Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

[@Smackchow]

This kid isn't acting. And he's out there, right now, growing stronger.

[@frog8779]

Oh no, oh no no no

[@killmeorudie1]

Rumor has it later in life he heroically killed 2 rioters in Kenosha lol

[@Smackchow]

@@killmeorudie1 lol, damn man. that was brutal

[@letsgetfluffy3138]

Why would he be acting?

[@tobascogladiomatteo4843]

@@frog8779 Oh yesss 😈

[@andrewfarren3028]

Imagine how Home Alone would've been with this kid?

[@MrDragonbreathr]

LMAOOOO

[@-king-1230]

DED

[@aa-yt7wo]

Shorter

[@78Vertigo]

Andrew Farren At one point Kevin in Home Alone uses like a bee bee gun, this kid wouldn't

[@Shinyarc]

Andrew Farren Rated R

[@Awprtunist]

“It was Lucas laughing that woke me up” Absolutely put me in tears

[@francargeric1]

8 shots with a rifle: Sleeps Lucas lauging: Wait a minute...!

[@WingsOfAgeOfConsent]

That's not even funny. The kids acting was funny. Simpleton.

[@Fedico7000]

@@WingsOfAgeOfConsent 🤓🤨

[@WingsOfAgeOfConsent]

@@Fedico7000 not here to conversate man

[@plugoneone]

@@WingsOfAgeOfConsent Obviously not your strong point 💀

[@scurvyfigs]

this whole segment is hilarious but the "worlds oldest attractive woman celebrates 48th birthday" at the end hit me square in the jaw LMFAO

[@alien.707]

ME TOOOO

[@poppy-jb3st]

BROOO I'M SO GLAD THAT SOMEONE MENTIONED THAT. fr had me on the floor

[@andrewrp84]

The part before that………. “Your pet might be a CIA mole”

[@rjspiteri5758]

Helen Mirren doesn't exist?

[@grugruu]

Underrated

[@notawamen2311]

"He started crying so I shot him in the back," "It was Lucas laughing that woke me up," *damn*

[@zvezdan956]

wow original and funny comment!

[@notawamen2311]

@@zvezdan956 I didn’t even see other comments like this

[@SupremeCaptainBlaze]

@@notawamen2311 no its the comment of someone quoting something from the video with no added commentary

[@machninety7334]

Sometimes the content sells itself and the commenter only intends to highlight parts they feel stood out. Nothing wrong with that. Pretty sure everyone with an education used a highlighter before.

[@zvezdan956]

@@machninety7334 u dont use a highlighter in school to get likes

[@BigMastah79]

I love how she says “But you didn’t listen to him, did you?” In such an adoring voice lmao

[@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr]

Fake doe

[@thalassaer4137]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr no shit

[@bgoode2376]

10k Subscribers Without Videos Challenge no shit

[@jackreid2664]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr yeah, that's what satire is

[@freshmilk7122]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr no shit

[@spencergraham-thille9896]

I like how they treat normal guests like they're weird and treat weird guests like they're normal. 😂

[@iamdoktah]

That's new for ya

[@coolgoyim1133]

What are you talking about, that's what normal kids born from demonic rituals do this days, nothing out of the norm there

[@Acore-ly9qx]

the lil kid said "i love the blood" the kid is a fucking psychopath😂

[@Acore-ly9qx]

@A K ik

[@Acore-ly9qx]

@A K did i say i was being serious?🤣

[@linkosaur4480]

It’s been 15 years. He is still out there

[@raphelw52]

💀💀

[@karezaalonso7110]

​@@raphelw52out in prison?!

[@NathanielSnider1017]

home alone 6 a short film

[@purpleperson7113]

Nathaniel Snider wait there’s a home alone 5? I know about 1-4 but

[@NathanielSnider1017]

@@purpleperson7113 there's a five its not with the same characters but it does exist

[@purpleperson7113]

Nathaniel Snider good golly-

[@NathanielSnider1017]

@@purpleperson7113 good golly is correct

[@mardukgilgamesh1500]

Rated R

[@jaylenbarbieri2239]

I feel so bad for like a sweet old lady who stumbles upon this and thinks it’s real 😭

[@oogway73]

@@IambiguousSegment what is rittenhouse?

[@uglyguy2778]

Thank god this is fake

[@SinglerainbowHD]

@@IambiguousSegment To compare this kid to Rittenhouse is laughable, you delusional leftist.

[@rubyhillman1859]

@@IambiguousSegment This is absolutely nothing like Rittenhouse bro

[@croc_moat2327]

Omg I thought about that too lol

[@sppsports2449]

I know everyone is talking about the kid's acting, but the dad's acting is cracking me up. He's so proud lol.

[@allonifrah3465]

I love how they begin more subtly, making it a wierd but at that point still somewhat credible story and then they gradually get wilder and more outrages, until at some point all doubt of wether this could be real or gone. The strange thing is that it is hard to determine where in this story that point is.

[@Idk51243]

I got 100th like

[@garylock2012]

That’s not difficult, all Americans are like that for real, so over enthusiastic about any everything they talk about

[@dafyddil]

@@garylock2012 "All Americans" ok buddy

[@sunny71169]

Acting? What makes you think he was acting? Kid's a psycho.

[@allison8250]

"I want the blood." "..... well, he's gettin a little shy now"

[@rrock2025]

Yeah, I heard that part.

[@fourwhirlwinds]

How do you even respond that, on live tv?

[@jamesboon8069]

Lol

[@WolfyRed]

899th like

[@pizzasport]

lol this kids so dark lamo

[@Stanified]

Diary of a Wimpy kid deleted scene

[@ferus5583]

XDDD

[@doc-xo7iy]

I saw a missing poster for Fregley

[@ploopy2782]

Stanified He DOES look like manny omg

[@root-beer]

the last stand

[@rbanerjee605]

Still better than the new film.

[@primatein]

"I want the blood....." "..... Weeeell, he's getting a little shy now."

[@goseone412]

😂😂😂

[@Zyrdalf]

I want blood

[@pqkken]

You know how people joke about the quiet kid..?

[@toxicity2x627]

LMFAOOOO😂😂😂😂😂

[@austinpierce6053]

That guy is perhaps my favorite actor. He completely nails it with everything.

[@torturapesnorrarape]

my son also shot a burglar just last week, he was 63 and screaming all kinds of crazy stuff like ''where am I?'' and ''Can you help me get home?'', I've never been more proud!

[@TheBfutgreg]

Damn u old

[@EDP445]

@@TheBfutgreg lmao

[@ProPandaPlays]

@@TheBfutgreg learn to read kid he said the other person was 63 LOL kids are so dumb

[@Helo_rides_for_commies]

@@TheBfutgreg The burglar is 63, asshole

[@zucchinikindaslayed]

lol y'all funny

[@KazukiP]

The child actors they get for The Onion are elite

[@Thunder-jf1ri]

@Queue Kumber oh shii

[@icebear326]

Tbh all of their actors are really good. Seriously where do they keep finding these people and how come they aren't on TV right now?

[@bulldozer8950]

Wdym actors. This isn’t fake, it’s a completely real news show after all, trusted by millions to deliver the facts when no one else will! /s

[@joebrogan7858]

@@bulldozer8950 yes it is. I trust this more than anything else

[@martind349]

Hello Travis

[@Legomax18]

NOT the screaming, NOT the GUNSHOTS, but it was the LAUGHING that woke Mr. Armitage up. This is comedy genius.

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

Legomax18 oop

[@porkostar1]

Issues 😳

[@womblowbobble1139]

Legomax18 wait this isn’t real?

[@superspoon6265]

@@womblowbobble1139 nope, this is the onion so everything is satire

[@mrshamf3484]

@@porkostar1 did you actually think this was real?

[@GurenKaishoshiki]

I want an R-rated, horror-version of Home Alone staring this kid

[@spacejesus6581]

There was a Christmas horror movie called I think "better watch out" where the kid is a psychopath

[@supersnowball-zt2ti]

This should be the new home alone,instead of the cringefest there putting out there now!

[@brandyraccoon1473]

You're welcome: kzbin.info/www/bejne/kJivoquJha6biJI

[@vaulthunter7777]

Go check out Corridor Digital they've made Rated R Home Alone

[@MLGB0Yz]

Starring*

[@LURLINE_]

fun fact: that kid grew up to be Christian Bale

[@Cuyut]

All these actors deserve so much more recognition. They breathe such personality into these small roles, it’s incredible how they make these skits come to life!

[@chad4921]

people keep talking about "actors" are you guys commenting on the right videos? this is a news channel jesus christ

[@chazchillings3019]

I was just thinking how much of a darling is the female host. She gets it down to the t

[@Joeysaladslover]

@@chad4921 😐

[@melon7811]

I made your comment 999 uwu

[@Bandit-oy1yz]

@@henryfink5348 Today now is a parody show

[@sampletext9898]

All I’m saying is that they never actually caught the zodiac killer

[@vempor129]

oh shit...

[@900bpm]

LMAO NOOO

[@armandnduwamungu41]

Hold on.....

[@NAME-yg8sl]

Fair point

[@mason11198]

Onion comments are always almost just as good as the video what the hell

[@Harry-tj6bl]

‘It was Lucas laughing that woke me up, I had never heard the kid laugh so much’ 😂😂

[@kandie3127]

I literally was right at that part and laughing as I found your comment. Perfect haha

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

Harry oo

[@macthemaster7288]

@@MiniM69 and don't break a sweat doing it

[@Davidscomix]

@@MiniM69 if he fail the first 9 week test he shooting it up the very next day

[@filipe7360]

Unirocally one of the best acting i've seen from a kid

[@huyxiun2085]

Acting?

[@teovezavrzlame5959]

​@@huyxiun2085yeah, it's satire

[@lukemarquez307]

Woosh ​@@teovezavrzlame5959

[@101-cesaraugusto7]

@@teovezavrzlame5959 That's the joke.

[@lunagardvonbingen]

​@@teovezavrzlame5959No it's 100% real

[@xxlady3138]

"Actually it was Lucas laughing that woke me up" 😂

[@andrebennett2729]

Exactly it wasn't the loud ahh gunshot😭😭but still why is the kid laughing

[@thalassaer4137]

@@andrebennett2729 be a sadist and youll understand

[@costa1788]

I spit out my drink when I heard that

[@KayOScode]

@@andrebennett2729 its definitely not a normal reaction

[@thaksjtube]

The delivery on that line was perfect

[@whade62000]

“Your pet may be a CIA mole” Nah he’s a platypus. They don’t do much.

[@Etorate_]

@JOSHUA DENARDI perry*

[@01234567891011121338]

I fucking love you for this

[@Ashenboi]

AGENT P!!!!!!

[@ZootyTooter]

This is common knowledge

[@gokulsiriah7941]

Ive got bad news for you bud...

[@kmm2442]

That dad is the stand out actor here. Those looks of sweet endearment and humility.

[@cockoffgewgle4993]

His cheeks even go red. That's acting.

[@evanblythe1933]

"Why would he change his shirt? It's his honor shirt." Daddy Jack

[@bilcozbi67]

they're all great honestly

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

FlickerFlame oof

[@keyanaleonard9911]

His dad looks like Caitlyn Jenner

[@PengwinGaming205]

I like how the kids face was so dead and expressionless in the "happy" photos with his family

[@peanuts3433]

“Six of burglar’s teeth were found inside his own stomach” That is horrific

[@pikaboy70]

He only got six? Those are rookie numbers, I can do better.

[@Zyrdalf]

Nah, see, only rookies go for the stomach. If you a pro you can get them to come out the butt. We call it shitin teeth. Around here we get together and see who can get the most teeth out. We been running out of neighbors for recent though.

[@calviniscool]

Lol with the headline "Daily Inspiration"

[@notawamen2311]

@@pikaboy70 LMAORUIFHERUIFGHE

[@AEBigale]

This kid is a hero

[@SpaseGoast]

"World's oldest attractive woman turns 48" I love the old Onion.

[@lukeb1663]

Donnie Pendleton the real news has become so crazy that the onion can’t compete XD

[@nonamebtch]

That j.lo

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

SpaseGoast o

[@juliafunk3952]

Is this real?!

[@DarkAii619]

Technically, it could be true for Asians.

[@SoshJam]

This kid is gonna grow up into a great painter. Look how artistically he smeared the blood!

[@teo.took.40.benadryl]

Hmm I dunno, I feel like he's specifically going to fail art school at age 18 then come into power of a military by age 43?

[@sir7851]

xVᴄ.iᴅ yeah I thought that too Hopefully he doesn’t plan on taking over the world and tortures other races for existing

[@unoriginal5839]

Fingers crossed he makes it into art school

[@multiversalman4270]

And if he fails?

[@SoshJam]

@@multiversalman4270 Then God help us all. Last time someone insane didn’t get into art school they became Hitler.

[@kingj6677]

I love how the dad is trying his best not to break character

[@Ant3618_]

He is now 20 years old, he will never forget this in his life.

[@eileencarr2895]

Anndddd... he got sentenced life for Massacring a preschool

[@CutTheVioletWire]

@@eileencarr2895 you know you can edit KZbin comments right?

[@eileencarr2895]

@@CutTheVioletWire yea just forgot lol

[@thnx]

8 + 14 = 22

[@Zaire82]

@@thnx That's right, cool maths. He'd be 21 though.

[@Quad373]

“why would he change his shirt, thats his honor shirt.” “i like the blood..”

[@5gonza541]

Want*

[@willlbee]

I read this comment the exact time I heard it

[@Donnie-sg2cj]

ReasonedTwo130 Why do you idiots keep quoting what the video says? We all watched it

[@gui18bif]

Captions say "wanted"

[@kcirred1029]

@@Donnie-sg2cj fuck off asshole

[@brokenm9088]

I see a lot of "I can't believe how many people took this seriously" comments, but I can't seem to find the people who supposedly took it seriously.

[@SiisKolkytEuroo]

Broken M90 you have to sort the comments "Newest first" instead of showing only "top comments"

[@archiermanilo23]

Yeah, it's becuse you're looking at the most likd comments, which are from people who get it.

[@davidmurphy1207]

@@SiisKolkytEuroo That is a sad commentary on how much more braindead people are becoming. It's like people can't look beyond the face value of anything that has a professional look these days. It's kinda sad how many commercials I see on TV these days with a guy in a white coat that has a stethoscope around his neck and in the fine print it says hes a paid actor/spokesman. Yet oddly enough half of the legit videos of crazy stuff that happens with evidence to back it up is called fake because it's a clip uploaded to a site like KZbin. This craziness is what allows celebrities to cause antivaxer movements and weak tenuous connections between visual observations from naive idiots to cause flattards. It's like we are devolving into jello headed morons.

[@IO279K4RMN]

@@ExceedingRectified i found one. it's yours

[@jenkemaddict6784]

You just have to sort comments by newest first

[@fishcakedup]

This aged unreasonably well

[@christophermixon-alexander7422]

I’m surprised this kid didn’t grow up to be any actor we know. Subtle creepiness is hard to pull off especially as a child. I want the blood 😂😂😂

[@darrenlowe3445]

He does do a very good job here 😂

[@100videosandnosubscribers3]

Not too hard to nail if you're ACTUALLY A PSYCHOPATH

[@MizaT11]

Anyone know his real name?

[@waltin7051]

he kind of gives me vibes of that guy in the office, with dark circles half of the time, new guyish, dark brown hair, think his name was tony or smt? i don’t really watch that show

[@kermitsewerside]

Mina thinking of ryan howard by any chance?

[@steelrarebit7387]

This is just wrong. The kid shot the fingers off? He should have used a pair of pruning shears and it would haven't disfigured them as much. That way the finger necklace would be pristine.

[@ColHogan-le5yk]

Shy Guy well, he knew where the gun was not the pruning shears.....

[@steelrarebit7387]

He just needs more practice.

[@Rain_8541]

Meyouroo you know that comment was a joke

Is it bad that I genuinely would've done this if someone broke into my house, excluding the finger mutilation

[@skavanagh2778]

@@mu2k499 double woosh

[@deadchat6509]

The onion is my favourite source for news it’s reliable and speaks the truth

[@Cat-dm1zs]

me too it's so honest and it's just overall real

[@ryangustin4752]

They're never afraid of the facts, and they always say it how it is.

[@hlakbrlighthouse1835]

You watching this: *DEW IT!*

[@asifmetal666]

This is the only true neutral news show

[@drakebrown9622]

Get the fuck away Palpatine, your not wanted here, your not the senate

[@ramune64]

This shit still holds up 15 years later 😂

[@jarrodm9010]

People still crying about it... it pops up on my feed every few years and I keep coming back for the comments

[@alextate1719]

Wait this dad slept through multiple gunshots? Lucas is not only a hero for killing a burglar but for waking his father from a coma

[@RiggidyDiggidyRaw]

Eric Miret I'm the kid in this video you are correct

[@cwinowich]

LOL

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

Brick Wall o

[@mbkcdai284]

Lmaoooooooooooo

[@ab_savage4169]

How tf is Lucas a hero ? The fuckin dude put his hands up yet he still shot him with pure enjoyment!! And shot his jaws off ? For WHAT ?!?! Nigga could’ve just called his dad or the cops, that kid put that dude thru hell like wtf wrong wit u white people.. no one deserves to die like that

[@Marcus_Halberstram]

"It was a burglar, wasn't it Lucas? He was trying to steal things?" "He looked hungry." dude... lmao

[@birdsayshello]

how are there no comments on this?

[@thewisenoodle1116]

​@@thesansabasong-bird6947white people

[@RedRabbitEntertainment]

@@thesansabasong-bird6947 Because when whites break in it's to buy more heroin

[@limesandlemons1367]

@@thesansabasong-bird6947 ?

[@entity107]

@@birdsayshello how are there comments on this

[@intalcu5610]

0:34 “I take it out a lot. Sometimes I just look at it.” He _just_ looks at it _sometimes,_ implying he does more most times… Even from such a young age, he works himself to the bone every day! Truly an admirable, larger-than-life hero!

[@MT-od6by]

he's such a psychopath

[@HalfLife-hq8eu]

...

[@cultofsucc5807]

@@HalfLife-hq8eu its a joke if you couldn't tell

[@HalfLife-hq8eu]

@@cultofsucc5807 i indeed can

[@S_auce]

...

[@stevechance150]

The National Rifle Association also gave Lucas a Lifetime membership.

[@crazycjk]

"I like the way the blood makes me feel" I actually cried laughing, this is amazing

[@NovemberFoxtrotRC]

When comedy wasnt censored it made it so much better. If this video was made now twitter would have CPS at the kids parents house for even allowing him to be a part of the video. Comedy mostly sucks now aside from the few that just don’t give a fuck anymore.

[@christianrad9924]

You know, blood makes me feel alive. I feel a little dry without it.

[@mikeydmz1588]

Future school shooter. You better watch out.

[@justcommenting5773]

Starts heading to the school*

[@AbcAbc-oy2le]

@@NovemberFoxtrotRC Bro, twitter freely does r@pe, pedophilic and ect content and jokes regularly. Twitter is epitome of dark humor. Thet are polarised, though. This type* of humor is nothing to them Edit: typo

[@bravetherainbow]

You can't fool me Today Now, I know my pet is just a regular mole

[@flashim103]

I dont even XD

[@swamplife3148]

Comrade Whiskers must return to the motherland

[@Your-Least-Favorite-Stranger]

This would explain the digging, she outgrew the nest and was kicked out but knows where all the tunnels are. She's trying to exact revenge on her subterranean tormentors/estranged family.

[@therefridjerator]

2:00 "Lucas Says He Hopes More Burglars Break In So He Can Stop Them With Dad's Power Drill" is so underrated

[@CringePoop]

wait until he discovers daddy's chainsaw

[@flextape467]

put this future man in juvie

[@qfcbv]

@@flextape467 more like life without parole holy shit💀

[@markfox1545]

Why the fuck have you started every word with a capital?

[@therefridjerator]

@@markfox1545 because that's what it said in the video

[@infjelphabasupporter8416]

As a European, this is how my parents would describe the US when I was a kid.

[@rphb5870]

but isn't this exactly what America is like. Violent and crazy, with leaders that are either invalids or convicts

[@callmeshaggy5166]

As an American, I can tell you only some of this is satire and it's up to you to find out which parts.

[@georgegonzalez5977]

Strange place Europe must be then..believing anything they hear

[@heavens-and-earth]

@@georgegonzalez5977 we don't have guns in England so we don't know. i have never seen a real gun.

[@mace8873]

@@heavens-and-earth Statistically you have 4.6 firearms per 100 people.

[@m_6nus]

12 years later and he’s a proud and successful police officer 🥰

[@ignis_infinitus_infernus]

Good for him, I'm sure he's doing well.

[@revanofkorriban1505]

@@ignis_infinitus_infernus I think he's joking. Probably satirizing the police shooting criminals in the back.

[@ignis_infinitus_infernus]

@@revanofkorriban1505 yeah man, pretty sure everyone knows.

[@josiahslate7374]

So funny lol. Go fuck your self

[@ignis_infinitus_infernus]

@@josiahslate7374 you okay Kyle?

[@Len124]

"World's Oldest Attractive Woman Celebrates 48th Birthday" That's brutal...

[@0SilentStone0]

It's not meant to be brutal. It's satire; it's pointing out our prejudices

[@MAMP]

wahahahahahahaha

[@robertjensen1048]

@@0SilentStone0 Just pointing out reality.

[@thenablade858]

@@robertjensen1048 Yeah, the reality is that people are prejudiced against old people.

[@robertjensen1048]

@@thenablade858 Naaaah, just against old females. 😅

[@nashton7057]

That smirk at the end gets me everytime

[@patateslikofte6474]

Lmao

[@whatever-wn1nk]

it's like he's waiting for the next burglar

[@oldsif645]

666 likes

[@DogsCoffeeNJesus]

"He wouldn't stop talking, so then I shot his jaw off." What goes through my mind when a customer stops me on my way to clock out to ask a question

[@jacobalberts2506]

So you’re a sick person who works at a grocery store or something

[@CityWhisperer]

"Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with his dad's power drill" LMAO 😂😂

[@diegod1177]

for real these slides have me deaddds asf

[@archie.mc25]

thats fucked up

[@ivanmegafanboy1981]

That´s fucking metal

[@timenspacetraveler7964]

this kid would love hotline miami lmao

[@blight1636]

@@archie.mc25 you don’t understand the old internet

[@hadyn.]

Kid: I want the blood. Interviewer: WELLLLL.....

[@collisionmanxls2910]

Hadyn Hoggatt and the dead stare

[@DarrenSemotiuk]

ESPECIALLY dark when you have seen the "Interviewer" travel across America trying a bunch of PORK dishes... what a dark ending... "Jim Haggerty Porks The USA! -- Porkin' Across America" kzbin.info/www/bejne/hqi0n6Zsq6yZoJY

[@chelseaalexus1839]

💀💀💀💀💀💀

[@donaldschorr428]

Haha haha funny as shit

[@logan_page]

Thank god for Lucas. I’m so glad he’s grown up to be such a fantastic police officer!

[@justcommenting4981]

He's really cut down the counties stray dog population. And whatever his homelessness solution is, it has been working! He said in 10 years he "shall ascend to the presidency" and an NRA spokeswoman said they can't wait to endorse him!

[@hjt1234]

Welcome back to "Spot the Libtard" with our special guest Libtard Logan!

[@maxpogfrog]

true lmao

[@logan_page]

@@mellohi6175 And the way he refuses all paychecks? So generous.

[@HoloScope]

He's just a good old fashioned family man. Can't get much better than that! Everyday, the children and the wife line up at the front of the house awaiting their daily beating upon his arrival!

[@andrewm6829]

"he looked hungry" -so i fed him some lead

[@TheYTshortCinema]

“it’s his honor shirt” “i want the blood” 💀💀💀

[@teecollins5790]

😂😂

[@Dr.Madd138]

Blood for the blood god!!!!

[@palmerjacob39]

I love how the "I want the blood" just slips in there between other lines with the perfect clandestine tone that it makes it all the more ominous.🤣😂

[@Powys6732]

​@@Dr.Madd138SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE

[@blissssssssss]

"Well..."

[@hydrogen.jukebox]

"Must've been fun getting that award at school, right? An-" "I want the blood"

[@thomasingram1727]

"Well, he's getting a little shy now"

[@lorenzocassaro3054]

He wants the blood

[@alx2900]

Just give him the blood

[@aram8832]

Reporters ki fatt gyi.

[@thegroi]

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

[@AdrianColley]

Genius from start to finish. I especially love the condescending-but-not-listening attitude of the presenters.

[@SloppyGarlic]

Worlds oldest attractive woman celebrates 48th birthday 😭😭 cmon man

[@GWNorth-db8vn]

Never heard of a 35 year old lying about being older before.

[@woody5476]

I love how the dad looks legitimately happy, excited, and supportive. haha

[@whofan325]

The fucking sub header beneath the kid. “Lucas snapped burglar’s elbows so he couldn’t reach for the weapon” cracks me the fuck up everytime

[@shelbylynn9]

There’s another great one under the kid at 2:01 . It says “Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with Dad’s power drill” 😂 Jesus Christ

[@whofan325]

@@shelbylynn9 the poor bastards coming in

[@cringehorse]

"He started crying, so I shot him in the back." "He wouldn't stop talking so I shot his jaw!" "I like the way the blood makes me feel!" "I want the blood."

[@Ryan-ir3zp]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge wait what?? i thought the onion was a reputable news source!

[@neighbourino2376]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge Darn it! I never would have thought The Onion would lie! The betrayal!

[@pikaboy70]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge You’re a sub beggar, dumbass

[@neighbourino2376]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr I know you weren't talking to me but I responded anyway. Nothing you can do about that

[@pikaboy70]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge Look! The beggar called someone a dumbass. You can all laugh now 😂

[@Chlosephene]

The fact that some people don't recognize that this is satire is fucking alarming

[@jarrodm9010]

That's why the country is the way it is... the same people are allowed to vote. There should really be a test or something

[@Chlosephene]

@@jarrodm9010 I get what your saying but there should NOT be a test

[@jeffstortz8731]

"I wanted the blood." "Weeelll he's gotten a little shy now." Not only are the actors who play the hosts amazing, but every guest knocks it out of the park, even when they're only 8!

[@HelloWorldMyNameIsLyra]

actors?

[@HelloWorldMyNameIsLyra]

​@@EMPEROR_SIN​Some people don't get a joke smh

[@Rex_Nichts]

He's not 40,000 years old

[@jamesg252]

@@Rex_Nichts lol

[@zankthegreat4291]

@Starry Eyes still the kids. If you value someone else’s things over your life, we’ll also value our things over your life.

[@thrashingpanic]

"But you didn't listen to him, did you? :)"

[@sforbesgocka]

what a hero

[@lilirodriguez8851]

Oconachar I hope you’re being sarcastic

[@mrhuntalot123]

@@lilirodriguez8851 you dont think what that kid did took bravery?

[@lilirodriguez8851]

Remy Martin It wasn’t bravery. Bravery is doing something for good even though you’re afraid to. This was only a desire to hurt someone. One gun shot would have been understandable as defense but the rest of the injuries were only to keep causing him pain even though he was already defenseless after the first shot.

[@karl5758]

@@lilirodriguez8851 r/atetheonion

[@Smanson1321]

This is like one of those horrifying dreams where you're the only one that sees something wrong with the situation.

[@deadsushi4287]

You're entering the twilight zone

[@mis9274]

LITERALLY. the way this kid is talking, he sounds like a serial killer. he said it himself the man looked HUNGRY, he even pleaded with him not to shoot and the kid seemed pleased with himself. thatis a psychopath in the making

[@Skiddleboi]

@@COMMODOOSA holy shit thank you for for clarifying 😂 i know it’s dumb but I actually thought this is how Americans raised their kids for a second!

[@BarrelShape]

"It's the weakest part of the skull, that's right" lol

[@summerskull9379]

"Well how did you manage to do that, Lucas?" "Either you shoot at the temples and pull down, or you shoot at the side of the skull wall." Wait, so he's done this more than once?

[@bananasrotate7821]

@@summerskull9379 it's called deer hunting

[@daneiten1]

@@bananasrotate7821 no.its not

[@bern9642]

@@daneiten1 if you watch the video, it shows pictures of his and his dad's hunting trip. That's probably where he left all that.

[@ludwigvonn9889]

I swear Onion had the best acting instructors and casting managers in the history of television...crazy

[@GeneralCane]

The burglar was an absolute tank to have survived as much as he did before dying.

[@yoursleepparalysisdemon1828]

nah you can survive a few minutes with that damage

[@kevincruise3521]

@@yoursleepparalysisdemon1828uh..per.. personal experience?

[@Psilomuscimol]

​but stay conscious?

[@BillBodega]

I'm fairly convinced that this is still the best video on the internet.

[@AaronGilliland]

Corey, do you have an Honor Shirt, too?

[@BillBodega]

I never let them get that close.

[@AaronGilliland]

Surely you go and pick over the carcass.

[@BillBodega]

Fingers and ears don't have that much blood.

[@AaronGilliland]

Attaboy.

[@lamariemaytubby4653]

“ I want the blood..” *awkward long pause* “WElLlL” 😭💀

[@iibeemayne]

ahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@Mor1adim]

He's just shy

[@icemaster-]

I put this video on my watchlist thinking it was real. I clicked on it thinking it was real. I watched it thinking it was real. I. Left. TRAUMATIZED. Than I looked at who made it.

[@theendofthestart8179]

sounds like youre terrible at media consumption

[@icemaster-]

@@theendofthestart8179 How did you guess?

[@srbrant5391]

The kid’s all grown up now and living a productive life in my town. It’s weird how he always dumps a whole bunch of cherry cobbler into the trash right after I stop hearing from one of my neighbors, though.

[@1actose]

Yeah. I heard firecracker-like sounds from his backyard on Halloween, and my friend (in the backyard) perfectly replicated a dead body, even going as far as making it look like he was decapitated.

[@1actose]

He was put in my garbage can, he's still giving me the silent treatment.

[@srbrant5391]

@@1actose Man, some people...

[@1actose]

@@srbrant5391 yeah.

[@Xominus]

@@1actose Is he still quiet?

[@FoxtrotGolfLima]

yo this kid is an amazing actor look at his eyes and body language throughout

[@luxy5174]

@Fabian Leiva That's because it isn't acting >;)

[@chelseakirra20]

Fabian Leiva that’s bc he ain’t acting bruv haha

[@koolaidsman451]

he isnt acting

[@expohshappyhour1460]

@@chelseakirra20 this isn't real, it's all acting, every bit of it

[@expohshappyhour1460]

@@ynwl-e4b you should learn wtf the onion is

[@Qabra-]

The fact that people still comment thinking this is real makes me so happy

[@AlexPerez-tt9ru]

It is hilarious when people get so serious

[@DoubleMonoLR]

No they don't. The only "serious" comments are just people "playing along" but without a grasp on humour.

[@mathgasm8484]

I was a hotel manager at Hilton and showed the breakfast lady that this just came on the news she freaked out lol.

[@findthebox8623]

Me too

[@__kara__101]

I always look for these comments but never find them

[@lu5513]

Funny how there's always people who think the onion's skits are real, some people are truly special

[@thichinhphan4010]

Well, stupidity is an incurable genetic trait of homosapiens.

[@vexivero]

world's oldest attractive woman celebrates 48th birthday lmfao!

[@roddydykes7053]

Vexivero So true lmao sad reality

[@roddydykes7053]

Vexivero So true lmao, sad reality

[@ishpeeedy]

Name?

[@realmaximouse]

Yo, you ever heard of Helen Mirren? Always has looked amazing for her age! But in general yes it's true

[@jokebud]

Vexivero they’re commenting on misogynistic beauty ideals for aging women

[@kokonutmilkshake703]

The awkward silence after the kid says "I want the blood" is gold

[@randomduck8679]

It's like they finally reliazied the kid might not be normal

[@toastednoodles]

"World's Oldest Attractive Woman Celebrates 48th Birthday" Ouch right in the gut

[@maxhess3151]

This kid's acting is WAY too good. Holy shit this is terrifying.

[@tommclarty17]

The dad smiling and nodding like his kid is talking about pitching a no hitter is what kills me.

[@sintexx2801]

“I like the way the blood makes me feel” “Oh ho! And the school gave you a special courage medal!”

[@gregorytimmons4777]

Every student needs to get a medal for participation.

[@Nolabray21]

If he didnt get that he would of shot them too

[@trashy10]

idk why everyone is laughing,we need to get this boy some help,it took him all those shots just to kill 1 man

[@trashy10]

great! now that's a good cause,finally the church helping out kids

[@stalinwasballin338]

trashy10 thank god this is so real

[@lilcrust3063]

The video is fake dude.

[@yourpark2616]

trashy10 ik and the guy was just hungry

[@lemonke8132]

Mr.cornbreadsauce read the guy’s comment carefully. He’s making a joke...

[@SillierPutty]

The amount of people who don't realize this is satire is... concerning, to say the least.

[@airgunningyup]

our country is borderline re-arded.. They dont have the cognitive capacity to tell whether or not this is satire.. its just unreal

[@Badger_IV.]

Thats how politicians gets elected around the world.

[@imdelet]

this guy is better than most adult actors 💀

[@throwback19841]

Wonder where he is now, should be in his 20s. Christ that makes me feel old.

[@mousalini4095]

2:22 had me crying

[@scottmatheson3346]

in fairness the actors in adult movies aren't hired for their acting

[@imdelet]

@@scottmatheson3346 i think you misunderstood what i said LMAO

[@PikaFanboy]

@@imdelet He has ap oint.

[@brautigan1]

I sure wish people would quit using the word "fake" when it comes to satire. People, satire isn't "fake," and it isn't meant to "fool" anyone. It's 100% REAL satire. Jesus.

[@brautigan1]

fhhh No, it's satire. Learn the difference.

[@joshbrucks]

Dan Williams and satire is fake... learn the difference

[@viljamtheninja]

Ictus Satire isn't fake, you idiot. It's satire. For something to be fake, it has to be trying to pass as the real thing in order to fool people. Satire isn't trying to fool people into believing it's real, it's just trying to satirize things. Sure, some people are idiots and THINK it's real, but let's not let idiots determine how we define concepts.

[@bobbyrossy508]

Dan Williams no it’s real y funny

[@andrews902]

I am Sekou You should shut the fuck up moron, he's right. Satire is an art form where fake news is news that's perpetuating false information under the pretense of that information being factual. It's like saying that inglorious bastards is propaganda when it's just a movie.

[@ashtonc1]

This video is going viral on twitter right now... incoming people who actually think it’s real

[@justjoyce4261]

True

[@bonjour34366]

Wait it’s fake

[@NikeSoccerTennis]

You probably thought it was too, but you read the comments, figured it out after looking it up on youtube and here you are now

[@kalash_nikov]

Instagram meme pages also post it now ans 90% of comments think it's real 😂

[@geepadoodle]

its real wdym very heroic boy

[@moonbeamsunshine]

When I originally clicked on this video, I thought it said “burger” instead of burglar and was really confused when I started watching and waiting for them to mention the burger before I reread the title.

[@jahyeet1137]

1:04 I love how the adults start talking to each other while the kid just talks about this “experience” like a soldier with ptsd or something 😂

[@DarkAraque]

Nicely said

[@wrarmatei]

@HumanPerson conflating child soldiers with sociopaths tells me that you're full of shit.

[@blacky_Ninja]

@@wrarmatei When did he conflate them? The connection point was the ptsd, not the sociopathy. Try reading more carefully before responding. 🤦

[@theswan1093]

“Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with his dads power drill.” That’s how true American heroes are born.

[@malacara1335]

Should've went with Show host: "Lucas you didn't even change your shirt before you got your award!" Dad: "Oh he did, that's a different shirt"

[@MrWar2244]

Haha that would be good.

[@FoxtrotGolfLima]

WTF haha yes

[@palebluedot7435]

From when the the neighbors Chihuahua got into his shed And trapped him

[@mechikaboombayah4960]

Now that's good.

[@demetriusmiddleton1246]

🤣🤣

[@UnbannedAgain]

This isn't satire in the untitled states of disrepair.

[@gualtony1123]

“Lucas says that he hopes that more burglars would brake in so he can stop them with his dad power drill “

[@ManetInAEternum]

That had me dying 😂😂😂💀💀💀

[@blackandgold676]

BREAK in!

[@giannamb1112]

I read the title as "Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burger" Edit: I think i was just really hungry...

[@Adam-xf6sq]

This sentence is more American than this video

[@juandavila4534]

Same lmao

[@alang9891]

This made me laugh more than it should’ve

[@Masonjason43]

Yeah the title is wrong heroically? More like brutally

[@xsct878]

@@Masonjason43 thats the joke genius.

[@Nyce2Everyone]

“Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with his dad’s power drill” :o

[@TM-rh7zs]

@@unworthy1582 Obviously its from the oinion (The most well known parody news website)

[@andysux1]

@@unworthy1582 it's real bro. Dont let these foos make you think otherwise. This is all over the news

[@FoundaPeanut]

legend has it, he became the best police officer Los Angeles has ever seen.

[@jackcassidy9963]

Gun safety isn't to protect children it's to protect burglars

[@kry9943]

Billy was here

[@yolobrug2187]

Bob was here

[@kry9943]

mustafa hassan kry was here

[@yolobrug2187]

Kry Trump here

[@concentratedrefrigerator2791]

What’s up guys scarce here

[@empressredbird]

it just sucks when they won't stop screaming. Terrible humans, those burglars.

[@Shy3eee]

What💀

[@tikalthewhimsicott2736]

Based

[@robertjensen9775]

“Six of burglar’s teeth found inside his own stomach.” Ha ha priceless.

[@tiger_844]

"Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with his dad's power drill" 😂😂😂

[@Lukeirin]

If you can’t tell that this is satire, we have bigger issues

[@N.Oriiii]

idk... this sounds very on brand for Americans, they celebrate any time kids use guns

[@illiteratebrian1707]

@@N.Oriiiithat’s…that’s literally why it’s satire. Look up the definition if you’re confused lol

[@3_14pie]

​@@N.Oriiiithe dad woke up at the kid laughing maniacally as the kid mutilated the intruder. yes, very plausible

[@nedbigby9694]

It is more of a reflection of how third worlders brains handle media being fed to them. If this is what they believe, imagine what other nonsense they see on the TV and believe without question. But it is atleast a good lesson as to why to never take the opnions of people who know nothing of what they talk about.