Ep. 135 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[@BallsMahoney20]

Bert: “I can’t even comprehend the urge to break into someone’s house and kill someone… Tom (mid fantasy): “…yeah…”

[@jbones2422]

I thought the same!! 😂

[@ivotadich938]

28:00

[@popeye697]

That's the good stuff 😂 😂 😂

[@gumborambo4540]

You know youre a fan, when you can sense Tom’s inner serial killer awaken.

[@TD-lh9ph]

later in the show Burt: Oh I definitely have a list of people I would murder

[@marisaruiz2529]

Bert’s thing about seeing your parents more is spot on. I lost my mom a month ago to cancer. Moved here across county to be with her and it was the best decision I have ever made.

[@jenniferdennis6465]

❤ I'm sorry

[@dennisdupuis1567]

that and 2$ we can buy coffee

[@Cash5YR]

"I'm not going to kill a fucking 6..." One of the better Bert lines.

[@jerryrimmer9775]

"She might be able to take me" Bret krishna

[@amber22431]

🤣🤣🤣💀

[@Battlefox64_RL]

18:10 switch subjects so fast it actually hurt my neck. Where Tf did that come from ......

[@jamesjustice8711]

What does that even mean? What is a 6?

[@gregoryhines7]

@@jamesjustice8711 6 out of 10 on the hot scale

[@andrewstein7926]

"The only way you get away with being a serial killer would be to it to be random all over and not in one area" - guy who travels randomly all over

[@hwftechdecks]

Yah this whole time I’m thinking…Tom is tryna fool us all.

[@8thlvlMage]

@@hwftechdecks Tom is teaching Bert so he can convince him to do all his killing, and Tom will get away with it because he was never involved. Just a coach lol.

[@noodleboy3000]

I’m literally here because of that conspiracy about Tom being a serial killer and not gunna lie it’s a little weird

[@lukeut8680]

Brent Kresher probably waves goodbye with both hands.

[@Adama_Now]

Brent Kresher probably giggles when he pees

[@xballinlikemj23x]

Wait... that's not a normal thing to do?

[@GETmessedUPP]

Brent's the type of guy who claps the tongs before he grabs his food.

[@puertoricanboy100]

I can't wait try this when hanging out!

[@brennancarter7721]

These comments, Jesus Christ: 😂😂

[@spazzynazzy]

picturing Bert trying to kill a woman, saying "oh. you're bigger than I thought you were" and her throwing him into the wall....that should be a movie 🍿😂

[@Will_Smith_Slapping_Xi_Jinping]

Melissa McCarthy or Rebel Wilson as the film Antagonist?

[@daniellewildschut2730]

😱 m'n i b

[@andrewroling8111]

I thought the same thing 💀😂😂😂

[@JoshisJoshisJosh]

Haven't laughed that hard at Bret in a wheeze moment in a while And the "..... So do you follow her" dismount? 👏🏾👏🏾 Good shit Brad Krishna

[@TevynSmith]

I fucking died

[@danrussell27]

"I think we should probably not do every idea"- Some of the best advice Tom has given to Bert.

[@Joey010rotterdam]

Somebody knows how much toms jacket costs ?

[@8thlvlMage]

@@Joey010rotterdam He doesn't have 5 of them that he bought all at once on a Tuesday mid bender. That's how it would be, if you're trying to make an analogue to Bert.

[@devincognito8932]

“He taught at evergreen college and refused to use pronouns” I’m having a heart attack 😂😂😂. How is he so confident and so wrong

[@digitalsalsas]

Same thing shut up

[@utlonghorn86]

Narcissism

[@chickenliver]

@@utlonghorn86 your comments are all Bert hate yet here you are week in, week out lol. Seeing as you wanna be an armchair psychologist, I'll give it a go as well. There are parts of your personality that you hate and rather than working on it, you find it much easier to shit on others and Bert is an easy target. Sort yourself out.

[@BobSmith-sm9oz]

@@chickenliver Tfatk subreddit in a nutshell 😂

[@joeburrow6087]

@@chickenliver yeah get on his ass then lol leave the machine alone

[@cooperbraun8388]

Bert not knowing what a clinical psychologist is makes so much sense

[@biguprochester]

Your typo makes just as mush cents

[@shnarfer]

@@biguprochester YOU ARE!!!! YOU!!! ARE!!!!!

[@moresquatsmoretwats6298]

🤣🤣🤣

[@TrashBoat11]

"I think imma kill an indigenous chick." As a Native American that was fucking hilarious, my eyes got watery while I was driving😂🤣🤣🤣

[@kryslynpackard9893]

Same! I'm in oklahoma. I'm muscogee creek and couldn't stop laughing!

[@RestingBitchface7]

#MMIW activists are gonna want to hunt y’all down…..

[@TrashBoat11]

Get a load of this Victoria secret model over here..

[@VickiMartin710]

Be careful he almost kxlled u just by saying it 😳

[@urbanmouseification]

Bert just merged Peterson and Weinstein and messed up both stories simultaneously. Bart is amazing.

[@TrollHunterxXx]

🤣🤣

[@Ferrislilly]

Lol I lost it when I heard that shit

[@imemberberry]

I thought you meant Harvey. Lol.

[@Luffnin]

@@imemberberry @@imemberberry I confuse Ryan Kavanagh with Harvey all the time they look so similar

[@jemiiam]

If ur gonna joke about his name atleast keep it consistent and call him "Bart" both times

[@michaelmcgrath7042]

Tom and Bert should do a crime drama: Tim is the cereal killer and Bart is the alcoholic detective trying to solve the case.

[@95davidt1]

I would like to see Tom murder Fruit Loops too 😂

[@loupgarouable]

If anyone's killing more cereal here it's Bernt

[@awholewhitebabybruh]

Yep Tom is on tour as a comedian when people start disappearing in the towns he visits..

[@justinowen9537]

Hey tik tok, it's serial killer. It ain't Cap'n crunch going around strangling mfers.

[@michaelmcgrath7042]

@@justinowen9537 glad you got the play on words chomo.

[@AUSHARDSTYLE]

Burt Chrysler with the hat that matches his skin complexion… tremendous

[@bigguy247]

Gonna miss him. RIP.

[@queenieqt2033]

@@bigguy247 LMAO

[@dylangilkes997]

His hat has a tinge of diabetes

[@commanderjonson2610]

That Florida trash look

[@sippinlosses]

@@bigguy247 🤣 real shit

[@sammcintosh3942]

The guys in the background laughs is what laugh tracks always wanted to be

[@tbizzle00]

Nadav is the best 😂

[@zenorabbit439]

“He killed 33 boys? That’s fucking crazy” 1 second later- “If you’re buying a home you should think Policy Genius” lol

[@FDietzNutz]

Bart is definitely the kind of guy to stay up at night playing "are you racist" quizzes to see if he's racist

[@jerrymac4961]

while crying.....

[@Toddkelley74]

Who’s Bart?

[@MrTakedownkd]

Did nobody catch Bert say “I’m glad they kept it” about the mixed race couple with the kid in the quiz 🤣🤣🤣

[@timsmith8717]

I caught it and thought I was crazy when it missed

[@liammathews2640]

LOL

[@mattnara4917]

Lmao I just breezed over it thanks for the comment cause that was a gold nugget 😂

[@chobblegobbler2536]

I missed it at first, thank you for pointing it out mommy. Hilarious lol

[@steverito]

Seeing Tom light up when talking about serial killers is always so satisfying. You can see the enjoyment in his eyes and the thought he’s put behind every little detail. It’s nice to hear from Tom once in a while.

[@Ignition_Spark]

Tom: “He murdered the boy and the body was still in the attic” Bert: “If you’re buying a home…” Great ad placement boys

[@alexrush4140]

🤣🤣

[@TheHarmmm]

I noticed that

[@Fireproofwitchnz]

I was waiting for him to somehow tie hiding bodies into the house buying as lmao 🤣

[@dougroach88]

Damn you beat me to it! I started commenting on it and saw your comment... 🤣

[@jakebriscoe]

a “we might be 2 bad friends 1 cave” triple mashup would make my life worth living

[@randobando]

I never knew I wanted this, but now I need this.

[@michaelgibsonjr67]

I don’t think I laughed as hard as I did on this show when Bert did his soda read and ended it with “and I like to have just one, and that’s it…” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@TGIFermented]

Bert: “We should come out with a Two Bears cologne!” Tom: “I think we should not do every idea.” That had me cracking up. I love how Tom has to reel Bert back in once and a while.

[@Hsaffff]

*Tom:* “Do you think…” *Bert:* “(Cuts off Tom) No! I mean Yes!”

[@Valencesor]

This is the first full podcast of theirs I've watched and the amount that Bert changes topics within one sentence is absolutely impressive.

[@8thlvlMage]

Oh boy! You have basically seen them all now lol.

[@die4race]

Bert is evolving into a new human species, his skin tone is out of this world

[@chrisdaniel8564]

That’s called being an alcoholic

[@chobblegobbler2536]

Have you seen his new promo lol

[@anthonyfarkas9286]

That's my biggest reason for wanting to quit drinking... The red face is honestly the worsttt look

[@die4race]

@@chobblegobbler2536 lol...damn that explains a lot

[@noramuldowney2721]

red as fuck 😮

[@colinkrajicek7917]

The real MVP of this episode was whoever curated the hard sodas for Burt. The way his face changed had me in tears!! Never been a fan of the seltzers but when he hit the "oh my f'n God", I wanted to buy a 12 pack immediately hahahahaha.

[@TrueBlackOrchid]

This was Tom's favorite episode. Lots of questions from Bert about serial killers.

[@Ryan_Carder]

I'm almost a year sober, and I cannot explain how serious I am. Nothing has made me want to have a drink more than Bert's reaction to the hard sodas. Great job selling a product, bud. Fantastic.

[@cameronblack7984]

Tom trying to act like he hasn't thought through exactly how he'd kill someone

[@VideoNozoki]

Tom: "I not going to tell you how I would ACTUALLY do it on the air, that would leave too many clues. ((What can I say that doesn't overlap with my actual plans?...))"

[@xballinlikemj23x]

I mean, who hasn't?

[@iceviking6845]

Tom Killing Everywhere Tour

[@shadjuice]

Actually Tom said he read a paper about it at school to 1000 people🤣🤣

[@chobblegobbler2536]

Tom got more bodies that G?

[@CinDy-hw7fg]

My boys in a cave!!!! Loved this episode, laughed pretty hard at the end. It feels like one-big family in here. This is probably why we get the inside jokes, even at your stand-up comedy shows you guys are able to differentiate the ones that follow you in here (podcast) from the ones who don't. Wish they knew to come in here, they're truly missing out.

[@slywolfe]

Hope y'all have a great Memorial Day - and to those of you that served yourselves or had family do so, thank you

[@jonathanleach4086]

Yeah we all remembered you today. Thanks for reminding us

[@ricker76er]

You’re thinking of Veterans Day. Those honored on Memorial Day will never read these comments. Ok. I’m a pedantic ass. Thank you all for serving.

[@faceplants2]

Okay, who figured out what Tom's cream colored leather jacket came from? If he didn't make it a secret, I probably wouldn't have cared whatsoever, but now I know that one of you sleuths figured it out.

[@shadir007]

Same

[@joeihendrix]

I think it’s a Brunello Cucinelli I think I’ve seen it at Neimans it’s like 3 to 6k

[@guessure]

@@joeihendrix that's the closest I've seen so far, never heard of that brand- cool stuff

[@DJRickyD]

Im happy someone is trying to figure this out!!!! I’m trying also, I did see a Dolce & Gabbana pretty damn close plus Christina wore D&G for her last special so maybe I was thinking that stylist brought some stuff over for Tommy Bunz…. Brunello seems pretty damn close also!

[@VoodooLegacy369]

I love Bert’s fearlessness to pursue a dumb idea when others restrain themselves.

[@ricker76er]

Then gives up two minutes later.

[@mrs.h2725]

#brave

[@lokithecat7225]

"For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" E.M. Forester 1905

[@zigwil153]

Being too stupid to know better isn’t ‘fearlessness’

[@stevealleman9206]

@@lokithecat7225 If E.M. Forster ever said that he was quoting Alexander Pope's An essay on criticism (1711)

[@cdizzy42069]

This was one of the better episodes in a while, Bert's comment about killing a 6 was so fucking hilarious

[@youngotterking5450]

Bert trying to normalize killing Asians is the sneakiest racist thing I've ever seen, almost as sneaky as Pearl Harbour

[@youngotterking5450]

I agree

[@uselessinformation1702]

Can’t spell Bert without racist

[@ELsickPuppetto]

Reminds me of that tragedy

[@blunttrauma5300]

You lost me then you had me 🤣

[@zacharygreenways9415]

I love it when bert begins to say something and then decides not to say it on camera. !Very enjoyable for the watcher!

[@kev_vill]

2 BEARS AND I'M OFF WORK LET'S GO

[@teamsquintz]

its the little things

[@kev_vill]

@@teamsquintz exactly

[@Chillllllbruh]

Bert - "Do you know who I'm talking about Nadav?" Nadav - "No?" 😆

[@xballinlikemj23x]

Nadav is the fucking WORST

[@stinkylittleguy1958]

Of course Tom has a very thought-out answer for how to get away with being a serial killer

[@EdinMike]

“When I see a name that looks complicated, I give up on it” Brent Chrysler 2022

[@EdinMike]

@@mommymilestones sorry “Bart Chreshner”

[@thejesus95]

With Bart's new acting career taking off, can we petition to get him for the John Wayne Gacy biopic?

[@sarahduffey69]

When they laugh at “to each their own” during the racist quiz, I love you two so much!

[@brandonwatts2244]

Tom Segura Masterclass: Serial Killer

[@S1X_Bucks]

The new scent by Two Bears: Diversity, When you want to smell like Titos and weed, but you have shit to do.

[@nathancarr7588]

I absolutely love these guys and their friendship!

[@Rick_James]

Please make the specials as long as possible. Love having that much content to enjoy at home over and over!

[@tylergeorge733]

When Bart dies, they for sure will keep taping episodes and just do a “weekend at Bernie’s” situation, and somehow that mannequin will still interrupt

[@JR-rz1br]

They better not cremate him, shit'll burn for weeks.

[@tyler4418]

I think we all know Fat Sticks is gonna outlive everyone lol

[@vivwinsome2363]

5.30secs " I'm down " That grin Segura 🤣🤣🤣 its gold🤣🤣🤣

[@greyforge27]

Bert: has a genuine, thoughtful moment Tom: so what you're saying kinda brings me back to Gacy...

[@VideoNozoki]

That made me laugh too.

[@tonsoffun49]

The booth boys make these pod casts SOOOOOO good.

[@hawyadoin1175]

I like when Brett is sleep deprived, Tom gets a chance to contribute.

[@digitalsalsas]

I like how the entire comment section cries about Tom not talking, so many cool guys around here

[@eshrog]

Brent told Rogan on JRE that he NEVER drinks in the morning because that’s when you know you have a problem…comes to 2B1C…LOVES a morning cocktail…oh Burnt 😂

[@johnmoore7995]

1:06:49 “Bert this feels awesome” Toms expression after that is hilarious

[@fruitcakeboy7877]

Bert’s laugh is infectious

[@icyowens7853]

Brent’s impression of Joey was surprisingly good

[@Phillllthy]

I was thinking the same thing

[@alba7or]

He just had to sprinkle "cocksuckers" in there too many times, classic.

[@kylek794]

I love how good of friends they are… they just end this wanting to talk about their sets together but can’t on camera, so they end the podcast to go eat bbq and actually discuss them lol

[@Twenty-Seven]

Still waiting to see a development about 2 Bears Racing.

[@cjbarnes2010]

Agreed

[@landon7swag]

With Toms tour schedule, we probably won’t see a development for a while😅

[@jamie3653]

@@landon7swag Bert's is just as ludicrous as Tom's. These bears need acceptable holograms asap so they (Bert) doesn't cark it

[@cornelionsqween8028]

Tom's going out like old #3! Get a little taste of that rubbin's racin' then eat the wall head-on! 🎸🎸🎸

[@boebrown9332]

Bert on his other podcast literally the other day" "I don't drink during the day" Bert during the day: "I'm gonna have to drink to answer this question"

[@KFCRadio]

Gonna be the best trip ever!

[@tangybuttfrogfpv8772]

Keep feathering it brother

[@robinsharkey6658]

High AND Tight. You should probably slip Bart some Xanax to control the rambling ;)

[@robertupson5274]

This was one of the best ones in a while

[@jpjapers]

"I make fun of you in my hour" - The way he said that cracked me up.

[@javieraceves2252]

Bert: *askes Tom a question* Tom: *starts to answer* Bert: *immediately cuts him off and mumbles for 3 minutes* Classic 2 bears

[@Delta2Oscar]

The first time Bert has a hard time getting a word in is when Tommy gets into murder and how to get away with it.

[@grant.bloomquist]

@25:21 “hypothetically”, when they catch Tom this episode is going to be AWESOME

[@DaveSwart]

I didn’t care how much the jacket cost but now I do lol

[@okahhj55]

Anyone know?

[@NotAvailableEmotionally]

I find Tim's watch even more interesting, a serial killer of taste!

[@DTylereRod]

Just google searched for something that looked similar, while being wayyy too much. Found a Harry Rosen lambskin which looked real close. It was an economical $7,500. It's a boutique Canadian company, but I think boutique is where Tom's head is at these days. Make nice money, have nice things...

[@dvlpr]

Same, couldn't have cared less but now we need to find it haha

[@oliverb3688]

I found a dolce and gabbana for around $5000??

[@kurtismoore4319]

Its super fun watching you two tell jokes and stories on air you refuse to tell on air..

[@MasterOfNone1980]

I look forward to this every Monday

[@JayRi95]

I’ve been waiting for this episode specifically just to see Tom’s new jacket.

[@larsonfamilyhouse]

What brand and how much, I can’t find it lol reminds me of that Seinfeld episode

[@emilysalinas9641]

Same! Let’s hear it

[@TheHarmmm]

Creepy Tom Segura has definitely thought, "you know, if I spaced things out properly, had a plan, I could really kill some people on this tour" I'm coming everywhere? More like, I'm KILLING everywhere.

[@mcfadden3413]

Bert's impression of Joey is AMAZING!! LOL. Please add that into your act, that had me in stiches

[@Krissyg2277]

Dolce and gabbana about $5000 but you’ve been coming everywhere for a longggg time you deserve it

[@ericedwards5002]

thank you I really wanted to know about the jacket . it was driving me crazy!

[@Joker32256]

Thank you! I’ve been searching for this comment

[@Inthetanktube]

Custom tailored too!

[@t_ward8772]

This is the episode Tom’s been waiting his whole life for.

[@jric1903]

For a while I thought I was listening to an old episode but Bert just tells old stories !

[@SuperdudeDan]

I had to check the release time on two separate occasions for this exact reason

[@MoodyCleric]

I’m from Minnesota, I’m comin to the ball theatre in Colorado to see you Tom, you’re the best!

[@joshwhitt4848]

You guys should each do a 15-20 minute set making jokes about each other and put it up on your channel. It would kill!

[@vashthestampede9269]

They always ending on I love you is the friendship everyone needs! Saying it and actually meaning it!

[@TevynSmith]

I literally died when Bert explained the apartment murder thing

[@kelty2424]

I love this podcast with Tom Segura and Al Borlin.. glad he got some work after home improvement

[@bookwildcollective]

Going from talking about Gacy throwing a kid in his attic when the police came to his house into an ad for Policy Genius homeowners insurance felt almost purposeful 😂

[@xxxjules27]

“I’m not gunna kill a 6 … she might be able to take me” 😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 im cracking up

[@Moon-littt]

You can tell Bert woke up drunk this day 🤣🤣🤣

[@OpenMicHeroes]

I just wanna thank you guys for convincing me to follow my dreams as a serial killer. It really means alot.

[@neuvisean1739]

"You can be pretty racist without being racist" -Brett

[@DeafJackRussell]

the Joey Diaz story made my week 🤣

[@Dr.Gonzoo]

Barts next tour should be named the “inclusive killing tour” 😂

[@WickedSpade]

Should be "i might have this wrong"

[@amber22431]

Bert is so exhausting 😂 God forbid I fall asleep listening to this pod. His laugh wakes me up violently!

[@rachelw5971]

if bert ever killed anyone, he would definitely panic and then call Tom making him an accessory

[@NoahSteckley]

Brick’s imperviousness to “the current thing” is so beautiful

[@GnarlyWorld]

“I thought he was just a Rogan guest” haha this is actually Bert’s smartest take of all time - so many of these “scientists” are just Rogan Guests

[@zachhuntington]

Would be awesome if every now n then y’all did a like 2.5 or 3 hour episode I can’t get enough of 2 bears

[@b.i.k.1119]

was supposed to be tom’s test and of course bert answered every question for him. jesus christ

[@youngrumandcoke]

Anyone else want a 2 bears 1 tour?

[@discgolfinrude]

When people talk shit on Bart ,talks too much or whatever, but segura feeds him the ball all the time on 2b1c There is a myriad of things from ymh to watch if you need segura. He knows how to point guard or the star

[@tyler4418]

Tom learned a long time ago. Just let Bert talk about whatever falls outta his mouth, and the money just rolls right in. He's a content Machine lol

[@discgolfinrude]

@@tyler4418 that's what makes time smart.. let Bart trip over himself That's half the fun. Encourage it

[@tyler4418]

@@discgolfinrude you see it on Tom's face when Bert is doing his thing. Just a big stupid grin, and the glimmer of dollar signs in his eyes 😂

[@discgolfinrude]

Oh for sure. His eyes. He literally has eyes that says, let's lead him down a rabbit hole

[@WovenBrute]

42:44 Tom definitely said “I thought June was pride month”, or something to the tune of that. If you say it out loud it fits perfectly with his timing, and then he comes back and says “and it’s May 1st.” Buns is an absolute riot

[@notanaftagent8444]

My earbuds randomly came unplugged at work and the murder segment started playing out loud for all my coworkers to hear $10 says nobody takes my parking spot anymore

[@original_cayotebongwater]

I've never seen more excited for anything than this Budweiser soda 💀

[@Phillie.phresh]

This episode feels like it’s gonna be evidence someday..

[@babakazi808]

Tom, I needed this

[@cdizzy42069]

I saw Tom in Burlington and it was probably like 50 or so minutes and it was all killer no filler so I'm so hyped to see how the act has progressed and how the special will go. Will 100% be fucking hilarious tho

[@stealedan]

Saw him recently too. Peak material. One of his best hours. Btw. He totally told that joke in my town and I wont give it away but i dont think it will ruin the show without. The defamation concern is real. Not worth it Tom!

[@cdizzy42069]

@@stealedan who was that shit about?

[@larsonfamilyhouse]

I’m scrolling through trying to find out about his jacket and thought you were talking about the coat factory 😂😭🤣💀💀💀

[@elloelloelloo]

Bert: "You guys just stood there and had waters?" Tom: "Yeah...that's what I usually have" The revelation on Bert's face 😂 There's water in them Bud Lights, Bert, no worries