How To Master Your Attachment Style & Handle Anxiety

[@Jollyslide]

I swear you're videos are getting better and better. I've definitely noticed I've been less afraid of having small conflicts with people. It's like a newfound freedom and it turns out people don't respect me less when I lay down a boundary, but more. I just didn't realize it tied in with becoming secure. Thanks again for your content Adam, really enjoyed slaying your fear.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing this, I've been working hard with my team to step up the production values at every stage of the process. Glad to hear it's coming through. As for your journey - I'm glad you've found value in my work. Keep learning and growing, because it gets so much better from here. And I'm here to help. Feel free to ask questions as we go.

[@asmaafahim9002]

Tips on how to heal anxious attachment style would make many of us happy. Thabk you

[@dvegas]

Secure is definitely the gold standard. ⭐️ Be prepared though for boundaries up front, including them walking away. They have little tolerance for unhealthy behavior and have higher standards. It might be a shock at first if someone is used to the insecure staying in relationships that turn into train wrecks.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You've got it! Boundaries up front are a GREAT SIGN that someone is clear about what they want and hopes you will be the same.

[@Gadjins]

Such a great Guy and Human being, appreciate Your videos a lot Adam!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you. What stood out the most to you?

[@Gadjins]

@@AttachmentAdam You've been helping me and others see things as they truly are, providing clarity and understanding in relationships, especially regarding different attachment styles. The contrast between secure attachments and their opposites has been particularly enlightening, helping to identify where situations start to dip into extremes. Identifying Blind Spots You've taught me to recognize not only my own blind spots but also those of the people I love. Your approach-pointing out these blind spots, providing examples, and offering solutions or alternative mindsets-has been invaluable. Through this, I've learned the importance of self-awareness and the impact of attachment styles on our interactions. Once you can see it, you can work on it. Challenges with Attachment Styles By nature, I strive to solve or resolve conflicts, but I've learned that this doesn't always work, especially when dealing with different attachment styles. For example, my sister, who has an anxious-dismissive attachment style, seeks closeness and wants to know about my feelings. Whenever I tried to approach her on an emotional level, she would hear me out but then reframe, deflect, and somehow make me the problem. This response was consistent, even when it was clear that I had little to no control over the situation. Her underlying message always seemed to be, "Why is he now emotional?" She often used the information against me, which made me wary of sharing my feelings. Despite my efforts to communicate and connect, I ended up feeling misunderstood and blamed. It was just the abuse cycle I was in, but I didn't want to see it. My Journey to Healing I've made significant progress in healing on my own, but I've developed a distaste for dealing with highly avoidant or fearful people. I understand their struggles and would love to help, but most people seem to reject any form of responsibility for their actions or behaviors. This has made it challenging to maintain healthy relationships with them. They either bulldoze my boundaries and accidentally drain my life essence, or I choose the secure approach. I asked for space since I am emotionally drained and have no one I trust to talk to right now. Despite this, I've been bombarded with messages about inconceivably little things over the last three weeks. The wording they use: "I know you wanted space, but..." seems to disregard my request. They don’t care about my boundaries, it seems. Moving Forward I really liked your idea to be more secure with reason. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial, and it's important to be firm yet understanding. Here are a few strategies I plan to implement: - Clear Communication: Clearly state my need for space and the reasons behind it. - Firm Boundaries: Reinforce my boundaries consistently, even if it means repeating myself. - Selective Interaction: Limit interactions with those who consistently disrespect my boundaries. - Self-Care: Prioritize my well-being and seek support from trusted sources when needed. - Empathy with Limits: Understand their struggles but not at the cost of my mental health. Thank you, Adam, for your guidance and insights. You've made a significant impact on my understanding of relationships and personal growth. You shown me the things, I was not willing to let go off.

[@averagejane09]

This is such an important topic. I just can't understand why more counsellors are not trained in this. I gave up on therapy years ago because it never helped. Not once was attachment theory mentioned. It would have been a game changer. ' I would love to see you give example scenarios of all the attachment styles. I think that would help immensely with understanding. So a scenario problem...this is how a secure person reacts...this is how an anxious person reacts....this is how avoidant reacts...this is how disorganized reacts (I apparently fall into this category).

[@AttachmentAdam]

Unfortunately, most therapists in the US don't get much training on attachment theory. That's not to say NONE do, but it's not a standard focused training for most. Good news - I've got videos on each of the attachment styles on this channel. You can look them up, including my new 50-minute video on anxious attachment style!

[@kle4nz4]

Super advice 🎉 I'm so thankful for your experience in enriching the heart of our community.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for all your support. You're always so encouraging.

[@shantelgray3794]

Can you do the reverse? Attracting avoidant men?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely, avoidant men can be attracted to the initial ease of an anxious person. But that often turns into a feeling of being smothered by needs and expectations.

[@Aiaidee]

Is it possible, that when I move from insecure attachment towards secure and healing...that I find that I don't connect well and match with my old friends anymore?

[@AttachmentAdam]

ABSOLUTELY, I hear this all the time with my coaching clients as they lose tolerance for insecure behaviors and how exhausting that can feel. They tend to crave more secure and intimate connections with new friends and leave their old circles behind. It can feel sad at times, but this is a great sign of growth.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Hmm... sure seems like the anxious person describes an avoidant person and the reverse, just depending on the perspective. I mean from the avoidant's perspective the anxious person seems this way, while in the anxious persons perspective the avoidant person seems this way as well.

[@lovorka3321]

What's my style? I was afraid to taje my soace when I needed it and things I shared he used them against me later on. My ex caused drama when I raised a complaint, he would blame himself or me ni matter how much I told him that I'm not blaming but trying to solve a situation. It was difficult to talk about problems he would feel attacked when I said "Relax" and no cooperation. It was different at the beginning and he changed into person with a lot of contempt and arrogant.

[@faithstephen-esuakpor5659]

Hi Adam. This is amazing stuff. The issue is what do I do if I have genuine needs but my spouse is unwilling to meet them? How do I navigate that?

[@SpeCialeDDoC454]

Sounds a little "sus," from one fake doctor to another. I'll talk to you in a year, Dr. Lane. 😃

[@monikaleszko5343]

if you tell someone how they’ve made you feel and they get angry or defensive. What do you call this ?

[@May-kn2st]

I tried to push back slightly with a friend I’ve had for 30 years. I opened up about my feelings. That I felt hurt by something she said. She blew up at me. It turned into a fight and I’m so upset about it.

[@May-kn2st]

And today, day after our fight she asked if she can use my store discount to buy something. And i agreed because if we weren’t fighting I’d allow it. And she called me angry and emotional so I’m trying to act “normal”

[@AttachmentAdam]

Does she not care about your feelings and just wants you to go back to being convenient?

[@May-kn2st]

She says she cares. She says she’s sorry she hurt me and then said how I hurt her back, which caught me off guard so I requested more information and tried to explain my understanding and she said I should have also immediately apologized like she did. and she needs now to think about if she accepts my apology but she probably will. More back and forth went where I’m trying to get to the root of our different perspectives and she wants to end the conversation because she says it’s going no where and feels the friendship will break if we continue. So I just say I’m sorry and all is forgiven. But I’m feel I’m walking on eggshells with her now.

[@AltruisticWarrior]

​@@May-kn2stsounds like she has borderline personality disorder. Those folks in particular... it's always eggshells. Particularly when you call out ANYTHING about them no matter how valid, how much proof and even with the best intentions. It's rooted in an extremely fragile sense of self where the smallest gust of wind calls that into question. These individuals have very shallow relationships as a result because anyone that gets too close will inevitably start to have these conversations and it never goes well. They're very quick to anger as well. Unfortunately just getting them to acknowledge they need therapy and help knocks on this very same fragile door where again, they'll be quick to rage and ultimately distance themselves, hence shallow relationships. There is practically nothing you can do to save them and they're very toxic people to have in your life. I've been married to this for the better part of 16 years and honestly, it's destroyed nearly everything good about me. Make no mistake, it was my fault for accepting this behavior for so many years. Unfortunately my own traumatic and absent childhood and zero relationship experience beforehand, played a big part in why i accepted these behaviors from my partner. Even something like cheating or letting our son drown on her watch(while requesting me to leave to get her something) somehow gets flipped around to at minimum, not be her fault but generally, be my fault. Trust me, cut your losses. There are so many great people out there and every moment and ounce of time you give her, you're not giving these better people. Feel free to message me if you want. Im glad to see you're setting some boundaries in any case. Unhealthy relationships don't bode well when you do.

[@jjhuffstutler338]

Do avoidant attachment styles seek a hero figure as well or just anxious?

[@AttachmentAdam]

It can depend. Most avoidant people don't believe that's possible. But if someone does manage to convince them they are worthy of trust, that can crack open the door.

[@Nightmare-ob6vs]

why so underrated

[@PassionateSpirit88]

The crazy thing in a BPD relationship is at the beginning everything feels secure and going well...all the things you mentioned...

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes they can, but they can also start to feel like lovebombing (sometimes). Pushing the boundaries and harder conversations earlier can expose the truth underneath much faster.

[@PassionateSpirit88]

@@AttachmentAdam I guess that's what I instinctively did when I questioned my bpd ex about her past and if she is truthful about our relationship and she would go crazy and sometimes violent every time.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

great vid ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks!

[@veltonhix8342]

I've read all of this before, but you paint the entire picture. Thank you so much! Because of how avoidant I am, I would have never known that I'm pretty naturally secure as well. Now I know confidently what I need to keep and what I need to cut out. Thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this was helpful, and that you've got a plan!

[@kpannes1]

Adam, I really respect your work, but in this video you made the anxiously attached person sound like a demon -you compared us to “a toxic vampire”. I’m anxiously attached struggling to become secure with an avoidant partner and I’m kind of hoping that you could do a video for how to help anxiously attached become secure -that’s what I thought this video was about when I first read the title. I thought it might be a video for men and women. Attached people have huge hearts and are very empathetic and I don’t think we are toxic demons looking to suck the life out of them like a vampire.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You definitely got the wrong Idea and I strongly recommend that you watch the last couple of videos!

[@kpannes1]

I guess I was feeling a little beat up by THIS ONE. I listen to all your work and know you’re empathetic to anxiously attached too. This one just got to me I guess- maybe I got a little hurt and defensive about it because I’m hoping MY avoidant doesn’t feel this way about me.

[@neryshart]

Amazing ! Al of your insights are spot on . Never heard it put into words but yeah you got it . Thankyou for the years of studying peoples behaviour and sharing with us 😉

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're very welcome, and I'll keep the insights coming!

[@Detour-2002]

Finding a secure person is none existence… For me people are in general seeking for selfish gratification by gaining your trust.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's unfortunately true that when you have attachment issues, you only connect with people who also have issues, so it looks like everyone in your world is selfish. The goal isn't to meet someone who's a saint but to find someone who is honest about what they need and is happy to provide value in return.

[@PassionateSpirit88]

How do you master a BPD relationship? 😄

[@cactusjackhausen8508]

You don't. You run

[@AttachmentAdam]

Only works if the other person wants to resolve their challenges. Otherwise...

[@AttachmentAdam]

Often that is the only way.

[@ab-gail]

Well. This explains a lot. 😅

[@AttachmentAdam]

In a good way?

[@user-pv2dp4dq8b]

Pro Tip: Building the trust necessary to get someone to hire you... is not really about trusting you as a person. It's not about finding out if you're a scammer or not. When they hire you, they STILL don't know if you're for real or not. It's not trust in you as a person, that you're building.... it's trust in your competency as a professional. You build trust be demonstrating your expertise. You build trust in your ability to solve their problem. If you are a big phony who doesn't have any degree or training...if your real name and story is something else...... not important.

[@jlo1372]

What about 2 avoidants relationships?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I've worked with a number of couples like that. The challenge is getting them both to want to solve the issue together at the same time - otherwise, one of them will have a weak moment or break down and the other will leave them.

[@hectorp7006]

I'm waiting for a man-centric, dating-matchmaking hybrid app

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm curious to see how the next step of dating systems handles attachment, matchmaking, and other features like this using AI and better awareness of relationships.

[@hectorp7006]

@@AttachmentAdam The way I envision it there's no algorithm. Think of "The Voice" for dating. It's man-centric because only male profiles are public (I'm calling it Good Guys Looking😆). Profiles would highlight traits important for matchmaking (values, religion, etc.) Before men can post, they are evaluated by coaches to assess for suitability, preparedness, readiness for dating. The men can then opt to work with this coach as they progress through dating ( working on attachment issues. etc) . Women will also be screened and post profiles which will be private. However, women will then make their profile visible to men they would be interested in dating. (Picture an evening at a bar, he looks at her, she smiles back, he approaches, etc.) This process assures to everybody in the app, especially the men, that members are serious about LTR.

[@martinheidegger6753]

Hey Adam, ever since the pandemic I've lost all my friends, and so the only way I know to meet women is via dating apps. But I've noticed recently that It's made me very "cold" (I'm not sure how to best express it). Although I'd love to form a connection with a woman, I have no "interest" in them. It feels humiliating to have to carry the conversations, say things they want to hear, ask things they want to be asked, and be impressed by things which I am indifferent about. All the things that used to appear cute, now actually make me angry. The last woman that I've met, that I felt some bond with was over half a year ago, I suppose she wanted me to "pursue" her, without giving much in return. I guess I could do all those things if I knew that something would come out of it (besides going on one more date before getting ghosted), but it's been a really long time since dating actually led to anything positive in my life. I'd love to hear what you think!

[@tommihaapanen846]

Feel you man, I'm also alone, 39 yo, and online dating is so exhausting and demoralizing. Nothing happens for a long time and when something happens, nothing comes out of it. I've "quit" online dating 5 times in the last 3 years and I'm so tired of it now. I'm going to try my luck in cold approach, just need to gather the courage to start talking to strangers 😅

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, I hear this A LOT lately. Dating apps seem to be bringing out the most dopamine-bingeing people and leaving those who want authentic connection out in the cold. There are ways to filter your dating app experience but there are also much better ways of dating. Have you checked out my earlier video, "how to actually get a girlfriend"? That may shed some light on what's happening here.

[@Olyaolya131]

Adam Lean Smith...❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there ❤ Did you find this helpful?

[@Olyaolya131]

Much moore than helpfull,knowing abouth this 5 hormons ,the building ore not as a child,to know about differents attachment styles change my whole live,Adam!!! Dont know my attachment style,but I keep watching your videos and give them also to my sister...And you look amazing,beautiful man inside and outside

[@hspinnovators5516]

This is an excellent video, right behind what an Avoidant needs to be happy

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I'm glad you found it helpful!

[@wilarz89]

Attachment styles are awesome, I can see that they blend perfectly with masculine and feminine polarities...

[@AttachmentAdam]

They often do, which is why men tend more toward avoidance and women tend more toward anxious. It's a splitting of behaviors to try to create the illusion of safety when someone feels unsafe.

[@wilarz89]

@@AttachmentAdam Yes but men tend to strengthen their masculinity if they get a secure attachment, women can ease into their femininity if the man is comfortable in his masculine. Both become secure.

[@jonathanvermillion7263]

Love your stuff adam

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you!

[@idreamforever2539]

Best video ever ❤ thank you

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wow, thank you!

[@mailninja6938]

Omg yessss

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad this one clicked!

[@Eskyanolvia]

I believe you and Im learning ❤ Thank you for your lessons

[@mostbeautifulbelovedgarden]

Can you please provide what videos you have specifically for women?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I have a great number of them on this channel, with over 475 videos now. What topics are you most interested in?

[@mostbeautifulbelovedgarden]

@@AttachmentAdam I am a young woman with disorganized attachment, I am looking for more information on how to strengthen my familial relationships and friendships prior to courting for marriage