Asperger's Syndrome Vlog - Suicidal Thoughts & High-Functioning Autism

[@Kivalt]

I have thought regularly about dying or simply not existing since I was a child. I've never felt confortable being alive, I don't connect with anyone, I can't keep a job and every possible romantic partner finds me too weird, which I am. The obsessions occupy my mind most of the time no matter how impossible to put in practice some of them are. The perspectives don't seem too different in other people with Asperger's I've met in person. I'm not at all surprised that the suicidal ideation is so high for us.

[@mandyslittlelife]

+Kivalt Yeah, life can be a suckfest for us sometimes, that is for sure.

[@4TheRecord]

I think about suicide almost every day. There are a few days in the year when I am happy but those are rare days. The cause of my depression comes from many places. First I am depressed because I struggle to communicate with people and hence have no friends where I live. The only friends I have are thousands of miles away but even with these friends I struggle to feel a connection. The other part of my depression is down to a woman I fell in love with over 10 years ago. She is married now with children and I had not seen her for at least 5 years yet every day I always find myself thinking about her. I've tried a lot not to think about her. She represents my biggest failure in life and I can't ever forgive myself for not being able to be the one for her because of this condition. She was the last woman I kissed and even that was a failure. For me suicide seems the most logical action but what stops me is the pain it would cause my parents and the chance that I could mess it up so that it doesn't work and I end up surviving. Then that would be just another failure to add to the long list.

[@mandyslittlelife]

+Tzimnewman3 Wow, I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. I truly hope things get better for you. I am glad that you do think of the pain you would cause your loved ones if you did something rash and I hope you do not do anything to hurt yourself. Sometimes every day you can make it through truly is a victory. During the times when you are at your worst, just try to set your mind to make it through this day.

[@4TheRecord]

Thank you

[@monogramadikt5971]

i finished my last job on december the 8th last year, i havent had any social interaction since and only leave my apartment once a week to go to the shops for food etc, im at the point where ive given up on having friends or any type of real relationship, im not sure what life has to offer me anymore. i dont have the energy to keep pretending to be something im not in order to fit in anymore

[@mandyslittlelife]

Aw, I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much. I can empathize. Hang in there.

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

It’s usually to fit in with horrible people as well. I would like to meet other people with Aspergers . I think that would help. I think we aren’t as mean as a lot of neurotypicals tend to be.

[@Eruptor1000]

Sometimes I think of it as well to just blow my brains out just to get back at all those people that treat me bad and get a end to this misery it is annoying how all those beautiful things neurotypical people take for granted.

[@coconutdoggies1052]

LionRS2014 the real way to get back at those people is to live your life and not let them effect you. because otherwise in a way they win by destroying your life. your in charge of your life take back the steering wheel and aim high just to show all those bullies that you're better than they could ever be!!! 🙌💪💞💕

[@Eruptor1000]

Daily Splits Or I let them win. And they suffer

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

My fear is that those people wouldn’t care at all and would make fun of me even after I die. The best thing to do is to live better than them and be happy someday. The mean people don’t want you to be happy. So you need to get to a place in life where you do what you enjoy and them say “f you”. My favorite thing to do is quit from a toxic work environment. Problem is you have to go through job interviews again.

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

I am not surprised, because I have these thoughts all day everyday it’s because of how we’re treated or perceived. This is my experience. People don’t care about me. They are usually quite mean. I think it’s because in America, sociopaths are rewarded (and make friends easily), whereas people with Aspergers are punished for just existing.

[@mandyslittlelife]

Can't argue with you much there. It does seem like sociopaths are often rewarded in this f-d up culture. And we Aspies just seem to fall through the cracks if we aren't troublesome, and end up mistreated if we are troublesome.

[@adrianmargean3402]

Same for me.

[@TheFrequency]

The Asperger's House idea sounds very intriguing... Almost like a self-sustaining community of people with Asperger's helping each other out. Would there be a feasible way of getting that idea off the ground and creating loving homes for us?

[@mandyslittlelife]

I don't know. I do like the idea, but I'm not exactly the best at managing projects like that lol. I'm much more of a detail person than an overall picture person. It would be hard for me to focus on so many things at once if I tried to run something like that :( Probably true for many Aspies.

[@Tadesan]

I find I am too exhausted to have executive functioning.

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

I also want there to be a study of LSD on Aspergers. I have never tried it but would like to see my brain do something different that may help relieve my constant stress.

[@sarahgibbons9737]

I found this video 5 years after you filmed it. Thank you for helping me through tonight. It felt very comforting to know I'm not alone. I like your idea of not living alone and I got enthusiastic for a few minutes thinking I could set something like that up.

[@mandyslittlelife]

I hope you are able to find a situation like that. I'm glad I could comfort you at a bad time. I've been really struggling with depression lately too, so I feel you ♥

[@voiceofreason2691]

TaIking to someone (who cares of course) is aIways a good first step♥️

[@coconutdoggies1052]

thank you for covering this topic 😊 I'm a young female adult struggling at the moment to understand my high functioning autism but a lot of what you went over I can relate to 😀

[@mandyslittlelife]

Aw thanks, I do vlog videos like this more on my "Spiritual Agnostic" channel now. Hope you will check it out!

[@octoberdawn1087]

Yup. I have to journal my intrusive and suicidal thoughts to get them out of my head.

[@mandyslittlelife]

It does help a surprising amount!

[@sciencetroll3208]

I totally agree about the need for some alternative form of accommodation. I actually dream about such places.

[@mandyslittlelife]

It sure would be nice! Most "serious" vlogging vids like this I mostly post on my second channel "Spiritual Agnostic", so feel free to check that out if you want!

[@joelwilliams3115]

i think about suicide every single day but i've never had genuine intent. Usually i think of my dad and how much it would hurt him if i took my life. I do think of how i could 'get to suicide' and usually think of myself as a coward for not trying it. I see my life as most likely to end via suicide. But idk, i don't know anything about whats really going on with myself

[@mandyslittlelife]

I'm sorry you struggle with these thoughts too. I'm glad you have your dad to keep you here. You are definitely NOT a coward for not trying suicide, you are quite brave to wake up each day and fight on!

[@mesholberatsonallibi]

I find it so hard to connect whith other people most the time I don’t even have the energy to talk and try whith them

[@jonbowzy511]

I would say it's because were more isolated and dont get to experience life like normal humans because if social difficulties so we get isolated lonely which leads to less support in life and depression.

[@mandyslittlelife]

Definitely big contributors!

[@mewmewpets]

Thanks. Before I listened to your video, it didn't really pass through that there is no help for adults. This kind of makes me sad. Sometimes I wonder if the world wouldn't be better off without me. I want to get stronger and I am getting stronger, but every day I see how long the road is and how slowly I go forward. It feels like a full-full-time job. I wonder how far I'll be in a few years.

[@mandyslittlelife]

Yeah, it is all rough :( I do have a second channel now where I talk about serious stuff like this since I had so many kids watching this channel. Check it out if you want: kzbin.info/door/-hMlfrA7cMlJnWP5l60K9g

[@MrErb4life]

As an Aspergers person, I struggle with this. But yes, I DO have Suicidal Thoughts as well, thinking that will make everyone happy in this world. ON THE OTHER HALF it maynot suit well with others. I even make FaceBook post about wanting to Hang Myself, because nobody cares, to even not keep a girlfriend, or had bad luck communicating with people in a SOCIAL ISOLATION way. I guess with in person now is okay, but that's not the true self appearance on the outside. Even though you could see me smile and all, but that doesn't mean I have an EASY LIFE. And who knows what's going on in everybody else's life too. Now as an Adult, I still feel as though Independent Living, might be great for those on the spectrum. Where I live, they don't provide that kind of stuff, because the level of ASD is so low and the level of Neuros is high. At the same time, Suicidal thoughts to me, doesn't trigger it at first from some stranger, cause I don't know these people. If it was friends who act like they got your back, when all they did was stab it. yeah. Cyber Bullying can also link to that, but you can REPORT IT, and the Social Media help desk be covering it up in that department. and it goes on and on. I'm pretty input on my comments.

[@davegunner49]

Would love to live in an Autistic community like others mentioned as well here. In Switzerland alone, which is a small country, there are over 80'000 people living with some form of Autism and over 300'000 with AD(H)D. Actually, there are many awesome and inspirational people with Autism. Bob Dylan, M. Monroe, M. Jackson and many others. For me everybody with Autism posting videos on KZbin is an inspiration. Many Autistic people have a level of enthusiasm, kindness and ethics which cannot be matched by any NT. Don't lose hope!

[@mandyslittlelife]

I agree, autistic communities would be great. I wish that there were more independent living type places for those with high functioning autism. If something ever happened to my husband, somewhere like that is where I'd prefer to live I think, as long as those running it are not total jerks.

[@davegunner49]

@@mandyslittlelife That would be really awesome. In many ways people with Asperger's/HFA have it the worst because society basically expects normal functioning in all aspects of life despite our handicaps. Maybe placing an ad searching for Aspies for a private living arrangement would work as well. 2.7% of males having Autism is such a high number. In every city there must be a lot of lonely souls.

[@mandyslittlelife]

Yeah, not a bad idea on the roommate thing either. And at least you know they would likely respect your privacy and need for space!

[@Peter-GG]

Thanks for your thoughts. I think having an underlying social "network" is so important for helping alleviate suicidal thoughts in people with Aspergers. In my own case (which I know is not rare for Aspies), I tend to concentrate all my social energies into a very few, very strong, relationships, while I can be pretty indifferent about maintaining other sorts of acquiantances. But if/when something bad happens to these few, what's left? Some people do have really supportive families, churches, or other groups, but you're right that more is often needed. Obviously there are Aspergers support/community groups in many areas, but these also vary. No matter what's available, though, I think the biggest challenge is getting people with Aspergers to join up with these support systems and make them a part of our lives before we "really" need them in cases of sudden change.

[@mandyslittlelife]

Landon Gavin So very true! Sorry I didn't see your comment till now, my KZbin account have been a little wonky lately for some reason.

[@AlterFunKtion]

I searched this bc today got a little twisted in my head. I feel like i am neurologically incapable of standing up for myself and that nobody has the patience or the understanding to accommodate me, nor would i ever demand that from them.. I work in hard manual labor and i have such a hard time getting respect bc i seem so incompetent. Everyday is just another embarrassment. Idk, im worried that its going to happen and that it might be kind of a relief for some who feel like they have to put up w me. If i could just get payed to make art then i wpuld be fine, but thats not going to happen anytime soon, and i fear not soon enough. I dream of isolation and lonelyness bc its better than having to deal with these normies who just make everything feel unnecessarily complex for me.

[@mandyslittlelife]

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I can relate to what you are feeling so so much. I have often felt very incompetent in the workplace, even though my IQ is quite high. It is torture in some ways to know that you are actually intellectually more intelligent than most of those surrounding you, and yet you still struggle to do the simple social and everyday practical tasks they seem to achieve with ease. I would often get through the workday by dreaming about the day I would finally be a writer and not have to work anymore. Funny thing is that eventually I came to make more money off my art than my writing, but I still don't make enough off either to live off of. I do get SSDI now, but only a small amount, so if my husband didn't help support me I don't know what I would do. This world just doesn't seem to have been made for some of us :( Hang in there. I would hate to lose your talents just because this world is based upon such a ridiculous merit system.

[@AlterFunKtion]

@@mandyslittlelife thank you for the response. It helps me get through.

[@mandyslittlelife]

@@AlterFunKtion I'm glad I could help at all. Wish I could do more.

[@thescenesters1553]

I have moderate Autism and have no resources. No family. No friends. Autism Society and TEACCH have not helped me. An Autism Specialist told me, "You'll figure it out" And that assumption is the problem. Having a great memory does not mean I know how to make friends. That's not high-functioning. The Autism Specialists I know don't even know what Autism is and say things like, "everyone is different so I can't answer your question" They patronize you with phrases like, "Oh don't you worry about that" I am asking you if you know of any resources for Autism. I am not being treated like a human being. And I've done everything I can in my power. Thanks

[@mandyslittlelife]

I am so sorry that you are going through all that and being treated like that. Unfortunately, I haven't had better luck when I've reached out to Autism resources here in my area. It took me forever to even find someone who would diagnose adults, and I've reached out to several autism/developmental disabilities agencies in the area with important questions and often been ignored or like you, assumed to be high-functioning and therefore, not really in need of help. The system is so messed up and broken. Please let me know if you do find help and through whom, maybe it can help others.

[@ksthoughtpalace3042]

I'm glad I found this...I just made my own Suicide Series of vids on this, but now in 2017. Thankfully there are others out there, like you, who are trying to bring this to the general population's attention.

[@mandyslittlelife]

aw thanks so much for the encouragement!

[@mesholberatsonallibi]

I’m so sorry u have struggled like that 💖I’m autistic too and I relate

[@mandyslittlelife]

By the way, Maud Pie is my favorite character from MLP :)

[@mmkkad]

1:07 and what with the people with Asperger's AND psychotic illness? Well, in the first book I've ever read about Asperger's Syndrome (that book was written in previous millennium) it was mentioned very high ratio of suicides in the population of people with this illness - above 10%.

[@mmkkad]

+Maranda's Toys & Books What I have had on mind - that psychotic illness in ppl with ASD may remain unnoticed (until e.x. they kill themselves; but it will be just an external symptom of "something being wrong" - it won't be probably treated as a symptom of psychotic illness. They will say: "He killed himself because he had autism" or "He killed himself because he had autism and suffered depression" or just: "He killed himself because he was fucked up".) so it won't be counted into statistics.

[@mandyslittlelife]

mmkkad You are probably right. I know that often Asperger's and certain psychotic illnesses are misdiagnosed for one another, so I'm sure it is easy to miss if you have more than one condition.

[@aceofsqades8851]

found this video way too late but this was so relatable and explained how I feel

[@mandyslittlelife]

Hugs. Glad you found it helpful.

[@voiceofreason2691]

lt is *never* too Iate to find and watch a good reIatabIe video❤️

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

Does anyone who has a partner date other Aspies? Do you think it works better as a relationship? I was in a relationship with someone (neurotypical), but they grew tired of me and stopped understanding me. After my diagnosis, they detached more from me. I think they just don’t believe my struggles are real.

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

I also work with a sociopath (our common enemy) and it’s a nightmare. She has everyone on her side because she befriends them and bad mouths others to them. I literally was made fun of by her in front of my boss. Nothing was done. She gaslit like hell. I can’t take it anymore. I’m so tired of mean people treating us like a virus to get rid of.

[@mandyslittlelife]

My husband isn't diagnosed, but I really think he is autistic. I personally think that it can be good for two aspies to be together. I think they would understand each other in a way that neurotypicals would not. However, your autistic traits can also sometimes play against each other in the relationship.

[@rick3747]

Wonderful video. Thanks.

[@mandyslittlelife]

Glad you liked it.

[@MichelleTorez]

I hope your okay. I've been through abuse and trauma in my life and am a published author/motivational life coach. I write inspirational selfhelp books and do coaching. On my channel are inspiring advice videos. Maybe one of these videos can inspire you. I send good spirits to you. Never give up. Michelle.😊

[@mandyslittlelife]

Aw thanks so much! I'll try to check out your channel. I post more mature vids like this on my second channel now, feel free to check it out if you want: kzbin.info/door/-hMlfrA7cMlJnWP5l60K9g

[@filipea.2248]

A friend of mine killed himself just a few days ago. He had asperger's, depression and addiction to alcohol and meds. I feel helpless now as nobody could stop his self destructive behaviour. He had nobody in his life really, just a few friends. It is shocking as he planned everything. Deleted his online accounts like facebook, quit his job, flew back home and died in his mother's house, in his old room. I don't know what triggered it, but i'm sure he was deeply sad and depressed. It's a sad thing and I wish I had done something.

[@mandyslittlelife]

+Filipe António Wow, I'm so sorry that happened! I know it is easy to blame yourself in a situation like that, but I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He sounds a lot like my sister and even though I tried to intervene again and again on her behalf, she still took her own life. I think in some cases, if someone is determined to end their life, there isn't much you can do to stop them. I know drug/alcohol addiction makes it a million times harder to save someone too (my sister was also addicted to alcohol and meds).

[@filipea.2248]

+Maranda Russell Thank you. I'm very sorry for your sister as well. Truth is I am in part guilty of this. I was his friend. We worked together in Malta (Europe) in the same company. Then I moved to Germany and we kept in touch. Used to chat with the guy about random stuff, give him advices, and he visited me there twice. In one of the times it was a nightmare, he arrived completely drunk, behaved very poorly. Then it was just a sucession of shutdowns once he was sober. He was useless, just looking down and completely apathetic. He didn't interact with us during the entire trip. Then I moved back to Malta, stayed at his place for 2 weeks while I was looking for a flat. Saw his room once and it was like a dumpster and he would stay there all day. His bath wasn't cleaned for months if not more than a yer and I had to clean it. No matter how many advices I would give him about simple things, he wouldn't do it. And would find weird solutions for his problems. He didn't knew how to take care of himself. At some point, when he started with cocain and the alcohol problem got worse I quit on him. We stopped chatting and going out. He was a complete mess and I was tired of trying to help. Now I know what his problem was and how much help he needed. Now I know how much asperger's, depression and suicide are related. And now it's too late.

[@mandyslittlelife]

+Filipe António It sounds like you really tried the best you knew how at the time, with the information you had then. I know now that I made mistakes when trying to help my sister too and there were times I got fed up with trying to save her from herself constantly. Hindsight really is 20/20 and it is hard to see after something terrible has happened that maybe you weren't seeing a situation clearly when it was happening. As someone with Asperger's, I really see a need for programs to help us because many of us do struggle to take care of ourselves or successfully fulfill everyday responsibilities. It really is sad because many of us are extremely intelligent and gifted in some ways, but terribly lacking in other areas. Many times I think we kind of "fall through the cracks" when it comes to getting help with the things we need. No one person is at fault though, we just need a more supportive system overall.

[@filipea.2248]

+Maranda Russell I agree, with my friend it was the same thing. Very inteligent, chess champion and all, and clueless regarding simple things. I too want to help with awareness about asperger's. It's so true that he fell throught the cracks, oh my gosh.

[@mandyslittlelife]

+Filipe António Yeah, Aspies in general often seem to have greater intellectual or creative intelligence but struggle with practical intelligence or "street smarts".

[@hidinginmyroom2656]

i am hfa i am 15 and ive tried to kill myself when i was 12 i am so down and suicidal i dont go to school and i only go out once a week to buy food with my mum,my sister is in care and i am so lonely everyday...

[@hidinginmyroom2656]

Hi ,you are so sweet thank you for being so nice to me...I don't get to talk to many people because of my anxiety so when people are mean to me online I feel even worse.Yeah I am hf aspergers ,It's not nice atall to be so different since you are 22 I understand you've suffered from this for a long time,we can relate to each-other so much,and you are so kind,thank you so much x

[@mandyslittlelife]

Thanks so much for watching my video. I've been sick the last few days, so haven't been on here much, but I'm really sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now :( I really do understand where you are coming from. By the way, any "adult" themed vlog videos I now do on my new "Spiritual Agnostic" channel. Hope you will check it out!

[@milotickz]

I was having thoughts of suicide when I withdrew from Lexapro. Felt painful.

[@mandyslittlelife]

I'm sorry to hear that! I know that can happen with some meds.

[@j.bailey5619]

lmao ppl saying that it's bc we're more honest... dude try being autistic for a day.... having ASD in society is like a literal series of unfortunate events

[@mandyslittlelife]

Sometimes it does feel that way. NT's won't ever really get it I'm afraid.

[@davegunner49]

People with Aspergers do not enter this world as depressed people. Most of us are kind, hard-working, enthusiastic people, have beautiful souls and special talents. However, having no sensory filter and constantly being bashed by NT's and having to live in their society bring us down. Most NT's are just judgemental, mean and shallow dushbags. Actually, I do not want to become one of them at all even if life would be way easier for me. I find them boring, heartless and like generic robots of society. On the other hand, I do not like living in an NT word as an Autistic person either which puts me in a place of rather not being here at all if you get the point. Naturally, I would be a kind, funny and good person. But as soon as I leave the house and I see NT faces it's like they are sucking all of my life energy out of me.

[@mandyslittlelife]

I feel you. Bullying by NT's has had a HUGE effect on me and caused me no end of social anxiety.

[@rick3747]

A+ Spot on brother.

[@jenniferr9624]

I think many people in this world are energy vampires. I have never been officially diagnosed with Aspergers, but a therapist suggested it. Society will never accept me so I stay in my own world. Once my parents are gone, I have my suicide planned. Life has been a cruel burden.

[@josephwhigham3490]

My mom doesn’t understand I feel like a alien

[@mandyslittlelife]

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that.

[@josephwhigham3490]

@@mandyslittlelife it’s okay I’ll never kill myself, but I am getting help just don’t know when I’m scheduled to see someone. Who knows may be months. I opened up to her and that day I told her it feels like my mind attacks me and I want to scream all the time she acted like I said nothing that day.

[@tourlovetv3035]

Very informative and helpful video!

[@mandyslittlelife]

Thank you! Glad you liked it!

[@BjorkBrex]

This is the 6th time I'm watching this video. I constantly think about not existing. I would never take my life, but I just wish there was a button I could press, and then I'd just *poof* vaporize..

[@mandyslittlelife]

I feel you. I've often felt the same way. I'm hope my video has helped you or made you feel less alone.

[@lavenderamethyst5111]

I can relate to all of this.

[@mandyslittlelife]

hugs

[@Jamiegilman81]

Please help me first time watching your video my jigsaw puzzle pieces feel like falling apart I've been self harming for a week now & felt about suicide & overdose myself few times your video is very touching I'm 36 struggling with autism & wanting to end life

[@mandyslittlelife]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. I wish I could help more. The best advice I can probably give is to just hang on and try to make it through today. And repeat each day until you feel better. There have been many, many times I was tempted to give in to suicidal urges but I'm so glad I haven't. I hope I never do. Find things that comfort you, whether it be weighted blankets, tv/movies/books, music, baths, nature, etc and make sure you treat yourself to those things. Get lost in fantasy if you need to. I know I've gotten through many tough times by getting lost in a fantasy world.

[@OlivaSullen]

I'm really starting to wonder if I have aspergers and this video made me think it even more

[@mandyslittlelife]

I hope you get answers ♥ I'm glad I could help in any way.

[@coleallen3895]

I almost lost my life last December to suicide and I wish I had people like you in my life

[@mandyslittlelife]

I'm so sorry to hear that you were driven to such a dark place. I wish everyone had supportive people in their lives, but sadly, it seems to be becoming more and more of a rarity in today's society.

[@n.c.6211]

Thank you for this. A psychopath within the family is another reason.

[@mandyslittlelife]

Definitely lol! I grew up with a dark triad mother, so I understand!

[@n.c.6211]

@@mandyslittlelife Same!

[@barbramorgan4467]

Thank you

[@jackrs2299]

I am not surprised people with aspie live in a very social world and people with aspie struggle to fit In And can't communicate easy and that is what leads to depression and that leads to suicide

[@mandyslittlelife]

+Jack RS It is a rough cycle.

[@jackrs2299]

I suffer from it

[@Glyth1]

+Jack RS i wish i had the courage to suicide, im 34 with aspie no love no friends

[@Eruptor1000]

+Glyth1 I have no friends just like you I can't fit in people treat me like shit

[@Glyth1]

come to nc n be my friend then so i have one i thought food was my only friend but dang it was a backstabber winston salem btw

[@bccron]

Exactly

[@Jotinko]

It least you're not alone because that's my top fear as well......being alone. Losing my: Mom, Sister, and Grandpa was already hard enough but if I didn't have my Dad and Grandma, I'd seriously consider Suicide. I love my: Cousins, Aunt and many Friends.. but my close Family are the most important people I would ever have in my entire life and if they both passed.. I'd see no hope in anything ever improving. A Girlfriend/Wife is out of the question because trying to hide my disability is exhausting and next to impossible. I know I'm being inauthentic but Men are suppose to be the providers and are suppose to be strong both mentally and physically as well as being confident.

[@mandyslittlelife]

I understand and sympathize. Like you, I only have 2 close living family members left, my mother and my husband. I depend on my husband more than on anyone else, so I don't know what I would do if something happened to him or we split up. The past year we had some marital issues and went to marital counseling and even just the thought that we might break up really sent me into a tailspin that I'm still struggling to get out of.

[@Jotinko]

@@mandyslittlelife I sympathize with the fear that you and your Husband might break up. I'm extremely loyal as I plan on leading by example as my Dad and both of my Grandfathers who were loyal and devoted family Men but I consider myself a handful at times and I wouldn't want to burden any potential Woman I may fall for so I just keep things casual and never express my true feelings. Showing my vulnerable side is something that scares me thus I keep it all inside......especially around Women.

[@Tacticalerth]

I have early schizophrenia My brother is nonverbal autistic. i tried sucide many time. Becuz i have problem with my family and have bad grades in school. My last hope was going back to my homeland (romania) from sweden which i couldnt do it I also i have love relationship with autistic girl in my school i also want hangout with her. now i am enjoying my time with studying and playing with my birds. Plus i am going to high school but i have to study extra years becuz i had bad grades. But i really want to work when i grow up.

[@mandyslittlelife]

I'm glad that you are still here with us. It sounds like you have made some healthy choices that have helped. I hope all your dreams come true!

[@Tacticalerth]

@@mandyslittlelife thank you

[@sbsman4998]

I am not surprised at all at the high rate of suicidal thoughts and indeed actual suicides. Since autism affects mostly males and males have much higher success rates, killing themselves and others apparently!, than females. Autistic people surely get the least sympathy than any disabled because we appear ok. A blind person gets all types of attention, but no one thinks about the stress of going to a party or any social gathering yet we get ragged on about not going. A person in a wheel chair is given tons of accommodations at all levels but if an autistic person complains about noise and lights at work, or gas powered blowers then the autistic is shunned and ignored, called complainers and whiners. People on the outside cannot understand what it is like having yourself as your main source of support, just you and your lonesome. This is a very hard life indeed, survivable only by the staunchest hero or a sainted acetic monk, or just an aging well adapted old bastard like me. Having no one to trust for good advice means the depressed autistic has no reason to stay, stay here on earth, for whom? Now this described state of mind is during the good times!! When life deals you a really bad hand ~~> poor health, lose your best loved one, loss of job, whatever...... then you go past the tipping point into desperation where only death can console you. ~~~ Listen, a single kind word from even a stranger can be enough to save your life ~~ you must reach out or buy a good dog ~~~

[@mandyslittlelife]

Very true. I think you hit the nail on the head. All of that is tragic and unfair but it is reality in this world :(

[@sbsman4998]

Thank you Maranda and yes it is tragic and maybe unfair but not necessarily reality. People not understanding or caring about autistics is unfair but so is the acidification of the oceans and loss of the coral reefs and ultimately us. To me, these tragedies have selfishly become an observed distant horror, whereas my inner reality is at peaceful wonder just being alive, sentient, virile, self-sufficient at very possibly during this, our extinction ~~ maybe. Autism has a role in this. I believe there are parts of our genome programmed from past near extinctions that trigger the birth of certain types of people either as a rescue for mankind (good luck!) or as observers, retaining the last insights from a dying culture.

[@coconutdoggies1052]

SBS man at first reading your comment I was annoyed for some reason in guess just the fact that you only spoke about how it effects guys the worst. I'm a young adult female with high functioning autism and let me just clear it up for you real quick its no pick nic for us either, we've got all the hormones the body image the expectations to be perfect. its enough to drive any women crazy, but with the autism it just amplifies every emotion and so ofter it just gets so intense like nothing I can explain. so trust me its ruff for both our side female and male. but as I kept reading I actually shed a tear you are so write a single word or kind gesture can indeed save a life. there's always someone to live for something to live for. I get stressed out because there's no sertain answer to what the meaning of life is and what happens after life. but I know that I would never want anyone else to take there life and for some reason just that knowledge helps save mine 💕 be kind to one another and maybe all the wars and hate will eventually stop 💔💖

[@sbsman4998]

Beautiful response and thanks. Autistic people need to be the kindest of anyone, because we know what it is like being on the outside and yes a simple smile or a compliment or ANY act of kindness can make or break someone's day and even save their life, yes, What I meant about males is that we are instinctively better at killing therefore have a higher success rate at suicides. Of course females suffer maybe more because males can be loners easier because females are more concerned with what the other girls think of them, I don't know of course.

[@jgballard9122]

Autism does not affect mostly males. It is just that males get diagnosed more frequently because we live in a patriarchal society where females and people of color with autism are constantly OVERLOOKED. Non-white, non-male, and non-binary autistics exist, probably in similar numbers as male autistics, some of us have to suffer in silence with no diagnosis simply because of our place in society, and the expectations/roles placed upon us. if you're a female-bodied autistic and fit conventional beauty standards, forget about receiving any help, because people see your outside appearance and think you're coping perfectly fine, assume that others are nice to you and that you're well-adjusted and popular, and everyone only thinks of awkward ugly nerdy white boys when they think autistic. That is so not the case. Beauty means nothing when allistic people see right through your so-called "high functioning" and refuse to be friends with you or treat you with disrespect because you're not the same as them. Sorry for the angry rant but I have always been an easy target for sexual violence from men because of my autism and yet everything panders to men in our society, even info about my own illness! I wonder how autistics can overcome molestation and sexual assault on top of all the other struggles like suicidal ideation. www.scientificamerican.com/article/autism-it-s-different-in-girls/

[@RyansColoradoRailProductions]

I have Aspergers and attempted suicide twice, 10 days apart. 12/3/17 and 12/13/17.

[@mandyslittlelife]

I'm very sorry to hear that but I'm glad that you are still here.

[@RyansColoradoRailProductions]

Albeit with a rush to the hospital and a 3 day stay in the hospital bed with a bunch of IV’s in my arms (because everyone was worried that I would harm myself or others)... that was hellish... and a lot of care and comfort from my friends and family. After that I decided to cancel my scheduled 12/19/17 attempt. Only reason I’m alive is that I don’t have access to a gun.

[@mandyslittlelife]

@@RyansColoradoRailProductions I often think it is a good thing I don't have access to a loaded gun during my darkest moments as well. The last couple days it is a good thing I don't have one around as I have been in a deep depression. From one survivor to another, I hope you keep hanging in there.

[@RyansColoradoRailProductions]

I won’t be literally “hanging” either, I’m many times better!

[@mandyslittlelife]

@@RyansColoradoRailProductions That's good. Hanging never sounded much fun. Or drowning - at least if you are conscious. I often thought if I could get a hold of some chloroform I could stand on the edge of a local raging dam, leaning slightly backwards and hopefully knock myself out with the chloroform, fall into the water and drown without ever feeling a thing.

[@mesholberatsonallibi]

During a meltdown a few days ago I whish Ed when I die (I believe in reincarnation) may I never exist may my life befor dying never exist and my lives after I’m so done my school is a thepruaitc school they decided the things I use to cope “arnt working” and said I can’t have wighted things,journal,communication cards or fidget toys during any breaks,that’s a part of the program taking breaks and every time I take a break I have to go to there empty room can’t go outside anymore I’m so alone I am waiting for an autism evualtion but there’s a wighting list and I’m so tired I just want to meet ppl like me 💖😭I’ve been bullied all my life and especially middle school kids were So SO mean to me 😭😭😭I don’t understand why I got hated on so much

[@mandyslittlelife]

I'm so sorry you are going through that. I hope they change their minds and allow you to have some of the comforting/anxiety reducing things you need. The other day I had a horrible day and I came home and laid under my weighted blanket and it made me feel so much better. I was bullied horribly in middle school too. To the point that I was terrified to go to school and genuinely afraid for my physical well-being. I used to go home and write poetry about my bullies dying because I was hurting so much.

[@Tadesan]

You aren't alone. You have more than I will ever have. Enjoy being married.

[@mandyslittlelife]

You are right. I am fortunate to have found someone. It doesn't cure depression and there are still times I struggle to even connect with him, so I still feel all alone and isolated, but I thank my lucky stars every day that I have somebody. I hope you find someone too. Honestly, had we not met online, I doubt my husband and I would have ever gotten together. We are both so socially anxious we never would have talked in person at first.

[@Eruptor1000]

Btw it's me jackRs

[@karma2236]

you seem totally normal to me

[@karma2236]

Get out of yourself. stop being so selfish. people need people to achieve happiness. we are pack animals