AVOIDANT MEN - WILL HE HURT YOU? Separating ethical avoidants from manipulative avoidants

[@AivotonApinaIV]

The water-sewage analogy was great! Thank you Adam! I've been dealing with a guy that is part ethical and part manipulative. It is so hard for me to judge a person based on the few manipulative behaviours but you are right, the sewage ruins the water. A person doesn't have to be all bad to be bad for you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad the analogy resonated with you. Recognizing manipulative behaviors early on is essential for protecting your emotional health and setting boundaries. If you need guidance don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@KaylaNoelle1]

He’s definitely avoidant and has unintentionally smashed my heart to pieces multiple times… tried to break up with him, didn’t work. He never presented what he wanted as casual, he said he was dating for marriage, he wants me to be his life partner… but then he claims we “took a step back” after our first conflict which I did NOT agree to. I’m so exhausted.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly frustrating to feel like there's a disconnect between what your partner says and their actions. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need guidance [e-mail]

[@sugar4973]

I just went through this last week. A relationship of over two years. Hot/Cold and it’s so hard for him to say the “L” word. He still has an ex in his life and they share a cat together🤦🏼‍♀️ I asked to meet her so that they wouldn’t have to pretend that she didn’t exist and I would have been happy if we could recognize this situation through the lens of being transparent. He feels safer with her because he loves me in a deeper way. I know that he still loves me because he has pulled away. This is so painful and exhausting. So sad. He’s Avoidant.

[@christinamason3297]

I feel you girl! At the first sign of a disagreement he said the trust was broken over something so small, me getting triggered over his terrible communication. It’s like they have an idea that love is toxic and behave in a way with you that pushes you to the point of reacting negatively so then they can sabotage things and stay in their self fulfilling prophecy of love is bad… when you apologize and try to make things better they say the trust was broken… because you reacted to their stuff!

[@sshuteandrew]

Whether intentional or not, both types break your heart. They don’t bond properly or trust others and look for reasons to confirm their negative beliefs. My ex dismissive avoidant broke up with me at the 6 month point after proclaiming his love for me and saying he would never leave and finally found “the one.” I continued to see him 5 more years- hoping his walls would come down, but they never did. After the first 6 months he placed me in a casual box and never opened his heart again. He said he couldn’t try again bc he didn’t want to break my heart- never recognizing that he already had. I finally gave up at 5.5 years. He told me he’d spend the rest of his life alone. I since learned he went back to his ex that he saw the year before me- no doubt repeating the same pattern. They are driven by fear and nothing matters more than protecting themselves. I’ll never date another avoidant.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am so sorry to hear that! How are you coping? Your experiences highlight how avoidant behaviors can unintentionally hurt others, despite their underlying reasons. It's true that self-awareness and willingness to address past traumas can be crucial in fostering healthier relationships.

[@dawnclark1103]

You have a gift Adam in comforting people with problems… it’s what the world needs ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate your support❤️

[@DM-wv6to]

Most avoidant people are accutely unaware of their trauma and defenses. They will hurt you and not know it. Those with narcissistic elements will probably know it. At the end of the day, the result is the same, unless they're willing to look within.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's a poignant observation about the impact of trauma and defenses in relationships. Have you found that open communication about these dynamics has helped in your own experiences with avoidant individuals?

[@DM-wv6to]

@@AttachmentAdam he's come a little closer, but it's peanuts compared to other relationships I've had.

[@joecocker2319]

It took 3 years before my fearful avoidant actually saw and excepted that much of our issues were cause from issues like these. Of course we didn't know about attachment theory at the time but I calmly and securely explained her actions and how they impacted me negatively. This caused her to take accountability and we still talk about it sometimes.. how there was a time... Where she literally thought it was all my fault. To this day she does except accountability for her actions. Communication and boundaries are what caused that change.

[@marik8624]

Missed it, but commenting to help the algorithm. Thanks! 😊👍🏻

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, as always! ❤️

[@wf4983]

Thank you so much! It is sooo important to distinguish between ethical and non-ethical avoidents. Btw, also anxious people can be highly! manipulative and unethical (they can try to play your councious and responsibility while not allowing you being authentic in the name of love and family). It all comes down to, how does someone behave when they encounter pressing feelings (overwhelm, fear of loosing one's self, feeling stuck and limited by someone , feeling unappreciated, feeling unloved/ unwished for)... you shouldn't give way to that by taking advantage of others, or suppress your concious and make up excuses for your behaviour (it is different when you just don't know how to process your feelings in a healthy manner ... I know well enough how helpless this can feel - my solution was staying out of relationships, but that is betraying yourself and is no solution). The person has to ask themself what they can change to allow for connection while being able to stay your happy self!

[@AttachmentAdam]

You bring up a valid point about ethical behavior across different attachment styles. It's crucial for everyone to reflect on how they manage their emotions and communicate authentically in relationships. Thanks a lot for sharing your perspective!🙌

[@onesimusfannayon7047]

thanks so kindly Adam

[@eileenfuentes6975]

12:14 BINGO! Holy moly you nailed it!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear this resonates! What are your thoughts on this?

[@emilyr577]

I feel like my avoidant partner has a little of both? I think he is mostly ethical but definitely had some manipulative traits…..

[@AttachmentAdam]

That can be a tricky combination to navigate. How do you manage these traits in your relationship?

[@DM-wv6to]

Wow you were a Narrative therapist! I trained in it too many moons ago 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's fantastic! It's always great to connect with someone who shares an interest in Narrative therapy. What drew you to it originally?

[@DM-wv6to]

@@AttachmentAdam postmodern thought was at the time my specialty. And since I'm a therapist, it was a natural step. Michael White was my hero for a bit, then other things took over X

[@miaduana]

Love your content . Thank you 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

So glad to hear that! Thanks for the support❤

[@sisters299]

Why are they not sociopaths if they’re so extreme on the manipulative avoidance scale?

[@eileenfuentes6975]

17:17 manipulative avoidant- can* mirror sociopathy and other personality disorders

[@AttachmentAdam]

Exactly. They may exhibit similar traits or manipulative behaviors. Would love to hear your thoughts on this video.

[@sadiqua7]

Mine is ethically avoidant..just saw him today, he let me know he had a huge life event, it’s what caused him to shut down. Not sure if we can rebuild, but at least we’re on ok terms again

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's good to hear you're on better terms. How are you navigating this period of uncertainty regarding rebuilding trust and connection? If you need help please feel free to email me at [e-mail]

[@oambitiousone7100]

This helped me finalize my suspicion that he was manipulative avoidant The control, the not giving me options on making decisions, the manipulation to get the result he wanted. Unfortunately, I had already been surrounded by the smoke screen of compliments and future faking and sex and candy dopamine that I did not want to stop Until I had to stop. It was clear the relationship did not have true depth. I gave up an ethical avoidant marriage for a manipulative avoidant affair 😞

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It can be incredibly challenging to navigate relationships when faced with manipulation and false promises. How are you moving forward after recognizing these patterns?

[@oambitiousone7100]

@@AttachmentAdam like every date is a haunted house and I’m ready for the jump scare 🫣

[@prettywhitney17]

When you say, “unless it’s a horrible /horrific traumatic experience.” The definition or boundary of what is “horrific” varies. I was wondering where does the boundary or what is deemed “horrific” begin / end?

[@rhondarowe1424]

You thudded less in this video! I startled 3 times which is MIUCH better. Thank you for helping me listen!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear you had a better experience. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the video.

[@misskhoury1765]

What if they don’t communicate and shut down? Or if they gradually stop responding and slowly distance so you end things? Is that manipulation or ethical?

[@roberth4395]

That is just avoidant in general

[@TamasMateffy]

Then most probably you puked your emotions on him, and he got sick. Listening to him , and wanting to actually understand him in a loving way, while looking for solutions together might help. From an avoidant.

[@cynthiamiller6373]

@@TamasMateffy”puked” emotions shuts down communication. There was a legitimate question posted.

[@cynthiamiller6373]

They are likely moving on.

[@DM-wv6to]

I'll give you an example from my extremely ethical situationship avoidant. We finally became intimate (he does not chase sex) a few days before Valentine's day. The whole date was simply beautiful and reciprocal, as well as with some emotional intimacy. He disappears after, Valentine's day goes by, plus more days, 10 in total. Then he reaches out to see how I am😢 I texted him calmly explaining that that behaviour had hurt me. He disappears two days (processing and overthinking ), he returns with a bunch of virtual flowers and a poem about not thinking clear. Did that make much difference to me? Not a great deal.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like a complex situation. How do you navigate the balance between emotional intimacy and the challenges of avoidance in your relationships? If you ever need guidance please don't hesitate to email me at [e-mail]

[@DM-wv6to]

@@AttachmentAdam very complex and we both have complex/multifaceted personalities, plus we're from different European countries with East /South mentalities . The situation has been going on for over two years. How do I navigate it? With a lot of patience and soul searching, Some of it hurts. We're both special one in a million people. I took some of your advice, wrote a letter etc but he's an extreme avoidant, he didn't engage with it. I'm letting it go, but it's hard. I know he has deep feelings, like I do. Thanks Adam, unfortunately, I cannot afford US prices.

[@IanuaDiaboli]

I thought he was ethical, but I ignored a lot of red flags. Then after we had an abortion and he wasn’t there for me as I wanted to, and I was in survival mode, he baited and switched, detaching more and more. He shattered my heart to pieces because he became mean, spiteful and evil.

[@eileenfuentes6975]

11:14 😂 "those are new!" As in? 😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Feelings of course 😂 What did you think?

[@kayyy.beeeee6173]

I just used some “risk” language and it was harder than I thought. Can you give more ideas…. And yes I’ve purchased your program

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey, Kay! Please reach out to me at [e-mail] to learn more and so I could share some helpful resources tailored for your situation.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Thank you Adam - I loved hearing these details and both my husband and I are fearful avoidant but with many moments of secure attachment moments, where we connect extremely well. But those unconscious childhood wounds still need transforming now they are conscious ;) … life is good when we accept “Thank you God for the seemingly bad that is for MY growth” forgiveness and gratitude is the essence of happiness no matter what situation or challenges there are … 💜🙏🏽

[@AttachmentAdam]

it's encouraging to hear that you and your husband are working through your attachment styles together. Growth and transformation are ongoing processes, and acceptance and forgiveness play a significant role in nurturing connection.❤

[@IshtarBellydancer]

@@AttachmentAdam well we are not working on this together right at this moment… maybe we are different to other couples but after 20 + years marriage being a part for half a year or more is nothing and we have done this before we married. But I find it more clarifying in the ability to see clearer my own issues, his and our challenges. Our marriage has been a catalyst through all kinds of experiences and changing circumstances whereby we keep shedding skin. Knowing my husband for so much of my life - makes me energetically connected as does he, where intution speaks to me and guides me. I know this sounds strange but then I am not the average in my unusual approach to life and like paving my own path forward following intuition. I know as we each grow alone at this time - we will come together again on a new ring of the spiral of growth because we do have a very deep loving connection together. Sometimes to love is to let go and trust that sometimes a butterfly needs to fly free for awhile to know freedom to fly exists before coming to sit anew on the flower of marriage. We can change by discarding our old self and choose to be different…. You can do it by changing partners or within the same marriage… :) my intuition has guided me in my life accurately because it’s connected to God’s will… when we let go and let God and embrace gratitude and forgiveness we become free to love unconditionally where fear can’t live. Painful perceptions and beliefs fall away… 🙏🏽💜btw I don’t get lonely and I am content knowing where we are heading. We have so many good things that throwing away the baby with the bath water is immature in my humble opinion, challenges make us better more loving caring loyal people who are capable of higher qualities of unconditional love that pleases the spiritual soul. Have a lovely day helping so many across the world. 🙏🏽

[@gmiller8167]

As attachment styles have been defined currently, there is the Dismissive Avoidant and the Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized). We know that each of these avoidant attachment styles have a specific set of core wounds and differing childhood environments that result in an individual developing either a DA or FA leaning avoidant attachment style. Your videos address Avoidants more as one group, in which you have divided them into ethical and manipulative. Can you provide clarification. We know that attachment styles sit on a spectrum. We also know that it is common for avoidants to get mislabeled by the lay person as having NPD, as they share a number of traits in common. NPD sponsoring intentions are quite different than a true avoidant, however. Traditionally we’ve seen that the further out on spectrum an avoidant sits (without actually crossing over into an actual diagnosis of NPD) the more core wounds and the more narcissistic traits they demonstrate. Can you clarify if you are differentiating the 2 avoidant attachment styles (DA and FA) when you are speaking about avoidants in general, or when you speak of the ethical vs the manipulative avoidant are you speaking to the spectrum of DAs specifically? Or something different than what I’ve captured above?

[@venusrevive132]

That ring looks strong!

[@JK-di8nt]

So no other way for them to gain dopamine bonding back? And is there a way to help them gain self awareness and fix their beliefs?

[@sshuteandrew]

They usually need to hit rock bottom to get help. Avoidants are the least likely attachment style to seek help or think it would be worthwhile to get help.

[@Melody9616]

They dump you and come back later for Dopamine. Well, if you like that's a solution. 😬

[@AttachmentAdam]

Dopamine bonding can be important for connection, but building trust and fostering self-awareness are also crucial. If you'd like to learn more please don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@trailerparkhomestead9937]

You got me triggered Adam. I cant tell you how many times my ex told me I needed to "make her feel loved." Now a year later I'm watching your videos and when you say that I literally shouted "what the F does that mean?" I did everything I knew how to do.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you were doing your best with the tools and knowledge you had.

[@christyt8049]

I am 51 years old... Fully admitted avoidant. I have never even had the desire to cheat...? I don't understand that statement. Why is that abundant in avoidant

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear your perspective. Avoidant attachment styles can manifest differently in individuals. What do you think contributes to these variations in behavior among avoidant individuals?

[@christyt8049]

Morals and accountability.. if you know you avoidant you do your best to do better daily@AttachmentAdam

[@venuspsychicmasseuse]

Heaven on Earths Mission : Rebuild oxytocin receptors

[@AttachmentAdam]

That sounds like an intriguing mission! Love it!

[@venuspsychicmasseuse]

@@AttachmentAdam I'm on it! 🫡

[@Pheonix1111]

49:56

[@AttachmentAdam]

What are your thoughts on this?

[@Pheonix1111]

@@AttachmentAdam You spoke so much truth from this point forward and it made me cry. I am still processing it. Thank you for helping people on your channel.

[@iohannesfactotum]

A lifeline in desperate times

[@misschris325]

Best wishes for you. I am going through my own tribulations with my husband at the time.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad my content has been helpful to you during challenging times.

[@Detour-2002]

Hi Adam. I don’t know what true is . I may have pushed away many person whom may have shown real interest in me. So I can relate to the 50/50 of I can’t trust myself to trust other people. Thanks Adam for all you do.🙏💪👍

[@AttachmentAdam]

I appreciate your support!❤ It sounds like you're reflecting on your own journey with trust and relationships. What steps are you taking to explore and understand this further?

[@Detour-2002]

@@AttachmentAdam at the moment I’m doing a lot of reflecting and I know at some point I will need professional help finding which attachments I need to resolve. I have read your book and NMMNG. I am still conflicted.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Plus - I love the analogys! The little stories make serious issues so much lighter and humor is a good thing :) ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you like them! Thanks for all your love and support❤