Why Narcissistic Abuse Victims Avoid Cleaning and Tidying Up

[@mayLibertyprevail1a]

"Perceived Futility"--all day, every day! Most things, I feel like "why bother?"

[@mayLibertyprevail1a]

It stems from the learned helplessness, I think.

[@rascallyrabbit]

oh my. my mom said this all the time. "why bother? you can't win anyway." she did keep the house clean but no one was allowed to live in it. you can get away from this. little by little.

[@debwendt7578]

Absolutely!

[@elizeterblanche6609]

How does one escape?

[@THENEONARCADE21]

So do I.

[@briandrake6881]

Learned helplessness... they abuse you to the point you feel you can "never" win regardless of anything...

[@njhart6236]

And if you do manage to do a job or a project and actually finish it, your work will still be ripped to shreds. Like you said, it's a "Never Win"

[@karenwilliams5724]

@@njhart6236 or they claim they did most of it sit it’s really them to admire.

[@sadiamufti8890]

😢😢😢true

[@horsefanatic44]

Wow this is so spot on

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

⚠❤Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Lord and Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤ He is about to remove His believers from this earth (Rapture) so they won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤He does not want rituals, He wants a relationship with you! Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA ( by Russia, China, North Korea), Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yasser Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.❤ Call out to Him today, ask the God of universe, your maker, to reveal himself to you! You want to know the truth after all, don't you?

[@erik_1953]

We simply don't want to be forced anymore. Not even by ourselves. We have had enough of these dictators.

[@sophiacromwell8017]

💯

[@bobbarker1798]

Absolutely!

[@LeoniM0303]

This!!!

[@FrisbeeGirl]

FACTS!!

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

⚠❤Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Lord and Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤ He is about to remove His believers from this earth (Rapture) so they won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤He does not want rituals, He wants a relationship with you! Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA ( by Russia, China, North Korea), Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yasser Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.❤ Call out to Him today, ask the God of universe, your maker, to reveal himself to you! You want to know the truth after all, don't you?

[@lucg5099]

A tip that I found in internet is to play an album or a podcast that you like, and clean only while it lasts. When it finishes, you stop. It worked for me.

[@erikhermansen3431]

I can only clean with head phones....

[@mayramirelisdelgado5698]

Thank you ❤. Great advice

[@stephaniemickel3566]

Yes, when I attempt to clean I listen to audio books...It makes the time go by so much faster and before you know it, its clean. Unfortunately I definitely have inconsistent routines 100% and then perceived futility. UGG I'm determined to overcome this because I KNOW I AM worth it and WILL overcome this!!!

[@linda_fruit]

❤

[@antonking8784]

I concur... This helps

[@lorettar264]

Because we are so tired and drained mentally and physically.

[@annthomson5648]

Right

[@Tammy-b1k]

Yes.

[@elizabethchan485]

Absolutely!!!

[@nushraziyan1772]

It feels worst when you are called lazy for having a messy surrounding 😢

[@ΚλορίνταΤζουβαλοπούλου]

😢ABSOLUTELY

[@annmerkel5476]

Don't forget the delightful likelihood that once you clean and feel proud of it, the narc will f it up, just to hurt you.

[@DebYbarra]

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised. Narcs feel & believe pushing people down elevates them & puts themselves in control.

[@yazajag]

Yep. They will undo everything you did and sabotage all of your work. Sometimes even people abused by narcissists take on those traits and don't realize it and that is also sad.

[@UncleDavesKitchen]

good point

[@VisibleTimes]

Exactly 💯

[@Enoughalready20237]

My ex-husband would have that!

[@emchammer1815]

It's a way of keeping people away too

[@cherietalion]

Agree

[@runoutofairydust4476]

Yes!! Its like I no longer want anyone in my personal space .no more side looks stares criticism. When I go out I'm immaculate and people think I must live a well ordered life at home ......

[@HaakonOdinsson]

@@runoutofairydust4476I can relate to this

[@kristalkure3370]

So true sadly

[@debralawson1299]

I've lived a 56 year lifetime of living with narcissists. I am exhausted and can hardly even go to work every day! Much less clean my house! It's hard as hell living in fight or flight mode from the day you were born! 😢

[@spotthenarcissist]

It sounds like you've been through a lot. It's understandable to be exhausted, but please know you're not alone.

[@debralawson1299]

@@spotthenarcissist thank you for your kindness. ❤️

[@dariusthemede9403]

I'm 56. Can relate. All you can do is focus on what you like about yourself and do more of that person and as the video says "small steps" 🙏

[@Thundercloud25]

I heard I was in flight or fight mode by a parent in my youth

[@bobbarker1798]

I hope you are able to escape. It's worth it.

[@rhondakoski2948]

Don't walk away from a narcissist, RUN!

[@stevec3892]

When it’s your parents and older sisters you couldn’t . And they messed me up good

[@eme117]

If you can't run you walk, if you can't walk you crawl.. Do things at the pace you can. The only time you can truly run from a narc is when you have other options, but that is not always the reality.

[@monstercollie]

Comments like these are good for self preservation, but contribute to a harmful trend of seeing mentally ill people as monsters (heck, I'm a monster furry, and even monsters aren't all bad lol). I'm recognizing narcissism in myself, because of my partner. He's been so patient and persistent with me, even when I've hurt him. I've even recognized that maybe he'd have been better off without me, and not saving me from my narcissist mom. But he recognizes that I'm honestly trying to get better, and showing real significant improvement. I helped him realize his own self worth, saved him from his narcissist mom, and helped him find himself. And now I'm helping him repair his relationship with his mom, and even helping his mom fix her own narcissistic tendencies. Healing is possible. Change is possible. Even narcissists can get better, and are just as worthy and deserving of love as anyone else is. Besides, narcissists often create narcissists. Generational trauma is a thing. All that being said, it is best to leave if they show no signs of change, or even if they do, maybe you need your space while they figure themselves out. It's not your obligation to help your abuser be better, and it's ok to cut them off entirely. I just wanted to shine a light on how narcissists hurt inside too, and are beings worthy of love too.

[@gregpendrey6711]

Go gray rock if No Contact doesn't seem to be an option. Leave because you won't die. Narc won't allow you to have a self. You are an individual unless you never became, in this case you are yourself a narcissist. Don't despair you can heal but there is no cure unfortunately.

[@WaterlooExpat]

@@MizzMM Good question. Becoming better informed about the consequences of trauma once experienced, by watching a video such as this, for example, is a metaphorical form of "running."

[@tuineilson895]

When you show interest in doing anything positive they go on a mission to discourage you. If that doesn't work they move on to sabotage. It's an emotional roller-coaster

[@bryanpedgessr.1872]

Exactly! I used to clean to the point you could eat food off the ground. I used to go to the gym. I used to read for fun. I used to game for fun. I used to run for fun. I used to drive for fun. Everything that was fun is no longer fun. It causes anxiety and depression. I can’t even sleep more than four hours without being woken up to fight. ☠️

[@lorrainelamour7224]

​@@bryanpedgessr.1872 Get out. Get out now.

[@sharminiserasinghe3293]

Avoiding cleaning and tidying up is caused by depression and anxiety as a result of narcissistic abuse.

[@clintonnagy1662]

So true. Going through it now. I find myself putting it off saying " tomorrow I'll clean" but I don't. I use to love to keep my place tidy but I'm feeling " blah"....

[@calidreams5379]

However, some may do the opposite and obsessively clean to try to gain a sense of control in a chaotic situation.

[@ABG-fd8ur]

If I have to do "thinking work" at home, I make sure the house is neat and tidy first. When the house is messy, I don't think clearly. Strange but true.

[@orianablack6809]

Oh so true.

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

⚠❤Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Lord and Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤ He is about to remove His believers from this earth (Rapture) so they won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤He does not want rituals, He wants a relationship with you! Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA ( by Russia, China, North Korea), Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yasser Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.❤ Call out to Him today, ask the God of universe, your maker, to reveal himself to you! You want to know the truth after all, don't you?

[@user-ux7yg2ch6i]

After a lifetime of abuse I'm now at a point where a relatively clean and tidy home, and a living space that I feel happy in, is a gift that I have decided to give to myself.

[@piiinkDeluxe]

❤

[@diane5593]

Clean person here. Not anymore. It was like one day I just stopped, collapsed,cried. Weird I remember it. Said to him, you don't care, I won't eather. He would never help me with anything,even when hospitalized.burnt out! Always doing it all.

[@marielinke107]

Same.

[@bibleprophecy4400]

Yep. We’re an inconvenience when we’re sick or hospitalized.

[@MJJYANA]

Same. Even after 15 years out I still haven't found a balance in cleaning my own home.

[@fortunecuki]

Im so sorry to here. I pray ur heart grows stronger w courage to love urself more. I pra that for myself too. Bc that's my biggest fear, ill get really sick. I'm dead if it depends on his attentiveness. My mom died 2 yrs ago and him and my 10 yo is all I really got. We have no family.😔 But, ido have God, and I am keeping the faith that my feet will move when He nudges. That's all I know right now, fortunately I know its more than most. 🙏🏼

[@whyohwhy9679]

​@@MJJYANA Oh, goodness, I feel that way too. I'm begging myself to clean and pick up, and I just can't do it. Small things feel huge.

[@emmarae4322]

We are fkn exhausted, that's why.

[@linda_fruit]

Yeah, used all of your energy to survive and cope, be kind to yourself ❤

[@amerubix185]

"Victims of narcissistic abuse often feel like they are left in chaos with no one to help." LITERALLY. All narcissists in my life left me in chaos. In THEIR chaos. LITERALLY. Not only in a metaphorical sense. Leaving all their unwanted stuff behind, often in a most chaotic way. Leaving all up to me to clear everything out. Tons and tons of stuff. That's indeed a typical pattern of their irresponsibility and ignorance I repeatedly observed over the years. Always knowing their rights but never their duties.

[@markh4926]

I was in AA and came to the conclusion that those people wanted to hurt me because I would not go along with the sex games. I would get a call from a woman and she'd ask me if I needed a ride to a meeting. I got ready and waited outside ten minutes earlier than she said. I fell for it two times and she never showed up. I got a call from another woman when I was recovering from critical surgery, she offered to bring me a dinner and I was excited because I'd just been eating frozen food. She never showed up. There are several other incidents. I concluded they were just interested to see who could hurt me the most. I left them after they accused me, in public, of being a predator.

[@bobbarker1798]

Well said, and I would add, you can never find them on moving day.

[@donaldcook3112]

@@bobbarker1798. . . My experience is that you can never ‘find’ anybody on moving days - almost without exception . And that’s after 20 moves in 40 years … God bless the very few who have helped - and those that do .

[@TM15HAKRN]

Last sentence Absolute truth 👏 They subjugate...and chaos never ending

[@diane5593]

@@amerubix185 love this take on it so much!! Just point on!

[@RettaNRatchetRecover]

I stopped cleaning because he always told me I did nothing because I didn't have a job. When I got a job he left & I've been building my best life reprogramming my subconscious. Thank you for sharing this information. Healing is possible

[@VisibleTimes]

Congratulations 🎉 you deserve the best.

[@ColetteSpencer-k5o]

Yes! I got well through hypnotherapy. It changed my life! ❤

[@oshifish2]

I was always told I was "doing it wrong" the stupidest things like dishwashing! He would physically take forks or knives out of my hand and throw them! Realllyyyyy helpfullll since I just cleaned them! Its taken me over fifteen years to get to some level of normalcy in my brain yet I still hear his voice even though I am five thousand miles away with an amazing husband. Sending healing vibes and love to whomever may read this. You are not alone and you are not LAZY! xo

[@kathyegbert6532]

Thank you. ❤

[@Lola-tq8nv]

As a kid suffering various childhood abuse, I cleaned, ironed, organized, put things like books & records in alphabetical order, redid homework until there were no mistakes - I'd get in trouble if I didn't. Everything had to be perfect and straight A, not allowed to go out with friends - yet would still be falsely accused of doing drugs or stealing, and punished - when I'd done nothing but be the dumpster of their critical, negative diatribes. They sabotaged my dating life. Decades later, away from it, I isolate, have trouble cleaning & throwing things away. Hard to focus.

[@BusyBrainyBody]

Ditto. Identical experience

[@untamed3916]

Me too 💔 ​@@BusyBrainyBody

[@BetteBlaze13]

I can relate to this.

[@avz-gfd]

I'm sorry for your ordeal. I can relate far more to what you are saying here than the video itself. We all cope differently.. Even when I cleaned I would be told "No you did not clean - look at this/that." How would one not get into trouble with a narcissist about anything that is remotely open for criticism?? ❤

[@chrislowrance1207]

I had the same experience growing up from my mother, unfortunately my father was a verbally abusive alcoholic as well so he'd tear down my self image. I was a basket case by the time I was a teen. A male so needy for love that I became a target for other toxic people. I'm 52 now and still dealing with numerous issues, but I'm healing some.

[@tempestous-i3k]

I actually began a measured thoughtful comment, then i started to to run down and deleted it half done w a "meh, i don't care. What does it matter?" and deleted it. This is a good example of the way i feel about almost everything and i act accordingly.

[@SparkleSunflower123]

THIS!!! Insanely relatable.😮‍💨

[@TG-ck5vw]

Yes!!

[@lynnienorris5776]

To Thine Own Self Be True!

[@joannacruz9818]

💯💯💯

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

⚠❤Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Lord and Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤ He is about to remove His believers from this earth (Rapture) so they won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤He does not want rituals, He wants a relationship with you! Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA ( by Russia, China, North Korea), Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yasser Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.❤ Call out to Him today, ask the God of universe, your maker, to reveal himself to you! You want to know the truth after all, don't you?

[@robertthomas6907]

I’m too tired and it’s never good enough.

[@methatswho300]

its never enough😞

[@user-cj1qf3ju5]

​@@methatswho300you are so right

[@sage_forensics_2261]

🙏💜⚔ If "cleaning" was part of your abuse--especially as a child, then that could definitely affect things as well. Many Family Scapegoats have experienced this; I know I did. Yes, I have struggled with things presented in this video; however, choosing NOT to clean simply to prove I could was something I did in the past, for sure! It is a way to reassert your power and individuality or agency, but eventually...you do need to clean. I would suggest doing it on your own terms by making your own schedule. You don't have to clean how your parents or abusers made you do things. Of course not! Clean as often and in the way that seems right to you. You are taking care of YOUR home now--not theirs. Do what feels right to you at your pace. Peace, love, and strength to all...🙏💜⚔

[@spotthenarcissist]

I'm glad you can relate and that you're finding your own way to take care of yourself.

[@richardjohanson612]

@@sage_forensics_2261 kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z5Pcn5uJo7Z6oJIsi=UBarhQGsxjSkBPB2

[@im_noToKa]

.. like growing up a military brat

[@RonSafreed]

Notice in these Lifetime & WE Women's Entertainment movies of abusive narcissistic & psychopathic spouses, they use cleaning as a weapon say against the wife after they destroy things say clean up this mess honey!!

[@stevensawyer5924]

I was responsible for all household cleaning, inside and out at age 7. No matter how good a job I did, it was never ever good enough and resulted in a beating. I'm 67 now and still get triggered from doing household chores.

[@toots810usa6]

It's taken me 25 years and finally finding a good therapist to get me to the point where I want my space clean for myself!

[@marysalvi242]

@toots810usa6 happy for you - therapy is work, hard work. Reaching goals making efforts etc is rewarding. Oh and yes the pace for clearing your path is time consuming; that's okay learning is ongoing - 76 years old here & find oh shoot, "this is the worse mess I've ever been" though KNOW even though impatient not being hard on myself. ~ take care ~

[@MichaelKevin-l6y]

Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other

[@Marianna-e6w]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.

[@MichaelKevin-l6y]

I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.

[@Marianna-e6w]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?

[@MichaelKevin-l6y]

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@Marianna-e6w]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@falconbritt5461]

Victims of abuse often also have autoimmune disorders, which cause inordinate fatigue. And tend to not eat well, leading to nutritional deficits, increasing fatigue. And may have trouble sleeping - or sleep too much - increasing fatigue. Not to mention depression, causing fatigue. Even the chaos of the house itself can overwhelm the mind of someone doing really well, while trauma victims have all the same symptoms as ADHD (brain fog, memory issues, focus issues, trouble staying on task, and time blindness) so help is urgently needed, even if someone just stands there with them. But often there is literally no one to call, because their friends bailed on them because they weren't fun enough or positive enough. There is no community support for abuse victims except very temporary housing for physical abuse.

[@diane5593]

@@falconbritt5461 this is me right now

[@VilleGardian]

.... because they weren't fun or positive enough. Yep.

[@elianadavalos9306]

You said it perfectly 💯!

[@ColetteSpencer-k5o]

Yep! Try hypnotherapy. Get lab work done. Check vitamin d, thyroid, b12. ❤

[@Kat1791]

Thank you. ...Throwing ADHD into the mix makes things especially challenging. These are all so true for me.

[@juliet3813]

I have that and my kids. A sand timer work great. The two and a half minute size. Flip that thing and we turn into cleaning ninja

[@kathybrem880]

I’ll tell you why--it’s because nothing is ever good enough not matter what you do

[@NynkeVanderhoek]

So True, you have cleaned the whole place and feel good about it and he comes home and does it all over again as if you did not do anything.😢

[@methatswho300]

its never enough😞

[@mp-jg1hu]

Do it for you, not the abuser.

[@rosecampbell8544]

I feel so tired, so drained 😢😢

[@Thundercloud25]

Me too

[@syedafatima8119]

I've reached the stage where daily cleaning doesn't feel so hard to me. Get away from your abuser. I've not spoken to my narcissistic mother for almost a year. Then I went on vacation to a new place. Ove I got back, I felt like a new person. Still figuring out a lot, but I'm taking it really slow and not beating myself up if I fail.

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

⚠❤Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Lord and Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤ He is about to remove His believers from this earth (Rapture) so they won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤He does not want rituals, He wants a relationship with you! Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA ( by Russia, China, North Korea), Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yasser Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.❤ Call out to Him today, ask the God of universe, your maker, to reveal himself to you! You want to know the truth after all, don't you?

[@Abstractsvision]

It’s so funny because at work I can clean all day but where I live right now I can’t clean up a damn thing

[@Healing454]

@@rosecampbell8544 Me too

[@cbeautifulworld11]

We often suffer from CPTSD from childhood and are physically ill as a result. It's true that "The Body Keeps the Score ".

[@bonitocraftsarg]

Fibromyalgia here

[@diane5593]

@@bonitocraftsarg me too.plus heart failure.I miss a cleaner home.

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

⚠❤Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Lord and Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤ He is about to remove His believers from this earth (Rapture) so they won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤He does not want rituals, He wants a relationship with you! Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA ( by Russia, China, North Korea), Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yasser Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.❤ Call out to Him today, ask the God of universe, your maker, to reveal himself to you! You want to know the truth after all, don't you?

[@babsbybend]

My sister, her whole life living with our parents due to her undiagnosed autism, now has ALS.

[@fibrowarriors]

It sure does!

[@WillowMurdock]

Breaking it down into smaller tasks is still overwhelming because I don't know which part of the task is more important and/or is the starting point.

[@pufpufpuffin]

I don’t know if this is useful at all but I would always start with a table. I’d clear the clutter, wipe it and have this one small space of serenity where I could sit down, have a cup of tea, light a candle, make lists, read, whatever. Just one small space that felt clean, cozy and peaceful. Some days it would motivate me to expand and clean other areas that were essential for daily use, like kitchen counter if I wanted to make dinner, bed for sleeping, and so on. Other days I couldn’t do more, but that one small space still meant something.

[@WillowMurdock]

@@pufpufpuffinOH THANK YOUUU!!! 🥹🤗

[@giessenundgeniessen]

Write down each of your tasks on a piece of paper, fold them and put all the pieces of paper in a box, set a timer (e.g., 15 minutes), pick one piece of paper, and start immediately! Do this until the box is empty, then start over again…

[@helenhighwater5313]

@@pufpufpuffin The kitchen sink and the toilets are always clean regardless of how chaotic the rest of the house is.

[@pisceananarchyvortex7223]

Thank u​@@giessenundgeniessen

[@bobpeters61]

For those of us who grew up with abuse usually accompanied by demands of endless household chores. Then the very act of cleaning up one's living space can itself be a trigger.

[@tiffanybluetarot]

He’s either stolen or destroyed everything…my entire home…my mind…my heart…my soul. I’ve tried to rebuild, but right when I make some progress, he returns and tears it all down all over again.

[@tonipeterson954]

I have a demon CN just like that too

[@shanellem6310]

Don't let him back. Remember what he's done to you, how you felt, how selfish he is, & recognize that you can't help him. It's not your job to help him. He has to help himself, and he won't. Let him go & you will eventually find peace & strength to rebuild. Decide the type of person you want to be & work towards that, one step at a time. Also, set boundaries specifically to protect yourself from him. I'm almost 3 years divorced from my covert narc ex-husband. I have to co-parent with him and can recognize when he's trying to pull me in now. His tricks & manipulations no longer work. I've set boundaries to protect myself - no calls after 9pm. My phone is scheduled to go to DND. He'll still try it; but, I won't see his messages/calls till the next day. Then, I choose whether to respond or not. Also, he's not allowed to come to my house- EVER. We agree on a schedule & I drop our son off. If he doesn't stick to it, I just document, knowing that at some point, we'll be heading to court. He's not on child support as we share parenting time. He provides financially for our child, & so far, he's behaving himself. But, I'm fully aware that I might end up in court. This peace is limited. He can't keep this up. Anyway, I will attend family events as my family are in another state and I get along with his Mom & daughter. But, I still limit my time with them. Mom is an enabler and his daughter is aware of how he is; but, right now still has to live with him.

[@michaelgarrow3239]

Get a restraining order.

[@lynnienorris5776]

@@tiffanybluetarot IGNORE

[@MoonlightDivinity]

Boundaries! FiRM BOUNDARIES!

[@zanyyetreal8123]

I thought I was the only one giving up on tidying and organizing! This helped immensely. almost like a blessing to have appeared! I think this is my breakthrough to start healing like nothing else could come close to open my eyes seeing the light shine so bright! Finally! Thanks s million! ✅⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 8:23

[@jesLstout]

i feel like this was a literal godsend coming across my feed. serendipitous and "unprompted," except by universal law and theory of manifestation. i, too, hope that this will be the impetus i need to push me into forward motion 🙏🏼 namaste, good friend

[@SteveChiller]

these are the types of videos we should be showing in schools.

[@sfkeepay]

Yes and no. The information is great…even essential. But the images are terribly skewed…almost 100% adult female victims apparently from relationships. The reality is there’s one male victim for every two female, plus children, other relatives, even close friends and co-workers. Fix the representation problems and then absolutely it should be in schools.

[@im3phirebird81]

@@sfkeepay Yeah as if that wasn't a conscious decision.

[@sfkeepay]

@@im3phirebird81 , I just kinda assumed it was either that they hadn’t thought it through, or that it’s harder to find the right kind of stock footage with guys. Either way though, it’s a gaping omission.

[@catebannan7343]

What was helpful for me: had a professional organizer to help clear clutter, a cleaner to do the basics. Was so happy with my more organized and cleaner home, was able to maintain on a regular basis as was more manageable . Yes, a bit costly to begin, but, worth it in the long run. Appreciate that all may not be e able to manage the cost, though.

[@spotthenarcissist]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@FART-REPELLENT]

Majority of people don’t have the money to hire any form of professional help.

[@catebannan7343]

@@FART-REPELLENT yes, as I acknowledged. Perhaps enlisting family or friends for an initial “ go ‘round”. Certainly, a complicated Catch 22 situation to move forward.

[@ChanelThomas248]

You can reclaim yourself! I did it! It’s a long, hard struggle when you’ve been beaten down for so long. It takes time. Just take one small step forward at a time. Eventually, you will get there! Reclaim the space in your head!

[@deeprollingriver52]

Our surroundings mimic our feelings

[@CQ-369]

Part of my narcissistic mother's "punishment" was to make me clean the house. I guess I still see it as punishment.

[@gho5t504]

After the discard, all of my habits and systems crashed. I stopped taking care of myself and my space turned into a disaster. All of my wishes and plans were postponed for a year and a half. She did try to hoover me back in couple of months ago, but that didn't work out the way she expected. I'm taking small steps now, but it takes a while to get myself moving. Right now I'm operating at 20-ish percent of a man I used to be before the dynamic.

[@maiakai5459]

I'm on the same page, I was discarded and hoovered. My dreams were put on hold and missed a lot of opportunities for half a decade and I looked a lot older than my age. Having watched podcast about narcissism helped me a lot to determine the pattern and had put all the pieces together that educated me toward my exit during the Part 2 of the narc's playbook. I'm on towards my healing process right now after 2 yrs of being away from him, awaiting for the divorce i filed. Through God's love and comfort I am a lot peaceful than I was 10 yrs ago and I know all things work together for good to those who love Jesus. It wasn't an easy road, but there'll always be a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Be blessed, we got this!!!

[@barbarabode4041]

Hope you can heal 🙏

[@RonSafreed]

I am 68 years old & a whole lifetime of being around many, many narcissists has squeezed me like a lemon, but now no lemon juice is left & it is like I don't care anymore & I even have rats but don't care

[@clintonnagy1662]

Sorry to hear about your relationship ending. That's very disheartening. I can relate to your post. Everyday I operate on a level of 30 percent if I'm lucky. I keep asking myself what is it about this woman that messed up my life and mental health? I never did drugs, but I feel I'm going through a withdraw. This is very strange. I haven't feel a loniness like this before. Everything reminds me of her.

[@maiakai5459]

@@clintonnagy1662 abuse is real! Rumination is intense! Stockholm syndrome! Cognitive resonance! It lingers forever but we have to endure and overcome the pain! I console myself by thanking God everyday that He carefully took me in the palm of His hand and effortlessly guided me out from that agony. I stopped my therapy and busied myself. It's high time for self-love! Be blessed!

[@L-ln5fk]

I achieved many things in life, but still have a hard time with cleaning. I was scapegoated by my family of origin as a child and I remember how I had to clean the bathroom every weekend and my abusive mother was never satisfied. She found little dots and wanted me to clean the bathroom 100% perfectly. She totally broke my self esteem about me being capable of cleaning anything right. And yes, while healing from childhood trauma, I had so much work with negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety, helplessness etc. that tyding up was the last thing on my mind. I'm taking it slowly, day by day and there is progress. I'm learning to be nice to myself and try to be my own best parent, my adult self.

[@pinkpaprika8410]

I think my mess is like a protective barrier against people‘s judgement and criticism. Only those who are willing to face it for my sake are worthy of being allowed in.

[@lrow5416]

The come-back from narcissistic abuse can take years but it also takes self-compassion and patience. We’ve gone through spiritual, emotional, sometimes physical combat and in the recovery is all the learning and remembering of self-worth. This is the place where we can help each other. ♥️

[@MGTOWPsyche]

The narcissist will leave messes everywhere and creates a chaotic home and they can tolerate more mess than you can, and they let you clean up after them because they know you will get sick of the mess before them. A narcissist can drop beer on the floor and leave the stain on the floor for a long time as they hope you will clean it for them. Narcissist will leave dirty knives and plates in your way and spaces and leave drawers open and cannot put things back where they took them because the narc feels entitled to not having to do anything after using something if it is not in their way.

[@calidreams5379]

The only time narcissists “care” to keep anything clean is to show off a new car, clothes, home, etc. and as soon as they tire of it, they discard and never clean or take care of, exactly like they do with people.

[@Seimonster27]

While this comment describes my s.o. exactly, I also think that some of the motivation behind doing these things is. A sub conscious coping mechanism for stiffled childhood traumas and that he builds that mess up around him as a sort of fortress of protection to keep others out to protect himself from the possibility of being hurt again. Cuz I can clean an area, and he will go and pretty much immediately mess it up again. I don't think he's always self-aware of what he's doing when he does it though.

[@MGTOWPsyche]

@@Seimonster27 it is spiritual ...they hate order and need chaos around themselves to feel less chaos inside them.

[@VisibleTimes]

​@@Seimonster27thank you for sharing

[@VisibleTimes]

​@@MGTOWPsyche💯

[@WhiteWolfBlackStar]

My friend’s mom is a psychologist. His place was always trashed. ‘One sock at a time.’ She told him. It was one of the most memorable and amazing things I’d ever heard on the subject! Miss Joyce!

[@yazajag]

I watch Magic Midwestern Cleaning I think the channel is called and the guy talks about starting with ine square foot. Don't look at the entire space just focus in a tiny area and it helps. I will also say I have a friend that is a therapist who was I believe the scapegoat child and her father screamed on her ti clean and her mother just did it for her and now I have the opposite problem. I need my home clean and nice and she does not care or have the same idea as what clean is as I do and it bothers me A lot because I also have sensory issues. I cannot keep up cleaning after two adults, I can only deal with myself and I don't feel good living in a messy home so having this issue is a real nightmare for me.

[@vhayashi7369]

Every time I clean, it gets destroyed immediately! 😢😡

[@ebeb516]

This comment 👆

[@sfkeepay]

Ditto.

[@VisibleTimes]

💯

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

Narcs do that on purpose do you have one in your life now?? Can you get out of the relationship??

[@methatswho300]

yep....never fails🙄

[@lulabelle4760]

I hate cleaning because I felt like Cinderella. I had to clean the house while my brothers and sister got to go outside and play all day everyday. So now I go outside everyday and do what I love to do-garden.

[@bryanpedgessr.1872]

My wife treats me this way. If I try to clean I am berated for not helping with the kids. She doesn’t clean though. I am berated for not spending time with her. Any time I leave the house I am called abusive for “abandoning” her, even if it’s to run errands for food and household supplies.

[@lulabelle4760]

@bryanpedgessr.1872 WOW Bryan how and why do u tolerate the abuse? Sounds like your marriage and life is dreadful. If your staying for the kids they are probably just as miserable as You are. So so sorry for you Bryan. 🙏 things will get better🙏

[@thedivinefeminine1821]

@@bryanpedgessr.1872Bryan you deserve a better woman. If any guy went out of his way to help me clean or do chores I'd be thrilled.

[@3209-f4h]

Good is never good enough for them.!

[@Mom4cool]

Since I have had a narcissist in my life since birth. I have struggled with feeling worthless my entire life. Finally, free of them and discovering am neurodivergent has brought enlightenment, freedom and self worth. My home is in better condition than ever.

[@PBerning]

A few years ago, I was decluttering and feeling great. I had some open spaces, and my narc husband put his things in my clearer spaces. I had to messify my spaces so he didn't take over. The spaces I've lost, I've not gotten back. It doesn't matter what I say or do. Plus, he keeps online shopping and bringing more in. So I did give up for the most part. But now, I'm working in his office because "it's too dusty" and so he can't use it. I'm shredding a lot of old paperwork so the kids and I won't have to deal with it later. I'm making plans for my future and theirs. So I'm feeling more motivated to declutter and keep messifying my space. I also want to say that my elderly narc husband who is disabled and home all the time likes to create instability all day long. Whatever I'm in the middle of doing, he will purposely devalue it by demanding attention and help. He does this with our teens, too. It stinks. At least, I'm figuring out what is going on and I have a counselor now who also specializes in NPD.

[@user-pb3sb3un7n]

Put his narcissistic behind in a home. Divorce him so you don't have to pay any of his bills. Don't give up on yourself. I left after 36 years and I'm in the process of reclaiming everything - my mind, money, health, sexuality, sense of style, and all choices - food, where I go, who I want to include in my social circle, what I want to study, where I want to work. Dump him and get the life you deserve. I believe in you. I know you can do it.

[@ChanelThomas248]

Leave his @$$. He wants to bring you down to his level by making you do DAMAGE CONTROL!

[@GaiaBD]

Plan an exit before he becomes totally dependent on you and has you trapped. Be an example for your teens that they don't have to put up with this kind of disrespect and treatment, and that if they behave like him in the future they can't expect others to put up with it.

[@PBerning]

@@GaiaBD Yes, I agree. I'm preparing an exit plan.

[@turquoisedream4027]

I fell down the steps while on Covid meds last summer and sprained both my ankles and was in a lot of pain, mentally and physically. After this, my home started getting extremely out of sorts and messy. It’s been over a year now and I’m making great strides but it is astonishing how fast things can get out of control for anyone. This video made me feel More human. Thank you so much💪🏼🙏❤

[@CGNeko]

Perceived futility indeed, especially when the narcissist continues to generate the mess around you.

[@bintefiroz7319]

I feel so bad, so tired, no physical or mental strength.

[@cherylhughes2988]

All you want to do is exist in peace. Just sleep.

[@Thundercloud25]

Exactly

[@a.humphries8678]

Yep. And my narc just tries to shame me out of it.

[@carlossoler-m4y]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@MikelAntonio-n6y]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

[@carlossoler-m4y]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@MikelAntonio-n6y]

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@carlossoler-m4y]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@annsaunders5768]

Pray. Whenever you think of her, say a prayer asking to be relieved of all pain from the relationship. For me, "the blood of Christ crucified" said more loudly until the too strong feelings go away does the trick EVERY time🎉

[@markh4926]

Finding someone to support or just listen to you. That's a task because very few people are interested or have no idea what it's like, so they think you are just a complainer.

[@clintonnagy1662]

Same here. My friends and family think I'm just complaining also.I have to explain I'm crippled from the discard. Confused, angry,& depressed. Then I remind myself " It's NOT me, and she has a mental illness.".

[@Thundercloud25]

Thank you!So damn true unfortunately

[@Thundercloud25]

@@clintonnagy1662Can relate ugh

[@satsumamoon]

some people think youre horrible to talk about your spouse that way.

[@susanmercurio1060]

I keep asking and asking my social worker for a housekeeper, which in my state (Minnesota) is paid for by an Elderly Waiver program. All they do is drag their feet. My landlord (more narcissists) tried to evict me for the messy apartment but I got a great lawyer and he is holding the social worker's feet to the fire.

[@ginaofficer2595]

Here is another one. Those who were raised in a home that had become more like a museum than a home meant to impress others and receive praise struggle with cleaning. You were micromanaged in everything that you did to ensure nothing became out of place, stained, or scratched in the home. Imagine not being able to sit on your bed because it might break a bedspread thread, touch a wall because it could leave a fingerprint, or use a desk because the desk might get scratched. You were snapped at if something accidently slipped out of your hand because you were exhausted. When they visited your home, they criticized your things for not being perfect. You were left feeling of less value and worth compared to objects or other people's opinions, and yet it was okay for you to be damaged by other peoples words. You don't mind cleaning, but you know it will never be good enough and will be criticized, causing you anxiety.

[@ben_pettit_4264]

😢

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

@@ben_pettit_4264 Which is why I decorate with comfortable soft things and organic styles like pictures of plants or animals that are not museum like and ones drawn by my children or grand kids warts and all.

[@seboconnor1934]

I’ve been using an internal monologue of my own to help myself clean, telling myself “you’re so good at this. What a clever way to go about this. Look at the progress you’ve made.” If the ~other~ internal monologue starts to fight back and try to send me into a freeze state, I will say the new monologue out loud to drown out the nasties.

[@stephaniefrancis6080]

Thanks. I'm taking this as good advice to help me get started.❤

[@coralmccrystal4606]

What a good idea! I'm going to try this too. 😊

[@springboard1994]

I love that! I said it 2 or 3 times just now and can already imagine how it will help 😊

[@slavid.6452]

I‘m living all this right now, hard to describe my situation. It’s horrible.

[@VisibleTimes]

You are not alone. I am just now living this on a daily basis and trying to get as much knowledge as I can. I still clean for personal reasons even though I know he will destroy it. I am just getting to understand why he acts like that. God bless you and praying for all who have to struggle to deal with such a nightmare

[@veronicaladd5821]

I'm the same, all I can do is sit there and look at it ❤

[@graveyardghost2603]

The reason I dont clean unless absolutely necessary is bc I spent my entire childhood cleaning my narc stepmom's house every day. So I decided that as an adult, I was going to waste as little time as possible on cleaning.

[@christievanderlaan7575]

Same

[@susanmercurio1060]

I won't make my bed because my mother and stepfather both beat me if I didn't make my bed perfectly. I decided that, as an adult, I could decide whether or not to make my bed and I don't have to.

[@sage9836]

I usually started making obvious things so they look nice to others, but this time I started from the inside out - my closet, dresser, and makeup. This made my day more streamlined. Things got a little easier and gave me a small but valuable percentage of energy. A little is amazingly effective.

[@YTistooannoying]

It was my way to deflect abuse. If my narcissist was always picking on the state of the house then he was too busy to find something else to hold against me. I got the house cleaned up and the abuse moved on to more hurtful things, so I would let the house go. It was a way of protecting myself. I chose the thing he would complain about.

[@laurabfromvt6197]

It's not just depression and anxiety from narcissistic abuse that makes it hard to clean. I find it's related to any kind of emotional slump. As soon as I start feeling better I can get rid of the piles. To get started I often set a 20 minute timer because that seems doable. Then I usually set another 20 minute goal.

[@nevermind1117]

Just too tired and hard to concentrate.

[@archjenesis]

You just described me perfectly I have not been able to put my finger on it exactly this is the best video I've ever seen because I don't feel so alone in trouble with my landlord because he came in my apartment it's not like I don't want to clean I thought it was because I have MS but now you just laid it out 100%

[@spotthenarcissist]

I'm glad this video has helped you feel less alone.

[@johnjoseph9929]

@arcgjenesis. Hi. Did your landlord come to your place without informing you ??

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

For me, cleaning is about getting my life back. I agree about starting small. As you see progress, you feel better about yourself and your environment. I make the decision to make my home better. I deserve to have a nice home. I refuse to let the narcissist win. I went to the store. I bought a box of garbage bags. Slowly I look at objects that remind me of the narcissist. I ask myself, Do I keep it? Do I donate it? Do I throw it away? I mostly throw it away or donate it. It is a freeing experience. I want my home to be a place where I am happy and at peace.

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

My mom decorated in a sterile uncomfortable way so I decorate in a comfortable happy way. That is a place I want to keep clean. It does not remind me of getting yelled at.

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

@ Good for you. 👏👏👏 Make a home into a place that brings good feelings such as peace joy happiness needs to be the goal. It’s the freedom to be you. After all, it’s your home.🏠🏰

[@WideAwakeSpiritually]

Thank you so much for this video to help those of us who struggle understand why we are like this. It’s a feeling of living in constant shame, anxiety and hopelessness that some people don’t understand.

[@CHT420]

I do that - usually have to take a break even sometimes 3 hour nap because I’m just exhausted emotionally/physically (even just washing a sink full of dishes) As I got older these issues have just bogged me down. When younger I was a cleaning machine, I feel useless most days especially if my energy level is low

[@DebYbarra]

❤ You can do it. I have faith in you. 🎉

[@kathyegbert6532]

I feel exactly the same way. I was with my husband for 30 years. Washing the dishes is overwhelming. I take 3-4 hour naps frequently. I’m exhausted.

[@milliehummer4713]

I got beaten by my sociopathic narcissistic ex-husband for “not cleaning properly.” He would wake me up at 2 in the morning screaming & drunk demanding I clean the sink, slamming me into the wall. Once almost chocking me into unconsciousness. Now I have a hard time keeping my house tidy in unconscious rebellion. I never called the police to report my abuse & my teenage son who witnessed the beatings was convinced by his father to lie in court. I feel ashamed but I really think he would have killed me if he hadn’t abandoned us for his alcoholic girlfriend. God has protected me & I must move forward.

[@Splatterbaby]

Oh wow, I had no idea this was actually a thing! On top of being emotionally drained, I'm rebelling against my narc husband who's CONSTANTLY screaming at me for not cleaning (while he does the most to cause the mess). I feel like I'd rather die than do what he demands; it's the only part of my life I can control. The comments on this vid make me feel a little less alone, so thanks everyone.❤️

[@kor405]

Any abuse put u in a position of powerlessness and depression!!! Thank you !!! It’s a very helpful video!!!❤

[@barbarajansen4912]

I grew up in a home that was always disorganized and i was the housekeeper at age 9 faced with responsibilities to vacuum, wash the floors, snd cook for my parents while they struggled to keep a relationship. I was never taught to clean up by example so later on in life I would clean when it got unbearable to deal with, and that I couldn’t find anything. When the standards of neatness are low, can’t notice a messy room until it gets really messy. as a 70 year old woman today I still struggle with being completely organized and neat and clean, but I have learned that I can spend a day cleaning one room at a time. Then I try to pick up after myself to maintain that room. It can be done, but it is a struggle and a lot of times. I just don’t feel like doing it. So I have to find a day when motivate myself to move forward.. what helps me is knowing that I went to invite friends over and then I need time to clean the house. And that’s how I’ve been living my life. It’s not only dealing with my own sense of recovery from any kind of narcissism, but it’s also recovering from what I have seen as a child with my own parents dealing with their own narcissism..

[@Loveyloveeeee]

See I knew it, everyone kept telling me it had to do with my now ex bf. I was always a clean freak and organized. Since I met my narcissist ex I do the basic cleaning and some things are not organized. I even stopped working out, surprisingly not gained weight, he made me not want to eat. I loved working out. I have no energy, yet can’t sleep at night. Me being unorganized reflects on how I feel about my life. A MESS. I know I will get back to the norm one day. Thank you for this. ❤❤❤

[@Leesie77]

The word “cleaning” is actually a very bad term to use. It says something is dirty. It’s a low vibrational term that’s extremely powerful. Replace the word “cleaning” with words like organization, decluttering, tidying up etc. Many people live in spaces that are cluttered and or unorganized, that doesn’t mean that it’s dirty! So it’s time to use the words and terms that best represent what the environment really is. Dishes get dirty, a cluttered home doesn’t necessarily make it dirty. For me, the word “cleaning” would create deep procrastination and cause my depression to worsen. My home was cluttered and very unorganized. My dishes, toilet and worn clothing were the only areas that the word “cleaning” is properly used. My home was and is clean, use to be cluttered and unorganized. I talked to my therapist about this whole cleaning word and what had been my patterns with procrastination and deepening depression. She explained very clearly and simply that the word “cleaning” unconsciously says that my environment is dirty. She said many people have the same patterns and problems. Cleaning implied that it’s dirty which implies self sabotage, the confidence gets squashed and deep shame sets in that says we at our core isn’t good enough, broken etc. The deeper layers of a simple word cleaning creates a negative domino effect and before we know it not only is our outer environment in chaos from clutter and being unorganized, NOT dirty, suddenly our inner world is far more worse than our outer environment. She was really spot on with her explanation and I felt that inner shift happening with clarity and resonating with truth behind her simple, very clear explanations. Once I changed the words, so did my patterns, thoughts and behaviors surrounding motivation to keep a positive atmosphere inside my home. I really hope that this helps anyone even just 1 person. Making a difference even if it’s just one person. Who ever is reading this, I pray and command that your day is filled with beautiful blessings and peace every moment by moment ❤❤ You do matter! You do belong You are here on purpose You are wanted You are LOVED unconditionally! You’re never alone, I see you, I hear you, I feel you, we’re all in this together!❤️

[@BEAMS2112]

Thanks deeply for sharing

[@sfkeepay]

Very important information. This video really needs a well-informed editor.

[@carvalone3076]

Thank you! I've been working on my "baby steps" lately and this was very encouraging 🙏🙏🙏✝️❤️ God bless you

[@spotthenarcissist]

You’re welcome!

[@joannacruz9818]

I can relate. I don't want to do anything at all anymore. He just passed away a cpl months ago which made me feel even worse. I don't understand why I just can't seem to get myself & life together, I feel like I just don't care about almost anything at all anymore besides my children of course

[@DebYbarra]

❤ You will be able to take baby steps & clear up little clutters one day at at a time.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Try to use compassion towards yourself. I have been struggling with the same thing: why I can't get myself and my life together (except no deaths) and I'm using compassion for the first time. It's a struggle.

[@VisibleTimes]

Perhaps as you grieve you will grow into the person you were meant to be. Be kind and patient with yourself and celebrate the fact that you survived. I know it will be difficult but give yourself time, grace and compassion and find yourself again. You are worth it.

[@kristinawessely3888]

Thank you so much for this video! It's 100% true. And another reason is, sometimes we can't even see the mess because we close our inner eye to it. I avoid stuff, like having a look at my mailbox, but also unconsciously avoid things that aren't even a threat. I just don't see them. When I was a child, my mother used to force me to do the vacuum cleaning but the way I did it was never right. She wanted it to be 1000% perfect and she criticized the way I held the tip of it all the time. In the end, she'd press me down on the floor with the vacuum cleaner. And of course, she'd never let me sleep, she'd start cleaning as loudly as she could in order to wake me up. I've moved like 20 times in my life and after a year, each place gets a total mess

[@IsabellaPiesch]

Because we have our own heads. I personally don´t want to be dictated. I do things but only when I want to do them.

[@markalley3287]

Because if you move or clean things it can be the start of a huge row....

[@williamsilva5701]

What do you mean?

[@playfultones]

My narcissistic mother used house cleaning as abuse. Any time I was involved in house cleaning it was usually while my mother stood over me screaming, yelling or throwing things. I was tasked with cleaning the bathroom while my mother and aunt would sit and talk in the kitchen then they would come to the bathroom and tell me it wasn't good enough & had to be redone, then return to snacks and conversation. If it met with their standards, I was allowed to go to my room, never being included in the visit or the snacks. I was screamed and yelled at if the dishes weren't done. At 9, my mom left the house with a roast in the oven, when she got back I was yelled at and beaten b/c I didn't tend the roast. Holy crap. So, any attempt I may make at cleaning I feel nots in my stomach, terror and intense anxiety when I attempt to clean. That being said, some of the tips here help a great deal just by breaking it down doing only one thing at a time. I was in my 60's before I realized my cluttered and dirty space and tolerance for living in this space under these conditions had a name, "clutter trauma". Even after years of therapy, the scars are still there, the self sabotage, poor impulse control, social awkwardness. The safest interaction with other beings is having my dogs.

[@GaiaBD]

So sorry you went through all that. Give yourself lots of praise for surviving it! Dogs are wonderful companions. As long as you look after them and love them, they don't care if you have a messy home. My dog 'reminds' me to tidy sometimes when he finds something I've dropped on the floor, or drinks tea from a mug I left lying around.

[@sayar2486]

I knew this mess is caused by my husband’s n-abuse. Psychologists need to know their lacking point. Not cleaning up is also the protest of “I don’t live to fulfill or satisfy your need ( in terms of cleaning). This is true. But when psychological effect from the abuse enters into my territory, yes, I do need to clean up to live better for myself. Getting help is hard though, because hard to connect with friends when things get hard under their abuse.

[@gustavedelior3683]

Some of us simply are so deep in mental escape that such things become trivial in the face of just trying to survive it.

[@lizstraub6621]

My bedroom closet has become a monster that scares me...I hit the "Why bother?" wall awhile ago...I have two laundry baskets full of clean, folded clothes that I can't seem to empty and put away. Today, I changed my bedsheets, put my winter bedspread on the bed, and tomorrow I'll deal with the dirty sheets and my summer spread. Hopefully.

[@DebYbarra]

❤ You can do it!

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

Why put them away it is an extra step! As long as you can find what you want when you want it that is practical. You do not have to live your life by artificial rules. Hang certain clothes up so they don't get fold lines if that bothers you and leave the rest where you are fine with them. In fact if it makes you more comfortable get two more baskets for the dirty clothes.

[@mrs.wilson9407]

I am soooo thankful for this video... I thought I was being lazy & I would feel so overwhelmed and just at looking at it would put me in a place of depression... This has helped me just do what I can when I can... 🤔

[@azazellon]

Seeing this in my recommended made me cry. Thank you. Thank you. Months of not moving shit out of my room, feeling drained and useless. I'm so fucking broken. My own mess makes me fucking break down.

[@Thinkingmansrocket]

Because I had to cook, clean, paint, go to work after school, go to college while living at home no campus dreams, paint the house, then after all of that fight and get yelled at constantly.. I'm tired.

[@Aveces-i5o]

So sorry to hear that. You can get a modest job and move out... and cut all the relationsipn with them. You'll feel better.

[@hfortenberry]

@@Aveces-i5o That sounds like a solid plan. I wish you both all the best. ❤

[@youareworthalot1228]

Did you get school loans? That’s what I did. Much love though. ❤

[@Dorothy35]

Guilt, confusion, fear. Clutter Unrealistic expectations. Take baby steps. Lack of support. Even finding a single person makes a huge difference. Self- care yes bit messy environment, no. Overwhelmed? Too much stuff around? 5. Emotional triggers. Destabilize you. 6. Consistent routine important. 7. Perceived futility. You feel cleaning is a waste of time. 8. Reduced self- worth due to trauma. 9. Fear of taking ownership. When your feelings and boundaries have been constantly violated, taking ownership can be intimidating. Judith Orloff: Healing from emotional trauma requires reclaiming your space and your sense of self. 10.. Social comparison.

[@Harmony357-61]

After being with him for almost 3 decades i finally just sat down and quit everything during the last few years with him. Later, i realized i was paralyzed in that horrible fog. I felt if i did anything it would be met with some form of criticism. It didn't matter what i said or did i was to be told by him always that it was wrong. I may never completely recover but i am at a place where i learned to deal with my triggers and have deep compassion for myself. I wouldn't wish this type of abuse on my worst enemy. You truly do believe the words of the people you love.

[@DiaryofaNarcissistsDaugh-ki2ct]

I live in the mind-state of "rebellion", to my own detriment, because I feel like crap when my house is untidy. When I look around at the mess, I still hear my mothers SCREAM RAGING voice ordering me to clean up. As an adult, what peeved me the most is if she came to my house and I was in the middle of having a clean up or clean out, she'd raise her eyebrows and smirk in her own little way, as only narcissists can do, and say "Having a little clean up are you?" To anyone else, that would sound harmless, but she always had a hidden belittling meaning behind it and that was, that I was incapable or "lesser" for being in that state in the first place. Mind you, she was and is no clean freak herself and as a child, it was often HER mess I was ordered to clean up. But as you know, narcissist can do no wrong. As a result of her verbal abuse during my formative and adult years, I often find myself looking at my mess and I sit motionless and powerless and ultimately physically and mentally exhausted because I relive everything that she ever said and did, because a big part of me feels like I'm still cleaning for her instead of myself. I'm fully no contact now (7 months to date) but it is early days and exorcising that she-demon who took hostage of my brain is no easy task.

[@sfkeepay]

This is what my grandmother did to my mom, and what my great-grand father inflicted on my grandmother. It’s so powerfully wounding and insidious. I hope your recovery is complete and permanent. All the best to you.

[@DiaryofaNarcissistsDaugh-ki2ct]

@@sfkeepay Thank you. x

[@susanmercurio1060]

Flashbacks

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

@@DiaryofaNarcissistsDaugh-ki2ct Feel free to tell that ghost voice in your head to get lost when you hear it and tell yourself something nice in its place. Practice it enough and maybe you will stop hearing the nasty.

[@angelahendricks-godfrey7320]

This video was so helpful for me and made me realize that I am not alone in the struggle of cleaning and maintaining my home and I have never been like this before but I have been trying to figure out what I have done that makes me this way now and then I watched this video and realized the problem was being abused by a narcissist boyfriend for too many years now and he is now absent from my life and I need to get back to my life and focus on myself and my happiness and get my house back together so I can feel better about myself and not having an excuse for not having a tidy home but I also feel overwhelmed by it all and really need to find someone who can help me with my tasks because I’m afraid that I can’t do it all by myself and will give up before I finish it. I may have to listen to this video and the advice is definitely worth listening to it when I’m trying to clean up and bring my happiness back in my mind thank you for sharing this advice I thought I was the only one and I had no idea that my problem was because of my narcissist boyfriend

[@karenbrauch1456]

I just found out this year that my mom is the narcissistic and I'm the target (victim). I'm living with her again at 57 years old. It's no wonder I'm untidy, but didn't realize that it was a sign of narcissistic abuse. For Pete's sake, I want to get away from it!

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

So get out of her house. Get your own place or find someone looking for a room mate.

[@Intensity764]

Can you make a video to help us be concise? I tend to go into too much detail.

[@spotthenarcissist]

Will do!

[@louborlagdan140]

That's it, Perceived Futility. Thank you for this video.

[@karenwilliams5724]

If I’m going to be complained at for cleaning. I’m going to not clean and get those complaints. At least then the complaint will be true and I won’t be physically tired.

[@williamrussell2353]

Exactly... my stepmother doesn't like the way I clean the barn. So, the barn doesn't get cleaned anymore.

[@RonSafreed]

My abusive narc. father always told my mother who could cook & clean, "you can't clean sheeet around here" & he was always cleaning but bitching out loud, how no one else cleans nothing but ole dad has to do all the work around the house & yard!!! Called the whole family lazy, sorry asses that can't & wont do anything, for years & decades!!

[@karenwilliams5724]

@@RonSafreed ugh! My Dad always complained about my brother then complained because my brother was willingly helping others who thanked him nicely for his hard work.

[@danika9411]

I realized that if I cleaned I would feel anxious. I don't feel happy about a nice home. I was punished A LOT as a child. There was no praise whatsoever for anything. Whenever I finished a task, I'd be anxious. The best reaction was no reaction. I cleaned and did tasks as if I was in fight or flight. And now when I want to do something like cleaning I feel the same way I did back then. There is just anxiety and worst case scenario dissociation.

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

Yeah and my mom wanted the living room untouched and unlived in. If we left Anything in there we got screamed at. So neat places got associated in my mind with getting screamed at.

[@danika9411]

@JoyPeace-ej2uv I'm so sorry. I wasn't allowed to eat with the family anymore, because I dropped marmelade. I ate at a separate table for years. First it was a punishment, then it became normal until I moved out. They are so unreasonable and over the top with their punishments.

[@RonSafreed]

MANY NARCISSISTS USE CLEANING AS A WEAPON & MY NARC. FATHER REALLY BEAT ME FOR YEARS & DECADES OVER BEING "NEAT & CLEAN" & ALSO USED THAT I WAS NEVER IN THE MILITARY LIKE HE WAS & SHOULD HAVE LEARNED IN THE MILITARY LIKE HE DID!! MY ABUSED MOTHER KNEW HOW TO COOK & CLEAN BUT MY NARC. FATHER WOULD ALWAYS SAY TO HER "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO CLEAN SHEEET" LIKE HE WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE HOUSE THAT COULD CLEAN!! I INHERITED THE HOUSE BUT THE YEARS & DECADES OF NARC. ABUSE IN THE HOUSE & ALSO OUT OF THYE HOUSE, IN SCHOOL, THE NEIGHBORHOOD, MY IN-LAWS WHEN I WAS MARRIED & ON SO MANY JOBS & CHURCHES OVER THE YEARS HAVE TAKEN ITS TOLL & I AM SUFFERING WITH VARIOUS HEALTH CONDITIONS BECAUSE OF EFFEN NARCISSISM!!

[@AVToth]

It's knowing, knowledge from past experience, that if he sees me accomplish something, it will casually, and always "accidentally" (although it doesn't look accidental to me), be ruined or destroyed. There's never been an apology, never been an attempt to rectify, like there would be if he'd been at someone else's house when it happened. Then he would be apologizing and trying to put things right. I get "Oh, like it's going to break your ass to do it again."

[@TR-nv3if]

Because mine keeps making messes, messing up what I’ve organized, he’s made more disorganization.. he keeps cluttering up what I’ve cleaned.. if I ask him nicely not to, or etc,, he gets vb abusive or plays stupid and forgetful.

[@RonSafreed]

My narc. father use to tell my abused mother, that could cook &clean, "you don't know how to clean sheet around here & I would say dad, mom knows how to cook & clean & he would say IMOP she don't know nothing & this went on for years & decades & my poor mother & we kids as well!!

[@sjla2009]

Wow, all of these points were sooo true!! 😮😮 ✔️

[@tagaway6173]

_We deserve that clean space!_ Life is chaotic enough. 😔 By the way I loved the format of putting the name/pics of people you are citing.

[@stephaniefrancis6080]

And here I am sitting in my choatic messy dusty room listening to this podcast.

[@beatrix-ec1xf]

Same. 😢 I left a bad relationship that took 12 years of my life. I've been abandoned by family and fell into a very abusive relationship at 16. It has been a real struggle I've been working since I was 16 and gave up everything for that relationship to be treated like waste. And this abuser keeps trying to come back it's like he's not finished with his work. He doesn't want me to be happy or thrive or live a life I want. He wants to drag me to hell and ride me like a surf board. I hate him so much. He has ruined and changed me in awful ways. I haven't been happy in a long long time.

[@JoyPeace-ej2uv]

@@beatrix-ec1xf Move. Lose the loser. If you can get a friend to be a room mate that will seriously help get him to go away.

[@BrittneySamoneSilver]

It will get better. You will find your light. Hold on! ♥

[@sylviadoncarlos6762]

I’ve minimized items in my home. Less is more doesn’t overwhelm me when I don’t have the energy to tidy up.