Avoidant Deactivation Strategies Explained | Dismissive Avoidant

Dating avoidants can be a complex and frustrating experience. For many, frustration arises when they deactivate and seemingly pull away.
In today's video, I explain why avoidants deactivate along with 5 common deactivating strategies.
Chapters:
00:00 Intro
00:38 Why Avoidants Deactivate
01:50 Common Avoidant Triggers
03:12 Deactivating Strategy 1
03:47 Deactivating Strategy 2
06:14 Deactivating Strategy 3
10:30 Deactivating Strategy 4
14:21 Deactivating Strategy 5
17:13 Accountability Matters
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[@glsn3825]

I think that it is not fair to say that only anxious attachment style will react anxiously towards avoidants. My ex is an FA and I was pretty much secure until he switch from being the perfect bf to someone cold and distant. I think anybody will be shocked and would like to have answers. It can even shake secure people, you just need to be human to be hurt by seing the person you love shifting, especially if at that moment you were not aware of what attachment styles are.

[@iceman6547]

I have been thinking this exact same thing- I recently got out of a relationship, and I was secure the entire time until I found a shift in their behaviour a month before they ended it abruptly. I was an anxious wreck because I couldn't understand what caused the shift in behaviour. I think your attachment style can vary depending on who you are with. Everyone except dismissive avoidants seem to occupy more than one at some point.

[@healingwithcharlie]

That's a fair point and you're absolutely right! Almost everyone that experiences this feels shock to varying degrees. I mostly frame things in the context of anxious-avoidant relationships given those seem to be the most common dynamics, but I'll be more mindful of having inclusive language for all relationship styles as well

[@glsn3825]

@@healingwithcharlie Hi, thanks for considering my comment ☺️ I appreciate your content, it helps us!

[@glsn3825]

@@iceman6547 Exactly same for me. It is the sudden change that is like a punch to your face and you are like.. wait what is happening?? And then I did things I never did like texting and calling because I wanted answers.. (got suddenly blocked)

[@iceman6547]

@@glsn3825 I'm sorry to hear that.... I was the opposite- I gave her space every time she needed. The only problem with it is, it means that they are constantly setting the boundaries of the relationship and when you can engage with them or not. You end up just being a passive vessel and reacting to whatever they are feeling rather than sharing a relationship. She ignored me for two weeks, then on a video call acted like nothing was wrong and said she didn't want to continue. I blocked and deleted her.

[@Ryuhayabusa.7]

Hi Charlie, Can you make a video on how to make a relationship with an avoidant work? My gf is an avoidant, and communicating with her, getting her to stop throwing our relationship away each time she’s upset or overwhelmed, and getting her to open up is insanely difficult and frustrating. I love her, but sometimes I wanna smash my head against a wall. Thank you!

[@Xippoc]

Secure here, people don't date avoidants. No need to shame them or point fingers, but you're free to not date them also. All my happy relationships were with secure attachers and anxious attachers. Avoidants lack sufficient motivation to fight for you or be loving.

[@fatatabata]

Just being curious, why are you still watching videos about Avoidants then?

[@jamjox9922]

@@fatatabata Could be the algorithm. I watch different things all the time that doesn't affect me, but I like educating myself, specially in Psychology.

[@fatatabata]

@@jamjox9922 hello, I agree with you but my question was for @Xippoc. It's interesting why he felt the need to leave a comment under a video describing an attachment style he never experienced.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Love your videos. Your calm demeanor is very impactful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience.

[@ratm3133]

Hey,there Charlie. I’ve had an on off relationship with a perceived fearful avoidant who had a terrible family and a terrible loss without a lot of external baggage from the family and loss. I’ve had no contact for about four months and still love them but I’ve got a good feeling that I did an appropriate and supportive job to turn their situation around for them. Thanks for your help and I feel ok sharing the story.

[@WildfireS1]

Fantastic video. Thank you.

[@LosmitosdeDaniellefer]

Very clear as always. Thank you Charlie.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Thank you very much! :)

[@dominikwolski9577]

Thank you, Charlie. Your material is getting better and better. Wish I’d been aware of what you’re making us see before my split-up from a DA.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Thank you! Trying to improve with each video. Just because it feels too late now doesn’t mean you can’t set yourself up for success in future relationships now

[@nataliemarie1519]

Can you speak to the difference between a FA who uses compartmentalization as a coping mechanism, believing they are emotionally mature… vs actual healthy self awareness and healing ..

[@healingwithcharlie]

That's a good suggestion! Also something I worked through in therapy as well so I'll definitely talk on that soon. Thanks for sharing!

[@nataliemarie1519]

@@healingwithcharlie yes please and thank you! 🙏🏻

[@Kortemaki]

Premiere let's gooo

[@user-od5nb4gi4j]

Have you thought about making a video from the perspective of an avoidant? How to heal as an avoidant? I am an avoidant I’ve hurt my ex terribly it is in the past but I’d like to better myself regardless of the matter. Being on this channel, however informative is difficult and hurtful. Being an avoidant is not something to be proud of, but some guidance wouldn’t hurt us

[@wild3812]

Hey Charlie. I just discovered your content - thank you. Do you have an experience of how avoidants behave with secure partners? Could you share something around this topic

[@healingwithcharlie]

I’m in the process of writing this for my next video! Aiming to post it next week so stay tuned :)

[@wild3812]

@@healingwithcharliethank you and really love your channel! Keep it up

[@krystalloes889]

We are in a break, he is hurting and he looks at the past he wants us to be together better in our time yet he still reaches out in text and “ hints he wants my presence “

[@pokegirl7021]

So I have this question, if me and my ex are still sending snap streaks. Should I end them for the no contact?

[@danavereen4316]

I have finally reached out to my guy of 3.5 years with this video. We have had no contact for 4 months now. Its been hell but, I have worked on myself - lost 20 lbs 👍 Lets see if it works 🤞

[@yellowpurples832]

Did he reach back?

[@danavereen4316]

@@yellowpurples832 I just sent it this morning.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Wish you luck! 🙌

[@whenisayyhana]

How was it? Please let us know what happened 😊

[@danavereen4316]

@whenisayyhana as of yet nothing but it could be a couple of days. Will get back to you IF I hear back from him. Feeling anxious 😟

[@vtodd9203]

At the moment I am in No Communication /Blocked for 3 months after something triggered him. I dont know if he will ever unblock me again.

[@clarascully68]

Don’t wait to find out, in my experience they do it again and again unfortunately. It’s up to them to try to heal. I’ve just been ghosted out of nowhere, a few days before my operation for possible cancer. They can’t be relied on. ❤

[@vsinkorswimv]

Is #5 similar to a bpd dumping/devaluation? Like, three years of great communication and we spoke of how different everything was for us. We never even fought, or if we did, we would step away and resolve it before bed. Then money tensions arise. I check out (yes, I messed up too,) they are super stressed all the time. We had an explosive argument that would usually never be such an issue, then I am told that it is over. I became the reason for the stress, to the point where my mom says they are just putting all of their fears about themselves on me. Over the moving out period the story changes as to what happened as I try to find clarity. Now no contact but even if I wanted to I've been blocked on everything, even places they don't go, like they went out of their way to log in to video games that we played three years ago to block me? Literally so confused, also they have a high view of themself outwardly, but I was the only person they let in ever, and I'm not a sucker, I know its true from being in their family and such. Also the comments that are from so much pain that say forget them! f them! are not where I am at at all, I'm in a lot of pain while also trying to understand what happened with grace as I've been given so much in my life. Also infidelity is off the table as to a secret reason, they don't let anyone in ever.

[@healingwithcharlie]

It certainly can be similar. Many people diagnosed with BPD often have dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment styles, which is why insecure attachment styles can sometimes be indicative or larger challenges like personality disorders. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, you’re not alone but it’s good you’re doing your best to not demonize them despite the challenges they may have brought to the relationship. I hope my videos can be a source of insight and validation, for what they’re worth at least.

[@alinapetrova9277]

Oh shoot…If I knew this at least 15-10 ago maybe I wouldn’t push away so many good ppl from my life …anyways, at least now I can be aware 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@fubao588]

Can just friendzone them?

[@JohnBoulding]

Ive been dating who I think is a FA for four months.. first two months she was very available, very physically close with lots of touch and affection. Now over the last month she never wants to go out, but texts me that she misses me and calls. We went out last night finally and she said she cries, tells me shes holding me back, not ready for a relationship and i asked if she wants to stop seeing me and she said no. She loves me as a friend she says. She mentioned me dating orher women and when i asked if she wanted me to, she said no. Im completely confused what to do

[@jurgenwehner3607]

My Fa/DA started to pull away after about two months (suggesting to put relationship on hold until divorce is settled - 6 years later she is still not technically divorced)

[@healingwithcharlie]

It seems like she cares about you deeply but something is holding her back from making that commitment. The fact she's open about her feelings and is willing to show emotional vulnerability in front of you is a positive sign though. Perhaps she needs more time to feel trust between the two of you. It wouldn't hurt to keep taking things slow until you see signs of her trying more. Keep in mind that you have a life to live too so continue to advocate for your needs while reassuring her you'll be there for her as well. Wish you luck with this!

[@jurgenwehner3607]

Mine had suggested I should go dating several times in our relationship. Only recently she accused me of of having had a 5 hours conversation (‘date’) with someone in a public space a year ago after she insisted I go date (as she was going to as well).

[@JohnBoulding]

@@healingwithcharlie I will be patient and continue to give her the space she needs. I'm certain she loves me more than as a friend. What is really hard is knowing how much to back away and times and how much to move forward. I knew FA and DA need their space and autonomy along with emotional support. I'm thankful for videos like these as this is new territory for me. I was an anxiously attachment style person until just a few years ago but managed to heal and become secure. She's been through traumas and so have so I understand where this comes from. But I'm still trying to navigate the ups and downs

[@clarascully68]

@@JohnBoulding❤

[@UploadPicture2041]

I did no contact for 9 days now because my ex (he said he didn't want to break up yet but I shouldn't have hope that we might reconcile), and he has not spoken to me since then. Though he said he didn't necessarily want to break up, he was also not yet into getting back together because he said he already lost feelings for me due to my anxious attachment. It slowly killed whatever love he had before that was growing. He said that I was too loving and that smothered him. So I don't know if I should still reach out or not.

[@Zazzazzoo]

don't! are you seriously considering begging them to let you love them?! no. let them reach out if they want to.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Personally, it might be worth making the tough decision to end it (at least for the time being). Being in a state of limbo doesn’t help either of you. Feeling broken up without officially being broken up causes unnecessary heartache and delays healing for both of you. It may be worthwhile for both of you to work on yourselves during some time apart as 9 days is very brief. Stick with it! I hope my videos can help in the process

[@UploadPicture2041]

@@healingwithcharlie Hi Charlie, thank you for responding. It's been 17 days now. I badly want to talk to him and follow your advice of ending it. He has not reached out. Should I reach out and tell him that we should just end things?

[@yeahbuddy5280]

I asked my DA when he was coming to visit me and he deactivated.

[@fatatabata]

Yeah, we would need to understand the dynamic in order to build a better relationship with them. Let him come closer at his own pace.

[@JohnDoe-er3gz]

I am a disorganized-avoidant. I'm triggered when I feel insecure. When I think my heart is going to be broken again, I shutdown. I cut the evil in the bud. I did this 9 months ago to someone that I really love. It was all because I suspected of some pics posted on their x. We didn't argue about it. We just cut each other off. I think they are a dismissive-avoidant. It hurts anyway, but we keep in no contact. I need to move on, even if I feel a big loss.

[@yellowpurples832]

Can I forward this video to my ex avoidant? I am in the 13th day NC with him...ty

[@danavereen4316]

I just sent it to mine. I now understand what I did to trigger his avoidance of me and our relationship. Here's crossing my fingers that it helps - in our case, more like work magic ❤

[@yellowpurples832]

@@danavereen4316 but I am in 13th day NC

[@healingwithcharlie]

You can but he may not be receptive. With 13 days in, he may see it as an attempt to win him back. Doesn’t mean it can’t help open up conversation between you two though. In my experience either can happen so I wish you luck if you do! :)

[@yellowpurples832]

@@healingwithcharlie thank you very much.

[@yellowpurples832]

@@healingwithcharlie hi Charlie, tbh, my purpose is sending him this is for him to be aware of his/our situation. I don't expect any positive response in return.I love him so much that I am willing to let him go but want him to be better on his next relationship as well. He's already a 60M and I am sad that up to now he's not seeking any help or even self reflect. 😔 my heart is broken but my sound mind is telling me to do what's best for me, and that is to heal and move on...💔😢💔😔😢

[@wendydaniel1110]

Avoidants would be better off with cats. Cats will not expect much but food, water and a few cuddles. Avoidants are not capable of showing up for healthy relationships. They need deep healing if they could find the courage to look at themselves .