"Instantly Put Toxic People In Their Place!" - Show Your Worth Without Saying A Word | Terri Cole

100x your confidence NOW: Radical Confidence, here: radicalconfidence.com/
It’s Lisa Bilyeu and I’m PUMPED to share this episode of Women of Impact with you today about something SO important and SO hard to do, and that’s setting AND HOLDING your boundaries!
And the amazinggggg woman here to help is the Boundary Boss herself, my homie Terri Cole.!
Terri has been on the show a number of times because she is SO DAMN GOOD at empowering women to put toxic people in their place!! And in this episode, she’s sharing soooo many amazing tactics and insights into setting and holding your boundaries AND how to deal with the people in your life and exactly WHAT to say to those who don’t respect your boundaries.
We go into:
- The 5 categories of boundaries & why you need health boundaries in all of them
- Why boundaries are the best BRIDGES in your relationships, NOT BLOCKS!!
- How to get away from the manipulator who is exploiting your good heart to get you to stay
- Actual word for word Boundary scripts you can use to flip the conversation and power dynamic when someone is blatantly crossing your boundaries
- How to deal with someone who repeatedly & purposefully crosses your boundaries
- And MUCH MORE!
So listen up homie!! Cause your comfort and your feelings frikin’ MATTER, and the ONLY person’s feelings that are YOUR responsibility are YOUR OWN - it’s NOT your responsibility to take care of the feelings of others!!!
Chapter Markers:
❌ [00:00] How to effectively set boundaries
❓ [11:21] Handling intrusive questions
🚩 [17:01] Consequences for repeat offenders
❤️ [28:29] Love bombing & controlling relationships
🛑 [33:24] Grand gestures & your gut
🚨 [46:43] Enforcing consequences of your boundaries
TERRI’S SIZZLING QUOTES:
“If someone is asking you intrusive questions, whether family of origin in particular, can be very much this way, where they're like, why don't you have kids? So why don't you eat wheat? Why don't you eat gluten? What's whatever? Where's the person you brought last year? Or whatever. Whatever the thing is that they're asking you, you gained weight. Like, people will just say the most messed up crap, right? Do not give them the answer. That's the thing, is don't share information about yourself that is close to your most tender heart with someone who you don't want to."
"If it's a repeat offender, there's got to be some kind of consequence. And I'm not talking about an ultimatum per se. When we hear the word ultimatum and we're like, does that mean if someone doesn't do what I want, I'm going to end every relationship? It's not that, but there are appropriate consequences for boundary violations."
"Another indication of abuse can be someone who's declaring that you're flirting with, like the bus driver when you're not, someone who wants to control what you're wearing. You can't wear that shirt because it shows your belly. You can't wear those pants because it makes you look slutty, quote unquote."
"If there's an urgency and you're feeling pressured, that is a red flag to step back, tap the brakes, give yourself space, allow yourself to think. Because a lot of times when someone is wanting to control you, it's almost like there's an overwhelm."
"If you're in an abusive relationship, do not tell the person that you're planning on ending the relationship. Just don't, because it could provoke them to violence, which, of course, we wouldn't want."
"So a lot of times, the most effective boundary in that situation is to warn the person. And then when things are fine, saying, hey, every time you get to that level of agitation, I'm leaving with the kids or you have to leave, like trying to put physical space, especially if the person feels bad or wants to change or has remorse, right?"
Follow Terri Cole:
Website: www.terricole.com/
Instagram: / terricole
Podcast: www.terricole.com/podcast/
Follow Me, Lisa Bilyeu:
Website: www.radicalconfidence.com/
Instagram: / lisabilyeu
Facebook: / lisabilyeu
X: / lisabilyeu
If you want to dive deeper into my content, search through every episode, find specific topics I've covered, and ask me questions. Go to my Dexa page: dexa.ai/lisabilyeu
Themes: Confidence, Relationships, Business, Mental Health, Self-Improvement

[@LisaBilyeu]

WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!

[@usexybiissh]

PLEASE LET ME SHARE MY STORY ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@allyw1364]

My Mother was a Narcissist and I became a "People Pleaser" .....so have been taken advantage of most of my life, I prefer to isolste and feel safe now ,sad but true

[@choosetruthalways7995]

I had the same experience with my mother and feel the same way... But it's such a lonely place..

[@user-hf7zm2sm3v]

I understand

[@mremington8]

There is no past tense for a Narc, also, your only a victim if accept that frame

[@evileye1]

Its extremely lonely. Sometimes I find myself back in a similar situation to deal with it How do you deal with it?

[@gottabme]

Many of us can relate, it seems. At 67 years old, disabled by the @buse, it is, indeed, a very lonely place to be! Not repeating the pattern has become my #1 goal, though! I just try to spend each day being thankful for being alive! I am no longer willing to pay that price for companionship.

[@janberger4057]

When someone asks you a personaĺ question, all you need to do is smile sweetly and say "And why do you ask dear?" It puts the question right back on them!!!

[@johnharrison2511]

People asking too many questions are the ones to avoid. They test your defences and will use any lapses, or misplaced trust, against you, when it suits their purpose.

[@user-xs3tv2lt3s]

Thank you very much. I'm start a new job soon and, i needed that....

[@tonimontes9520]

It’s brilliant.

[@brittanystipe]

Love this!

[@dorisallen100]

I love you that response and will use it with narcissistic family members. I especially like that you smile sweetly and put the question back on them. Thank you!

[@yarabia]

Toxic people will always push your boundaries, and try how much they can play you - only YOU can stop it by not letting them.

[@Levandetag]

....they are so afraid of, their not having the upper top, or always "Im boss here" of it all here in them, and It is our own, frightened sides which do not want to be confrontal with them, that makes them have it their way only, never a cooperative thought or feeling in them, until we change ourselves. They play games, we dont! Truth feels better

[@elisekrentzel-rebelwriter]

Toxic people themselves do not push your boundaries on purpose; it's YOUR reaction to them. So in essence it's a really good lesson to eventually not react and that takes time where there is no "charge".

[@DivineInsights4]

90% of life is how we Respond.

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Now European scientists in Sweden or somewhere found out that Artificial intelligence, is not very intelligent. Sam Vaknin said few years ago something similar about AI. They said it puts together wrong information about humans, all kinds of inaccurate information about humans and it looks like a strange mixture "mambo jumbo" nonsense or like some strange caricature of information. ....But they found out AI has very strong "convincing" power. They found out that Artificial intelligence is able to convince people about "it´s own" truth by 82 percent. and as we know human brain can be very easily hypnotised or brainwashed by screens, some people can believe nonsense if they get some "gift" or "prize" for it, endles subscribtions etc ...like catfishing by AI probbaly...As the mice in laboratory gets the prize for something. Or if they dont practice metacognitive thinkling method, inner intuition, or meditation, they are not immune to wrong info. So be careful what you read on internet and dont take it seriously, if some channel or article say to you some nonsense, it may be also result of AI "convincing" powers and strategies. Especially dont give these informations to little children or to teenagers who dont understand life and who need positive example.....especially about family values or men and women values etc.......because then we may became the caricature the artificial intelligence thinks about people., if small children will start to watch the nosnsese, because their memory needs normal hobbies and habits.

[@nickieglazer7065]

​@@elisekrentzel-rebelwriter Not true. Some people have openly admitted to pushing buttons in order to provoke a reaction or hurt the other person in question. Yes, ones response is ones responsibility. Always. But there are some that deliberately will say things in order to cause hurt. In this case, disengage and walk away.

[@CJSmith-ky5bh]

Ha ha ha this reminded me of a “friend” I once had who was a bully and toxic in so many ways and she said to me “I can’t wait to see the back of you” and I replied, “here ya go” as I literally walked away from her. Last thing she ever saw was the back of me 😂😂😂

[@veganvocalist4782]

whaaaa 🤣😅🙌 love it

[@taleandclawrock2606]

That says your attention was too valuable to waste on her.

[@tanyabaughn3639]

Heck yes!☮️💟✝️good for you!!!

[@johnharrison2511]

They have their knives ready for your back when it is turned, so remember to wear some armour.

[@Baby_mercedes86]

Someone I used to know

[@susanhewitt6359]

Every accusation is a confession with a narcissist! They will accuse you of the same thing they're doing every time. It's GUILT.

[@lislelisle5453]

Thanks for this comment 👍

[@catalinadoinapreda3653]

You pointed it out soo clear! Thank you!

[@user-ww4qs3ff2q]

It doesn't seem like they have guilt.

[@Cvandyful]

PROJECTION!!!!

[@moriuma558]

They usually do it when they are cornered and exposed, and have zero rebuttal.

[@nicolahacking2623]

I've said before...she is a good interviewer. She actually listens and doesn't try to override the interviewee.

[@theoriginal7727]

I am more familiar with her husband and his work, I know that she has had her own amazing things going on for a long time! But just haven’t taken the opportunity to listen much before this. I had a couple cluster bee abuser relationships that nearly did me in, and did on, irreparable damage to my business, life and relationships. Grateful that more and more people are having these conversations. Just caught a really amazing one with Alanis Morissette and Dr. Ramani a couple days ago! I didn’t know that she was in this realm either, and she’s incredibly brilliant. I don’t follow her personal lives of Hollywood people so a lot of things have been surprised me the last couple years, especially the Johnny Depp and Amber trial which I found out about narcissistic abuse survivor support group. Sure enough, that chick is all over the cluster B spectrum.

[@weboflifeproducts5310]

Lisa is an excellent interviewer. She listens carefully and then asks excellent questions of her guests.

[@theoriginal7727]

Love this!! it is a really special gift, not many interviewers/Podcasters even have it… A lot of times they jump in and start jumping all over the place and taking over the conversation! I still love hearing all of these, but Lisa is definitely something special. I recently found out that Alanis Morissette also has her own podcast! And, though I’ve only watched one of them so far, with Dr. Ramani, I subscribed and I’m definitely going back for more. Brilliant woman!

[@saratonnan]

I have a family member who likes to tell me what other people say about me. Next time I'm going to respond with "why would you tell me that? ". I'm setting up a boundry of what I'll tolerate from this person. Thanks for this empowering video! ❤

[@valkiria1986]

I'd add to that: 'and why do you care so much about what others think about me or whoever else?' 'Do you truly think I do?' 😂

[@saratonnan]

@@valkiria1986 love it! I'll use it!

[@gottabme]

Yep! There's also, "You seem terribly worried about other people's opinions. I don't really care what (_____) thinks of me."

[@DaisyAnnabelle6]

that’s is gossiping and it breaks one of the 10 commandments in Gods word which is thou shall not bear false witness of thy neighbor. Bearing false witness is gossip and your neighbor can be anyone you know. I can’t stand a gossiper they are troublemakers!

[@findinghiddenriches]

Also you don't know for sure that the people are actually saying these things. We've got a liar/drama starter in our family who really likes to control the family dynamic and sabotage relationships between other members of the family. They also do this for the purpose of isolating each member for easier control. Don't believe everything they say.

[@slinca]

Eye contact is HUGE. When we look down or away after making a request, we've just turned the volume down on the request itself.

[@dianearena2516]

You're so right! I love this! Thank you for pointing that out! I wasn't thinking about that. I'm trying so hard to learn to be stronger with my boundaries without getting upset. I honestly bet I look down every time.

[@theoriginal7727]

@@dianearena2516yes!! skills we can practice, as we are healing and growing and reclaiming our life and sovereignty, and moving away from shame based persona into healthy ones.

[@Peendee]

Absolutely loved this episode. It validated me and what I’m going through right now. Setting some boundaries, where there were none before, has lead to some aggression coming my way. I’m changing and it’s like they telling me I have no right to. I was starting to feel like maybe I’m wrong to do it so suddenly, but this talk helped me straighten that up. Thank you Lisa for hosting such wonderful talks

[@cece9770]

It’s so telling when people get upset when you set boundaries for yourself. Stand your ground.

[@MZCOY1]

Sounds about right! Nope, you’re right on target. They’ll get used to it and you’ll feel better

[@theoriginal7727]

@@cece9770come on now!! 🎉🎉🎉 abusers, narcissist, borderline, etc., so quickly go into a rage when somebody has basic, adult boundaries. Furious nuclear tantrums. It’s like they’re just completely allergic to reality…

[@cdeebee2577]

It is called self-love for me. My boundaries are for my best interest and I have learned not to shame, blame myself and or them for that matter. But my boundaries are firm.

[@gottabme]

When ppl say things like, "May I ask you a personal question?"; I tell them, (as kindly as possible), that they may ask, but I don't promise an answer!

[@shoshanakirya-ziraba8216]

Knowing when this advice serves you and when it doesn't takes discernment.

[@crankiemanx8423]

Always

[@SassyO100]

Totally 💯

[@theoriginal7727]

All of life takes a lot of discernment, especially when societies are collapsing, and there is so much widespread insanity happening, which has been framed as normal!!

[@annemariemiguel2541]

Great conversation. I love how the video went straight to the interview without any intro fluff first.

[@health-of-it]

Boundaries are 🗝️ to getting What you want and how you want to feel.

[@Anonymas-di6zc]

Ohh very nice said Gonna keep it ! Thank you 💖

[@terri_cole]

You know it!

[@theoriginal7727]

@@terri_colewoah!! The lady herself. Pretty cool to see you interacting in the comment section here… I love KZbin! Some of the best people in the world can be located right here, in the comment sections of healing and personal development channels. ❤❤❤ and agree so absolutely… Boundaries are just key to healthy adult functioning. And so often do not get taught to children in many of our cultures. ❤❤❤ (and we are also (usually) trained to allow people to violate our boundaries, if they are in any kind of position of authority- regardless of whether they have earned it, and whether or not they are correct)

[@Natalia-xo1yj]

Some men get too comfortable when they think they can get too close for comfort. Women have to put the boundary. The male species will always try to challenge the female and how far he can go with her. Always shut down uncomfortable behavior. Don't tolerate it. Continue to put the wall until they stop. No one can lure me into conversation topics that are sexual in nature or that are uncomfortable for me. I stop it every time. Men use the road to impose their authority. You need to, as a woman, see and monitor their level of aggression. There are some men that boundaries work with. They were possibly raised by good moms. And there are some men who will go louder when you go loud on them to stop. I would highly advise not challenging angry men. The best thing to do is leave the situation. Men's rage and strength is a lot more powerful than a woman's biologically and turning on the fight or flight mode with every man that is challenging you is exhausting to you. Ignore them, don't talk to them and leave the space as quickly as possible. If they start following you, that is legally considered stalking and that's against the law and you can suit for that. Read and analyze/assess EACH situation and ask God for wisdom on how to avoid and dodge these situations for your own safety. I don't like physical contact with someone of the opposite sex if I am not in a romantic relationship. So that means I hold a boundary with EVERY SINGLE MAN OTHER THAN THE ONE GUY I AM WITH. I don't like chest to chest hugs with men because that causes them to get turned on sexually. I don't allow men to hold my waist, back or arm or any other part of my body. I will call them out immediately if they ever say something to me or do something to me that makes me feel unsafe or uncomfortable. I am willing to risk losing a job, person, etc. in order to protect myself. God will always take me to a safer place and provide for me better.

[@tanyabaughn3639]

Amen!! Very well said, thank you☮️💟✝️🦋💕

[@Natalia-xo1yj]

@@tanyabaughn3639 Thank you! 💗💕🌷✨🙌

[@melaniebrown4947]

Thank you for sharing your wisdom! Blessings 🙌

[@Natalia-xo1yj]

@@melaniebrown4947 you're welcome! 🌸🕊️💗🌷✨🐚

[@melaniebrown4947]

@@Natalia-xo1yj 😊 I appreciate you!

[@Sheisme120]

45:59 I’ve had to decide that with a certain person in my life too. She had road rage and screamed at another driver while I was in the car alone with her, so I’ve decided never again.

[@shepraysdaily]

Great reminder of warning signs/red flags. Controlling what you wear! I once had a long distance boyfriend tell me to take a photo and send it to him of what I’m wearing. Noooo way! 🏃‍♂️ RUN!!!

[@itzakpoelzig330]

I had two different boyfriends tell me to not put on chapstick while I was around them. No reason given, they just said they didn't like it and didn't want me doing it. Well, come to find out they were both tyrannical assholes, and the chapstick thing was just them testing whether I would stand up for myself. The first guy was such a a nightmare, that when the second guy made that exact same request, years later, I got chills and immediately began eyeing him with more scrutiny. To be clear, we're not talking obnoxious gobs of flavored, glittery lipgloss or something. Both times it was a minimal application of Burt's Bees.

[@allyw1364]

My Psychotic Ex came home from work and saw 2 cups in ths sink , "Who was here today,Whats going on ?" I said " 😒just me ,I had a cup of tea and a cup of soup".........F.O really?

[@szatanowska]

They should teach this at school and parents teach kids this!!! It's been decades stranger people break my boundaries, it's too late I learned this now!!!!! This is so important!!!

[@ancu2682]

They ARE! My daughter school has an extracurricular class about this. 🤗 My daughter is 12 and I see her more mature.

[@johnharrison2511]

I do think that being overly paranoid is also not healthy. I don't want a world where a friendly gesture or nod is seen as a threat or a crime. People are becoming so isolated and unfriendly in many places. All part of the Rat Race I suppose.

[@PhotoAmbrosia]

Resentment is born from ill behavoir that goes unchecked, aka no boundries, and thus is not easily remedied. Anger, on the other hand, is what you feel when your boundries are breached. You can remedy the anger by using your boundaries. It feels better than resentment by far

[@jamieleigh807]

This video is awesome the problem is, you can not have a logical conversation with a toxic nasty bully who takes no accountability for his or her own actions. It’s always naturally your fault so who am I to ask for a conversation, I’m barely worth his time let alone a conversation unless he’s got an audience. This video made me cry because I’ve realised how powerless I am now and how much power I’ve lost in my own life. I feel so sick as if I’m dying inside and I worry that he’s going to seriously hurt me

[@user-rh4vp7fd8n]

Get help and get out

[@annahayes1007]

I hear you, I hope you can remove yourself, even if it takes time to save enough to get out.

[@annahayes1007]

@@user-rh4vp7fd8n its not always possible, financially, to get out.

[@ENR400]

I’m sorry you’re in that situation. You DO have the power. It is an illusion that an abuser has the power. They only have the power you have given them. Make a plan to get out. Do not tell this person about your plan. Stick to your plan. Prepare yourself that he will guilt you, gaslight you, Hoover you, make you think he’s seen the light. Know that’s all coming. Still… stick to your plan. Do not waiver. It may be tomorrow… May be in a few weeks or months. Even if all you leave with are the kids and your dignity. It IS better on the other side. I promise. ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤ In case it helps, I have a video on how to safely leave an abusive relationship on my channel with a list of free resources you can use to help you plan to leave.

[@indiarodgers3739]

I appreciate Terri talking about some of the signs of abuse, like speeding in the car and slamming on the brakes that is being weaponised. My ex-husband used to do this all the time, I knew it was an anger problem and I told him every time myself and my daughter would have to get out of the car if it didn't stop immediately but I didn't know it was a form of abuse until years later. The abuse also escalated, these are the signs we should be widely known, and they aren't talked about nearly as much. I loved this episode, great job Lisa and Terri.

[@annahayes1007]

When he was still driving, my husband did this to me. Coming up to a stop, he would accelerate, then harshly jam the brakes, the last time he drove us anywhere, he got in four hard brake jams for one stop sign. Than the harsh acceleration. At roundabouts (Europe) he would wait until the last second to progress into the turn, and jerk the car quickly. Anything to jostle me. I asked him very nicely to brake firmly then ease off at the stop, and instead he escalated doing what he was doing to make me as uncomfortable as possible. When there was a curb in a parking space, he would run into it, and jam the brakes. He would drive over curbs. All to jostle me. He is not well now, and I've asked him to apologize and of course, he refuses. Calls me "My Angel" because despite all of this, I am giving him tender loving care. It is a matter of "You can't tell me what to do" kind of mental attitude/abuse. He never drove like that with someone else in the car. One time he almost hit a couple who were on the sidewalk he pulled up on. I said, "Watch out, you almost hit them." His response, "They could have moved." This couple looked at us with daggers, and when we returned to our car, they were across the street watching us. We got in the car, he started off, and realized our back sidewalk tire was flat. When they saw him realized this, they walked on. I mentioned it to him, and he said that they were "simple" and "slow.". When we were towed to a garage, we were told that our tire had been slashed twice with a sharp knife, I was secretly glad that this couple took their revenge on him. My husband, according to an intuitive who held his arm, said, "He wears his anger just under his skin." He had a flash point anger problem. But was always magnanimous with others, who had no idea what it is like to be married to someone like this. Everyone loves him. Everyone. They have no idea what he is like behind closed doors. Good for you that your husband is now your "ex."

[@hollywood5703]

I remember my late husband always tailgated impatiently. 😡

[@Anonymas-di6zc]

I can't say how GRATFULL I ame 🙏🏼 Finaly we can tallk Truth ! KZbinrs Healers 💞 saved my life 💖 I have no Words Strong enough to Express my Gratitude 🙏🏼💞 I come back from Hell, like all traumas survivors and need to learn how to live And that kinde of video is gold for me 💖🙌🏼

[@Anonymas-di6zc]

Yes I know that And the big problem not to be able to say if it's abuse, that's one of the teaching that gave me back some clarity and that I need my time too make it mine and give me the permission to be over reacting, because I learn and apologies when I realize that I over react, I'm human and have cptsd... I ❤️ that I can say and feel I'm ok! I coulden't, juste some monthes ago.... That's victory !! And that I deserve and aloud to say no! Without YOU 💕 survivors, my homies, I'm so proud to belong to this Amazing community 🙏🏼💞🙌🏼 🐛🦋

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am so glad this conversation was helpful ❤

[@adrianam2157]

Thanks to you and Dr. Cole for insights. May I add sneaky, sudden boundaries violations like when a coworker asks "What in the world are you carrying in that big handbag/backpack?"or on Mother's Day, "Have you even heard from your son, today?" "Are you close?" Now, I think I could have responded with "Are you trying to hurt me or turn me against my own child?" or "Why do you need know that?" The triggering is so painful! I still recall my Mother, who never bought us a toy, ranting about what a hypocrite our Dad was for buying us dolls. I tried to sleep with one and she told me they would come alive at night and scratch me. Her emotional abuse was probably, worse than the constant beatings. I have learned a lot from Jerry Wise, too. Hope you have him on some day.

[@pamspencer5733]

I'm so sorry, heartbreaking! I loved sharing my baby dolls & Barbie clothes with my friends .Spoil yourself, to no end, everyday of your life 💐

[@sazupupu]

It’s so hard for a kind person to set any boundaries even the slightest bit, because you fear you are hurting the other person’s feelings. But think about this: They are hurting you and your boundaries and feelings, why should you worry about them getting offended for simply you requesting them to be decent humans. 🤷🏼‍♀️☝️

[@gottabme]

Yep, and yep!

[@Sheisme120]

“If your gut says you’re not ready, you’re not ready.” Solid advice! I almost got married, but my gut told me a few months before the wedding that I made a mistake by moving so fast, & that I needed to slow down. I listened and postponed the wedding. I was terrified to do it, but I knew it was what I had to do. I’m still happily engaged, just taking my time.💍✨

[@terri_cole]

Way to go! ❤

[@TheKnetsie]

That's real courage! I did go through despite my gut feeling, huge mistake! Ended horribly! So well done! I learned my lesson though 😁

[@marisolp001]

Same here, I made the biggest mistake of my life, got divorced after six months though, horrible experience. Lesson learned, always listen to your heart!!

[@kathryncothern3433]

BOUNDARIES are for YOU!! Stay head strong and loving to your boundaries with your heathly heart. You have the control and power...don't give this to anyone. Don't worry about what others say, do, act. That's on them...not you. ♥

[@gardener3017]

That was my grandmother. She would look someone dead in the eye & ask them why they wanted to know. My granny rocked.

[@user-wq9ys5ub9t]

I appreciate this interview. I'm using my God+given boundaries now at 65+ plus years old and it feels so good; like freedom from allowimg control, manipulation and deceit. Boundaries are needed no matter the age.

[@eyeswideopen7777]

Where was she 20 yrs ago 😢... It would have been a different situation if i knew this technique

[@didntchaknow]

U r exactly where u r supposed to be ❤

[@eyeswideopen7777]

@@didntchaknow no we are not

[@mrsl238]

An amazing drop of rain..for any woman who cooses to evolve..like A star xxx

[@GinaJohnson-if6hr]

When I was beginning to set boundaries after 17 years of marriage to who I believe to be a covert narcissist, I was terrified to set boundaries because of the psychologically unsafe (and physically escalating) environment afterward. I would think, “At what point will he stop punching the pillow and start punching me?” I finally started having these conversations in the living room or kitchen where the people on the sidewalk could hold his anger in check because he had an image to uphold. I brought this up with my then-counselor, and he mentioned that my job was to honor myself by setting a boundary, and then watch his reaction and gather information to help me know whether to stay or to leave. Boundaries serve you twice: first to honor yourself and your own limitations, second to gather information about whether or not this other person will change.

[@sandyt5348]

Still trying and doing these techniques 32and 1/2 yrs later with certain people ❤ but I will not give up (on myself )

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

The content is so useful, plus Terry’s cadence and tone. Btw, if someone wanted to go through my phone and seems to want me to prove fidelity - that would be the end of it. No drama.

[@sharicoburn5475]

The strangers Men who say to you hey smile or you should smile. Like what am I here for your entertainment?

[@itzakpoelzig330]

Look at them with a tragic expression and say "my mom just died." Not only with they step away with a quickness, they will never try that dumb line on anyone else ever again!

[@sharicoburn5475]

@@itzakpoelzig330 I sure will!! Great idea!

[@thenewyorkcitizen]

I have responded to these types of men by saying, "you first!" They don't like it. Most of the time I just ignore men like this.

[@sharicoburn5475]

@@thenewyorkcitizen I like that response very smart

[@user-pb3sb3un7n]

I love Terri Cole. She really helped me a few years ago. I appreciate her giving people the dialogue they need to navigate those situations where we were taught to people please or cater to narcissistic parents or family members.

[@christinesilva3831]

I Agee with her, however her energy is a bit harsh. I’ve come from abuse most of my life and I used to be like that lady. Very harsh with hard line boundaries. As I healed I realized that I don’t need to be harsh as I stand my ground. There are times you need to be, but only sometimes. I know from experience that it’s more effective with most people when you’re not so harsh.

[@gdm1979]

Very wise and eloquent. Amazing information. She is spot on!! I wish I had watched that type of content when I was younger. I will make my daughter watch it. :)

[@terri_cole]

Thank youuu ❤

[@Sheisme120]

“If you do this, I’m gonna cut myself.” Absolutely horrible! As someone who used to be suicidal at the age of 19, I never once during that dark time blamed it on anyone else. If someone ever threatened to hurt themselves, I would tell them that is their problem. Because I was more mature than that even as a teenager. Even when I was out of my mind, I still knew better than to punish anyone else for it.

[@RD12349]

I used to think that way but when people who are supposed to love and care about you actually don’t give a crap and hurt you -I can see how they are blamed.

[@PhotoAmbrosia]

'I dont answer questions' the best response.

[@patriciabarn118]

My sister in law who is narcissistic never had a child. It was her choice not to. I lost my 1st born son age 33 in 2015…she has the nerve to say “oh I think losing a child is the same as losing a parent”. 🤬The nerve of these people & especially family!!!

[@susanhewitt6359]

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔 I am a parent too, and I would never presume to say I understand how someone who has lost a child feels. It's too painful for me to fathom it. Sending love and healing your way!❤

[@patriciabarn118]

@@susanhewitt6359 Ty I really appreciate your kindness. God Bless u & your family 🙏🏽💕

[@christinebeames712]

I had a friend who, when we were listening to some new friends tell us their sorrow upon losing their son , who had just died , my friend said , “ well 8 think it’s worse to loose a husband” no sympathy for them , just some for herself ,

[@susanhewitt6359]

@@christinebeames712 OMG I would have wanted to melt through the floor and disappear if I were you! It's scary that people like her are out there amongst us!😦

[@pjt3887]

First of all I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope in the future you will calmly let her know how much that hurt you. She has no idea. Also with her being a narc she needs to hear it. In the future may I suggest that you have a response ready. Or use your new boundaries you can always tell her I'm not talking about this it's too painful for me. Then walk away!

[@ursulakavaliauskas4463]

A guy I knew had a long distance gf but hung out with me. We had a good platonic relationship but when he started leaving items behind at my place, like slippers, I knew he was setting me up to be the chick in the wings. Years later after they broke up and he married someone else, he contacted me a couple of times, and I realized how annoyed he made me. I eventually blocked his number.

[@deborahhutchinson3835]

I could listen to this for hours. The advice is extremely empowering. I have a different perspective on tolerating unsafe driving. That person is literally threatening your life and if you drive, they can still distract you, hit you, grab the wheel, throw something, etc. I have been in that situation when I was much younger. Unfortunately, I'm a Paramedic and see the consequences of in car road rage as a part of my career. Knowing what I now know, I'd ask the person to pull over, tell them you need to vomit, whatever it takes, get out, call a ride or friend and leave the relationship. Being terrorized while a passenger needs to be taken as a life threat. If that person points a gun at you, they can be arrested. If they injure you or kill you in a vehicular crash, it's "just an accident " that they will most likely suffer no consequences.

[@Hammerbammers]

Good call!!

[@gottabme]

And, my ex, driving like that with our children in the car. He once ran over a whole family of ducks crossing the road, and later, a dog who was along side the highway, on purpose. Terrorized my children. NEVER allow it!

[@beegee5305]

I used to tell my ex bf that he was flirting with women all the time he denied it... every time I saw it I called him out. Still denial...said I was reading into it. 15 years later I ran into his brother and asked him if I had been off base... he said "You were right, he was always flirting and I always wondered why he did that when he had a girlfriend" .

[@annahayes1007]

My husband, always eyeing up women's body parts. Ugly.

[@distantstarabove]

HELLO, I FOUND YOUR PODCAST THIS MORNING AND AS I WAS LISTENING TO YOU AND YOUR QUEST, I HAD TO WRITE IT Bc this very thing happened to me and it's been so difficult moving forward . My husband took his life after I said I wanted space. I was 49 yrs old. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with , I have only gotten a small amount of therapy. Thank you so much for your PODCAST. Linda

[@nobodyimportant4835]

Teach people how to treat you.

[@jillianminton8506]

Lisa”s face expressions are awesome !

[@ivandejour9806]

Imma guy and get so much from your videos thanks Lisa!

[@avril.227]

If all else fails, I point blank ignore what they asked and change the subject.

[@Sarara-mv5sx]

Why isn't that the standard response? Seems most logical. I could not not be bothered to "call anyone" on anything. They're adults. Whatever you say isn't going to change them. Why waste your time? Let alone wasting time caring what a rude person thinks or feels about "how you respond" - I means, let's grow up. This sounds like high school.

[@Rut-vi7iz]

​​@@Sarara-mv5sxthat's okay for you! But your way is not superior or even wise in many situations. There is no need to dismiss alternative (and healthy) ways of doing things. The phrase "lets noy be like high school" comes across as very condescending. When people need to "bolster" themselves by being condescending and dismissive to others methods, I always wonder why?🤔

[@itzakpoelzig330]

That's my go-to response as well, but some people will just assume you didn't hear them and they'll try again louder. Or they'll take it as a sign of weakness and realize "oh, I can get away with a lot, with this one." Then the bullshit becomes neverending. I think sometimes a strong, clear, verbal "no" is really needed.

[@ItsLittleSiren]

I LOVE 💞 the story about the girl in the wheelchair! As someone who had hearing aids growing up people will poke them & ask "What's that?" Or poke me when they want to get my attention. The example of setting boundaries in that way is so powerful 💪🏼

[@sayusayme7729]

So grateful for your wonderful podcasts. Fabulous information. Thank you both

[@BunnyLuvsYouu]

I heard the way she said no before watching the video haha #inspired Cause as a super nice person who doesn’t want to be a bitch about it like avoidant I need to keep practicing this

[@robynb167]

I love the part about people asking insensitive questions- that is rampant. Lisa, I love your videos thank you

[@supernovameditationproject]

Rock on ladies! Thank you.

[@annahayes1007]

Thank you for clarifying to be aware of "people with poor mental health" who are gun-owners. That is a huge concern. Be aware that probably 99.9% of legal gun owners, would never use their guns to harm someone.

[@veganvocalist4782]

i stand my ground FIRMLY but it does not mean it will always be respected but I STILL stand my ground even though it can be VERY exhausting when it falls on deaf ears over and over especially regards territory as I am unable at present to just get up and go and move to a different location

[@whatsilviadid3993]

I was visiting my mom (i live in a different continent) and I was told by her next door neighbor and family friend “This is the biggest we have seen soon. If I was you and had the money, I would have surgery”. She said in front of my mom and i felt hurt that she didn’t say anything as much as by my neighbor’s comment. Well…I lost 25kg with a healthy diet and exercise. No surgery needed. By the way, the person who said that was obese herself…humans can be cruel some times even when you have a long term relationship.

[@gottabme]

Maybe she was projecting her feelings about herself, onto you?

[@hollywood5703]

I have a pushy cat who demands with not many boundaries

[@shaniecegullison]

😂😂😂same❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

Wonder if Lisa could model for us, assured, calm, assertive boundaries - using Terri’s examples. Learning here…

[@sandram6913]

Great episode... True abusive types are not abiding so "appropriately". But for most it's a nice boundary setting scale.

[@itzakpoelzig330]

It's a good test to find out who the abusers are. If you meet a new person and they're charming and clever, etc., but they get whiffy when you erect a boundary? Well, now you know - go no further with that one.

[@7777bren]

Lisa: You navigate the topics and ask such appropriate questions to clarify ...You do an EXCELLENT job and are so genuine! Fantastic!

[@Vicki-bd2pv]

You are very wise and strong like me, and I really enjoy your honesty. I have been through years of various abuses also, and I see those red flags straight up now. I also am respected within my community for my truth and inner strength, and i intend on using my life to help other women build their self-worth also xxxx I LOVE your work 🙂

[@mphomokhahle4971]

You guys are doing good this is the kind of positive I need in my life

[@CynthiaMidori]

Thanks Lisa!! This conversation will be really helpful for a lot of woman!! 🙏🏻💕 Thanks for being a key player on woman’s mental and physical health!! You are a Queen 👑 💐❤

[@myhomeismycanvas.3902]

This woman is so attractive. Her appearance and her knowledge makes her attractive 🎉

[@lisabrightly]

I'm going to watch this a bunch of times. I love this lady's energy and wisdom.

[@ushap7775]

Thank you for talking about all the red flags.

[@gigibelle7465]

wow - her eyes are mesmerising

[@marydietterich5968]

Your choice… walk away Offer counseling to help.. then you will find out whom really wants to make things better lol Usually they will not take any responsibility for their actions at the cost of no relationship Truth sets you free.. difficult and painful at first, but changes the relationship dynamics to victimhood to confident empowerment

[@miamianz]

As a man I finally learned how to do add a deal with this. I can't believe It took me this long, but I'm so happy now. How no longer a people pleaser? Worried about if everyone else is comfortable at the cost of my peace of mind. I had to do with a narcissistic female co-worker who was always setting traps and accusing me of harassing her, but it was always her using my weaknesses, throwing them at me. I confided in her told her all my childhood traumas. And she used those traumas against me and while it broke me down for a little bit. I realized this person was toxic and just broken. 3 attempts to help her break through and get over it just as a fellow human being. And I kept being seen as an enemy until I created boundaries. Once I created boundaries, the poop hit the fan and it was full on a war mode with me. I would always bring it up 2. Supervisors, and they just said turned the other cheek Don't worry about it, It was literally making me sick to the point where I went to the e. R for heart trouble. After 9 years, this person got moved to another location and I finally at peace. As traumatic as this was, it was A. Required lesson to show me. I'd better take care of myself and evolve in dealing and recognizing these patterns of behavior. Especially as a male where we live in a patriarchatial society that expects you to just brush it off, I urge every male and female. That's going through this. Set boundaries on day one and go from there. If they respect those boundaries, then you know you're working with someone that is willing to see your point of view. If they do not stay far away from them, they will take you down with them.

[@Mimi-up5ro]

There are times when no matter what you say or do, they just don't change their behaviors because they do not see any wrong in what they are saying or doing. I'm not going to enable it, but I am also not going to parent. I've encountered many narcissistic people in my life I know how they operate.🤷🏻‍♀️ PS: Some people aren't necessarily narcissistic individually, but when they are around one they portray their exact traits, and if they do it consistently I think it's as good as being one themselves. A lack of critical thinking.

[@marisolp001]

I wish I’d heard this two years ago, but it’s never too late and I’m thankful because I’ve learned the lesson well. Thank you for your work 🙏

[@kimseive]

I am so happy I escaped some situations I did. This will help me. There is a man trying to pursue me now and giving red flags. He knows where I live because I met him through a friend. I need him to stop calling me everyday. He's doing too much

[@kathrynharris3636]

Boundaries Boss I love Terri Cole Her book was awesome

[@RachelWilliams-qq3bd]

This feels so powerful, I realise I have had poor boundries till now. Thank you both

[@zoom33333]

I allow people to have their opinions whether I agree or disagree. People will be who they are and there is nothing you can do to change it. The only way you can change it, is to stay away from them. People should not feel guilty about staying away from a toxic family member or friend. They will bring you down. As far as boundaries go? Boundaries are basically, in a word, "respect!" Respect sometimes has to be taught. But if someone doesn't learn the lesson, give them an "F" 🖕and move on. Don't give them a D or a C- and keep toleranting it, especially from a spouse.

[@user-li2vl4yd1x]

What a lady. Great conversation, both of you!!!! Awesome hints and insights. Thanks both for this, ladies. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@terri_cole]

So glad you enjoyed it ❤

[@GD-cr5um]

I love Terri. Shes such a hero in my life❤

[@observingsystem]

Another awesome talk, thank you for this! ❤

[@j.s.fanpage5307]

Exactly what I needed today to get me through the day

[@terri_cole]

❤

[@user-wd5qw2sr4d]

Sexual boundaries. Everyone has different sexual drive and appetites. It's important to know what your potential spouse's drive is before you commit. Because if they're just doing it because you want to, when they get more comfortable they will revert to their natural drive. That leads to misery.

[@jacintamcpadden7258]

I’m still here and it’s a HARD NO ❤ love it

[@debrabrown9120]

Beautifully spoken.

[@altspecs342]

Great work, Jill. Thank you.

[@donnajeffreys8252]

Great Tips !!

[@terriwhalen3618]

Excellent video thanks!

[@kathymaslowskibrightflower9638]

This is super helpful, thankyou 🙏🏼 ❤

[@Adelaide_Mackenzie]

Loving this conversation Love from London 🇬🇧

[@audreybuchman1972]

U HAVE 💖 OPENED SO MUCH, FOR SO MANY OF US, BY EXPLAINING SO INDEPTH❤

[@marshareed1438]

Boundaries have to be established before marriage. My ex husband set his boundary on sex after we got married. He said, “that’s you not me”. He wanted sex but he didn’t want me to have sex when I was horney. That was about 10 times a year. If I tried to seduce him he would slap my hand. Some people’s boundaries are emotionally abusive! 30 yrs of his boundary bullshit!

[@evka24]

That’s abusive ..he had sadistic streak

[@girlbrittneygirl]

He never gave a damn about pleasing you in bed. He always wanted you to fulfill his needs in bed. The majority of males have intercourse with women for their own pleasure , not to give a woman a gasm.

[@cherylnathanodette]

A great episode, some great tips tongue in cheek works so well.

[@nellie...]

Great interview

[@BM-7888]

Terri Cole “Brilliant!”

[@seugnet.viljoen]

wow, this lady is so wise, and on point…

[@elizabethzydowski6703]

This is Really Awesome ❤

[@elisangelariscali7642]

I loved it... incredible ❤❤❤

[@cliffordbeverly3551]

Fantastic advice🏆

[@FlatStella1]

soooo true!!!!

[@Lifes1BeautifulRide]

Thank you to the both of you incredibly intelligent awesome women for this great conversation.

[@belindaeylesdivineskybridg6160]

Thank you so much. Ladies, I really appreciated this. Yeah thank you so much🪃🏆🌻🖤💛❤️

[@terri_cole]

❤❤

[@Shangai-uv9fc]

If anyone crosses my boundaries, they will f***ing regret it!!!