5 Reasons why fearful avoidants are suspicious of other people (even loved ones!)

[@rosestewart1606]

I had to watch this in 2 parts...it was too much for me because it is too true. I am always prepared for my current relationship to end, so prepared that I have done a pre-emptive strike several times. The worst part about this is that he is also FA, and it was by trying to understand him that I figured out myself. We are trying to work things out now, and I had to promise never to leave him again...but every day I'm itching to simply because we are apart and we aren't communicating very much right now. My mind makes me think it would just be better to get out now...but I will keep my promise..m

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing your story❤

[@NatalieBrannon]

I am always hyper vigilant. Thing about us is bc we are soOo observant and analyze energy, expressions, mannerisms etc..we are ALMOST always right about our suspicions!!! I almost always call it for what it is & usually spot on! & even then if i can confront that person & have a honest convo. I usually talk through it but if you dance around the truth & lie i flee its the disrespect for me. Telling the truth is better when dealing with us.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thanks for sharing your experience and being here!

[@MellowBellow1]

I have experienced the hyper vigilance of an FA. And I can absolutely PROMISE you that their suspicions were ALWAYS wrong. The suspicions led to massive false and unsubstantiated accusations that I was lying. Hypervigilance is not healthy in secure situations.

[@MellowBellow1]

Also remember that finding “fault” with others is actually a problem in you created by childhood trauma. It creates distance and alienation. Which is not “safe” when you’re with secure people.

[@amandapearce2755]

This video brought me so much clarity and understanding. No video or therapy breakthrough has helped me like this video has. I had a good cry. Thank you so so much❤

[@aliciaa9470]

I had a deep relationship recently and was on my toes the whole time, waiting for something bad to happen. When I felt secure and finally relaxed, that's when the person hurt me really bad 😅

[@dollophead8718]

This is exactly what happened with my first boyfriend lol. I rejected him at first even though I loved him & he was obsessed and in love with me, but as soon as I was ready to heal and work on our relationship he left me lol. I've noticed that this has become a fear of mine. But we got this!!! Heal for yourself dear, goodluck x

[@philima]

Same. I had big trust issues, fought through them but trusted a manipulative and abusive person. I stayed almost 10 years and in the end he chose himself and his sadistic mindset over me (dangerously so). I can't get over the betrayal. He was the only person I really trusted and he was the worst of them all. I can't get over that and it's been more than three years that I ran from this guy.

[@alexandercoll4863]

@@dollophead8718hmmmm you think your rejection and treatment to your partner had anything to do with it ??

[@coreygeiger81]

I remember as a child, we were at recess in my elementary school. A bunch of my friends found a key lime tree, and we were picking them off. We didn’t know better and didn’t realize we were off property. The coach came up to us and we showed them the fruit. The teacher escorted us off the play ground like criminals and to the principal office. I cried when i realized we were getting in trouble , and my principal told me “don’t start crying now”. I thought my mom would understand when I got home, and she would be on my side. She didn’t bother to listen to me, and proceed spank me instead. That story still bothers me to this day: I hurt and still feel anger because I knew I had to only rely on myself and couldn’t trust people

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Ah Corey, it is heartbreaking when a small child is not believed. These kinds of memories can be core memories, where beliefs were 'installed'. The beautiful thing about EFT is that you can release the emotional charge around the memory, so that you still have the memory, but it has no consequences anymore in your current life. It is ok, and safe, to release this!

[@selenasflowershop728]

Always feeling like if I don’t hear from someone in like at least a week I think they no longer want to be in my life... I think of things I might of done wrong... it’s worse when I’m dating. I assume if they aren’t hmu 24/7 or at least daily they will never talk to me again.. i struggle to be vulnerable and let people fully in because of it. I never get too close, I’d like too but I don’t want to be annoying

[@lisalee6501]

This hit hard. I’m always thinking when and not if a man is going to betray or hurt me, and i’m mad at myself the times it happened with different men where i was feeling positive and happy and treating them well, i later regret not seeing it coming and that i should have been detached from the beginning, not have been vulnerable and happy

[@NickTapp]

I can’t overstate how grateful I am to find this channel. I’m 45 and have thrown away so many healthy relationships that I’ve lost count. The most recent being last week. I typically write out my thoughts on why that person wasn’t good and the things they did, so when I opened my notes app to make the list this time, I finally figured out that I might actually be the problem. So I did some research, and Al thought I knew about attachment theory, I always assumed I was secure. Then I found out about FA and literally EVERY DAMN THING they do and think and feel is what I’m going through in every relationship. I’m not a crier, but I actually cried with gratitude to finally be able to have a name to what I was going through. And I’m committed to healing. Is there a group thread or something I can join? Thank you so much for everything you’re doing. You literally just changed my life. ❤

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

So happy you are here Nick! Welcome :) There is no group thread (would you be so kind to explain what you mean by that? I'm not sure I know what it is!), but there is this wonderful community that comes together in the comment section under these video's!

[@NickTapp]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 of course! Some channels have private group chats on services like WeChat, WhatsApp or Discord where people can share their experiences, thoughts and questions with each other. It would be a great resource, especially when people need to have a support group in real time- and if you add a membership fee you could make some extra money for your efforts! Thanks again for spreading kindness!

[@sears381]

@@NickTapp hi Nick, I just wanted to ask you something given that you are FA. Was it common for you to pull away when the connection was too strong? I dated a FA for 4 yrs and altht I know he deeply loved me and the connection was to absolutely amazing he still couldn't fully commit. Everytime we had an amazing day, connection and deep intimacy he would pull away the next day and disappear for many days just to come back as if nothing happened. I was so confused all the time. Everytime we got closer he pulled back. I'm AP but not clingy or needy, deeply empathetic and caring. Anyway, I finally could take his behavior anymore and left him for good. He begged me to take him back. I left him 6 years ago and he still begs me to take him back. According to him I'm the only person who loved him unconditionally and on a deep level. Sorry to bother you. Just was curious as this is how you behaved in the past given that you are a FA. Cheers and wish you the best in your healing journey!

[@Tobi-pb2fk]

@@sears381 Having myself an FA attachment style, yes connection and deep intimacy trigger some deep wounds in me, i can have many strong emotional and visual feedback coming up, old pain because growing up in a abusive household, connection and intimacy was synonym of harm, so knowing that our body keeps emotional memory, because of the stock memory and years of conditionning of this association, my brain will try to protect me by retreating, it's a normal human reaction to protect our integrity to abuse, so yes after moment of beautiful connection and intimacy, i need to give myself some space afterwards to care for these wounded part of me that are still trap in fear. And i know that for the triggers and pain to come back, the relationship must feel safe enough and have a safe space so that the wounded part show up, when it's not, all of these part are repressed. Hope my answer has help you clear some of your interrogation :)

[@venus67venus]

And the fearful avoidant attachment style is also the one most commonly developed later by big T trauma, like for me I got it because of an intensely traumatic period when I was 14-15

[@koala01111986]

Point 3: expecially when you were the scapegoat of the family, so everything was your fault, even if you didn't do anything and it wasn't your fault at all! One day I got injured (I cut my leg badly) and my brother made up a good story to tell my dad, so that he would have not gotten angry with me.

[@sophskulley]

5:49 I got so used to the degradation , now sometimes don't evens notice when someone is being nasty to me. Other people have to say "oh my god how could you let that person. Treat you like that.

[@MindGymMeditations]

This one made me cry

[@taylor6266]

As a FA I always have this tendency to want to be loved more in the relationship. Like I want my bf to love me more than I love him. So if he acts like he doesn’t want to hangout with me I will panic in my head but my first action will be to stop asking him to hangout in hopes that he will feel the panic that I felt. If he doesn’t text me. I will stop texting him so that he feels like I don’t want to text him and in turn will also feel the panic I feel when he does that to me. Is this a typical FA behaviour. Maybe it’s just cause I want control and security in my relationship so I don’t get hurt? I don’t know

[@MellowBellow1]

When you “compete” for love, you remove the mindful presence you can have to actually feel loved. Because you’re always in “deficit” and you maintain distance through this unresolveable “competition” as well as maintaining your sense of insecurity through finding fault with him. No one will ever be satisfied by a sense of “quantity” of love. You feel empty, due to insecurity and no parent can “fill” that emptiness, because you create it and maintain it. You set you and your partner up to fail, which is why FA’s “know” their partner will leave, failing to see that the FA will push the partner away. To compete like this creates a lose-lose scenario, when there is a win-win. You don’t know that you sabotage because you blur the boundary between self and other. You expect the other to do what you must do. …. So you doom the relationship to fail. This is what FA’s don’t see; the sabotage you create by making the partner responsible for the void within you. The FA is responsible for the void ( as an adult, although it was created by your parents as a child. … but as an adult this is your job to fix, not your partner’s job ). …

[@Nabtono]

I feel like I have two modes: overly trusting and easily forgiving and super hypervigilant. I was incredibly hypervigilant whenever I was with my ex and I realize now I'm not entirely like that when I'm out in the world or with other people. I was constantly hyper aware of my surroundings and flinching at every loud sound, etc. He wasn't a scary person. Never yelled or displayed anger but he was a dismissive avoidant. Looking back, I realize I never did have a solid basis for emotional trust with him. Now that he has actually betrayed me in a deep way and it's been almost 2 weeks of abandonment, I'm back to glossing over that feeling. Can you speak to misplacing trust in untrustworthy people because it's a comfort zone? I've overcome a lot of the pain of betrayal only to be left with the anxious avoidant fear of abandonment & fear of change.

[@DrawntoSeektodraw]

I finally understand! This is what I've been looking for. Understanding what my wife is going through. I have had no idea for months

[@tinywhiskers30]

I recently experienced a betrayal and I been feeling my hurt, my sadness and anger and trying to release it bit by bit through EFT. I am really thankful for Paulien for making videos about that tool and how to use it, it’s really been a life changer :’)❤️

[@caylin8940]

You’re one of the only other people who has stated that we had to make our case. 😢My mom did this whenever I wanted something that she didn’t like, agree with, or didn’t see a value in. I’ve lived most of my life trying to re-word my case in order for it to be acceptable and not to feel judged.

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

Thank you for shedding light on these subtle signs, the next level of Healing is using your wounds to help others heal theirs. I cannot show you how much I'm grateful that you exist

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

I was raised by a FA , so any act of kindness from othrr people sounded like Love bombing to me, It all makes sense now !

[@mr.soundguy968]

In the title you said "even loved ones", but now that I understand the fearful avoidant profile much better, "especially loved ones" would also definitely have covered it

[@petitegreensaruba9059]

Zoooo blij om jou tegen te komen op KZbin 🎉

[@yfoog]

Holy shit this is exactly what I needed to hear

[@bestactress1281]

Thank you Paulien I have been watching many of your videos and just knowing the reaction I am having to seemingly simple life situation is not just me is helping me so much. Thank you so much for the work you have done.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for being here❤

[@lilredheaded1]

Thank you for creating and sharing.

[@Angell_Lee]

It did help me, thank you Paulien! You are an angel xo

[@HotDimez1]

Can you do a video on fearful avoidants and social anxiety? Like where it stems from and how to fix it please :)

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I'll put it on the list!

[@tulip5210]

I love your insightful elaborations!

[@maggieskip1138]

Thank you so much for this helpful video ❤️ Helps me feel understood and accepted!

[@alirh1145]

thank you sooo much this was so helpful

[@lorirobinson4665]

Can you talk about intimacy and the fearful avoidant attachment plz I have alot of problems in this area

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

It's on the list!

[@emyo7256]

You're amazing thank you so much!

[@sylvievachon1020]

How do you learn to trust your partner and not overthink matters .

[@barbdupere3396]

I am seeing a link between suspicion/ fear of rejection, and jealousy (looking for reasons to dislike or mistrust someone). I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I'd love to hear your perspective. Like, if I want to get close to you, but you must be " X " because you have " X ", so you must think " X " about me and think you're better, and that I'm pathetic, so why even bother trying to get close if you think that.

[@plescanbianca1297]

hello, paulien! In the last 2 weeks I've been binge-watching your vids- hehe- and I am so happy to tell you that you have a subscriber as young as 15 yrs old! I'm happy I can heal this thing at such an early point in my life, thanks to you! :> I have a question tho, do you think that having constant thoughts of "I'm not good enough", but also thinking very bad stuff about myself is a way of my fear brain making stuff up trying to protect me or actually true things ? I'm in a healthy relationship (actually, on a break, because my very loving and understandable partner told me I should take some time off for my healing that I told him about) and I am feeling horrible each day because for the last 5-4 days, every time I lay in bed a new very, very bad thought comes to mind, like "What if I only like him because he likes me? ", "Why can't I just love him for who he is?", "Maybe I just love him because I feel like his love is valuable, and it's making me feel valuable", "Am I scared to break up with him because I'll hurt his feelings or am I more scared of being a bad person?" and SO ON... I have been resisting healing because I'm so afraid to find out it's not actually the fearful-avoidant attachment style, it's just that I don't love him, which makes me sick to think of. I also don't think I have trust issues... I am just not trusting myself. I'm not afraid he'll hurt me, I'm afraid I'll hurt him. But I have experienced the sudden need to shut down when getting too close, and I'm afraid I can't commit to him. I also have ROCD and all the signs, but I'm still... afraid. What if I don't really love him, but only that he loves me? I'm on my healing journey, and I'd be so grateful to hear some advice from you, if possible, I'd really appreciate it.

[@lizzzarduh]

I hope your journey is going well! Wish you would have gotten a reply

[@plescanbianca1297]

@@lizzzarduh it's like a rollercoaster and I still live in fear, and we're still in separation, but I know that at some point everything will be ok! Wether or not I love him, I'm learning to choose myself because I've been obsessing over him lately and I've noticed how little I cared about myself. Are you in a similar journey?

[@olyabulatova3777]

I went from obsessive doubts about my compatability with my partner, to fear of abandonment recently. This fear also comes with me feeling like any affection he shows me he doesn’t actually want to do it and it doesn’t mean he actually loves me. Before he did because he was like obsessed with me whereas now sometimes I feel like he does it not because he craves it but because he knows I want it and that makes me feel like he doesn’t love me. Is this a normal thing? Could you please do a video on it? Also thank you so much for everything that you do, your videos have been helping me so much (I only realised I have fearful avoidant attachment style last weekend and it’s been a journey already😵‍💫)

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I will make a video on this!

[@olyabulatova3777]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you!!!!!

[@MereMakeup29]

Hi! Can you do a video about navigating early stages of dating as a fearful avoidant? I find it so hard to open up and not let my attachment style seep into dating once I get past the first few surface level dates. Once I feel they could deepen, I get super anxious and my guard goes up with what all could go wrong, abandonment, ect. On the other hand it seems too soon to communicate all this to them. I don’t want to come off as unhinged and scare them away. Thanks in advance love your videos! :)

[@annawolf4917]

I always find something that my partner does wrong or has that I dont like. Is it normal to judge your partner and thinks that this is why i should leave him.

[@okrathemountain]

Oh... I am collecting evidences all the time...

[@Ridingrules10000]

So much of this sounds familiar.

[@MellowBellow1]

With all respect; I think some parents/people gain a lot of a false sense of power in making other people “feel worthless”. I think it IS done with intent to abuse and hurt. ( obviously not everyone). But a great many parents are abusive and intend to hurt. They are not trying to “prepare” their children for the world, they are displaying cruelty to their children because they like it.

[@thehappiness2741]

Thank you for all your effort but i have a question Is that applied also to the family members to be suspicious about bytraying or (what ifs) related to them? Or in other words afraid of being shocked about them to discover someghnig bad about them or threaning your trust in them even though they are so kind and loving ? especially after a toxic (situationship relationship that explodes all if those suspicious feellings)?

[@tswitch86]

How do I stop being so obsessed with a girl that has given up on me for the way I act from being FA? I just learned about this and I’m just now starting my journey to heal. But there is a girl that I think? I was/are in love with and she is all I think about, I tried to explain what is wrong with me but the damage is already done and now she doesn’t talk to me but I work near her and I really need to know how to let this go… I can’t work, or sleep, or function. Plz help

[@theblackandwhitecate]

I recognize all of this.

[@MindGymMeditations]

Betrayal is a massive one for me. It's why I feel like I attract guys that cheat

[@tinywhiskers30]

I’m glad you made a video talking about this!! It’s so relieving to know other people experience this!! I don’t think I have ever been relaxed ever🥲

[@SaminSays]

i thought it was just my scorpio rising lol

[@moulee7448]

Me toooo

[@pooterpan8075]

Could you explain why I constantly feel the need to other people's problems or get obsessed someone else's life?

[@melissahopkins1689]

It’s to avoid your own problems. It’s a coping mechanism.

[@salemskris]

I'm not sure if there was a video made on this, but is there any tips for how to handle these core wounds when they aren't only exclusive to childhood? I was so afraid of being betrayed or being suspicious, and it sucks when it *does* end up happening at some point later in life. It's difficult because part of me is aware it's from childhood, but another part of me is traumatized as well from experiencing these things from ex-friends, partners, etc. within adulthood. It ends up re-confirming wounds that I already have.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I made a video about healing core wounds! you can find it here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z3e2f2qAnN2kbac

[@daryusi9347]

trust no one