Attachment Styles And The 'Scarce Love Hypothesis'

5 Tools For Building A Healthy Relationship With Yourself: • 5 Tools For Building A...

[@jack76787]

The way it feels to me is that the possibility of love is abundant but the likelihood of love is REALLY scarce.

[@JK0nG]

I love the soup analogy. It ties things together perfectly in an easily explainable way. It’s not gross 😂

[@danceonyourtoes]

i wish heidi extended the analogy to fearful-avoidants. perhaps these people have some kind of internal insulin resistance to soup which makes them eat so much and not get full, then later vomiting the soup and not eating again for a while? they are also using a cup instead of a bowl? also they sometimes want a sandwich? lol

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Another good one. One of the stumbling blocks i have been noticing is tbe notion that A Relationship is going to Save Me. It raises the stakes even before i hqve said Hi to a person. Lately, i have been trying to chill it down and think about simply chatting with people and being friendly before jumping onto a percieved high-stakes tightrope walk.

[@arik_dev]

I appreciate the balance of tact and honesty in this video. It suggests you do have a responsibility to develop the skills needed to be in a healthy relationship, but it makes it seem doable, while recognizing your value as a person.

[@buttermilk_jesus6711]

This was perfect! Thank you so much for sharing. Anxious attachment guy here. Working through my shame re: my attachment style. I’m excited to start connecting with healthy people.

[@AbbeyHowe]

This is fascinating. Thanks for sharing! The soup analogy 👏🏽

[@Scarage21]

You're such a treasure trove. Each video I see reminds me of that again.

[@g-pawmcsammaaayyy...5656]

I just feel like i owe you at least a Like and a TY for all the study, time and focus you put into this and all of your vids.

[@g-pawmcsammaaayyy...5656]

And- you do find some wicked good metaphors...

[@statesunlocked]

I'm really happy I found your channel. You explain things so well and it's clear how much work you've done on yourself. Thanks for sharing what you've learnt.

[@sadie9386]

The soup analogy is very important. It speaks to those of us who are unable to receive. Or, to use your analogy, 'don't have a way to 'keep it in.' Heidi, please can you do a video that will help us to receive. Receiving is excruciating for me. And alien. And takes away the security I get from giving (soup).

[@lianxie5582]

I love the way you break down ideas into useful pieces!

[@kmulliga]

Very helpful and well done. I hope you are capturing these ideas for your next book.

[@nathalieforage4653]

Omg this is absolutely the best chanel on the subject. You have a way of dissecting the topic that makes it crystal clear... soooo helpful.. thank you xxxxxx

[@kericampion1153]

Another great video Heidi! I've been working extremely hard on healing my AS for the past 3 years and recently ended a less healthy romantic relationship and i struggle with this concept. I feel like we can help heal one another but there has to be a willingness and understanding. I've stayed many years too long in my last relationship because i didn't feel like id find anyone else that could be healthier but alas, the pain of trying with someone who was opposed to growing or any self reflection was too much to bear. I love the nuance you bring to healing.. it's exactly where i am and so helpful!

[@albritz]

Thank you so much. The idea that, as long as you are doing the right work on yourself, improvement and crazy results come super fast is such a damaging dogma in the self development industry. They make you feel ashamed of not believing that. And they equal not believing that with doubting the validity of the method itself: if you don't believe in relatively fast results, then you are not really accepting the approach at all. Admitting to the truth that even with the best approach it might take years is so liberating. Nobody makes this clear, thank you.

[@baiservole2298]

So sad.. no bowl 😢 great analogy. Thanks!

[@blehblah9233]

Holy shit. The soup analogy is genius. You've helped me a lot with these videos. Thank you!

[@charlieskinner6980]

Another phenomenal video

[@icchasaki]

As a autistic+ADHD person with soup as a safe-food, that analogy was actually incredibly helpful for me in visualizing and understanding the dynamics more deeply, as well as keeping my attention 😅 This is all stuff I knew, but the soup thing alone has given me a new perspective on it lmao. Very cool.

[@lilyneva]

Brilliant.

[@kenk7282]

The soup is healthy love. I held my bowl upside-down for so many years. I still don’t think I deserve a spoon.

[@edgreen8140]

Cognitive distortion. 1) stuck in drama triangle 2). Struggle w being overly dependent or counter dependent in relationship. 3) learn to have a relationship with yourself. 4) know you may have internalize paranoid nontrustwothy ideation. What is getting better it's not getting richer money, fitness physical but psychological fitness. Get better at relationship building. Can you relate deeply w others.

[@davehasenford3985]

Thanks again

[@inbetweendreamsteresaalves]

Can you make a video about the difference between love and attachment ???

[@FlorinGN]

The terminology these days makes things even harder. "Sexual marketplace" sounds like pure objectification, so basically it feels like the relationships are only regarded from a transactional point of view... Now, let's say that someone is barely starting to work with his or her trauma in their late 30's because they simply did not know how to do it earlier. They will almost 100% not see themselves as a good "product" in tha "marketplace" for a long time.

[@lmart16]

Heidi - what is your attachment style or what was your insecure attachment style before becoming securely attached?

[@nathalie4946]

She mentioned in other videos that it was FA

[@PT-zz9ks]

@@nathalie4946 In her updated videos she says she misdiagnosed and is actually dismissive avoidant. FAs are extremely rare (2%-5% of the population) and usually come from extreme trauma, most people that identify as this are just misdiagnosing themselves.

[@adccxssfuiknvhhjjyfcb]

Is this common among ENFP's? I'm trying to figure out my own type, I was starting to feel like maybe I'm an unhealthy ENFP (but I could be way off, I can't say for sure) Anyways, I feel in my past relationships that I was constantly giving away more soup than I really had to give, and they were just taking and taking and taking, until my "giving pot" was empty, and I'm not going to give them my own bowl, I need some too... Then I emotionally detach from them, because I Need Soup too, they aren't giving Me any, why would I keep giving to them without receiving any in return. And a lot of the times these guys don't want to let me go, until they try to make eye contact, and all they see is dead eyes. Am I just not supposed to let them take so much soup from me to begin with, or is the relationship just doomed to fail from the start?

[@kerri5595]

Timestamps?? Please 🙏

[@mda6600]

Isn't lacking the skills means you're not likable?

[@themacocko6311]

I think it's more like you're not knowable.

[@themacocko6311]

Self-pity never helps

[@TheEnriqueSpeed]

I think this touches on the mental trap we fall into. Our minds can make the jump to thinking we're inherently unlikable instead of realizing the kind of person who would judge that way is not healthy for you in the first place.

[@cherylhlatshwayo3318]

‼️💯

[@havcola6983]

I want "The soup is healthy love, ok?" on a t-shirt

[@thelightnessofbeing-asmr6505]

😂

[@ravenblack942]

I don’t like soup. Never drink it. Hate feeling so full and want to graze on carbs

[@ScottH7651]

Wouldn't the anxious person have a bowl but they devour the soup and keep wanting more and more of and actually want the soup from their partner's bowl? This is an amazing video and contribution to humanity. I can't believe it doesn't have more likes. I think we all believe that relationship skills are delivered at birth and don't need to be worked on, at least the people I've been in relationships with.

[@julietteferrars3097]

They don't have a bowl to keep the love in, so the soup just spills out everywhere. The love keeps slipping through their fingers and cannot be fully integrated or accepted since they cannot eat from a full bowl of consistent love like other people are able to do.

[@jkytpeace]

I won’t be able to connect with any girl or woman long enough .. is a limiting belief

[@themacocko6311]

I'm afraid of soup

[@AnHourOfWolves]

Poisoned soup is the worst 🤮

[@NothingFromMe]

Brilliant.

[@NikD215]

For me I don’t think it’s scarce love. I think it’s because my relationship with my only parent, my mother, was so bad and she was extremely verbally abusive, I just don’t trust someone to be there for me. My mother would tell me things around the age of 11 like,no man would ever want to be with me. My mother hardly ever spent time with me or showed me love. When she did spend time with me, she constantly humiliated me. So, I don’t know how to attach as detachment was a daily thing. I also avoid relationships and prefer limerent relationships because it’s more comfortable. Chasing after someone like I chased after my mother’s love and acceptance without actually getting what I want. I’m talking to a healthy guy that shows up and every part of me wants to sabotage the ish out of it. Like, I said I prefer emotional unavailable men who’s attracted to me but doesn’t want to date.

[@ellezuri8975]

That is my childhood in a nutshell Had to look again to make sure u are not me. All my childhood mother hated me. And am an o in child.used to call me names and bullied me all through beating me while everyone looked. Bathing me outside as people looked ...am just not able to have deep relationships and friendships due to this