☠️

@lorrainelamour7224 2 ай бұрын

@@bryanpedgessr.1872 Get out. Get out now.

@KRH4Hwks 2 ай бұрын

Especially when I am trying to take better care of myself!! If I decide to work on shedding a few pounds, he notoriously brought home donut, or my fave, cinnamon rolls!! Sabotage is also Very Exhausting!! Like trying to go across the lake w/o any paddles!!!😊

@quinharely7280 2 ай бұрын

Fucking real. I remember the exact point where I just stopped putting forward the initiative to clean. I cleaned everything with out being asked cuz I thought it would help and my mother would be proud of me. Instead, i got threats, yelled at, and made to feel awful cuz I could remember exactly where I put one or two specific things. After that I never did anything with out being asked to. And got berated for it ever since. :/

@ia8874 Ай бұрын

@@quinharely7280 Rule 101: If the items is not yours, ask first for permission and only clean. If it is your stuff and you bought it with your own hard earned money, it is perfectly ok to clean out everything without asking anyone's permission.

@falconbritt5461 2 ай бұрын

Victims of abuse often also have autoimmune disorders, which cause inordinate fatigue. And tend to not eat well, leading to nutritional deficits, increasing fatigue. And may have trouble sleeping - or sleep too much - increasing fatigue. Not to mention depression, causing fatigue. Even the chaos of the house itself can overwhelm the mind of someone doing really well, while trauma victims have all the same symptoms as ADHD (brain fog, memory issues, focus issues, trouble staying on task, and time blindness) so help is urgently needed, even if someone just stands there with them. But often there is literally no one to call, because their friends bailed on them because they weren't fun enough or positive enough. There is no community support for abuse victims except very temporary housing for physical abuse.

@diane5593 2 ай бұрын

@@falconbritt5461 this is me right now

@VilleGardian 2 ай бұрын

.... because they weren't fun or positive enough. Yep.

@elianadavalos9306 2 ай бұрын

You said it perfectly 💯!

@ColetteSpencer-k5o 2 ай бұрын

Yep! Try hypnotherapy. Get lab work done. Check vitamin d, thyroid, b12. ❤

@scourneene 2 ай бұрын

Well described, thanks for sharing, so true sadly

@diane5593 3 ай бұрын

Clean person here. Not anymore. It was like one day I just stopped, collapsed,cried. Weird I remember it. Said to him, you don't care, I won't eather. He would never help me with anything,even when hospitalized.burnt out! Always doing it all.

@marielinke107 2 ай бұрын

Same.

@bibleprophecy4400 2 ай бұрын

Yep. We’re an inconvenience when we’re sick or hospitalized.

@MJJYANA 2 ай бұрын

Same. Even after 15 years out I still haven't found a balance in cleaning my own home.

@fortunecuki 2 ай бұрын

Im so sorry to here. I pray ur heart grows stronger w courage to love urself more. I pra that for myself too. Bc that's my biggest fear, ill get really sick. I'm dead if it depends on his attentiveness. My mom died 2 yrs ago and him and my 10 yo is all I really got. We have no family.😔 But, ido have God, and I am keeping the faith that my feet will move when He nudges. That's all I know right now, fortunately I know its more than most. 🙏🏼

@whyohwhy9679 2 ай бұрын

@@MJJYANA Oh, goodness, I feel that way too. I'm begging myself to clean and pick up, and I just can't do it. Small things feel huge.

@user-ux7yg2ch6i 2 ай бұрын

After a lifetime of abuse I'm now at a point where a relatively clean and tidy home, and a living space that I feel happy in, is a gift that I have decided to give to myself.

@piiinkDeluxe 2 ай бұрын

❤

@SallanDouglas 4 күн бұрын

That's what I want to achieve to

@sharminiserasinghe3293 3 ай бұрын

Avoiding cleaning and tidying up is caused by depression and anxiety as a result of narcissistic abuse.

@clintonnagy1662 3 ай бұрын

So true. Going through it now. I find myself putting it off saying " tomorrow I'll clean" but I don't. I use to love to keep my place tidy but I'm feeling " blah"....

@calidreams5379 3 ай бұрын

However, some may do the opposite and obsessively clean to try to gain a sense of control in a chaotic situation.

@ABG-fd8ur 3 ай бұрын

If I have to do "thinking work" at home, I make sure the house is neat and tidy first. When the house is messy, I don't think clearly. Strange but true.

@orianablack6809 2 ай бұрын

Oh so true.

@weronikaasomsson2404 2 ай бұрын

@cbeautifulworld11 3 ай бұрын

We often suffer from CPTSD from childhood and are physically ill as a result. It's true that "The Body Keeps the Score ".

@bonitocraftsarg 3 ай бұрын

Fibromyalgia here

@diane5593 2 ай бұрын

@@bonitocraftsarg me too.plus heart failure.I miss a cleaner home.

@weronikaasomsson2404 2 ай бұрын

@babsbybend 2 ай бұрын

My sister, her whole life living with our parents due to her undiagnosed autism, now has ALS.

@fibrowarriors 2 ай бұрын

It sure does!

@amerubix185 3 ай бұрын

"Victims of narcissistic abuse often feel like they are left in chaos with no one to help." LITERALLY. All narcissists in my life left me in chaos. In THEIR chaos. LITERALLY. Not only in a metaphorical sense. Leaving all their unwanted stuff behind, often in a most chaotic way. Leaving all up to me to clear everything out. Tons and tons of stuff. That's indeed a typical pattern of their irresponsibility and ignorance I repeatedly observed over the years. Always knowing their rights but never their duties.

@markh4926 3 ай бұрын

I was in AA and came to the conclusion that those people wanted to hurt me because I would not go along with the sex games. I would get a call from a woman and she'd ask me if I needed a ride to a meeting. I got ready and waited outside ten minutes earlier than she said. I fell for it two times and she never showed up. I got a call from another woman when I was recovering from critical surgery, she offered to bring me a dinner and I was excited because I'd just been eating frozen food. She never showed up. There are several other incidents. I concluded they were just interested to see who could hurt me the most. I left them after they accused me, in public, of being a predator.

@bobbarker1798 3 ай бұрын

Well said, and I would add, you can never find them on moving day.

@donaldcook3112 2 ай бұрын

@@bobbarker1798. . . My experience is that you can never ‘find’ anybody on moving days - almost without exception . And that’s after 20 moves in 40 years … God bless the very few who have helped - and those that do .

@TM15HAKRN 2 ай бұрын

Last sentence Absolute truth 👏 They subjugate...and chaos never ending

@diane5593 2 ай бұрын

@@amerubix185 love this take on it so much!! Just point on!

@RettaNRatchetRecover 3 ай бұрын

I stopped cleaning because he always told me I did nothing because I didn't have a job. When I got a job he left & I've been building my best life reprogramming my subconscious. Thank you for sharing this information. Healing is possible

@VisibleTimes 2 ай бұрын

Congratulations 🎉 you deserve the best.

@ColetteSpencer-k5o 2 ай бұрын

Yes! I got well through hypnotherapy. It changed my life! ❤

@nanditatiwari7882 2 ай бұрын

The is happening to me. I was not having the job for few years. And i was being treated like a burden. Finally, after 6 long years, i tried to start a fresh and started earning again. But, he started claiming all my salary every month by pressurizing me emotionally. Now i am separated and i have a loan of 16 lakhs. I am trying to build a better life for myself. Also trying to pay the loans. Pray for me😢

@rosecampbell8544 3 ай бұрын

I feel so tired, so drained 😢😢

@Thundercloud25 3 ай бұрын

Me too

@syedafatima8119 2 ай бұрын

I've reached the stage where daily cleaning doesn't feel so hard to me. Get away from your abuser. I've not spoken to my narcissistic mother for almost a year. Then I went on vacation to a new place. Ove I got back, I felt like a new person. Still figuring out a lot, but I'm taking it really slow and not beating myself up if I fail.

@weronikaasomsson2404 2 ай бұрын

@Abstractsvision 2 ай бұрын

It’s so funny because at work I can clean all day but where I live right now I can’t clean up a damn thing

@Healing454 2 ай бұрын

@@rosecampbell8544 Me too

@gustavedelior3683 2 ай бұрын

Some of us simply are so deep in mental escape that such things become trivial in the face of just trying to survive it.

@natascha5864 Ай бұрын

@gustavedelior3683; True. But we deserve better, and the only people who can make that happen for us are we ourselves...!

@gustavedelior3683 Ай бұрын

@natascha5864 I don't know about deserving, I feel you only get what you can take with your own power.

@natascha5864 Ай бұрын

@@gustavedelior3683 Well, for starters, people don´t deserve to be treated badly, meaning narcissists have no right to treat us the way they do, and that is why we don´t deserve to live in fear! That´s why I am saying we need to get out of the victim state and start taking back what we actually deserve and what narcissists have taken from us! Because we deserve better!!

@Toolbeltbunnygirl 3 ай бұрын

I actually began a measured thoughtful comment, then i started to to run down and deleted it half done w a "meh, i don't care. What does it matter?" and deleted it. This is a good example of the way i feel about almost everything and i act accordingly.

@SparkleSunflower123 3 ай бұрын

THIS!!! Insanely relatable.😮‍💨

@TG-ck5vw 3 ай бұрын

Yes!!

@lynnienorris5776 3 ай бұрын

To Thine Own Self Be True!

@joannacruz9818 3 ай бұрын

💯💯💯

@weronikaasomsson2404 2 ай бұрын

@oshifish2 2 ай бұрын

I was always told I was "doing it wrong" the stupidest things like dishwashing! He would physically take forks or knives out of my hand and throw them! Realllyyyyy helpfullll since I just cleaned them! Its taken me over fifteen years to get to some level of normalcy in my brain yet I still hear his voice even though I am five thousand miles away with an amazing husband. Sending healing vibes and love to whomever may read this. You are not alone and you are not LAZY! xo

@iamegbert 2 ай бұрын

Thank you. ❤

@grandmalizard4056 2 ай бұрын

I never understood why narcissists think they're doing soo much hard work and that everyone else is doing nothing but being lazy. In a narcissists mind if whoever's around them isn't working continuously working then the narcissist uses that as an excuse to not do anything at all except lay around running their never ending abusive mouth because they're so terribly afraid they might do more work than the other person does. What causes people to be like that???

@anon567 2 ай бұрын

Unfortunately my mom did this to me, no chore I did was up to her satisfaction. Even now. I developed a habit of not doing anything. And my sibling and father conveniently called me lazy. The truth is I try to do it perfectly taking too much time to do things and finally feeling tired. Result is clutter and a mess. Even that clutter is due to the hoarding habit I developed thanks to my parents. And now my husband the narc controls me.

@ritanelson8879 5 күн бұрын

Me too. Literally Took spatula out of my hand and threw it in sink. Then handed me a wooden spoon explaining why I'm supposed to use that. I threw the wooden spoon into the sink and retrieved my spatula back and declared I could use whatever I wanted. And if he didn't like it, he could cook. That shut him up.

@ritanelson8879 5 күн бұрын

@grandmalizard4056 my ex Saud "I bring home the bacon, and that's my job (and nothing else so don't even ask me).

@kathybrem880 3 ай бұрын

I’ll tell you why--it’s because nothing is ever good enough not matter what you do

@NynkeVanderhoek 2 ай бұрын

So True, you have cleaned the whole place and feel good about it and he comes home and does it all over again as if you did not do anything.😢

@methatswho300 2 ай бұрын

its never enough😞

@mp-jg1hu 2 ай бұрын

Do it for you, not the abuser.

@Reabona1 Ай бұрын

This is my mother. I hate cleaning with a passion because cleaning is a weapon to belittle

@robertthomas6907 3 ай бұрын

I’m too tired and it’s never good enough.

@methatswho300 2 ай бұрын

its never enough😞

@user-cj1qf3ju5 2 ай бұрын

@@methatswho300you are so right

@WillowMurdock 3 ай бұрын

Breaking it down into smaller tasks is still overwhelming because I don't know which part of the task is more important and/or is the starting point.

@pufpufpuffin 3 ай бұрын

I don’t know if this is useful at all but I would always start with a table. I’d clear the clutter, wipe it and have this one small space of serenity where I could sit down, have a cup of tea, light a candle, make lists, read, whatever. Just one small space that felt clean, cozy and peaceful. Some days it would motivate me to expand and clean other areas that were essential for daily use, like kitchen counter if I wanted to make dinner, bed for sleeping, and so on. Other days I couldn’t do more, but that one small space still meant something.

@WillowMurdock 3 ай бұрын

@@pufpufpuffinOH THANK YOUUU!!! 🥹🤗

@giessenundgeniessen 3 ай бұрын

Write down each of your tasks on a piece of paper, fold them and put all the pieces of paper in a box, set a timer (e.g., 15 minutes), pick one piece of paper, and start immediately! Do this until the box is empty, then start over again…

@helenhighwater5313 2 ай бұрын

@@pufpufpuffin The kitchen sink and the toilets are always clean regardless of how chaotic the rest of the house is.

@pisceananarchyvortex7223 2 ай бұрын

Thank u@@giessenundgeniessen

@CQ-369 2 ай бұрын

Part of my narcissistic mother's "punishment" was to make me clean the house. I guess I still see it as punishment.

@sage_forensics_2261 3 ай бұрын

🙏💜⚔ If "cleaning" was part of your abuse--especially as a child, then that could definitely affect things as well. Many Family Scapegoats have experienced this; I know I did. Yes, I have struggled with things presented in this video; however, choosing NOT to clean simply to prove I could was something I did in the past, for sure! It is a way to reassert your power and individuality or agency, but eventually...you do need to clean. I would suggest doing it on your own terms by making your own schedule. You don't have to clean how your parents or abusers made you do things. Of course not! Clean as often and in the way that seems right to you. You are taking care of YOUR home now--not theirs. Do what feels right to you at your pace. Peace, love, and strength to all...🙏💜⚔

@spotthenarcissist 3 ай бұрын

I'm glad you can relate and that you're finding your own way to take care of yourself.

@richardjohanson612 3 ай бұрын

@@sage_forensics_2261 kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z5Pcn5uJo7Z6oJIsi=UBarhQGsxjSkBPB2

@im_noToKa 3 ай бұрын

.. like growing up a military brat

@RonSafreed 3 ай бұрын

Notice in these Lifetime & WE Women's Entertainment movies of abusive narcissistic & psychopathic spouses, they use cleaning as a weapon say against the wife after they destroy things say clean up this mess honey!!

@stevensawyer5924 3 ай бұрын

I was responsible for all household cleaning, inside and out at age 7. No matter how good a job I did, it was never ever good enough and resulted in a beating. I'm 67 now and still get triggered from doing household chores.

@toots810usa6 3 ай бұрын

It's taken me 25 years and finally finding a good therapist to get me to the point where I want my space clean for myself!

@marysalvi242 2 ай бұрын

@toots810usa6 happy for you - therapy is work, hard work. Reaching goals making efforts etc is rewarding. Oh and yes the pace for clearing your path is time consuming; that's okay learning is ongoing - 76 years old here & find oh shoot, "this is the worse mess I've ever been" though KNOW even though impatient not being hard on myself. ~ take care ~

@Kat1791 3 ай бұрын

Thank you. ...Throwing ADHD into the mix makes things especially challenging. These are all so true for me.

@juliet3813 2 ай бұрын

I have that and my kids. A sand timer work great. The two and a half minute size. Flip that thing and we turn into cleaning ninja

@SteveChiller 3 ай бұрын

these are the types of videos we should be showing in schools.

@sfkeepay 2 ай бұрын

Yes and no. The information is great…even essential. But the images are terribly skewed…almost 100% adult female victims apparently from relationships. The reality is there’s one male victim for every two female, plus children, other relatives, even close friends and co-workers. Fix the representation problems and then absolutely it should be in schools.

@im3phirebird81 2 ай бұрын

@@sfkeepay Yeah as if that wasn't a conscious decision.

@sfkeepay 2 ай бұрын

@@im3phirebird81 , I just kinda assumed it was either that they hadn’t thought it through, or that it’s harder to find the right kind of stock footage with guys. Either way though, it’s a gaping omission.

@zanyyetreal8123 2 ай бұрын

I thought I was the only one giving up on tidying and organizing! This helped immensely. almost like a blessing to have appeared! I think this is my breakthrough to start healing like nothing else could come close to open my eyes seeing the light shine so bright! Finally! Thanks s million! ✅⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 8:23

@jesLstout 2 ай бұрын

i feel like this was a literal godsend coming across my feed. serendipitous and "unprompted," except by universal law and theory of manifestation. i, too, hope that this will be the impetus i need to push me into forward motion 🙏🏼 namaste, good friend

@BognaZone 25 күн бұрын

"Perceived futility" - brilliant. Applies to everything.

@bintefiroz7319 2 ай бұрын

I feel so bad, so tired, no physical or mental strength.

@gho5t504 3 ай бұрын

After the discard, all of my habits and systems crashed. I stopped taking care of myself and my space turned into a disaster. All of my wishes and plans were postponed for a year and a half. She did try to hoover me back in couple of months ago, but that didn't work out the way she expected. I'm taking small steps now, but it takes a while to get myself moving. Right now I'm operating at 20-ish percent of a man I used to be before the dynamic.

@maiakai5459 3 ай бұрын

I'm on the same page, I was discarded and hoovered. My dreams were put on hold and missed a lot of opportunities for half a decade and I looked a lot older than my age. Having watched podcast about narcissism helped me a lot to determine the pattern and had put all the pieces together that educated me toward my exit during the Part 2 of the narc's playbook. I'm on towards my healing process right now after 2 yrs of being away from him, awaiting for the divorce i filed. Through God's love and comfort I am a lot peaceful than I was 10 yrs ago and I know all things work together for good to those who love Jesus. It wasn't an easy road, but there'll always be a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Be blessed, we got this!!!

@barbarabode4041 3 ай бұрын

Hope you can heal 🙏

@RonSafreed 3 ай бұрын

I am 68 years old & a whole lifetime of being around many, many narcissists has squeezed me like a lemon, but now no lemon juice is left & it is like I don't care anymore & I even have rats but don't care

@clintonnagy1662 3 ай бұрын

Sorry to hear about your relationship ending. That's very disheartening. I can relate to your post. Everyday I operate on a level of 30 percent if I'm lucky. I keep asking myself what is it about this woman that messed up my life and mental health? I never did drugs, but I feel I'm going through a withdraw. This is very strange. I haven't feel a loniness like this before. Everything reminds me of her.

@maiakai5459 3 ай бұрын

@@clintonnagy1662 abuse is real! Rumination is intense! Stockholm syndrome! Cognitive resonance! It lingers forever but we have to endure and overcome the pain! I console myself by thanking God everyday that He carefully took me in the palm of His hand and effortlessly guided me out from that agony. I stopped my therapy and busied myself. It's high time for self-love! Be blessed!

@deeprollingriver52 3 ай бұрын

Our surroundings mimic our feelings

@tiffanybluetarot 3 ай бұрын

He’s either stolen or destroyed everything…my entire home…my mind…my heart…my soul. I’ve tried to rebuild, but right when I make some progress, he returns and tears it all down all over again.

@tonipeterson954 3 ай бұрын

I have a demon CN just like that too

@shanellem6310 3 ай бұрын

Don't let him back. Remember what he's done to you, how you felt, how selfish he is, & recognize that you can't help him. It's not your job to help him. He has to help himself, and he won't. Let him go & you will eventually find peace & strength to rebuild. Decide the type of person you want to be & work towards that, one step at a time. Also, set boundaries specifically to protect yourself from him. I'm almost 3 years divorced from my covert narc ex-husband. I have to co-parent with him and can recognize when he's trying to pull me in now. His tricks & manipulations no longer work. I've set boundaries to protect myself - no calls after 9pm. My phone is scheduled to go to DND. He'll still try it; but, I won't see his messages/calls till the next day. Then, I choose whether to respond or not. Also, he's not allowed to come to my house- EVER. We agree on a schedule & I drop our son off. If he doesn't stick to it, I just document, knowing that at some point, we'll be heading to court. He's not on child support as we share parenting time. He provides financially for our child, & so far, he's behaving himself. But, I'm fully aware that I might end up in court. This peace is limited. He can't keep this up. Anyway, I will attend family events as my family are in another state and I get along with his Mom & daughter. But, I still limit my time with them. Mom is an enabler and his daughter is aware of how he is; but, right now still has to live with him.

@michaelgarrow3239 3 ай бұрын

Get a restraining order.

@lynnienorris5776 3 ай бұрын

@@tiffanybluetarot IGNORE

@MoonlightDivinity 3 ай бұрын

Boundaries! FiRM BOUNDARIES!

@lulabelle4760 3 ай бұрын

I hate cleaning because I felt like Cinderella. I had to clean the house while my brothers and sister got to go outside and play all day everyday. So now I go outside everyday and do what I love to do-garden.

@bryanpedgessr.1872 2 ай бұрын

My wife treats me this way. If I try to clean I am berated for not helping with the kids. She doesn’t clean though. I am berated for not spending time with her. Any time I leave the house I am called abusive for “abandoning” her, even if it’s to run errands for food and household supplies.

@lulabelle4760 2 ай бұрын

@bryanpedgessr.1872 WOW Bryan how and why do u tolerate the abuse? Sounds like your marriage and life is dreadful. If your staying for the kids they are probably just as miserable as You are. So so sorry for you Bryan. 🙏 things will get better🙏

@thedivinefeminine1821 2 ай бұрын

@@bryanpedgessr.1872Bryan you deserve a better woman. If any guy went out of his way to help me clean or do chores I'd be thrilled.

@WeezieV 2 ай бұрын

@@bryanpedgessr.1872 no, please don't take advice on people telling you that you should leave her. They aren't thinking about vows, the covenant or promises that were made. You both can work together (with help) to learn self-actualization and how to improve your marriage. Hurting doesn't mean that there is no hope. 😢

@cherylhughes2988 2 ай бұрын

All you want to do is exist in peace. Just sleep.

@Thundercloud25 2 ай бұрын

Exactly

@a.humphries8678 2 ай бұрын

Yep. And my narc just tries to shame me out of it.

@tracih.4488 2 ай бұрын

You lose your sense of self worth. Even after you have gotten rid of the narcissist, there is a part of you that feels unworthy. You don't ask for assistance with anything out of fear of judgement or hearing a flat out "no". The energy, motivation and looking forward to a positive future is hard to imagine. My way of cleaning and organizing is getting rid of anything that I'm not using that someone else may need/want. Although 10 years of mistreatment was hard, I have learned to let go of the material things and people no longer hurt my feelings.I had to do a lot of "self talk" to remind myself that people are who they are and to remove anyone from my life that is toxic. I adopted a puppy and life is so good. Animals are genuine. Thank you for making this very true and truly helpful video. ❤❤❤

@pinkpaprika8410 2 ай бұрын

I think my mess is like a protective barrier against people‘s judgement and criticism. Only those who are willing to face it for my sake are worthy of being allowed in.

@L-ln5fk 3 ай бұрын

I achieved many things in life, but still have a hard time with cleaning. I was scapegoated by my family of origin as a child and I remember how I had to clean the bathroom every weekend and my abusive mother was never satisfied. She found little dots and wanted me to clean the bathroom 100% perfectly. She totally broke my self esteem about me being capable of cleaning anything right. And yes, while healing from childhood trauma, I had so much work with negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety, helplessness etc. that tyding up was the last thing on my mind. I'm taking it slowly, day by day and there is progress. I'm learning to be nice to myself and try to be my own best parent, my adult self.

@catebannan7343 3 ай бұрын

What was helpful for me: had a professional organizer to help clear clutter, a cleaner to do the basics. Was so happy with my more organized and cleaner home, was able to maintain on a regular basis as was more manageable . Yes, a bit costly to begin, but, worth it in the long run. Appreciate that all may not be e able to manage the cost, though.

@spotthenarcissist 3 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing!!

@HELL-BENT74 2 ай бұрын

Majority of people don’t have the money to hire any form of professional help.

@catebannan7343 2 ай бұрын

@@HELL-BENT74 yes, as I acknowledged. Perhaps enlisting family or friends for an initial “ go ‘round”. Certainly, a complicated Catch 22 situation to move forward.

@ChanelThomas248 2 ай бұрын

You can reclaim yourself! I did it! It’s a long, hard struggle when you’ve been beaten down for so long. It takes time. Just take one small step forward at a time. Eventually, you will get there! Reclaim the space in your head!

@SoberChic81 Ай бұрын

This is what I have had to do at first I felt guilty but it’s been a blessing and yes financially it’s tight but this has helped me regain some autonomy and confidence and strength because I can focus on myself emotionally and mentally. My space is clean and all I’m doing is maintenance❤

@lrow5416 2 ай бұрын

The come-back from narcissistic abuse can take years but it also takes self-compassion and patience. We’ve gone through spiritual, emotional, sometimes physical combat and in the recovery is all the learning and remembering of self-worth. This is the place where we can help each other. ♥️

@PBerning 3 ай бұрын

A few years ago, I was decluttering and feeling great. I had some open spaces, and my narc husband put his things in my clearer spaces. I had to messify my spaces so he didn't take over. The spaces I've lost, I've not gotten back. It doesn't matter what I say or do. Plus, he keeps online shopping and bringing more in. So I did give up for the most part. But now, I'm working in his office because "it's too dusty" and so he can't use it. I'm shredding a lot of old paperwork so the kids and I won't have to deal with it later. I'm making plans for my future and theirs. So I'm feeling more motivated to declutter and keep messifying my space. I also want to say that my elderly narc husband who is disabled and home all the time likes to create instability all day long. Whatever I'm in the middle of doing, he will purposely devalue it by demanding attention and help. He does this with our teens, too. It stinks. At least, I'm figuring out what is going on and I have a counselor now who also specializes in NPD.

@user-pb3sb3un7n 3 ай бұрын

Put his narcissistic behind in a home. Divorce him so you don't have to pay any of his bills. Don't give up on yourself. I left after 36 years and I'm in the process of reclaiming everything - my mind, money, health, sexuality, sense of style, and all choices - food, where I go, who I want to include in my social circle, what I want to study, where I want to work. Dump him and get the life you deserve. I believe in you. I know you can do it.

@ChanelThomas248 2 ай бұрын

Leave his @$$. He wants to bring you down to his level by making you do DAMAGE CONTROL!

@GaiaBD 2 ай бұрын

Plan an exit before he becomes totally dependent on you and has you trapped. Be an example for your teens that they don't have to put up with this kind of disrespect and treatment, and that if they behave like him in the future they can't expect others to put up with it.

@PBerning 2 ай бұрын

@@GaiaBD Yes, I agree. I'm preparing an exit plan.

@WhiteWolfBlackStar 3 ай бұрын

My friend’s mom is a psychologist. His place was always trashed. ‘One sock at a time.’ She told him. It was one of the most memorable and amazing things I’d ever heard on the subject! Miss Joyce!

@yazajag 3 ай бұрын

I watch Magic Midwestern Cleaning I think the channel is called and the guy talks about starting with ine square foot. Don't look at the entire space just focus in a tiny area and it helps. I will also say I have a friend that is a therapist who was I believe the scapegoat child and her father screamed on her ti clean and her mother just did it for her and now I have the opposite problem. I need my home clean and nice and she does not care or have the same idea as what clean is as I do and it bothers me A lot because I also have sensory issues. I cannot keep up cleaning after two adults, I can only deal with myself and I don't feel good living in a messy home so having this issue is a real nightmare for me.

@WideAwakeSpiritually 2 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this video to help those of us who struggle understand why we are like this. It’s a feeling of living in constant shame, anxiety and hopelessness that some people don’t understand.

@CHT420 3 ай бұрын

I do that - usually have to take a break even sometimes 3 hour nap because I’m just exhausted emotionally/physically (even just washing a sink full of dishes) As I got older these issues have just bogged me down. When younger I was a cleaning machine, I feel useless most days especially if my energy level is low

@DebYbarra 3 ай бұрын

❤ You can do it. I have faith in you. 🎉

@iamegbert 2 ай бұрын

I feel exactly the same way. I was with my husband for 30 years. Washing the dishes is overwhelming. I take 3-4 hour naps frequently. I’m exhausted.

@CHT420 7 күн бұрын

@@DebYbarra 🥺

@CHT420 7 күн бұрын

@@iamegbert 🥺

@slavid.6452 2 ай бұрын

I‘m living all this right now, hard to describe my situation. It’s horrible.

@VisibleTimes 2 ай бұрын

You are not alone. I am just now living this on a daily basis and trying to get as much knowledge as I can. I still clean for personal reasons even though I know he will destroy it. I am just getting to understand why he acts like that. God bless you and praying for all who have to struggle to deal with such a nightmare

@veronicaladd5821 2 ай бұрын

I'm the same, all I can do is sit there and look at it ❤

@graveyardghost2603 3 ай бұрын

The reason I dont clean unless absolutely necessary is bc I spent my entire childhood cleaning my narc stepmom's house every day. So I decided that as an adult, I was going to waste as little time as possible on cleaning.

@christievanderlaan7575 2 ай бұрын

Same

@susanmercurio1060 2 ай бұрын

I won't make my bed because my mother and stepfather both beat me if I didn't make my bed perfectly. I decided that, as an adult, I could decide whether or not to make my bed and I don't have to.

@markh4926 3 ай бұрын

Finding someone to support or just listen to you. That's a task because very few people are interested or have no idea what it's like, so they think you are just a complainer.

@clintonnagy1662 3 ай бұрын

Same here. My friends and family think I'm just complaining also.I have to explain I'm crippled from the discard. Confused, angry,& depressed. Then I remind myself " It's NOT me, and she has a mental illness.".

@Thundercloud25 3 ай бұрын

Thank you!So damn true unfortunately

@Thundercloud25 3 ай бұрын

@@clintonnagy1662Can relate ugh

@satsumamoon 2 ай бұрын

some people think youre horrible to talk about your spouse that way.

@susanmercurio1060 2 ай бұрын

I keep asking and asking my social worker for a housekeeper, which in my state (Minnesota) is paid for by an Elderly Waiver program. All they do is drag their feet. My landlord (more narcissists) tried to evict me for the messy apartment but I got a great lawyer and he is holding the social worker's feet to the fire.

@seboconnor1934 3 ай бұрын

I’ve been using an internal monologue of my own to help myself clean, telling myself “you’re so good at this. What a clever way to go about this. Look at the progress you’ve made.” If the ~other~ internal monologue starts to fight back and try to send me into a freeze state, I will say the new monologue out loud to drown out the nasties.

@stephaniefrancis6080 2 ай бұрын

Thanks. I'm taking this as good advice to help me get started.❤

@coralmccrystal4606 2 ай бұрын

What a good idea! I'm going to try this too. 😊

@springboard1994 2 ай бұрын

I love that! I said it 2 or 3 times just now and can already imagine how it will help 😊

@Loveyloveeeee 2 ай бұрын

See I knew it, everyone kept telling me it had to do with my now ex bf. I was always a clean freak and organized. Since I met my narcissist ex I do the basic cleaning and some things are not organized. I even stopped working out, surprisingly not gained weight, he made me not want to eat. I loved working out. I have no energy, yet can’t sleep at night. Me being unorganized reflects on how I feel about my life. A MESS. I know I will get back to the norm one day. Thank you for this. ❤❤❤

@turquoisedream4027 3 ай бұрын

I fell down the steps while on Covid meds last summer and sprained both my ankles and was in a lot of pain, mentally and physically. After this, my home started getting extremely out of sorts and messy. It’s been over a year now and I’m making great strides but it is astonishing how fast things can get out of control for anyone. This video made me feel More human. Thank you so much💪🏼🙏❤

@Mom4cool 2 ай бұрын

Since I have had a narcissist in my life since birth. I have struggled with feeling worthless my entire life. Finally, free of them and discovering am neurodivergent has brought enlightenment, freedom and self worth. My home is in better condition than ever.

@MGTOWPsyche 3 ай бұрын

The narcissist will leave messes everywhere and creates a chaotic home and they can tolerate more mess than you can, and they let you clean up after them because they know you will get sick of the mess before them. A narcissist can drop beer on the floor and leave the stain on the floor for a long time as they hope you will clean it for them. Narcissist will leave dirty knives and plates in your way and spaces and leave drawers open and cannot put things back where they took them because the narc feels entitled to not having to do anything after using something if it is not in their way.

@calidreams5379 3 ай бұрын

The only time narcissists “care” to keep anything clean is to show off a new car, clothes, home, etc. and as soon as they tire of it, they discard and never clean or take care of, exactly like they do with people.

@Seimonster27 2 ай бұрын

While this comment describes my s.o. exactly, I also think that some of the motivation behind doing these things is. A sub conscious coping mechanism for stiffled childhood traumas and that he builds that mess up around him as a sort of fortress of protection to keep others out to protect himself from the possibility of being hurt again. Cuz I can clean an area, and he will go and pretty much immediately mess it up again. I don't think he's always self-aware of what he's doing when he does it though.

@MGTOWPsyche 2 ай бұрын

@@Seimonster27 it is spiritual ...they hate order and need chaos around themselves to feel less chaos inside them.

@VisibleTimes 2 ай бұрын

@@Seimonster27thank you for sharing

@VisibleTimes 2 ай бұрын

@@MGTOWPsyche💯

@laurabfromvt6197 2 ай бұрын

It's not just depression and anxiety from narcissistic abuse that makes it hard to clean. I find it's related to any kind of emotional slump. As soon as I start feeling better I can get rid of the piles. To get started I often set a 20 minute timer because that seems doable. Then I usually set another 20 minute goal.

@CGNeko 2 ай бұрын

Perceived futility indeed, especially when the narcissist continues to generate the mess around you.

@lizstraub6621 3 ай бұрын

My bedroom closet has become a monster that scares me...I hit the "Why bother?" wall awhile ago...I have two laundry baskets full of clean, folded clothes that I can't seem to empty and put away. Today, I changed my bedsheets, put my winter bedspread on the bed, and tomorrow I'll deal with the dirty sheets and my summer spread. Hopefully.

@DebYbarra 3 ай бұрын

❤ You can do it!

@JoyPeace-ej2uv 2 ай бұрын

Why put them away it is an extra step! As long as you can find what you want when you want it that is practical. You do not have to live your life by artificial rules. Hang certain clothes up so they don't get fold lines if that bothers you and leave the rest where you are fine with them. In fact if it makes you more comfortable get two more baskets for the dirty clothes.

@3209-f4h 3 ай бұрын

Good is never good enough for them.!

@chakkakon 2 ай бұрын

In 2021, I spent the entire day cleaning the whole house and it looked beautiful. He came home and called it a $hithole. I never cleaned again other than wiping counters and sink, dishes, toilets, sink, tub and laundry. Now it’s a $hithole.

@stephaniefrancis6080 2 ай бұрын

And here I am sitting in my choatic messy dusty room listening to this podcast.

@beatrix-ec1xf 2 ай бұрын

Same. 😢 I left a bad relationship that took 12 years of my life. I've been abandoned by family and fell into a very abusive relationship at 16. It has been a real struggle I've been working since I was 16 and gave up everything for that relationship to be treated like waste. And this abuser keeps trying to come back it's like he's not finished with his work. He doesn't want me to be happy or thrive or live a life I want. He wants to drag me to hell and ride me like a surf board. I hate him so much. He has ruined and changed me in awful ways. I haven't been happy in a long long time.

@JoyPeace-ej2uv 2 ай бұрын

@@beatrix-ec1xf Move. Lose the loser. If you can get a friend to be a room mate that will seriously help get him to go away.

@ginaofficer2595 3 ай бұрын

Here is another one. Those who were raised in a home that had become more like a museum than a home meant to impress others and receive praise struggle with cleaning. You were micromanaged in everything that you did to ensure nothing became out of place, stained, or scratched in the home. Imagine not being able to sit on your bed because it might break a bedspread thread, touch a wall because it could leave a fingerprint, or use a desk because the desk might get scratched. You were snapped at if something accidently slipped out of your hand because you were exhausted. When they visited your home, they criticized your things for not being perfect. You were left feeling of less value and worth compared to objects or other people's opinions, and yet it was okay for you to be damaged by other peoples words. You don't mind cleaning, but you know it will never be good enough and will be criticized, causing you anxiety.

@ben_pettit_4264 2 ай бұрын

😢

@JoyPeace-ej2uv 2 ай бұрын

@@ben_pettit_4264 Which is why I decorate with comfortable soft things and organic styles like pictures of plants or animals that are not museum like and ones drawn by my children or grand kids warts and all.

@vhayashi7369 2 ай бұрын

Every time I clean, it gets destroyed immediately! 😢😡

@ebeb516 2 ай бұрын

This comment 👆

@sfkeepay 2 ай бұрын

Ditto.

@VisibleTimes 2 ай бұрын

💯

@JoyPeace-ej2uv 2 ай бұрын

Narcs do that on purpose do you have one in your life now?? Can you get out of the relationship??

@methatswho300 2 ай бұрын

yep....never fails🙄

@azazellon 2 ай бұрын

Seeing this in my recommended made me cry. Thank you. Thank you. Months of not moving shit out of my room, feeling drained and useless. I'm so fucking broken. My own mess makes me fucking break down.

@renee8813 2 ай бұрын

This 💯💯💯🙏🙏🙏

@DiaryofaNarcissistsDaugh-ki2ct 2 ай бұрын

I live in the mind-state of "rebellion", to my own detriment, because I feel like crap when my house is untidy. When I look around at the mess, I still hear my mothers SCREAM RAGING voice ordering me to clean up. As an adult, what peeved me the most is if she came to my house and I was in the middle of having a clean up or clean out, she'd raise her eyebrows and smirk in her own little way, as only narcissists can do, and say "Having a little clean up are you?" To anyone else, that would sound harmless, but she always had a hidden belittling meaning behind it and that was, that I was incapable or "lesser" for being in that state in the first place. Mind you, she was and is no clean freak herself and as a child, it was often HER mess I was ordered to clean up. But as you know, narcissist can do no wrong. As a result of her verbal abuse during my formative and adult years, I often find myself looking at my mess and I sit motionless and powerless and ultimately physically and mentally exhausted because I relive everything that she ever said and did, because a big part of me feels like I'm still cleaning for her instead of myself. I'm fully no contact now (7 months to date) but it is early days and exorcising that she-demon who took hostage of my brain is no easy task.

@sfkeepay 2 ай бұрын

This is what my grandmother did to my mom, and what my great-grand father inflicted on my grandmother. It’s so powerfully wounding and insidious. I hope your recovery is complete and permanent. All the best to you.

@DiaryofaNarcissistsDaugh-ki2ct 2 ай бұрын

@@sfkeepay Thank you. x

@susanmercurio1060 2 ай бұрын

Flashbacks

@JoyPeace-ej2uv 2 ай бұрын

@@DiaryofaNarcissistsDaugh-ki2ct Feel free to tell that ghost voice in your head to get lost when you hear it and tell yourself something nice in its place. Practice it enough and maybe you will stop hearing the nasty.

@Harmony357-61 2 ай бұрын

After being with him for almost 3 decades i finally just sat down and quit everything during the last few years with him. Later, i realized i was paralyzed in that horrible fog. I felt if i did anything it would be met with some form of criticism. It didn't matter what i said or did i was to be told by him always that it was wrong. I may never completely recover but i am at a place where i learned to deal with my triggers and have deep compassion for myself. I wouldn't wish this type of abuse on my worst enemy. You truly do believe the words of the people you love.

@sage9836 3 ай бұрын

I usually started making obvious things so they look nice to others, but this time I started from the inside out - my closet, dresser, and makeup. This made my day more streamlined. Things got a little easier and gave me a small but valuable percentage of energy. A little is amazingly effective.

@NikkiGRocks4Ever 3 ай бұрын

For me, cleaning is about getting my life back. I agree about starting small. As you see progress, you feel better about yourself and your environment. I make the decision to make my home better. I deserve to have a nice home. I refuse to let the narcissist win. I went to the store. I bought a box of garbage bags. Slowly I look at objects that remind me of the narcissist. I ask myself, Do I keep it? Do I donate it? Do I throw it away? I mostly throw it away or donate it. It is a freeing experience. I want my home to be a place where I am happy and at peace.

@JoyPeace-ej2uv 2 ай бұрын

My mom decorated in a sterile uncomfortable way so I decorate in a comfortable happy way. That is a place I want to keep clean. It does not remind me of getting yelled at.

@NikkiGRocks4Ever 2 ай бұрын

@ Good for you. 👏👏👏 Make a home into a place that brings good feelings such as peace joy happiness needs to be the goal. It’s the freedom to be you. After all, it’s your home.🏠🏰

@joannacruz9818 3 ай бұрын

I can relate. I don't want to do anything at all anymore. He just passed away a cpl months ago which made me feel even worse. I don't understand why I just can't seem to get myself & life together, I feel like I just don't care about almost anything at all anymore besides my children of course

@DebYbarra 3 ай бұрын

❤ You will be able to take baby steps & clear up little clutters one day at at a time.

@susanmercurio1060 2 ай бұрын

Try to use compassion towards yourself. I have been struggling with the same thing: why I can't get myself and my life together (except no deaths) and I'm using compassion for the first time. It's a struggle.

@VisibleTimes 2 ай бұрын

Perhaps as you grieve you will grow into the person you were meant to be. Be kind and patient with yourself and celebrate the fact that you survived. I know it will be difficult but give yourself time, grace and compassion and find yourself again. You are worth it.

@JoaquinArguelles 10 күн бұрын

NUMBER 11: Whether you clean up or not, you will get abused, so why bother. You are already confused, frustrated, angry, exhausted and in emotional pain. No matter what you do, you're gonna get lied to, gaslit, yelled at, blamed, manipulated and worn down, so why bother. Run!

@pakazard 15 күн бұрын

Don‘t forget, that when the abuser has also been acting like your stuff is theirs (or even threw your stuff out), the urge to keep as much as possible is very real..

@MichaelKevin-l6y 2 ай бұрын

Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other

@Marianna-e6w 2 ай бұрын

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.

@MichaelKevin-l6y 2 ай бұрын

I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.

@Marianna-e6w 2 ай бұрын

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?

@MichaelKevin-l6y 2 ай бұрын

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

@Marianna-e6w 2 ай бұрын

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

@milliehummer4713 2 ай бұрын

I got beaten by my sociopathic narcissistic ex-husband for “not cleaning properly.” He would wake me up at 2 in the morning screaming & drunk demanding I clean the sink, slamming me into the wall. Once almost chocking me into unconsciousness. Now I have a hard time keeping my house tidy in unconscious rebellion. I never called the police to report my abuse & my teenage son who witnessed the beatings was convinced by his father to lie in court. I feel ashamed but I really think he would have killed me if he hadn’t abandoned us for his alcoholic girlfriend. God has protected me & I must move forward.

@RaynaGrimm Ай бұрын

if god let that happen to you in the first place i doubt it was god that saved you later.. why did god not protect you during the abuse, why did god not get your child to do the right thing and tell the truth? his ways are not mysterious, in the book of Job we see how god makes deals with the devil to hurt people instead of protecting them... dont get me wrong i am glad you are free of it now, it just seems odd god would let that happen to his children at all when a real loving father would come save you the first time you called for help. and the bible seems to protect these abusive men cause the bible says the male head of the house is always right and is to be obeyed..

@milliehummer4713 Ай бұрын

@ Sounds like you need God. God never promises nothing bad will ever happen to you . He does help lead you through those bad times.

@melissabyrd1310 2 ай бұрын

I'm still dealing with him. I live in the same house still. I do clean every day but it is so exhausting and it does seem pointless and i have no help. He doesn't help clean anything . As soon as i clean something there he is making a mess again. I can't live with a mess.

@Splatterbaby 2 ай бұрын

Oh wow, I had no idea this was actually a thing! On top of being emotionally drained, I'm rebelling against my narc husband who's CONSTANTLY screaming at me for not cleaning (while he does the most to cause the mess). I feel like I'd rather die than do what he demands; it's the only part of my life I can control. The comments on this vid make me feel a little less alone, so thanks everyone.❤️

@kristinawessely3888 3 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this video! It's 100% true. And another reason is, sometimes we can't even see the mess because we close our inner eye to it. I avoid stuff, like having a look at my mailbox, but also unconsciously avoid things that aren't even a threat. I just don't see them. When I was a child, my mother used to force me to do the vacuum cleaning but the way I did it was never right. She wanted it to be 1000% perfect and she criticized the way I held the tip of it all the time. In the end, she'd press me down on the floor with the vacuum cleaner. And of course, she'd never let me sleep, she'd start cleaning as loudly as she could in order to wake me up. I've moved like 20 times in my life and after a year, each place gets a total mess

@sayar2486 3 ай бұрын

I knew this mess is caused by my husband’s n-abuse. Psychologists need to know their lacking point. Not cleaning up is also the protest of “I don’t live to fulfill or satisfy your need ( in terms of cleaning). This is true. But when psychological effect from the abuse enters into my territory, yes, I do need to clean up to live better for myself. Getting help is hard though, because hard to connect with friends when things get hard under their abuse.

@YTistooannoying 2 ай бұрын

It was my way to deflect abuse. If my narcissist was always picking on the state of the house then he was too busy to find something else to hold against me. I got the house cleaned up and the abuse moved on to more hurtful things, so I would let the house go. It was a way of protecting myself. I chose the thing he would complain about.

@barbarajansen4912 2 ай бұрын

I grew up in a home that was always disorganized and i was the housekeeper at age 9 faced with responsibilities to vacuum, wash the floors, snd cook for my parents while they struggled to keep a relationship. I was never taught to clean up by example so later on in life I would clean when it got unbearable to deal with, and that I couldn’t find anything. When the standards of neatness are low, can’t notice a messy room until it gets really messy. as a 70 year old woman today I still struggle with being completely organized and neat and clean, but I have learned that I can spend a day cleaning one room at a time. Then I try to pick up after myself to maintain that room. It can be done, but it is a struggle and a lot of times. I just don’t feel like doing it. So I have to find a day when motivate myself to move forward.. what helps me is knowing that I went to invite friends over and then I need time to clean the house. And that’s how I’ve been living my life. It’s not only dealing with my own sense of recovery from any kind of narcissism, but it’s also recovering from what I have seen as a child with my own parents dealing with their own narcissism..

@mrs.wilson9407 2 ай бұрын

I am soooo thankful for this video... I thought I was being lazy & I would feel so overwhelmed and just at looking at it would put me in a place of depression... This has helped me just do what I can when I can... 🤔

@archjenesis 3 ай бұрын

You just described me perfectly I have not been able to put my finger on it exactly this is the best video I've ever seen because I don't feel so alone in trouble with my landlord because he came in my apartment it's not like I don't want to clean I thought it was because I have MS but now you just laid it out 100%

@spotthenarcissist 3 ай бұрын

I'm glad this video has helped you feel less alone.

@johnjoseph9929 3 ай бұрын

@arcgjenesis. Hi. Did your landlord come to your place without informing you ??

@nevermind1117 3 ай бұрын

Just too tired and hard to concentrate.

@aggedyran 2 ай бұрын

This helps me understand why some of my most traumatized friends live in chaos and squalor.

@AVToth 3 ай бұрын

It's knowing, knowledge from past experience, that if he sees me accomplish something, it will casually, and always "accidentally" (although it doesn't look accidental to me), be ruined or destroyed. There's never been an apology, never been an attempt to rectify, like there would be if he'd been at someone else's house when it happened. Then he would be apologizing and trying to put things right. I get "Oh, like it's going to break your ass to do it again."

@pamelagibson6860 Ай бұрын

Always being on edge and on high alert is sould crusing.

@playfultones 2 ай бұрын

My narcissistic mother used house cleaning as abuse. Any time I was involved in house cleaning it was usually while my mother stood over me screaming, yelling or throwing things. I was tasked with cleaning the bathroom while my mother and aunt would sit and talk in the kitchen then they would come to the bathroom and tell me it wasn't good enough & had to be redone, then return to snacks and conversation. If it met with their standards, I was allowed to go to my room, never being included in the visit or the snacks. I was screamed and yelled at if the dishes weren't done. At 9, my mom left the house with a roast in the oven, when she got back I was yelled at and beaten b/c I didn't tend the roast. Holy crap. So, any attempt I may make at cleaning I feel nots in my stomach, terror and intense anxiety when I attempt to clean. That being said, some of the tips here help a great deal just by breaking it down doing only one thing at a time. I was in my 60's before I realized my cluttered and dirty space and tolerance for living in this space under these conditions had a name, "clutter trauma". Even after years of therapy, the scars are still there, the self sabotage, poor impulse control, social awkwardness. The safest interaction with other beings is having my dogs.

@GaiaBD 2 ай бұрын

So sorry you went through all that. Give yourself lots of praise for surviving it! Dogs are wonderful companions. As long as you look after them and love them, they don't care if you have a messy home. My dog 'reminds' me to tidy sometimes when he finds something I've dropped on the floor, or drinks tea from a mug I left lying around.

@atalantamountain 2 ай бұрын

This was eye opening. I now see clearly at what time in my life my clutter started to build up. Thank you.

@bartholetbay412 2 ай бұрын

Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldnt say it didnt go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isnt always rosy, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is to have me, we compliment each other..

@paulinebricks3441 2 ай бұрын

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.

@bartholetbay412 2 ай бұрын

I feel your pain sister , after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.

@paulinebricks3441 2 ай бұрын

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?

@bartholetbay412 2 ай бұрын

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

@paulinebricks3441 2 ай бұрын

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

@debbiebradney131 2 ай бұрын

My upbringing prepared me for the life ahead as an adult. I hate people and life. I never got what i wanted, and I never had friends. I was the black sheep, and I ache physically, mentally and emotionally. I was never good enough, never happy, overworked and overtired. I was used and abused. Underappreciated and still taken for granted. I see the comments and I can relate. Whenever I tried to get organized and cleaned , I couldn't do it my way and in my own time, at my pace. I never knew what a narcissist was, i never heard of the word until a few years ago. I'm age 60 and still haven't quite grasped what it means. My mother was a control type, and my partner is too. He wasn't like that in the beginning, and I have reason why I am still living in the same house as him, but I can't go into the details publicly. There's never going to be a chance my life will improve because of the pain and trauma I've had. The people who I'm related to don't care about me, and the 2 people living with me don't help the situation either. No one keeps in touch with me, and I feel like I'm alone. I went on strike keeping up with the cleaning after too much arguing years ago. This life is Hell for me . If my life ended anytime soon, I'd be happy. I'd finally have peace . Arthritis has taken it's toll , it is an endless ride i can't get off. Pain prevents and tires me. People judge and can be cruel. It's not worth the friendship or arguments to explain myself about the state of my home. I wash and clean, try chores, and try not overdo it, and within hours or day's later I'm back doing those same tasks. Because someone leaves their mess, and they don't seem bothered to do something about it. People would think I'm lazy. I'm misunderstood.

@ArtyAntics 2 ай бұрын

No 1 should have been ‘you still see yourself as a victim’. Seeing myself as a survivor was a big turning point for me.

@annmalone1585 2 ай бұрын

I went away from my narc mother and I’ve been healing…. My new home is really tidy❤ there’s always hope and I feel great.

@RialVestro 2 ай бұрын

I already know why. My mother would tell me to pick up my toys "When I'm done playing with them" but then yell at me when I don't imediatly jump up to start putting things away when I'm literally still playing with those toys. She would yell "When I say pick up your toys that means NOW!" but she didn't say that before she said "when I'm done playing" and when I point that out then she yells at me for back talking. On top of that she would tell me to clean up my room and even if I did it she would come in tell me I didn't do it the right way, dump everything onto the floor making an even bigger mess than what I started with and make me do the whole thing over with. She also ironically would say "You made the mess so you clean it up." Except it was literally her mess, I already cleaned but it wasn't good enough for her so I would literally procrastinate till she cleaned it herself because it was never good enough for her unless she did it. I would also hear "Maybe you would be able to find things if you cleaned your room more often" except literally my room WAS always clean wheneven anything went missing because my mom would put things where SHE wanted them and not tell me where she put them. Hell there were several times when I had to fish my art work, school assignment, or toys out of the trash because she thought they were garbage. Toys that weren't broken, art work I had won awards in art shows on, assignments that were due all in the trash because that's what she thought of me.

@ben_pettit_4264 2 ай бұрын

😢

@TR-nv3if 3 ай бұрын

Because mine keeps making messes, messing up what I’ve organized, he’s made more disorganization.. he keeps cluttering up what I’ve cleaned.. if I ask him nicely not to, or etc,, he gets vb abusive or plays stupid and forgetful.

@RonSafreed 3 ай бұрын

My narc. father use to tell my abused mother, that could cook &clean, "you don't know how to clean sheet around here & I would say dad, mom knows how to cook & clean & he would say IMOP she don't know nothing & this went on for years & decades & my poor mother & we kids as well!!

@angelahendricks-godfrey7320 2 ай бұрын

This video was so helpful for me and made me realize that I am not alone in the struggle of cleaning and maintaining my home and I have never been like this before but I have been trying to figure out what I have done that makes me this way now and then I watched this video and realized the problem was being abused by a narcissist boyfriend for too many years now and he is now absent from my life and I need to get back to my life and focus on myself and my happiness and get my house back together so I can feel better about myself and not having an excuse for not having a tidy home but I also feel overwhelmed by it all and really need to find someone who can help me with my tasks because I’m afraid that I can’t do it all by myself and will give up before I finish it. I may have to listen to this video and the advice is definitely worth listening to it when I’m trying to clean up and bring my happiness back in my mind thank you for sharing this advice I thought I was the only one and I had no idea that my problem was because of my narcissist boyfriend

@Thinkingmansrocket 2 ай бұрын

Because I had to cook, clean, paint, go to work after school, go to college while living at home no campus dreams, paint the house, then after all of that fight and get yelled at constantly.. I'm tired.

@Aveces-i5o 2 ай бұрын

So sorry to hear that. You can get a modest job and move out... and cut all the relationsipn with them. You'll feel better.

@hfortenberry 2 ай бұрын

@@Aveces-i5o That sounds like a solid plan. I wish you both all the best. ❤

@youareworthalot1228 2 ай бұрын

Did you get school loans? That’s what I did. Much love though. ❤

@karenbrauch1456 3 ай бұрын

I just found out this year that my mom is the narcissistic and I'm the target (victim). I'm living with her again at 57 years old. It's no wonder I'm untidy, but didn't realize that it was a sign of narcissistic abuse. For Pete's sake, I want to get away from it!

@JoyPeace-ej2uv 2 ай бұрын

So get out of her house. Get your own place or find someone looking for a room mate.

@kathyingram3061 2 ай бұрын

~Another part of it for me is, my Mom was always cleaning & complaining about how dirty the house was, even when it was just fine~It would have been so nice if she had relaxed & played with us, or just been happy instead of being so upset over the house all the time~

@markalley3287 2 ай бұрын

Because if you move or clean things it can be the start of a huge row....

@williamsilva5701 2 ай бұрын

What do you mean?

@AF-jp5vi 2 ай бұрын

@@williamsilva5701 Some narcissists don't like their things moved from their very specific places, and a terrible fight can start if that happens (whereas cleaning necessarily involves moving things around, even a little bit).