Why Perfectionism Has the Opposite Effect

[@Everythingismeaningless344]

Perfectionism is the commitment to not being belittled

[@allikep]

100%

[@russBwright]

Or fear of being little

[@Sid90s]

You just summarized 31 yrs of my life with that sentence 😭🫣

[@skjelm6363]

The right question seems here to me "Belittled compared to what?"

[@TheBillaro]

yeah well said. we were belittled, such a good word for it, as children so we are desperate to avoid it.

[@cortneylemasurier5543]

Growing up with a perfectionist, you learn you have to EARN love. Being perfect then becomes the goal in everything you do.

[@Sarisgtz93]

for the past couple of years, I completely isolated myself. I couldn't go out because I didn't have the perfect clothes. because I didn't have the perfect body. I didn't want to meet my friends because my career wasn't going well and I felt like I had made so many mistakes I was ashamed to tell people about it. and I became this person almost afraid of sunlight, because everyone would see me or know me and hate me because of my imperfections. but this year. I decided to make a change. and it hasn't been easy and I wouldn't say I'm wholly changed. or that I've completely changed my habits, or that I don't feel this way anymore. like everything I'm doing is wrong, scared of people hating me and taking on bigger projects or procrastinating on them for fear of failing. but I've been doing better, and trying to do differently. and this year has been the best year of my life so far.

[@nalediyawa4790]

I resonate so much with not going out because I didn't have the perfect clothes. Lost out on having fun with my peers.

[@Maria-lp3ry]

I like how you made small changes. I said when I am 29 pounds lighter than I will be happy but I realized that I needed to be happy now. Life isn’t a rehearsal; it’s the real thing! Good luck on your journey!

[@darya5293]

Lots of love to you ❤😊

[@ColorDeluge]

Perfectionism is a defense mechanism originating from a shame wound. That is, perfectionism is fueled by shame.

[@Bealtaine947]

I have been working on this by purposely doing things less than my interpretation of perfection and then sit with the uncomfortability. Yes, it is very uncomfortable, but I have learned that I don't die, most people don't even notice what I notice of my imperfection. I practice this every day and it does get easier. I reserve my perfection for the really important situations that demand my total and best of my ability perfection.

[@Kay-kg6ny]

I love this, great approach!

[@DanMaul-ip1is]

Damn this hits hard. I hate that all therapy now is online or over zoom, most people with emotional damage need personal relationships and now even in therapy we’ve removed that. Our country will be one big mentally ill collective in 5 years. I wish they hosted in person conferences. I would pay for that.

[@toad1971]

Damn I didnt know this. Been thinking of getting some therapy finally after years of debating it. I work from home and I already spend so much time in Zoom etc. I would benefit from getting out of the house for sure. I wouldnt feel like I'm really connecting to someone in Zoom.

[@GoldenDelicious78]

This is so sad... we don’t deserve this. Life shouldn’t be just struggle.

[@skjelm6363]

It is not only that, for sure. It is like the heart would complain about the work between the pauses to keep life in rhythm.

[@susanoliveira3155]

I love what this man is doing for us... sharing his knowledge

[@PaigeSquared]

I was basically mute in elementary school. Didnt get much more expressive until college.

[@PaigeSquared]

Yes. At first I thought I was type A, and then I felt guilty that I was not type A for a few years, and then I realized it was self abuse; keeping myself upset.

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

I shut-up at an early part in life because I was always afraid I would say the wrong thing and it would show failure to have read the material well enough AHEAD of time!

[@alicephoenixpoetryjournal9062]

Same, still do this now.... Idk how to escape this, because shame will come anyway, so, idk why not just be openly wrong or not the best ​@@CynthiaSchoenbauer

[@magmaaron]

This model ensures traumatized people continue to strive for more every year while receiving less and it increases economic profits. We see the cost of perfectionism across society. It is a common trait with people who suffer from addiction and reality escape behaviors due to the immense pressures on the psyche and emotional body.

[@natalie77867]

I had to stop my perfectionism when I realised I was becoming a screeching maniac inconsistent mother. Like my mum was. Better to have a dirty house than my children walking on eggshells and afraid all the time ❤

[@TheBillaro]

yeah i was treated that way. not nice.

[@Ominous89]

Drawing all sides of Notre Dame stone by stone thaught me one thing. At a certain scale, it doesn't have to be perfect. It has to be whole. Once it was whole, only I could point out where I made the mistakes and flaws in the picture. While others are looking in awe of the result: it still looks as if it is coming out of the paper. Others wouldn't have noticed the mistakes unless professionals or I pointed them out. To them it looks perfect. For me I know where I failed. I'm still preparing to work on a final version with completed spires on the front towers. But first I needed to work on myself and clear my mind for one last stone by stone drawing of Notre Dame de Paris. It's like giving birth after thousands of hours of drawing. It's not done until I'm in tears of awe, tears of satisfaction, and tears of fulfillment. "You can try the best you can, the best you can is good enough." - Radiohead, Optimistic.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I have seen many churches and monasteries and in the interior patios with beautiful columns it was common for architectures to built one column complitely different to not make it perfect on purpose because for them perfection was only meant for God's creations.

[@Ominous89]

@@Lyrielonwind the front towers aren't exactly symmetrical either in real life. It has little differences. E.E.Violett le duc designed 2 different spires on the towers. It still looks near symmetrical.

[@xnx2158]

I'm very thankful to have found your channel. Thank you for sharing this. I can be a perfectionist about myself and my art. I've gotten alot better since being in therapy but it's still a work in progress.

[@skjelm6363]

Damn, I thought for many years I had overcome perfectionism, because I understood back then in art, that it is okay to seek perfection knowing there is no such thing as perfection. But now listening to you I realize that there is still a very silent part in me at work, that keeps up the guilt in many hidden emotional minimized parts. Except in art. There I feel free. Now I understand. Thank you!

[@skinnyway]

I have had to be absolutely perfect because I was born autistic and was not allowed to draw attention to myself or have needs. I had to give myself permission to screw up and experience life. It is so hard to allow yourself to make mistakes. Think Monica from friends in a dirty house. thats me about making mistakes or being accused of it. you better have proof and not a bunch of trumped up BS. but in the real world if you love your children and are a much better parent than most they will twist that in family court and give your child to the rapist or worst parent period. we've proved it so many times.

[@TheBillaro]

my goodness this hit home and hit hard. I've been like this for a very long time. I'm really hard on myself for small things.

[@silviaconjar1184]

this is just great.thank you ... such a great teaching and explanation ...love it and I would call it fake perfectionism ...as perfect doesn't exist

[@darya5293]

Perfectly explanatory, thank you!!!!!

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

This is sooo good!

[@bradmodd7856]

Physics tries to look at atoms bouncing as what is going on, but it seems to me there is a lot going right here at the surface that is not underlied by such processes, it stands by itself. But that is getting off track, he knows his psych, I won't throw away my perfectionism though....I don't have anything else!

[@JohannaPalmer-c9r]

I was talking about this today with my christian therapist I hate when I make mistakes I can't fail

[@helenenorman3598]

Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪

[@GoldenDelicious78]

Visst är han bra! ☺️

[@knittingneedles]

Super helpful thank you

[@Bwahzehdezooner]

My soon-to-be-ex-wife. She was impossible to live with. Nothing was ever good enough, including me, who loved her very much.

[@DFG1111]

Maybe she never felt good enough. If you seen her as looking at you as if it was a mirror then you might of had some compassion for her and that in turn would of helped her be more accepted/ you would of felt more accepted.

[@NB-yu4lj]

@@DFG1111or maybe it was her

[@positivevibe7684]

​@DFG1111 You described my husb. He feels he's not good enough. He's on the spectrum and seems to be depressed the majority of the time.😢 I love him dearly. ❤

[@leahcalabro2787]

I appreciate learning about how our wounded parts can be identified, but I would find it *easier to listen (eg, all the negative side effects) if you could balance this information with some positive ways of working with with these parts. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.🌿

[@roxy7255]

Agreed. I notice that with a lot of his shorts. Otherwise you are just left leaving depressed.

[@TheBillaro]

hear hear

[@delmarreyna]

Heartbreaking 😢

[@SeemoreButts-d6x]

Yep, you are 100% correct, it is heart breaking. 😢Everything he describes is me, to a T, 100% and I’m living it. It’s out of shame in childhood comes all the things he describes, me as a people pleaser, a perfectionist, someone with no boundaries and much more😢

[@sovereign.spirit]

Thank you so much

[@kathleenwharton2139]

We are All Just people..sinners Saved by Gods Grace 😊❤

[@RatedB1]

Sheesh I feel so cooked listening to this one XD

[@Kay-kg6ny]

CRISPY 🤣

[@mintyichigo5153]

we ain't well done we're perfectly done 😂❤

[@chelly2468]

Alright alright alright 👍🏼💔

[@tinaf1975]

?

[@gulliver7419]

So how do you stop doing it, it isn't easy.

[@nevadatan7323]

Perfectionism is absolutely nothing aspirational It's a paralysing prison of your own making. The only thing it shows to people is that you're completely terrified and afraid.

[@positivevibe7684]

My husb is somewhat of a perfectionist. He feels like a failure when things go wrong in his life. He's on the spectrum and seems to be depressed the majority of the time. I've suggested counseling several times. However, he feels he doesn't need to go.😢

[@dgvfsa66]

I made a pact with my daughter that if I was ever in the hospital she would have to come every day and draw my eye brows on perfectly. But then I had them permanently tattood on so I don't have to worry about it ever again. How's that for weirdness?

[@angelagholson4988]

LOL!!!!!! I'm laughing with you. You did what you felt was needed you know those children can't be trusted.

[@tshepogaoganediwe5671]

OMG so I am a perfectionist? Lol … I thought I am the opposite because my avoidant personality 🙆🏽‍♂️

[@markcooperartcomofficial]

Now you know why this system needs to be destroyed.

[@harper7509]

Y'all are going to prison for paying Kid Rock to kill me and you're gonna give back what you stole from me too and so is Youngstown College

[@Rebecca.Smith7]

This is evil. Bringing people self awareness to their problems without giving them solutions. You are giving people problems without providing the solution. It reminds me of beauty companies who craft problems and position themselves or their products as the remedy. I really hope this dude doesn’t do one on one coaching or sell books or else this whole shtick is diabolical

[@m2pozad]

Ridiculous! Shame based trauma is the frequent basis, and that means individual therapy, not universal prescriptions in an 18 minute talk.

[@JulesB93]

The solution is individual therapy, which Tim often mentions. Maybe you should ask yourself why you took his informative video so personally. His videos actually help those who have suffered trauma understand themselves better and those of us who want to better understand them.

[@Rebecca.Smith7]

@@JulesB93 i explained why I have deemed it diabolical. I gave a clear example. Ask yourself why your blind to what he’s doing? It’s not helping people if you wound them, in order to sell them the remedy. Remove your rose coloured glasses.

[@Rebecca.Smith7]

@@m2pozad 100% He manufactures the problem by reframing a common coping mechanism. Goes into elaborate detail to convince the viewer they have a problem. So he can sell himself as the remedy. If he were trying to help people, he would give just as much elaborate detail in providing practical solutions, offer websites they can read or groups for support but instead, he positions himself as the fix. I am concerned for vulnerable people who subscribe to him.

[@robbert4968]

This man is opening my eyes with each video. I don't require instant solutions. I don't believe in those. It starts with awareness. Is that not enough?