Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.
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[@Awprtunist]

“It was Lucas laughing that woke me up” Absolutely put me in tears

[@francargeric1]

8 shots with a rifle: Sleeps Lucas lauging: Wait a minute...!

[@WingsOfAgeOfConsent]

That's not even funny. The kids acting was funny. Simpleton.

[@Fedico7000]

@@WingsOfAgeOfConsent 🤓🤨

[@WingsOfAgeOfConsent]

@@Fedico7000 not here to conversate man

[@plugoneone]

@@WingsOfAgeOfConsent Obviously not your strong point 💀

[@andrewfarren3028]

Imagine how Home Alone would've been with this kid?

[@MrDragonbreathr]

LMAOOOO

[@-king-1230]

DED

[@aa-yt7wo]

Shorter

[@78Vertigo]

Andrew Farren At one point Kevin in Home Alone uses like a bee bee gun, this kid wouldn't

[@Shinyarc]

Andrew Farren Rated R

[@Marcus_Halberstram]

"It was a burglar, wasn't it Lucas? He was trying to steal things?" "He looked hungry." dude... lmao

[@jaredschinker3297]

how are there no comments on this?

[@birdsayshello]

how are there no comments on this?

[@thewisenoodle1116]

​@@thesansabasong-bird6947white people

[@RedRabbitEntertainment]

@@thesansabasong-bird6947 Because when whites break in it's to buy more heroin

[@limesandlemons1367]

@@thesansabasong-bird6947 ?

[@scurvyfigs3698]

this whole segment is hilarious but the "worlds oldest attractive woman celebrates 48th birthday" at the end hit me square in the jaw LMFAO

[@alien.707]

ME TOOOO

[@Maddiedoggie]

It hit like the bullets going into the burglar

[@poppy-jb3st]

BROOO I'M SO GLAD THAT SOMEONE MENTIONED THAT. fr had me on the floor

[@andrewrp84]

The part before that………. “Your pet might be a CIA mole”

[@rjspiteri5758]

Helen Mirren doesn't exist?

[@NathanielSnider1017]

home alone 6 a short film

[@purpleperson7113]

Nathaniel Snider wait there’s a home alone 5? I know about 1-4 but

[@NathanielSnider1017]

@@purpleperson7113 there's a five its not with the same characters but it does exist

[@purpleperson7113]

Nathaniel Snider good golly-

[@NathanielSnider1017]

@@purpleperson7113 good golly is correct

[@mardukgilgamesh1500]

Rated R

[@jacksonevans9414]

"He wouldn't stop talking so I shot his jaw off."

[@stevie8271]

but then he started screaming ERRRRRRRRR, and i shot off each one of his fingers, then he stopped screaming

[@DajuSar]

Pretty efficient ngl

[@DodaGarcia]

@@stevie8271 that part was the creepiest by far

[@bravo1179]

Best part of the video. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Doodfood.]

Doda Garcia Dauvid Brobrik?!?!?! oMG IM big fan

[@tgriggs5901]

“it’s his honor shirt” “i want the blood” 💀💀💀

[@teecollins5790]

😂😂

[@Dr.Madd138]

Blood for the blood god!!!!

[@palmerjacob39]

I love how the "I want the blood" just slips in there between other lines with the perfect clandestine tone that it makes it all the more ominous.🤣😂

[@goybells6732]

​@@Dr.Madd138SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE

[@blissssssssss]

"Well..."

[@therefridjerator]

2:00 "Lucas Says He Hopes More Burglars Break In So He Can Stop Them With Dad's Power Drill" is so underrated

[@CringePoop]

wait until he discovers daddy's chainsaw

[@flextape467]

put this future man in juvie

[@qfcbv]

@@flextape467 more like life without parole holy shit💀

[@markfox1545]

Why the fuck have you started every word with a capital?

[@therefridjerator]

@@markfox1545 because that's what it said in the video

[@Stanified]

Diary of a Wimpy kid deleted scene

[@ferus5583]

XDDD

[@doc-xo7iy]

I saw a missing poster for Fregley

[@ploopy2782]

Stanified He DOES look like manny omg

[@root-beer]

the last stand

[@rbanerjee605]

Still better than the new film.

[@Smackchow]

This kid isn't acting. And he's out there, right now, growing stronger.

[@Mjolnir1000]

Donating 200 kidneys to a hospital and given heads on hamburguers.

[@frog8779]

Oh no, oh no no no

[@killmeorudie1]

Rumor has it later in life he heroically killed 2 rioters in Kenosha lol

[@Smackchow]

@@killmeorudie1 lol, damn man. that was brutal

[@letsgetfluffy3138]

Why would he be acting?

[@whofan325]

The fucking sub header beneath the kid. “Lucas snapped burglar’s elbows so he couldn’t reach for the weapon” cracks me the fuck up everytime

[@shelbylynn9]

There’s another great one under the kid at 2:01 . It says “Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with Dad’s power drill” 😂 Jesus Christ

[@whofan325]

@@shelbylynn9 the poor bastards coming in

[@woody5476]

I love how the dad looks legitimately happy, excited, and supportive. haha

[@spencergraham-thille9896]

I like how they treat normal guests like they're weird and treat weird guests like they're normal. 😂

[@iamdoktah]

That's new for ya

[@coolgoyim1133]

What are you talking about, that's what normal kids born from demonic rituals do this days, nothing out of the norm there

[@Acore-ly9qx]

the lil kid said "i love the blood" the kid is a fucking psychopath😂

[@Acore-ly9qx]

@A K ik

[@Acore-ly9qx]

@A K did i say i was being serious?🤣

[@GurenKaishoshiki]

I want an R-rated, horror-version of Home Alone staring this kid

[@spacejesus6581]

There was a Christmas horror movie called I think "better watch out" where the kid is a psychopath

[@supersnowball-zt2ti]

This should be the new home alone,instead of the cringefest there putting out there now!

[@brandyraccoon1473]

You're welcome: kzbin.info/www/bejne/kJivoquJha6biJI

[@vaulthunter7777]

Go check out Corridor Digital they've made Rated R Home Alone

[@MLGB0Yz]

Starring*

[@Smanson1321]

This is like one of those horrifying dreams where you're the only one that sees something wrong with the situation.

[@deadsushi4287]

You're entering the twilight zone

[@mis9274]

LITERALLY. the way this kid is talking, he sounds like a serial killer. he said it himself the man looked HUNGRY, he even pleaded with him not to shoot and the kid seemed pleased with himself. thatis a psychopath in the making

[@torturapesnorrarape]

my son also shot a burglar just last week, he was 63 and screaming all kinds of crazy stuff like ''where am I?'' and ''Can you help me get home?'', I've never been more proud!

[@TheBfutgreg]

Damn u old

[@EDP445]

@@TheBfutgreg lmao

[@ProPandaPlays]

@@TheBfutgreg learn to read kid he said the other person was 63 LOL kids are so dumb

[@jaylenbarbieri2239]

I feel so bad for like a sweet old lady who stumbles upon this and thinks it’s real 😭

[@oogway73]

@@IambiguousSegment what is rittenhouse?

[@uglyguy2778]

Thank god this is fake

[@SinglerainbowHD]

@@IambiguousSegment To compare this kid to Rittenhouse is laughable, you delusional leftist.

[@rubyhillman1859]

@@IambiguousSegment This is absolutely nothing like Rittenhouse bro

[@croc_moat2327]

Omg I thought about that too lol

[@whade62000]

“Your pet may be a CIA mole” Nah he’s a platypus. They don’t do much.

[@Etorate_]

@JOSHUA DENARDI perry*

[@01234567891011121338]

I fucking love you for this

[@Ashenboi]

AGENT P!!!!!!

[@ZootyTooter]

This is common knowledge

[@gokulsiriah7941]

Ive got bad news for you bud...

[@jojomane7023]

I love how supportive the dad is.

[@ryans9103]

Its fake look up the onion to see thats its all a joke

[@jojomane7023]

@@ryans9103 i know its fake nigga

[@pleasy13]

@@ryans9103 Really Ryan?...........

[@redneckhippiefreak]

@@ryans9103 Kinda..I only say kinda because self defense is a Right and there is no age limit on a Right. As exemplified not too long ago actually. XP

[@ryans9103]

@redneckhippiefreak this is the onion its a satire skit.. look them up you'll see.

[@PengwinGaming205]

I like how the kids face was so dead and expressionless in the "happy" photos with his family

[@notawamen2311]

"He started crying so I shot him in the back," "It was Lucas laughing that woke me up," *damn*

[@zvezdan956]

wow original and funny comment!

[@notawamen2311]

@@zvezdan956 I didn’t even see other comments like this

[@SupremeCaptainBlaze]

@@notawamen2311 no its the comment of someone quoting something from the video with no added commentary

[@machninety7334]

Sometimes the content sells itself and the commenter only intends to highlight parts they feel stood out. Nothing wrong with that. Pretty sure everyone with an education used a highlighter before.

[@zvezdan956]

@@machninety7334 u dont use a highlighter in school to get likes

[@BigMastah79]

I love how she says “But you didn’t listen to him, did you?” In such an adoring voice lmao

[@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr]

Fake doe

[@thalassaer4137]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr no shit

[@bgoode2376]

10k Subscribers Without Videos Challenge no shit

[@jackreid2664]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr yeah, that's what satire is

[@freshmilk7122]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr no shit

[@kingj6677]

I love how the dad is trying his best not to break character

[@DogsCoffeeNJesus]

"He wouldn't stop talking, so then I shot his jaw off." What goes through my mind when a customer stops me on my way to clock out to ask a question

[@jacobalberts2506]

So you’re a sick person who works at a grocery store or something

[@primatein]

"I want the blood....." "..... Weeeell, he's getting a little shy now."

[@goseone412]

😂😂😂

[@Zyrdalf]

I want blood

[@pqkken]

You know how people joke about the quiet kid..?

[@toxicity2x627]

LMFAOOOO😂😂😂😂😂

[@austinpierce6053]

That guy is perhaps my favorite actor. He completely nails it with everything.

[@sampletext9898]

All I’m saying is that they never actually caught the zodiac killer

[@vempor129]

oh shit...

[@triplespamlegend]

LMAO NOOO

[@armandnduwamungu41]

Hold on.....

[@NAME-yg8sl]

Fair point

[@mason11198]

Onion comments are always almost just as good as the video what the hell

[@RayyanTheRazorSharp]

love how they're acting so enthusiactic lol

[@filipe7360]

Unirocally one of the best acting i've seen from a kid

[@huyxiun2085]

Acting?

[@sppsports2449]

I know everyone is talking about the kid's acting, but the dad's acting is cracking me up. He's so proud lol.

[@allonifrah3465]

I love how they begin more subtly, making it a wierd but at that point still somewhat credible story and then they gradually get wilder and more outrages, until at some point all doubt of wether this could be real or gone. The strange thing is that it is hard to determine where in this story that point is.

[@Idk51243]

I got 100th like

[@garylock2012]

That’s not difficult, all Americans are like that for real, so over enthusiastic about any everything they talk about

[@dafyddil]

@@garylock2012 "All Americans" ok buddy

[@sunny71169]

Acting? What makes you think he was acting? Kid's a psycho.

[@stevechance150]

The National Rifle Association also gave Lucas a Lifetime membership.

[@xdcountry]

We need more of this- honestly, these videos age like great wine. Everything was done to perfection. Onion is untouchable

[@BoleDaPole]

Just turn on regular cable news like Fox, CNN or MSNBC. It's indistinguishable from these old Onion bits. Reality has squeezed ONN out of business

[@wojakthecrusader1410]

​@@BoleDaPole except CNN and MSNBC are becoming a joke.

[@SpaseGoast]

"World's oldest attractive woman turns 48" I love the old Onion.

[@lukeb1663]

Donnie Pendleton the real news has become so crazy that the onion can’t compete XD

[@nonamebtch]

That j.lo

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

SpaseGoast o

[@juliafunk3952]

Is this real?!

[@DarkAii619]

Technically, it could be true for Asians.

[@christophermixon-alexander7422]

I’m surprised this kid didn’t grow up to be any actor we know. Subtle creepiness is hard to pull off especially as a child. I want the blood 😂😂😂

[@darrenlowe3445]

He does do a very good job here 😂

[@100videosandnosubscribers3]

Not too hard to nail if you're ACTUALLY A PSYCHOPATH

[@MizaT11]

Anyone know his real name?

[@waltin7051]

he kind of gives me vibes of that guy in the office, with dark circles half of the time, new guyish, dark brown hair, think his name was tony or smt? i don’t really watch that show

[@kermitsewerside]

Mina thinking of ryan howard by any chance?

[@LURLINE_]

fun fact: that kid grew up to be Christian Bale

[@rolo_xerxes5635]

“I want the blood”….. “I want the blood”

[@shorts_person.]

"Well he's got a little shy now 😅" what you mean by that

[@KazukiP]

The child actors they get for The Onion are elite

[@Thunder-jf1ri]

@Queue Kumber oh shii

[@icebear326]

Tbh all of their actors are really good. Seriously where do they keep finding these people and how come they aren't on TV right now?

[@bulldozer8950]

Wdym actors. This isn’t fake, it’s a completely real news show after all, trusted by millions to deliver the facts when no one else will! /s

[@joebrogan7858]

@@bulldozer8950 yes it is. I trust this more than anything else

[@martind349]

Hello Travis

[@xxlady3138]

"Actually it was Lucas laughing that woke me up" 😂

[@andrebennett2729]

Exactly it wasn't the loud ahh gunshot😭😭but still why is the kid laughing

[@thalassaer4137]

@@andrebennett2729 be a sadist and youll understand

[@costa1788]

I spit out my drink when I heard that

[@KayOScode]

@@andrebennett2729 its definitely not a normal reaction

[@thaksjtube]

The delivery on that line was perfect

[@infjelphabasupporter8416]

As a European, this is how my parents would describe the US when I was a kid.

[@rphb5870]

but isn't this exactly what America is like. Violent and crazy, with leaders that are either invalids or convicts

[@andrewm6829]

"he looked hungry" -so i fed him some lead

[@Legomax18]

NOT the screaming, NOT the GUNSHOTS, but it was the LAUGHING that woke Mr. Armitage up. This is comedy genius.

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

Legomax18 oop

[@porkostar1]

Issues 😳

[@womblowbobble1139]

Legomax18 wait this isn’t real?

[@superspoon6265]

@@womblowbobble1139 nope, this is the onion so everything is satire

[@mrshamf3484]

@@porkostar1 did you actually think this was real?

[@Harry-tj6bl]

‘It was Lucas laughing that woke me up, I had never heard the kid laugh so much’ 😂😂

[@kandie3127]

I literally was right at that part and laughing as I found your comment. Perfect haha

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

Harry oo

[@macthemaster7288]

@@MiniM69 and don't break a sweat doing it

[@Davidscomix]

@@MiniM69 if he fail the first 9 week test he shooting it up the very next day

[@MrShahrozzz]

Petition to make Lucas the new Mortal Kombat DLC character!

[@fishcakedup]

This aged unreasonably well

[@Len124]

"World's Oldest Attractive Woman Celebrates 48th Birthday" That's brutal...

[@0SilentStone0]

It's not meant to be brutal. It's satire; it's pointing out our prejudices

[@MAMP]

wahahahahahahaha

[@robertjensen1048]

@@0SilentStone0 Just pointing out reality.

[@thenablade858]

@@robertjensen1048 Yeah, the reality is that people are prejudiced against old people.

[@robertjensen1048]

@@thenablade858 Naaaah, just against old females. 😅

[@brokenm9088]

I see a lot of "I can't believe how many people took this seriously" comments, but I can't seem to find the people who supposedly took it seriously.

[@SiisKolkytEuroo]

Broken M90 you have to sort the comments "Newest first" instead of showing only "top comments"

[@archiermanilo23]

Yeah, it's becuse you're looking at the most likd comments, which are from people who get it.

[@davidmurphy1207]

@@SiisKolkytEuroo That is a sad commentary on how much more braindead people are becoming. It's like people can't look beyond the face value of anything that has a professional look these days. It's kinda sad how many commercials I see on TV these days with a guy in a white coat that has a stethoscope around his neck and in the fine print it says hes a paid actor/spokesman. Yet oddly enough half of the legit videos of crazy stuff that happens with evidence to back it up is called fake because it's a clip uploaded to a site like KZbin. This craziness is what allows celebrities to cause antivaxer movements and weak tenuous connections between visual observations from naive idiots to cause flattards. It's like we are devolving into jello headed morons.

[@IO279K4RMN]

@@ExceedingRectified i found one. it's yours

[@jenkemaddict6784]

You just have to sort comments by newest first

[@lu5513]

Funny how there's always people who think the onion's skits are real, some people are truly special

[@thichinhphan4010]

Well, stupidity is an incurable genetic trait of homosapiens.

[@DriftingDraftsman]

Even the damn title had me laughing before I watched.

[@DriftingDraftsman]

holy shit nvm this video is metal as fuck

[@SoshJam]

This kid is gonna grow up into a great painter. Look how artistically he smeared the blood!

[@shiftyFlacko]

Hmm I dunno, I feel like he's specifically going to fail art school at age 18 then come into power of a military by age 43?

[@sir7851]

xVᴄ.iᴅ yeah I thought that too Hopefully he doesn’t plan on taking over the world and tortures other races for existing

[@unoriginal5839]

Fingers crossed he makes it into art school

[@multiversalman4270]

And if he fails?

[@SoshJam]

@@multiversalman4270 Then God help us all. Last time someone insane didn’t get into art school they became Hitler.

[@peanuts3433]

“Six of burglar’s teeth were found inside his own stomach” That is horrific

[@pikaboy70]

He only got six? Those are rookie numbers, I can do better.

[@Zyrdalf]

Nah, see, only rookies go for the stomach. If you a pro you can get them to come out the butt. We call it shitin teeth. Around here we get together and see who can get the most teeth out. We been running out of neighbors for recent though.

[@calviniscool]

Lol with the headline "Daily Inspiration"

[@notawamen2311]

@@pikaboy70 LMAORUIFHERUIFGHE

[@AEBigale]

This kid is a hero

[@FoundaPeanut]

legend has it, he became the best police officer Los Angeles has ever seen.

[@dollz4ever]

I remember my parents watching this thinking this was real I finally found this video years later what do i tell them

[@lukesaylor6742]

I watched the one about teaching a gorilla about death and it getting suicidal and depressed and thought it was real as a kid

[@Quad373]

“why would he change his shirt, thats his honor shirt.” “i like the blood..”

[@5gonza541]

Want*

[@willlbee]

I read this comment the exact time I heard it

[@Donnie-sg2cj]

ReasonedTwo130 Why do you idiots keep quoting what the video says? We all watched it

[@gui18bif]

Captions say "wanted"

[@kcirred1029]

@@Donnie-sg2cj fuck off asshole

[@alextate1719]

Wait this dad slept through multiple gunshots? Lucas is not only a hero for killing a burglar but for waking his father from a coma

[@RiggidyDiggidyRaw]

Eric Miret I'm the kid in this video you are correct

[@cwinowich]

LOL

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

Brick Wall o

[@mbkcdai284]

Lmaoooooooooooo

[@ab_savage4169]

How tf is Lucas a hero ? The fuckin dude put his hands up yet he still shot him with pure enjoyment!! And shot his jaws off ? For WHAT ?!?! Nigga could’ve just called his dad or the cops, that kid put that dude thru hell like wtf wrong wit u white people.. no one deserves to die like that

[@armelior4610]

I believe this young person will be a great recruit for the army when he's of age. He could help liberate the next country burdened by too much oil, because I'm told PTSD tend to reduce effectiveness and I have a feeling this won't be a problem here

[@auralit8]

"The next county burdened by too much oil" lmao

[@sureshmukhi2316]

This kid is now 21 and I wonder how he will react when he watches this. 😁

[@emrahalien2972]

He’s getting stronger

[@TheScyy]

@@emrahalien2972he wants the blood…

[@BootyRealDreamMurMurs]

I like how they treated the spelling bee winner kid as some sort of deranged special child but treated a physcopathic kid who loves killing and blood as a courageous awesome child hero.

[@pdp6839]

That's why I love the onion

[@hopefullyentertainment6029]

I mean isnt that just average america?

[@thamizhselvan6482]

C est la vie

[@caralho5237]

@@hopefullyentertainment6029 not at all lol

[@mlao1333]

@@caralho5237 yes it is

[@crazycjk]

"I like the way the blood makes me feel" I actually cried laughing, this is amazing

[@NovemberFoxtrotRC]

When comedy wasnt censored it made it so much better. If this video was made now twitter would have CPS at the kids parents house for even allowing him to be a part of the video. Comedy mostly sucks now aside from the few that just don’t give a fuck anymore.

[@christianrad9924]

You know, blood makes me feel alive. I feel a little dry without it.

[@mikeydmz1588]

Future school shooter. You better watch out.

[@justcommenting5773]

Starts heading to the school*

[@AbcAbc-oy2le]

@@NovemberFoxtrotRC Bro, twitter freely does r@pe, pedophilic and ect content and jokes regularly. Twitter is epitome of dark humor. Thet are polarised, though. This type* of humor is nothing to them Edit: typo

[@edisons.7637]

Dude, this shit is funny as hell. I honestly thought it was for real for the first minute or so. Where is this skit from?

[@Poultry_Plays]

the onion

[@edisons.7637]

@@Poultry_Plays I see. Apparently I've been living under a rock.

[@Poultry_Plays]

@@edisons.7637 yea they have been around for like 18 years

[@jalen1418]

How does the onion find such good actors

[@steelrarebit7387]

This is just wrong. The kid shot the fingers off? He should have used a pair of pruning shears and it would haven't disfigured them as much. That way the finger necklace would be pristine.

[@ColHogan-le5yk]

Shy Guy well, he knew where the gun was not the pruning shears.....

[@steelrarebit7387]

He just needs more practice.

[@Rain_8541]

Meyouroo you know that comment was a joke

[@skavanagh2778]

@@mu2k499 double woosh

[@JustWolt]

WOOOOSH

[@bravetherainbow]

You can't fool me Today Now, I know my pet is just a regular mole

[@flashim103]

I dont even XD

[@swamplife3148]

Comrade Whiskers must return to the motherland

[@Your-Least-Favorite-Stranger]

This would explain the digging, she outgrew the nest and was kicked out but knows where all the tunnels are. She's trying to exact revenge on her subterranean tormentors/estranged family.

[@moonbeamsunshine]

When I originally clicked on this video, I thought it said “burger” instead of burglar and was really confused when I started watching and waiting for them to mention the burger before I reread the title.

[@existentialcrisisgang8074]

I like how his dad indicates that the kid have laughs that overwhelms consecutive gunshots and screams of agony

[@hadyn.]

Kid: I want the blood. Interviewer: WELLLLL.....

[@collisionmanxls2910]

Hadyn Hoggatt and the dead stare

[@DarrenSemotiuk]

ESPECIALLY dark when you have seen the "Interviewer" travel across America trying a bunch of PORK dishes... what a dark ending... "Jim Haggerty Porks The USA! -- Porkin' Across America" kzbin.info/www/bejne/hqi0n6Zsq6yZoJY

[@chelseaalexus1839]

💀💀💀💀💀💀

[@donaldschorr428]

Haha haha funny as shit

[@Cuyut]

All these actors deserve so much more recognition. They breathe such personality into these small roles, it’s incredible how they make these skits come to life!

[@chad4921]

people keep talking about "actors" are you guys commenting on the right videos? this is a news channel jesus christ

[@chazchillings3019]

I was just thinking how much of a darling is the female host. She gets it down to the t

[@Joeysaladslover]

@@chad4921 😐

[@melon7811]

I made your comment 999 uwu

[@Bandit-oy1yz]

@@henryfink5348 Today now is a parody show

[@bocowan9106]

Later he got to have lunch with his favorite superhero, the Homelander! 🇺🇸

[@martinenyx-filmstuff305]

I just love reports about wholesome American families

[@CityWhisperer]

"Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with his dad's power drill" LMAO 😂😂

[@diegod1177]

for real these slides have me deaddds asf

[@CTButcher]

thats fucked up

[@ivanmegafanboy1981]

That´s fucking metal

[@timenspacetraveler7964]

this kid would love hotline miami lmao

[@blight1636]

@@CTButcher you don’t understand the old internet

[@deadchat6509]

The onion is my favourite source for news it’s reliable and speaks the truth

[@Cat-dm1zs]

me too it's so honest and it's just overall real

[@ryangustin4752]

They're never afraid of the facts, and they always say it how it is.

[@hlakbrlighthouse1835]

You watching this: *DEW IT!*

[@asifmetal666]

This is the only true neutral news show

[@drakebrown9622]

Get the fuck away Palpatine, your not wanted here, your not the senate

[@Mudkip_lieker13]

Lil bro was NOT having it

[@yuhin4694]

I don't understand why people say that onion is a satire. What they are showing is just another day in US.

[@kmm2442]

That dad is the stand out actor here. Those looks of sweet endearment and humility.

[@cockoffgewgle4993]

His cheeks even go red. That's acting.

[@evanblythe1933]

"Why would he change his shirt? It's his honor shirt." Daddy Jack

[@bilcozbi67]

they're all great honestly

[@jesusisthetruth4497]

FlickerFlame oof

[@keyanaleonard9911]

His dad looks like Caitlyn Jenner

[@hydrogen.jukebox]

"Must've been fun getting that award at school, right? An-" "I want the blood"

[@thomasingram1727]

"Well, he's getting a little shy now"

[@lorenzocassaro3054]

He wants the blood

[@alx2900]

Just give him the blood

[@aram8832]

Reporters ki fatt gyi.

[@thegroi]

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

[@tonytooshort]

1:57 "I want the blood" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@adraino7345]

I remember one night I got a bloody nose as a kid so I pooled it into my hands over the toilet and then smeared it all over my face to scare my parents. My parents yelled at me for getting blood on the carpets and were completely unphased. In retrospect that was definitely an insane thing for an 11 year old to do.

[@Ant3618_]

He is now 20 years old, he will never forget this in his life.

[@eileencarr2895]

Anndddd... he got sentenced life for Massacring a preschool

[@CutTheVioletWire]

@@eileencarr2895 you know you can edit KZbin comments right?

[@eileencarr2895]

@@CutTheVioletWire yea just forgot lol

[@thnx]

8 + 14 = 22

[@Zaire82]

@@thnx That's right, cool maths. He'd be 21 though.

[@cringehorse]

"He started crying, so I shot him in the back." "He wouldn't stop talking so I shot his jaw!" "I like the way the blood makes me feel!" "I want the blood."

[@Ryan-ir3zp]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge wait what?? i thought the onion was a reputable news source!

[@neighbourino2376]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge Darn it! I never would have thought The Onion would lie! The betrayal!

[@pikaboy70]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge You’re a sub beggar, dumbass

[@neighbourino2376]

@@kSubscribersWithoutVideo-qg3qr I know you weren't talking to me but I responded anyway. Nothing you can do about that

[@pikaboy70]

10k Subscribers with no videos challenge Look! The beggar called someone a dumbass. You can all laugh now 😂

[@Leathercrafters]

At first I didn't realize it was the Onion News. I was getting a little concerned.

[@intalcu5610]

0:34 “I take it out a lot. Sometimes I just look at it.” He _just_ looks at it _sometimes,_ implying he does more most times… Even from such a young age, he works himself to the bone every day! Truly an admirable, larger-than-life hero!

[@MT-od6by]

he's such a psychopath

[@HalfLife-hq8eu]

...

[@cultofsucc5807]

@@HalfLife-hq8eu its a joke if you couldn't tell

[@HalfLife-hq8eu]

@@cultofsucc5807 i indeed can

[@S_auce]

...

[@nashton7057]

That smirk at the end gets me everytime

[@patateslikofte6474]

Lmao

[@whatever-wn1nk]

it's like he's waiting for the next burglar

[@oldsif645]

666 likes

[@kdevinturner8778]

"Why would he change his shirt? That is his honor shirt". I am crying laughing as I keyboard this.

[@Edmundajw]

As a Brit who has once travelled to the USA, I can confirm that this is what all Americans are actually like.

[@KansasMan1938]

Can't hear the accent

[@bobbyologun1517]

@@KansasMan1938 Innit

[@m1012t]

12 years later and he’s a proud and successful police officer 🥰

[@Aroused_mortician]

Good for him, I'm sure he's doing well.

[@revanofkorriban1505]

@@Aroused_mortician I think he's joking. Probably satirizing the police shooting criminals in the back.

[@Aroused_mortician]

@@revanofkorriban1505 yeah man, pretty sure everyone knows.

[@josiahslate7374]

So funny lol. Go fuck your self

[@Aroused_mortician]

@@josiahslate7374 you okay Kyle?

[@trashy10]

idk why everyone is laughing,we need to get this boy some help,it took him all those shots just to kill 1 man

[@trashy10]

great! now that's a good cause,finally the church helping out kids

[@stalinwasballin338]

trashy10 thank god this is so real

[@lilcrust3063]

The video is fake dude.

[@yourpark2616]

trashy10 ik and the guy was just hungry

[@lemonke8132]

Mr.cornbreadsauce read the guy’s comment carefully. He’s making a joke...

[@tanvi741]

It’s funny how 13 years later some people still can’t tell this is satire

[@Poodle_Gun]

Yes they can stfu

[@johnstuart4914]

I despise people like you. Half the fun is the comment section, but some midwits always have to ruin it. Well done, you get a gold star for having heard about the onion before

[@NakhchivanRepublic]

​@@johnstuart4914😂😂

[@shmoobtube9659]

TikTok kids seein this thinkin it’s real

[@AdrianColley]

Genius from start to finish. I especially love the condescending-but-not-listening attitude of the presenters.

[@kokonutmilkshake703]

The awkward silence after the kid says "I want the blood" is gold

[@randomduck8679]

It's like they finally reliazied the kid might not be normal

[@Jduude]

“World’s most attractive woman celebrates 48th birthday” is underrated

[@l4ndst4nder]

What a wonderful young patriot exemplifying stand your ground laws in the US

[@BohemianGnostic]

Absolutely! #FAFO

[@vexivero]

world's oldest attractive woman celebrates 48th birthday lmfao!

[@roddydykes7053]

Vexivero So true lmao sad reality

[@roddydykes7053]

Vexivero So true lmao, sad reality

[@ishpeeedy]

Name?

[@realmaximouse]

Yo, you ever heard of Helen Mirren? Always has looked amazing for her age! But in general yes it's true

[@jokebud]

Vexivero they’re commenting on misogynistic beauty ideals for aging women

[@GeneralCane]

The burglar was an absolute tank to have survived as much as he did before dying.

[@yoursleepparalysisdemon1828]

nah you can survive a few minutes with that damage

[@kevincruise3521]

@@yoursleepparalysisdemon1828uh..per.. personal experience?

[@Psilomuscimol]

​but stay conscious?

[@justseffstuff3308]

"Lucas says he hopes more burglars break in so he can stop them with Dad's power drill" had me wheezing lmao

[@srbrant5391]

The kid’s all grown up now and living a productive life in my town. It’s weird how he always dumps a whole bunch of cherry cobbler into the trash right after I stop hearing from one of my neighbors, though.

[@1actose]

Yeah. I heard firecracker-like sounds from his backyard on Halloween, and my friend (in the backyard) perfectly replicated a dead body, even going as far as making it look like he was decapitated.

[@1actose]

He was put in my garbage can, he's still giving me the silent treatment.

[@srbrant5391]

@@1actose Man, some people...

[@1actose]

@@srbrant5391 yeah.

[@Xominus]

@@1actose Is he still quiet?

[@thrashingpanic]

"But you didn't listen to him, did you? :)"

[@sforbesgocka]

what a hero

[@lilirodriguez8851]

Oconachar I hope you’re being sarcastic

[@mrhuntalot123]

@@lilirodriguez8851 you dont think what that kid did took bravery?

[@lilirodriguez8851]

Remy Martin It wasn’t bravery. Bravery is doing something for good even though you’re afraid to. This was only a desire to hurt someone. One gun shot would have been understandable as defense but the rest of the injuries were only to keep causing him pain even though he was already defenseless after the first shot.

[@karl5758]

@@lilirodriguez8851 r/atetheonion

[@Skyking549]

Jermas Origin Story

[@dadrocha7741]

You had going for a minute. I'm glad I have a sense of humor.

[@BarrelShape]

"It's the weakest part of the skull, that's right" lol

[@summerskull9379]

"Well how did you manage to do that, Lucas?" "Either you shoot at the temples and pull down, or you shoot at the side of the skull wall." Wait, so he's done this more than once?

[@bananasrotate7821]

@@summerskull9379 it's called deer hunting

[@daneiten1]

@@bananasrotate7821 no.its not

[@bern9642]

@@daneiten1 if you watch the video, it shows pictures of his and his dad's hunting trip. That's probably where he left all that.

[@jeffstortz8731]

"I wanted the blood." "Weeelll he's gotten a little shy now." Not only are the actors who play the hosts amazing, but every guest knocks it out of the park, even when they're only 8!

[@MendaSonOfMyself]

actors?

[@MendaSonOfMyself]

​@@EMPEROR_SIN​Some people don't get a joke smh

[@Rex_Nichts]

He's not 40,000 years old

[@jamesg252]

@@Rex_Nichts lol

[@zankthegreat4291]

@Starry Eyes still the kids. If you value someone else’s things over your life, we’ll also value our things over your life.

[@The24thWight]

I'm so proud of this kid.

[@ryanvedo9008]

I love how many of us keep coming back to this video years later

[@The24thWight]

@@ryanvedo9008 because it both represents what the extreme left think of self defense and what the extreme right think is appropriate for self defense. Since most of us are centrists. (Relative to either extreme at least) We find it hilarious.

[@secondeye1574]

@@The24thWight You need to brush up on your politics, bud. Leftists are pro second amendment

[@capybaraandwatermelonenjoy8208]

@@The24thWight exactly, theres radical leftists who think violence/physical resistance should never be used in any scenario or you're automatically a bad person and then radical right-wingers who think a brutal execution is proper punishment for any crime, it's so fucking dumb