Ep. 126 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura! The bears start off the show talking about being bullies and being bullied in school. Who do you think was a bigger bully, Tom or Bert? Then they review shows and specials they’ve recently seen, like Dave Chappelle’s Home Team: Earthquake’s “Legendary”, Anthony Jeselnik’s “Fire in the Maternity Ward”, Ali Wong’s “Don Wong”, and Bert’s favorite: “A Made Homecoming”. Bert talks about his unfortunate introductions to Oliver Stone, Joe Rogan, Tom Cruise, and bro have you seen the hot chicks on @mugshawtys’ Instagram?! See you next week on 2 Bears 1 Cave!
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[@MichaelWutsch]

Can't wait to hear you guys talk about the Oscars in 5 weeks

[@eliascardenas9104]

Deadass

[@YoMama9021]

I know! I

[@Midokun3]

@@_el_louie_213 imagine touring nearly 365 days of the year and calling someone lazy for creating content for you anyways LMFAO

[@carlosbalcazar5315]

😅😅

[@samsonfpv8902]

Ever since they started banking episodes, I don’t get as excited.

[@RPRsChannel]

*_Too bad this is recorded WEEKS in advance. There was an entanglement that happened last night I'd love your take on._*

[@mobiusbelts3607]

@@toastedjoe1013 Will’s not black.. he’s a Scientologist.

[@rams812]

straight up lol

[@serdavezilla6494]

Will "Rick James Bitch" Smith

[@carlrs15]

hey, now - it's hair business

[@ants5233]

Fake news for views I think on that 1

[@IvoryB]

"I'm burping up from the bottom of my bowels. How often do you think Tom Cruise gets diarrhea? We should buy a bar."

[@joseiscool31]

How Bert’s mind thinks

[@Dstravs]

Burnt Krassels

[@Wnick56]

Burp koffman

[@soccerfreek07]

I’d go to “Two Bears, One Bar” at least twice, lol

[@rasengan580]

That was a train of thoughts lol

[@benking9728]

Bert: “and then Will Smith discovered me….” Too bad this wasn’t recorded today. Hahahaha.

[@arielanonymous7270]

Right! I feel bad for the amount of giddiness im experiencing thinking about bert and toms dialogue on this.

[@ctg4818]

Can't wait untill June/July to hear their take on the Will Smith Chris Rock slap

[@genore1993]

@@arielanonymous7270 tom went hard in his tweet.

[@acabbagemerchant]

@@ctg4818 and these comments a reference point lol

[@GearForce724]

What a coincidence that both Chris Rock and Will Smith were mentioned in this episode.

[@TexasHeatAudit]

I can't wait to hear Barts take on his oldest Hollywood friends Oscar controversy.

[@torontotonto6189]

its gonna take 2 months for that to come to this pod

[@johndoe-to2hv]

no backbone he will never speak of it and if they do they will bleep names

[@Zanzenite]

Bret is stuck in the middle on this one. Tom is hard in the paint on this one 🤣

[@DrDANKize]

Barts been silent about it on Twitter. Tom however……

[@supremebuffalo6322]

@@DrDANKize I dont have twitter, went and searched up Tom's after I read this. I'm glad I did haha thanks for the tip

[@braydenrichardson994]

"It's crazy how rapable I must be." - Bart Krishna

[@gondolaone7748]

No that's Blart Creakmoor you're quoting

[@booyahinc]

You misspelled Brent Krueger

[@BingNedRyerson]

Bart Kriplitz?

[@Kwestdaroc4]

Bruce Kershner ‼️

[@booyahinc]

Burnt Crusher?

[@andrewhogan6533]

God that Oscars moment is going to be the gift that keeps on giving for all these comedians

[@jacklindsey9785]

Add it to their victimhood card 🤣

[@mrs.h2725]

Uh hundred percent 😂. Will gave Chris years worth of material with that one sucker punch. Also love how ppl are whining that he made fun of her medical condition. As a woman with alopecia, I can promise you that’s not why she’s mad. She’s stayed mad since the rest of the world didn’t buy her gaslighting cheater BS like Will did.

[@ryanistooconceited]

@@mrs.h2725 he got slapped, not punched, just throwing that out there.

[@seefy22]

@@mrs.h2725 yes!!

[@ryanistooconceited]

@@neotower420 are you a man talking like that? Pull ya skirt down 😂

[@nomnomcannon]

Bert looking like DJ Dad Mouth right now.

[@MichaelWutsch]

He's way too obsessed with hats

[@DeathInProgress]

Both those jackets are from target

[@lionsmanexx]

Needs that chain son

[@dustinharvey5393]

Imagine having the kind of resume Samuel L Jackson has and being known as "the snakes on a plane" guy 🤦‍♂️

[@woroworo69]

i’m willing to bet Burnt just drew a blank with the name like he does every pod.

[@MrSquilla23]

😂

[@eddo00]

What a wild ep. When Nadav walks in and slaps Tom then yells " keep my name out ya fuckin mouth" followed by the blaring silence! Wild

[@GettingNegative]

That’s what he gets for playing that “hot sauce is the best” drop…

[@joelosteen6960]

imagine Tom being like "It was Jew joke.."

[@PismotHello]

@@joelosteen6960 Nadav Instanbul just slapped the shit outta me.

[@robusto7735]

"I'm fucking burping up from the bottom of my bowels. How often do you think Tom Cruise have diarrhea? We should buy a bar". No joke....three consecutive Bert sentences.....you can literally see the sparkplug misfire!!!

[@Eugenia_Farms]

ha ha ha... mechanic joke..

[@klootzakke]

@50:33

[@tobyscustoms4813]

It’s not a misfire he just has the brain of a 5 year old

[@joshfranklin474]

Trust me, the older you get, you learn to ride the ADHD

[@SlimTimmi]

Love the podcast Bert. You and Tom should team up and do a podcast together!

[@TrashCanNinja87]

Can't wait for Chris to be on podcast

[@issacwhitley5929]

ong

[@shoonger001]

Chris DiStefano already been on the show.

[@vidcarr]

Chris got Rocked

[@masterofallgoons]

He won't be, but it would be cool.

[@xrmighty]

@@shoonger001 no he hasn't.

[@ja5304]

Really feel like we’re being setup to have blackface Burt soon

[@LimorG]

A girl can dream

[@michaelcole8999]

Yeah, why hasn't that deepfake been make. I just hope Bret passes out long enough that Tom can paint him in full blackface.

[@DreamEaterMusic]

Someone should do a compilation of all the times Burt has said that he was going to quit drinking/ reclaim his power.

[@vergaerd]

Surely someone has told Bert that if/when he stops drinking he's going to need to do it under medical supervision right?? I'm pretty sure a person with his drinking habits could see major complications or even die if they go cold turkey.

[@ctg4818]

Can't wait untill June/July to hear their take on the Will Smith Chris Rock slap

[@austinarnold155]

Haha

[@Madinnit09]

Hahaha seriously this is ridiculous

[@numba1osufan]

Can't wait for next week when Bert says the wrong thing about Will Smith/Chris Rock

[@Berdymadafakas]

They already have 3 episodes in the can so we won't get his wrong opinion till August 😉

[@edwardthompson2142]

I love how Tom just sits there and lets Brent go off the rails.

[@TheGodlyGamers]

Burnt Chrysler

[@winestore_grindcore3223]

That's the only and whole point of the show lol

[@Midnight-SpecialM2M31]

Who's Brent?? 😂😂

[@dodgersfan1]

@@winestore_grindcore3223 i never thought about that lol

[@Kav3h]

Someone like Bort you start a sentence he finished a paragraph

[@megyskermike]

Who cares about the Oscar's, jeez people, stop giving them exactly what they want. Let's talk about the actual train wreck we're watching now that keeps giving.

[@kathleenchapman3890]

Bert....this is a dark conversation. Tom...yeah, I know...grinning from ear to ear.

[@ceedubyuh2459]

Knowing that Will Smith slapping Chris Rock will be on an episode of YMH makes me very excited.

[@austinarnold155]

It's quite the entanglement. Ymh and the Smith family go way back.

[@Balance_Bot]

Will smith's marriage is open to everything except jokes

[@yoitsvic1126]

😭

[@yoitsvic1126]

My god this is the most underrated shit ever

[@adamhoisington9761]

When’s Bert gunna finally come out gay. He’s been hinting that shit for years

[@Zeta9966]

“I’m fucking burping up from the bottom of my bowels. How often do you think Tom Cruise has diarrhea? We should buy a bar.” Brought to you by ADHD and DT

[@dash-x]

It’s definitely a fantastic example to explain ADHD thought process😹 Poor Bert. No wonder he has problems sleeping. I can empathize with anxiety circular thinking when I can’t sleep so I usually read to fall asleep. What does DT stand for ?

[@Zeta9966]

@@dash-x delirium tremens. It’s something directly related to alcoholism. It was a joke, or maybe not haha.

[@terrymead4024]

Adam Sandler and Steve Martin both standup that became superstars

[@andrewbarrett6403]

Was about to say the same thing, and Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams

[@isiahgibson2775]

Every time I see Tom's hoodie... I Remember his Wu-Tang Clan joke... " you gotta protect ya neck!" lool

[@kevinearley5896]

How the HELL does “I wonder how many times Tom Cruise has diarrhea?” segue immediately to “We should buy a bar!” in one breath? Only in Bert’s beautiful mad mind……

[@timmyneutron7411]

No way in hell Bruce just called Samuel L Jackson “snakes on a plane guy” this man officially has wet brain 😂😂😂

[@andrestein6022]

Tom saw Will Smith hit Chris and got flashbacks to the barista from Starbucks he murdered

[@andrestein6022]

@emcee lama hawk then yeah, we know

[@andrestein6022]

@emcee lama hawk then I'm not expecting to hear about it from them today, and they don't read the comments. It's obviously for the other mommies. You must be real fun at a party bub

[@manuelcruz9883]

I feel like a genius everytime I hear Bart Kristallnachts reasoning behind most things

[@COMEDY_JUNKIE89]

“Rolling stones wrote an article about me” Is a line I’ve heard Bert say more times than I could ever count.

[@LostKatamori]

10:35 Tyler1's true height exposed by Tom and Bert live on air

[@scottstalcup9530]

It's funny how you guys say that they're not famous celebrities. I love everyone affiliated with your mom's house podcast. you guys are my favorite people and Id rather meet all y'all before I'd ever want to meet Brad Pitt. In my eyes you guys are the best kind of celebrities you're somebody real that we can associate with and have a conversation with and I appreciate it.

[@sissyofFreemont]

A hunnnnnnndred percent

[@tylerjohnson6373]

I’m still taking brad Pitt

[@jeremiahbachmann3901]

Walk-in closets and a 911 in the driveway seems like rich shit to me.

[@DakotaisBeast295101]

@@jeremiahbachmann3901 exactly, fart plays broke so hard even though he's loaded.

[@PismotHello]

they're the kind who arent out of touch just yet

[@teddnagurski5583]

12:08 Tom is definitely talk about George Perez.

[@igkgigoh]

Uh hundred percent.

[@austinarnold155]

I don't thinks so because bert was surprised that the guy has been to prison.

[@igkgigoh]

@@austinarnold155 Yes, because we all know Burnt has a brain like carefully sorted filing cabinet. I don't know, but George is the only one from the guests who has done hard time.

[@LimorG]

They been saying its actually Ali Siddiq

[@walkerck]

Pretty sure it's Ali Siddiq.

[@nickmataruso3905]

bart: *starts panicking meeting any celebrity* ...... When i was 22 i got involved with the Russian mafia heres how

[@captianxanax]

Will Smith should get an Oscar for that acceptance performance. His speech was almost as good as Jessie Smollett's.

[@MrBuketman]

Why was he allowed back on stage? He’s a clown. The Academy was too scared to bounce him out since he’s a celebrity.

[@JesusHComedy]

@@MrBuketman I think Chris Rock called him back on stage lol

[@newsrapper]

Almost as good as his wife openly cheating on him

[@marathonhero]

@@newsrapper Exactly!!

[@gators9570]

@@MrBuketman Everything was staged

[@ethangaltrey6128]

I want Chris distefano on the pod with you guys think your dynamic would be great

[@Wildoddity]

hes been on YMH with Christina n Tom but him with bert and Tom would be nice

[@JayMac]

Funny you say that, Tom ran into him on the street in NY today then shouted him out on Pat Macfees show today lol

[@AlexCoombes123]

F will smith, Chris Rock is a legend!!

[@luisattack]

Make sure to tune in April 28th to hear Bart stick up for the man who found him in Hollywood!

[@Kitsune113]

We back, it’s Monday, and it’s time for some comedic relief

[@alexandertwagner]

The fact that bart went to the magnolia premier... id pay to hear his analysis on one of the most complex films of all time.

[@-KYUSS-]

You know Will wouldn’t have done shit if it was Chappelle up there telling that joke.

[@drummaboy303]

Cant wait to hear why Brent will be defending will smith at the Oscar’s in 7 months.

[@lejamesbron4055]

Bart for the 126th episode in a row: “I’m going to stop drinking and get so healthy”

[@jacksonryan345]

I feel like this podcast just covered a lot of stuff we already know

[@yourenotrelatable]

Top cringe podcast name goes to…. Smartless! Do they really think that name makes them relatable? Lol

[@michaelhart8567]

I love how they bleeped it but he was told that story on YMH.

[@DakotaisBeast295101]

Who was it?

[@thestraydog]

Probably either Danny Brown or George Perez. My guess is George

[@SSGBWolverine]

I think it's Ali Siddiq. I remember that story and the Mexican got on boots joke.

[@zackturner6767]

I think they don’t wanna say it or who it is but on ymh it was them telling their own story

[@ZacParsonsComedy]

I thought it was Ali Siddiq

[@dakotadad8835]

My god bert we get it!! You like earthquake Jesus he’s said it 97 times next subject

[@apskate]

I bet the comedian that Bert is talking about with the bad special is Theo Von. I love Theo's humor from TPW but my goddddddd that special was so hard to watch. I couldn't even finish it. 😪

[@ryant390]

Much better as a natural, quick comeback, dude rather than stand up

[@thestraydog]

He has some great older bits and stories but man... That last special was rough to sit through, it's like it never picked up steam even though Theo was trying to

[@apskate]

@@thestraydog I was getting coke vibes from him tbh ahah

[@thestraydog]

@@apskate Yepp we've all seen that one guy at the party and that's exactly how he was acting!!

[@lizgleason5106]

Robin Williams! No-one was bigger back in the day and continued standup.

[@zionkid420]

Still waiting for a story from Bert that requires beeping out that he hasn't already told in full & uncensored publicly more than once in the past.

[@katuwasa]

How funny is it that this week’s Orcars bs is between Will, Bert’s favorite black dude, and Chris, Tom’s favorite black dude?🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@monkeywang9972]

Tom is going with a true Top Dog tribute with that heavy breathing into to mic for us all to remember the legend

[@mikeharding9472]

I legit can’t stop hearing it🤣🤣🤣 my first thought was how Tom kept getting on Top Dog and now he’s doing the same damn thing!

[@Myersst]

Has Tom addressed Top Dog passing?

[@a.davidh]

Tom just going through the motions while yawning - par for the course

[@Ryan82288]

I miss tom talks

[@BobHatesYoutube]

I know that feel, but I couldn't imagine how fucking busy buns must be lately...

[@McNasty_JP]

Shout out to Chris Rock

[@jussiniemi9560]

"Whatever I say, the opposite is actually true" Great quote from Bret!

[@kinseyclay]

I'm so glad my mugshot is not on there 😂😂😂 I was definitely crying Brent but not to get out of it but cuz i was upset 😂

[@andrewcampbell9mm]

Who else is waiting for Bert to come to Will Smith defense to support the guy who made bert famous

[@HEMi1995]

Why are YMH podcasts so goddamn quiet? I need to blast my phone’s volume to hear anything they say if I’m more than 2 feet from my phone

[@huk-uf7ut]

every episode my disdain for bert grows immensely.

[@virus56777]

Like Carlin, signfeld , carry , balushi, dan akroid, dangerfield, Martin, bill mury, norm , Sample,

[@Tylek10]

Never thought I would hear Tyler1's height mentioned on 2b1c. Lmao

[@Gabbelabbe1111]

lmao, timestamp please!

[@sunbIind]

@@Gabbelabbe1111 +

[@ianmoore6585]

@10:45

[@bwhs32]

When 8 name bleeps are made in the first 25 minutes of a banter show it kinda takes a lot away from the audience

[@calebking707]

Burt is just a fuckin mess 😂 He says he is gonna quit drinking literally every podcast.

[@xbocax16]

That earthquake special may have been one of the most underwhelming specials I’ve ever seen. I don’t see the hysteria about it.

[@Dillonisgone]

My god Brett gives me so much anxiety but you gotta love his heart

[@DaRkw1ngCS2]

unknowingly mentioning Chris Rock and Will Smith mere minutes after each other. I'm not done the episode quite yet, but they better not mention his fucking wife.

[@fatguyonthc]

I’d shit my pants if I ran into Oliver Stone. I grow weed for a living and I grew my first plant in the building Natural Born Killers was filmed in. The veg room was on the north end of the building where Juliette Lewis was dancing next to the juke box. The fake blood splatter from the fat cook was still on the ceiling. Was a cool experience.

[@giarc9047]

Bert ruins every episode these days.

[@CJJC42]

On this episode of Tom Listens

[@Georgiavr-1]

and bert drinks.

[@JeffNixonComedy]

Look, if you’re going to storm the stage and slap my face because I’ve offended you with a joke…don’t forget to spit in my mouth and call me a bad boy tehehe!

[@sativarosegold3604]

This story about Laugh Factory and Earthquake was literally stolen from the Always Sunny episode featuring him, does Booger ever stop lying?

[@chxxrlyhorse]

I've been watching/listening to your standup for at least 10 years now. It was a dream come true watching you live in Tucson. Thanks for coming to our shit hole town! ❤️

[@arcanis12]

Earthquakes special sucked. Hes usually top notch but this one flopped imo. Its a bunch of jokes I've heard 100x from every other older comic. Oh your at the prostate exam, gee original concept there.

[@chrislaurentz8495]

Bert saying "Call me Earthquake" is an incredible line

[@michaelcole8999]

Steve Martin is definitely a superstar. Probably at the top with being a hugely successful (and still kind and humble) musician, comedian, and actor. The guy is a walking talent show, plus he can twist balloon animals. I know from personal experience that simply knowing how to play multiple instruments, or even one instrument and drawing or sculpting, gets a lot of compliments over time. Too many, I have to correct people and tell them that it just took free time and desire or that I don't know how to play an instrument I just learned enough to add it to a recording for one part. People who can tour and film and conquer several are like prophets to me if they are still good people, probably because I'm definitely not successful at any of those, and that includes being a good person.

[@richardwaller4223]

Her eyebrows look like a hawk taking a turn in midair. That shit. Was hilarious. 😂

[@Señor916.Ixpol14]

In this show and maybe life in general Burnt is either drunk/intoxicated or hungover. When Rogan says he’s concerned about a friend that constantly drinks, overweight, and addicted to Xanax, he’s talking about Burnt.

[@Madkalibyr]

Aw, Bart was a sensitive guy friend and it’s awesome

[@NateOfLight]

I'm 98% certain that the prison story involved Joey Diaz

[@NDRonin1401]

Well no, because Brett said he didn't know that guy was in prison. And EVERYBODY knows Coco was in prison.

[@NateOfLight]

@@NDRonin1401 Bart also didn't know that drinking a liter of Kool-Aid a day isn't equal to drinking water and is infamous for not paying attention (at least the character)

[@nickrod5471]

This episode should be called “Please bleep this out too” lol

[@707romo707]

Tom and Bernts comedy is so different. I laugh at Tom’s jokes and I laugh at Bernt.

[@EvilLin_78]

Hoodies on point fellas!! Happy Monday!

[@SailorGreenTea]

I bet Peruvians are the ones to survive a global catastrophe. If they all get into hot air ballooning and like, that would be good. Balloon out of an earth quake, flood, windstorm. It really would be a good plan, hope that helps.

[@happybirthdayyyy]

I bought Bert’s sweater for my gf from target, I love how humble he is.

[@cornelionsqween8028]

And we're not celebrities... I am not a movie star and A list comic and you aren't a bigger comic than me and movie star also... Like, we are not celebrities! I wasn't a tv show host for like a decade either!

[@mattmcgovern2961]

The first 5 minutes of this felt like a highlight reel..

[@rammstein850]

I bet the comedian Tom was talking about with the prison story is Felipe Esparza

[@j.b.1854]

That was the weirdest game of Rock Paper Scissors last night... I get it, paper beats rock, but it should be best 2 out of 3

[@MrBuketman]

Always best out of three. Good call.

[@chadcansler2211]

I’m sure I’m not the first to say this, but this episode I felt it was on display even more than usual. Bert is ADHD personified. I go from being like I wish Bert would just STFU and let Tom speak 3 words to cracking up at him in less the 30 seconds. Listening to Bert on a pod cast is exactly what it would be like to have a full convo with him because you’d never get to speak anyways.

[@The.Adam.D]

….she’s human, you know she could be watching. 🤣🤣🤣 Bert never fails me

[@hermessanchez7955]

Another idiotic moment from burt...oh I had 2 gay friends....must mean they sensed ai was an ally....yeah birt that must be it lol

[@DailyDriftingVirtual]

you're right Enny... hot sauce IS the best

[@yuckfou874]

HEY TOM..... I GOT UR MAN IN THE KITCHEN MAKING ME BLUEBERRY MUFFINS..!!!!!!!

[@6.s.a.m]

Bart totally ruined Jeselnik’s joke 😂

[@andrew-jv7iv]

Could studio jeans build out a kitchen and have Bert film a new season of Something's Burning please.

[@frankjerardenno2678]

Burnt should open with " I think Tom cruise is a genourus lover"

[@hellglaser3450]

Tom cruise fucks fish

[@Simplejackfade]

52:20 mugshawtys

[@jeffmeek7672]

At least Bert knows his life is just all luck