6 Steps To Reduce Sibling Rivalry | Wellbeing

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Here's a way to think about this. You will notice that I often use the analogy of a boss treating coworkers differently. This is because this seems like an analogy that many people (but of course, not everybody) can relate to. Try not to get personally involved in every single little squabble between your children. Now, if it seems likely that somebody will be injured, then of course you need to step in. But think of it this way. How would you feel if every time you had a conflict with a coworker, your boss stepped in? Now think about how you would feel if one of your coworkers was being physically aggressive, and your boss didn't step in. Plus, if you step in for every single little argument, then how are your children going to learn how to work out interpersonal conflicts on their own? How are they going to get along in the world when you are not there to help them with every single conflict? If you DO step in, try to come off like you are neutral, and not taking sides. Now, if physical aggression is involved, then the person who is behaving in that way needs to be dealt with right then, but think of it this way. How would you feel if you had a conflict with a coworker, and your boss talked to you about your behavior toward the coworker, but didn't try to hear your side of the story? Instead of saying, "That's not nice to talk to your sibling that way," or, "I think that hurts your sibling's feelings," you can say something like, "Amy, Jared, let's all step away for a few minutes, and then let's talk about what happened when we are all calm, because I want to know more about what happened." Now, I know you might think that this is teaching kids that they are allowed to talk to everybody however they want, but what it might (not saying it is or will) actually be teaching kids is to say, "why don't you and I both take a few minutes to calm down, before things get out of hand." Now, your kids might (not saying they will) give different accounts on the situation. For example, they might say things like, "Ava punched me," "yeah, but Ryan was playing with my dolls, and I didn't tell him it was ok." You can then say, "ok, so it sounds like you two have different accounts on the situation." You can then add, "Ryan, you know that it's only ok to touch other people's things if they say it's ok. Ava, was there anything else you could have done instead of punching your brother?" Try as hard as you can to be consistent with rules and discipline. Now, not everybody (yes, children are people too) responds in the same manner to the same discipline methods, and this means that the tactics that may not be enough for one child might be too harsh for another. But think of it this way. How would you feel if you knew about your boss letting more junior coworkers off easy for their behaviors (ex. showing up 1/2 an hour late three times in one month, goofing off at times other than break, before they clock in, or after they clock out, making certain comments to coworkers or customers), because those coworkers hadn't been with the company for as long as you had? And yet, when you were more junior with the company, this very same boss would have docked your pay or written you up for even the slightest infraction (ex. clocking in one minute late even once, goofing off at times other than break time, before, or after your shift, making one comment that was even the slightest bit rude or hurtful)? Now, your boss might realize that it was mainly his or her anxiety, being newer to his or her position, or lack of experience in a position of such high authority, but you might see it as favoritism toward the more junior employee. Well, that's how your kids might be (not saying they are) feeling. They might be thinking, "these are the very same parents/guardians who would have put me in time out for even the slightest infraction when I was younger, and now they are have only told my sibling that they aren't supposed to do that?! THAT'S NOT FAIR! My parents must love my sibling more than they love me!" Try as hard as you can to be consistent with privileges. This means that if your younger children complain about not being allowed to stay up as late as their siblings, don't give in, and let them go to bed at the same time as the older children, but instead, try to empathize with them. Think of it this way. How would you feel if you knew about your boss simply granting more junior employees privileges and honors that you were told needed to be earned, and were reserved for employees who had a certain level of seniority with the company? Now think about how you would feel if you knew about the privileges and honors that certain employees received, simply because they had more seniority with the company, and had done whatever they needed to do to earn it. Maybe if the younger ones say something to you about the privileges your older ones receive, you can say, "I know, you wish you were allowed to stay up later, and when you are older, and don't need as much sleep, you will get to stay up later too. When your sister was younger, and needed more sleep, we sent her to bed earlier too."

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