Autism and the Phone| Tips for Tackling Phone Calls

[@whitecatgarden373]

I've lived a half century and I still try to get other people to make calls for me. It's embarrassing, but the shame is a fair exchange to not have to talk on the phone

[@WoodshedTheory]

Well I am so glad you shared with other people so they know they are not alone.

[@9crutnacker985]

'having' to make a phone call is an NT expectation. Asking someone to do that for you is a ND strategy to deal with an NT environment. Please keep reminding yourself that is no cause for for shame or embarrassment - that comes from a lifetime of being 'shamed' for being ND. I know self advocating can be difficult esp when the ableism is on-going. Remember we're different not less. Keep asking for your needs to be met - it's only fair.

[@faeriesmak]

@@9crutnacker985 Thanks for that reply!

[@markday3145]

My wife (non-autistic) and I (autistic) have a deal. Because I hate talking on the phone, and she hates writing emails, she makes my phone calls for me, and I write her emails for her. It's a totally awesome trade! We both get to avoid the thing we really dread, letting the person who can handle it more easily do it instead.

[@jeffreypollan308]

I’ve been phone avoidant all my life, especially when calling strangers - not knowing the type of person I’ll be dealing with. Whether they will be friendly, patient and polite. There are things on my to-do list that involve phone calls, that never get done.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yeah phone calls are pretty tough to handle

[@neurodimensions7509]

Even if a phone call goes well, I struggle to get the timing for hanging up. I either talk over then to say goodbye or awkwardly pause and wait for them.

[@WoodshedTheory]

oh that is another great point I hadnt thought of!

[@whitneymason406]

I don't mind texting or email but actual phone calls stress me out! I'm glad I'm not alone! Have a great weekend Claire and friends! 💞

[@WoodshedTheory]

You too, have an amazing weekend

[@zoebowler5664]

That intense fear when your phone actually rings is so intense! I just don’t answer! I am totally the same, when I used to speak to a friend on the phone I paced constantly. It’s amazing to hear someone put my issues into words. ❤

[@BCSchmerker]

*I hear ya but am hard-pressed to feel ya.* My own hypothumía.

[@WoodshedTheory]

I'm glad you can relate, it helps me not feel alone.

[@zoebowler5664]

@@WoodshedTheory that’s how I feel xx

[@rubycubez1103]

3 times a week (harmony) 🎶 I love this video. I'm 42 and don't like calling ppl at all or even answering many times. I really have to be fully charged and in a very sociable mood to do so. I don't know what to say after the first few seconds so I tend to attract ppl who are excessive talkers. Then I def don't want to talk because I'm exhausted at that point.

[@warmandpugly]

My goodness yes this is relatable!! I too attract the incessant talkers and find myself absolutely drained after a phone call. I do all I can to avoid the phone especially with work. The second I put the phone down I’ve forgotten everything i aimed to remember 😅

[@WoodshedTheory]

I am finally at a point in my life where I give myself permission not to answer a call if i feel i can't do the chat at that moment.

[@heedmydemands]

I think I'm an excessive talker

[@LivingItUp810]

@@WoodshedTheory Yes I’ve done that as well, it feels so good to be able give myself a break without feeling shame and confusion

[@Violetta683]

I like the phone more than in person - I can concentrate better on what needs to be said and don’t need to worry about eye contact or other stimulus. It helps me focus on the conversation. But, I find it really hard to place the call in the first place because I worry I’ll call at a time that’s inconvenient and I’m being a nuisance…even with family members!

[@WoodshedTheory]

Ahh thank you for sharing! I love that everyone is different!

[@queenmotherbug]

When you discussed working at a job on the phones, I really identified with being told that I sound professional on the phone, but also like a robot. I worked at a busy call center for about seven years before being diagnosed, and I always thought it was ironic since I always feel so awkward on the phone and would go to great lengths to avoid phone calls outside of work.

[@WoodshedTheory]

yeah it's a little different when you don't have to think - just get the script out - maybe?

[@LadyJennivieve]

I’ve never thought of note taking as stimming, but it makes so much sense. I take prolific notes during meetings. And if I’m not writing notes, I’m drawing flowers and swirls. For phone calls, I write down the questions that I need to get answered. And since I got AirPods, I’ve become a prolific pacer 🙂

[@WoodshedTheory]

I am the same it helps me focus

[@JAMESGREGORYKULP1985]

Hello Claire. And I hate talking on the phone as an Autistic person. And I also have a speech impediment I stutter really bad when I try to talk. And I cry when I can't even get a full sentence out without struggling with stuttering. So trying to talk on the phone is a nightmare for me. My family has been trying push me to go to speech therapy. And I have said NO!

[@WoodshedTheory]

Hi James, if you do feel comfortable, i did speech therapy when I was younger, but it should be your decision. Luckily we don't need to make calls as much anymore. Have a great weekend.

[@JAMESGREGORYKULP1985]

@@WoodshedTheory I don't want to do speech therapy. And I have told my family NO over and over again. And oh okay. And I am glad speech therapy was good for you and I am glad it helped you. And yes we are very lucky that we don't need to talk on the phone as much anymore. With texting and emailing. And okay and I will have a great weekend. And you and your husband have a great week to. And I will see you next week. For porch coffee.

[@passaggioalivello]

Phone calls are one of my biggest challenges. That's why I don't own a smartphone. Luckily I make just a few phone calls each year, and I always prepare a script with different scenarios depending on every possible answer. And I also sound like a robot, but this happens in real life too. A stuttering robot.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Well we can all be stuttering robots together my friend

[@heedmydemands]

That would be a very curious robot

[@originalvonster]

Thank you Claire. Sounds like we coped with being on the phone in a very similar way. I used to write everything down too and had the exact same tone every time too. I can still remember my opening inbound script. I don’t pace though, I might try that. I also used to be on the phone a lot for work. One of my jobs didn’t allow us to go into (“after call work” as they called it - a button to press to not get any calls temporarily) so the calls were constant. We were very busy. It was complicated content, but I still managed to have a script for every possibility eventually. I’m scared of calls again now I’m not working on the phone constantly. It doesn’t help that my physchiatrist Dr got mad at me for talking over him and said that he will end the call if I don’t listen. He was trying to tell me something worked differently to how I know it’s supposed to work and I got upset. Surely he should understand that I might talk over him? I did say at the start of the call that my counsellor thinks I have autism and I’m awaiting a diagnosis. I’m seeing him for depression and haven’t been ASD diagnosed yet.

[@WoodshedTheory]

UGH That Dr. sounds like.... something not nice. I hope he can understand your autism better in the future because that is just not fair. we are not trying to talk over people and we arent trying not to listen - EXACTLY the opposite. sorry I am getting angry on your behalf.

[@beckyguthrie4787]

Thanks for talking about this. I’ve always dreaded phone calls and have been ashamed of my fear. Now it makes so much sense. I don’t have to be ashamed of it anymore because it’s part of being autistic and it’s something other people can relate to.

[@ShannonTalksYarn]

Great video Claire! I’m on the phone all day and say tons of dumb stuff lol. I used to stress but I’m indifferent now because I did realize no one is thinking about it! 😂

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yeah it helps when you realize no one cares

[@ShannonTalksYarn]

@@WoodshedTheory 💯

[@heedmydemands]

It applies to a lot of small talk situations too, like what u say to a cashier and stuff, no one will even remember

[@T.T.M.60]

I have never liked being on the phone but I do make calls that are necessary, just usually have my husband nearby in case I have an issue. Just having him there is enough most times to get me through the call. I do much prefer emails or texting……great solutions, btw👍😀👍

[@WoodshedTheory]

I love text

[@T.T.M.60]

@@WoodshedTheory me as well! And I don’t mind sending long texts

[@madcow3417]

7:36 forgetting what was said: I used to have a call recorder on my phone, but Google blocked them all (without phone unlocking) a few years ago. Losing that safety net makes the anxiety and forgetting worse. For the past 3 years I've had fairly debilitating anxiety. One of my worst phobias is microphones. I once had an anxiety attack calling an automated phone system. Here's my tips: Someone near you having a phone call can hear your heart beating, you should probably leave the room... quietly. (That's a real fear for me, and I do that. Weird, huh?) For some reason most businesses let you enter a phone number as all 6's when setting up an account. This reduces pointless phone calls. Unless this is your phone number, in which case, sorry. I've also entered the businesses own phone number as my own: let them deal with their own spam. TTY text to speech calls didn't really help: There is still an audio connection with the operator, but you can choose to ignore it. You have to tell someone to tell someone else a thing. It's kind of a complicated frustration. Even if a business has a special TTY phone number, it doesn't answer with text, it's just another person-to-person or text-to-person-to-person call. There are a few ways to practice phone calls. Time lady is still a thing, give her a call. There's also Callin' Oates: the emergency Hall & Oates line. I haven't tried any others, but there are several out there.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Thank you for your tips friend

[@mariamurphy4631]

Closing my eyes has been a big help to me. More energy to focus on the conversation?

[@WoodshedTheory]

Oh that is a great idea.

[@markday3145]

Closing my eyes, closing an office door, making sure there are no strong smells or loud sounds nearby, all help. For me, I think it's a matter of divided attention. I need to reduce the sensory input from my other senses so that I can devote those mental resources on what I'm hearing. That's especially critical if the other person has an accent (which requires even more mental resources to process).

[@FelinaFairyphonic]

Thank you for this video

[@WoodshedTheory]

thanks for your support

[@FelinaFairyphonic]

@@WoodshedTheory

[@michaelmalervy9066]

The only thing worse than an outgoing phone call is an incoming phone call. When I had to make phone calls at my last job I tried to make then as early as possible so as to get them out of the way while I still had the spoons to do so. Either way, the phone was going to create anxiety, so getting it out of the way would at least get it off my mind.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Incoming phone calls are the worst. I keep my phone on silent and screen all the calls.

[@heedmydemands]

Like saving the best for last but the other way around, worst for first

[@markday3145]

The worst is when my wife has been talking to someone on the phone, and they ask her a question that she doesn't know how to answer, but I do (or should). She just thrusts the phone at me without any warning or explanation. That multiplies the anxiety for me.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

great topic!!

[@WoodshedTheory]

I'm always so excited to see your comments on my channel Tay

[@gregoryburne5251]

Fun fact: if I misplace my phone, and someone says I’ll call you and you’ll hear where it is. No! Don’t call, -I’d rather just look for it even though I won’t have to answer it.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yeah I always have the phone on silent

[@CathyThwing]

The phone is probably the hardest thing in my life. I've lost friends because I can't do phone calls. Every time I have to talk on the phone, it takes days to recover. I can't imagine having a career that requires phone communication! The auditory processing is the hardest for me. I think I need visual stimulus to process auditory input. Can we actually ask if it's our turn to speak? Your tips were great! Thanks!

[@WoodshedTheory]

It’s weird cause like sometimes I’m just fine and I don’t think about it and other things about it I struggle - but also when I was a kid I would sit on the phone with boys for hours 😅

[@sueannevangalen5186]

Awesome video. I love these tips, especially the one about writing things down while talking on the phone. Writing is a special interest of mine (life-long). I worked in a call center too, a couple of times, but I can't sustain a call center job for long. I always end up abandoning the job in a state of burnout. One day, I just wake up and realize, "I can't go back there." And because I didn't know I'm autistic when this happened, I felt really guilty about the way the jobs ended for years. They were such crappy jobs but I beat myself up about abandoning them so hard! Now, I am able to be more gracious with myself, just knowing that it's common for phone calls to be really hard for autistic people ☺️

[@WoodshedTheory]

I wasn't quite at a call center but I did have KPIs I had to reach each day. It is really taxing to be on the phone all day, I get you.

[@heedmydemands]

I worked at a call center, I knew there was an incentive to make it 2 weeks but I couldn't do it. How long did u make it? I was cold calling people and trying to sell them magazine subscriptions

[@writerwithagarden]

So many of the things you described reflect my experience too... I watch people's mouths too! ...And I have to make notes.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yes even in lectures I am a big note taker.

[@BCSchmerker]

Speaking o' note taking, I pause and rewind vids at both channels for The Personal Development School® and AllCEUs® all the time - occasionally miss timestamps, need to re-hear an importance. Post the notes in the applicable Comment wall for the benefit of any viewers unfamiliar with the discussed topics.

[@lucyl6425]

Claire I love watching your channel I’ve learned so much about myself through what you experience in life. When the phone rings I panic. Like you I tell everybody to text me. I do think I need to read and process what I read before I can respond. I can’t do that on a regular phone call. I interrupt because I don’t know if and when to speak…and I never know when I should end the call. Big struggles with phone calls, glad I’m not alone.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yes you are not alone at all?

[@peekaboo7424]

I usually tell people they can get in touch with me through text or email. I still get phone calls. Most of the time I send calls to voicemail. If it’s important they’ll leave a message & I can deal with it when I’m prepared.

[@WoodshedTheory]

yeah people usually will revert to what they feel more comfortable with

[@FreehandlyMadeAuCrochet]

I absolutely hate talking on the phone, at my last job I had my 52 school bookkeeper's trained to email me with what they needed and if it was urgent to put it in the subject line so I could prepare myself to call them. I barely can handle being on the phone with my own family! I can text... but even that stresses me out if the text I received is really long. There are SO many reasons why I hate talking on the phone!

[@WoodshedTheory]

I'm sorry it is so hard for you - I think it is awesome that you have figured out what works best for you.

[@zinzimashibini2949]

I hate talking on the phone. I do script the conversation as part of working myself up to do it. I almost always forget some important piece of information anyway. I often pace when talking on the phone too.

[@WoodshedTheory]

I always pace when I am on the phone with my relatives and I dont know why.

[@rosewild7142]

@@WoodshedTheory my current thoughts on pacing- it can aid a NDs “flow state”. It’s basically stimming during a creative process for focus. Your conversations with family are more like “creative expression” as they’re not scripted like you may typically use with work, appointments, etc. and so you require stimming to be able to aid the flow of creative expression. I always thought my family member phone call pacing was just me burning off nervous energy, but then one time while making art instead of sitting I was up running and bouncing around gathering different supplies etc (I thought It was bipolar mania) I had a whole cascade of inspired creation (completely unrelated to art or what I’d been working on, or anything I’d ever even thought about before) all while moving around and scribbling standing, squatting, dancing etc in this state of flow where information and connections just dumped into my head as I moved and acted out the information. Mind blowing. The hard part- trying to keep up with the pace of info dump mentally and still attempt to capture as much of it as you can, kind of like trying to remember all of the the dream you were just having a minute after you wake up.

[@nikkievans284]

I needed this video today!! Thank you!!

[@WoodshedTheory]

Thank you for your support Nikki

[@invisableobserver]

Claire, You are so much fun, I love your singing. I get so overwhelmed & agitated making calls. Cell phones & wireless frequencies cause me to have meltdowns.

[@JayRedding12_12]

I think I will subscribe. You keep posting videos I really like. I'm not on the spectrum, but my daughter is. I definitely relate to a lot of these things. Like talking on the phone.

[@WoodshedTheory]

That’s nice happy to have you

[@istarigreenman8235]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

[@WoodshedTheory]

If I have learned anything, it's that we all have a lot in more in common than we think.

[@bensabelhaus7288]

I got tired of companies etc demanding it and requiring a useless chat system instead of a simple email. So I'm working with the WA state AG on getting Amazon to be accessible.

[@WoodshedTheory]

that is cool that you are working on that

[@bensabelhaus7288]

@@WoodshedTheory It is a lot of anxiety. I just sent a 3 page email to the WA state AG office. Then to all the corps, medical providers, lawyers and agencies that refuse to comply with basic communication. With a notice that the state AG got it first. Hoping for a lot replies after the holidays. We'll see though. Most of them have character limits on their forms and got reported to the FCC. Including reporting the FCC to the FCC for being impossible to email lol If not, state AG is actually taking it serious for now. It's been over a year of pain now, but I will fix this world for my son. Or destroy it and rebuild, but that's even more work lol

[@JonBrase]

Call center work is awesome for getting rid of phone anxiety in your personal life. The job itself, though... Quite stressful.

[@JayRedding12_12]

Another thing I don't like is holding a device up to my face. I use speaker phone a lot. And I'm always doing something so I also need both my hands free.

[@WoodshedTheory]

I also prefer speaker

[@christinebaugh3743]

Loved this!! Thank you!!

[@WoodshedTheory]

Thanks Christine have a nice weekend

[@critters16]

🙂I really needed this!😉 Thank you 🎤

[@WoodshedTheory]

Thanks you made my day

[@DaveTravelsinTime]

I usually hang up the phone if it's telemarketers I get so many I get annoyed I used to say not interested thanks anyway when I didn't get so many

[@WoodshedTheory]

I think i really made it sound like I worked in telemarketing :) but I was recruiting so close but not exactly

[@tracik1277]

A piece of information about telemarketing calls for anyone interested: when you pick up the phone, do not be the first to speak. If it is a telemarketing call your voice will trigger the recorded msg or prompt the caller to answer. If they hear nothing, the call most likely will terminate on its own from their end. If it is a personal call, they will say, “Hello?” or whatever and maybe you recognise who is calling. If it is something really important they will call back.

[@markday3145]

OMG! You watch people's mouths, too? For decades, I thought I had a hearing loss because it was so much harder when I can't see a person's mouth when they are talking to me. Doctors couldn't find a medical reason; my hearing was supposedly normal. Once I realized I was autistic, and started to learn about sensory processing issues, I realized that watching someone's mouth while they're talking is a sensory compensation for me. I think it helps avoid getting distracted by unrelated visual input, and maybe giving me two sensory channels (instead of one) to process someone talking to me. I'm less sure about that second one, though, since I don't think I could figure out what a person is saying just by watching their mouth (without hearing their voice).

[@sarahm2003]

I hate making phone calls! I don't mind answering near as much. I worry about interrupting people when I call and being a burden. Then there is the awkwardness of them not answering and you suddenly need to come up with a script for voice mail which they might not have set up, or the wrong person answers.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yeah it's just a mess. I know in the grand scheme of things its not a big deal but in the moment its stressful.

[@heedmydemands]

O my yes I feel stressed. Well most of the time I just think o it's nothing and don't leave a message but sometimes u really need to

[@hispoiema]

I've written scripts for as long as I can remember for virtually any phone call with blanks to fill in with Yes, no, a date and time etc I'm 58, undiagnosed

[@WoodshedTheory]

Scripts really help me

[@tomarmstrong4156]

I feel exactly the same about phone calls. I prefer email. I sometimes have my wife make calls. For business I tell people I don't make phone calls because of hearing loss. I try to do everything by email. I have been said to have Asperger's syndrome.

[@WoodshedTheory]

I love written too

[@BCSchmerker]

+WoodshedTheory *Ye had a telemarketer position? Good prep.* Have no trouble answering; but I need complete enough information for calling. Also a penchant against leaving voice messages due to immediacy of need for info for a specific jobsite.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Haha no I was in recruiting for a few years and it kept me on the phone all day.

[@felixoupopote]

The phone makes me angry, especially when it's an opportunistic stranger calling. How fucking dare anyone insert themselves into people's day like that?

[@WoodshedTheory]

i can see how that would be the case

[@damescholar]

I really, really hate answering phone calls, especially if the caller is not somebody I know very well. I hate to be interrupted, I hate the fact I have to struggle to understand and think what to say at the same time, I hate the pauses - all of that. But the worst is my delayed auditory processing which is very debilitating when I do not hear the voice normally but in the phone. It may be that I don’t understand anything for 20 or 30 seconds, it is just mumble-jumble. Some men that have a gruff voice and a sloppy diction are my nightmare. I cannot explain that sorry, my brain is such that it takes 30 seconds to ”learn the code the voice”. Also, I don’t remember things that are said in the phone because the understanding takes all my energy. Some of my acquaintances love to talk in the phone, and are offended if I say: send a message, or e-mail.

[@WoodshedTheory]

thank you for sharing your experience. to pay attention i need to basically write down everything that is being said

[@ropecrewman36]

Is it unusual that my preferred method of communication is actually phone calls? --SM has zero nuances to its communication and is full of angry people who are prone to knee-jerk reactions. --With Texting, I find it far too easy to ruminate over one-line messages, wondering which of the 51 different meanings it could have (no vocal cues to read) --Face-to-face is draining because I'm constantly thinking about my body language while still spending energy trying to read other people's body language. With the phone, I feel like I am much more effective communicating what I need to communicate in the way I intend to communicate it. I'm probably in the minority here, but that's been my experience.

[@WoodshedTheory]

I'm not sure if it is unusual but I am glad you are sharing with us. ASD looks different for everyone and you made some great points here.

[@ruthchitty6818]

thank you claire

[@WoodshedTheory]

Thanks Ruth for your support

[@steeneugenpoulsen8174]

As someone with sensitive and damaged hearing, it really doesn't work well to have a low speaking voice and then loud singing. The volume difference is just greater than I can handle. I've no idea if it is possible to catch the singing spike and lower the volume or something when recording.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Hi Steen I appreciate the struggle, thank you for letting me know. The intro is almost always over at the 1 min mark if you need to skip it I get it

[@brianfoster4434]

There are certain industries that refuse to engage with customers with any means other than direct verbal interaction on the telephone. The medical industry is one that comes to mind. I hate that. All I want is the result of my blood test. I want that in writing so that I can process it fully. Instead... I must endure a phone call. I'm like "just tell me the numbers."

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yeah my current health provider does almost everything via the internet and I love it

[@hispoiema]

I had a job like that but our script was on the computer in front of us. I quit because the boss didn't like me and it hit me one day ( I thought it didn't bother me) and I gave 2 weeks notice the next day.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Sorry it didn’t work out

[@brittanybowen2504]

I’m not sure if I’m on the spectrum or not. I’ve only been curious recently because we are waiting on a diagnosis for my 3 year old son. I’ve been looking at many of the autistic traits and seeing some of myself in there. Especially the phone calls! I often still write a script to order pizza and even though I can force myself to do it I would much prefer to have others make phone calls for me. I will put off a call for as long as I can. I even struggled at one of my first jobs in a call center lol. I had a script I was supposed to read (asking for a persons credentials for their accounts etc) but I was always failing the check list because I was so nervous on the phone that I would miss parts of the check list or I would be too concerned about annoying the person on the line that I would deliberately omit something just to get through the call quicker. I never expected my son’s autism journey to open up so many questions about myself.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Hi Brittany, I have heard from other parents that this can be a confusing time as well as a time of discovery for yourself. We are here for you!

[@JennSmart]

Me too ❤ I am the same way!!

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yay!

[@plantsmgee]

i use a relay service on the phone so i can hear them and take time to writ a reply. the deaf community use this and it works even in a none verbal

[@WoodshedTheory]

You know that is a great idea. I never thought about relay for that

[@plantsmgee]

i meant relay uk. what they did say is that its meant for deaf and non speaking people, so its good if you can set it to make it work with speach if you can. they have an app in the uk and its helpful. but i try to minimise my use of it as i am awaretheres very few call handlers and they need them for the deaf community and those who are non vocal @@WoodshedTheory

[@anjachan]

callings are my nightmares 😂

[@WoodshedTheory]

i get it

[@joannmarie1971]

i hate phone calls unless it is to my son or other family member. i prefer whatsapp with other people but most neurotypical people prefer the phone in a live call over whatsapp audios.

[@badboygoodgirl]

3 times a week~ 🎶

[@WoodshedTheory]

Most weeks 😂

[@user-us3cb2oq9c]

Your voice is nice

[@arlete1277]

You need more social practice. Avoidance leads to nothing.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Hi Arlete thank you for your thoughts on this.

[@AlexandraGarnett]

You’ve made this video right on time 🥹❤️Couple of days ago I’ve sent a text message to my new psychiatrist ( I just need to get some papers) He knows I’m on the spectrum but probably doesn’t know how much I struggle with phone calls. I’m still waiting for a reply but I’m starting to feel that the call may be inevitable…. I pace and stim a lot during phone calls and I find writing scripts super helpful! But still I avoid making phone calls like a plague 🫣

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yeah phone calls can be tough. I do okay but I still prefer not to do them.