Am I an Emotionally Controlling Boyfriend?

[@thomaspugh9969]

If your spouse cheated on you, why would you ever date someone who cheated on their spouse? That's the problem right there

[@arijana6524]

Becuase he has low self esteem thinking it was his fault he got cheated and he wasn't good enough, now he feels better because he is "better" then her current partner Fucked up if you ask me but that's mostly what people think these days

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@arijana6524I don't think you're following the storyline....her ex cheated on her and her fiance cheated on his ex.

[@kcourtney6826]

@@arijana6524😂😂😂

[@limiwa]

​@@arijana6524The caller cheated on his wife not the other way around. Why this woman is dating him when her ex cheated on her is the question.

[@sydguitar99]

He said he cheated bc he felt his spouse was emotionally unavailable ​@@arijana6524

[@blueseptember2174]

He cheated on his wife. She was also cheated on. He hid it. The end. Hes afraid to be single but probably needs to be.

[@aprilsims5595]

I dont think she feels as strongly about him as he does her.

[@debbielockhart7762]

I think he's a bit scary in his clinginess.

[@robr268]

​@debbielockhart7762 the right woman would love that.

[@ssiegreen5292]

@@robr268 Yup, agreed. Some people love very intensely - right from the get-go - and I'm not talking about the stalkerish/insecure attachments. Others are more guarded, or have more damage from previous relationships, and may never let down enough to trust and be all in - and that goes both for men and women...

[@dmbgator86]

Clearly

[@robr268]

@ssiegreen5292 I'm a firm believer, just be yourself and that person will come.

[@MakeupandDance.]

The fact that HE CHEATED and SHE divorced HER HUSBAND because he cheated on her… she may be overthinking if it’s a good idea to be with this new man that did exactly what she was hurt for

[@YoYo_Ma]

Plus he lied about his debt. Plus her daughter is struggling and needs her mom. I think this lady is trying to distance herself from him ang focus on her kids. As she should.

[@sallyhemings2295]

@@YoYo_Maexactly and he needs to have his CHILDREN more! He’s too focused on this relationship 😅

[@janwells2199]

It's natural for her to concentrate on her troubled daughter.

[@debbielockhart7762]

Natural and right. He's a clingy mess.

[@saras2432]

Thank you.

[@amandadaisies]

He’s a walking red flag. He should not be getting remarried anytime soon. He cheated on his ex wife and now he’s basically jealous of his girlfriend caring for her daughter…. yikes

[@jenica1388]

His lack of caring about her daughter is a huge red flag as a mom of 2 teen girls. He talked about her being suicidal and struggling with zero care for her or the mom. He only cared about how it affected him. I would never date let alone marry anyone who had that little care and concern for my kids. She’s focusing on her daughter as she should and he’s having a tantrum. It’s this entire relationship about him and his needs? He hasn’t talked about wanting to be in her kids lives once,just how he want to be with her. I’m guessing that is part of the reason that little girl doesn’t want him to join their family.. kids know when they are truly cared about and when someone is just acting. I’m glad she is putting her daughter first.

[@christianandrade2633]

When you marry a woman with kids, you as a man will always come third or fourth priority. Not even second. And how can you expect a man to care about somebody’ else’s seed? He can provide and care for as best as he can. He will eventually develop a bond with said child. But that can’t be forced.

[@sabrinashelton1997]

I mean, how much concern would you have for someone you barely know and don't live with?

[@Youdontneedtoknowmyname3-iu1vk]

I dont think theres another guy she doesnt trust you fully. He said he cheated beforehand, has debt, and she has a daughter thats unstable at 14.. she should just break up with this guy shes not ready theres other priorities

[@manifest2203]

Well said.

[@Emptytopfloor]

Bingo. And he isn’t ready either.

[@stevengtv]

Him not being honest about his debt at the beginning is a huge flight response for me personally. I would question what other things am I being lied to about. If the trust isn’t there you have nothing.

[@jaykay3839]

Exactly! And he cheated on his wife, destroying their marriage? He refuses to be honest. She is seeing massive red flags, as she should.

[@Ryan-wx1bi]

The guy literally has the two biggest causes for divorce as his red flags 😂

[@sallyhemings2295]

@@Ryan-wx1biwhich is why she was originally attracted to him…he was FAMILIAR. She needs to work on herself too.

[@onebeyutiful]

At the beginning??? No one needs to know that personal information at the beginning of a relationship, now when things got serious and they began talking marriage then, yes, that information should be divulged

[@natasabrandt21]

News for you... It's not the partner's task to make you happy... And when he said he felt unloved in his previous relationship, I wonder how deep his insatiable hole is that constantly needs filling. This man is a trap, and she subconsciously senses it. And one more thing... by the tone of his voice, you can feel how he's in love, more like a teenager than a grown man. I would be very, VERY cautious.

[@quintinnunn1392]

Dude gave way too many red flags. She should stay away until hes good with himself

[@216trixie]

Everything he described sounded like a crush. The ultra highs and the ultra lows. The love at first sight. There is a term for, it is "limerence". Look it up. It is an ultra crush. This is not love. This guy is being needy this sounds dysfunctional. And she's pushing him away for good reason

[@abbyxiong3931]

Yes. Sounds like it.

[@blacksquid270]

Agreed, it appears as this was infatuation at first sight. Its worn off on her end, hasn't for him yet.

[@iamjessie.b]

She’s just not that into you. Women that love a man crave his communication and attention just as much

[@manifest2203]

More than anything, her mind is focused on her daughter right now (as she should). This is not the time for her to be very communicative in the relationship.

[@alyross2850]

That’s it. Bottom line. She may have wanted a boyfriend to get even with her ex who cheated. She’s having second thoughts and she would have been able to forgive the debt thing if she really wanted him. He did come clean about it. It’s not like she found out on her own. That’s something a woman in love can forgive.

[@jwhite5396]

He could be the rebound guy.

[@216trixie]

That was my thought in the first few minutes, and it really didn't change by the end. Besides this is one big crush. Not real love.

[@ChloeLayneXO]

True, but also she probably just slowly started losing interest.

[@ashleymarie6585]

The way he just brushed off the fact that this woman’s daughter is threatening suicide and harming herself as if it’s just some burden on his relationship. I hope things don’t work out for them. He sounds like a terrible father and not healthy to be around a young girl who is struggling mentally.

[@debbielockhart7762]

He's clingy and stalkerish IMO. Way too over the top needing more of her attention. This woman has her priorities straight. Focus on her kids.

[@blueseptember2174]

Didn't really seem like he learned from his affair either. He just spoke so casually about it 😮

[@TruePathLiving]

He sounds like he has dependant personality disorder. Nothing matters to the person other than that...

[@saras2432]

They didn't work out. He had someone on the side by the time this call aired.

[@pamelatd]

Good for the mom for putting her daughter first!

[@saras2432]

Thank you 💖

[@Lpstpaul]

Uhhhh, calling the teenage daughter’s cutting and suicidal ideation as the “classic teenager I hate mom and want to kill myself behavior,” is INSANE. That needs to be taken extremely seriously, not treated as an inconvenience. That mom has a lot of stuff going on, and she doesn’t want more.

[@saras2432]

Exactly. Thank you.

[@tspencer661]

This is a messy situation. She had been cheated on in her last relationship. He cheated on his ex wife. He wasn’t honest with his girlfriend about his debts. Her daughter is self harming herself. Her daughter doesn’t like this man and has moved out of her mother’s home. I would love to hear what the girlfriend and daughter would have to say. I realize that teenagers aren’t supposed to dictate adults’ lives, but often teenagers see things that we adults don’t see. I ended a three year relationship with a man because my teenage daughter and her teenage boyfriend told me about my ex- boyfriend’s social media habits. I didn’t know how bad his social media habits were until she informed me. Once I saw what I saw, I lost all respect for him.

[@ireneswackyjournals8810]

You do realize though that the daughter may also be the type that wants attention and for mommy dear to go back to dad. This is why parents need to be truthful but most lie so kids act up and sometimes get into huge fights over every man. And you should not have to sacrifice everything for your child either. Part of being a parent is self love. Yeah it could be that your boyfriend is a problem but if they repeat the behavior with every man the issue is the child

[@tspencer661]

@@ireneswackyjournals8810 Unfortunately some people don’t heal from their own trauma before entering into relationships. This means that parents often bring the wrong people into their lives on a regular basis. I was 43 when I learned that I married my ex-husband because of my childhood trauma. I put up with horrible behavior for too long. I didn’t know it was horrible behavior. To me, it was normal. I now know what type of behavior to not put up with. I would like to know what the girlfriend thinks about the situation. It would probably help to know what the daughter thinks, too. Even bio-dad may know about the situation. He could have insight, too. Mom may be dating creepy men. Mom may date untrustworthy men. Maybe the daughter doesn’t like the boyfriend because she doesn’t think he’s trustworthy. If mom used her daughter as a confidant, then the daughter may be biased against him. Mom may have a revolting door of men who come in. Since the girlfriend didn’t call, we don’t know the whole situation. If the daughter is self harming, then that needs to be mom’s priority. She needs to take care of her daughter’s mental health. The boyfriend is just going to wait for mom to focus on her daughter. There are so many layers to the story. The one commonality between the ex-boyfriend and ex-husband is that they both cheat. The woman may want to examine her beliefs and behaviors. This can help her decide what she will and won’t put up with.

[@ireneswackyjournals8810]

@@tspencer661 or maybe the daughter just wants her parents together as most kids do. This is a time and unfortunately tested issue. And the ex had no say in the current relationship unless she’s cutting contact with the father unfairly. This is basically you claiming the woman is a child snd everyone around her knows more about her than her. And is basically more qualified than her in her choice. I’m of the assumption that she’s just not that into the guy. Bottomline. It’s simple. She has a daughter that may have depression caused by school, medication or may be forming a spectacle because she wants her parents to get back together. The daughter has no say on whether mom should go back to the father.

[@susanamunoz3537]

What was it you saw?

[@tspencer661]

@@susanamunoz3537 My ex-boyfriend was in his 40s. He was following some hyper sexualized content of numerous females on TikTok, including a few teenage girls. The girls were 15 and 16, around the same age as my daughter. He was also following numerous Instagram accounts. He was following over 4500 accounts, the majority of which contained hyper sexualized content as well. He was following P0rn stars, Only Fans models, “hot moms”, and “fitness models”. I could not continue a relationship with a man who finds it acceptable to follow 6000+ accounts of women who aren’t me.

[@FreeSpirit47]

Matt has more problems than a math book. He would do himself & anyone in his life a huge favor by working on himself before dating or having a girlfriend. If the womans 14 year old doesn't want her mother to marry him. he's in for some rough times. The 14 year old seems to see the red flags that her mother is not seeing or is in denial.

[@vjs4539]

He didn't cheat on his ex because he felt lost and unloved. He cheated on his wife because the only person he cares about on this planet is himself.

[@blueseptember2174]

Cheaters will say whatever they have to to garner sympathy and not be a "bad guy"

[@kathylovesmk]

I've listened to tons of your shows, but today hit me! I'm not okay with me, so everyone FEELS me grasping at them for love. 🤯💔 I will start today, looking in the mirror and saying "I love this woman." Thank you!!

[@reneeantwi-boasiako3974]

That was powerful for me too❤

[@tucky3191]

Be gracious with yourself healing takes time you got this ❤️

[@kathylovesmk]

​@@tucky3191thank you 💖

[@laneyac2000]

I feel the same, this video was as if a hit on gut for me!

[@elainemarie1473]

Sending hugs 💞💞💞

[@monsutades9999]

Sounds like a classic Avoidant X Anxious attachment dance :( im hoping he can find inner peace and she can find her peace to open up and be truthful.

[@kellykirk4244]

My first marriage ended from serial cheating. I would NEVER date someone who cheated on their wife. I think his girlfriend knows deep down he is not the answer for her. He is not going to make her feel safe.

[@saras2432]

Exactly. Lesson learned.

[@wadewhite7469]

If she called in, Dr. J should tell her to drop this guy.

[@saras2432]

She did. It took another 4 months, but she did. Thanks.

[@shaunamcilwraith1064]

Any clues on how I can find that episode? Around what date was it released?

[@Hina749]

She just not love him as much. But whether he loves her a much as he thought may not be reliable. He might be just suffering from the syndrome of "the thing that I cannot have is the best and most important thing in the world.

[@Reina277]

I love how you made sure and made it clear how serious cutting and suicidal thoughts are. I'm guessing that he was very insensitive to the way the daughter was reacting and the mother realized that and steeped back..

[@victoriadelbando3283]

This is all too messy! He needs to move on! Can’t he see his girlfriend can’t give him what he needs now? She’s got a lot on her plate. He needs to work on himself big time!

[@ireneswackyjournals8810]

So does she. And she also needs to put the daughter in her actual place to. Because kids want you to not have any love life other than your ex. And that means that she needs to go to therapy and the daughter needs is even more so. If not any man she dates will have the same issue with the daughter

[@fishtail1129]

He doesn’t seem to realize how much his lying about debt hurt her. “I said I was sorry”. No, you acknowledge her hurt. Lying is a betrayal, especially to someone who was cheated on. He sounds so desperate and infatuated, and dismissive of her daughter’s issues. Dude needs to back the heck off. I suspect she got too serious way too fast and is wisely rethinking this relationship.

[@chancepeace2064]

Man, this woman is trying to stay away from you and she has excuses to use. She has already figured you out being a cheater (in your previous marriage) and a liar. You have so much in common with the man who broke her heart😢

[@vickimerritt2832]

yes, he is the posterboy for red flags.

[@vickimerritt2832]

Controlling. needy. Too into self. High status jobs that will be stressful, require his many abcesences once he gets her locked into him (and cheating opportunities?) and afford him power status (to exert an inferior status on her and her daughter?)plus his lack of empathy for this woman or her child, his bragging self given ego strokes and a confessed cheater with no money sense and previously lied about debt. Guy has danger warning flashing red light all over him. Upticking his status oriented jobs, while severely dishonest to himself about his relationship ruining behaviors or others pain. This woman is in his view just another hill to conqueor, and then move on. Run! Lady, Run!

[@vickimerritt2832]

ps John missed his mark as he often does on military or successful but egotistical military men or men with status jobs. Guy does not come off as not loving himself at all, but the opposite. He thinks his status jobs give him a "Get out of jail free card." Emotionally immature, to boot. Danger zone written all over him. Run, lady.

[@saras2432]

Thanks all. I ran. Brokenhearted, but I got out. I wish I'd read all these comments months ago. 😔

[@1113caligrl]

I think there was a huge part of this call that was overlooked. If this woman has a 14-year-old who is cutting herself and threatening to commit suicide, and they ended up getting married, I guarantee you they would be divorced in a year. Trying to blend families is hard enough, but when you have a troubled teen involved it is doom for the new marriage. I’ve seen it over and over again with my friends. He should move on.

[@sherryd3299]

Poor 14 year girl. Her life was blown up, her security gone, she now shares her dad with his new woman and shares her mom with her new man. The life, security and safety she always knew is gone. She's talking of suicide and she's cutting herself. Her mother is right to stop dating until her daughter has graduated high school. It's sad the caller is only focused on his love and relationship with the poor girl's mother. Hardly any attention at all to this young girl's misery. Nobody ever cares about the children. I know, I was a child of divorce and watched my parent's second marriages go bad too. Nobody cares about what the children are going through.

[@user-zy9yg2eu5t]

The way i deal with relationships is that if they disagree with me i challenge them to a kung-fu contest.

[@eliocosmos]

As one does.

[@judyjetson8542]

😂😂😂

[@pr00t805]

personally I engage in a dance battle

[@catiewilkerson7561]

@@pr00t805nah, a rap battle is where it’s at

[@ashley-js5rk]

😂😂😂

[@laneyac2000]

Wow…. Did not expect this outcome, Dr. John nailed it! I relate so much to this video, thank you for the inspiration.

[@RobRikerTechChannel]

I don't normally comment here, but some glaring stuff going on. 1. She's got WAY too many things going in her life right now to give you the time and effort you're looking for. 2. You've gotta be ok with you first before you can go looking for someone to be with, specifically being comfortable being alone. 3. You HAVE to get yourself right in all areas, financially, emotionally and mentally before you can get into a relationship with someone. 4. When you do get into a relationship, they should add value to it in some way, not cause you grief, pain, or discomfort, if they do, re-assess them. 5. Once you've found that person, you gotta be honest, transparent and open with them about everything. I say it's time to walk from this "relationship" and focus on yourself first. She needs to figure herself out first. She HAS to be able to make you a priority in her life if you're getting engagement/marriage serious, and she is NOT there at all. My dad and stepmom were like this, us kids fought all the time over everything, they shouldn't have gotten married, but did anyway. You need to figure yourself out with what makes you happy. You work in law, stressful position to be in. Get yourself right first where it matters and then focus on adding someone that brings value to your life, she is NOT adding anything to your life right now, and I doubt she ever will.

[@demon-mk2jm]

A lot of people give advice when they can't even manage their own life (I do it too). Here's a thing. My best friend and her husband wanted another child and so many people condemned them, including my twin, because they were poor. I told my sister it's not money that counts, it's the love. Years later they now have a big happy family, 4 beautiful children and counting, and they couldn't be happier. I guess my point is, there really is never a right time for anything. I'm with someone who loves me dearly with his whole heart even tho I'm going thru it. So I hope maybe you'll rethink some things. Thank you for my Ted talk LoL

[@RobRikerTechChannel]

@@demon-mk2jm I stand behind what I said.

[@irenem3854]

My advice as someone who has been there is to don't date while you have minor children. It sucks, but you will save yourself unbelievable amounts of crap.

[@blueseptember2174]

What age is best in your experience to wait til?

[@irenem3854]

@blueseptember2174 Wait til your child is in college. Like 18. When they are living their own life.

[@shachede6828]

I guess all great step parents should have stayed single right? And the kids never have a good father figure or mother figure in thier life.

[@chancepeace2064]

​@@shachede6828, if the kids are young like under 10 yrs of age, remarrying can be easier as they adapt to having a step parent but trying to remarry when your kids are going through adolescence is not a good idea. They are strugglibg figuring out who they are, hormones are messing them up and you try to bring a replacement of their other parent? It is a bad idea.

[@irenem3854]

@shachede6828 They are rare. Parents need to put their children first in front of their love life. Especially if you have teenagers. I guess if your child is so young, they wouldn't remember any difference, it may work

[@lindacornell7881]

Her responsibility is to her daughter first. Are you willing to wait for her to rise children. Take this time to get your finances in order. Ask her point blank do you see us having a future together. Children only grow up once her daughter needs more than you do right now.

[@videofan1010]

Sir - she's stressed out and you're doing a lot, lol. Can't see the forest for the trees.

[@isabellac8004]

"if youre not ok with you, everybody feels you trying to get something from them. And some people want that always ends up in an unhealthy dynamic" WOW I have not heard someone phrase that so coherently.

[@candyland4021]

It is so hard to say you like/love yourself BUT it's such good practice to say it and learn to love yourself.

[@TurnLemons2Lemonade_]

Ok the love languages, I’ve found that asking someone to speak my language who doesn’t naturally do it, is impossible. Some people really aren’t huggers and cuddlers, for example.

[@calebburghardt3391]

Whatever the reasons, valid or not, she seems not ready for that level of relationship and he is obsessed for pursuing that deep kind of relationship. I’m afraid he’s in for a world of hurt. I feel bad for him, just because I think he’s a little delusional.

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

I think you're right. He's delusional because he doesn't seem to understand the woman's situation and needs. She's obviously still hurting and trying to heal but that's tougher when she has to focus on the daughter's health. It's going to take her time and he wants it now.

[@ssiegreen5292]

I don't think he's delusional - he just wants something more than what she wants or can give...

[@calebburghardt3391]

@@ssiegreen5292 maybe delusional is dramatic, but I think he’s mistaken about the state of his relationship, and how fast he wants things to move.

[@taylorsampson5434]

Clingy is terrible. Don’t do it, don’t deal with it.

[@lifeaccordingtotheo9643]

His attachment style seems to be Anxious Attached and her attachment style seems to be Avoident Dismissive. They need to do therapy or move on. A broke attorney is strange and seems like a red flag. Debt. Cheating. Always searching for externals to complete him...he needs a lot of therapy.

[@NatashaD-ft4lu]

that’s what I thought so too.. an attorney who is broke..? yikes

[@paulatobler8354]

The majority of attorneys don’t make a lot compared to law school debt. There are really high earners and really low earners alike but high student loan debt sprinkled on all of them.

[@Lizestechreviews]

She is so obviously not in love with him, not infatuated. And he is nothing but blinded by love and infatuation.

[@JP-ll8iy]

It’s too much for her and so she’s pulling back. Between her daughter and this guy being too forward, she’s not ready. I can feel his desperation. He sounds decent though but he may be trying too soon and hard to get back into a relationship when he should probably wait a bit.

[@vjs4539]

And she's active duty military. She should not be dating at all

[@MoonriseJT-Official]

I've noticed a common issue in my relationships, typically lasting about six months. Many of the guys I've dated had a problem with my response time to their texts. Juggling work and personal life sometimes meant I couldn't reply instantly; it might take an hour or two. But the insistence on constant contact, like demanding 'good morning' texts every day, felt stifling, resembling to a work routine. This pressure to always be available, responding to texts and calls, became overwhelming. It dawned on me that it was a way of exerting control. That realization led me to decide to stay single for now, and surprisingly, I've found peace and genuine happiness in this choice. At the moment, I'm content and not actively pursuing dating 🙂 For the trolls in the comments who seem to want examples, here's one: One of the guys texted me at 1 pm, I replied at 1:15pm, and he made a lot of fuss about why I replied to him that late 🙄. For me, that was a red flag!

[@ireneswackyjournals8810]

Thing is that… that we ask this of men in relationships as well. It is just a particular personality type. I’ve been the woman that has had the guy like that but I’ve been the woman to see other friends driving their boyfriends bonkers as well. Both sides like to play games

[@Ryan-wx1bi]

Wondering if you found these guys online dating? A lot of times guys who online date and act this way because they have nobody to talk to and are lonely AF. So they become clingy and use a woman they find online to fill all their social needs.

[@Driftercat]

I was the same when I dated. It was a constant complaint and I genuinely thought I was better off and much happier single. Then I met my husband and realized a large part of it was lack of real interest on my end. It was to the point where my husband would ask me inane questions like what I had for breakfast and I bafflingly but willingly played along. After texting like teenagers for a while (and him teaching me to communicate) we found the intersection between trust and interest and space we're both comfortable at. All this to say that maybe you do need more space than other people, but maybe you also haven't found someone who in your eyes is worth finding the middle ground for :)

[@jackdeniston59]

@@Driftercat That would be my take. The chick is not really DEMONSTRATING any genuine interest in the guy, so they are nervy about it. To be fair, very few women ever demonstrate, it is all take. Even when the woman is keen, no idea how, or even that it is part of being human.

[@Driftercat]

@@jackdeniston59 sounds like you have a history of liking women who don't reciprocate at your level. Don't assume that it's always the man who wants more. I had my share of people I liked who didn't reciprocate, but once I understood where I stood I was instantly less attracted to them and backed off (I'm lucky that's my instinct). The trick is to find someone who doesn't have to play games to keep you interested, and learn to maintain the connection. People who are truly into you will show it, although it's true honesty and vulnerability is difficult. That goes for men and women.

[@vjs4539]

The girlfriend has no business dating when she has a daughter that desperately needs help. Mom shouldn't be dating anyone!!

[@wenchyfoodwench4098]

Totally agree!

[@saras2432]

Yup. Mom is not dating anymore. This one hurt too much. 😞

[@nikstar1313]

Red flag hello!!! He doesn’t gaf about her children… He minimised the teens actions.. teens pick up on bad energy

[@usernameheda]

the way he talks about her daughter is crazy; her daughter will always come first you baby

[@alluringbliss4165]

Some people really don’t value their children and have low morals. To marry your mistress and have no regards for your children, that’s seek

[@saras2432]

The whole situation was heartbreaking. It was almost a decade ago. I thought I'd found someone to finally move on with. But I was wrong. You all heard it in this call before I did.

[@briankelly7978]

She’s not that into you bro

[@Proppa-Gander]

🎯

[@shaunamcilwraith1064]

Hearing that she said the “highs are so high, but the lows are so low” is sending off alarm bells to me. I hear abused women say this a lot.

[@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom]

I suspect that he’s just a rebound to her & she’s not really serious about him, and he can feel that subconsciously, which is why he’s so clingy… he’s desperate for reassurance. I don’t see someone who had a traumatic divorce caused by infidelity, moving on with another guy who is a cheater. I think she used her daughter as an excuse to break off their engagement… I’m not saying it’s not a good reason to pause, I’m saying I think she was relieved to have an excuse. This guy is very clearly using her to fill gaps in his life and in himself and she’s using him to pass the time while she gets over her ex husbands betrayal.

[@saras2432]

He was not the rebound guy. After 10 years of being divorced, I thought I found someone. I guess I was wrong.

[@foedeer]

He sounds like a passionate person who is sensitive to the highs and lows of his experiences. I hope he can see that he is the source of those highs and lows, not his girlfriend. I can see how he practiced infidelity, because he thinks that everything outside of him is giving him those feelings. It'll continue to work against him if he doesnt spend time knowing himself better - alone. I think the girlfriend made the right choice to pause the marriage.

[@saras2432]

Exactly...worked against him all the way to the end 😞

[@bernadettehuff2984]

Wow it is really all about him..... LOL

[@kcourtney6826]

I really feel for this woman's daughter, and this man doesn't love this woman only what he thinks she can do for him, between him and her ex husband she needs to take a break from men and focus on her kids.

[@saras2432]

Agree completely! It's a welcome break!

[@HangNguyen-ih8rf]

Dude she’s not that into you that’s all. On 2nd thought, she’s more into the well being of her teenage daughter than you. Which should be the right thing to do as a single mom good for her.

[@ireneswackyjournals8810]

Ever wondered if your own cheating has caused you to slowly become fearful that others are as well? Basically that you want her to keep tabs out go fear that she’s doing the same to you that you did to your ex. And that’s where I think you need another therapist to see if that’s how you are now due to your own history. Second, she’s not that into you. As someone with finance background to be honest we kind of have odd personalities and are emotionally disconnected at times. I think it comes with one of business. I kind of find your crush cute. I haven’t seen or heard the infatuation level crush in a long time. And while I’m not as hateful or fearful of it because American women tend to want men that don’t cry despite claiming they do and because we claim we want an emotionally there guy we kind of don’t…. In your case I think part of that is fear. Let her go. In all honesty she has a daughter that mental condition or not, is traumatized by the divorce and she and her daughter need to both go into therapy. Because the daughter does need help but also needs to her out of her childhood narcissistic tendency of viewing the world through mom and dad will get back together. Which is probably also causing her current issue. This means the mother also needs help. To be frank I look at it this way: You have time to work on yourself. Get a little out of debt. Take some emotional traveling and discovery sessions. Take your kids. Date other woman. And find someone that likes you just as much as you like them. Maybe you’ll find another woman with another child that is more welcoming of you. But I’d caution to not hurry with marriage… just enjoy life.

[@cyoohoos]

If you ever ask that question then you know the answer

[@RepentImmediately]

John do you really think single parents are entitled to a love life? Not the kids' fault that their parents failed at marriage. After my parents divorced when I was 7, my dad went through about a dozen different girlfriends, all of whom he introduced me to, and my mom lived with 5 different guys before I turned 18. I know some people are blessed with really amazing step-parents after their parents divorce but I didn't have a bond with any of his girlfriends and all of her boyfriends were either abusive, criminals, and/or hard drug and alcohol users. I'm curious what the research says about the way single parents' love lives affect their children.

[@HangNguyen-ih8rf]

So sorry to hear that

[@Driftercat]

I think everyone is entitled to romantic love including single parents, but definitely not at the expense of existing children. I'm sorry you went through that, you didn't deserve it.

[@charcoaldove3195]

I love this episode so much.

[@robinharris4247]

Fake it until you make it. Eventually you will get there.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Huh?

[@kathedeangelis1295]

I am such a true believer that divorced couples that have children should not get involved with anybody until that child is either 18 years old or out of the house… More and more children are the ones that suffer for the parents decision to divorce… The moment you have a child, it is no longer your life. It is now the life of that child that you take care of and keep safe, and bringing men and women out of these children lives does nothing but confuse them… I never had a child in my lifetime. It seems like I have cared more for children than people that were able to have children… People please put the children first… Take care of yourself last-and what I mean about that is take care of yourself physically and emotionally but don’t bring other people into these children’s lives until they can handle it and it’s usually when they become adults

[@Melchang99]

“Typical teenager”… bye. Daughter knows he’s not going to be a good step father already lol

[@GUITARTIME2024]

CALLER, you need to back off. Give that lady the gift of your absence.

[@gemmadubbydubz7786]

His behaviour affects her daughter THAT negatively? This needs to be looked into.

[@abrareads]

This is exactly why the percentage of second marriages end in divorce at an even higher rate. He sounds pretty immature and has not dealt with his issues.

[@wenchyfoodwench4098]

Well he should be extraneous to Her kids and the same goes for her. But he cheated on his ex? That’s kind of asking to be hurt on her part but he could be projecting. IMO. It does sound like they’re probably not a match. They should both be worrying about parenting their kids. And given her daughter’s issues and his hiding debt she should run , her kids need her not her bf drama.

[@mikenance4713]

no one is a "Match", i hate that term. You work towards having a good marriage, it doesnt just perfectly fall into place like an uno game.

[@wenchyfoodwench4098]

@@mikenance4713 I disagree. When you get to know someone and your values align as well as everything else then you can be a match. Or maybe compatible is a better word. But dating is how you discern that. But it’s ok if you don’t agree 😀

[@tariq980]

Once a cheater , always a cheater

[@Tiredttttttt]

Once a cheater always a cheater ✌🏽

[@SilverGirlAu]

I think this caller is a walking red flag... work on you before you link with someone else

[@MsDominiqueLouise]

this episode got me.

[@ethan4048]

This relationship is probably over but I’m so glad John called out how bs love languages are. Straight up pseudoscience

[@masonvanmeurs6683]

The whole point of the book is categorizing the ways to show love allows us to understand ourselves and our partner better. This understanding allows us to love our partner better which is exactly what John was talking about.

[@RepentImmediately]

How is understanding what makes your partner feel loved bullshit? Also, the author of the book never claimed it was a science; he wrote it based on his experience working with couples. John said if you're "in tune" with your spouse then you know what they need and yet he's repeatedly talked about how badly he wanted his wife to tell him she was proud of him, which she didn't do. His language is words of affirmation and she was oblivious.

[@sallyhemings2295]

Nope 👎🏽 Dr John Love Languages ARE about giving your partner what THEY need in their love language but that’s not easy to do.

[@sabrinaliu66]

this guy is illusional, i dont think she is that into him.

[@Jeremy-wp4yh]

She's a mother. There's a difference.

[@tariq980]

Delusional *

[@Kathyyyyy123]

I think she’s not that into him, she’s emotionally unavailable.

[@davibm10]

This one was meant for me to hear..

[@judybaker3196]

Yeah you’ve told that on the show.

[@jacindaKW]

Does anyone know the episode title that the caller is referring to?

[@xavier7666]

If you’re a male + yr asking that question, the answer is “yes”.

[@ryand7713]

Dude, Run.

[@joeymak2000]

If you can’t say you love yourself in the mirror how do you get to that point??

[@MCC4RTHY1]

Matt sounds like an amazing guy. It’s sad that I feel like “she’s just not that into you” that’s the vibe I’m getting. Some relationships aren’t forever some are just for a season. It’s time to have a hard talk with her because if I was her and my daughter went back to her fathers you would definitely be more a part of my life. Best of luck.

[@RepentImmediately]

He cheated on his ex-wife and seemingly has a lot of debt. He's also dismissive about her daughter's mental health. What's amazing about him?

[@RepentImmediately]

John, have your read the Love Languages? The focus isn't on compatibility, it's on understanding what makes your partner feel loved and CHOOSING to give them love in the way(s) that most speaks to them.... Most partners have different love languages and that's the point.... What makes you feel loved isn't necessarily what makes your partner feel loved and that's why so many people feel unloved in their marriages... partners aren't speaking each other's languages because they don't know what each other's language is, and are sometimes feeling unappreciated because their default mode of expressing love isn't resonating with their partner. You felt unloved when your wife didn't tell you she was proud of what you've accomplished....she definitely wasn't in-tune with your valid need for words of affirmation. Being able to communicate to a spouse the specific behaviors that make you feel loved is a GREAT thing. How many times have you heard "I'm not a mind reader!" It's pretty much the same thing as when you ask your wife, "how can I love you today?" And sure, that answer may evolve over time but I bet words of affirmation will always feel good to you. And with that being said, you have a great personality and are a really knowledgeable advisor. You're helping a lot of people and you should be proud of your service to others.

[@sourapril]

but some people don't like to be touched.

[@jennifersilves4195]

This man is oblivious. She has a daughter having serious issues and he has a lot of debt he lied about and that he wants her help with. The daughter needs her mother. She's already lost her father to the other woman.

[@usernameheda]

dismissing the childs self harm as just 'typical teenage thing' is weird af, this guy is a weirdo

[@JazzKitti]

Damn right! That this cat didn't tell him he's being a selfish, needy tool is nine kinds of OUT! Where is the honesty, Doc? This overgrown child doesn't need to tell himself he loves himself! He does that quite enough! What he needs is to snap TF out of LaLaLand, get himself some help, and own HIS dishonest, childish role in the making of his own problems! That he dismissed a teenager's extremely serious mental health struggles as "typical" and "I hate mom" is about as crappy as it gets. Put that together with all the dishonesty and cheating... yeah, no. His whole worldview (wherein he is the center, end-all, and be-all) needs a serious overhaul, and he needs to be honest with himself about WHO HE IS!!!

[@RaspberryRetrograde]

Can anyone link to the call that he is referring to at the start of this j episode?

[@RepentImmediately]

Is My Boyfriend Manipulating Me? Nov. 8

[@uhhggg9335]

He doesn’t even care about his own kids. What the hell is the girlfriend thinking. 😂😂

[@mariealmon4137]

Ask her what do need

[@rattusmasta25]

it’s 2023. why are we still dating other people who don’t match our own energy? leave her, bro. go find a woman that will text you and call you as often as you do.

[@deeprollingriver52]

If you have to ask……you are.

[@JJJJ-he8bz]

I use to be like this 10 years ago and to the life of me I don’t understand how it happened. Men need to stop allowing women to have such an impact on their happiness I don’t know where it comes from or if it’s just a natural thing but it’s so dangerous and pathetic. Like if someone doesn’t sign your paycheck, pay your bills or put food on your table they shouldn’t have much impact on you. The woman just seems stressed just leave her alone. Dude is an attorney and is in the military I don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate that. He’s more than capable of standing on is own.

[@RepentImmediately]

It's called emotional attachment and it's akin to an addiction. He spoke of "intensity".... He's getting hormonal hits to the brain.

[@JJJJ-he8bz]

@@RepentImmediatelyYes, it felt like that for me as well. It feels like your under a spell but this guy has so much going for his self and is successful. If he can get through the military and law school he should be more than mentally tough enough not to be so dependent on someone. I was just a young 21 year old who was failing out of community college and had no work experience. I literally had NOTHING going for my self.

[@vickimerritt2832]

While those jobs have status and pay well, they also scream this guy is not family guy material at all. Married but single is NOT what this woman or her daughter needs. They need emotional stability and calm. Not the moral bankruptcy this guys lack of insight of others needs, not just his own displays. Plus, he is a confessed cheater and dishonest to himself and her. Daughter has clarity.

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@JJJJ-he8bzit's pretty literally an addiction, and many successful people have addictions. And a lot of people pour themselves into work because they need the validation of a successful career. He seems to need A LOT of validation so that need may have been what motivated him in his career as well. But validation from external sources is never enough to fill the void of not being able to validate yourself.... he's seeking constant reassurance from her. He's got a lot going on and also just sounds immature. Some people never really mature emotionally.

[@michaelpalumbo4880]

How about just seeing the chick when the both of you don't have your kids in tow. I mean really, why do you want to wife up and move in with this chick and support her kids from another man. Her daughter did you a gigantic favor and has more common sense then you.

[@ajacobs6042]

So he’s clingy, needy, deeply in debt, and wants more attention than her mentally struggling child?🤦🏽‍♀️

[@saras2432]

Yup.

[@Tristum1970]

He’s very smitten with the girlfriend but that’s because he just *wants it to work. Sorry I don’t think this woman will work out for him. just a sense I have

[@saras2432]

Your sense was right.

[@FabulousCucumber-ip9hu]

Big imbalance here. I don't know this has distance.

[@saras2432]

It didn't

[@monsitime9370]

This episode…. Wow…..

[@jasoneaton9477]

Sorry.. i cant relate. This foreign land to me

[@ashley-js5rk]

I think it’s good to be single until you have your life more together. Just saying 12:18

[@saraliburd7752]

He’s got anxious attachment style-she’s calling the shots so it’s triggering his anxiety I think they shouldn’t be together and he needs to heal and get into trauma therapy asap