50 Jokes (Yes...actually 50 jokes)

[@FooBarBash]

"What's the difference between a park bench and a writer. A park bench can support his family." Omg, I bet John must love that one xD.

[@tootall2992]

Did you hear about the kidnapping in school?!... It's ok, he woke up.

[@chibiprussia5574]

What did the Chemist say when Sulfur, Phosphorous, Oxygen, Sodium, and Hydrogen walked in his lab? OH SNaP! Sorry, all the good ones Argon

[@tootall2992]

Did you hear the joke about the german sauage?... they're the wurst.

[@riyabiya4]

Chibi Prussia U literally made me die XD

[@chibiprussia5574]

Riya Vyas Thanks. I was dead serious.

[@AzuraBieber]

Chibi Prussia I see what you did there. XD

[@DiscerningScientist]

There are 10 types of people in the world: those that can read binary, those that can't, and those that didn't expect this joke to be in base three.

[@storyofsarah]

Thank you for that.

[@lalabhaifhotografar754]

Shelby Isa good night

[@NStripleseven]

Niiiice...

[@psibarpsi]

My God! This was good!

[@nishantray3207]

+

[@owent.2306]

The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

[@NaruTheBlackSwan]

There are four types of people in the world, those who are surrealists, those who are scientists, those who are John Green, and those who are not the butt of Hank Green's jokes.

[@start-a-riot]

Why was 6 afraid of 7? I assume it's because 7 is a prime number and prime numbers can be intimidating.

[@Anna-np3ti]

You're my favorite

[@AwesomeSauce7176]

+PandaProductions Well really it's because seven is a six offender

[@dogonit1936]

+AwesomeSauce7176 i was gonna say that >:(

[@dogonit1936]

+AwesomeSauce7176 not because i scrolled down i saw it on numberphile

[@plantsandbooks52]

THANK YOU I THOUGHT THE SAME THINF WHEN HE SAID THAT

[@emr-tm7ej]

two fish are swimming in a river...one hits a concrete wall. the other one says dddaaaammmm

[@AishaIdrees34]

hahahaha XD

[@amyk6869]

NEW JOKE: Math in Therapy. THERAPIST: Why are you so sad, math? MATH: I have so many problems. THERAPIST: Why don't you reunite with your X? MATH: She was never constant to me.

[@HeftyOwl]

our relationship was never constant

[@hannahblanchsky9681]

Just started watching the Vlogbrothers. Now I'm crying with laughter. How the heck did that happen?

[@abbiebryant8548]

The writer and the park bench.....damn hank

[@jakelastname9545]

1- "Did you hear about oxygen's new girlfriend?" 2- "No, who is she?" 1- "Hydrogen." 2- "OH."

[@MRS4EVA]

"Do you know how to drive this thing?" It took me over three years to get that joke. I'm not even kidding.

[@alwinpriven2400]

I got it in 2 seconds!

[@Deen532]

Whats it mean?

[@alwinpriven2400]

TheNutellaLord the fish are sitinig in a tank (tank can mean fish tank and war tank)

[@MRS4EVA]

They're in a military tank, instead of a fish tank. That's pretty much the joke.

[@fionncoyne]

MRS4EVA LoL my geography teacher made that joke in class,and we were like oh god why XD

[@RhysJudicata]

Did you hear about what happened to Augustus Waters? He's Okay now.

[@jessicadennison4573]

Too soon man, too soon...

[@kateelbows8240]

I also heard Issic went blind. I guess he was just eyesick.

[@pianofluteflute]

YoU GUYS NeED To SToP

[@peeboe]

What do you call a pleasant nutella? Hazel Grace

[@StarrTheWitch]

Ahskdmaisjsb GUYSSSS!!! NO!

[@jayan.s.1672]

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? Make a seizure salad!

[@minefilms1122]

little timmy took a drink but he will drink no more, cuz what he thought was H2O was H2SO4

[@bauchbart]

What is red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.

[@randompastahandle]

Why?

[@yingtaros]

"it smells like updog in here" "what's updog?" "nothing much"

[@joshuahadams]

It's surprising how often that works.

[@mephostopheles3752]

+Josh Adams And yet, I have never gotten it to work...

[@mikki3208]

Anybody need an ark? I Noah guy. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? If olive oil is made of olives, what's baby oil made of? I need a new butt cause mine has a crack in it. Sorry, I know these are bad but that's why I find them hilarious XD

[@lindseyclair921]

Goodness. The widescreen thing makes so much more sense when watching in chronological order.

[@barakah08]

Grandson calls 911 Police-911 what's your emergency Grandson- I need help my grandmother passed out in the living room and she's not breathing Police- Well, I guess it's not the living room anymore.....

[@MegaSqueakymouse]

I feel like that last joke was directed to John.

[@ValDominator]

John has 5 mil

[@monkeyfishlalala]

he hesitated :'D

[@oliviagonzales4915]

MegaSqueakymouse As a writer I found it horrifically amusing, and I assume John felt the same. Ah, it's a low income life for us!

[@onismbeloved]

Yeah if you listen closely he says john just kidding

[@ash-im6kv]

I'm female. Fe=Iron Male=Man I'm Iron Man!

[@ash-im6kv]

Jeanny Tse actually it's fe...

[@68corvette08]

What makes me mad is that you didn't say "I am Iron Man".

[@AshleyDCHS2011]

Love your face after the "How to avoid bad knock knock jokes" joke. It always gives me a giggle

[@jamescr101]

"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? .....fish....." Wait, what?

[@Quintinohthree]

Surrealist jokes.

[@jakelastname9545]

Oxygen and Magnesium are back together! OMG!

[@chibiprussia5574]

+Jake Moyer (yourtvbananas) Na. That's NOt Possible!

[@bradleyanderson1750]

But O is has a negative oxidation # -1 and positive numbers are first.

[@JeremiahIype]

+Jake Moyer (yourtvbananas) But she had a brief stint with Potassium. It was OK.

[@BrandonTschetter]

"There's 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't." And those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.

[@Eliza-98]

2008 Hank is such a wonderfully geeky treasure. If a personality could be put in a time capsule :)

[@MarianahsTrenchGal1]

God damn, I was 11 when I first watched this. I'll be 26 in a few months.

[@abbydempsey1540]

What is the definition of irony? A battle between a redshirt and a stormtrooper. The stormtrooper can't hit any of its' targets and the redshirt still dies.

[@compositestechbb9087]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?....uhh 789?...no, 6 Googled 7 and learned he was a registered 6 offender

[@laragotham3857]

compositestechbb i assume its because 7 is a prime number and prime numbers can be intimidating

[@CaSCHWANK]

compositestechbb hahahahahahahaha

[@antiantiderivative]

#Numberphile

[@chocolatecake1390]

Dammit I just about to comment this

[@fernandorubio3444]

+compositestechbb I see this everywhere but just don't get it😨😩

[@IzzyTheGerbil]

What god do mice worship? Cheesus! (I made that up when I was about 6 okay leave me alone!)

[@aaronjohnson4195]

This joke is a bit cheesy.

[@Unitedgeeksofthesea]

I see your profile image is Cheesus.

[@mamaskunk6865]

•It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally •A Higgs boson particle runs into church and says, "Wait! You can't have mass without me!" •I could tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it. •I could tell you a TCP joke, but it would take too long. •I prefer IP jokes; it’s all in the delivery.

[@mariannetfinches]

Hank's standup career. 14years in the making

[@coglineerro730]

How do you know if an elephant is in your fridge? Footprints in the butter. How many elephants fit in a Mini? Two in the front, two in the back. How many giraffes fit in a Mini? None, it is full of elephants. How do you know if there are two elephants in your refrigerator? There are two sets of footprints in the butter. How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge? The door won't close. How can you tell if there are four elephants in your refrigerator? There's an empty Mini outside. How can you get two whales in a car? Drive to the aquarium. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees.

[@papamouse5231]

If elephants paint their toenails red to hide in cherry trees, how do you know it works? Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

[@seajay632]

How do you get two whales in a car? Drive over the Severn Bridge! (Yanks won't get that one 🤣)

[@acatonasnowboard21]

The genuine glee after the 'how do you get a kleenex to dance' - 'you put a little boogie in it' was just adorable!

[@ginkomian2244]

This was my very first introduction to the Green bros. Love you two. Wishing the best Hank.

[@kirram5245]

My favorite joke of all time is, why did the chicken cross the mobias strip? To get to the same side!

[@MYSTICWOLFZOMBIE]

what do you call a bone that´s dislocated? A loose connection!

[@emmaleegagnon9894]

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math, and those who aren't.

[@AnnieWhovian]

Why was Colin Baker afraid of Sylvester McCoy? Because Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann, Christopher Eccleston

[@jaypillsbury843]

Why was McCoy afraid of McGann? Because McGann, Hurt, Eccleston

[@AnnieWhovian]

ok, thats a good one! XD

[@oldyt4599]

I have found the Whovians :)

[@aeoes]

Yes. Just, yes.

[@TheVoiceinTheDarkness]

Whoivans!!!!!

[@Fa1c0]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we have a drink named after you' and the grasshopper says, you have a drink named, Kwai Chang Caine?

[@mofftatt]

i'm dying at the dirtiest farm animal joke omfg that was amazing :'D

[@amy98766]

was it just me or did hank sound really sexy when he said it

[@liftlash98]

am it was the accent

[@BethanieBailey]

If the king keeps his armies in his sleevies, then he must keep his leggies in his... panties xDD

[@katesingleton9725]

Approximately 3years ago this video was my procrastination for one of my first senior exams in high school. 3years later its returned to my life for my first university exam. I LOVE THIS TOO MUCH. cant believe i forgot.

[@aslanearley5965]

i told my sister the joke where it says 'a guy got his left side cut off but he's all right now' and then my sister said 'he can't be all right because there's some left' she realised what she said and we all laughed

[@chloeschueppert8785]

there are 3 types of people, those who can count and those who can't

[@Ndasuunye]

I never heard any of these jokes before and their HILARIOUS....I'm using these.

[@spoopy132]

***** maybe you should stay in school. You obviously have plenty of free time.

[@magmochiladelgofres6248]

you have never heard of the 7 8 9 joke???

[@Ndasuunye]

Maggie K oh I hear the "seven "ate" 9" joke, but he used a different one.

[@Fluid_McCree]

guys how do you know that the kid who started this thread isn't in like First grade.

[@naniccabe]

Ndasuunye wow i though he say "because 7 aint 9" and give it a total different meaning -if you know what i mean-

[@imTEHninja1]

This video is the only reason people think I'm funny. No joke I've been using these for 12 years. Happy new years I guess

[@geographconcept7523]

Happy new years!

[@gammaray4691]

So a man walks into a vets office and says "I brought a stool sample" the doctor replies "Mind if I sit on it?"

[@MineMurphydog]

No! The ratio between a pumpkins circumference and its radius is pumpkin tau, pumpkin pi is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter!

[@mostly_harm1ess]

Lol, I noticed that too. Still a great video though

[@arianas9831]

Who made king Arthur's round table...? Sir Cumference.

[@elisathegreat]

My Physical Science teacher told our class the brown chicken brown cow joke my freshman year. I will now forever wonder if he was a Nerdfighter.

[@longertones]

Why is Christopher Eccleston afraid of Paul McGann? Because McGann, Hurt, Eccleston.

[@slipknotfatman]

That was awful......truly....truly.....awful

[@deannaandreschefski14]

was was 9 mad at 10? Because 10 lost 9's rose (i'm so sorry)

[@Micavich]

How many Whovians does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,000. One to change the bulb and 999,999 to say that although the new bulb is ok, the one they grew up on was better.

[@BFedie518]

That politician one is relevant more than ever.

[@onismbeloved]

Why is 6 afraid of seven Cuz 7 is a register 6 offender

[@That_Ozian]

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a prime number and those are intimidating

[@onismbeloved]

That Ozian bravo bravo

[@acegardner2966]

Mia Karlsson Why is 9 afraid of 8? Because McGann Hurt Eccleston

[@onismbeloved]

U are my favorite human now

[@LeighFae]

This was the first Vlogbrothers video I ever watched. I subscribed immediately. Minutes spent regretting this decision? Zero. :)

[@jardinhope6717]

The 'brown chicken, brown cow' Hank moment is my favorite of all the Hank moments

[@willegan1823]

+TheJordynator3000 I literally only got that because the original phrase was frequently used by Tucker from Red vs. Blue.

[@cheskasilayan]

Can never have too much pirate jokes.

[@ValDominator]

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? 1, but they have to do it while you are eating dinner

[@harishchawda7549]

Jokes in hindi

[@leelee1782]

when widescreen videos were something to be excited about *sighs* oh 2008, how I have missed you so

[@wellduhstupid]

Because 7 is a prime number, and prime numbers can be intimidating.

[@Walkop]

"I got a Bounty on me' head" "Because he was _stapled_ to the *first* one!" 😂 xD

[@sheaelliott942]

Madeleine Vogelaar You now have 7 likes on your comment... Are you intimidated?

[@Walkop]

…😶

[@Kahadi]

there are three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't what's more gross, a puppy or the son of a grocery store owner? the son, he's a little grocer why did pirates have so many piercings? because it only cost a buccaneer what did the Toy Story martians say to the newspaper? take me to your reader

[@Lanadeloveee]

THE WRITER ONE OMG I BET HE REGRETTED THAT

[@NSNXBieberXGreyson]

oh my gosh...I saw this video like 3 years ago and thought it was hilarious. I had no idea that three years later I would be addicted to Hank and John...

[@kalojiostuff]

DAMN THAT LAST ONE THO HANK HAS NO CHILL 😂

[@javeriaiqtidar9776]

A park bench can support a family. HAHA JOHN.

[@jorgeleft3281]

When I read the description I thought the video would be jokes about the number 50

[@strawberrymoonphased]

OH MY GAWD! It's HANK FROM SCI SHOW!! I watched this video with my brother SO MANY YEARS AGO! I didn't even realise!!! Wow! What a small world! 😊 Edit: I didn't actually look at the channel name- I was just going through my favourites from years ago and clicked on this video and went 'oh my gosh, it's Hank!' Later I realised this is on the same channel as his other videos!

[@Nax_uthala]

What do Vampires and Werewolves have in common? They both love one girl

[@Nax_uthala]

lol

[@staticrodent]

This reminded me of the "dumb jokes that are funny" over at The Oatmeal, and this is the one that broke me: What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large!

[@LarryTL]

You got a drink named Larry?

[@JillH1995]

If you're watching old vlogbrothers videos in order from past to present, you just saw Willy falling off a couch immediately followed by Hank falling off his chair. It's those kinds of things that make watching all these (again) worth it.

[@anneb5734]

I loved the agnostic, dyslexic, and insomniac joke hahahaha

[@kiasuten]

I could watch this 1,000 times and still laugh out loud every time.

[@macncheesetv9816]

That last joke though. John green needs alovera because he just got BURRRRRRNES

[@KBaldiga93]

Lol, I'm sorry, but Hank you are just to precious. PLEASE MAKE MORE OF THESE!!!!

[@percymartinez5673]

What did one wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner.

[@sabaripaulmajumder5196]

He was soo freagging cute nd young nd handsome nd smart😭😭😢 Edit: still is though

[@primrose7118]

billy is a chemist son but now he is no more. what he thought was h20(water) was h2so4 (sulfuric acid)😂

[@angrybubbles3337]

It took me 12 year years to get some of these

[@MSTe98]

This is wonderful! I was laughing so much; What's the difference between a writer and a park bench? A park bench can support a family.

[@maiatrafton]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? It wanted to get to the bottom >:D

[@jamesforrest275]

i was going to say some jokes about women, but you'll never get them

[@bslaornadhe]

The first vlogbrothers video I ever saw... I found this channel on a day in 2008 when I was feeling sad so I looked up jokes on KZbin. I'm so glad I did.

[@Tide2375]

Me: Knock knock You: Who's there? Me: Ow You: Ow who? Me: I didn't know you were a werewolf!

[@Rocky100fl]

How do you make antifreeze? You take away her nightie! How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her!

[@kath_themythicalbeastlinks380]

What do you call a tour with alligators? Alligatour

[@LadyLexyStarwatcher]

I think Hank is my favourite of the two Green brothers, not to say I don't like John, I mean... It's all relatives.

[@TheHotPixel]

Here is a joke. You ready. MY SOCIAL LIFE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

[@legocarlinistXIII]

person 1: I have a knock-knock joke but you have to start it. person 2: Ok, knock-knock, person 1: who's there? person 2: ...?

[@jacksonhilton617]

What do politicians and sperm have in common? They both have a 1 in 500,000-600,000 chance of becoming a human.

[@HarryPStuff]

The one about dying peacefully in your sleep...like your grandfather. Killed me. Just killed me. I'm dead.

[@green4free]

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

[@green4free]

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed". The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong". The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

[@green4free]

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?” The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.” The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

[@green4free]

Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance

[@green4free]

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

[@green4free]

sudo su && [ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf / || echo *Click*

[@miatra4954]

i put barium and sodium in my blender this morning and i got a BaNaNa i know its bad im working on it

[@viridian1228]

One scientist to another: "I was mixing barium with the dubble of sodium and the lab ape went crazy!" "Well, he probably thought you were making a BaNaNA." (Sorry, this one might be even worse xP)

[@hollygarfield123]

NINE YEARS AGO

[@1drkstr]

how many counselors does it take to change a lightbulb? none, they just start a 'living with darkness' support group.

[@amyshaw893]

why is six afraid of seven? because 7 is a six offender!

[@fakename3474]

What do you call dairy cow in a earthquake. A milkshake

[@DegrassiFans97]

The "10 types of people in the world" joke doesn't actually work out loud, because the sound "ten" refers to the value after our value nine, (always this many //////////) no matter what base, while "10" does not. You could however say "there are one-zero types of people in the world", but then it becomes pretty obvious

[@CheeseypiPlays]

That's the joke. 1-0.

[@albertjackinson]

It is 10:07 p.m on April 1st, 2021. This is the Watching History of Vlogbrothers. Here are my general thoughts so far: I could tell Hank was having so much fun with this! Also, yes, this is now in my list of favorite Vlogbrothers videos. NOTE: My favorite jokes were about binary and the one about pi and i; said starting at 1:22 and 1:29 respectively.