Are They Avoidant? Or Just Not Interested... Here's How You Can Tell!

[@agi.kitchen]

@4:24 I think the person could claim I was avoidant but to me, because we were living together, since they didn’t do literally ANYTHing to help me save time by doing some of the stuff that made my workday drag on (ex: mow the lawn so the dogs’ 💩 was easier for me to find - I know gross example lol), I’d end up working 8+ hours as an ai engineer working from home, then having to mow the lawn (I tried outsourcing many times and it was even more chaotic and took more time), so then cared for the yard the dogs my jobs that paid for all the extras and all the other obligations I had. Clearly person was not interested in me as a person, and it eventually turned into a mutual feeling.

[@aprildawnmusic_]

If he’s not interested then why does he orbit my social media and reach out with low effort texts AFTER I called him out for being low effort and told him it’s ok, I’m just not interested in participating at that rate and told him to stop feigning interest and orbiting? He deflected and said it was because he was busy with two jobs and even apologized but then invited me to hang out with him after work on his side of town the next day, which would be at his convenience. Given the boundary I set, I ignored his deflection. Since then every other day he’s reached out with a vague text, basically ignoring what I was trying to address, I’m just saying I hope you’re having a wonderful day. He also watches my stories. What the heck? Is he avoidant? Is he just not interested? Or is he just a player? Is him reaching out with minimal text his way of trying to show interest within his avoidance limitations? Or is it just nonsense?

[@wild3812]

FA here. Definetly very invested in a partner in the first months of the relationship. So can’t relate to what you just described. It sounds like dating an introvert? I am usually giving my 100% and idealising the other person. Always responding, honest, communicative. The minute there is a serious issue or a risk of rejection - I get super scared and start deactivating. If someone is doing things outside of my ideal image of them - I get overwhelmed with disappointment and start thinking of leaving. What changed for me nowadays is I communicate with the other party and tell them how I feel. I journal and work with a therapist. But the thoughts of leaving are very frequent. Is this something you can relate to?

[@bolsa3136]

Exactly what Im trying to do.

[@ericaalfonso3983]

What if you date an avoidant for almost 8 months and they seem invested and all in and admits there’s a connection and they feel close but then pull back and say they aren’t sure if they feel love?

[@robertdeskoski9783]

Nah, this definitely isn't always the case. My DA ex had been all in to begin with me and a previous ex, and then pulled wayyyyy back, convinced themselves they didn't love either of us, and left rhe relationship. Do you know what I heard consistently throughout the relationship? The need to want to change the past relationship and other relationships and regrets etc. They also started breaking down a few months out from the previous relationship and almost going into massive depression. There was no lack of interest, just a fear of intimacy that triggered them heavily. So it's not always about "rationalising" what's going on: Some people just self-destruct anything good that comes into their lives because they don't feel like they deserve it. The only people they hadn't run from were people who had limited investment in them.

[@ijv5567]

Yeah I stopped watching this channel too due to the false information. Avoidants usually are all in. Until the blindside discard breakup. Thats when they completely change. I never knew my ex was avoidant until then. She loved making plans, loved going out to dinner, loved communicating. There were no signs of them being avoidant while things were going well. This channel has this completely wrong compared to other channels which understand that an avoidant actually is identified when its already over.

[@shanb7306]

@@ijv5567 Well you've done yourself a disservice because it doesn't fit everything you do/ don't do. Avoidance is displayed differently across the board, among different Avoidants but often times, a lot of the Avoidance is similar if you ask enough people-- yet just like people's experience varies about going to high school. A lot of people have attended high school but as we know, every high school has differences yet we all can agree how the overall experience usually is in a traditional high school. Avoidance is on a spectrum. However, there's way more channels than this one as well as books. Some Avoidants definitely do behave just like this. But nonetheless, just like many other conditions even physical ones; it's all on a spectrum. All Avoidants are not the same! The one I dated behaved precisely like this- he wasn't 'all in' at the very beginning. He was inconsistent from the start to the extent that I had to ask him, if he was really interested in me or not.

[@Nariiiiii541]

Great video gained a lot of clarity on this topic

[@healingwithcharlie]

I’m glad it was insightful for you :)

[@villalobosregina]

I love how chill and easygoing you make this. I’ve always been made to feel like a monster for being an avoidant woman. I suffer a lot because of it. Thanks for your work! ❤

[@ijustneedmyself]

I'm sorry people make you feel like a monster 😢

[@healingwithcharlie]

Thank you and you’re welcome! I know that feeling all too well so I’m glad my work made a difference for you. Thanks for sharing :)

[@zred17]

Yaa avoidants are avoided!...too difficult to date

[@shanb7306]

That's a flaw though with a lot of Avoidants- you don't want to feel the guilt that you should so you just keep repeating this behavior. If you hear this from multiple people then you know you have a serious problem, yet you must like hurting others. This is why you feel "like a monster," because of the way you are acting. Stop doing it so you'll feel like saint and loved rather than 'like a monster.'

[@nailed_sa]

Thank you for your insight