Are you Codependent or Caring? - Terri Cole

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

“Because when any of us elevate our mental health, everyone gets elevated.” So well stated.

[@blackdragon6247]

Yep now I know why I felt so resentful from over giving no way back from close family members and friends who don't care to give anything back asking me more elevating their needs just because I achieved more than them through too much health risking efforts and got shocked when they don't risk anything and just ask to their needs met through my free service. That's why I got so mad to them after all those free caring service risking my time and energy still they don't even realize this sacrifice since their own interests is to take anything for free from my hard earned achievements. That's really upsetting experience in my life.

[@BoudiccaBlueBodyart]

Hello and thank you for this. My mum died in 2017 and it was only through this physical release that I started to understand her narcissistic personality disorder which then made me realise what that had made me - co-dependant. I think the part that really resonated with your video was the Self Abandonment of my own needs in preference to fulfilling someone else's needs to feel needed and approved. That idea of Self Abandonment stopped me in my tracks. It's definitely a breakthrough moment. I had another breakthrough last year when I did some mirror work with a therapist and realised even when I had gone no contact with my mum years ago it didn't matter that I had 'escaped' all her negative talk and put downs because I had just picked up the baton and carried on talking to myself like she always had. This Self Abandonment feels like a significant breakthrough just as much as the mirror work discovery so thank you again. It's another significant step in my own recovery xxx

[@ashleyarbour3065]

Thank you for this video!! I realized after coming from a very dysfunctional family, father was a narcissist and mother was codependent. I was able as a child to stand up for myself with my dad, but my mom took his side instead of mine. I now tend to avoid having to set boundaries with people. I tend to isolate most of the time and hang out with people very seldom. If the person I am hanging out with does something that bothers me I am afraid to tell them how I feel due to how they'll react. Once the weather gets a little better, I plan to go to ACA meetings and maybe I can work on acquiring friendships where it is a more safe environment because of the common ground that we probably all share either coming from a family of alcoholics or otherwise dysfunctional environments. All through childhood I isolated in my room with my music and the only healthy relationship I had was with a psychologist who I saw for about 10 years, so I am new to knowing how to forge relations with others. Do you have any tips?

[@jessicagodin4678]

I hear you. I come from a similar place. Best of luck in your journey.

[@maryannefernholz3903]

I love Terri Cole and all the wisdom she brings to those of us that could not create the lives we love without the vital tools she provides. Thank you Terri!!

[@benedictorcudjoe2589]

After watching the your shows, I’ve realized I have codependency. I never knew this. I truly mean well when I feel I care. My emotions are very strong and I thought that care too much but now I can see that I have this tendency. I guess I’ve heard the word codependent before but never actually understood it. Thank You!

[@vanillabean333]

Just have to say… I love your necklace! It really brings out the color of your eyes, but it’s you who make it look stunning.

[@eyesrblue73j46]

Seriously hit home. You explained me to a T. I take care of everyone but me! My Mom did it too. I'm 45 and wouldn't begin to know how to start over or change. I'm at my worst. Thank you for your videos.

[@carrieorser5534]

You are absolutely right about codependency turning resentful because that's what I went through. I blamed someone else for my sadness and now I realize that I create my own happiness. No one can bring me down except myself! They can put obstacles in the way but it is up to yourself how to deal with it or if you want too. If you love yourself and your life it is so much easier to jump over the hurdles and come out shinning! I also learned to enjoy hobbies or things you enjoy outside of the relationship Brings you closer because loving yourself and life makes you happy inside and how is that not attractive! Just be happy within yourself and with your own life brings great pleasure and will attract the kind of person or people that will be a bonus to your experience! Thank you!

[@lorrieray312]

This sounds like me! I come from a family with a alcoholic father. Over giving, over everything. I used to give money to my sister and her family all the time. They have struggled paying bills for years. I would help them and then they started to expect it. Very rarely did the thank me. Finally I cut them off. I thought: they need to sink or swim. You know, teach a man to fish... they still struggle but they need to learn how to figure it out for themselves. I also think I need to buy stuff for people (treats, books, flowers, etc) I have to stop myself! Nobody does this for me. I don’t know why I think I need to spend all my money on others. Ugh. I just discovered you and am enjoying your videos. Thank you!

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

yep, it's exactly what I do. I run circles around others and I forget myself all the time.

[@terri_cole]

I see you ❤️

[@lmar2478]

This is totally me, without even thinking about it twice I’d do for someone in my family. For as long as I can remember I took on responsibilities that were not for me to do. I felt responsible for others. I am now at 44 learning how to say no more, I’m learning to do for me now. I will re-listen to your video and let it really sink in some more. Thank you.

[@MicahRion]

I had surgery recently and as I've been recovering and unable to do and give as normal, I'm really seeing how I've been overgiving and overfunctioning. I've know I was doing it, but I'm really seeing how it's not free. And fantasizing about not going back to those old patterns as I recover. As I have been resting I've been spending a lot of time with your videos and they've been really helpful to me. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

Sending you healing vibes ❤️❤️

[@caleuxx9108]

Doing things for others outside the healthy realm is something that has been shoved down my throat since I was a girl. At 18 (a very vulnerable time for me, since I was already legally an adult, but hadnt finished high school due to age and many moves, so I was really still dependent) I was manipulated into many responsibilities and anytime I discussed being overburdened I was told that it wasnt that much work and other gaslighting.

[@kawaiiii725]

My boyfriend has told me on several occasions that my codependency in the relationship is doing more harm than good, yet I didn't understand the concept of unhealthy helping; however, all of your statements have hit much closer to home than I anticipated or was honestly ready for. Especially being the "hero" child. My close and extended family were/are alcoholics (not so bad lately), as well as my sister has extremely abusive and manipulative tendencies. I've felt extremely responsible for caring for my family's needs, so much so that if I don't do anything when bad things happen, I feel personally guilty. It's gotten to the point that I feel guilt for all of the world's problems! I just finished high school and am heading into college and now realize I've been coping with the necessity to aid everyone by isolating myself almost entirely aside from my boyfriend. I value his needs way above my own, and do whatever he asks me to do in order to feel as if I'm significant in his life. I'm still struggling to understand the concept of codependency in all honesty, but I recognize that I do depend on him for emotional support way too much and fear I have no other outlet. I've spent so much of my life over-caring for other people and attempting too hard to be the most loving and kind person that I have no idea what my true needs are, what I want from life. Right before watching this video, I was gearing myself up for staying up late to wait for a response from my boyfriend. I understand I have to take steps, now, but I'm a bit lost as to how, and scared that if I change myself, my family will resent me, or think of me as a mistake of a child instead of the helping and caring child they tell me I am. I have a desire to change but I don't know how I can.

[@morgansievers629]

I relate to this so much. I have ALWAYS felt like responsible for the acrions of my close family members. I have always felt the need to instantly find a way to fix their issues, without thinking about it for a moment. This was so helpful!

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you found it useful.

[@vaishalivaidya7978]

Thank you so so much for an information put across with such clarity. I somewhere feel that we all as social creatures/ organisms, have been trained and tutored into some acceptable ways of being and we in parts are a bit of everything, at times a little more unhealthily inclined towards one thing or the other. Thank you once again for even sharing a bit of your story which is something thats also been done by Oprah, Lewis Howes, Gabor Mate, Aubrey Marcus, Glennon Doyle, Anita Moorjani and a whole lot of others for years together. Sharing our stories, giving it a voice not only makes us more whole humans, but also enables us to own our ownselves.

[@JamieR2077]

Crazy, I've never real heard about codependency and over functioning... I'm one of your male followers! I realize my mom was super over functioning and now I'm helping my wife under function, trying to learn what's helping and not hurting without parenting my spouse...

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here, Jamie! Let yourself be patient with the process and let it take time.

[@SissyGamerzandPlay22]

Thank you, Terri. This helps immensely. Especially when you say so lovingly, if you discover your very much a codependent "that's ok." Self awareness is a great start. Much love.❤

[@terri_cole]

Yes, self awareness is where it all begins.

[@PaulaandEbrima]

Thank you....I'm currently in a situation of being gaslighting by someone,he doesn't say sorry when he's at wrong and always brings back on me,saying it's my fault .Also I had a rough childhood and I was responsible for taking care of my brother at a very young age, and now with my own children I feel like I need to care for them to the extent of feeling drained ,I suffer from anxiety as well ,I feel so stressed out and drained, I need to start say no and tell them how I feel.

[@terri_cole]

Take care of yourself so you can look after your own well being. You do not need to take on the burdens of others, that is for them to worry about. Sending you strength, mama!

[@PaulaandEbrima]

@@terri_cole thanks💜🙏

[@realeyesc9385]

I’m so happy to be in a place in my journey where I am showing kindness to my self and standing up for myself. I found that because I am attractive that this is a 2 fold problem. I don’t want ppl to view me as that attractive dude that shits on ppl, so I am always available in my past so ppl don’t call me stuck up or conceited. This coupled with my codependent form of caring has been draining. So I oscillate between hyper caring and then hiding/dodging others when I don’t have anything left to give. Well, no fucking more!

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you.

[@marymcclain5207]

Thank you so much for this and other great videos and your book, Boundary Boss! This is so valuable and needed! Your words and clarity are greatly appreciated! 🙏👏☀️🌎🌝⚖️✨❤️

[@brendamanchester6969]

Dear Terri ~ thank goodness for you. I've just discovered you on KZbin. My brother is a recovering, high functioning man of many addictions and his health is wrecked and we are having a gut wrenching time. I have a wonderful psychologist here in New Zealand, but i am loving your posts! Huge comfort and a whole new world of learning, and that makes the pain and sorrow a little more worth it. And i'm doing your 21 day meditation challenge; thank you, thank you, the warmth you are bringing to me is a lifesaver xxx

[@jeffhorbachuk2642]

I have had a co dependent thing with my mom .i have been trying to set limits now and move away from that .What about someone who has been person that was being co dependent on .i was living with her and the way was like I was 12 .i wanted to do things but things became that I wasn't able to do things well enough and they would be done for me .Wow there is so much here .So I have realized that I became helpless or it takes me now more awareness to move away from that .i am not there now as I'm trying to set boundaries .thank you

[@TheArtofUnlearning]

Hi Terri. This hit home for me. I definitely take on the martyr role in relationships. I do everything around the house, organize my partners life cook all the food for the household etc. Last night I ended a 5 year codependent relationship. It's interesting because in the last year or two I began to wake up to the destructive nature of this dynamic and started rebelling against it. Started doing more things for myself and less around the house all the while communicating all of this to my partner. It was interesting to witness his reaction to me trying to break this cycle (not good). I guess it goes both ways in these types of dynamics. I'm scared to repeat this again in my future relationships....

[@terri_cole]

Awareness is key. When you are more aware of your habits you can start to make new choices.

[@deirdredempster9429]

Thank you so much for this. I now understand what I have been doing for years in my life, this is a massive breakthrough. Now I want to learn how to move forward and to make the necessary changes in my life.

[@terri_cole]

I am applauding your courage. You can keep going and I am cheering you on!!

[@augustyoung4887]

Just what I needed. When I needed it. Thank you for sharing your story and your words. I relate with you a lot, and it gives me hope and encouragement that I too can progress.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome. I'm glad you found it useful.

[@jessicagodin4678]

I feel the same way. This is exactly what I am working on in therapy right now. Makes me feel hopeful for myself, and all of us. :)

[@victoriastallard]

Thank you so much Terri, I am a Co-dependent & I have been like this for my whole life. Last month I finally got tired of My Apartment having a Houseful due to being co-dependent so I started setting boundaries & one person got upset and after just getting home from the hospital almost 2 weeks ago I really started not having Boundaries to show myself and my family I can do it. The main person I really have problems with on wanting to do self care for myself and spending so time on Loving myself is my Narc Boyfriend.

[@sakunthalalankageeganage7631]

Thank u thank u thank u Bless u. 🙏🙏🙏

[@tonyarenae1426]

I needed that thank you. Being the child of a narcissistic parent and then married a narcissistic man I bet you can only imagine. You reminded me just how sick I used to be. I was hospitalized more than a few times and at one point I had a TIA that was from all the stress from trying to take care of six people and they expected it. Not that I thought it would make me some hero because I already knew it would not I was just there Cinderella. My stress and anxiety was to the level that my cardiologist told the family you all are killing her. You need to let her be and worry about her healing. The one who used to say that I can't believe they did that after all I've done for them was always the one who did nothing go figure. Ex sister in-law told me one time when she was down that after this is all over you deserve a good vacation. I looked and stated I'm taking care of your parents for 15 years 24/7 and I have to wait until they're dead to deserve a good vacation? And I walked away I went home I took a nap they kept calling me where you at I said I'm taking a nap I guess you could call it a mini vacation. Every one of them were there and still needed me to be there. I cannot express how miserable I was in that life. I'm so glad I don't have any lasting effect after my TIA I also had two small children at the time I was early thirties when it happened. So thank you I'm so very glad that you are who you are and make these videos to remind us all of exactly what we need and what we should do for ourselves. There were so many years I was really worried about my mental health and that is exactly why I had to get out of there.

[@terri_cole]

Aw, thank you for sharing your story here and I am witnessing your courage. I'm glad to hear that you gave yourself the distance you needed and you're doing what you need to do to be well. I'm cheering you on and sending you strength and protection.

[@tonyarenae1426]

@@terri_cole ❤️❤️❤️

[@lindamar56]

Thank you so much Terry, love the way you share!

[@anushanarayanan2156]

As always, Terri, the subject of codependency is so sensitive. I listen to you, immediately identify and then sometimes catch myself getting into the old habits/patterns slowly. I am also learning to be kind when I talk to myself, so I don't crucify myself for getting into the old bad habits again. And I see an improvement - the overbearing feeling of making everything perfect for everyone is very slowly dying. Thanks. Always a work in progress.

[@terri_cole]

Yes, show yourself that compassion and kindness. You are not the person you used to be, those are old habits. Keep making those new choices, moving forward. Cheering you on!

[@edrod8807]

Thank you, honestly thank you. It all makes sense, why my life is where it is today and how Im feeling. I thought I was doing good, really was..

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you. It is a process, and make sure to take note of how far you have come to get where you are today.

[@kbhogal1929]

Spot on!

[@debbienewman9051]

Hi Terri, I would like you to talk about people who stay in relationships just because they are getting there expenses paid for them. they were once a couple but now just friends and sleep in separate rooms. I would like your advice on this one. Thank you so very much.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for the suggestions. I hear you.

[@gaurigabrieladevi]

Awesome explanation. Thank you 🙌🥰🙌

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful ❤️

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

Thanks Terri! 😍

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@Moongazer17]

Your videos help me so much, Terrie! I still have a ways to go, but watching your videos over and over has helped me so much along my journey. Thank you so much for your kindness and for sharing your insight and knowledge. Your kind demeanor and soothing voice have helped me many days when I’ve felt lost and frazzled. Thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to take of of me!❤️

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for your kind words!!! You're welcome, and I am so happy to hear the videos are resonating with you. We are all works in progress, and I'm glad you're here!

[@learn1231]

I'm so happy I discovered your channel . I learned so much and shared with my colleague

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad to hear it!

[@sonnymedina7237]

O M Gee I just came across your page and you so speak my language. I’ve been searching for this type of platform. What took you so long? Lol... Blessings!!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here! I am glad to hear it's resonating with you!

[@lo-fidreamsASMR]

Thank you! You've clarified a lot for me on this very important topic.

[@jeanettedellicarpini5616]

Thank you for bringing this up again. Very informative

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@Healingtarot630]

I completely resonate with the characteristics of unhealthy over giving ...thank you so much for enlightening us

[@melissac5071]

This is an incredible video on the topic. Thank you so much. Definitely going to download the material and check out your podcast!

[@terri_cole]

Woohooo!! Right on Melissa!

[@staceydelbucchia2576]

Awesome...thank you..your hair is beautiful💚

[@rosagamon888]

I needed this, thank you. 🙏

[@brigittajamaer9985]

Tkx

[@TheHouseOfGray]

Love your videos and feel so blessed to just have found you. Do you do phone counseling? Blessings

[@terri_cole]

I no longer do individual sessions. I teach women in my courses and free Facebook group Real Love Revolution. I hope to see you there!

[@louise2091]

So I can be a caring person and refuse to listen to the problems of others? I fing it so hard and feel so guilty for refusing to give of myself.

[@terri_cole]

Yes absolutely. You must give to yourself before you're able to give to anyone else. Take care of you.

[@PaulaandEbrima]

Being co dependent isn't fun....it takes the joy out of life

[@terri_cole]

I feel ya!

[@jenthagem]

So if codependents get to the point of feeling resentful that they are doing soooo much for someone does that automatically mean the person on the receiving end is a taker, user, someone taking advantage? Or is it just the codependents perception? Also can a person show up as co dependent in only one type of relationship and not any in others? (Example as a spouse vs as a parent or friend)

[@terri_cole]

These two vids might provide more clarity on codependency dynamics: kzbin.info/www/bejne/ime1iHeqmqiZjck & kzbin.info/www/bejne/hWO5aomehpt-mKc I also recommend doing a resentment inventory by asking yourself these questions: Is there anything you’re feeling resentful about right now in your immediate situation? What’s getting on your nerves? What feels frustrating? Where do you feel upset, hurt, unheard or unseen? A person can be codependent in any type of relationship or situation - even with coworkers. Thanks for the question!

[@wendymorgan232]

How can I access the checklist please ?

[@forseti5797]

i am codependent, every red flag had my blood on it, i always felt " i was make love to her and she was just F-cking Me" she was wise and just broke up with me, i went kicking and scream, still hard to breath and a lot of tears. the giving tree was just as guilty

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you.

[@msc281]

I'm a co-dependent who grew up with an NMom and NTwin sister...Healing has been so slow, and I take more steps backwards than I do forwards. I've learned so much unhealthy behavior from both of them, and I'm still reeling from the pure hatred from my twin. Do you have any specific recommendations for co-dependents who grew up with Narcissists?

[@terri_cole]

I see you. Yes, I have lots of other videos about dealing with a narcissistic mom. Feel free to explore my other videos and I think you will find some useful materials.

[@lisasmith516]

WOW! Get AWAY! PLEASE! If you are old enough to. Hugs! Prayed for you and your family.

[@mrritch8275]

Terry the woman I'm seeing tells me that I have food I am a narcissist and not granted you have narcissistic traits I do I know I do but I also feel that she's a co-dependent and I don't really know how approach her with this any reply would be great to to approach her with with this she flat-out just tells me that I'm an extreme narcissist and I don't see where for now but she goes by what less Carter says and I've been watching your videos on KZbin for about a year your input would be greatly appreciated

[@terri_cole]

I strongly encourage you to find a therapist that works with narcissists. If you want to heal your relationship you must heal yourself and learn to take care of yourself in healthy ways. You can't force your partner to change, but when one person does the other person usually will also change. You may also need to see a couples therapist together so you can work on the relationship. You can use this as a resource www.psychologytoday.com/us/psychiatrists

[@julalainelagat8939]

God help me...may His people develop a caring attitude now between spouses, family and community. The Universe will respond to those who have open hearts and knows how to care.

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@kattentissari3247]

B4 viewing : I'm countered pendent. Not much on that

[@oopsidazy143]

🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@mariamkinen8036]

I covered mum in a blanket many times to keep her cosy n warm. I cared . Codep is considered a mental illness . I'm not. My eldest bro got me into this f rumba. I was 'too' genius/intelligent to be the kid of my parents. Huh?