Why you obsess over not feeling enough as a Fearful Avoidant

In this video I’m going to talk about why you obsess about not feeling enough for your partner as a fearful avoidant. Whether it’s feeling like you don’t feel enough love, not enough attraction, you don’t miss him/her enough.. you feel like it all should be more intense and more passionate and you’re just not feeling it. I know how frustrating and confusing it can be. So, let’s talk about this.
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-- CONTENTS --
00:00 Intro
04:41 Allowing all of your feelings
05:51 Live Q&A on 21th of March
06:35 The ‘shoulds’
06:49 Wanting to feel intensely & when it doesn’t feel perfect, it’s nothing
09:15 Being afraid of making mistakes
13:00 Intense feelings as a protection
14:41 Feelings will follow your choice
#fearfulavoidant #healingattachmentstyle #relationshipdoubt #doubts #obsessivethoughts #feelings #paulientimmer

[@creepydani3225]

Omg I have been struggling so much with these feelings and I felt so alone in them (I should know better by now haha). Ironically, I refused to tell anybody because subconsciously I was avoiding being told that I should leave my bf. This video could not have come at a better time

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

Congratulations for becoming aware of this since your first relationship when you could simply say : This isn't the one ! I had to sabotage many relationships before they even started before I could become aware of it

[@inanedreamz673]

I have this same “not enough” feeling but don’t really have romantic relationships - it translates into coveting the spiral of life, whether upwards or downwards, only that it’s extreme

[@friarpesel5646]

I’ve experienced this. I wonder if this is why FAs tend to end up in bad relationships where their partner is “exciting” (adrenalizing)

[@andreafedolfi7337]

It's true that most of the times we are the ones who want to be perfect all the time, but i experienced so many times scenarios where i was required to be perfect not from me but from other people. What i realized is that understanding that you are not perfect doesn't stop you from demanding perfection from others. At least this is how everyone treated me for a huge period of my life. So in my case, it's not really myself that's not allowing my imperfections

[@deelovessea]

Wow this is so spot on and helpful!!!! I just watched it three times. You are the best! This could have literally changed my life. I hope one day you make an affirmations/ reprogramming video. You know exactly what we need to hear. Even longer phrases like "you don't need control or perfection in your relationship, and no one has that. You do have so much influence. Trust yourself to make a great choice. Then feel safe investing in it.." etc. That would be amazing.

[@holyrustedmetal6786]

Perfection equals Control, to the Fear Brain. Your videos have helped a ton!

[@missmigz6559]

Thank you for your lovely videos. I started therapy at 47 after sabotaging many of my relationships and am on the path of healing and self awareness.

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

The feelings are coming from you, the partner is just a trigger If you decided that this person is makign you happy, it's not that you're giving them that power to make you happy, it's because you decided that that's what they are gonna trigger inside of you But the choice to feel that way is yours only We should leberate our partners from the responsibility of controling our own emotions or making us Happy because that's an inside job

[@alexanderhan854]

Thank you so much for making this video Paulien. Your channel has been so validating and insightful to my last breakup. I was struggling with all of these thoughts on why I wasn’t feeling enough for my partner and it gave me constant anxiety to want to leave which made it so stressful to be in a relationship. I now have much more insight on how to work through a future relationship

[@wm5250]

Paulien, thank you. I have so many more words but cant quite put them in the right order... thank you.

[@allenantonioheyllatorre5720]

I enjoy watching your videos you do an amazing job of giving the FA perspective. Im not sure if my partner is FA or DA. But it has really helped me to understand watchig your videos. I hope to find a DA perspective that does as good as you.

[@24megabytesleft]

14:46 this is the worst news I’ve heard forget trying to heal I’m doubling down

[@rebeliantkaaa2976]

I feel this emotion, now I understand, this isn't my fault.

[@31896eneri]

Mine broke up with me 5 days ago because she said she is empty and cannot reciprocste my love. She was caught in a crash state during her PMS + triggers from me piling up (they were minor ones and I didnt know attachment styles then) + other stress factors. She blocked me on all socmed platforms but was able to send your YT channel to her email hours ago We were in a healthy loving relationship for 6 months until minor issues started triggering her

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Sorry you are going through this. Sending you lots of love❤

[@magnushelliesen]

I’m dating (for 7mo) someone I think might be FA (I don’t know of any trauma, but ticks so many boxes). Should I suggest to them to look into attachment styles or is that overstepping a boundary? I’ve been very confused lately but now it makes so much sense.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Only if they are showing an interest in wanting to heal! Otherwise, sadly, it will probably only cause resistance

[@lizzzarduh]

Can you make a video about the cognitive distortion black and white thinking tendencies? My FA ex has said he doesn’t know what he feels like he just doesn’t know himself and I think it means he thought he needed to feel super strong like how you explained?

[@sunbeam9222]

Makes so much sense to me, you pick a cup and pour into it, you don't go a lifetime looking at cups, picking one, throwing it away cos it wasn't a full one, again and again and again lol. But I don't think my FA is nowhere near close enough to accept that view consistently.