Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held

Today Now's Jim Haggerty attends the annual Valentine's Day stoning, which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere.

[@camilogarciaylasaari1857]

Look at them embracing each other when they realise this is their last day on this Earth. We get it, you're together! Can't you keep your hands to yourselves for five seconds?

[@killrkorpse5992]

nice blue meanie pfp

[@Sydney-Casket-Base]

@@killrkorpse5992 yea! i wouldnt have noticed it if u hadnt pointed it out. also nice emo garfield pfp

[@FrostRare]

Let’s see if they can alternate SCREAMS OF TERROR AMD AGONY now. Just like cute little voice mail eh _love birds_ ???!!

[@danquaylesitsspeltpotatoe8307]

these classic Onions are hilarious unlike the crap they make these days!

[@tvre0]

@@danquaylesitsspeltpotatoe8307 the parodies of the reddit readi bc d are pretty good lol

[@bijuutamer729]

The voicemail alone was worth the stones

[@editsonimovie8681]

agreementashun

[@reterbid6215]

I sentence them to 1 death sentence for every-time they alternated

[@thepuppetmaster9813]

I thought it was cute

[@duckpanther6768]

@@thepuppetmaster9813 bleh

[@Reignor99]

@@thepuppetmaster9813 I'm gonna need 20 pictures of you and your partner.

[@chronucul3157]

me before voicemails: "oh come on, they can't be that bad!" me after voicemails: "oh yeah, stone 'em."

[@josebenardi1554]

I see you're a man of reason

[@frostyflames7864]

@@josebenardi1554 it's reason then 👴💄

[@mp4f]

I thought it was kinda cute

[@Holistic-Hallucinations]

@@mp4f please stop

[@mp4f]

@@Holistic-Hallucinations no

[@Jazalicious]

"Excuse me for a minute, Tracy, I'm gonna go get in there myself!" *holds up rock with hand with wedding ring*

[@maxopium6072]

Yea they aren't an annoying couple

[@2headedtasman200]

Max Opium The point is that the event is held for singles to get their anger out on annoyingly happy couples. The dude is married, so he has no reason to throw the stone besides just being a bloodthirsty bastard.

[@orchdork775]

He could be in a miserable marriage, to be fair

[@ethanl5527]

@@orchdork775 yeah look up "how to play golf against the man whose wife you're banging on the side"

[@JAy-vx3vw]

Get me 169 subs and I will reveal something It’s time to reveal something

[@2thomask]

The purge: valentines day

[@NeLeeSawn]

You nailed it.

[@lordofthecats6397]

I would unironically see that

[@baldANDfat]

I'm wheezing 😭💀

[@zoewells3160]

No, dummy. This is based on The Lottery, by Shirley Jackson.

[@williamrosenbloom215]

@@zoewells3160 Thank you!

[@machoke666]

I voted for Matt and Rachel, sigh... there's always next year

[@greatdonutgod1424]

Suits?

[@Creedio90]

Pants?

[@sedditguy1836]

That's Mike.

[@lukesylvester2022]

@etch not a n y m o r e

[@lukesylvester2022]

@etch not a n y m o r e

[@cmur078]

this is one american tradition that I am definitely in favour of importing. We need this now!

[@DoctressZ]

@Business Shark This comment is obviously a joke

[@SimpPolice-ky3bj]

Implementing*

[@maxwellcota3543]

Mod Mark Importing* as in they live in a country besides the United States and they would like to adopt the American tradition

[@cmur078]

@@maxwellcota3543 thank you, that was exactly what I meant. Also: wow, I really wasn't funny seven years ago (I'm still not, but at least I'm more self-aware about it now)

[@andrewsutherland133]

@Business Shark I understand your perspective, I just dont agree. I think black people should be able to marry. I'll admit you made a good point about industrial abortion farms (was pretty shocked to hear that) but the thing is the news is saying there is a vaccine for coronavirus now, so if that is the case, then we can lower taxes without going to war with Iran

[@FrNSICs]

as infuriating as this couple is, i think it's sweet that he was using his body to shield her from the stoning really makes you wanna get in there and throw a couple stones yourself!!

[@ganii1804]

Seeing him protect his beloved makes me want to grab piece of rebar and hurl it towards them instead

[@TCt83067695]

You monsters 😂

[@jamesdouglass2724]

You had me in the first half, I’m not gonna lie

[@jonas3333]

Nice save! You were about to be considered for this year's stoning! :)

[@misguidedkpopper8674]

@@ganii1804 I'd drive a truck at them.

[@tyu3456]

I totally thought they were going to get high... boy was i wrong

[@mr.yusgamer8311]

Me too

[@bobobsen]

You're an idiot

[@TheThumbsUpGuy]

The fact it was in Colorado definitely helped me make that assumption

[@missruckaaas1706]

Same

[@mikkovaan8636]

This is why I browse the comment section. Thanks! :D

[@smokugoku]

I'm glad the stoning has become more inclusive now!!! We're stoning a gay couple this year, Sam and J.C.! I'm waiting at the circle rn, wish me luck!!!

[@wrong7495]

So how was the stoning??

[@chill-_-839]

@@wrong7495 well, it got off to a rocky start

[@scorpioigor]

Just your casual homophobia

[@dulce5616]

@@scorpioigor wasn't homophobic

[@PBDNR]

@@scorpioigor the joke is that a gay couple is being stoned for being happy and making others sad about not having a couple. in this onion universe being stoned is something that happens to couples who are in relationships seen as valid by the stoners. so like stoning a gay couple is progress!

[@Notcoolmom]

They’re the kind of couple who posts a photo on Instagram of them kissing captioned “I honestly can not believe it’s already been 3 months. I am so lucky to have you in my life💕”

[@Satan666Official]

A 6 month relationship is an eternity for these people 😂

[@zapkvr]

@@Satan666Official all that sex does tend to become a tad wearying

[@GraggleSimpson4ever]

@@zapkvr I hope they only used god's loophole

[@chiensyang]

What would happen if the couple publicly announced their breakup before the stoning?

[@Bubba1960.]

They're "soulmates".

[@BoBnfishy]

I love how supportive Tracy was of Jim getting in there and throwing a stone. You Don't always see that from coworkers.

[@turtleofpride4572]

Go get'em Jim :D

[@theneedledrop]

thank you onion, thank you!

[@vice88]

exon exon You first.

[@Lyw1234567890]

theneedledrop no, thank YOU Anthony

[@ItumelengS]

Oh oh I put it on 69 oh oh my gawd oh my gawd

[@Hello-zi4bj]

Oh hi Anthony

[@Creedio90]

eight years

[@spetsnatzlegion3366]

Whoever cancelled this year’s stoning is gonna pay for it. Instead of joining me, the crowd around the young couple started screaming, calling the cops etc. I don’t get it. Did I find the wrong couple?

[@likhochokri6849]

Don't worry mate. As soon as i have enough money to travel, I'm getting there and teaming up with you.

[@davidklaube497]

Hey Just forget about it. When i got startet with this Trend i didnt even know it exists until i saw it in the News and now my Village does it every day.

[@OLBastholm]

I'm sure they were just trying to stone the police. You don't have to always assume the worst of other people

[@Oscar4u69]

was she wearing a white dress? maybe they wanted to keep the dress clean for the next couple, you should've waited a little, so the dress wouldn't get damaged

[@livesinsewersirl]

as the years go on, more and more stonings will be cancelled due to some weird laws that passed, and our beloved tradition will be forgotten, as most of americas amazing culture has been cast away and forgotten as well

[@Steven_Bo1]

It almost bring a tear to my eye whenever I think about how inclusive we have become as a society. This years happy couple was Dwayne and Brian and boy did we not hold back. Happy Pride month everyone ❤

[@tpd1864blake]

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🪨🪨🪨🪨❤️❤️

[@danielbartholomew4037]

You don't have to be a bitter single to acknowledge that voicemail made the couple deserve the stoning.

[@daneiten1]

Sure helps

[@Cierinal]

This is legitimately how I feel about couples on Valentines Day.

[@barry_crisp]

IKR

[@spyrosdeloglou8970]

murdoku Or any other god damned day, for that matter.

[@s21411]

of course, you're jealous.

[@mtracy244]

I used to work in an office where on Valentine's Day most of the young ladies would receive floral deliveries by courier from their boyfriends. Showing off!! It's bullshit, IMO. 😒

[@obscure4847]

@Noel Hann thank you for this comment

[@Glace1221]

This needs to be an international tradition!

[@mcmoistyboi4662]

My friend, you were the beginning of the end...i see you everywhere

[@kevinmurphy8431]

It is if you're located in the Middle East!

[@DeletedChannel379]

I went to the 2023 annual stoning with my boyfriend who I was on the brink of breaking up with at the time and our couple’s therapist who convinced us to join her to celebrate together in what she was adamant was ‘the happiest day of the year’. Our therapist guided us in the experience and helped us realize on that day that by directing our unfounded aggression towards others rather than towards each other, we can have a healthier relationship! What a magical and transformative experience! Because of it, we’re still together today and now expecting our first child to make the blood sacrifice to the Mayan god Tohil and prosper. We’re truly blessed!

[@Melody_Raventress]

Make sure you rip the heart out in front of the God's altar so you get plenty of blood to Him. Then cast the body down the temple stairs and don't forget to save the head for your skull rack! It's a common first timers mistake to throw away the whole body, but you want to keep that skull, you always treasure your first!

[@ReatExists]

i thought the joke was you were going to be the next stoning nominee

[@bentisdale9001]

Why only one couple?

[@XxZigiixX]

Ben Tisdale Because we are civilized people.

[@mr.moodle8836]

It makes it all the more special when that time of year comes around :)

[@svenko]

The judges sadly couldn't pick any more ;:(

[@ecos889]

It's one couple a state today now is a top quality local New York state day time tv show!

[@quietcorner293]

@@mr.moodle8836 Yes and next year will be another couple.

[@Ethan-cz8xq]

I used to hate Valentine's Day, but this changed all that. I'm going to talk to my school's administration about instituting the practice here!

[@chrisrojas3561]

2:02 The brutal sound of the brick had me in stitches XD

[@demondwilson706]

The Onion has chosen my home town to base a video in! My life is complete

[@Silverdynamix]

Demond Wilson Same!

[@applepieforbreakfast4322]

Where do you live and our you my friend ellis

[@vinetail5735]

They based the horse head in Burger King hamburger very near my hometown

[@keaganscott9808]

I come back here every year to watch this. Happy Valentine’s Day.

[@SpikoDreams]

A lovely tradition

[@tkx86]

God I love the onion, no matter how shit my life can feel sometimes or my day goes they always leave me happy and smiling.

[@applepieforbreakfast4322]

Im from Fort Collins Colorado, it was nice for you guys to show the culture of our city.

[@charliedillon1400]

Me too! But, clearly this was just a made up video. I mean , there were like three black people in that crowd at the gazebo.

[@Professortorcoolguy1]

Nah. It's pretty normal. I mean, didn't you ever stone someone on Valentine's Day? It's so cathartic.

[@ImNotaRussianBot]

It's early spring emotional cleaning.

[@GwPoKo]

I can't wait for this year's event! It really is my family's favorite time of the year. We go down to the stoning circle, get a few corn dogs and sodas, and wait for the intolerable couple to be brought in! happy valentines day everyone!

[@pendingchanges...]

That first stone throw got me dying i didnt think it would look like it actually hurt.

[@Just_Some_Guy_with_a_Mustache]

"They do say, that over in the north village they’re talking of giving up the lottery.” “Pack of crazy fools. Listening to the young folks, nothing’s good enough for them. Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting to go back to living in caves, nobody work any more, live that way for a while. Used to be a saying about ‘Lottery in June, corn be heavy soon.’ First thing you know, we’d all be eating stewed chickweed and acorns. There’s always been a lottery."

[@selfloathinggameing]

I like you

[@caelum7717]

Great read back in high school

[@chaitea5635]

Exactly what I was thinking of!

[@penand_paper6661]

Just what I was thinking.

[@AntonDiwa]

I was waiting for someone to mention that

[@emizerri]

Oof! When that stone made connection 👌

[@Jefff72]

As someone married with two kids, they make me sick! Stone’m!

[@pranavkondapalli9306]

lol i read that wayy differently I thought you married two kids

[@anon3191]

Full support to this tradition

[@sevenwhatuknow]

I love Jim Haggerty. Such a news casts name

[@thetragedyofcommons]

the way he hurriedly walks off with such intent and focus is great

[@haphazard51]

Check out the male reporter's expressions when he's turning to get into the action at the end. He's getting down to business. Great acting.

[@harryturner8701]

As a lonely single person I wholeheartedly approve

[@corymichael8445]

I live in Fort Collins. I was there. Absolutely amazing atmosphere.

[@Zxgrhexbj]

I’m at work in the bathroom and that “oh horrible” after the voicemail caught me off guard I started laughing out loud with other people in here

[@isaiahthomas2477]

01:37 the happy look on Tracy's face when she heard the couple was there

[@ScypaxPictures]

I laughed so hard at the end. XD "I'm going to go get in there myself!" "Go get 'em Jim!"

[@milodoesgaming1203]

It’s that time of the year

[@josephstalin6549]

This is more relatable than actual news

[@Satan666Official]

The Onion IS the only actual news. The rest are all shills.

[@Feyser1970]

I always dreamt of doing that and finally. It happened somewhere in the USA, what a great country, thanks the onion for showing it

[@TheBazookap1mp]

I miss this.. onion has changed :(.

[@jedimind5337]

they all do after the men in black pay them a visit

[@anza323]

The Onion ran out of money. these videos are pretty expensive to produce. makes no financial sense to make. but I am glad that this exists

[@JudePoe]

OMG! I'm in one of "those" couples. Well, looks like I'm going to have to treat my fiance like dirt just to save our lives. Thank you Onion News!

[@somecrazyveteran]

*throws a brick* 🧱

[@ijustdocomments6777]

@@somecrazyveteran It's been 11 years, I'm sure they are no longer "one of those couples".

[@joshuadelafuent3]

@@ijustdocomments6777 You never know. Gotta throw one just to be safe.

[@the_advocate42]

We need to know, how's it been?

[@JudePoe]

@@the_advocate42 turns out it was horribly abusive the whole time, I was just starved for human contact. So the stoning was the psychological scars I got along the way :D

[@nise6699]

Happy to say that this tradition still lives on as I get to experience it first hand after 11 years! I managed to get a clear shot on the this year's happy couple's eyes, both of them, and they're now permanently blind and they kept beating them with trashcans and and whatever things that are lying near by. Don't worry guys, we kept distance as they are inside their house getting thrown and beat up by any debris lying around that we threw at their windows

[@planetary109]

I'm an 18 year old who hasn't attracted a single person in my life and has hqd a disturbing childhood so I would like to apply to be the first to throw my stones next year's stoning! :D

[@hoebeauxjeaux9765]

don't be sad. kids that days try and be grown up two soons. you will find who you is meant to love and who is meant to love you. my husband and I had been married for 14 years. you will find your husband too

[@Joetheshow445]

I'm with you man, I hate happy couples so much, really want to put them in a Thai clinch and break their faces with my knee cap

[@AkashMishra23]

There's this thing called "A Dark Sense of Humor" get with it

[@liamobrien9451]

The onion is making fun of you

[@DeathGripper1337]

Throw that stone in the air and try to catch it with your teeth, try it it cures everything!

[@zapkvr]

Even years later I still have the joy of finding random Onion videos I've never seen. I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad Vinton Cerf invented the internet.

[@pauljackson2409]

Tracy's 'Go get 'em, Jim!', cracks me up every time.

[@jimmym3352]

The way she said "Go get em' Jim" 😃

[@sallymoen6371]

I think I'll throw a water balloon filled with red Kool-Aid.

[@zaboza2011]

Sally Moen YOU MONSTER!

[@aaaaaaaa6685]

Sally Moen you are a very disgusting human being

[@atalentlessidiot7872]

Sally Moen I'll throw one full of lemon juice.

[@a_literal_brick]

Sally Moen throw a balloon full of battery acid

[@iSugarHeart]

I like you Sally the red will really liven up the crowd . theres nothing more frustrating than throwing rocks for an hour an not seeing any blood =(

[@HoneyHexaComb]

Valentines day 2021 , anyone ?

[@TheJadedJames]

I assume they couldn't hold this in 2021 because of coronavirus restrictions

[@what-jm1pd]

@@TheJadedJames Nope! The Williams couple was stoned this year, just wasn't recorded because it's "against the law" now.

[@breadstick4458]

Felt bad until I heard that voicemail, now I wanna get a rock

[@itsandyme9192]

Lucky people who got the opportunity to drop the boulder. I wish I could have been there.

[@jonpowell4246]

You've made me feel so much better, thank you.

[@soljwf5664]

I'm watching this on Valentine's Day and yes they deserve the stoning

[@OliverGrayhound]

I would like to nominate a couple I know.

[@jacobthornton9660]

OliverGrayhound lol

[@theevildrummingsithlord1492]

Is it a single couple or a couple couples?

[@anyoneofus9948]

Hearing that thud from the first brick, absolutely delightful!

[@stupiddog79]

Happy Valentine's Day 2024!

[@insurd]

"Go get 'em Jim :)" LOL

[@FedeArgentina]

awesome actors

[@clufkin508]

ooooh, Stone Em! That's my favorite line, I watch this every year for that.

[@ConcerninglyWiseAlligator]

I love this kind of events. Specially the satisfaction you get when you realize you injured yourself throwing a huge boulder at them! And knowing that gym bros spend the whole year training just to get to throw even heavier stuff at couples each year is truly inspiring.

[@japphan]

As a happy part of a happy couple, I find it so romantic to be pummeled by a mob. Did I mention we are happy together. We are both happy and together, but mainly happy. Together. Mainly together.

[@user.7710]

the 337 dislikes are from couples EXACTLY like this and yes they share a youtube channel because they can’t function without each other

[@livesinsewersirl]

those 337 dislikes will never be seen again (unless you have the dislikes plugin LOL)

[@abreknoxcho]

Stoning looks like fun

[@blackappleslo]

“Go get them Jim” 😂😂😂

[@TheGoodContent37]

This video should have 10 million views! It's a hidden gem of youtube.

[@izwald1]

"woo! stone em'!" no matter how many times i watch this, i can't help but bust up laughing

[@Fallingsnow57]

As a resident of Fort Collins, I can say that I greatly enjoy the annual Stoning.

[@HelpItIsMakingMeNameThings]

I was like "haha... ... ok kinda funny" through the whole thing and then they threw that first rock and after the sound of that hard impact I lost it.

[@waterdroplets1627]

*The video description are the best* 😂

[@fsvideos-rc]

I was finding it horrible until the part it showed their shared voice mail messages. From that moment I want to take a stone myself.

[@southrules]

Jim, always the traditional reporter. Draw blood Jim, draw blood... ❤️

[@nedflanders2943]

This is sick...and just what I needed today :)

[@kingslushie1018]

THE TIME HAS ARRIVED! It’s the day before valentine in 2019!

[@airnicco3255]

if I had a time machine I would send all the onion news videos to the past like in the 50s or 80s just to freak people out. Like how the hell did we become like this.

[@WilliamButcher26566]

For a similar experience just send it to your local senior citizen without telling them its satire. Send it to the bad type of senior citizen and it gets even better. The good caring types don't deserve to be messed with I'd say....

[@Liusila]

I’m saving this to share it around on Valentine’s.

[@daneiten1]

It really is the little things that makes yearn for simpler times.

[@Joetheshow445]

Oh man, if only this was real

[@liamobrien9451]

Bowtoyoursensi!!238 the onion is making fun of you

[@unknownname116]

@@liamobrien9451 So you are one of those that states the obvious?

[@mtracy244]

Lovey dovey couples make me wanna puke 🤢

[@braed6202]

@@mtracy244 that's because you've never experienced it yourself. Your subconscious is jealous.

[@mtracy244]

@@braed6202 yeah

[@robertevans7003]

Great tradition!

[@richardconner1283]

YOU GUYS ARE KILLING IT,PUN INTENDED.

[@hibaarif8888]

This was so good.

[@ltnagle2492]

It’s funnier when you realize these people are quite possibly a couple that work at the Onion that the rest of the workers see as the workplace couple with a great relationship and decided to do this. ...or they’re just cast members.

[@hibaarif8888]

I know a couple like this should I send them this video.

[@smoker6683]

Finally a holiday tradition I can get behind!

[@avidal6462]

Feels man!!! U are right get.

[@theodorebear6714]

I'm married but I wish this wasn't fictional.

[@deathbyathousandcats]

The pandemic temporarily stopped the annual event, but it'll be continued next year

[@noahz42]

The algorithm has blessed me with another one of these gems

[@k0valus585]

ahh, i already missed this year's. didn't even know this happened. so glad that the onion's here to inform people like me about the workings of the world.

[@zorohibiki]

here in mexico instead of bricks and rocks we throw baby cactuses and chihuahuas with rabies at a randomly chosen couple we give the first one to decide to break up the rabies vaccine and the other some tweezers

[@ATMOSK1234]

Knowing Jim's fate, I can't help but feel for the guy.

[@KirbSyde-vf4cf]

FanTASTIC!

[@enx2083]

The beginning shot reminded me of The Lottery so much!

[@matthewcrites4197]

All I did was say to my wife "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!"

[@pauljackson2409]

Are there any women here? Deep voices 'No, no, no!'

[@danielchung2633]

They just won the lottery

[@dvdjkaufmn]

Oh Jim and Tracy. My life would be so lame sometimes, without these two.

[@remusz2743]

The voicemail was adorable...