Artie Lange: Heroin Is Nothing Like Running | CONAN on TBS

Artie Lange and Nick DiPaolo talk about the subtle difference between being high on heroin and jogging.
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Airing weeknights since 2010, CONAN on TBS is home to topical monologues, remote segments, celebrity interviews, musical performances and stand-up from the top comedians in the world. Watch highlights, outtakes and behind the scenes footage of Conan palling around with sidekick Andy Richter, tormenting Associate Producer Jordan Schlansky and playing the latest video games on Clueless Gamer.
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Artie Lange: Heroin Is Nothing Like Running | CONAN on TBS
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[@drtoboggan7469]

no dude has ever blown another dude for some running shoes.

[@galleryofrogues]

If there was a ridiculous war on running shoes and possessing them could land you in prison for most of your life people might.

[@bernlin2000]

Maybe on Project Runway, but they were gonna blow each other anyway :-P

[@musakhan9719]

You sir, have just won the "heroin vs running" argument in heroins favour

[@alexpollock6932]

Sam Haas like in holes?

[@clydefrog5609]

kylertinkles dada speak for urself.

[@Clementine_left_me]

it's nice that he can have a sense of humor about it because that shit really does take your soul

[@taylorsteele1120]

CJ it really does

[@cambrongabaree8927]

Mistah Jeezy Go get addicted to hard drugs before you try to argue a point about hard drugs. You sound like an idiot.

[@tylerperkinson1677]

I'm so glad i never got on that stuff. I just try to be empathetic to the people that have.

[@tylerperkinson1677]

Pacific Rimjob yeah, learning too late that there are reasons so many people have had adduction/substance abuse problems. I have bipolar disorder.... improperly treated early on, which sometim3s is worse than no treatment. I couldnt keep a job until i took myself off the meds and started drinking..... didnt really realize i was self medicating for a long long time...... didnt realize how much of a problem it had become for a long long time..... but the conventional wisdom of 'if you just qyit drinking (or whatever substance you are self-medicating with) things will get better' isn't akways true...

[@tylerperkinson1677]

Pacific Rimjob cbd oil has been helping me recently, so glad i found it

[@ghettomist1575]

Conan treats Artie so well. He doesn't seem weirded out and it seems they genuinely like each other.

[@MohaAlraed]

+GhettoMist Conan has a good heart

[@ghettomist1575]

Buraidah Seems like it.

[@FVKELI]

Hes probably one of the most featured man on the conan show.

[@shelbyhart2511]

+GhettoMist Conan likes people who are comedians

[@carlitos3623]

I've noticed, Cinan is a good man

[@pleasuretokill]

That last line "nah, I gotta run".... Just perfect comedic timing and execution to an already amazing joke/story

[@dtecrust]

Best punchline

[@jakesnacks1149]

@@hejsan5839290485 FACTS.

[@troysteadman3183]

Andy Richter sold it too yelling bang . Sweet

[@buttayobread505]

"I used to look like Jeremy Piven.... now I look like Jeremy Piven's soul" That's one of the greatest things anyone's ever said

[@simonetanzi5103]

Ju Gold didn't get the laugh it deserved

[@sisyr5615]

Too provocative for the typical Conan-crowd to laugh at. Great joke.

[@SONOFABITCH]

'Specially in light of all the women who accused Piven of very rapey behavior last year.

[@TheSeeohhdee]

Ju Gold (great name) you can tell it was his best line because the Conan crowd didnt find it funny.

[@damienholland8103]

How is that funny? I don't get it.

[@jeffeastwood15]

"Apparently you have to run more than 20 feet to feel the high." lol

[@dnjj1845]

running feels good when it's over

[@nchasz]

David J because its over

[@michaelniel7523]

Running is just the worst

[@fadedlama]

Ain't heroin tho 🤔

[@ChrisPBacon-xn9up]

N Chasz son of a bitch, that was funny!

[@teamworkformyfrainds]

Heroin is the exact opposite

[@ProjectBlackBox_TM]

dude h3h3 really let himself go smh

[@whydoyoucare5]

LMAO BOUT 30 FOOD TIER LISTS AWAY THOUGH FRFR

[@georgegannon9449]

Back on the feeding window after this

[@theprogressivecommuter322]

Papa John's and Pepsi

[@chancebriggs2171]

Project BlackBox™ 💀😂

[@ajjaquez6163]

Depends if they’re off-white or not

[@toucansam3]

I ran cross country in high school, I ran like crazy in the military, I've ran on my own countless times and I have never felt anything remotely close to a high of any kind. I'm taking the side of "Team Heroin" on this one.

[@Sinnerboy88]

You're right there. What Artie says is indeed funny, but it's also true. You do get some gym types that are very arrogant.. so much so that it doesn't occur to them they have no means talking about something they know nothing about or have zero experience of. I'm an ex-opiate addict.. Oxy and Heroin. I've been clean for three years on substitute program which works if you put the effort in. I will say in my own personal experience, you can feel good from exercise.. but no, it's ridiculous to compare it to an opiate high.

[@fibonascii7545]

@@Sinnerboy88 especially an IV opiate high. Running has never made me nut my gym shorts

[@danr154]

yea i found out the runners high is really just a euphemism for "you are about to faint from dehydration"

[@cyrusmcelhaney9682]

@@danr154 not saying it's anything like heroin coming from a former opioid user, however this is incorrect. Running releases endorphins, just like any form of excercise, and is shown to have drastic positive impacts on mitigating depression and anxiety. Do more research before discouraging others to try something that may be life saving.

[@WickedScott]

Yeah, running miles in the Army, I wasn't thinking I wanted more running.

[@jimmynewton7349]

"Nah I gotta run" lol

[@scottsycamore478]

Genius joke crafting worthy of Jerry Seinfeld.

[@VBshredder]

and i just got the 2nd part of that joke. was already funny without the pun!

[@returnoftheredeye]

I never heard of this guy before, but he sure knows how to work an anecdote. The timing of the "I gotta run" punchline was sublime.

[@osirissalgado6689]

"im on my 8th mile when does it start to feel like heroin"?lol.

[@bobluitaotsu8722]

+Osiris Salgado haha did you notice he slipped up and intially said 8th point... always gonna have that smack on his mind poor bloke

[@osirissalgado6689]

Larry David Yeah that drug won't ever leave him.Poor dude.I like him all drugged up anyway.

[@CamWooster]

He probably meant 1/8 of a mile so like a half a lap on a standard track

[@Fanuc_Operator1990]

This aint the heroin joke type of crowd but he killed that somehow. Started off rocky but nailed it at the end.

[@AxelCross]

fr fr dude has balls of steel to keep pushing this bit to the end and winds up making it work somehow?????? lmfao hes a real one

[@Cantbuyathrill]

I would like to think that it all went swimmingly thanks in no small part to good-hearted Conan. What a stand-up guy he was.

[@DannySullivanMusic]

agreed dude. precisely spot on.

[@decaomoral]

"...just as a goof..." lol

[@ryandickerson9699]

André Gonçalves'' when you're right, you're right, man.

[@chronicillz1879]

after all he's been thru he still hasn't lost his sense of humor which is what matters most

[@toddjohnson566]

Man, You can tell that Artie's really just a good-hearted guy with demons. He gets treated like the kicked puppy of Hollywood, everyone feels bad for him.

[@scottsycamore478]

We know his name because he is a talented man. Respect.

[@dentharvey6795]

You can tell Conan is a big Artie fan himself. They both crack me up.

[@cypher787]

"as a goof, just try heroin" HAHAHAHA!

[@bezzarguy]

That may be the funniest bit about heroin ever. And Artie's right, running is nothing like heroin.

[@secret222]

Mr. G. How's addiction going?

[@randomCoolGuy]

secret222 he's dead

[@michaelniel7523]

Whoa,,, be nice. Pray for the guy.

[@FreethinkingSecularist]

Read his books. They will make you laugh your ass off and tear up. That is if you liked his heroin jokes.

[@Minnesota7792]

Start doing nice things not funny.

[@nelq415]

You can tell the amount of respect Nick has for Artie just by the way he looks at him... Love them both.

[@BillySotherden]

...you serious?

[@daletennant6047]

"can I borrow $20 bucks"? No...I gotta run! Hilarious

[@Cantbuyathrill]

"No, I gotta run" That is pure genius.

[@ncdfan]

I like his cough-laugh.

[@thetacoguyy]

420 Likes B)

[@mikeyt2404]

Thatd be from high cholesterol

[@THESNEAKERADDICT]

Dude is hilarious

[@southweststrangla420]

damn artie has some of the most oddly interesting stories ever.

[@keithwelch2137]

southweststrangla420 best part is that he embellishes like 70 percent of the story every time.

[@-Twotonepony-]

southweststrangla420 You can replace "some" with "roughly 5 or 6"

[@Signals_Jerry]

Keith Welch it's called a joke.

[@connormccormack7953]

Watch his interview on Gilbert Gottfried’s podcast, the guy’s a masterclass of talent.

[@jf5618]

Love Artie and Nick has the “I’ve heard this 20x look”

[@dotChrollo]

Artie's sober nowadays and it makes me so proud! He's been doing great, here's hoping he keeps it up

[@khakimzhanmiras]

The audience laughing like they all on a first name basis with heroin.

[@exhalesolutions]

Miras Khakimzhan yeah you can’t be amused by him, genuinely, without having done heroine. sharp eye.

[@khakimzhanmiras]

Mai Nyigguh don’t get paid = can’t buy that sweet sweet smack

[@callumosullivan7546]

resIPSA 🙄

[@jtmmmm27]

Is it some kind of inside joke I’m not getting? ( I mean your comment)

[@dwad3ify]

Miras Khakimzhan *China white. Smack is what they mix with Nesquik and push on the streets

[@adtballoon]

This bit is gold!

[@MorrowSind]

He's a brilliant comedian! You got to love Artie Lang.

[@KevMac58]

From all the people friend's i know who have passed an all the negativity from heroin in the last 10 years it's so relieving to laugh when talking about it... Thank you very much for doing this you guys. I mean it.!!!

[@edwarddurden2656]

Being dope sick. Then doing heroin cannot be put into words. From feeling worst feeling you have ever felt to an indescribable nirvana in 8 seconds.

[@tommyhallum4207]

yes I agree 100% but from my personal experience and from people that I've been associated with the best case scenario is you will get stuck in that death Circle of just running from withdrawals and trying to get a fix and then one day you'll wake up and 15-20 years have passed and at that point it's been years since you've even gotten high and you just end up spending your day trying to get a hit just to feel normal for a few hours and then you're right back in that Circle again. And that's the best-case scenario because honestly most of the friends I had 10-15 years ago are dead. A couple more are in prison and one or two of them are still around. As soon as you get hooked on that stuff it's like you have set a time bomb on your soul. Good luck. life's too short

[@PROUDTOBEANAMERICAN55]

Edward Durden ever notice it feels much better once u detox and then take it .

[@kiryuchan860]

Feel every sick cell of your being being washed over by relief and ecstacy...it's what keeps you hooked. Nearly 2 years clean of opioid addiction for me

[@TWOhype23]

jpreston211 That could literally be anything 🤷🏼‍♂️

[@horsecorpse]

@@TWOhype23 hahaha totally

[@MrKravonGill]

timing is perfect

[@vai82]

I wish Conan kept that haircut with the sideburns.

[@kevtruth]

This was so darn funny, especially the ending

[@AaronBowley]

Just one of the funniest people ever

[@sigmiami]

Arty is funny as hell, The Stern show is incomplete without him in my opinion - I know he was very angry in the past with that shit in his system, Hope he stays off that shit and keeps his brand of humor going....

[@_2_first_names]

so true....it isnt the same without artie on stern...his stories alone are the best, he was perfect on the stern show

[@JazGalaxy]

I think he seems like a nice guy, but I'm not really a fan of his brand of humor. It seems TOO self deprecating. I'm not really interested in listening to a guy who REALLY loathes himself get up on stage and make jokes about how awful he is.

[@sigmiami]

absolutely

[@_2_first_names]

JazGalaxy i get that completely....but i think as a comedian its like there type of therapy so if hes off the drugs and getting himself together then im happy its working for him....it still sucks i cant hear his great stories on stern and the way howard and artie would go back and forth, it was classic banter, i miss it!

[@KevMac58]

It's apsolotlly great that after going through pain pills / heroin addiction an coming out of it alive an happy an joking about it is,to me,awesome. I came out of it after 13 years an joke an laugh all the time... It's good to show people that you can be happy again. . Keep it up guys love it...KevMac

[@Skudgeboy]

GREAT to see Artie alive and well!!

[@Yellowshirtmann]

"You were right man, can I borrow 20 bucks?" he never ran again LOL

[@perks6292]

I stopped in the middle of my third squat thrust to go "ooh"

[@user-ej2xz3lx2e]

Conan: we've known you for a long time. Artie: we have.

[@tommy2pieceya734]

Artie is so underrated, he is one of the funniest people on the planet, just say'n...

[@JarthenGreenmeadow]

"As a goof....try heroin" Artie is a real one xD

[@pettypettywoodchuck2]

What was Conan's hair doing here?

[@stndrds79]

he just neesd a haircut

[@keithwelch2137]

Snrub yeah I noticed that too lol, like unmanageable.

[@anthonymadril1210]

what it always does, the nasty.

[@KCurry]

He's like the real life Peter Griffin

[@joshfaille]

Damn. Never thought of that but you're kinda right.

[@Obsized.]

How?

[@whitewidow6749]

Wow I just noticed it

[@pksnides13]

Bobby k every fat guy with any sort of east coast accent is apparently peter Griffin lol

[@rhyolite_777]

@@pksnides13 Right? God, the internet is a dumb place to be too long.

[@WilliamEnclosure]

This is one of my favorite jokes... I listen to this every other day and get a genuine laugh... lol

[@dave1wood571]

i love how honest he is

[@tgproductions97]

If running felt like heroin, I’d run until my feet fell off.

[@nuq263]

"as a goof, just try heroin"

[@emanonymous]

2 of my fave comedians

[@MprLogistics]

Not scripted and absolutely hilarious.. good luck Artie!

[@JazGalaxy]

If artie lange ran 8 miles, then I will eat my nonexistent hat.

[@can0mark]

The fact that he thinks 8 miles is a plausible distance for him to be casually running illustrates that he probably hasnt passed that 20 feet mark yet.

[@stephaniemallea333]

Lol I was thinking the same thing as soon as I heard 8 miles I called bullshit aha

[@enkibumbu]

Runner's high can happen at 8 miles. It's hit and miss.

[@peterpetruzzi]

Did he say 8th mile or 1/8th mile lol

[@adamdesselle4176]

He said .35

[@sorencrisell9989]

I hate that this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on a talk show

[@scottsycamore478]

This is a brilliant bit that will never get the recognition it deserves.

[@Mgray187]

The, “nah I gotta run” gets me everytime 🤣

[@buyerofsorts]

And this is when Artie used to look good believe it or not.

[@cnam88]

He looks good now besides the nose now that hes clean

[@brego129]

Watch the new Joe Rogan podcast interview with Artie Lang. Much better.

[@miralabualjadail4206]

brego129 the one where his nose is fucked up?!

[@patrickgogan3517]

@@miralabualjadail4206 snorting glass the guys a madman

[@miralabualjadail4206]

Patrick Gogan its giving me nightmares honestly the way his face changed.

[@user-tf9xy9bh6i]

oh fuck that was awesome dude. I miss Artie so much on Stern :P Best time ever. So glad he's got a podcast now :) And damn, he has been looking so much better since his heroin days. More-so the past couple years than here, but man... He's such a great guy.

[@KikoJonesUSA]

Love this bit.

[@mynamesjeffhardly]

Sober Artie is funny too. Chill, the timing on his jokes are hilarious! Way to go Artie!

[@rhizzy3395]

"I used to look like Jeremy Piven. Now I look like Jeremy Piven's soul." 😂😂😂

[@MrSlanderer]

I remember a previous interview with Artie on Late Night with Conan, and how he was on a USO tour in Afghanistan, realizing that just over the mountain on the horizon, was the cleanest heroin in the world. Rumour was, Conan banned him for awhile...

[@OfficialRedux]

holy man, never saw this guy before. absolutely brilliant humour.

[@mikemartin8088]

Still love Artie in 2021!!!

[@tommyers]

Artie started off his career looking like John Belushi. Now he looks like Jon Polito.

[@dk2853]

It doesn't feel exactly like heroin, but running for over 30 minutes, does indeed make you feel really good. And after the run and a shower, you feel even better! Exercise is a great way to stay sober.

[@novelaego2404]

eh

[@allosaurusfragilis7782]

I was given quite a lot of dia morphine in hospital, after a bad road accident. Some people i spoke to in the place had bad experiences with it but i have to say, i found it absolutely sublime. Theres zero doubt in my mind that id be addicted to it, if they hadnt switched me over to something else. All drugs effects dwindle after continued use, which is why people often end up overdosing. Quite easy to do.

[@slycse7en]

Such a great story teller

[@nickclark18]

artie should be a stand up comedian. who obviously sits down

[@andrew8337]

As a former addict, it’s kinda true. You have to be clean for a while like over a year to where your brain chemicals reset to normal and get in shape, but once you can really run for a long time and break through to your second wind the feeling you get is euphoric on the same level. I would say try biking first if running is too hard because you can get good at it faster than running imo

[@assmane999]

I was always skeptical about the runners high thing but I actually experienced it first hand 13 years ago and it was really intense.

[@novelaego2404]

nah

[@davidmays7102]

ive done both and running is a great way to get off junk and even though y do get a runners high, it doesn't compare to dope itself but exercise is the absolute best way of beating junk

[@jimruthless]

I love Artie, true genious.

[@FoodforThought12345678dsds]

Why is Artie hiding a bowling ball in his t-shirt? I don't understand

[@Balthazar2242]

I think the "runner's high" is a totally different type of high all together. Idk why they paint it as an actual high. I don't think running will ever really "feel good", but it feels good in a different sense.

[@cstubbssubs7746]

Steven Bowser it feels good when you're done. running itself hurts

[@Balthazar2242]

CStubbsSubs Yea that's a better way of putting it. I wouldn't get someone's hopes up by saying it's going to "feel good" while you're running. But it definitely feels good to _have done_ it in the past.

[@nathanielking6280]

I disagree. You have to run upwards of 40-mile weeks to be in the realm of attaining a runners high. I've had it multiple time and its a complete euphoria and all you wanna do is run faster and forever.

[@Balthazar2242]

That is so much that I still wouldn't promise it to anyone. I would say that maybe if you become the type of person who runs a LOT, THEN maybe you can get that high. But it's going to be VERY hard at first.

[@jeremyblaber424]

Steven Bowser it’s a joke dude.

[@jansafar5371]

Love this

[@epictnt]

"Nah, I gotta run..." Artie wrapped that up CLEAN!...

[@matthewjonesy3879]

I was in one of those rehabs with him once. Lived in the next room.

[@MicahPotts]

Really? Id like to know more please

[@Ablequerq]

Sure you did.

[@matthewjonesy3879]

Ablequerq silver hill in Connecticut. 2010 I believe. We were both in the main house.

[@ottowes]

Artie really has that John Belushi aura about him, but I truly hope that he'll be around a long, long time.

[@BobDylanfan]

Great bit

[@dylanwaters6423]

great bit

[@tomitstube]

artie; "the kid was right, running gave me an incredible high, like heroin." paramedic; "you've just had a heart attack sir, you shouldn't have been running in your condition."

[@blee3205]

i was actually really really impressed with that comedy bit. i didnt know artie was nearly that funny.

[@davids736]

"No, I gotta run...." 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Zeel555]

I like it how he's not even in the main guest seat. Like he's talking over somebody the whole time lol

[@DarkSkies72]

I miss Conan’s show.

[@smalltowninnewmexico]

anyone watching this after the latest Rogan podcast? damn, Artie looks healthy now

[@runeplate123]

I put it in rogans moment to come here since Rogan interrupted arties joke

[@Niko-px3dy]

Very nice. I didn't see it coming

[@roflsauceinator]

Well said

[@ericsierra-franco7802]

Artie's wearing a Villanova shirt.

[@tyzorg]

"Hey GAR, its Art... I'm not feeling so hot today..."

[@nattenshora]

can't stop watching this clip

[@andersonsmith979]

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Mr. Lange here. I've had a few intoxicants in my young life-nothing as hard as heroin-and I also "run" as part of my weekly workout routine but I've NEVER felt same way I did after taking X at a club, when I've finished slogging through 5ks on the treadmill or in the park. :D

[@jayc3479]

Nick has that "This guy is clearly funnier than me and I resent it " look on his face, barely a laugh while everyone else is cracking up! 😂

[@BBD-AITB]

I don't think Nick can help it. He was cursed with resting resentful face.

[@sadsadasdsadasdsadas]

Or maybe they are acquaintance or friends and he has already heard the joke a time or two.

[@BBD-AITB]

@@sadsadasdsadasdsadas very good point. Artie does this bit on stage and they both regularly work the same clubs in New York so Nick has probably heard it a lot.

[@1manorgy]

Hah, I like this guy. Why didn't anyone tell me about this guy?

[@teeds88]

ikr? this literally _never_ appeared in my suggested videos (until just now), even though i'm watching tons of Conan regularly

[@cuttingedge3701]

This is the infamous artie lange! Very popular from the Howard Stern show, which he was on from 2001-2008. I have a pretty popular video on my profile with some highlights on Artie Lange, you may really enjoy it! He's a different type of comedian, they don't make em like him anymore.

[@porkwoofles3909]

Check out the movie "Dirty Work" if you've not seen it yet ;)

[@mistervanderveer]

You should *definitely* try and track down the back catalog of Artie Langs era on the Howard Stern Show. His fights with Eric the Midget (rip), Crazy Alice, his heroin antics, nodding off live on air, his Iron Sheikh impression.. Dear god, you're in for a ride.

[@ibieiniid4240]

Beer League was dope too. No pun intended.

[@Dukefrukem]

I miss Artie so god damn much on the Howard Stern Show. That show desperately needs him. DESPERATELY! Love you Artie.

[@guinnessharvey4476]

This guy cracks me up:)

[@muaythai193]

JRE with him was better. Love the long talk format.

[@strawberrykicker2]

Is this guy Dan Harmon when he's not on heroin?

[@galleryofrogues]

They do look similar

[@jaketammaro1087]

Rockin that Nova shirt. Nice

[@prodevus]

“Nah I gotta run” This story is a masterpiece