Your partner telling you they felt betrayed by your trans identity?

[@alannaofrann6767]

When I began to transition the first person I told was my wife of 21 years. At first she was supportive saying "We need to find a doctor for you!" I think her thoughts were that with therapy I would 'get past' my difficulties. When she saw that I was starting hormones (with my docyor's help) she became angry and said "You've RUINED my life!" Now years later, I am passing as a woman and she said she wants me to come and work WITH her at a women' clothing store! I believe I am now truly getting accepted.

[@Kira-zm7vy]

Thata great news. If my marriage doesn't survive this I at least want to be accepted and friends with her still. We have kids together so nothing will change the fact that we are both parents to those children

[@dinahnicest6525]

I have always wanted to be a girl, but I have also always wanted to have a normal life with a wife and kids. I'm attracted to women, so being one can make it difficult to find one. 22 years ago I found a wife, so I purged all my girl things and went full time male. That lasted a few years, but the woman in me had to come out. I still haven't told my wife, though I'm sure she knows. My hair is long, my nails are polished, my legs are shaved; all my clothes are women's (I neither hide my skirts nor show them)., I wear perfume, etc. I have always interpreted her silence to mean tolerance but not acceptance. I know I have to tell her but I'm scared to death of what might happen. I can't change, but I don't want to hurt her.

[@weilaiyvn_DEACTIVATED]

I'm so sorry for your situation. I understand you so badly... I hope that the best scenario happen 🙏

[@Kira-zm7vy]

I've gone through cycles of repression and denial for decades. Just told my wife a few months ago. Don't know how it will turn out but I feel so much better now that it's out to her at least. I am starting small with going more feminine. I am now growing my hair long and have maintained a clean shaven face for the first time since I've known her. Underdress as much as possible. And have changed all of my scents to be for feminine. No more musky deodorants for me! I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to hurt your wife and being scared. I'd been sitting on this for years. Not knowing how to bring it up. Then one day I got home from work and decided to just pull her aside and tell her I'd been crossdressing since I was a child. Not sure how I hid it from her for so long but she says she had suspicions. Then a week later I dropped the bomb and told her that I think I may be transgender. Try to find the courage to tell your wife. You both deserve to have the truth out. Then hopefully you can rebuild from there. That's my hope with my wife at least.

[@dinahnicest6525]

@@weilaiyvn_DEACTIVATED Thanks.

[@mythornshaveroses6472]

I was lucky enough to figure out that my ex didn't like me, for who I was, long before I figured out who I am. I am very happily divorced. No regrets about that either. I hated being screamed at all the time. Her control issues were the real betrayal of what I loved about her. I fully believe that if I came out and told her, she would find some narcissistic way of making it all about her anyways. Some people just won't support us, no matter how we identify. Don't wait for anyone to accept you. Accept yourself and be proud of who you are.

[@weilaiyvn_DEACTIVATED]

Oh, this makes me remember when I discovered myself. It waz with another trans person, and oh my god they was so transphobic, manipulative and narcissistic. That was one of my most horrible relationships. Never thought that a fellow trans was be that transphobic. I hope you are done well after all this 🙏🙇‍♀️

[@Kira-zm7vy]

That is an excellent message! For the first time in my life I'm beginning to accept and love myself. Without that how can I possibly love or even connect with anyone else?

[@wandringgenderhuman4064]

Unfortunately Dr Z you're right, the feeling of betrayal happens frequently with partners of Transgender/Gender Diverse people. The matter can create challenges unique to each situation and the parties involved. Speaking from past experience. I was involved with a partner many years ago and even engaged. MY partner at that time had known about my gender diverse identity even before we started becoming romantically involved. Our challenge was that as young Adults without support neither of us really knew what that meant, and my identity hadn't really matured yet. Eventually it did, and my identity started to clash with that of my partner, eventually leading to its breakdown. I will qualify this though, this occurred many years back, well before support was widely available and I wonder how things would turn out now. There is support and Transgender/gender Diverse identities are more widely accepted, especially in the younger generations, so there is hope this problem will decrease over time.

[@Kira-zm7vy]

I think my wife is going through the phases of grief. Not sure where she's at now. She doesn't really want to talk about it. She's told me that she doesn't know what she will do if I do this. Said that if she wanted a wife she would have married a woman. Whatever she chooses I respect her decision because if the tables were turned I don't think I could stay. We've been together for 13 years and married for 7. She hasn't used the words betrayed yet but she has to feel that way. How could she not? I'm just waiting for that reality check moment. I'm going to guess it'll come when I start electrolysis because that will be me first major milestone towards transition

[@weilaiyvn_DEACTIVATED]

My girlfriend is also a transwoman, she's bissexual, however has an male preference. Not gonna lie too, I'm a little insecure about it. She had said to me that she already had an girlfriend before. But even if nothing happens with us, we ever had feared her parents because they, despite everything, seems to wanna a straight couple for her (we're not sure yet 😥). She is hospitalized for some reasons, today complete 55 days of 90 since she was there, and I'm anxious to her return good and to we see how everything is going to be. She meet me as a woman, we was in a relationship when I've gived up a moths ago on transitioning, after my name change process had some issues. She supports me, but for she always had majority man as couple, I'm quite afraid that in the future she could end everything because it. To not be that catastrophic, I try to think that anything of this happened yet and there's ground to walk. I try to think that despite anything, I have her supporting me doing this, because alone I hadn't the capability enough to go that far (she had inspired me in one month to come out to my mom and also try to change my name! During 2 years I never could do it and had even gived up, but in 1 month she bring me back so confident). I'm trying to focusing in being grateful for all support, for her being this angel.

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear that Kira. If you haven't already, the 7 video painter series I did may be a good idea for both of you to watch.

[@Kira-zm7vy]

@@DRZPHD Yes. I have watched them. I've been trying to get her to watch them with me. She just needs time. I think she will come around.

[@weilaiyvn_DEACTIVATED]

I understand betrayal as going against someone confidence, breaking someone confidence in ourselves, in somekind of agreement (explicit or implicit agreement). A lie can be something that goes more or less against someone confidence in ourselves. So if we never had the explicit conclusion that we are trans, so we aren't lying, and so there isn't a betrayal. The other can feel like we had lie, and so feeling betrayed. In some cases this can be real (a lie / betrayal), but I think the case need to be discuss singularly and of course taking the partner into account in this. I agree with you so much doctor, but sometimes is hard to not try hide ourselves to not lose somekind of opportunities (specially before finishing transition). I always say that I'm woman, and if my affective dependency makes me to neglected myself to be something for the other person, she'll be well aware about everything since the beginning and held part of the responsability for agree to stay or had asked me that. I hope I never neglected myself again 🙏

[@Kira-zm7vy]

I think the sense of betrayal can come from the fact that many of us have felt this or known about it for much of our lives. Maybe they can feel used since some of us try to live normal lives as the gender we were assigned only to discover that in fact we are not the gender we tried to be for so long. This can even be seen in the types or work some of us choose to do. For instance, most of my jobs have been very male oriented and labor intensive jobs. just so I could say to myself "look how manly I am working at this company building railroad tracks. Or at this company doing oilfield work." I thought that maybe if I had a wife and kids that this would go away or I could at least keep it at bay. NOPE! Whatever lid I was keeping on this burst off and there no putting it back. I'm not stopping and I can't change who I am deep down inside.

[@weilaiyvn_DEACTIVATED]

@@Kira-zm7vy interesting, I was impelled to try to proof myself manly too. I think all my ex noticed something wrong in me that even I didn't noticed. I don't know, what I know is that like you I can't hold it anymore. I'm cheering for you!

[@Kira-zm7vy]

@@weilaiyvn_DEACTIVATED And I for you. 😃

[@Kelly-mi1yz]

Do they feel betrayed because you presented as a natural born female? Because I’m sure that’s what ur not telling us.

[@lukenaught6384]

Fucking clapped

[@RosheenQuynh]

Wut

[@tremereowen]

It is not betrayal if you were unconcious when you commited to your partner or if you knew and told from the begining

[@tremereowen]

@Jane Christensen also true. I did try that, but the dysphoria and all urges that come from it came back as soon as the dopamine levels started to decrease, so if I ever try to couple again, I will tell the other person beforehand. My experience.

[@almightynugget3843]

Do you know The Incredibles?

[@Kira-zm7vy]

I think so. Thought I heard something about no capes in one of her videos 😆

[@DRZPHD]

Yes I do and that I look just like Edna :)