Sex Fixes Everything, right? Mended Light

[@briana00grace]

“Fixing the relationship tends to fix the sex” YES!! Thank you for saying this!!!

[@MendedLight]

It is so much easier to connect with your partner in an intimate sexual way once you have connected at a heart level and both people feel emotionally safe and cared for.

[@Jays_Highway]

I think it's not very balanced. I think often it's much more work for the man to get such little reward. If men want sex cuz they need it... and woman want emotional security cuz they need it... then that is a really big difference in each task in terms of energy. It takes far more energy to please a woman than it does for a woman to please a man. That's why so many men give up on trying to meet their needs. It's not balanced. The energy/reward is not worth it. Sure... some woman are easier than other woman so in some cases it may be more worth it... but with a difficult woman... good luck. lol

[@ControversialChristian]

​@@MendedLightI tooka human sexual behavior class as part of a psychology degree when my children were young. Once every two weeks I would bring one of my children (I had 3) to my classes for a day. Before I would do it I got it approved by each of the professors ahead of time. I wanted them to see what I do when I'm not with them snd include them in my day. One such week I has only the psychology class and a science and religion class so I took my son to a lecture on "prolife". The teacher was glad to have him there as she felt it would temper the lecturer's graphic content. At the end she asked if there were questions and my son had a question for her, which we agreed he could ask b4 she left. So as people filtered out he went up to the model of the fetus in the womb and pointing to the cervix asked if thatcwas the agina (he couldn't pronounce the v her response was to look at me like I had 2 heads suddenly. So I told him no that that was the cervix. I thought the lady was going to pass out. I looked at her and said I was prochoice and that you can't make good decisions when you have no information. Sex is important in our lives but it's more than the physical act of creating babies. All of my children knew that by 7 because thy were told about their bodies with dignity as opposed to shame. As parents we were affectionate to one another and believed in the idea if you asked a question you deserved an answer geared to your ability to understand. I think when people hide life things (not just sex) they rob kids of the ability to understand and our job is to teach them to navigate life.

[@TeishaPriest]

Craziest relationship advice was from a book so highly recommended, we got multiple copies of it as wedding gifts. About the time we get to chapters claiming that men “need” a wife who’s attractive enough, and women “need” a husband who makes enough money, we decided that it was not the book to be taking advice from!

[@MendedLight]

Fair enough! Just because something is in print doesn't make it solid advice! Glad you listened to your internal radar on this!

[@MayBlake_Channel]

Yeah, people who make definitive generalized statements aren't usually the people I trust to give the best advice... Especially in a medium such as a book where there is endless space and time with which to add nuance

[@cssruth]

@@MendedLight I went to a pre marriage conference that separated the men form the women and while the men were being taught how to do sexual foreplay to help "warm up the car" that apparently woman are, the women were being told to just "lay there and take it" even if you aren't in the mood because "men need it"

[@thes0mething]

@@cssruth that's terrible :(

[@nothingnowhere2358]

@@cssruth My god that's awful

[@heatheravello4053]

I hated it when my ex husband used to say I was punishing him by withholding sex but i couldn't make him understand that when he was horribly critical, neglectful, and left me to do everything with the kids and household, I didn't have any desire to be intimate. It wasn't punishment, it was me functioning on an empty tank. I didn't have the energy or wish to connect, and shut him down out of pure self-preservation.

[@AB-sm1qf]

This is surprisingly common in many partnerships. And sadly a lot of men refuse to do their part in how they’re contributing to it. They see that they’re a man, have a penis, have a wife and are doing the bare minimum of making money to keep up with their utilities and think, “yeah, I’m doing enough”. But then expect everything and the moon from their feminine partners and think that’s just how we’re programmed and we’re just supposed to give it just because. This sucks. This sadly needs his participation in order to change. If he’s unwilling this will only lead to you finding ways of yeeting yourself out of the relationship and the sad thing is, they’ll blame you for it.

[@tinaperez7393]

@@AB-sm1qf people like this are children not mature adults. Childish, immature, spoiled, arrested development children / boys, not men.

[@celianunn2070]

Im going through this right now! We have three daughters under 5. He works from home. I used to work and its the same as when i was working. Ive been getting 2 hr of sleep at the most (youngest is 4 months) then i have to clean the majority of the house and (try) get the kids prepared for the day. I barely have time to eat or take care of myself. And its been a while since we have had sex. While sometimes he does just hug me but he CONSTANTLY physically/ sexually teases me even when im in the middle of doing something. We have tried to talk about it and he tells me that “well i have a high sex drive and i need to do something. If you dont ill get it somewhere else (toys and erps)” Sometimes when he starts in on teasing me and i tell him no he WHINES “but im boooored” and my rebuttal is always “well if your sooo bored, why dont you take care of the kids for a bit?” Everytime i say that he disappears.

[@vivaeuropa]

@@celianunn2070 Are things getting better? I'm a young guy and never been in a relationship as I've always focused on my career but this kind of stuff makes me never want a relationship lol. I'm like a lot of women I also need an emotional connection before I can think of romance so I can imagine a lack of help in the home and verbal intimacy can make it to where you are too emotionally detached to even think about being physically intimate.

[@lbatemon1158]

@@celianunn2070 I am so sorry you have a partner that isn't helping with the kids! Kids can be such a stressor on a relationship, especially when one partner starts willfully ignorant about everything that entails. Please, see if he'd be open to counseling. Or send him this video and say, "tonight, after WE get the kids to bed, let's watch this together and talk about it". Open communication is so important!!

[@aubreycarter7624]

I have found in my marriage that great communication not only solves problems, but can also lead to great sex. My husband and I were both celibate before getting married and for the first couple of months of our marriage was a huge sexual learning curve for both of us. We would talk after sex and tell each other what specific things we liked and disliked, what was enjoyable and what was uncomfortable or painful. It took a little while, but our sex got much better because we talked to each other very candidly about sex. Sex is often treated as a taboo or awkward topic, but it's only taboo or awkward if you make it so.

[@voyance4elle]

that*s great advive :)

[@michaelcherokee8906]

So like, yeah, outside of a partnership, there's good reason why it's a taboo subject. I dont think it would be appropriate to give details about marital intimacy to anyone other than that partner. But then of course, there's no reason not to speak completely freely with said partner about it. I think a good rule to go by is that if you arent willing to talk to someone about an activity, dont DO that activity with them. Are there actually couples who dont talk about the sex they have?

[@tanadarko6991]

I really appreciate the candid conversation with you two. :) My very first boyfriend badgered me for sex CONSTANTLY. He'd guilt me, he'd pester me, he humiliated me by getting our mutual coworkers to guilt/pester me and eventually he'd wear me down and I'd sleep with him to shut him up. I loved him and I felt like I was failing him every MINUTE I wasn't putting out. But that guilt and love eventually turned into resentment and rage. When I dumped him I felt nothing. He sobbed, and was shocked, and tried to tell me he loved me but I came to hate him. I felt used, I felt value-less, I felt like a damaged failure, and he amplified those feelings so that, well, he could feel "like a man." You know what's not sexy? Being harassed, coerced, and punished for not having sex. That's not consent. That's not okay. I was with him for over 2 years and I look back on that relationship as abusive even though I doubt he felt that way at all. I'm sure he'd be surprised if some day he reached out and asked me how I remember that relationship. But it was hurtful and damaging from this supposed "nice guy" who loved me.

[@MendedLight]

That is digusting behavior from him, and I am sorry that you had to go through that. I think it sounds like you have learnt a lot, and grown a lot, and you know your value and what is acceptable and what is not, in a relationship! Often very caring people can be manipulated into thinking that they are the ones not 'giving' in the relationship. Where it is just the other person is behaving terribly, and they are self-focused and manipulative. It is better to be single and thriving than in a relationship like that!

[@DaniChapman]

I get that whole heartedly and good for you for seeing that it wasn't healthy. Not that he's a bad person but "Nice guys" or "good and bad people" don't really exist. We're all just people who chose to do things that are considered good or bad, but nice guys can be cruel too especially if they don't see that they're capable of doing bad things. This isn't gender specific.

[@yanapetiet4581]

i had almost exactly the same. good for us that were out for it :) good luck in the future.

[@alexiayearty8105]

Thats the overall problem with 'nice guys'. Im so sorry you went through that, but im also so so glad you came out the other end and healed.

[@thes0mething]

I had almost exactly this experience! I'm so glad you got out of it and realised your worth! He was my first boyfriend and I moved really far to be with him and because I was a student I couldn't afford to leave. He treated me absolutely fantastically to start with so I thought it would be fine. As soon as I moved in and started my uni course he changed. If I didn't feel like sleeping with him he'd literally just roll over and refuse to talk to me. Sometimes I would say nothing in fear that he would get angry so he'd end up just having sex with my still body. It reached a point when sex actually started to be really painful for me. When I was in pain he'd get annoyed at me. A few times I started crying and he got angry because my silent crying was shaking the bed and preventing him from falling asleep. I saw a doctor to help solve the pain issue and they must have realised what I was going through because she flat out said I needed to leave him. I couldn't help but feel like it was my fault he was angry with me. In hindsight I have no idea why I still loved him. Just like you I reached a point where I had had enough. I spoke with my family and we planned my finances in a way that I could afford to live on my own in student housing. This is probably going to sound cruel but when I broke up with him he was sobbing and trying to tell me how he'd change and how he loved me, and I felt nothing but extreme joy. I felt like I'd taken my power back. The day I left he stood by the door and my taxi was waiting with my things to take me to my student flat. He said "I guess this is the last time I'll see you" with tears in his eyes and ready to hug me and I said "Yeah" and just turned around. I had decided I would never let him touch me again. I will never let someone pressure me into anything I don't want to do again. I'd rather be on my own. It's been 7 years since we broke up but this stuff stays with you. Thankfully I've been in much better relationships since.

[@sharonsomers5342]

"He's abusing you, leave." Wasn't told to me, it was told to a friend who has a very healthy BDSM marriage. Their negotiated consent was over 100 pages long. She went to a therapist because she lost her father and was having trouble with grief. Just the grief. And the therapist got upset with a mild rope burn she had and told her that he was abusing her. Had no concept of healthy BDSM and refused to acknowledge that sometimes what works for a couple doesn't work for others. That was 15 years ago and they are still together, still in love, and still have a sex life that would shock most people.

[@voyance4elle]

Oh man... :O

[@themanwithaplan5425]

that sucks, I hope she is doing better!

[@sarahlandis289]

If they both consented to that kind of sex life then I don't see the problem and that therapist should have addressed what they came in for. I wish I had that kind of sex life. I have a fantastic relationship but have had pain/discomfort during sex ever since my first time 2 years ago. We've done lots of research and asked for advice from friends and I went to therapy for sexual trauma in my childhood and my husband has done everything he could think of, everything I asked for and has been so so patient with this whole thing. I'm honestly feeling so discouraged and part of me wants to give up. I don't know if the discomfort is related to my being autistic and hypersensitivity, and I got a basic checkup where they didn't see anything wrong on basic inspection. I at this point would be overjoyed just to have sex that wasn't uncomfortable, forget trying to orgasm. Also sorry if I am oversharing. I haven't been able to talk about this with many people.

[@michaelcherokee8906]

Alright, not only did they write down a consent contract, but, mindblowingly, it was over 100 pages long?! Thas crazy bro.

[@Vegan007]

If someone is grumpy or hostile unless you are sexually available... That is extremely manipulative. It leads one partner to have sex when they don't want to avoid the "punishment".

[@mandlerparr1]

@@Mordecai0 I don't think this happens as much as people like to make out that it does. People tend to view it as "I helped out, I was nice, so I got sex" when for the most part it is usually, "this person is mean to me and sits around while I take care of everything and now I am tired and don't feel like having sex"

[@dannylovell7876]

For somebody whose love language is physical touch, and intimacy doesn't happen, why would them being grumpy be manipulative? We don't accuse people who feel sad when they never hear "I love you" (words of affirmation) or stressed/angry when their spouse doesn't help around with chores (acts of service) of being manipulative, but it's the EXACT same feeling of not being cared for.

[@sheen621]

​@@dannylovell7876 I think the person means grumpy in a more intimidating manner like they literally get hostile when you refuse to not engage in a sexual encounter making their partner feel like they're left with no choice but to give in

[@melkerner]

But - After years of rejection you tend to become grumpy. Withholding of physical affection from the person you say you love, and YOU still feel entitled to emotional support, words of affirmation, acts of service and everything else - why is sex so discarded as not "needed"? If he doesn't tell you he loves you for 8 years, you complain he doesn't love you and is an a-hole, but you don't kiss him or have sex for 8 years and "my body, my choice" - he needs to get over it. Makes your physical touch love language spouse feel like you are using them and don't care about their needs in relationship. The starved partner feels unloved, unwanted and not needed.

[@lydiabickham4262]

Two of the worst things that two different therapists have told me: “Just think of this trauma as a happy experience” and “You just have too much trauma in your life”.

[@MendedLight]

Wow, I can't believe they said that!

[@racquelescjose4432]

Wow, Refund

[@kristenness6034]

😱 wow. Terrible therapists!

[@rithvikmuthyalapati9754]

@@racquelescjose4432 And report

[@JennsCreativityCorner]

The "he doesn't help around the house so I'm not in the mood" resonated with me. Especially as someone whose main love language is acts of service. Then again, (and perhaps this is because there was manipulation in the relationship) when do you know how to find a comfortable place where it doesn't then feel like a "pay to play?" 'If I do the dishes and take out the trash, then I've checked that box and she'll sleep with me?' Because that doesn't feel much better, knowing or questioning the motivation behind the act.

[@MendedLight]

I think you hit the nail on the head with the love languages. It's less that 'he better do it or I'm not putting out', but more that he is filling your love tank by doing acts of service, which then leads you to have those loving sexual feelings for him. Try watching some of Jimmy Evans relationship videos on YT as well. He has great relationship advice!

[@celianunn2070]

My love language is acts of service too while my partner’s is gifts (i think) We have been trying to find a balance but its hard

[@nikoletahanakova8573]

@@celianunn2070 Hi, just an idea that may or may not work: If his language is gifts and yours acts of service maybe he could make "coupons" as a gift for you. Something along the lines of: "This coupon is for an hour of free time for you to relax, while your partner does a chore of your choice". Or "For getting the laundry done, text code LAUNDRY to: (enter your sposes phone number)". This way he gives youba gift and you get the acts you need. You can put there also things like running a buble bath, giving you a masage, anything you like :-)

[@franziskani]

But if help is important for you (so you can get into the mood, because you are not constantly working) and if he makes an EFFORT to meet your needs, you could shift your point of view that this is a good sign and reward him. Sure he is goal oriented and "only" does it in order to get sex. Men are like that. obviously he is not mindful enough to see the work that must be done, so even if he now started to see the light (helping you because it is fair w/o doing it in order to get more sex) - you would still doubt his motivations. Doing more in the household in order to get sex is O.K. If it works for him, he likely would continue to improve. If you cannot accept that he is a kinda flawed, kinda selfish male that would gladly let you do it all alone (or at least he was that in the past) then you would have to leave him right away. It is already established, that he was / is selfish and thoughtless. So in case he shows signs of change, I would encourage him and also check if you find it in yourself to connect with him via sex. That is more a decision and commitment it is not necessarily going to be motivated by passion. In a longterm relationship sex needs planning and for a lot of woman desire only comes AFTER arousal (a reaction of the body). Esther Perel talks about it. Oh, and there are studies: males that help around the house have more sex and are more satisfied. Helping with the chores is like foreplay for women.

[@kimchu82]

Worst advice we got from a couples counselor was "Sell your home and buy a new better one". And I was thinking to myself "We came here for relationship advice, not financial advice, which by the way, was horrible financial advice. What are you going to suggest next? That we should have a baby because that fixes everything?" (Context, we were having disagreements on how update the house. Selling and buying a new one doesn't give us the tools to come to agreements if we disagree on long term decisions.)

[@MendedLight]

Thank you for sharing this! Can I turn this terrible advice into a video?

[@VioletEmerald]

I super appreciate Jonathan just how careful you are to be inclusive constantly of us asexual people or people without a sex drive (also me) when you go into any conversation on either of your KZbin channels and not say universal statements that leave us out. It's so refreshing and true allyship and so rare to not be erased. You just phrase things slightly differently to acknowledge not every single person fits the same one mold. Thank you for that.

[@voyance4elle]

agreed :)

[@patmaurer8541]

I respect so much that Jonathan shares that his wife has a stronger drive than he does. Talk about being confident and secure in your relationship! It's a rare man who has the courage to tell the world the truth. And they so clearly love each other, they are living proof that being honest works! ❤

[@siristhesalamander4186]

Personally, I'm not in a sexual relationship. However, the way you address healthy sexuality is something I agree with and ought to be better understood by more people! Thanks for the video!

[@MendedLight]

Thank you for your kind message! We do love to promote healthy behaviors in relationships. If you feel that you know anyone who would benefit from hearing this video, or any others that we have made, we would appreciate it if you would be able to share our videos or our channel to them. Thank you!

[@theakaneko]

My "shit therapists say" moment was like my second and last appointment with my first therapist... "it's all in your head. You're not Really depressed, your self destructive behavior is just attention seeking, your family isn't Really abusive, you're just a teen." Come to find out later they were also seeing my mom at the same time. The depression and anxiety got worse, got in more abusive relationships (friend and romatic), went away for higher education, and began the long difficult healing process that included luckily finding a few therapists I could trust. I married my best friend, who makes me feel safe and supported no matter what, and we have 3 great kids who can be helped by our willingness to believe and support them when things happen. And if they need help, we get them help. I still have bad days. I am an adult, and my depression and anxiety are still here. But I have tools, and time, and the truth that those things were untrue and wrong. And I can pass those tools on because I have them - my eldest is now in therapy getting help, which I didn't and couldn't at their age. They choose to learn more about their emotions and coping skills because I support them the way I wasn't supported. But that experience being my first therapist made me so wary about seeking help. And that is a shame, because it took a long time and some pretty severe circumstances to get to being able to go "yeah. This isn't normal and this isn't ok and I cant do this alone"

[@MendedLight]

So glad to hear you're on a healthier path now, and have a wonderful partner to love and support you in a safe environment.

[@ioannalab2361]

I have tried cognitive behavioural therapy and that helped me because i had a little depression. You should give it a try! It's fast and effective ❤️

[@SaryTheWolf]

"Sex will fix everything" Me, being ace, "No!"

[@amiecook4952]

I just found your Mended Light stuff and absolutely love it. I love the idea of "good enough sex" results in great sex more often than needing "great sex" every time. Some of my favorite moments with my husband are when we both have the giggles. The noises are funny, not being able to achieve a position is funny, the fact that we both have the same nursery rhyme stuck in our heads from watching Coco Melon all day is funny, and we just spend the whole experience laughing together. Maybe we don't end having accomplished anything, but we had fun trying.

[@bgb411]

I’m fairly new to this channel (I came from cinema therapy) but I love this! Can’t wait to see this one grow! This concept is perfect. So excited for more!

[@MendedLight]

Thank you! We are glad you love it! So glad you are here!

[@racquelescjose4432]

For some reason everything they do good and worth listening too so sure this plant will grow

[@teresitavelderrain7139]

Same here I loved the way you talk about things

[@winterbutterfly8861]

Same here

[@voyance4elle]

same :)

[@amberraedawntollenaar3513]

The confidence and trust that you two have that allows you to speak to an audience about marriage and sex life as a united force is incredible. I hope to get there someday

[@sarakins2003]

What a wonderful video! It is so hard to talk about sex, especially when things aren’t perfect. I approached my boyfriend today about some of our issues in the bedroom and was nervous about how it would go, but he was supportive and kind and open and we both feel a lot better now, like we can work on it as a team. I love your stance that sex doesn’t fix everything, because I was often given that advice in the past and the results were poor. It really damaged the way I viewed myself and my relationship because when it didn’t work I felt like even more of a failure. In my opinion, good communication can fix a relationship better than sex ever could!

[@MendedLight]

I am so glad that you were brave and had that conversation, and that he responded well by being so supportive! Now you will feel more safe to have these types of important conversations in the future. Yes, good communication can fix a relationship better than sex ever could!

[@KristinaL1698]

I just found this channel today, and am I ever glad I did! This was great! The worst thing I ever had a counselor say to me was, "I can't possibly do any harm; I"m the therapist." She then proceeded to push us into reading pornographic books "to help your sex life" when we'd gone in for grief counseling after the death of a child -- the sixth one we'd lost out of our seven children. That counseling relationship didn't last long. It took over 15 years for me to heal not only from the loss of that child (in addition to all the others), but from the experiences with that "counselor/therapist" as well.

[@TheLuckyPurse]

Thank you for talking about this! My parents refuse to talk anything about sex or even educate me about it except saying "Don't do it, and don't talk about it!"😅 All my knowledge about sex are literally from health class, porn, and books😅

[@MendedLight]

I am glad you found this helpful! If you have kids, you will be able to do things differently and teach them the important things they need to know.

[@franziskani]

it's been 2 years but the book by Emily Nagowsky Come as you are is said to be really good - for females and males.

[@josyakagwen]

This video was so important to me. I am a graysexual and my partner is not and still we have a great relationship, even though we're not perfectly meeting the other's sexual needs. Because we work onnthe relationship and then the intimacy part and then the sex. We have come to a point where sex is a rare thing but therefore a highly valued thing and every once in a while we talk about how we both feel about that. My first therapist said to me once i mentioned that in passing, that we should have more sex, even if i didn't have the urge to. Never been at her office again. Your video was so confirming for us/me. Thank you :)

[@musicismydelightblog]

I just came from the cinema therapy video of Gomez and Morticia and made me realize something important. I'm not married, I'm dating a wonderful person and what we talk about almost every week is how wonderful our sex life is besides the complications of everyday life (we live far from each other and don't have the opportunity to see eachother as frequently as we want) and listening to you guys I get it. We started as friends and now that we're together is like a friendship with a different kind of love and sexual experience. We managed to create a space of intimacy but besides the sexual part, our intimacy started with being open about what we wanted, desired, felt hurt about, etc. And with this information now I think I have the answer, because we respect eachother, love eachother, support eachother and are open to one another is that we light that part of the relationship. Like we built intimacy before desire, if that makes sense. Anyway this video was very helpful indeed, thank you for your work guys. And I'm sorry if my writing is weird, I'm not an English speaker, I'm still learning 😅

[@mizixy9624]

This really resonated with me and I’m planning on showing my partner. We may not be married but sex is a major point of contention in our relationship. Just today he was going on a rant and pretty much implied that with the upcoming tax season, what he did with his return would depend on how I changed or “proved” to him I deserve it. He makes more money than I do and knows what the plan with that money is supposed to be because I try and keep him involved with the finances. Reading the other commenters is bittersweet because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one experiencing this kind of behavior, but at the same time it’s horrible because no one should be subjected to it.

[@voyance4elle]

this sounds unhealthy and manipulative :O

[@franziskani]

He can use the extra money for therapy for both of you. His blackmailing sounds really bad. On the other hand it really hits males hard, they often only connect via sex and feel deeply unloved - and then try to secure sex with unfair means. That is not acceptable but maybe it does not mean he is a jerk.

[@bethbestline4487]

I used to have quite... physical relationships. Most of them were not healthy at all for several reasons. Now I've been in a very harmonic relationship for more than a year by now that basically doesn't even contain sex at all - for medical reasons. And despite there are some moments of frustration from time to time, my boyfriend and I have no choice but discussing every fight and conflict and affection and feeling until we're on the same page. We have very little physical bonding. And I have never EVER been so close to someone in my entire life. I am so, sooo thankful to have this man in my life. Because now I know that listening and sharing is more important than intercourse.

[@spacemanspiff01]

This vid needs to have WAY more views.

[@MendedLight]

Thank you. Feel free to share it :)

[@kelseycoca]

me and my partner joke "do you wanna have sex about it?" when we run into dumb small squabbles and we laugh, work it out, and then usually have sex lol

[@MendedLight]

I am SO stealing that.

[@kelseycoca]

@@MendedLight I'm glad you got a kick out of it! it usually works lol 💕

[@franziskani]

Gives an no meaning to Make-up sex

[@patmaurer8541]

Because I believe in abstinence outside of marriage (and total fidelity within it), dating in mid-life can be...awkward. 😀 There aren't many single men my age who share my beliefs. It's not easy. But it works for me. Because by the time we get around to having a conversation about it, we're both aware there's something there that we want to explore. If it's a deal-breaker for them, that's okay. They're still an interesting, smart, funny person--just not the one for me. And if we do end things, I may be disappointed, even miss them. What I don't feel is heartbroken or used or betrayed--because I haven't overshared myself in any way.

[@alexandrashvetsova9340]

Thank you for this video! It's really helping and educational. As for me, I just remember going to my first therapist ever, being depressed and all, basically, telling the same story about how I feel unloved by my husband and have 0 sex drive and all, and I got blamed by the therapist saying she was surprised my husband was still interested in me considering the way I looked (depressed and not taking much self care) and the way I felt. She directly told me I was lucky he still wanted to deal with me. Incredible :) and I had no clue it was not OK.

[@orcanerdc6204]

The most insane thing I was told was one needs to just pick a person and go with it, just pick someone and get married and have kids so you get on with your life and meet those goals. This was in response to a mutual friend who hadn't dated in a while because she hadn't met anyone that made her feel "that spark.". That made me very said for her and her own spouse. The friend is now happily married.

[@evj1326]

I have noticed that the only people that will tell you "you just need to settle" are the ones that have terrible relationships themselves. The ones in healthy relationships always say never settle, it isn't worth it

[@voyance4elle]

@@evj1326 so true!!

[@JayceeChax]

It must be so difficult to be vulnerable in such a public setting. But you're doing it to help thousands of people. Hats off to you both!

[@menosproblemos6993]

10:00 Allan! :D When you started answering you noticed that Elisha wasn't done talking, and you stopped! I think that's a pretty rare personal gem among people to have. I like it a lot

[@rowanhoyt6938]

due to past experiences I tend to have lower libido when I feel really emotionally close to someone. Sex is a fun thing to do with people I like, but for me just cuddling, enjoying each others' presence without pressure to talk or act, is so much more intimate.

[@natattacc99]

Towards the end of my previous relationship, my ex started saying we weren't sexually compatible...I thought "no, you're just not listening" but also this makes sense--no, we just have so many other issues we need to work on, and that's why the sex has been bad 😂

[@vietcoffeebeans660]

How do you deal with asking regret in terms of intimacy? Husband and I are a cishet couple and are the reverse of the stereotype. I generally have the higher libido. There were times when I felt my initiations were not reciprocated and we had an open and honest conversation about it. But as soon as he expressed that he would respond more, I suddenly felt bad. Whenever he gave his explanation for not engaging with me, I always immediately empathized and felt like I was being pushy. I suddenly didn’t want what I had asked for because I felt like the next time we had sex it wouldn’t be because my husband wanted to, it would be because he’s just trying not to disappoint me. How do you navigate expressing your needs without coming across as demanding or regretting asking in the first place?

[@rosekim3446]

Maybe use things like a vibrator that he can control? He can also touch you in tender ways. Involving him but not necessarily having him have the pressure of intercourse

[@burningshadows01]

When I was about 17yrs old I was sent to see a therapist because I was having a lot of migraines and thought I might be experiencing depression. (I was but I didn't realize it) but I was told by the therapist that all my problems stemmed from my weight and that if I hadn't been overweight I wouldn't feel down. Firstly I didn't even think I had depression but secondly everything about me was dismissed because of my weight so I stopped seeing that therapist. It took me many years and 4 more therapists that didn't work out before I met my current therapist who is wonderful and I am grateful to have.

[@LianaBuzea]

I see it like this too: there's more to relationships than sex. Just as there's more to sex than just doing it. 🙏

[@imyouralibi6208]

My sister and I have been reviewing a character from a TV series who tends to suppress communication in her relationships and is overall a very toxic person (but weirdly enough, she has a huge following of die-hard fans that makes me question my faith in humanity), and one thing my sister and I have said repeatedly is that *communication is key* to having good relationships 🙂

[@MendedLight]

Well, now I must know what character this is.

[@imyouralibi6208]

@@MendedLight The character is Ahsoka Tano from Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I'd always hoped that maybe someday you'd do a breakdown of why she's so awful over on your Cinema Therapy channel so that I could point to a professional whenever the Ahsoka fans come for my head, lol 😛

[@gabriellugarani6053]

You two are amazing. Can't thank enough for your content. Very enlighting.

[@MendedLight]

Thank you Gabriel! I am so glad that you like the content and find it helpful! We are glad to have you here, and love making the videos for you!

[@kyleigholmstead6792]

I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and honestly sex was kinda an issue at first. I had past relationships where I didn't feel cared about and it lead me to the idea that if someone wasn't sexually attracted to me or wanting sex a lot then that meant they didn't want to be with me anymore. My girlfriend just sees it as she can have sex and enjoy it but it's not necessary to be happy. We had to have a good few conversations about it before we got into a good system. She understands that sometimes I have more needs than her and I understand that sex isn't a backbone for our relationship and it's okay to not do stuff all of the time. Honestly though, it's a hard topic to bring up. Despite me being very open sexually I find it very difficult to talk about sex seriously, which I think is more so the issue many people now face.

[@adellhammel8849]

Growing up, as I did in an abusive household where I saw and learned all the things not to do, I'm surprised every time I watch one of your videos. But, surprised in a good way by realizing what a healthy relationship I have with my boyfriend. We had a really big fight last year and it hurt both of us a lot and we had to do some thinking. However, we never stopped communicating with each other and we both came to the conclusion that we wanted to work on things and stay together. After 2 weeks of not seeing each other in person but still talking, we finally got together and talked even more and made up. Then, after that, we made love and it was so extra special because of working things out beforehand. I don't know if it's just how I'm hardwired, but I know I wasn't taught how to handle relationship issues in any healthy way. I wish I had had your videos so long ago, and I'm glad you're making these videos and helping me and so many other people.

[@bunhelsingslegacy3549]

While growing up, I had a sibling with behavioural issues so family therapy was recommended and my take-away from those sessions was the psychiatrist was that it was all Mom's fault and that we all neeed to change to accommodate my sibling who didn't need to change anything as long as he took his meds. We seriously got more therapy as a family out of the kooshball fights in his waiting room.

[@SaryTheWolf]

As a person who had childhood behavioural issues, I can confirm that this approach is bull sh**. People do have to learn to accommodate those with difficulties but the person with the difficulties also has to put in work. Autism may be reason for missing half of ones classes, but it doesn't excuse it, nor does it excuse the teachers and other staff if they just label the child as "naughty" and not try to make it easier for them to stay in class. I still haven't quite gotten over high school...

[@sarahlandis289]

@@SaryTheWolf Yep, as a person with autism I can comfirm that both parties need to put in effort. My parents helped me figure out how to read social cues and figure out how to ask for my needs. Couldn't have happened if they hadn't done their research and actively tried to understand me. And I tried really hard to learn social cues because the constant peer rejection hurt a lot.

[@jlcollins14]

In Canada -Poutine fixes everything. I jest -it only works in "Things I said when I was Hangry" situations and after a bad hockey game when your team has lost! I find this discussion very interesting that folks (and therapists) think sex fixes everything but also that many folks recognize this was bad advice from their therapist. These are certainly discussions couples need to have and be utterly honest about. At the end of the day, in general, if someone doesn't feel loved and respected, they don't want to have sex with their spouse. So, if those are issues, couples have to fix those issues before anything else. Cheers! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[@MendedLight]

Well now you've made me hungry for poutine! 😀 Yes you are correct! Fix the issues first and the loving feelings, and love making, will follow.

[@jlcollins14]

@@MendedLight I'm always hungry for Poutine. Mouth says yes please, arteries say whoa lady, have some restraint. :D Cheers! Thanks again.

[@thehappygamer5020]

The night before my wedding. My mother pulled me aside before going to bed, and told me that in order for my husband to love him, I need to let him have sex with me, whenever he wanted. And then proceeded to pull out an anatomy book and flipped to the page of the male's gentiles and showed me what parts were the most sensitive and most pleasurable for men. After which she then told me all the positions that her and my step father do. It was horrifying.

[@n4l9bx]

XD omg that is a nightmare

[@VioletEmerald]

Yikes on so many levels.

[@Nitra813]

🤨 no way

[@michaelmerenda3158]

Thanks for sharing. I think just being open with each other and talking things out can go a long way.

[@alexanderhenby1362]

I also want to add, dont be afraid to talk to your general care doctor about issues in the bedroom too. Sometimes things like pain during sex, or sudden drops in libido are symptoms of larger problems. Its hard to want to have sex when its physically uncomfortable.

[@ryanr6656]

I'm so glad I found this video. You described me and my wife exactly. Now I know what I need to do.

[@nothingnowhere2358]

I've just been binge watching these videos and surprisingly absorbing a lot of the information, but I put that down to how the content and information is being presented, so huge well done to you Jono and Alicia!! You guys are killin it ❤️ But I just wanted to say, thank you for this channel and for posting these videos. I use them as a guide to lead a healthy life, in terms of relationships and all other facets of being. I really want to become a Marriage and Family Therapist and this just cements my desire to do so. Thank you!! I hope you guys do see this, just know that your content means the world to me and that you guys are an invaluable resource for thousands of people across the world. Isn't that crazy? Anyway, much love ❤️ A fan from across the pond in England ☺️

[@Em_Powell_KC]

This is amazing! I facilitate a peer ran betrayal group for women and wow! Of course sex addiction adds in a whole new wrench, but caring about your wife because she is your wife, not because she has the right body parts is key! Shared!

[@ashleysalahub5057]

When I was trying to find a therapist to talk to about my SA trauma and how it's keeping me from having a full sexual relationship with my husband. The therapist said "well, have you ever just thought of just being the good wife and having sex?". I stopped the session and never went back.

[@franziskani]

Was that a "faith-based" counselsor = the ideology comes before psychological training

[@olenadziarzhytski8612]

Just watching both of you interacting is healing. Thank you!

[@BeckaBoo1260]

My husband and I have struggled with sex our whole marriage, partly because of the things you mention in this video, and partly because I struggle with sexual trauma. I've been going to therapy for 2 years for the trauma, but it's still an issue. How can I help my husband feel loved and not rejected while still feeling safe while I heal?

[@theladyamalthea]

Check out the “Courage to Heal” workbook by Laura Davis! Your husband may find the companion book “Allies in Healing” helpful. ❤️

[@sunsetanimator4187]

Trauma is trauma, I’ve had my own sexual trauma when I was in grade 1, and my suggestion to you is… Cuddles, if he knows you’ve got that type of trauma, forcing himself/ manipulating u is the worst, always tell ‘em u love him if he’s good to u. However the fore mentioned problems u mentioned first, I reckon u gotta talk it out, communication is the healthiest choice, I don’t know your exact circumstances but if he’s an adult I’m sure he’s able to listen and discuss these matters with u.

[@sarahlandis289]

Sorry in advance if this question is too personal, but is sex also physically painful for you? I also have issues with sexual trauma but sex itself doesn't ever feel good to me so I don't feel motivated to try even when my libido is high. Trying to figure out why but getting discouraged after 2 years of not finding something that works

[@franziskani]

@@sarahlandis289 Sex is not only vaginal penetration. If that is not pleasant maybe you can find something else. It is really hard for men and women to accept that other stimulation that leads to climax is "real" sex. I think only 20 or 25 persent of women climax through vaginal penetration, so time to redefines things.

[@gaillewis5472]

"You don't respect my boundaries. " "Let's have sex." That's not going to fix anything.

[@Fauxrising2022]

Thank you for be so candid on this topic! It’s helped me make sense of my current problems. I’m frustrated my husband wants sex and neglects the relationship intimacy aspect. I’ve had no sex drive mainly from just being tired working all day and taking care of the kids and cleaning in the nights.

[@solidstehl9546]

Yes yaaaaaassssssss! Men can feel used as well ! Granted that is not the only take away from this most excellent video, but it is something I think needs further highlighting.

[@RainbowSunshineRain]

I started therapy because I wanted to break up with my boyfriend but kept going back because he was just insisting. So I was searching for encouragement to leave. The therapist said I should stay more, until I learn my lessons because otherwise I will get the same type of boyfriend in the future.

[@StarrClaws]

You guys are so wholesome. Thank you for everything you do.

[@ProfessionalBirdWatcher]

Thanks internet Mom and Dad, very helpful wisdom

[@souledout08]

My grandma ate up everything the old housewife magazines used to say - you, your kids, and your house must ALWAYS be in perfect order, or your husband will cheat/leave you. She did what she could to force those ideas into her daughters' brains as gospel truth. By the time it came to me, I grew up with that alongside the 90's/00's "Purity Culture" of evangelicalism. Dress/think/talk right and abstain or no decent man will want you. It's been rough trying to work past that all because I was so overprotected/sheltered when I was younger. I've not done anything physically with anyone, but my opinions are more lax than they started as...

[@DontFluffTheFairies]

The way Alicia looks at Jonathan is precious

[@Marzkep]

On a reverse note of sorts: my husband and I (married 15 years) are working on communication and self-awareness. Our sex life is good and we use the intimacy to open ourselves up to the harder conversations. We trust each other in the bedroom and have an honest desire to create a deeper relationship outside of it so we’re a bit of a cart before the horse couple 😂

[@heathers2581]

Getting slightly personal here, I have had times where I burst into tears after receiving sufficient sexual affection just bc other things in life were getting really overwhelming and feeling so thoroughly loved just made me sort of both happy cry for the relief of release and get out all the bad emotions that had built up. It was quite awkward and hilarious and made for a funny but tender, sweet moment.

[@voyance4elle]

I think it's beautiful and normal to cry after sex from time to time :) It's an intense feeling of release and can be very emotiona,

[@maywenearedhel]

I was told by my school counselor that my ADHD wasn't real, and that I could help being forgetful and awkward if I just tried harder. Basically, she thought that kids with ADHD were just looking for attention. I nearly didn't pass 7th grade because of her and her influence on my teachers.

[@sarahlandis289]

I had a teacher like that for my first grade! Although she didn't think me being autistic was fake, but she point blank refused to try to communicate with me in ways that I understood even after my parents offered her so many solutions. My mom was the only reason I made it through that year. I still to this day get very upset when people accuse me of something I know I didn't do. I remember she(my first grade teacher) forced me to call my mom and tell her I ate an extra brownie(it was my birthday and I had brought in brownies for the class) when I was just trying to eat over the container so I didn't get crumbs on the desk. I was so upset that she bullied me into lying to my mom on the phone. I think I might still be a little mad about it, to be honest.

[@KxNOxUTA]

Jonathan, Jonathan, how loved you are! Alicia's eyes are all on you and they speak volumes! (And ofcourse, whenever you listen to her attentively, I smile brightly, because it's equally adorable) Thank you so much for talking about this. Especially the parts of how communication and relationship are the keys to everything that the relationship results in (sex, kids, couple fun, matters of financial kind, even business and so on). I love how you talk about the "sender" and "receiver" aspects of cummunication. That both are accountable to how they put things and how they receive and react to things in communication. I love how the both of you address the dynamics that often appear and deal damage to relationships or even the whole aspect of sexuality. Every time I think how incredibly much damage of the suppression of feminine aspects of life (in people of all and no gender) deal to our societies, I'm aching. My heart aches. We pay with so many things for it, even in these modern times. We pay with the losses of emotionally matured men and assertive and (sexually, amongst others) freed women. And with the many losses couples and their kids pay by communication not functioning, as our relationship models are often slanted from the very start. It's not good news that healthy relationships and sexuality are hard to find in media as the central focus! Healthy including the healthy conflicts and issues going on. I catch myself so icredibly happy and grateful whenever I see a good example and then I'm sad, because you'd hope for it to be the norm, not the other way round. At least we are now talking moe about it all and strengthen the parts of us and our communities that dont do us any favours, even if they appear to be beneficiial at the first glance (but don't even withstand the second). I didn't get to have therapy yet, but I sure did hear many people talk about their bad experiences (till they eventually found the right person). But yeah amongst them there's that thing where several people got told one way or another that they have no problem or don't need therapy even though everything about them was screaming "problem". So basically a premature one session based judgement that then discouraged them from going again. And that after formal procedures already taking everything out of them just to get (themselves into) that first session.

[@MendedLight]

Hi Kat, thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad you found something helpful in this video. It's true that finding a therapist can be a scary step to take, but try not to let the fear of it get in the way of finding healing. I offer a free 15 minute personal call, which you're welcome to book if you'd like to take the first step in reaching out. The link is here: go.oncehub.com/JonathanDecker Wishing you all the best

[@fayreVT]

@@MendedLight I just came over from CT, so maybe you have- but if you haven't yet, maybe a video just on how to determine in one visit (or less) if a therapist is likely a solid, sound choice would be helpful. So many people don't have a good radar on that (or have learned to ignore it) and/or don't have the money/insurance to waste on bad therapy sessions. Just a thought. Also, this video was great, thanks!

[@mrsschlauchen3572]

One therapist told me that if I can’t find happiness or enjoyment in other things than taking care of my mom I should just stick with that. After I told him I want to find happiness in other things. 15:59

[@SarahJohnson-vr9vh]

This is my first time on this channel and I could tell you two have a love connection just by the way she looks at you. So sweet. Then you mentioned the kids and I was like ah that explains the look

[@lava3218]

Raised very traditional, wait until marriage, and I agree with that. Here's my stance, sex will not fix everything. If a couple is having an argument, and they mutually decide that they are going to head to the bedroom, have some fun, then talk about it after they calm down, I think that's okay. But you shouldn't expect sex to miraculously fix your communication issues, or the fact that you skipped date night, 57 date nights in a row, or if one person is always being condescending or yelling. Those will all have to be addressed at the dining room table, or on the bed with cloths on, having a rational adult conversation. As for sexual entitlement/neglect. I feel so torn on this one, because it's such a difficult topic. If I was married, and I declined repeatedly, even if it was for legitimate reasons, I would still feel bad because I would feel like I was neglecting her; and I wouldn't blame her for feeling neglected, frustrated, alone, or unloved because of it, because that's probably how I would feel in the reverse situation. I'm definitely not saying that it's okay to just keep pushing or worse after a clear no, just that I understand the frustration it can cause. As for sharing. I personally think we don't speak about sex in specifically how it relates to morals, and what is healthy or unhealthy behaviors as a society; and as for talking about more details or what you like, that shouldn't leave you and a few close friends and your spouse; as for specific sexual actions done with your spouse, I personally don't think that it should leave the circle of trust between you too, with the exception of a therapist or one extremely close mutual friend that you can both confide in. Those are my thoughts.

[@franziskani]

If a person has major issues with sex it will not come out until they are stuck in a marriage. or if their sexual preferences are not compatible. And since the people that wait with sex till marriage usually are not divorcing easily they will be unhappy with each other for decades. Also: a person with such a traditional mindset will not have it easy to change their sexual reactions if something is off, likely they are even more shy to approach the issue, feel more shame, etc. So that would take some time. In my opinion preferably during an engagement phase. Waiting till marriage means they cannot test - if they are having trouble - if they can make it work (with books, therapy, playing around). Which would likely take some time. if they cannot make it work before marriage it is not going to get better.

[@franziskani]

I take it from your post that you never have been married (or are you widowed ?)

[@pffffggg]

I am so lucky that actually my parents thaught me everything you talk about here. My partner and I have been together 13 years and sex has been a good thing for us because we talk and speak really frankly about it. I think this video is amazing and I congratulate you both for this.

[@RachaelHixon]

As an agender, aromantic, sex-repulsed asexual, the BS advice you're addressing erases my existence. Thanks for taking it on.

[@breeanaoldham2634]

At the nail salon I go to it’s the answer to every relationship crisis. I’ve tried to talk about it, but nope, give your man more, and it will make him better.

[@stephanieru]

My "$*!T therapists say" experience was when my therapist and my OT were having back and forths behind the scenes debating whether my self harm was sensory related or self-destructive.

[@stephanieru]

None of my issues were explored or talked about. I felt like I was just a study case.

[@99sins]

not per se advice but one of my psychologists (#2) once said that relationships *are* transactional (it was more about platonic friendships but had the broader connotation as well) and basically went through a whole rant about it. This was following me explaining that I have a problem picking up social cues and have no self esteem or self value and feel like I bring nothing to the table to attract people and keep them around platonically, romantically or sexually. Needless to say I carry that now as yet another nail in my coffin to not deserving (more like 'not being built for') love, affection, sex, validation, friendship and being wanted beyond being useful in general.

[@Densoro]

As an ace, I tend to think of it more like, _'Whatever_ your needs are, _meeting those needs together_ is healing.' I don't so much go for the bow-chika-bow-wow, but I'm a massive cuddlebug and it's so important to me to have somebody who 1) helps me feel safe, welcome, and cared for when cuddling, and 2) _gets something out of this too,_ otherwise I won't feel appreciated. I don't want to _just take, I want to give simultaneously._ My partner isn't ace, but they still treasure every bid for affection I throw their way. The unpleasant underbelly to 's^x fixes everything' is 'oh no, something's not working, I _have to_ put out if I want to fix it. I don't get to say no.' That was a labyrinth and a half. Took years for me to understand that satiating somebody's libido is not _better_ than connecting with them in any other way.

[@sarahthemermaid7998]

The best book I've ever read is called Yhe Great Sex Rescue and it breaks down how harmful a lot of cultural norms are (traditional Christian ones specifically) and just some good ways to connect sexually but also that issues have to be dealt with before sex will be good. It's amazing

[@acrylicgodoy]

Could you elaborate on how Christian views on sexuality are harmful?

[@AryonaSamoto]

I find it very difficult to find a partner who is an open communicator. I'll keep searching though😄

[@MendedLight]

I understand! But keep growing yourself, and don't drop your standards. There are great communicators out there and if you are one, then you will most likely end up finding one too, as they will also be looking for the same mature qualities in a partner.

[@AryonaSamoto]

@@MendedLight thank you. I know my worth. I will wait till I find someone whom I can share mutual value for each other with open communication🤗

[@alexandrafletcher7853]

I know this is way later than the video upload date. And not necessarily relationship centered, but I had a therapist tell me that suicidal thoughts are nothing to worry about because there wasn’t an attempt. He then prescribed me meds then shooed me out the door.

[@makeuploverjess5170]

Many years ago, when I was 17, my boyfriend at the time and our friends blamed me for his actions because I wouldn't do it.

[@MissaMitchell]

I think you just answered so many questions. Thank you.

[@janespencer7864]

After my grandson was born via c-section, my daughter experienced low sex drive and it was creating tension within her marriage, so she went to her family practice physician. She told my daughter to get a pill bottle, fill it with M&Ms and take them like "mood enhancers." Essentially, she was supposed to "fake it until she felt it."

[@chloe2264]

So many levels of eww :(

[@ta2034]

This is the first time I've seen a man talk about needing to feel safe and loved to have sex. I've been criticized by friends and partners my whole life for feeling the same way, for not engaging in hookup culture or pursuing sex as a primary goal. Thanks Jonathan, for saying what a lot of men are ashamed to say. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[@MendedLight]

You are not. There are a lot of us out there!

[@bandguyjohn]

I couldnt agree more....ironically im in a realationship which is the opposite of the norm....but its still true...but I dont know how to fix it

[@hannahhansen3005]

The therapist I was seeing said she wondered if the ex who was extremely abusive was autistic. I have been having a lot of trouble with this lately. Bad therapist are worse than no therapy.

[@franziskani]

Well ... both things can be true: The ex was abusive and could be autistic (or was abusive because of autism). - if there was abuse / violence for which there is an alternative explanation (other than him being a jerk) for me it could make things easier to process in hindsight. That's just me. That does not mean your hurt is not valid, and of course you should remain separated.

[@stevenneiman1554]

My guess as to why a therapist would say that is because most healthy romantic relationships feature healthy sex, and if you only have a surface level understanding you could easily miss that the causality there is mostly the other way. But not only is sex something that should arise in its own time from a healthy relationship, it's several kinds of stupid to try and use it as a fix. It' s a go-to "solution" that doesn't solve anything, it tends to raise the emotional stakes without improving the odds, it's potentially risky, since there's a dangerous chance of producing children when you're not ready to deal with them or able to raise them well, and it probably won't be very good sex if it's between dysfunctional people who can't communicate well enough to fix other relationship problems.

[@racquelescjose4432]

This is so true trust is a must

[@menosproblemos6993]

A girl I loved had a tendency to leave when she got upset. Sometimes I felt like only sex could make her stay sometimes (by her own choosing). I had sex one of those times, while I was crying. Didn't seem very healthy. Though trying to making someone stay when they want to leave is like a prescription for bad mental health.

[@Other_Kev]

13:36 that morning the son was thinking "why is dad blaming his farts on me"

[@ItsNicola]

Your wife is an absolute delight!

[@megannull3569]

As someone who loves movies, can you recommend any great examples of couples with healthy sexual relationships? You're right that we don't have great role models in popular culture.

[@MendedLight]

Morticia and Gomez. The parents in Easy A. Bones and Boothe on Bones. The Huxtables on The Cosby Show (even though Bill Cosby ruined Bill Cosby for me).

[@tinaperez7393]

@@MendedLight and Hoban "Wash" Wahburne and Zoe Washburne in the tv series Firefly.

[@VioletEmerald]

@@MendedLight interesting that you think Brennan & Booth count. I stopped watching street only 1.5 seasons into them having added the dating and sex into their relationship (mid season 8 I stopped watching) but it's an interesting one to consider. ;)

[@jocelynn19871]

I would recommend watching the movie “return to me” it’s a great movie that I think appropriately shows what a “real” marriage is

[@lukeblundell5610]

8:55 the different result will probably be that he’s too tired for anything 😂

[@LivingLove0000]

This was great! As many of your videos are. Thank you! And I have a question I'd like to hear your thoughts on. Considering all the stuff out there about about sex and consent, and what constitutes consent... but also, too many other things out there about questionable things people do that (among other things) affect the way one grows up to think about life... I wonder: Can consent ever truly be given by someone who was groomed into the role? What does it mean for a person to have been groomed into any role? What is it that constitutes grooming? It strikes me that the very nature of Prostitution is a groomed role. How does that reflect upon those who employ it? For that matter, How much does society ultimately groom us into the roles that we live? Thank you.

[@voyance4elle]

great questions!

[@panayiotagregoriou805]

worst advise: I was depressed and my then therapists told me that going to church will fix that.. fyi I am not religious at all and my therapist already knew that

[@fannielacombe-belanger1840]

It’s not an advice per se, but the worst thing I’ve been told from a therapist when I was struggling with depression as a teenager from trouble at home with my mother was that I was exaggerating and that it could not be that bad.

[@kelliehorn1082]

Have you covered (or will you cover) the effects of pornography on relationships?

[@Nitra813]

If I can’t be friend with the couple then no one person will see much of me. I actually keep in contact with a lot of male friends (minimal). They are very respectful of my marriage and honestly admire my husband. People flock to him 😊 I would love to be able to support them in a healthy way and set boundaries. We were never romantic. But we had many similar hobbies and interests. We also have mutual friends. Since being married I’ve cultivated friendships with other married couples. Great by the way, but those relationships have u fortunately died. Like literally they passed away. I have history with some male friends not love interest.

[@Peppermon22]

When I’m the only one trying to make a relationship connection and get ignored what do I do? My husband only wants sex once a month. He doesn’t think porn is a problem. He is not used to having relationships with woman. In his country it’s not the same level of getting to know your partner.

[@annmusgrove2088]

I had a therapist tell me that i need to accept and be okay with my partner checking in the person he had cheated on me with. That it was a "need" to check on her and I had to be okay with it.

[@patmaurer8541]

I believe sex is to be exclusively within marriage. Intimacy, however, is an important foundation for a satisfying sex life. Feeling mutual respect and trust, being able to bare your souls before you ever bare your bodies. 😊

[@Mushroom321-]

Great ideas guys !! 🎉🎉

[@jadek5822]

“We also know that the brain can handle only a limited amount of information at a time; at its simplest, we can think of stress as information overload, so when there's too much happening, the brain starts to triage, prioritizing, simplifying, and even plain old ignoring some things (sex).” 📚 Come as you Are & Come Together: The Science (& Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections Emily Nagoski

[@mashae.1066]

I am single now and have been going on lots of dates. I’ve met a lot of successful men, and almost in every case their wives left them for another man. At first I felt bad, but eventually I noticed that these men did not show any warmth, compassion and empathy. They would never ask how my day went, or show care and concern in any way. And they are honestly confused as to why women would loose interest, since they make money and are sexually faithful. And at this point I don’t even try to explain that there is so much more that goes into having a good relationship. 🙈

[@LovethosePNWVibes]

One of my friends was once told by her therapist that she should never apologize for anything she does, even if she was wrong. She was abused pretty heavily by her dad growing up, and had a lot of issues to work through. Still, it was terrible advice. But because her therapist said it, she treated it as gospel. It didn't help her relationships going forward - and only served to isolate her.