Alice - Homesick Portrait With Dr. Ramani - No Music

The full interview can be found on the Dr. Ramani Network
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Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
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[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

Homesick for a home you never had is such a heartbreaking feeling, sending giant hugs to Alice!

[@Jen-dp9yd]

Wow this is so crazy timing! I have never heard homesickness talked about with regards to childhood trauma before, and I have literally been reminded of my struggles with it just this week after being on "holiday" with my mom. I always feel so so anxious when I'm away from my home town or area in general, while I'm away this empty existential panic and dread sets in from nowhere like if I am away too long I will be stuck in that lonely isolated feeling, never connected it with childhood trauma until now! I grew up with a lot of choas and arguments with violence sometimes, having to run away at night times with my mom due to my Dad. Lovely lady in the video 😢❤ xx

[@JFN381]

I am stunned by this. Right down to being one of 4 kids. Alcoholic dad and kind as he was, the chaos that caused in the home. Homesick to this day. Really complicated. This is the first place I’ve ever heard this addressed. Even in my years of therapy, this is the only time it’s been mentioned as a symptom of this kind of upbringing/household dynamic.

[@genxbeyotch]

I really relate to Patrick on this one; summers in my alcholic home meant I had to watch my little brother at age 11, we were not allowed to leave the yard. It was a dangerous time for me as my parents threw parties and had very strange ppl around and I would have to hide. I realize as an adult why I'm so depressed and lethargic every summer now.

[@Avery_4272]

Beautiful example of a healing type of conversation. Thanks, Patrick, Dr. R., and Alice.

[@Rachel299]

I had the worst homesickness ever. I couldn’t stand to be away from my family. It’s because they left me in hospitals, alone, to go through an illness and even surgery before the age of six. I was afraid they would leave me and never return. I still think about this almost every day and I am in my 60’s!

[@moonhunter9993]

I am so sorry you went through that. I understand. Not to the same degree but I remember as a child being alone in hospital for a week and my parents only came to visit once for half an hour. They brought me a stuffed bunny toy. I was very attached to this bunny toy for years...

[@WendyWilkinson-jo7sb]

I always left camp, school, later in life relationships to run to my abusive Mom. I was so Co Dependent and had massive Magical Thinking. I rewrote my story again and again and made my Mom "the cool Mom" She wasn't . I have been no contact for a long time now and I wish that little girl and young adult lived her life more for herself. I have made big steps and couldn't have done without Patrick. When the Woman held up the picture I just wept I so get it. It is never to late to find joy again.

[@jenmulvaney]

Love you and Dr. Ramani teaming up! What a dynamic duo of healing! 🙌 Beautiful work, thanks for sharing ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@crishuez]

This is why I have panic attacks at sunset!!! Same as you Patrick, dad was a severe alcoholic who started drinking the second he came home from work. The same time the sun would go down. As a survivor, I started abusing alcohol and am now sober. But now I have panic when the sun sets. I knew when he came home the fighting would begin which included physical and mental abuse towards me and my mom. It wouldn't end until he passed out. THANK YOU ❤

[@kimshell7216]

This really resonates with me! Thank you, Alice, for sharing your story This is a great reminder to take care of my inner child. Hugs, hugs, hugs!

[@jrod1986]

Also, thank you for uploading this without music. For me, the music was honestly a little distracting the first time I watched this😅

[@Vercanya]

Same, I couldn't connect to what she was saying because the music was overbearing.

[@CocoTheDiamond]

homesickness. it has a name. i have this. in the evenings. from ~7p until bed in the summer and ~4p in the winter. i've spoken to my therapist about it and we worked on the anxiety, not the feeling behind it. this video made a light bulb go off in me. so i meditated on this to feel the feelings and try to find what it was coming from. i went into my imagination to look for the source of this daily anxiety and terror or being away from my family. my parents. my mother. i found my inner little girl tangled up with her mother and tied to her both terrified of her and needing her to hold me, comfort me. she was crying and clinging to mom's skirt. i realized the terror came from how unpredictable and crazy my mother would be around the hours after school until i went to bed. and the need for her to embrace me and comfort me: she always pushed me away as a little child and i had so much fear bc we lived abroad and there was so much chaos. i needed her to ease my fears. so me and the little girl talked. i told her she was safe and didn't need to be afraid and didn't even need her mothers comfort. i gave her a hug. i'm here to comfort me. i can face my fears bc im an adult. and safe. and i have the tools to handle life now. i took little girl's hand and we walked away from my angry mother. it will take practice to get through the evening hours without feeling the anxiety. but i understand its source now. i had never heard anyone speak of this before.

[@danielleb2466]

Love this so much- the picture she carries with her and that desire to again become “bright eyed and bushy tailed” 💗 Anahata- the unstruck heart, and for many the desire and pursuit of returning to that state of trust and delight and innocence

[@ladyjane5401]

OMGosh! I experienced this so bad as a child that I could never stay away from my mom. The only time I was emotionally able to spend the night anywhere was when I would spend the night at my maternal grandma's house. I still experience deep homesickness longing for my childhood and my childhood home.

[@lori1760]

The collab we needed 😂❤ love this!! Mom energy and dad energy

[@CurtisMoe]

Wow. Starting at 6pm each weeknight, and sometimes all weejend long for me. This resonates so much.

[@tahwsisiht123]

I would love to hug her ❣️

[@SusanKG]

I was horribly homesick. My narc brother uses this to invalidate my abuse. “It couldn’t have been so bad because you never wanted to leave.” I didn’t understand it myself. Now it makes sense. I remember one terrifying event where I was dropped off at an elderly neighbor couple because my parents were going on vacation for a week. I was convinced they were giving me away. I was five. I had the biggest meltdown of my life. I was usually the quiet one, but this day I freaked out. The only way I would stay was by insisting another sibling stay there too for the week. I knew they would never give him away, so I accepted it was temporary. That poor couple! I will never forget that feeling of panic and rejection. My parents were so critical of me even at a young age that I figured I was done for. The elderly couple were well intentioned, but they also scared me. The man, in particular, told me that he was keeping a list of my transgressions in a little black book for my parents to see when they got back. Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy my stay.

[@JohnByland-id6qd]

❤ Thank you very much for this Validation Today. Yes, this is something I still genuinely struggle with despite the turbulent on again off again homelessness. I never felt close with either of my toxic parents

[@jrod1986]

Love her accent ❤

[@nazlalpargu8972]

No one sees me, no one sees my pain, because I'm not in a war. There are no cameras to record, no news to report. But I'm in my own war. I've been murdered thousands of times, and I've come back to life thousands of times. I'm invisible in this giant world. No one sees me or hears me. I'm all alone in the masses. I've cried rivers, but they are all invisible. I'm lost; there is no shoulder to cry on, no hand to reach for. I've been murdered thousands of times, and again I'm dying, but I don't want to. I've tried so hard, but I have my limits. I'm crying, crying for help, by myself, but no one hears, no one sees. I'm lost; I'm invisible. I have such a deep soul, but no one to share it with. I've lost my voice during this journey, to this world; I don't exist. But I'm here, somewhere in this world. I'm dying; please, someone hear me. I have such a deep soul, so much to share. give me a chance. I have no talent to share because they ripped me apart. I have no money or fame, so no one hears me. In this reality, you have to have something to be heard or seen. I have only a deep, gentle, and broken soul. Every breath I take hurts my soul, but I have five angels to care for. They taught me what love means. They opened my heart, expanded my way of thinking. Now I can see more clearly. They are not human; they have paws to touch my heart and soul. They were born into my hands, and I give them millions of kisses every day. No one understands my love for them. They say, ask for help, but from whom? It's all in front of me like a movie, but they can't hear or see me. All I can do is watch. Watch the possibilities. I live somewhere where people are different on the outside but the same inside. They have no soul, no empathy, no sympathy. They will stab you if they see your tragedy. I'm so lonely in this soulless country. It hurts to be here in this forgotten land. They taught me to be ashamed of myself, to hate myself. There's no freedom of speech, no freedom to be me. People of wisdom live so far away from me. I can only watch them but can't reach them. I'm invisible to them. Just because I'm not under real bombs, they won't help me. All I can do is watch the possibilities. I'm dying slowly and at the speed of light. But I don't want to. I still have so much to live for. It took me years to see myself, to see the truth. But I think I've missed the train. So please, someone hear me. I'm here, somewhere in this world, waiting to be heard and seen... Excuse my english.

[@depaula1710]

This is interesting to me. I remember only one kid in my class beeing particularly homesick - and now as I hear you guys speak i remember, that kid was hit by their mother when I was over at their house. Who knows how things were when I wasn't there to witness

[@cdow9032]

Aww! I love Alice and her inner child ❤ This was so interesting! I've always felt increased anxiety around the early evening, and to this day, I still don't like the hours between 4 and 7, esp. In the Summer. I hate the heat, it makes me feel anxious, not so much now, but still have never been an outdoor type. I do remember my NM locking us out of the house all the time, and then there was always that chaos when everyone was in the house for dinner. Very insightful!

[@v4756nb1rs]

This feels like an extension of the feeling I have -- the inner child in me STILL wants her mommy. I relate to feeling homesick for a place that's been long gone. God bless this sweet lady -- I relate so much and healing can happen, even if ti's not a linear process. EDIT: Wow. I think I JUST realized why my Seasonal Affective Disorder is so bad: during the summer, I could be out and about and out of my abusive household as much as possible, but as soon as school started back up and the bad weather of fall/winter would hit, I would be stuck indoors with my horrible father. I did as many extracurricular programs as possible to stay at school for as many hours as possible, but it was always crappiest at home for me in fall/winter. Thanks for giving me clarity!🤯

[@marymac9303]

This video is so important to my healing, thank you Alice for being vulnerable with us 🩷

[@MarianaSantos1974]

As a child I ALWAYS want to sleep over and NEVER wanted to go back home. I knew everybody was "eating" each other's heads, I wanted distance from it all. I never cared about any of them. At 18 I was "allowed" to leave, and I left 🙏🏻

[@kd_1421]

I wasn't strong enough to leave completely until I was in my mid-twenties, but I so feel this. I would even spend time with ex boyfriends and people I shouldn't have because I just wanted a break from the chaos at home, even if it meant spending time in a different set of chaos. So glad I'm out of that life!

[@nivea2win]

It resonates with each one of us who had to grow up too early in his or her childhood so that they can take care of others, they missed their childhood.... very sensitive but very well explained 👏

[@TexanWineAunt]

My dad was self employed and I never felt safe because he would come home randomly and start bullying everyone. Not a drunk, not a batterer, but a rage addict who needed everyone to be upset. My mom neglected us and blamed him, he blamed her for her incompetence but both were content to blame rather than make sure we got the care we needed.

[@KiwikimNZ]

Homesickness was terrifying. I hated staying anywhere, even though my mum never came home most nights, but mum would also leave me at people’s homes, lying that she would come back to get me and never would. I was terrified every time. I still get homesick at 54!

[@itsmebje8634]

Same. Exactly the same internal throbbing sadness and silencing the wailing and it's devastating and you don't think you'll make it or they won't make it

[@Selah1141]

This was beautiful ❤

[@antonia9494]

gosh I'm so crying so much listening to her

[@onpointsporthorses141]

Ooooh! Dr Ramani + Patric Teahan! Dream team.❤❤ This is so subtle. 🤔 ill have to keep a feel out for things this subtle. I dont have the homesick thing but there were definitely time things, like the key jingle thing. I could hear my parents cars 3 houses away for sure. It was like you could feel the mood as they pulled up the ally too.

[@sandrab.5065]

Wow, that was a profound revelation. Thanks for sharing. 😢

[@checkswim]

I’ve been thinking about this video since I first saw it, the version with the music about a week ago. This is me, the only one of my siblings too. To the point where I can’t take vacations or go out much. It just baffles me that this never came up in therapy, and this hit so hard! “I have to be home now.”

[@jerobarraco]

Thanks so much for the reupload! It truly helps to be able to understand and listen! And great video!

[@jodycasey6936]

Thanks!

[@The-Finisher]

@Patrick great content and many thanks for the MUSIC free version much appreciated!❤

[@lizafield9002]

I get homesick as the light fades & we went home, as kids, for suppertime. I had a mystical bond with my mother--she was creative, noble, nature loving, part Cherokee. But sad in a way i absorbed, unworded. We didn't know my daddy, a good man, cheerful & awkward, was closeted. They got twin beds, his idea. It's how things were back then. I'm the only sibling who felt it deeply & loved them so much. "Nostalgia" in Greek meant "going home." It's a soul ache , & love.

[@TheKak933]

Finally I get it. Thank you. I’ve dreaded early evening all my life

[@ΘΕΟΔΩΡΑΚΑΡΑΠΑΠΑ]

Homesick for the dreams and hopes you ones had.....I feel you sweetie.... I feel you

[@cuekinaja]

It is so interesting I hope there would be longer videos about homesickness or other kind of emotional flashbacks. Btw I have a pang of loneliness every morning when I wake up.

[@Zoleankico4267]

I felt a terrible homesickness when I was young. Not all the time, but sometimes when I went to my dads on the weekend, and other times at sleep overs. Weird thing was, about 10 years ago, I worked at a foster care receiving center. The children were ages 2-10, and some of their stories were just awful. 😢 But almost every day that I went to work, (especially the mornings), I had this overwhelming feeling of homesickness. I only lived 10 minutes away, and as soon as I got out of the building, I felt better. But it was awful, I cried at work so much, it was embarrassing. I switched to overnights and that helped some. It has carried over to my new jobs though, in that I ALWAYS need to get out of the work place, even for a few minutes, during my shift, and I struggle with anxiety if I work morning shifts. This was not a “thing” previously; at least not that I was aware of, with my own 5 children to care for, back in the day.

[@dianespiro9541]

I also suffered from homesickness when young, 10 or 11 years old. I was always punished for it. The mind boggles…

[@LunaMoon518]

I was the parentified eldest child who always worried about my siblings being left alone with my volatile parents. I was always anxious about my parents' fights and violence. I felt that if I wasn't around they could have killed each other and I would have left my brothers to deal with that on their own. In addition, my mother was possessive and punishing if I did happen to go out with friends. Eventually I didn't have friends anymore or go anywhere. The only reason I'm not still trapped with my parents is that my co-worker persistently liked me enough to ask me out and court me and I felt safe and loved and married him. To this day, leaving the house gives me a sense of dread and that punishment is waiting for me. I don't have friends; that part of me is buried under layers of trauma - guarded, can't relate to people, feel lame and like a burden - even though I am so lonely at times, and I'm paralyzed with anxiety to the point of struggling to even make it to the grocery store. Although I have a loving partner and a little girl, I struggle daily with my childhood trauma. Wishing healing and kindness to anyone who struggles.

[@jdjenny]

oh my goodness - THIS IS ME❤️‍🩹

[@raincollector]

I get anxious when my husband's truck pulls up, but he is a safe person.

[@dawnward2491]

Oh my gosh! I do too! My dad would come home and mom would be drunk and that's the trigger. I wondered what was wrong with me. That's it! Thanks

[@reallyaprilstarr]

Ugh. Trying to reclaim the bright eyed and bushy tailed. I feel that. Trauma can really rob you of joy. I call it returning to playfulness.

[@seabreeze7378]

Bingo… but now I know I felt scared of her because she was also an alcoholic and would be flinging my door open and start ranting

[@Mrlin13]

Yesterday evening I was working in my basement office and my kids (9 & 11) were playing upstairs, roughhousing and bonking around above my head. After awhile I realized that my entire body was tense, and that I was getting really angry and anxious. So - I used the tools I've worked on with my therapist. I asked myself "Buddy, why are you feeling this way?" Because my senses and instincts were telling me they were in danger. My dad worked midnights, and was asleep during the days a lot, and if we were too loud (or heaven forbid broke something), there'd be screaming, spanking, or worse from my mom. "DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER IS WORKING MIDNIGHTS!!!!" My body was telling me that was about to happen, but this time not just to me, but to my kids, the ones I have to protect. And I took a big breath and told myself "Buddy, those kids aren't in danger. They can't even conceive that there could be danger to them from something like this. You know why? Because you and their mom have MADE it that way. THEY. ARE. SAFE. And so are you." I was able to relax, cried a bit, then went upstairs and enjoyed their company for the rest of the evening. Therapy can help, friends. Thanks so much for your excellent videos, Patrick.

[@antonia9494]

exact same childhood wound...

[@abigailkendrick]

I had this too

[@miracles-f2o]

Me too The emptiness and taking responsibility of the parents and siblings because you don't know what is going on when you are not there😢

[@lisah1687]

would be good if you added some music to this, i think it will tie in nicely to the theme like the other ones. 👍

[@robertstilson2901]

WOW! I, TOO, EXPERIENCE AN EMBITTERED DARNESS THAT SWELLS OVER ME AS THE SUN SETS. MY INSTINCTS SCREAM FOR AN ALERTNESS THAT "BAD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN EVENING COMES."

[@laleluleilo]

It would be very interesting to know if Alice (bless you!❤) Was the oldest or a middle child or the youngest. Thank you for your work!

[@rturney6376]

This was a big ahh!!! 😮for me.

[@drAnnaSobczak]

This video was already shared 3 days ago with the different title.

[@patrickteahanofficial]

Yes it was, but many requested it to be posted without music like it says in the title.

[@callumbrasher8048]

For me a trigger is when I hear loud/ heavy footsteps. It makes me feel afraid that it could be my Dad walking up the stairs arriving home or it could be my Mum and she's super angry and frustrated and she's walking down the hall ready to yell or spank someone/ ready to throw the "discipline" at someone.

[@corinnaketterling449]

❤

[@MaggiDaC]

Needing to be there to try to manage the Chaos -- oh, hello, i am *made* of that feeling. Just realized this is why i feel so *deeply* uncomfortable with live call in shows or debates -- dad is going off script oh shit do something do something so something -- that's the old old feeling that's being triggered. Obviously, I'm not responsible for random strangers -- thing is, 🔥i wasn't responsible for my dad, either.🔥

[@avantgirl33]

I hope everyone knows that you can basically reprogram your entire brain. You have to want it and it's really hard work. But it's completely possible. The brain and so plastic, program it for whatever you want and enjoy the ride 🎉🎉🎉

[@gobigirl1]

Can you say more about what worked for you?

[@prahslra]

I feel that “perpetrators” are victims too.

[@MrIgorkap]

They aren't victims of the children though. They very likely are victims of their parents and themselves but they are still doing things to cause great harm to their children, and are aware of it, at least to some level.

[@prahslra]

@@MrIgorkapWell explained. Thank you.

[@jdjenny]

Always …. When the sun goes down. ❤️‍🩹 I’m 50.