How To Protect Yourself From ANXIOUS Women (Anxious Attachment Explained)

Рет қаралды 7,922

Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 123

@cappygurl Жыл бұрын

If anybody thinks that Adam is coming down hard on the anxious, they need to check out the videos about avoidants. The truth is that dealing with the 3 insecure attachment types is difficult they are not easy people to be in relationship with. Not one of them. Lets all become secure and move into the secure dating pool.

@Culwhickbeocca Жыл бұрын

Love it

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the support here. It's true that avoidant people usually get demonized in the majority of online videos about attachment. I wanted to give them this miniseries to present their side of the argument. So many avoidant people have contacted me to thank me for not demonizing them and making them feel seen.

@Culwhickbeocca Жыл бұрын

@@AttachmentAdam yes I love that. The truth is I feel I have both. But neither are good. Demonizing in any sense is insecurity, correct?

@ko.lee_asmr 5 ай бұрын

I feel like he is going harder than normal.... honest, yes but I'm realizing... as I've watched all the avoidant and how to love avoidant videos, they were helpful to understand how to support my man, but he's not going harder necessarily, I am just being defensive in my mind while listening to this BECAUSE I am anxious, and I am needing to take accountability and realize what a relationship with me feels like. I think that is why the people are feeling like he's going harder here.... I thought that at the beginning of this video, but to my anxious people.... if you can watch this with the ability to understand.... I think it can be a HUGE eye opener and motivate you to want to heal your own attatchment to save your relationship, to save breaking your partner's heart more than you already (unintentionally) have. I know its motivating me.... it's hard to hear and hurtful, but motivating.

@Alixir1228 20 күн бұрын

He tiptoes around the emotionally and mentally abusive behavior of avoidants while demonizing anxious people as literally "your worst nightmare" giving extreme versions of anxious attachment and giving the most diluted version of avoidants. Ironically typical avoidant behavior.

@tiffanyburke2785 4 ай бұрын

I have anxious tendencies. But I was open, honest, tried to confront issues. He avoided. I believe I became much more secure and that also created a different dynamic. He would pull away when I wanted to confront the issues. He wanted and pushed for me to speak. But never wanted to confront his avoidance. The project became me. When I asked him the same questions in return. He would shut down. I see some of these in me. And I need to figure them out after my relationship of 5.5 years failed.

@AttachmentAdam 4 ай бұрын

It sounds like you went through a challenging relationship dynamic. It's great that you're focusing on your own security - that's a powerful step towards future healthy connections. Looking back, what do you think might have been helpful communication strategies to navigate the anxious-avoidant dynamic in your relationship?

@tiffanyburke2785 4 ай бұрын

@@AttachmentAdam I asked him to see a therapist with me. I had started to see a therapist on my own. Honestly. I don’t know. I think it would have taken a reset of trust on both sides. I think at 5.5 years in, he could have tried harder to be real about where he was truly in his thoughts. We struggled with Trust. I’m not sure. I wish he would have verbally tried. He tried in the ways he knew how, but never verbally tried to discuss anything. I was just left to guess. When I asked him what he wanted. He would say. I don’t know. I can’t picture my future. I don’t know what I need. It was so hard. He said it’s not like I have some checklist that you can check off. I think because he knew if he did. I would check it off. I would have. But he kept moving the target. My arm was tired from trying to hit the bullseye

@indyd9322 11 ай бұрын

Clarity on needs and expectations is KEY!

@AttachmentAdam 11 ай бұрын

Absolutely, a must!

@hawwu7627 Жыл бұрын

As someone anxious, it was hard for me to be with another anxious person mainly due to lack of needs. Couldn't caretake for someone and it was frustrating as hell, but taught me both about that red flag in her and in me. On my way to be more upfront with that I need and to look for someone stating clearly their needs as well.

@mokshalani8414 Жыл бұрын

I was just thinking, man this video sounds a lot like me but there are some differences that are just too distinct to ignore (I would never publicly ridicule an ex, for example, that's just too much drama). I read this comment & realized that I went through a similar humility, and I'm encouraged by it because it seems I've taken it in a (albeit slightly) healthy direction. Thank you for the introspection

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

This is excellent data. What a great reflection and gain of insight for you. Well done!

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

This is so great to read. Healing the issue makes the issue so much better.

@Irisi13 2 ай бұрын

I also stand by Adam. As an anxious attacher involved with a dismissive avoidant he has opened my eyes and I take notes. He WAS an anxious attached person. He knows!! Trust him.

@AttachmentAdam 2 ай бұрын

Thank you so much!

@lynettejohnson9051 7 ай бұрын

Fear of abandonment. Fear of lack of deep connection. Fear of lack of authentic care. Fear of betrayal. Good relationships must work on those issues consistently.

@caraalex7880 Жыл бұрын

I am female with an ANXIOUS female roommate and looking for advice to protect myself since she is always "needy". I could call it co-dependency, but it is just dependency. I am setting hard boundries....it is about all I can do until she leaves in 6 months. I feel bad for anyone in this situation, especially men who are trapped.

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

I agree, this can feel challenging if the anxious person is totally dysregulated and does not take responsibility for their own issues. Boundaries and being clear about what you expect can help. So can being clear about how their behavior is causing the problems rather than preventing them, and asking them to maintain their own regulation. Remember that it's not your job to be their parent.

@JessicaFayToday Жыл бұрын

At seven months she is getting upset because she knows she invested in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. She starts prodding you for a commitment and signs of loyalty. If you find yourself in this situation, you should confirm that you never liked her, do not love her, don't want anything serious, and end the "non-relationship."

@user-lm6ro4ec9v Жыл бұрын

Seriously

@ChaosTherum Жыл бұрын

Some people just don't need to clarify commitment they are just comitted from the beginning and just don't know that some people need it confirmed.

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

Agreed, people should be honest with each other from the very beginning and agree on what they want. That's why I teach my 3-date method to help filter better, and then you move forward into the relationship you actually want.

@elias4716 8 ай бұрын

100% accurate. Clear communication is key from the beginning and spares future misunderstandings and grief.

@elias4716 8 ай бұрын

I think it's important to distinguish from the extreme case of an anxious person that's being described in the video to most anxiously attached people. Most moderate APs will state their needs and wants and will ask the Avoidant to do the same. However, in a lot of cases because the avoidant has difficulty communicating and is generally avoidant of any uncomfortable conversations this is where issues arise. Adults should be able to communicate clearly and effectively, this is a reasonable and common request in relationships.

@ArlisWard 7 ай бұрын

Spot on!

@anzelaiv 6 ай бұрын

I agree with you, but adults should also be able meet their own needs before stating them to others. We should also be able to decide if a partner is a good match for us or not, and leave the relationship when it's clear that it's not working. None of the insecurely attached styles, moderate or extreme, know how to do any of it. Communication only works when we understand ourselves.

@madcatlady4312 25 күн бұрын

very well said!

@elias4716 20 күн бұрын

@@anzelaiv I partially agree, people need to understand and be able to meet their own needs before entering a relationship. However,a relationship is a mutual exchange.of needs and wants whether those needs are acceptance, affection or companionship etc. Otherwise, why are you entering a relationship with someone? Why not have a consensual situationship?

@dvegas Жыл бұрын

I’m getting anxious being called out for being anxious!!! 🤣🤣🤣

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

That seems to be the case with many people right now!

@poppasnaxx1648 5 ай бұрын

😅😅😅

@AstrologywithJulien 6 ай бұрын

Uh.... this is just demonizing anxious attachment & completely false IMO. I've never done anything like that nor would I. You sound like you are describing a personalty disorder not an attachment style. Maybe try taking the same understanding approach you use with avoidant attachment teaching people ways to work with an anxious partner. Unless you just have it in for this group for some reason.

@gemmini8389 6 ай бұрын

Theres a point in the video where i felt the same. The avoidant person can be worked with but the anxious person needs to be flagged immediately???

@bhumikabhardwaj2913 Ай бұрын

But lot of times avoidant actually trigger anxious people too and then anxious people behave in more anxious way even if they don’t want to … because avoidant keep everything to themselves and don’t open up too much

@AttachmentAdam Ай бұрын

You're right. That's the push/pull dynamic that happens in anxious-avoidant relationships typically. Have you been part of this dynamic before?

@mattng4707 Жыл бұрын

Keep the anxious and avoidant stuff coming

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

This is its own miniseries, watch all 5!

@sonaliduttamusicandart 7 ай бұрын

This sounds more like Narcissistic than anxious attachment style.. I think the way it's presented, got the two mixed..

@AttachmentAdam 7 ай бұрын

I'd love to help. What's mixing up the two together?

@anzelaiv 6 ай бұрын

I was an avoidant FA, and during rare times when I was triggered into such a strong anxiety by attaching to a very avoidant partner, it was physically painful to exist in that state. Not because of the actions of my partner but because the anxiety itself was overwhelming and I couldn't think or act rationally. I despised myself in that state and wanted nothing more than to get away. Being the avoidant partner for an anxiously attached man felt like I was there only to make him feel special. If I was bad at it, there was always trouble, but here's the twist, when I was good at it, he took me for granted, relaxed into his comfort zone, and didn't notice I was there until I stopped making him feel special, which was when he would wake up and start blaming me for not loving him again. And no, he was not a narcissist looking for supply, he was a relatively good person, that's just what anxiety does to you.

@DA_youtub3 6 ай бұрын

So true!

@kaylakayla7341 9 ай бұрын

I will not say that Anxious women are toxic if you are a relationship attachment expert then you should not call any of the insecure attachments toxic because you reinforce their core wound of i am defective, which both anxious and avoidants have. The truth is both the anxious and the avoidant are wounded individuals and if in a relationship they trigger each other's wounds and create a roller-coaster cycle in their relationship with each other. They create a lot of unresolved conflict and that continues until they both decide to heal their attachment issue to move towards being secure. Please be mindful with how you describe insecurely attached individuals.

@milaladislau 5 ай бұрын

I think you were just on point. I would like to read what Adam has to say about it.

@DarenHarmon Ай бұрын

Both sides have to work on their issues. If not, the anxious-avoidant trap ensues and they both end up resenting each other to the point that one or both check out of the relationship. Adam has videos geared towards both attachment styles.

@doomgroome 29 күн бұрын

All of what you're going over in this video really rings true for my entire situation. I'm avoidant and my partner is anxious. My anxious partner thinks that her love language is essentially love bombing. She thinks that her love language is all 5. I don't really want to give up on my toxically anxious partner.

@AttachmentAdam 29 күн бұрын

Hey, thanks for sharing. I do have resources for this, shoot me an email to support@adamlanesmith.com and I can get you set up with something :)

@ireneirene5476 6 ай бұрын

I used to be FA until i got a stalker !!! It was the worst experience in my life so far and it kind of showed me how awful it is to be needy and deprive another person of their freedom.. I think i shifted to dismissive after that 😅

@mimsatlanta 6 ай бұрын

🤣😂 I'm still a FA. We're the ones that apparently need the most help, so I'm kinda hoping he ditches the videos on the anxious types (as they can't seem to really handle hearing about themselves very well anyway), and make videos for us FA's instead 😅. I need to figure out what the heck is right/wrong, so that I can make my necessary changes. I know I'm a problem. I'm just really uncertain when or how to do things right within relationships, and a guide would be helpful for sure.

@mimsatlanta 6 ай бұрын

@mokshalani8414 Жыл бұрын

I do the explode → simp → explode cycle. How can I tell that I'm anxious style as opposed to disorganized style, which does a similar pattern? What features can I look out for that distinguishes them?

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

The number one thing I help my coaching clients distinguish by is: What do you do when someone else becomes anxious and clings to you? When they get close? Do you switch to avoidance and try to escape? That avoidant behavior is the key.

@JHW44 9 ай бұрын

@@AttachmentAdamI believe I’m disorganized attachment style, do you have a playlist on the disorganized style? Your videos are very helpful thank you!

@PrekshaAggarwal 6 ай бұрын

Can you please make a video how to fix anxious attached woman? I’m one of her. I want to change.

@gemmini8389 6 ай бұрын

I am an anxious woman too, tbh its painful to be one. Just walked away from a man who couldnt commit to me for a year and 3 months. I felt like a secret. Now i just feel numb. Like i genuinely don't care if i find love or not. How to fix my anxiety, that would really be nice.

@doloresbrown9661 5 ай бұрын

It's the anxious attachment person that has to protect themselves from the avoident person we know how to feel comfortable giving and receiving love. How offending this video is. I'm shocked at this content.

@dozerdiva5143 Жыл бұрын

I'm must be a lazy anxious person. In fact I think I'm a recovering from anxious attachment. Seems dramatic & I'm very assertive. Oh I have needs plus I have a strong personality.

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

Love to hear it! I know you've been working hard on growing!

@dozerdiva5143 Жыл бұрын

@AttachmentAdam I have indeed, I'm just not in the geological location that's date friendly plus I'm busy with school & still work at the coal mine. I do see this guy off n on but I'm not feeling a strong connection with him. He wants me to text & call ALL THE TIME. Drives me crazy!

@BrittianyPerkins1 8 ай бұрын

My only complaint of this video is saying anxious expect mind reading, but my experience is it’s the avoidant expecting mind reading. Maybe both do it? Idk

@elias4716 8 ай бұрын

Yes!! It's actually the avoidant that will expect mind reading from their partner because they have difficulty communicating their needs. Communication is seen as conflict to them.

@michellehanes8136 Жыл бұрын

As someone who is very anxious but now more secure i feel like its mostly true but i like long term relationships not the situationships. We do like people that are more direct becausw it helps ua be more direct atleast thats how it is for me. But i do feel more secure now.

@eva-mariabruckner1873 5 ай бұрын

So great this channel. Could you please make also videos about desorganized attachment style? Thanks!

@Efalonda 9 ай бұрын

Lesson: never do anything for men. Just hear them talk about it. Just don't do it. About the avoidants: I told one my needs and he had a psychotic break. Now is calling me anxious, doing everything to prevent the breakup and trying to trap me and shut me up. The solution is unfortunately not to simply tell avoidants your needs. In truth nothing really works to create a mutually fulfilling relationship. And this is coming from someone who has been called distant in previous relationships. These people will do any and everything to make you anxious even if you were relatively secure. They fear being trapped because they would trap YOU given the chance and cannot imagine people are not all like them. They are also great at fooling therapists because they can stay calm and make you look unlikable.

@migueld5227 Жыл бұрын

Described my ex almost perfectly… except she would disappear for 5-7 days anytime there was any conflict at all. Which caused me not to trust her. Once she left she went to the other extreme of highly avoidant. Anytime I tried to help her self sooth she felt abandoned and disappeared just like when we had even the slightest conflict. She claimed it was her panic attacks why she had to leave for days which caused me to feel extreme guilt for pushing her to such extremes

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

This sounds so intense for both of you. What finally broke you two up?

@migueld5227 Жыл бұрын

I finally committed to her completely even though she never stopped leaving after conflicts. I believe her inability to commit caused her to leave because a man who won’t commit is a safe option for someone who can’t commit. I don’t think she ever loved me to start with if she could discard someone so completely. It’s a mind f**k

@KVG822 Жыл бұрын

Anxious makes a man run. I am anxious, learning to not be anxious will be ideal.

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

Anxious makes an avoidant man run, yes! Secure men will be confused, but may not run. But over time the anxiety can wear them down too, if it's overwhelming. The issue is not that you're BAD, not at all. It's about having needs that can never be fulfilled, so it puts pressure on them. Fixing it is the best option because you reduce the pressure on the other person while allowing them to also lean on you. Voluntary interdependence. Only possible with more secure attachment. Let me know how I can help you in this journey. It will change everything, so keep going!

@KVG822 Жыл бұрын

I think he is secure but my anxiousness is making him feel pressured

@Daneiladams555 5 ай бұрын

Can you please talk about having a mixture of attachment styles if that exists ? I feel like I’m an avoidant and anxious

@therealsagekitty 4 ай бұрын

I thought I could be anxious, listen to this.. I am not anxious type ..😁

@AttachmentAdam 4 ай бұрын

It seems like this is helping you understand yourself better. I encourage you to check my latest video about the 8 attachment types. Let me know if any of them resonate!

@Career_Change_with_Freda 6 ай бұрын

Does this also include fearful avoidants as they have the anxious side too?

@jlo1372 Жыл бұрын

Wow! 27 yr marriage doomed. Thx for the reality check. Had no idea. Well explained.

@DA_youtub3 6 ай бұрын

Am happy then that im not an Anx. Att. (AA). I thought i had AA tendencies, but maybe not so strong. // Some of these things (not telling needs, for example) sometimes is just that the person doesn't know or is not used to communicating in the relationship.

@ohsusannah9051 2 ай бұрын

I'm listening this to try to learn about myself...I honestly hope I'm not like this - I don't think I am in many of these examples. Perhaps I'm more fearful avoidant? I do the people pleasing, for sure, I was not the one who love-bombed and jumped in quickly with my ex. I gave and he took - he said "I love you' and I don't think I ever admitted to loving him...I honestly believe my anxiety came more from my toxic marriage, and not from my childhood - but my avoidance stems from my parents?? Could that be? I'm a mess.

@AttachmentAdam 2 ай бұрын

It sounds like you’re deep in the process of trying to untangle your emotions, behaviors, and attachment patterns. It’s okay to feel like a mess when reflecting on these complexities - it's a sign that you're doing the work. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can unpack this together. I'd be happy to help and guide you through this.

@mindysexton4836 10 ай бұрын

My fiance is anxiously attached and I don't know how to handle it sometimes. Even if I wanna go hang out with my friends he's always worried how long I'm gonna be gone and when I'll be back and he get all emotional about it if I bring it up.

@AttachmentAdam 10 ай бұрын

Have you had him go through my Attachment Bootcamp video course to help him fix this in clear steps? A lot of men come out of that course more solid, relaxed, and dependable.

@elias4716 8 ай бұрын

Communicating expectations in a relationship is normal. It would be no different if someone just walked out of the house without stating where they were going or when they were expected back. Maybe they are concerned about your history or they have had a negative experience in the past. Usually a bit of communication clears up misunderstandings and will ease nerves.

@therealsagekitty 4 ай бұрын

I never afraid of conflicts 😂.

@AttachmentAdam 4 ай бұрын

That's a great mindset to have! How do you usually handle conflicts to ensure they are productive and not just confrontational?

@Lord_of_Dread 6 ай бұрын

Yep, my ex had every single red flag you mentioned. She fucked me up good and proper.

@doloresbrown9661 5 ай бұрын

Think about what you did in this equation

@mishacwill 2 ай бұрын

Or anxious men, no?

@AttachmentAdam 2 ай бұрын

Yes. Most of the people who are anxiously attached are women though.

@mishacwill 2 ай бұрын

I am anxious but once dated an anxious guy. It was really hard work.

@shea5542 6 ай бұрын

Such a good video

@AttachmentAdam 6 ай бұрын

Thank you so much, I appreciate it! ❤

@ryanbigwood Жыл бұрын

Love the videos, but please leave the zoom function alone - really distracting

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

Thanks for the feedback, I'll pass it along.

@user-lm6ro4ec9v Жыл бұрын

Yo WHAT. Seven months and no commitment? 😂bye

@954dreamer1 Жыл бұрын

Omg when I heard that I felt the same! That’s crazy lol

@user-lm6ro4ec9v Жыл бұрын

@@954dreamer1 right. This is misguided and validating the feelings of men who deserved to be dumped but had women with no backbone enough to walk away

@ReginaMcNeish Жыл бұрын

This is a way to market to the “fearful avoidant “ man ( if you want to call them fully grown MATURE men) . I get why he’s doing this but it leaves a lot of holes for the Tate guys to muddle through. The fact that he says “be aware” when these type of men aren’t is why they are avoidant cuz they are avoiding emotions and also are TOO COWARDLY to do the things he suggests on their own. They are CONSTANTLY vampiric in dealing with the energy they receive from the “anxiously attached” counterpoint. These 2 will constantly attract each other until they ACTUALLY BECOME AWARE. So I see why he’s saying this in the first video in a series because he has to speak “Coward” to attract a coward cuz that’s the OLD SCHOOL TERM for the cute terms we are using when saying “Fearful Avoidant”. He’s doing his job as a man to talk to men who are astray and we women have other channels to help us understand our value and not to waste 7 months on a guy who hasn’t even claimed you as anything than an easy situation. 7 months in woman years is a LONG TIME and if you are SMART as a women you KNOW that if a guy isn’t acting like he’s about something after the 1st month it’s BOY BYE and absolutely NO SEGGS until you BOTH understand you are in a committed relationship. Even smarter if you understand girlfriends do not do WIFE DUTIES and what those actually are. So this video is pretty on point in how he’s speaking to COWARDLY men, which we should care less about. I’m just hear to see his method and see how they react. I would be able to spot a fearful avoidant men in heartbeat and would never engage cuz yuck..

@vigbokwe69 Жыл бұрын

I think by commitment he meant marriage. I watched the video on the assumption that he was talking about an anxious girlfriend.

@annab3184 Жыл бұрын

Agree, but the point is that women often say they're "OK with whatever" at the start when in reality they want a normal relationship. And then they're surprised the man hasn't changed. In effect, the woman has also wasted HER OWN time, can't put the blame fully on the man. Let's all together stop rewarding the behaviors we don't want, shall we?

@oambitiousone7100 Жыл бұрын

Anxiously attached men?

@AttachmentAdam Жыл бұрын

This video focuses on this particular dynamic, but I've got a video interview with Dr Robert Glover earlier on this channel that goes deep into anxious attachment in men.

@CommunistGangsterComputerGod 4 ай бұрын

ok now make one about men lol im as avoidant as it gets and always end up with clingy anxious stalker types

@bissmahmehmud Ай бұрын

The more im getting into this video hoping you've not demonized anxious women further on, the more im getting horrified. Did you just seriously make a woman having divorced parents HER fault and call it a red flag? So avoidant men werent loved right and that makes them avoidant but anxious attached women are red flags because their parents are divorced? Unsubscribing. You're a misogynist not a dating coach lol

@sifublack192 8 ай бұрын

BARZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!

@desertbluesplaylist7550 9 ай бұрын

How insulting. Taking the piss out AA people

@bissmahmehmud Ай бұрын

Like all your videos but its funny how you make videos for avoidant men that are asking viewers to be empathetic and then you make videos about anxious women and straight up call them crazy in the beginning and tell men how to protect themselves from that. So we need to not come down hard on avoidants but we totally need to be mean about the anxious ones...got it

@Cross8798 9 ай бұрын

7 months? I hated his friends right away 😂

@AttachmentAdam 9 ай бұрын

That sounds like useful data 🤣

@priyankachokka 9 ай бұрын

lol he is using his knowledge for views, stop demonizing any kind of insecure attachment, as we know, it all comes from pain and neglect.. please make videos which direct people in more positive and empathetic way.. u r a therapist for god's sake.. some people should not become therapists i guess

@AutisticBarbie 7 ай бұрын

I’m an avoidant woman and I thought he was using trigger words for avoidant ppl to get pulled in emotionally. Like ‘fair’ ‘demonize’ ‘mind reading’ ‘lose everything’. I like his POV on avoidants but the delivery came off as manipulative to me. And I don’t even fear anxious folks we just need you to be more direct about your needs. We know it comes from hurt and no we don’t think you are dangerous. What a tool

@gemmini8389 6 ай бұрын

@@AutisticBarbie Most avoidants are the ones who don't even communicate their needs. Most anxious people over- communicate their needs by complaining it becomes annoying for just anyone. Yes this video is demonizing anxious women instead of looking at ways to work with them and help them heal just like he explains in his Avoidant men videos. If walking away from any attachment style is in your best interest for your own sanity that too is okay.