Autism and Relationships Part 1: Friendships | AUTISM IN GIRLS

[@WeeLin]

"I want to care, but I just can't" - thanks for putting that into words. Friendships are so hard to keep up!

[@OliviaHops]

So hard!! It's so exhausting!

[@PixelatedFaerie]

I related with literally everything you said. I'm 32, undiagnosed but hope to be pursuing a diagnosis. It's been so hard to live like this and I don't have any friends anymore. Thank you for making these videos.

[@OliviaHops]

Thank you so much for watching my videos and sharing a little bit about yourself! I know it can be so hard and I only have one friend left at the moment, and even I don't talk to them much (but that's okay with me). Hang in there, and best of luck with your diagnosis journey.

[@PixelatedFaerie]

@@OliviaHops Thank you so much Olivia. ❤️

[@ericgonzalez6366]

What do you say when someone gives a funny look and asks, 'So, what are you looking for in a diagnosis result?'

[@douglasparvin2780]

Me too. Thank you for your videos. With a lot of prayer & effort I have made great progress over the years, but still find myself struggling with these issues.

[@sarahbeaulieu999]

Going on 45 and waiting for my assessment

[@emilyking329]

So so relatable for me. The bridge burning, severe introversion, getting rid of friends without a second thought, befriending old people and males etc. I won't reply to text messages for months if I'm too drained from someone and get rid of shallow friendships. However I do bite my tongue around strangers and people I don't know well, I'm only brutally honest if it's a close friend and I feel comfortable talking. Anyway really enjoying your videos and learning more about female adult autism, thank you for posting this series 🙂

[@atomicbrunette4699]

Thank you again! You mentioned that you tend to get along better with guys and I totally relate to that. I’ve always wanted but struggled with relationships with other woman. I’ve always found myself struggling to understand what I call the reindeer games of female interaction. When I was a teenager, I used to be so troubled and confused by the way girls would pretend to like another girl but belittle or bully her behind her back. It was a constant game of psychological oneupmanship that no one ever won. It was pointless and it was exhausting...and cruel. Meanwhile, I could go hang out with the guys and they would just say what they meant and meant what they said. I knew where I stood with them. If I did something weird or unexpected, they’d simply call it out, maybe joke about it, but then move on. They provided the concrete feedback that I needed but that I did not get when hanging out with girls. You’d think that would change after your thirties! Nope! I’ve also been called brutally honest. I don’t think I’m brutal; rather, I just think so many others are just so consistently dishonest that in the rare instances in which they hear the truth, it simply feels brutal.

[@maylissbjerke9204]

I relate to this. Never had much girl friends,always had boy friends and connected more with boys. Also old people i like to be around.

[@atomicbrunette4699]

@@CarynGibson-ey1xn Caryn, I’m genuinely enraged that you were treated so poorly by a manipulative predator. You didn’t deserve that. Unfortunately, we Autistics can be preyed upon by manipulative predators because we often struggle with loneliness and/or are willing to distract ourselves with the perceived positives of a person while becoming blind to the warning signs of danger. Actually, this also happens to Neurotypicals with poor attachment styles or trauma. In my teens and twenties, I was victimized by terrible people. I’m uncomfortable sharing the specific details but one person’s treatment of me led to a diagnosis of PTSD at the tender age of 17(!). It was that bad. I still struggle with trusting my own judgment to this day. I hoped you’ve found some healing and I hope you’ve found or will find a person who will treat with the dignity and respect you deserve.

[@joyrichie7943]

Totally agree! I've also witnessed the 'psychological oneupmanship' games you refer to throughout school, uni and work, mostly from other women. It actually is more fun to be alone!

[@ThePalmettoPoltergeist]

It is brutal. I’m finding in the comments section here kindred spirits. High School was hell and Olivia described it accurately. I had one close female friend and male friends were much easier and less exhausting. However at the end of the day I would prefer to really just hang out in my room with music and drawing. I found it soothing and enjoyed it much more over social things.

[@Spudsuzzy2]

My daughters both got on with boys more than girls. Its because when they're younger, girls are often bitchy and have "clicks" but boys are more easy going. Both also used to walk like walking around with the lunch staff rather than playing. Girls would often be friends with them for a short while, then go off and be friends with other kids. They had trouble keeping friendships.

[@neurodimensions7509]

Talking out conflicts also used to make so anxious that I would avoid it at all costs and sometimes have meltdowns. For a while, I don’t even think I realized working out conflict was an option. I’ve burned bridges for both of those reasons. I also have tried to compensate by giving people way too many chances, which leads me to burn the bridge even stronger in the end. I’m working on expressing my feelings as soon as I feel a conflict starting now.

[@kaitlyne1870]

I relate to this 100%! If people got mad at me, I figured they wanted nothing to do with me and I'd move on. Or I'd just have panic attacks and meltdowns over trying to resolve it when I knew I was the reason for the conflict, so I'd just end the friendship and run! A lot of the reason I tend to give people too many chances now is because I have such a hard time judging whether or not I'm reading into the situation too much or being to quick to judge, until it just can't be salvaged anymore, so I do the same thing you said and burn the bridge even worse! It's a tough ballance to find!

[@YesBruv105]

@Andi Miller yeah, but once someone has broken your trust, what is the point of playing along? That's like being friends with anxiety itself.

[@l.b.5814]

Did anyone else inappropriately laugh through this whole video because it was darkly hilarious to you how much you related? This was way better than stand-up to me and that tells me something about my brain. Also, I mean this in the most positive of ways. Thank you, Olivia, for sharing! Videos like these really do have an impact.

[@OliviaHops]

Thank you so much, L. B.! I obviously was laughing darkly throughout the whole video LOL. I'm so glad my videos could be helpful to you. That's the highest compliment! God Bless!

[@solago84]

I'm exactly like you! I've learnt to be a better friend but the cost in terms of energy is huge. I can become your best friend and then I'd be so overwhelmed and exhausted that I can disappear for a week, a month, a year even, and if you take it personally and misinterpret my intentions even though I try to explain that it's got nothing to do with you then I can get you out of my life just like that because the truth is, I have better things to do with my time and I don't care that much in the end. Yet I'm so kind, empathetic and such a good listener after years of observing, learning and mentally reminding myself to do those things that 'work', such as asking people how they feel, holding space for them so they can confide in me, making them feel safe and understood, etc. that I understand it can be confusing (even for me). I've studied psychology, theatre, non violent communication, cognitive science, pragmatic linguistics, language and literature, etc. because all of these are specific interests of mine so I've acquired a lot of social skills. But they come with masking and there's nothing I can do to avoid becoming exhausted in the end. Thank you for another great video! -PS - I'm in the process of getting diagnosed at 37.

[@victoriabernuth9728]

Thank you for your honesty and explanations. It helps me understand my friends better

[@katherinetamarizhoward3215]

Thank you for this. I'm 43, and recently I've begun to realize I might be autistic. I relate to a lot (but not all) of what you said. As a child I always got along better with adults than with my peers. I also get along better with men than with women. Men *are* simpler, in that they say what they mean and mean what they say. Women interact with a lot of subtext that I'm unable to read and I'm amazed at how NT women can do that. I'm terrible at keeping up friendships and I'm a bridge burner too. Empathy is easier for me, but its a learned trait and it still doesn't come naturally. I've been married for 6 years and I love my husband very much. I'm looking forward to part 2 of your relationship videos.

[@tatianagaitan5116]

I am SO confused! I can relate 100% with a lot of the things you are mentioning, but it has never crossed my mind don’t being neurotypical ... I just thought I’m a bad person and felt guilty about it

[@mmhmmmificate]

I really struggle with the bridge burning... Since learning to set boundaries its a bit better but I really find it easy to disconnect completely. Especially after they've crossed boundaries of mine, I usually don't really think twice about deleting them :(

[@mauralombardi9634]

You are the first female I have heard agree with me that it is easier to communicate with males (because they are more concise)! This has caused me major problems in churches, where most people are married. Wives start hovering to see why i am talking with their husbands. It is a major thing! Thanks for being honest.

[@syleenadawn2038]

One thing I want to point out is that I don't think we're ever actually "Anti-Social", it's more like it's a "Socially Anxious" or "Socially Overloaded" which causes shutdowns, mutism, fight/flight etc. I saw a video recently that was shedding light on the differences! Here's a definition of Anti Social in the sense of the actual diagnosis: "Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental disorder in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others." This is definitely much different from what we tend to experience as an autistic in social situations.

[@perryjamail2138]

Hi Olivia! I was also recently diagnosed with autism as an adult just a few weeks ago, and I’ve been watching your videos to better understand what autism is and how adults with autism function. Your videos have been really helpful and I just wanted to leave a quick comment to say that I related to a lot of what you talked about in this video, especially the part about being quick to burn bridges in relationships. Thank you for your incredibly helpful and supportive videos! Keep it up!

[@autiejedi5857]

Another great resource is Autistamatic. He's very good!

[@douglasparvin2780]

Yes, my brain just logically identifies people as either trustworthy or untrustworthy. If I considered them untrustworthy (for something they did or said), then I didn't want to be around them anymore. With close family members, I didn't write them out of my life, just distanced myself from them. It makes relationships very difficult. I wish everyone would just be honest, truthful, & nice with everyone else.

[@charlottestandage2765]

I was diagnosed as being on the gray scale of autism years ago by specialists. But my GP didn't agree, even though he wasn't a specialist. So now I have to go back with that diagnosis and see if I can get help. I have found the exact same problem with maintaining relationships. I burn bridges with nearly all previous friends. I think it's a protective mechanism to protect myself from the energy it takes and from future harm. Although it's possible that they will never harm me. It's so very interesting to see someone just like me. I'm a complete hermit and would rather be alone and I have a twin sister just like me who also finds having friends difficult. Thank you for posting. It's so interesting to hear your struggles. Xxx

[@joyrichie7943]

Most of this video sounds like you're describing me! I'm exactly the same in so many ways. Plus, I don't think you would be a terrible friend at all. You seem self-aware and honest, which are two rare but valuable traits in this world. Keep being you!

[@JaneSmith0709]

I'm so grateful for your videos, Olivia! This is the first time in my life that I'm not beating myself up mentally for not being able to keep up with "normal" people and their expectations. In my half decade of life I have a string of broken friendships and broken career paths. I just couldn't seem to hang onto anything and it made me look and feel irresponsible, narcissistic, and cold-hearted. I'm none of those things, in fact, I'm the opposite of those things, it's just that people become too much for me and my brain shuts itself down. In some ways I feel like it's harder for those of us who are "high-functioning" because more is expected of us. Most people don't know or believe that we're autistic so we are held to the neurotypical standards which we can never live up to. Your videos have made me feel so much better about myself. I've learned to forgive myself for not being able to be what I thought I should be, and accepting myself for what I am. Now if I can just get the rest of the world to do the same.

[@manuebrium19]

My 13 years old has been diagnosed 2 years ago, and it changed everything ! I can honestly say that before that I didn't understand him, now we are so much happyer :) Thank you for your videos, they realy help us neurotypicals!

[@davidsharif2696]

Olivia, this is absolutely spot on. Just because we as autistic individuals would like sometime to be alone and zero in doesn’t make us anti-social. When I was young, I only liked being around very few schoolmates, specifically ones I interact best with and not ones who never gave me personal space. Quite frankly, I liked spending a bit more time with my brothers friends. As hard as it has been for me to maintain friendships with those on the spectrum, I have thrived to build strong friendships with neurotypical people. The summer before HS, I found my forever and always BFF, and learned the magic of ever lasting friendships. With their love and support, I now have worldwide friendships that have empowered me to be more social. Having said that, there are remarkable things that will happen when it comes to maintaining friendships.

[@neurodimensions7509]

My feelings and patterns toward friendships are similar! When I was a kid, my mom would have to force me to keep in touch with friends over the summer. I would have like one sleep over and be like okay I’m done socializing for the whole summer lol. I didn’t realize neurotypical kids spend more time hanging out with their friends than alone until I started researching autism. Also if I don’t find a friend who I can completely be myself with, I’ve always preferred just being alone. It’s frustrating when people think being alone makes me sad because it often doesn’t.

[@Kaitekaite100]

OMG! I do the bridge burning! I am asking my psychiatrist about ASD this week because I've been researching about this for a while and you've helped me gain the confidence to really believe ASD is at least partially fitting!

[@Hadassah7000]

We don't have to be close friends with tons of people, but forgiveness and showing interest in others by asking questions--believe me I know how difficult it is--but we can push ourselves to do the difficult thing. We can grow! Yes you are right at the end--it might not come naturally but we can teach ourselves to be better friends!

[@tessjones5987]

My friend was just diagnosed with Asbergers and she is 72. I am so glad you are so young and have now become of aware of it. Great situation. Happy for you.

[@katia_si]

When I moved in with my bf we didn't know yet that I was autistic. He told me that he was so happy to finally be with me every day. And I answered: yeah but it's good that we have work and studies and friends so we won't get tired of each other. He was offended and asked me how on earth could I come up with such an answer in such a sweet moment. Well, now we know...😂

[@kaitlyne1870]

That's the one way autism is a curse!😆 My poor brother tried to talk to me when his girlfriend's mom made her break up with him (they're teenagers) and he told me "the worst part is I can't even be mad at her, because it's her Mom's fault, not hers." Then they got back together for a while and she decided she wanted to break up with him, so I said "well, at least it's her fault this time so you can be mad at her now." Somehow I couldn't see why that wasn't the right thing to say until after he reacted to it. Oops! Lol

[@Lisa-gh1bh]

Oh guys, I'm reading your comments and I don't see anything weird in it.. Like, it is totally making sense! Once I just started conversation with my boyfriend (we've been together for almost 7 years), imagining that we got married and then divorced and how difficult it is going to be to divide property and deal with legal stuff. And I even asked him what would he take in that situation.. Let's just say, he was not happy about that conversation 😅 I don't see anything weird or inappropriate, but now I know that people usually don't like to talk about that kind of stuff :D

[@sarahkate297]

I am absolutely a bridge burner. You are not alone. I can really only have 1 friend at a time and I have no problem dropping them if I feel like I need to.

[@nicolevalkenburg7232]

Hi Olivia! I got diagnosed with Autism when I was 8. I learned to talk at a very late age. I had tons of speech therapy and finally at age 8 people begin to understand me when I talked. I am very talented in music. Can play the Piano, clarinet and Guitar. I can play any song on the piano by ear with in 30 minutes! For me, since I wanted to be normal I forced myself into friendship and romantic relationships. I learned how to socialize on a very thin level. I grew up with what seemed like a lot of friends, but just felt fake around them. As a young adult I would go to big gatherings multiple times a week , just because I thought that's everyone liked being social. I would often be standing with a group of people not saying anything or just trying to know what to say. A lot of time it seemed like I would cut into conversations that I knew nothing about. During these big gatherings I spent several minutes in the bathroom, feeling like I needed to recharge. I often had wish I had more things to say to them. I spent a lot of time pretending just trying to fit in. In my late 20s. It wasn't until I did some research on Autism that I understood why I was shy and felt like I hardly ever knew what to say. I am very comfortable with my diagnoses now and am proud of what I have become and what I have accomplished.

[@KarmaProsperity8]

I’m confused...if you were diagnosed at 8.. how did you not know about Autism until late 20s.. or maybe I read this wrong or misunderstood something.

[@nicolevalkenburg7232]

@@KarmaProsperity8 yes I was diagnosed with autism at 8, but I didn't understand how autism affected me in different ways until I was in my 20s. I thought I just had to push through my shyness.

[@lekat525]

Me too, Me too, Me too! At 68 I could tell you stories. I can maintain relationships with my 4 kids and grandkids as long as I have plenty of space. With other people, I may visit for a bit and I am ready to go home. And I cannot do women relationships well as they wear me out. Thank you again for just being you♥️

[@OliviaHops]

Thank you so much for watching my video and sharing your experiences! So glad to know I'm not the only one. God Bless!

[@lindakrumenauer1099]

Wow! Same age category. Exactly agree!!!

[@suzannewing7574]

WARNING: I am a 70 yr old autistic female and am VERY much like you, but at my age all my 'older' friends that I relate to have passed on and life is very lonely and I don' feel like I fit in this world. Blessings to you

[@emilysmiley8437]

Sending you good vibes ❤️‍🩹

[@melissamendez3555]

God bless you sister

[@Abishhhhh]

I’m so sorry ;( their spirits and memories are always alive though ❤ they aren’t gone, just transformed :)

[@noelgibson5956]

It's funny that you have these traits, yet still have a boyfriend. I'm a 52 yo male Aspie who outside of the work arena, just enjoy my own company. I live alone, enjoy nature, hiking and cycling plus reading. I don't drink or own a car. I thrive on the simple life with boundaries and a comfort zone. I was once in a car with a colleague when he knocked a lady over whilst speeding. I suddenly found myself in a world of cops, courts and lawyers through no fault of my own, and it nearly destroyed me. I have some rules in life:- be honest, be careful, and when in doubt, don't go there. Being alone is great because let's face it:- most people are imbeciles!

[@OliviaHops]

That last sentence couldn't be more true! LOL! Especially these days. I'm sorry you had to go through that experience. It sounds absolutely awful. I would have been ruined, too. I can't even imagine. I've never even been pulled over and I'm so scared to be.

[@minkmaiale9156]

@@OliviaHops I'm Autistic, and being pulled over is the worst, WORST experience. It's like being abruptly thrown into a social interaction with zero time to mentally prepare, little (or no!) experience with how to mask for it, and the most demanding and severe expectations ever. All with the knowledge that if you don't perform correctly, there could be actual legal consequences. I would be more comfortable meeting the Queen of England!

[@kaitlyne1870]

@@minkmaiale9156 at least if you met the Queen of England, there would be very strict rules that would be fine over in great detail well in advance. Basically a "Masking Script"! The autistic dream! 😆

[@pw510577w]

There's a saying, if idiots could fly, this place would be an airport. I had a few sleepovers as a child. Sometimes I went to a friends place, sometimes they came to my place. When they did come to my place, they gradually became less interested in playing with me, and ended up playing with my older sister. I did not know what to do. I can remember going to kindergarten for the first time too, suddenly being with a lot of other children. I did not interact with them, I did not make friends with them, and I still don't know how to. How do neurotypicals do this? Starting a new job was hell, I was already hyper anxious, new surroundings, lots of new people, trying to remain calm and be the perfect employee. Throw into this toxic mix the arsehole that invariably is a part of every organisation. Instant dislike of me, instant demeaning comment, instant bad mouthing me to other employees. In other words, the classic bully from school, who is now in the workplace. Yet when things don't go their way, and eventually their behaviour is questioned, they throw a massive hissy fit, blame other people, then threaten to leave, as if they think they're that important.

[@noelgibson5956]

@@pw510577w Bullies are generally only as bad as you let them get away with being. This guy at work was yelling and swearing at everyone for a while......until I came out and screamed at him at the top of my lungs to just shut up! He's now fine with me, and everyone else. People's stress and bad moods spread around, and causes a generally bad vibe among everyone.....and should be tackled. When you're bullied, you mostly blame the bully........ because they're just an asshole, but you also partially blame yourself for not standing up. Standing up is the key.

[@isadoramuller5590]

Me from 3 years ago thought I was a horrible friend for thinking this way. I get tired of people, and want my own space a lot. But me thinking that I was bad and trying to get better just led me to fall into a manipulator's hand, a friend that told me he'd help me be a better friend, but just abused of my kindness and used that as a way to get me not to leave. For 3 years I went above and beyond to try and do what this person told me was "normal", but was just him wanting attention. Fortunately I stopped talking to them about 3 months ago. I've been so much happier and now I understand that this is just how I am.

[@jimb0wie]

Dear Olivia, your videos are so helpful. I’m a 50 year old dude and am being assessed for Asperger’s. So much stuff you’ve been sharing, I can relate to. Honestly, I’m feeling a bit better about myself after watching a bunch of them. Thanks so much.

[@cliffybrewster2535]

Listening to your description of yourself, I couldn't help thinking "How do you know my wife so well?!" It's almost as if you know her better than she knows herself. We're in our 40s, have three young kids, two of whom were diagnosed with ASD. We've recently separated and I'm now struggling with work while taking care of our kids by myself. It's only after our separation and finally convincing her to attend marriage counseling that it was suggested she might be on the spectrum as well. The more I educate myself or watch videos such as this one the more confident I'm becoming that her undiagnosed Autism has been at the heart of the majority of the strife and miscommunication in our relationship. I wish somehow we had known earlier, but so many bridges have been burned, and so much damage has been done, that I'm no longer sure if our relationship can ever be repaired. Our kids need and want their mother, and I want her to be a part of their lives, but she seems content spending the majority of her time alone on her own. She checks in with them for an hour or two a week out some sort of sense of duty, but even that sometimes seems a chore to her. I had always felt that the way she interacted with them or rather failed to interact with them, bordered on emotional neglect. This increasingly became a major sore point in our marriage. The stress of raising kids also led to more and more meltdowns, many of which seemed unreasonable and baffling to myself and the kids. I felt like we were constantly tiptoeing around on eggshells in an effort to avoid triggering another episode. Now that I have a good idea where this was coming from though, I am torn. I feel guilty for all the resentment I have been harboring for so long and feel sorry for how stressful everything must have been for my wife. I think we could have done a lot more had either of us known what we were dealing with early on. Anyway, I have a question for you if you don't mind answering. Have you given any thought to having children and if so how do you feel about them personally? Is it something you want for yourself? Do you feel comfortable with kids or feel that you can relate to them? My wife had always wanted children for some reason, but appears to have very little if any motherly instinct herself. I think perhaps the idea of having kids was attractive, but the reality of living with loud, emotional, little disruption machines, who can't express themselves with words, was just too overwhelming. Thank you so much for your insight and honesty in these videos. They have given me a lot of much needed insight and perspective. Looking forward to your next release.

[@cammie49]

As a Mom on the spectrum having an autistic daughter, I can tell you this is the hardest thing and it almost broke me. As a toddler, she had up to 15 tantrums a day due to sensitivities to sounds, textures, light, smells etc. At Sunday school she’d hide in the closet. At school she had no friends. She was well behaved at school ie quiet and followed rules so she went under the radar. In 10th grade she got diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD and got on Ritalin so she was able to talk in school for the first time. I was masking for me AND having to mask for her…basically covering for her and hiding her meltdowns etc. I had to be her PR person at all times. I had her at age 37…so I had found ways to cope with my weird self but I cried every day and was mentally and physically exhausted. I had my son at age 40 and he is very dyslexic plus ADHD so he had trouble at school but was incredibly easy compared to my daughter. People saw my son as the problem but saw my daughter as pretty and quiet ie no problem. They had no idea the hell I was going through at home as she only ate white bread and white cheese and ruined her digestive track. At least by age 6 she quit hitting me and giving me black eyes during her meltdowns. People at the grocery store thought I was an abused wife! Luckily my husband let me run away from home twice a year. I’d fly to FL by myself for 3 days. Time by myself to recover from the stress. Now she’s 24 and can’t handle the office environment. Has computer science degree but unemployed. Sigh. All that work… My sisters were smart and didn’t have kids.

[@karenhorn-jansen5757]

Thank you very much for your candid videos. I really appreciate your POV and your ability to reflect on your younger years. My elementary-aged daughter is an HSP, like you, and my husband and I are working toward having her assessed for possible ASD. So much of what you discuss is relatable to my daughter's behaviors, and as her mom I really am so, so grateful for the extra bit of insight your videos provide. ✌

[@victoriajohnson3034]

I have no problem burning bridges. When i walk away i never see or speak to them again. Often i never think of them again.

[@WudEvZ]

Hey I just wanted to say THANK YOU. For most of my life I was in special education classes as a mystery undiagnosed kid struggling with some sort of cognitive disorder. Much, much later in life I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar and/or Borderline Personality Disorder with Severe Anxiety and Depression. Not one therapist can figure it out, because Bipolar and Borderline cannot exist together. So recently I have explored Autism and it just fits, I feel free reading about symptoms. Your videos, I binged, have freed me and I relate to your experiences so much. I'm going to push through for my own diagnosis ♡

[@Catlily5]

I was diagnosed with borderline and bipolar at the same time. Then they dropped the borderline. A while later they diagnosed me with Autism. I am glad you found where you fit better! Good luck with getting diagnosed!

[@tracirex]

Your experience is my experience except I'm 58. I have one friend left from highschool and one husband. Im happy with that.. Easy to manage.

[@OliviaHops]

Yes! That's me!! One friend left from high school and my boyfriend. We're twins! Thanks for watching my video.

[@kayjay-kreations]

58 too just working this stuff out about me......no friends no husband 2 adult kids and 4 grand babies and dad that's it....that's enough but I feel bad I cut family off

[@taraa1949]

Totally relate. I have to remind myself to ask my friends questions and talk about their lives. It is always unnatural and awkward...when I do have a moment to shine in the friend department I will latch onto it and run with it...for example my friend is having a baby...so gender reveal party, shower, anything she doesn't want to plan, I will run with it and have a million options for her...its kind of how I make up for those moments of being a crappy friend because I'm just not great at it. I also get along with older individuals better and I am obsessed with cats, so I have been able to make a few friends in my local cat community because that is a topic I could elaborate on, talk on and engage in with no effort at all and those are the people that also can do that. My other friends and family are not obsessed with cats and sometimes have to remind me of that. So it's good that I was able to find a cat community to be a part of. I can also relate to the bridge burning thing, I did this so hard in middle school and high school that I literally did not have one friend. I became an expert on disappearing within the high school. No one saw me and thats exactly how I wanted it. I still did this into my mid 20s, but then was able to find value in friendships. To this day, I still have to stop myself when ideas of just walking away enter my brain and I am always glad that I stick it out, it just takes effort.

[@kaitlyne1870]

OMG, I feel so called out with this video! 😆 I relate so much to, like 90% of this! At the same time though, it's so disheartening having such a hard time forming and maintaining relationships. As difficult as it is to put in all the work to build and keep those relationships, it's awfully lonely without them. I also remember having a hard time with sleepovers as a kid. My cousin was the only one who could sleep over at our place a lot (sometimes she would seriously stay a week or more at a time!). It probably helped that she was friends with my older sister just as much as with me, honestly she was more like a sister herself, so she could sort of be left to her own devices rather than needing me to entertain her the whole time. But I couldn't handle sleeping over at anyone else's house (including that same cousin's) until I was a teenager! I would have the worst anxiety attack and usually have to be taken home in the middle of the night. I don't even know why my mom, Aunt, or cousin even continued to let me try to spend the night at their place throughout my childhood! It always ended the same way until my teens. And even then, I just got better at coping with the anxiety and lack of sleep well enough that I could just entertain myself all night while everyone else was asleep. My aunt and uncle never had a problem with me being up, watching TV still when my uncle would get up to go to work. After a while they were just like "you haven't even been to sleep, have you?" And just shrug it off. Lol

[@Fjertil]

Yes, several people stopped greeting me for several years after some honest criticism. It was a hard lecture getting know, that honest must still be polite.

[@MsCheesemonster13]

If I have promised to spend time with a group of people, it hangs over me and fills me with dread. I then try desperately to find excuses not to go. My happiest time is spent on my own, either organising my photos and videos on my iPad, planning walks on my Ordnance Survey maps (I love maps), or learning Italian. I felt so guilty during Lockdown as I didn’t miss other people at all, and I thought I must be a horrible person. As you said, Olivia, spending time with others is so exhausting, and most of the time I find it very hard to cope.

[@nightyew2160]

Me, too. 2020 was the second best year of my entire life. I finally felt like the world had slowed down to my pace.

[@i_am_processing_]

Resonated with much of your experiences. Sometimes I am people averse. It’s hard to deal with overwhelm, and I also have RSD. Small talk can feel a bit uninteresting. I feel terrible as well, but I think people who understand us and still wanna stick around are worth it. If people reject us for being difficult or “snobby”, I try to see it as being a filter. No one gets liked by 100% of everyone else. If they did, then they’re not being authentic.

[@lisawanderess]

I definitely prefer to be alone and also get grumpy after being too “peoply” and masking big time is EXHAUSTING! Ever since I’ve been a little kid, I’d wander off by myself and go spend time in nature to cope. It’s still my #1 coping strategy. Oh, and yes, I’m absolutely a “one strike you’re out” friend too!

[@SketchingWithSarah]

You are such a joy I can’t handle it! You brightened my day keep being you!

[@Savitar95]

I could relate to every thing that you said and i had one of those light bulb moment like you know when you realise something them wonder why you didn't pickup on it. When you mentioned burning bridges and one strike policy. Like the time my neighbour who i thought was my friend laughed at me when one of his friends tripped me up and my " friend" didn't tell him too stop and that really annoyed me.

[@renfox7852]

I'm 28 and not diagnosed, though im hoping to get assesed soon. I too burn bridges, I'm a loyal friend but when I notice that I'm the only one putting in effort, which is very exhausting, or when the friendship becomes toxic I'm not afraid to end the connection.

[@mommaA505]

I am not diagnosed but my assessment is in a couple weeks. I haven’t been able to keep friends as a kid I a new friend every school year over the summer I lost the friendship. Now as an adult I don’t really have many friends I do have one friend that I have known since elementary that lived in my neighborhood but we didn’t become close friends until high school but we don’t talk much because we both have family and are busy. I am now married and have 3 kids and so does she. I am excited to hear about your relationship with your bf. I never thought I would get married because I had so much trouble with relationship and usually got taken advantage of. But I we have are happily married for 9 years.

[@OliviaHops]

That's so awesome to hear that you are happily married for almost a decade! You sound just like me. I only have one friend left and my boyfriend. I never thought I'd get married either. I'm excited for you to watch next week's video because I'd love to know how much you relate to it!

[@christopherpoon5158]

Thank you for this. Seriously, thank you. Stuff happened and I'm finally getting off my butt to get myself diagnosed. I stopped questioning myself as much, once I found your videos, yesterday.

[@Nepthu]

I've recently become suspicious that my best friend is autistic. He was a caregiver for several years and would come to my place as his sanctuary. Now that he has more time, he never reciprocates and never has empathy for my problems even though I would listen to his for years. I noticed he stims and other than his brother, I'm his only friend. He often tells me he doesn't care to have friends. I feel like I've invested a lot of time and good memories into fool's gold. This video tells me to run from autistic people because you'll never mean much to them. My friend tells me I'm like a brother, but then treats me cold.

[@nataschalully3646]

I hear you! I can connect to practically everything you are saying! So glad that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Looking forward to more videos. Cheers from Belgium!

[@PRikka]

I relate to many of these things. Relating more with older individuals and males is still true for me, as is 'burning bridges' and having trouble investing time and energy into keeping in touch to 'normal' standards A couple of things I think are worth considering: 1. There is a distinct difference between antisocial and asocial. You seemed to be describing the latter, while calling it the former. This seems to be a common misconception. 2. A lack of empathy in general is a stereotype about ASDs that can be harmful. An explanation of the differences between cognitive and affective empathy might be helpful.

[@Catlily5]

Other vloggers talk about the different types of empathy.

[@moondragon3753]

And here I thought I was a bad friend or there was just something wrong with me. I've been binge watching videos on autism non stop since Friday and realized I may have autism because I relate sooo much it kinda scares me. It also gave me so many flashbacks to when I was a child and growing up; made me realize that the world and life wasnt hard on me, it was just the misunderstanding of how I worked. I'm my own Normal ❤

[@isabelhiggins3087]

Hi, I have a good friend who is currently on the road to a diagnosis in Autism, she has a lot of the same traits as you. I wondered if you could make a video that could describe how to be a friend to someone with similar difficulties to you, how to be supportive and understanding.

[@OliviaHops]

Thanks so much for this comment, Isabel! That's a fantastic video suggestion. I will add it to my list of videos to make. Thank you so much for watching and wanting to be a better friend. That's amazing. I wish your friend the best of luck on her autism journey!!

[@Stella_Blue1972]

Just found your channel and oh boy sister you got me pegged. It's lonely but not, at the same time. I don't know how to properly do friendships and wish I could apologize to all the people I've cut out of my life. I am a bad friend.

[@fx2697]

Hi Olivia, I have a question for your next video. Can you be yourself when you’re with your boyfriend? Meaning not masking, and what does it look like? Thank you for your videos. I’ve learned a lot from you.

[@sheilaopatchen2267]

OH MY GOD!!! Now I feel like maybe I should go to a dr to see if I am undiagnosed. Most people that know me, know that I’m a bit weird and VERY antisocial. The ones that don’t know me, couldn’t really care any less. BUT it took me a LONG to get to where I was ok with who I am. I feel like if I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum, it would explain so so much.

[@AllegraHayward]

If you do a video on romantic relationships, I would like to hear your opinions on Netflix's Love on the Spectrum. It follows the journeys of people with ASD who want to find a partner. If you've seen it, how would you compare/contrast it to your romantic life?

[@niccilefevre]

I do the bridge burning but its usually in the vein that I'm "protecting" the person because I know I'm really bad at being friends (I have to spend most of my energy just taking care of myself and I have trauma so its very hard for me to keep up friendship maintenance) and I dont want to hurt their feelings down the road (I have far too much empathy). I also just in general am clueless about friend things so Id need a handbook to be a good friend, a lot of the things ppl need dont already exist in my head (ie when ppl text what do they talk about? for how long? Do I wait for others to start a convo? When do you know a text convo is over? What do ppl even do when they "hang out" etc)

[@crisdawn4288]

Your transparency is beautiful💗Thank you Your helping so many souls Light&Love your way✨

[@smjmommy1268]

Hi I am finding your videos so helpful in understanding how my daughter feels. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[@saphyrelilly666]

I've been watching quite a lot of videos on women with Asperger's as I truly feel I am on the spectrum and this video could have been made by me. Especially the part with burning bridges and cutting people off. This video makes SO much sense to me, so much sense. Thank you. Your personality is so adorable by the way!

[@kathrynburnham3983]

Me too

[@brittabrunstrom5183]

Thanks you very much for your videos, I can really relate to them and many things resonate (in spite of being already 61 year old). 1 little tip (and also to other Aspergers and introverts): you could try to moderate your speach and performance a little; short breaks between sentences and chaptures, divide and compose into several sections with small breaks between, articulate clearly then you will also automatically speak a little slower and clearer. You can "train" this by recording on your cellphone or computer and listen (and look if you make a video) to yourself. I can also strongly recommend joining a Toastmasters Club, it is a safe, secure and relaxing way to improve your performance skills and also learn from other members. Nobody laughs or make fun of you, it is almost 100 % sure to be positive criticism; you are supposed to learn and improve together (the opposite of "traumatic" school experiences!). I also recommend Toastmasters to other fellow Aspergers and introverts. I should know - I am very introvert with poor performance skills but even I have learnt to actually enjoy performing! They are to be found in almost every city in USA, can also be found online. I live in Northern Europe but still found a club in my hometown. Looking forward to the next video!

[@withyoctopus]

Hanging out with the aunts and uncles instead of the cousins. I did that, too.

[@ohhhitsalyyy]

Something I've been wondering is, for those with ASD and sensory issues who are dating a neurotypical person, how do you navigate physical affection/ intimacy? It seems hard to balance sensory issues and satisfying the needs of a person who appreciates physical displays of affection.

[@OliviaHops]

Hey Aly! Thanks so much for bringing this up. I'm definitely going to go over it in next week's video on romantic relationships because intimacy and affection are extremely hard for me to do because I don't like either.

[@ohhhitsalyyy]

@@OliviaHops thank you for going over this!! I struggle with this a lot so I’ll be sure to watch!

[@sarahbeaulieu999]

I'm 45 and waiting for my full assessment. Knew I had ADHD but never felt quite like I fit in. I have worked in group homes and day program much of my adult life. While getting my kids assessed I finally realized a lot of my coping skills were not things everyone did and were part of my masking.

[@kimmccray9385]

wow. the part about preferring the company of males is so true. I always felt more comfortable hanging out with boys when I was young. I loved being a cheerleader, but hated the other cheerleaders, if that makes any sense. And even today, I get along better with men than women. You're right. They are lesss complicated.

[@rubycubez1103]

I'm definitely with you on the one chance! Once someone rubs me the wrong way, I start distancing myself.

[@cammie49]

I’m 61 and realizing I’m on the spectrum. I have 2 adults children in their 20s. All my Mom friends had ASD kids. I used to wonder about that. Now I realize it’s because these Moms were on the spectrum…very smart with “male type” direct communication style. Like me, none of them wore makeup and we all had children with similar issues…picky eaters who had trouble making friends and trouble doing normal things like taking a shower. I realize from this video how often I have dropped Mom friends for small things like one got a yappy dog I could not tolerate. One of my good friends recently dropped me. Not sure what I did but I often say the wrong thing (or a rude thing) so not sure why I was so hurt. I realize now that she is probably on the spectrum and I became “too much” because of my ADHD. She admitted once that she often drops friends. It’s nice to know it’s an ASD thing so I feel less bad about doing it…and having it done to me.

[@cassieltomesek]

Everything you spoke about, I relate to 100%!!! I am being assessed for autism in February and my son has just been diagnosed with autism. Thank you so much for sharing! 🙏🏻.

[@kaylabryant3551]

I was diagnosed with PDD less than a year ago, but bc they tried to prescribe me anxiety medication, I thought PDD was a specific anxiety disorder. This week I learned that it is part of the autism spectrum, and I’m going to hopefully see a psychiatrist and do neuropsychological testing soon to further understand. So I really appreciate you making these videos as another adult female in their 20’s who was diagnosed later on ❤️

[@jamieloonam1]

Yeah, this is me. There is a former friend I apologized to for not being a better friend, but it didn’t make me want to try harder!!

[@ginabringuel8247]

I relate so much to this! When I go into an interaction with people it is so much easier if I have a clearly defined purpose for the interaction and my brain likes it if I can label a person as a resource for certain information or define my purpose for continued interaction. I enjoy interacting with people that exude a certain level of intelligence and when they do one little tiny thing that my brain can't handle (stupid slang, baby talk, wrong word choice, poor grammar etc.), I feel like a switch is flipped and I lose all connection or interest in the person - friendship/interaction killed. They immediately engender this cold feeling as if they have just become a cardboard cut-out. I kick people out of my life to preserve my mental health and wellbeing all the time. Friendships are completely exhausting and emotionally overwhelming and confusing.

[@MmmmmmmmmmmMm15]

Thank you for making this one part one instead of the other one. It’s the correct order

[@Mar10la]

A question for next week: how does it work in your romantic relationship when there are incidents? Is your boyfriend easier to forgive and let go for? Why do you think that is? Me as not diagnosed but certainly recognizing traits, I feel only romantic relationships do not cost me that social adaptation and energy. But when a boyfriend lets me down on one issue, it's hard for me to not be disappointed in his whole being (same as with other people). Btw, despite that feeling, I am not quick to burn bridges I think. I get really attached to people and will just be heartbroken that someone 'did something to me'. Because I am so attached, I will generally get over the issue in time.

[@OliviaHops]

Thanks so much for this great question, Mariola! I'll definitely make sure to answer it next week.

[@lindseyedward9775]

Sorry for the grammar. No time to go and correct it, plus my phone drive me crazy. It’s always trying to select the whole thing instead of letting me just tap where I wanna be and I have to tap the thing like 1 billion times just to get it right next to the word I need it to be at! Lol Example

[@ktkat6887]

I can relate with pretty much everything you said. I recently 'let go' of a friendship because everyone kept asking if we were a couple. Which made no sense to me because for I just moved recently and didn't know him long enough to consider dating him to my opinion these were people who clearly knew him. On top of that I am currently NOT dating at all na da. So it was just frustrating for me. On top of that he asked me if I was available (with more words). And I told him I wasn't dating and he actually took it very well and kinda nonchalantly agreed to just be friends. But people kept asking if we were dating and he could tell it was bugging me and our conversation weren't really rewarding so I kinda just started avoid him. This was longer than I thought it would be so as long as you're here have a treat, on me 🍿🍪

[@AlbastrelAlbastrica]

I never thought of myself as being on the spectrum but I recently took a quick evaluation that helped me realize I have some traits. Also, your particular perspective is one I can identify with in a great majority of cases e.g. Without knowing why for a long time, Preferring 1:1 interactions, quality interactions, comfortable in a group of people who know me and weary at large group events unless I can connect with someone/discuss a topic of interest in a meaningful way, ease in moving on when a friendship isn’t serving me are some examples.

[@juliedepaolo9971]

Hey thanks again for another great video. Now I understand why my 8 yr old granddaughter ignores her friend at the roller rink. They both are excited to be there together (at first) and in a short time, my granddaughter takes off and skates on her own. They have a nice time in the car afterwards on the way home.. laughing and giggling and playing around for 10 min...until we drop her off and that's when my granddaughter plays really hard for a few minutes with her friend, says "bye", and then hardly has anything to say.

[@victoriajohnson3034]

My limit if maxed is 2 hrs! Usually grumpy after about 45 minutes

[@user-dq2ym1nn9k]

I relate so hard!!!!!!!!

[@kristenscott3004]

All of this. Same. Not asking about peoples lives because low key I don’t care. I want to, but I just don’t know how to force myself. What’s weird is people want to hang out with me (lots of people), but I just get overwhelmed cause it’s too much effort for me to pretend to understand about their life. And I think it’s exhausting because I know I can’t say what I want to say without social consequences. I feel this entire video haha

[@nightyew2160]

Sometimes you don't have to say anything. People actually might like it better if you're not saying anything due to not knowing what to say. In their minds, you are being a good listener, and they get to talk more. They probably don't realize their lives are boring to you.

[@pnwnewsinfo]

You are a younger version of me. I can literally show people your videos and tell them, "imagine this is me." The only difference I've found so far is that you have good facial recognition skills, I do not. Thank You!

[@TheRebekah1967]

I hate it when l think l am spending time with a friend alone and it includes others..

[@minkmaiale9156]

I relate to this SO intensely- I've never heard someone express this specific aspect of the 1-on-1 socializing thing.

[@TechieSewing]

So much tthat! Or when we are alone but it includes sitting through a phone call two times a hour for about 7 minutes each time, feeling awkward and not knowing what to do with myself.

[@betsywoolbright8059]

Really preferring older people and males. YES! (As friends.) Me too!

[@stellad9924]

I can definitely relate but haven't been diagnosed.. With the giving advice thing to friends or expressing myself I've learned that it's ok and you don't have to hold yourself back so long as you go about it the right way. For me it helps to state my intentions clearly incase I don't come across the way I want to and accepting that sometimes people will react and make mistakes too no matter how hard you've tried to do the right thing (after all were all just human)

[@leslieyancey5084]

I know this is an old video, but I related to so much of what you said! Preferring the company of older people to people my own age, preferring male friendships to female friendships, etc. Growing up, I would be reprimanded for “throwing away friendships” and “burning bridges” so easily. My sister is the complete opposite, so I would often be compared to her. My dad would often say, “(Sister) would do anything to hold on to a friendship, and you need to be more like that!” Well, I would if I could, but my brain’s just not wired that way! Thanks for making me feel like not such a weirdo after all! 😅

[@clareybob_AuDHD898]

Wow! I can relate to quite a few things of what you covered. The main one was being Honest with people in order to help them! I did this to an online friend a while ago & it didn't go down well 😳😔 Thankfully we are still online friends 😆 Thanks for the great content x

[@OliviaHops]

I've done the same thing, Clare! But I can't just sit back and lie. I'm sure you feel the same. Thanks for being my online friend :)

[@lindseyedward9775]

I think I was misdiagnosed as a child with bipolar 2. I only saw that psychiatrist for about an hour and only one time! That’s when I was 15 years old. Now I’m 33. And honestly makes me feel physically sick listening to some of the things that you say, and the reason for that is because I can relate to a few things you mention and the other thing is I just want to know , how do you know yourself so well? I know you’ve mentioned that you were reading a book, maybe that’s what I need to do. I don’t have the resources to go and get myself tested for autism but I’ve read so much about bipolar two, I’ve listened to an audiobook about a personal experience, and it just seems like with my life experiences and my own mental illnesses that I relate so much more to autism. And when I started realizing that, I viewed it as a fact In my life I sort of got better? I mean I just was able to handle my motherhood better, and give myself some credit because I’ve struggled so much. And growing up not in a routine way, that’s my biggest challenge! It is very hard for me to develop a routine. It’s like learning to be a different person. Thankfully I’ve been able to do a few things on a daily basis but it feels nearly impossible and I feel like nobody understands. I’m going to believe that that’s not true and believe that there are other women out there but do not have an easy time trying to implement order in their household, when As a child they had no order in their home.

[@skyhighyogi]

Currently self-diagnosed. I can DEFINITIVELY relate to the bridge burner comment.. 😬😅🙃 it’s been a very freeing journey unlocking my brain these last 6+ months.. I’m not sure if I want to pursue a medical diagnosis, but either way I’m grateful to have a direction to begin to heal. 💞✨🙏 May Abba bless all who read this. 🌈🌱

[@marceasusanna7749]

I loved it that you said you can't fake it I can't either and that's when I get called blunt and insensitive and I just think I'm being honest but apparently others don't see it that way that confuses me I think it's better to be blunt than fake it. I prefer people to be blunt like I am because then if things are clear and I am not confused with ambiguous comments

[@michaelandrews5771]

I seemed to get on better with females in particular tomboys. They seemed to find me, and I got on so well with them. Also, I do not like demanding relationships people that are too clingy. I need a lot of me time. I have never been in a relationship and decided at the age of 16 I never wanted to get married. I endured a lot of peer pressure when I was growing up that I should be in a relationship, but I knew deep down it wasn't for me. I was late diagnosed with autism at the age of 47.

[@Amgirl03]

❤ can relate to a lot of this! Thank you! My spouse is also Nero divergent😊

[@valchester2571]

this is literally my life. I've stopped letting people close if I notice they're trying to be friends with me because I can't be bothered to make myself care about them when I initially just don't and I don't want to lure them in and then be a bad friend so I'd rather not have friends at all

[@lblarisma]

Thank you for sharing. It’s fascinating to see, learn and understand about autism. My daughter is you on the spectrum and this helps Me understand her habits just a bit more. So here’s my question: You said something at the end that even though friendships can come hard you can always try to work at it, learn and improve. Isn’t that the same concept for everything else?! Essentially, anyone having any kind of habit or way of thinking (whether on the spectrum or not) can learn or work to learn and improve (if necessary). Granted, it might be harder to adapt for some than to others but typical people sometime struggle with the same things too and just work to control their reactions as well. At what point can one differentiate between things that can be worked on vs. things that just are and should be accepted as is ?! I hope my question is not too confusing. Thanks again for doing these videos, they are very insightful and helpful. (Oh and also, could you maybe do a video of “had you known about this in the past, what would have been different , would you have sought or wanted ABA therapy. There is such a negative rep about it. We’ve never been through one ourselves so don’t quite get it, but would like to understand from your perspective in hindsight...)

[@onethronetorulethemall5416]

Olivia thanks so much for sharing. Your channel is great and the way you describe everything is super helpful. I can’t wait for the relationship video as my girlfriend is asd1, and there’s not a whole lot of informational videos out there. Keep up the good work!

[@lilycat1694]

I have never been officially diagnosed as being autistic, but certainly have many of the characteristics.

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Aw, I feel you man! A key reason why I am afraid to make new friends is because the majority of people seem to have to always spend THE ENTIRE DAY TOGETHER . . . like 6+ hours!! Gah! 😫

[@andrejka_talking_out_loud]

What inspiring honesty and self knowledge. God bless you, yours and all.

[@missgrinch5940]

Omg this 1000% me. Every part of it. I'm brutally honest to a fault. I've never had many close friends in my life and find it difficult to ask others about how they are doing and/or feeling. If things get emotional and/or stressful in social situations I will completely shut down. I will think about it later on after the fact and I feel awful about it. I want to have friends but I also don't want to socialize too much unless it's the right kind of situation. I love my alone time very much but at the same time, I still want people around. It just gets too much after a while. This is my depression and anxiety come into play. I'd do anything to just feel normal.

[@karenorgan6203]

8:40 INTJ Door Slam resonated a lot

[@username99171]

I don’t have any idea if you did a video about identity (not gender )struggles for girls on the spectrum but if you didn’t please do

[@OliviaHops]

Hey, Hadeel! Thanks so much for your suggestion. I have not done a video on that. I will add it to my video to-do list!

[@adelarsen9776]

Thank you for making this video. It lines up perfectly with this girl I am trying to date. You have helped me, thank you.