Access Your Anger | Hayley Ep 5

A common misconception is that anger is a “bad” emotion. But in its purest form, anger is our life force energy rising up and standing up for our boundaries, along with the power behind us stepping forward for the things that matter most to us in life. We need our anger and to unlock its potential for living our best life. This is just some of what Hayley and I get into in this week’s episode…
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[@charmaineallen158]

Anger is a great emotion. It is the fire in your belly that changes the course and allows action. You can feel it rise and know your boundaries have been broken. Then just be aware of how you reflect that anger. Great stuff Alex and Hayley.

[@hayley1473]

thanks Charmaine …really interesting what you said about anger being a great emotion …Thank you :) x

[@hayley1473]

sorry ..that was supposed to be a smiley face at the end …came out a bit funny 😄

[@thescapegoatclub]

Hayley, you are the kind of hero we need in our world. You show up to deal with stuff, regardless of how hard it is. It’s not glitzy but it’s real. That’s what counts, so thank you for doing it and sharing it. Inspiring ❤

[@hayley1473]

aww…your comment made me cry in a good way . I so appreciate your loveliness ❤

[@thescapegoatclub]

@@hayley1473 thank you! I really, really hope you’re ok. This episode was hard for me as it resonated on so many levels. I so want a peaceful, healthy and safe future for you ❤❤❤

[@hayley1473]

@@thescapegoatclub thank you ..sending you love and thank you for your amazing support ❤😊❤

[@louisepoulton6441]

Keep going Hayley, your journey resonates with me, I have been where you are at and am coming out the other side now. And watching you, I am still learning new things. The work isn't easy, it's not plan sailing and it does get easier and is so worth it. You've got what it takes, it takes a lot of courage sharing your journey. You're an inspiration, and I believe in you.

[@hayley1473]

Aww Louise I appreciate that so much ! Feeling a bit battered this past couple of days and your comments are really encouraging . thank you …i shall press on ❤ . Yes its interesting about learning new things isnt it …always an on going process . thanks x

[@louisepoulton6441]

@@hayley1473 I hear you sweetheart, where you can try and do things that are kind to yourself. Even if it's a cup of tea, getting fresh air or playing relaxing music. Whatever helps you to feel calm. Listening to Episode 6, when you got up and walked away made me think. "How could I better manage my own situation. So, I just wanted to say thank you for that. x

[@hayley1473]

@@louisepoulton6441 thank you 😊 ❤❤

[@rachel8219]

Thank you both. Another session that really resonated with me. Hayley - you are strong and courageous. You are a loving individual who has the strength to stand up for the amazing person you are. Being you is enough. Alex - thank you for the way you speak to Hayley and guide her, it reassures me about my own path and that I’m not broken.

[@mrsg9929]

Hayley, I hope you read this..Alex can you make sure she sees this. Tears came into my eyes when you desribed the little girl who stood up when everyone else sat down. I think for me and others watching this, this is stunning because what comes across is that you are a beautiful, empathic, loving, caring individual. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Believe it!!!! Don't take on the beliefs and manipulation of others around you. You are not blind, they are!!! Blessings, Ter

[@hayley1473]

hi - i keep answering but my comments keep disappearing 😆. Third time lucky ? Thank you so much . thank you . i send you love ❤ x x thank you xx

[@sonyfield9869]

Thank you Hayley for your courage and openess! This episode also resonated with me. I am literally scared to feel anger...I was not allowed to be angry, to feel anger, to express. When my mom got angry, my dad would ignore her, shut down or say: the one who is shouting is wrong, only smart people give way and dont shout. If I expressed anger my mom would get on top of me getting angrier. that scared me much. So I held it in. Also, I wanted to be smart, have approval by my dad, he always seemed sooo calm. Today I can see that he can´t feel or express his feelings at all. My mom on the other hand felt and expressed uncontrollable, which scared me and made me feel unsave, so I spend most of my time in my room, also holding feelings back. I found it interessting to feel anger vs. throw anger at someone. It is a big difference!

[@hayley1473]

yes your comments are so interesting …i need to read them back when i’m not so tired ( bit over tired right now) , but yes …a lot of what you are saying is really interesting . I will re read . thank you . Sending you peace and love x

[@helenacoles7960]

Thanks again Alex and Hayley for a great session. Hayley, you are anything but stupid! You have so much knowledge and lived experience, and can explain things so clearly. You are amazing!

[@hayley1473]

thank you Helena . lovely of you to say . I never think i make any sense and i can never remember what i said .🤦‍♀🤣 its funny watching them back , but so so very useful as i can keep learning from them . Priceless ! Thank you for your encouragement ❤😊 x

[@evelinel.9827]

I had to work on repressed anger so much to now naturally have anger come up and for me to feel anger in my body and have it help me stick up for myself and firmly put down a boundary. It works but some of us have to put in a lot of work to get out anger repression. (I learned how to do it with the help of the tools of through Kiloby Inquires). Some say that it is the repressed anger that leads to CFS and Fibro, chronic pain, etc..

[@ff2548]

It just hit me - CFS - when it started and when it died down - it makes complete sense now. Lightbulb moment 💡Thank you for sharing this aspect and for your all your comments.

[@hayley1473]

very , very interesting Eveline ..i think i still have so much work to do on it …its something i just dont feel at the mo . Thank you for your thoughts . Well done on the work you have done ! Thanks for sharing your thoughts . its appreciated 😊

[@hayley1473]

@@ff2548 ❤❤

[@anta3612]

Hi Alex and Hayley. So much familiar ground in this session. My relationship with my parents was similar to Hayley's in the sense that they never acknowledged my accomplishments. I was always the bad one (scapegoat) and worked hard for many years to gain their approval without success. I've since learned that refusing to give someone our approval (when they deserve it of course) or acknowledge them is a form of control/manipulation. My parents have passed on, but my sister still does it with me. Also, no matter how much time, energy or money I've invested in my family (parents and siblings) none of it counts. They treat me like I don't care even though I ended up making myself sick from taking on their problems (never ending, always a crisis to respond to). They hated it when I started to learn about boundaries and put them in place. I had no choice; I had to for my own survival. No amount of explaining my reasons made any difference. They were enraged because how dare I stop playing the role they had chosen for me (the one who has to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the family and whose job it is to fix it, raged at when unable to fix it and taken for granted when able: never appreciated or acknowledged). There have been suicide threats from one of my family members too (because according to her I didn't care) but I knew they were empty threats: a manipulation to draw me back into the dance. By that time, I'd had enough distance, therapy as well as experience with setting boundaries to recognise it for what it was. However, in her eyes I had just committed the biggest crime of all (I mentioned gently that she should seek counselling which was interpreted as me being an evil and cold-hearted b*tch and all the nasty things the other family member say about me is true). Like Hayley I have a deep sorrow because I care for all of them deeply, want them to be happy and well and bent over backwards tending to their needs for many years. I realise that they have a fear of abandonment and there have been times when I've felt cruel for standing my ground. It's difficult when you have a tender heart. However, like Hayley I have gone through too much to turn back so I continue to stand my ground. I totally understand you, Hayley. I don't think I've wished I could reach through the screen and hug someone so much as I have watching this video. Sending you much love Hayley. ❤

[@hayley1473]

thank you once again An Ta for your amazing comments and reply ❤ . Every time i construct a reply and try to post it , it seems to not appear on the comments . The shorter ones do …but i wrote a massive one below on another comment and it just disappeared 🤦‍♀🤣 . Thank you for yours though . i always come back to re read them as there is so much in them thank you . I will keep re reading yours and love back to you thank you ❤❤ I am sorry for what you have been through and i see your strength and sending love , power and peace back to you . thank you for sharing your story and for the help you have given me . Much love ❤❤ keep well xx

[@anta3612]

@@hayley1473 Hi Hayley, no worries about the lost post. You're doing amazingly! Well done on all your hard work and it is hard work because I know from my own experience. It is very much worth it, though, and over time it does get easier. It's been an honour and a privilege to see your journey and am happy if I'm able to give you any amount of encouragement I can. These videos are helping me immensely. They make me reflect more objectively on my own journey. I've been thinking about what Alex said about anger. I get what he's saying, and I think I understand where you are coming from as well. When you have a caring and compassionate heart it can feel unjust to get angry at people who we can clearly see are damaged. I remember that there was a time when I couldn't feel anger but, through therapy, I realised that actually, deep down inside, I was very angry. However, on some level I felt ashamed/guilty for it and on another I didn't feel I had the right to be angry (because those I was angry at were damaged/had suffered). Then through therapy I learned that it's ok to be angry. I learned that since anger can be an explosive emotion (it's self-preservation) and had often been used aggressively against me, as a peace loving and gentle person, it felt unnatural to allow myself to be angry since I'd associate it with destructive behaviour. However, like Alex said, while anger is a natural emotion there are healthy ways to express it (ways that don't harm ourselves or others) but when it remains buried it can fester and cause damage to ourselves and, as compassionate people, we'd rather suffer ourselves than see others suffer especially those we love. But at the end of the day, it comes down to the myths we've been taught about anger. For me it initially felt unnatural; I had so much repressed anger that when I first let the lid off it kind of exploded (not destructively towards others just had very intense and uncomfortable emotions that scared me and wasn't sure how to manage them). I came to understand that the reason I feared getting in touch with my anger was because I thought it would hurt others but that wasn't the case and by not getting in touch with it, I wasn't protecting others (my role had always been protecting others), I was only hurting myself. This was a huge revelation which helped me to gradually become more comfortable with those feelings and was eventually able to find some balance. Now, going forward, I'm more in touch with my feelings in general and deal with any new anger immediately and then I move on (holding onto anger isn't healthy either: once it's served its purpose, we can just let it go). One of the reasons I found it difficult to feel anger towards my family (even though it was there) is because I know that they all have abandonment issues. Both my parents became orphans when very young (during the war so very traumatic) and therefore didn't really know how to parent and passed the responsibility over to me mostly because they hadn't had role models themselves. I understand this however, like Alex said, it's so crucial to understand where our responsibility begins and where it ends. My parents should have been responsible for me not the other way around. I know they didn't do it out of malice, and I also know that their attempts to control and manipulate me to keep me in my role came from a deep-rooted fear of survival, but it still didn't make it ok. I tried to speak with my parents about it but there was this strange dynamic: they demanded that I respect them as elders (not allowed to question them/tell them they were wrong/they were hurting me) yet they placed the responsibility of their troubles on me and expected me to take care of them (emotionally and, at one point, financially as well with no concern about how it was negatively impacting me). I understand that my parents were of a different generation, but my siblings are a different issue (though they also have abandonment issues since my parents didn't parent any of us). I've gently explained the unhealthy dynamics in our family and how it played a big role in me becoming ill. However, although they have access to counselling (which I've gently encouraged), they refuse to do the work. Over the years they've continued to try to manipulate me back into my old way of doing things and, when I haven't, they've punished me. Therefore, in the end I had to walk away from everyone. About the loss. It did feel like a huge loss when my family rejected me and punished me merely for setting boundaries. However, there are so many people just like you and me who have had to walk and are currently walking the same path. They say you can't choose your family, but I think that those who are on the same journey end up becoming our new family. Sending you much love and hugs. ❤

[@whoami1654]

I've no idea how to set boundaries I just freeze. Mum was round the other day and in an hour she had criticised my hair, picked on hairs in my face, manipulated me with money, gave me money as a birthday gift but it had conditions and step NGS attached to it.

[@beccat1]

Hayley, I can see how hard it is to change your thinking on some of these situations and boundaries. You are being really brave and strong to even try and you can give yourself credit for that. I just wanted to give you a big hug. And you really made me laugh when you asked to move in with them. 😂

[@hayley1473]

thank you ❤❤ yeah ….its taking some time ! thank you for your encouragement x

[@indigosky9578]

Hayley…you are such a beautiful, sweet person. I just want to be able to hug that little girl and take all the pain away. I think you’re amazing…a true warrior. Keep up the good work 💕

[@hayley1473]

thank you ❤. Thank you so much 😊 i appreciate your love and send it back . ❤ x

[@janethansen9612]

So so many of us have repressed our anger through our lives, having been taught as children that it was not acceptable. It seems to me this is a major cause of our emotional issues once we become adults.

[@hayley1473]

oh its so interesting …even watching it back a few weeks later …i’m still needing to work with and on these issues . Really interesting what you said . thank you x

[@frentbow]

Well done Hayley. Big respect.

[@hayley1473]

thank you 😊❤x

[@kendraweech4253]

Haley the courage you have shown is inspiring it really is something and a growing gift you have …to share your journey and to be so open and authentic. Really has created a space for others to do the same. 🙏Thank you Haley and Alex

[@hayley1473]

what a lovely thing to say . Thank you so much ❤😊

[@toiletrollholder]

Hayley is so funny, intelligent and inspirational ❤. Loving these videos - very helpful to follow along with Hayley's journey and apply changes to my own life.

[@colleenjohnson6906]

Haley and Alex - I hope you understand how many people are being helped all around the world with this series. Haley your courage and Alex your talent are beyond measure. Haley, I am 72 and following your lead. Oh my goodness gratitude in abundance to both of you. I am on the same journey of not acknowledging my anger and having crushing heartfelt experiences of pain because I give my parents an unhealthy pass using their past and empathy as my excuse. I want to do this in a healthy way. Keep going Haley, you and your journey are inspiring. And I will do the same. Thank you.

[@anjavlasblom8158]

Thanks Colleen for sharing! I am 65 and I have the same problem with anger, my whole life I've suppressed it... but so sorry its deep in my cells and I am afraid of the anger. But this episode give me homework ... to set boundaries and to say no. I hope also that the old, old anger in me shall be transformed in energy for life.

[@hayley1473]

thank you Colleen for your lovely , beautiful encouraging words . Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for sharing your story too . I am so sorry for my late reply . But your beautiful words have helped me so much . Thank you . I send you love and peace and healing for your journey and thank you for helping me . I agree with you about Alex . ❤

[@hayley1473]

@@anjavlasblom8158 ❤❤

[@mimmibrorsson638]

It makes me very sad to hear how the wonderful Hayley has been treated. ♥Lovely to see her attempt to dance with Alex in the end. :D Such a great episode that I could relate to!

[@maryabreu9634]

Thank you so much Alex and very brave Hayley. You are helping me so much on my healing journey back to myself....As a lot of what you are discussing and disclosing resonates...... x

[@hayley1473]

Thank you Mary . Aww yes its a common theme i think , isnt it ….wishing you strength and love ❤. take care x

[@ineseromanova]

I love your sessions! ❤ They are absolutely great! Hayley, thank you very much for your courage to show your personal journey, it helps me in my own stuff. And I so much enjoy watching how professionaly Alex works, great example to learn from.

[@hayley1473]

thank you so much ❤🙂 x x

[@jillurron2989]

Thank you so much. Hayley you are so brave. Its wonderful to listen to your story. Thank you for sharing.

[@hayley1473]

thank you Jill . ❤😊❤

[@valw2651]

Hayley's journey and sessions have been especially helpful for me. I find I resonate with so many of the challenges to inner preconceptions and this time, especially with the advice of the inner critic hiding in a reason or logic explanation of why people have done things. I tried for years to intellectualize responses and even try to book learn to try to get through trauma in my own past. I pushed most feelings out of my life, and probably use anger toward myself, forever pushing myself harder instead of showing myself love and compassion. This has been a process and a half to start to see and try to overcome for me, as well. The homework has been a Great take-away. Thanks to you both Hayley & Alex.

[@hayley1473]

aww Val …i wrote a response to your comment and its suddenly disappeared ….aww! sorry . where’s that gone 😆. It was a really long response too ! so sorry ! anyway i do really thank you for your thoughts…. really very helpful . Thank you and i wish you well on your journey x

[@valw2651]

@@hayley1473 thanks! And all the best on yours, also! You are so courageous! I find that courage feels anything But courageous when in the midst of something that is so difficult, and it takes real strength to do what you are doing! You are showing many others that might not be on their own journey yet that this amazing work can be done, and it is so important ♥️

[@hayley1473]

@@valw2651 thank you Val …i appreciate your encouragement . Its funny really . i started off ok , but i’m finding it harder now for some reason . I think its a good sign i’m moving in the right direction though ! I really appreciate your encouragement . you are so right , it doesnt feel like courage in the middle of it at the time. Thank you . I appreciate it ❤

[@andreabuntpercy]

So helpful! Thank you, Hayley and Alex.

[@hayley1473]

thank you for your encouragement ❤

[@michelleheegaard]

The last 1-1/5 year I have been going through this exact process. And I'm honesstly still going through it tbh, although now it has shifted more towards me trying to figure who the hell I actually am now that I am no longer catering to my family's needs. It's really freaking hard and it feels utterly confusing to not know who you are, what to do or how to view life and human connections . Everything is shifting and it feels incredible daunting. I really applaud this woman for going through this process and to do it in front of all of us 👏🏼👏🏼 very well done. I see you and you are brave and strong.

[@hayley1473]

aww . thank you for sharing your experiences too - i am still muddling through…honestly - we can muddle through together ! I think it just takes a bit of time doesn't it . We have lived our lives a certain way for many , many years and suddenly we are changing everything …the way we see ourselves , others etc i guess we can take some time to figure out in the midst of that, who we are and where we are going - but i think it will take that time for us . I’m really impatient thinking i should have it all figured out by now - but i guess it’s patience and little steps …sorry i am chattering away here …i send you love and thanks and appreciation ❤ 🙂

[@lesmorris7104]

Thank you both for sharing this therapeutic process and particularly Hayley’s bravery and honesty. I’m really finding it helpful

[@hayley1473]

thank you Les . so glad it is helpful ❤

[@ff2548]

Wow! Amazing! I’m so grateful for this series. ❤ What a journey you’re all sharing with others-so courageous and honest and helpful. Thank you soooo much.

[@hayley1473]

Thank you FF . Thank you for your encouragement and taking the time and trouble to write x

[@AppleTY2015]

POWERFUL episode Alex! Whoooooooph!!! I may need to listen to this one several times!! ❤

[@oliverh8446]

Well done, Hayley! Watching all these sessions back in recent weeks (this one especially), it's truly inspiring how far you've come. Thank you for your honesty and warm-heartedness. Really looking forward to catching up this week :)

[@hayley1473]

Thank you Oliver ❤ 😊Alex and I just got a call from ‘strictly come dancing’ ! 🤦‍♀🤣 🐀

[@lorrainebarker4437]

Brilliant. Timing from Alex is so spot on. Know it will feel uncomfortable but I’m rooting for you Hayley.

[@hayley1473]

i’m going to keep rewatching them Lorraine …it needs to keep washing over me to make more sense . thank you so much x

[@sj4370]

Thank you so much Hayley for sharing your journey with us and Thank you Alex for the wisdom you share. I laughed about you asking Alex about moving in and then asking Jeremiah and Oliver a similar question. It was really funny, but it was also a lightbulb moment for me. Our inner critic has moved in with us. And our inner critic is a conglomerate voice of negative or abusive people from our past. Our healing work is to develop an inner voice that is a conglomerate of the wise, caring people in our lives who are invested in our healing. So in a way, as we develop that supportive and helpful voice, those people are becoming part of our lives (or moving in with us!) Thank you so much for being so courageous in sharing your journey with us.

[@hayley1473]

yeah your words are really helpful thank you ….it can be the negative voice of people in our lives cant it ….i haven’t worded it as well as you have …but you know what i mean . its an interesting one thank you . I still struggle with my inner critic …work in progress 😊 . Thank you …its really helpful ! Yes i kept pushing to move in 🤦‍♀😂🤣 . Something about trying to escape from my current life so i dont have to do any hard work myself …i can just run from it . They are such nice guys though . Honestly 😊 . Thanks S J x

[@hayley1473]

forgot to say…i love your wisdom where you say ‘our healing work is to develop an inner voice that is a conglomerate of the wise caring people in our lives who are invested in our healing; …love that comment . thank you x

[@SuperNorini]

Thanks once again Hayley and Alex. Food for thought, grist for the mill.... Xx

[@hayley1473]

thank you Noreen ! Thanks for your encouragement ❤ . I never heard that phrase before ….grist for the mill ! Will go and look it up ! thank you 😊 xx

[@KlaraKluczykowska]

I love when you talk about hard stuff and also these moments when you both laugh. Anger is crucial, it gives power to defend yourself (and others), I'm still learning how to give myself right to feel it and don't think I'm weak. Unfortunately anger accociated with violence in my mind and that's why I am also scared of it. I love your dance at the end of session Hayley, I believe you will have your own dance (in therms of Alex's metaphor) and boundaries which make you feel safe, seen and important.

[@hayley1473]

aww thank you Klara ❤ i wrote a big long reply and then it all disappeared . How strange . wonder if there is a word limit on here or something . Its disappeared anyway . 🤦‍♀🤣 or it may be hidden somewhere . Thank you for your thoughts ! i will keep this brief in case it disappears again …but thank you . Strength and power to you xx

[@KlaraKluczykowska]

@@hayley1473 unfortunately it happens on KZbin... thank you for your long previous reply anyway and brief one also! :)

[@hayley1473]

@@KlaraKluczykowska aww no worries thanks . Hope you are enjoying your weekend. We are just cleaning the kitchen having found a mouse in there last night ! Released him in the woods ..but sterilising the kitchen now 😂 x

[@KlaraKluczykowska]

@@hayley1473 haha, I heard story about sneaky mice in the house yesterday so it must be their time, good luck and nice Sunday for you too!

[@bridgetdunne3758]

Hi Hayley and Alex once again thank you for another excellent episode. Hayley thank you for you honesty I can understand how you feel as like you I have had simular upbringing and has had a terrible effect on my life. I am however realising now I need to work on these issue to make what ever years I have left better for me and my own family. I am not responsible for other people's feeling only my own I am who I am and like you not being put back in my box ever again. I still however feel guilt about not being at everyone's beck and call and have a lot of work to do on this but I know now I am on the right path thanks to Alex and will keep chipping away at this. Hayley best wish for a great week hope it goes well for you❤️

[@hayley1473]

We are not going back in that box . Power to us ❤❤❤😊 . Yes the guilt is a sneaky one isnt it …we will keep chipping away . Much love x

[@bridgetdunne3758]

@@hayley1473 certainly will we are all in it together ❤️

[@hayley1473]

@@bridgetdunne3758 ❤❤

[@kingfisher9553]

This is super good for me. I have a great little coach (probably half my age) and he's let me go at my own speed -- which I require, I'm very strong willed and also pretty damn well-educated. Watching Alex and his clients allows me to make connections I'm not ready to make with someone I actually have a therapeutic relationship with (bad therapy experiences in the past, including a therapist trying to convince me I "needed" a sexual relationship with him, make me very cautious). Been working on "stop" for about a year and working on the inner critic now. The inner critic is a tricky bastard, his work is not always easy to identify. Like Haley I have a wall full of awards and yet feel very unsure of my ability to be what is needed.

[@hayley1473]

Hi - thank you for sharing … and i agree with your inner critic comments - so tricky to spot and deal with . I just really hope you continue to make loads of progress . Sorry if my comments dont make any sense - having a blank brain moment …but you get my gist . Sending you love 🙂 . Take care x

[@paultje4874]

I see it more as a fear of the mother for intimacy. As soon as Hayley tries to reach out she pushes Hayley away. It is hard loving a person pushing you away. But they give you thenidea sometimes that there is an opening, but it is never real. What I did not hear Alex about is giving tips on dealing with the behavior of the toxic person at this very moment. Hayley of course needs to first acknowledge the importance of her feeling and allowing it to be there. And recognizing that the inner critic is really her inner parent. I am reading a book of Lindsay Gibson called recovering from emotionally immature parents. It so helpful to me. It gives tips on how to guard myself and taking distance when they are in their old dance and still feeling good about me not participating in it. Not feeling guilty about me anymore. I respect my boundaries and me. My parents only care about their emotional needs. Never about mine. Never did. An example of Hayley driving over for hours, because her mother has an headache is unacceptable. For her she could have acknowledged ober the phone that it is awful for her mum to have a headache. However you are far away and it is in the middle of the night so you can not solve that for her. When it is really a problem she can call a doctor. When she starts repeating blaming and saying nasty things Hayley needs to learn to stop that. And Alex is learning her that. But with such a parent you need to keep repeating certain things you said. The first time I said my mum to stop she responded like a little child. It helped right away, because I was very clear. But to be honest the message was for the first time very clear from my side. I expressed how it made me feel and the behavior I wanted her to,stop doing. The book gives steps for the different levels of where you are at and you feel up to and still comfortable with. You learn your parents how you want to be treated. Good luck to you all.

[@hayley1473]

Hi paultje i wrote a really long reply and its disappeared 🤦‍♀🤦‍♀🤣 . I’m never really sure why it happens to me . sorry . thank you anyway. I wonder if its because i’m writing certain words and they are just getting filtered out by youtube or something ? Thanks for your thoughts anyway . I dare not write a longer answer in case it goes again . thanks 😊

[@paultje4874]

Happens to me sometimes. Wish you the best

[@richardlynch6927]

We will never be the person they want us to be because the goal post will continue to move in order to keep us feeling unworthy which keeps trying by doing more for them , it’s like drowning in quicksand .

[@hayley1473]

aww Richard i am sorry for anything you may of been through that has made you feel like this 😞 . Sorry if i misinterpreted your comment too ❤. I think the thing that matters most is being the person WE want to be . It’s us who has to live with ourselves . I’m kinda many months on from recording this now and i have learnt to stick my goal post in and not move it for anyone . It’s not easy - but i’m working on it . I send you love and what ever you need for healing . Hang on in there ❤ x

[@user-no5my2so4g]

This has all the hall marks of a narcissistic family dynamic. A narcissistic mother who always divides so she can conquer her children and places the children in the classic roles of 'scapegoat' and 'golden child'. Hayley as the scapegoat and her brother as the golden child. The dynamic can continue because the scapegoat, from a very, very young age has been made to feel by the narcissistic parent (through projection of the parents own traumas) that they are not good enough so they then commit their whole life to trying to prove they are good enough in order to win love. Love that never comes apart from occasional intermittent glimpses known as 'love bombing' designed to keep the victim hooked into the game. The only answer is for Hayley to re-wire her brain and heart and to come to fully realise that what she has grown to believe is love is far from it. She has been extremely psychologically and emotionally abused abused for decades and has learned to abuse herself in the process. If the abuse she has received were physical and therefore could be seen and 'proved' these people would serve life sentences. Self love is the key. Self protection and strong, protective boundaries as these abusers won't ever stop until they take your very last breath. The immense guilt and shame that comes from choosing yourself over your abusers is overwhelming and it feels so intuitively wrong but once processed and become the new norm, what lies on the other side is so much healing, peace and freedom. There's a reason why Hayley's path is called The Warriors Journey because it takes phenomenal strength, love and compassion to negotiate through this hell tunnel but from what I have seen of this incredibly strong, intelligent, loving and inciteful woman so far I have absolutely no doubt she'll make it and I can so see her becoming THE MOST INCREDIBLE therapist on the other side.

[@hayley1473]

thank you for taking the time and trouble to write - its so appreciated ❤.Thank you 🙂. I answered a few days ago and when i looked my rather long winded answer had disappeared - sorry . Not sure what happened but it always seems to do it on me 😆. I will keep this one short as i am expecting this to disappear too . I just wanted to thank you 😊 for your comments . My mum has managed to get some therapy now and has been doing really well for the last few months . Eternally grateful for Alex and his help , that encouraged me so much and that in turn became the catalyst to my mum seeking help too . Work in progress still - but we are both doing so much better now . Our relationship is unrecognisable . So proud of mum at 83 and willing to go through tough therapy, and yeah just forever grateful to Alex and everyone commenting here too - including yourself . thank you 😊 ❤🙂 x

[@lindsay5305]

24:36 It is mature to be copassionate. What about showing the part of you which you think is not enough some of that compassion? You show your mum unconditional love (the job only of a parent) yet you are not showing your hurt parts that unconditional love Hayley. Compassion is sensitivity to suffering AND a commitment to alleviating it.

[@hayley1473]

Work in progress thank you 🙂

[@lindsay5305]

@@hayley1473 me too

[@hayley1473]

@@lindsay5305 ❤

[@whoami1654]

I internalise my anger too and abuse myself with food

[@hayley1473]

Sending you love WHOAMI . ❤ X X

[@janetlesleypowers9529]

It's NOT being loving to enable her mum's hate, control and vindictive behavior. She can have compassion for her mum and at the same time teach her mum she's being very hurtful. ❤

[@hayley1473]

Hi . Thanks for your comments 🙂 . I do appreciate them . I guess it’s hard for someone to see a snapshot of someone’s life on a video and get a full picture of the complexities of our relationship. I guess from my perspective , i dont think for one second that my mum hates me , I believe that hurt people hurt people , and due to her past and things that sadly happened to my mum , that should of never happened , my mum reacts from her trauma in the only way that was ever shown to her . Trauma handed down . Trying to control another comes from her fear and pain too . I choose to see with empathic understanding her pain , whilst having learnt from Alex’s therapy here , to now hold my boundaries . Thankfully several months on , our relationship is much better and my mum has entered therapy too , to heal her childhood trauma . It was never hate from her - it was a terrified person trying to control and heal things that should never of happened to her either . I hope that kinda updates a little . Thank you 😊. Keep well ❤

[@NurseAmy1993]

This spoke volumes to me. As a child I could not express my anger about my parents divorce because “I’m too young to express my anger” and “this is how it’s going to be so you can’t express your anger”. To this I still feel I cannot express the “no that’s not ok with me” because I feel like if I do share my anger for my boundaries they will leave me. I have done boundaries work and my close family didn’t like it but it did help me a little. However I have a question. When I get angry and I’m feeling cornered on someone’s opinion I start to cry. How do I get away from the weak feeling of being so angry I end up crying and then I feel I am not strong to get my point across?

[@hayley1473]

aww Amy …sorry to read this . I wish i had some easy answers for you and i’m really sorry i dont . I’m just clutching at answers here ….and i still struggle to. Is there something in there about getting your point across at a later time, rather than when you feel so upset and overwhelmed ? I dont know to be honest . I have found Alex’s download sheets and stuff really helpful . Sending love . x x

[@NurseAmy1993]

@@hayley1473 I have heard to digest and feel your feelings I think from Alex. It does help when I walk away and digest everything to come back when I am calm. However by the time I’m ready to talk about it I feel like I shouldn’t bother bringing it up because it is water under the bridge. I must not do this because it makes me physically sick to hold onto it. If this is you Hayley I am so proud of you for taking charge of your mental well-being. It’s damn hard and it is not linear, but you are so strong. Thank you for sharing your story. It is helping me more than you know xx

[@hayley1473]

@@NurseAmy1993 thank you Amy . its hard work sometimes isn’t it . These interactions with other people ! I so love animals . I just find them easier than people 🤦‍♀🤣 . Amy i send you love and i think you are so strong too , and i can tell you care and love deeply . ❤❤

[@NurseAmy1993]

@@hayley1473 let’s do this together and gentle hugs beautiful soul xx

[@hayley1473]

@@NurseAmy1993 ❤❤❤ xx