Autism and Verbal Communication Challenges: When Speaking is Difficult

Do you remember a time when speaking became difficult for you? If speaking drains you and becomes tiring, you may be experiencing a challenge in verbal communication.
It's not only speaking that uses up energy. Even just thinking and forming the actual words in my head can already drain my energy when I'm feeling tired. For example, saying "Hello" out loud can be too difficult so I end up just "waving" instead. In this video, I share some verbal communication challenges that I have been experiencing and how I overcome them.
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:18 - Lesser the energy, the harder it is to talk
01:18 - Things that I normally do are harder to when I feel tired
02:40 - How small talk can be difficult
04:06 - How can be going to noisy places can be challenging
04:54 - How I cope up when challenged verbally
06:04 - Balancing energy to when experiencing verbal communication challenge
07:32 - Things to think about when you find verbal communication challenging
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
-----------------------------------------------
// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thirty.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplained.com.au
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: [e-mail]
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul

[@rachelweisz861]

This is 100% accurate for me. Talking takes so much energy, especially when I’m tired.

[@paulocl2]

That's what I was going to say.

[@drewgibbons4799]

Look at all those likes you get! Drew

[@rachelweisz861]

@@drewgibbons4799 was giving my genuine response to his video, honestly had no idea I was going to get that many likes

[@drewgibbons4799]

@@rachelweisz861 You, I think, stated succinctly what is true for many of us. Myself it is when I'm at all stressed or nervous, it's like my brain seizes. Sincerely hope my comment received as positively as intended. Kindest regards, Drew

[@diannepenny407]

Same. I find it exhausting in a way that nothing else is...

[@Selana]

Turning my thoughts into words, policing my tone, getting the words to actually leave my mouth, and then being able to process words back. All of that takes energy and when I’m running at under 10% or under duress I loose the ability to do all of them until I just can’t. I’ve learned over the past year that this problem stems from Developmental language issues/ which is one of the many things I’ve learned I have under the umbrella of autism. Thank you for your videos. You verbalize experiences I’ve had and allows me to express it with my family. It means the world.

[@loturzelrestaurant]

Fun-Fact: It made the whole Autism-Community proud, so i hope you have all seen Hbomberguys Newest Video, as it was partially about Autism.

[@Nameksfan]

Sometimes I forget what I am trying to say mid sentence or before I even get the sentence out. Then I have to remember it again and the people listening lose interest. Lol 😅

[@jonmars9559]

My energy has long been a precious commodity. I'm often over processing and that takes considerable energy. To me, neurotypical social reciprocity is as much song and dance as it is anything of content. A good deal of it is about timing, pitch, being in step and sensing when, where and what my part is. I'm not wired for it. I can't often hear the song, I don't know the dance. It takes a great deal of focus and energy for me to negotiate the song and dance even when I've rehearsed my part. It will never be natural for me. Most of the time I present myself authentically and manage with only an occasional misstep. When I'm tired, I can easily misspeak, over share, misinterpret and give myself lots of stupid things to ruminate over for the next several days.

[@epiqueerian8895]

100% accurate for me. Also when I was a kid I was bullied at school and abused at home, when I was upset I would go almost completely non verbal. It would become impossible for me to speak.

[@huntermckelvey9486]

My dad would always start in on me about something, and ask me questions. It would always light his fuse when I answered "I don't know". Took it as disrespect. In fact, my brain is overloaded and I'm not capable of having a conversation right now.

[@t3hsis324]

I'm so sorry... I can relate, and I know how hard this is. I would freeze up and not know how to respond, verbally or just in general... It's a terrible experience. (Then try to tell adults as a child I was being bullied, and they were like 'just stand up for uourself' and it wasn't as easy as that. I couldn't articulate what was going on, then to be so incredibly invalidated. Dumping here... Hope you don't mind... Would like others know, though. Wouldn't want someone else to experience this...

[@micheller3251]

This explains why I tend to get mad when people ask me useless questions... I always felt a sudden frustration with it without really knowing what the cause was. I would make sense that I get frustrated if I don't have the energy to put words into sentences

[@michellefodor7995]

Me too!!! Wow, I never realized

[@RM-fs8ub]

Makes a lot of sense. Have noticed it in my son. So I let him rest and let his soul catch up with him. After a period of rest he then goes into routine mode and becomes more talkative - especially when he remembers the highlight of his day. Through you I now understand him better and better with each passing YT and adjust myself accordingly.

[@chettajohnson5261]

So great that you are understanding him more & more! My son is the same way - he often wants to tell about school at 10 minutes past bedtime, after he's gotten a lot of movement in.

[@RM-fs8ub]

@@chettajohnson5261 movement seems to calm them down... Repetitive movement. Have noticed what are to do with excitement and which are to do with anxiety.

[@mplocieniczak]

@@chettajohnson5261 exactly.. my 13 year old son do the same.. starts running with the dog around 10pm but then in the morning so tired that I used to dress him a little to force him to get up .. how to cope with it????

[@chettajohnson5261]

@@mplocieniczak I definitely would try to get into a routine where he gets exercise earlier than that, and try moving bedtime 15 minutes earlier each week until it's where you want it. For us, we rely on a product called Tired Teddies at bedtime, it's the difference between 8pm and 11pm sleep time for my son. It has only a tiny amount of melatonin, so we haven't seen any downsides. Sleep is so important. I hope you find an answer.

[@thirtycats]

When I was young, I was very often known for being quiet. I felt defective and embarrassed about this. As I grew up, I became better at being talkative. But I started to get the sense that some people preferred me being quiet!! Very occasionally, I have times where I feel I should be talking more to avoid seeming unfriendly… but more often these days I have the need for a filter issue. It’s less about talking excessively and more about opening myself up to people that will very likely respond in a hurtful way. We have Thanksgiving coming up, and I’m advising myself to go back to being the quiet one. But I often end up blabbing… then I will later feel ashamed, rehash all the things I may have said wrong, worry I offended someone, wonder if people are judging me, etc.

[@tennotsukai87]

Oh boy. I'm excited for this one. Can't tell where my communication difficulties are coming from: anxiety, autism, adhd, or...unknown.

[@DM-bo7et]

I relate.

[@SikGamer70]

For me there are so many interlinking sources that it's taken me nearly 20 years to untangle the whole mess and get to the roots of my problems. That's when therapy has helped me the most - when I understand what the problem is I can build a structured plan on how to fix it with a therapist. Best thing I can recommend is talk therapy (CBT is great, but things like interpersonal therapy and group therapy, ideally with other autistic people, can also work) to figure out the roots of your own issues. But of course, building up the courage go to talk therapy is hard when your whole life has taught you "you're bad at talking to people and being vulnerable is a bad thing". Having a good therapist is key here because unfortunately a large portion of therapists I've heard of and experienced myself are "jack of all trades" psychologists that use a hammer for every problem, will assume you function the same as a NT, and won't be able to help you properly, or may even contribute to the problems.

[@SuperLotus]

Yeah. I have a chronic illness, but it sounds like being autistic just makes things even worse.

[@mendelynn]

The funny thing is: you can have both. Talking too much AND having trouble to find words. I talk a lot, with friends, even with strangers who engage in conversation with me. But I never start a conversation on my own and small talk is... what is small talk anyway? Sometimes, when I'm asked a question that I wasn't expecting without the context of a conversation (like "Do you know where this thing is?"), I don't use words at all. I gesture and point at things because there are no words in my head even though my head is full of words.

[@salyluz6535]

Thank you Paul!! I have just spent the last three hours working on my “script” for my next medical appointment. I really have extreme trouble communicating with people “off the cuff,” especially if it is a serious or stressful situation, or if I’m in pain. I do much better when I can use a little bit of sign language, similar to you waving, or else when I can communicate in writing. I have found that I must think things out very thoroughly, prioritize my issues and kind of make a script for myself ahead of time, or else I will not have a satisfactory Dr appointment. As I get older, I have found out that I really need to pre-plan medical appointments like this, so that I am not wasting time on frustrating miscommunication, and staying ill. Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to verbalize this challenge! It is very encouraging for me to know that I’m not alone!

[@cassidylaurens1922]

I spend a lot of effort preparing for specialty appointments, perhaps like yourself. I have my medical history and a list of points I need to make, and I practice possible responses and my replies. I had one recently and the waiting area was a huge, echoey room with fluorescent lights and a ton of people and random hospital noise, a television, and more. I was near meltdown in only a few minutes and after 20 minutes waiting I had to stumble through the appointment knowing I was barely keeping it together. I'm lucky I was able to verbalise at all. :( It took days to recover. The health system has no idea how inaccessible it is and how much more difficult it can be for us access proper care. Thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone too.

[@EmmaLemmon]

Not talking is under rated. I find it hardest to speak when I'm upset. In social situations I found most of the time people don't notice if I don't say very much. Usually i can still listen. If you look happy/relaxed while not talking people just think you're cool (this is what I tell myself)😉 When I was younger some people thought it was arrogance but never mind! 😁 It might be confusing to people who've seen me full of energy at other times, they might say "You're quiet today" to which I can usually just smile and say "Yes sometimes I'm quiet ". I think people just need to know you're not upset with them or unhappy (unless you are, in which case tell them "talk later"). My son doesn't talk at all. I used to worry about it when he was young but we have lots of other ways to communicate now.

[@longline]

I think that neurotypicals find it enigmatic when I say "sometimes I'm quiet", just like they find it enigmatic that sometimes I take sugar in tea, and sometimes I don't... I theory we're meant to be the ones with rigid expectations, but they seem to find it quite revolutionary when I'm changeable and quiet today. Not talking is great. I'm a huge fan. On some days. Gx

[@Dezzyyx]

@@longline I get the same thing every time at this take away place I go to several times a week, and now and then I decide to get something else and they seem amused by it. That confused me, I can't get something else what's the thing? But I figured like you say they expect you to be rigid all the time just because you are usually consistent.

[@Bunny501]

Your right. I'm gonna start doing this

[@darnielladd6131]

I never knew this was an autism thing. I'm not diagnosed but it runs in the family and I am fairly certain I have it and I can relate a lot to this.

[@longline]

Yes, yes, and yes. Over the past year I've been embracing this limit a lot more. I'd forgotten to frame it as "Always tiring if it's difficult when you're tired". That is consise and brilliant, thank you. In the past year I've hugely increased my use of hand gestures at work. Thumbs up, and double thumbs up (for "it is good" or "is it good?", context dependent, double thumbs for emphasis), lots of waving and raising my hand to speak, etc.

[@loturzelrestaurant]

Autism-Coverage was done BEST by Hbomberguy aka Harris Brewis.

[@in-serenesanity4514]

You were already exhausted to begin with but still dragged yourself to the gym. No surprise, you didn't have the energy to say Bye. Please make a vid on self-care and most importantly do take good care yourself! Thanks for this one, totally related to what you describe.

[@tiiaj7589]

This is almost exactly how I described this to my husband. I spend a lot of energy just putting up with sensory input and physical pain that “wording” can be very difficult at times, especially when I’m getting low on energy. “Wording” is the first skill I loose. I can do some things and talk or listen at the same time, like drawing or monotonous/repetitive tasks. But if I’m trying to write something or think of what I want to write, I can’t even listen to music with lyrics. If I’m trying to have a conversation I have to pause music of any kind. I used to be able to do more of that, but since the arthritis it’s gotten a lot harder and more obvious that it drains me quickly. I also try to limit how much I have to “word” unnecessarily to save eneryyo either have important conversations or just to keep my energy longer so I can do more. It’s definitely annoying to have to choose though, and frustrating to sometimes have to choose between two important things because I don’t have the capacity for both.

[@hightalk]

I struggle greatly with this in all aspects but the most troublesome one of all is when I am upset and my boyfriend wants to know what is wrong. I often cannot speak at all in these situations and can just cry. I often cannot even identify what I am feeling in that moment other than "bad." He doesn't understand this and says that when he is upset about something if he just asks himself what is wrong the answer immediately appears!

[@reson8]

That sounds a lot like alexithymia. I still don't have a smooth workaround for my alexithymic moments; guessing what the expected reply is and saying it sincerely is optimal, but some humour goes a long way too.

[@longline]

There are some good videos on alexithymia you can find, that help explain that it's not that you don't feel emotions, but the perception of the feeling lacks the resolution to say which one with any detail. Finding a nice explainer video may be nice/validating for you, but it may also help him understand it better. Have a look and see what you can find that rings true for your experience. Lots of love, Gx

[@Leena79]

Omg, I'm just like this. Sometimes, even writing a text message is too much. Funny thing is, I occasionally talk too much, when I'm on a good mood.

[@airari24]

I've unintentionally offended people in my life through this. IDK how else to explain that talking and texting is too much for me when I am low energy (which is now most of the time). They don't fully understand that is drains my resources and that even though I love them I just can't do it often

[@weridplusho]

Same for me! Though I usually talk too much when I'm hungry too. I always feel bad because I'm not trying to ghost but socializing is a mood I have to be in.

[@sunshine1004]

Me too, but I'm not someone on the autism spectrum (at least, no diagnosis of any sort). It's actually hurtful to hear it pointed out to me. My parent once told me how quiet I am, except how I'm loud + talk a lot when I'm in a good mood lol It's hard to find that balance and read social cues in a timely manner. I often realize later~ "Oh." oops x-x

[@Etobicoke67]

Spot on for me. I frantically search for words in social situations with people who do not want to know me for real, especially my family, who I have now given up on expecting any acceptance of lifelong difficulties. I have begun to choose which situations are ok to just listen rather than join in and being honest when I am unable to share my thoughts, or I write ideas down during the group conversation if I get a useful idea which helps and share when I sense it is ok. I avoid crowds and noisy places. If it is a celebration for a friend, then I go for as long as I feel grounded, but give my goodbyes when I do not. Real friends do not question this and appreciate however long I spend with them. They do not take it personally. I am also learning to take a deep breath when I have energy and talk too much on a subject I like, such as art, science and nature, with people I do not know like the same subjects.

[@longline]

You are awesome, and you are managing your needs very well. Reading that I feel a surge of love and pride. It's not easy. Gx

[@salyluz6535]

That’s wonderful! I can really relate, and I’m proud of you for the progress you shared, on the things you are learning to do. Great ideas! Well done!

[@kerstin9606]

I came to the same conclusion some time ago too. Absolutely 100% me. On top, it takes me energy to verbalise my thoughts before I can talk because I don't 'think' in words but rather ... well difficult to describe... in another firm. So first translate my thoughts into words, and then speak them out loud. would love to hear more this topic!

[@shaaaairuuu]

I recently booked an appointment for my autism assessment! I'm really looking forward to it. From what I saw in your channel so far and other autism posts, this is exactly what I think I have and not all other mental conditions I wasted my time researching. With all of those I had something 'not there'. Update: I got diagnosed with Social Pragmatic Communication Disorder, and ADHD.

[@Leira2468]

I'm going Tuesday.. Good luck to you

[@emil5884]

Many of the stereotypical characteristics of autism don't apply to me much, but this one is huge for me. I have an extensive vocabulary and yet I frequently find myself unable to retrieve words on the spot in verbal dialogue, to the point where people misinterpret me as spacing out or having abruptly abandoned unfinished sentences. On a good day my speech can be even more fluent than the norm, but this is typically not the case with me.

[@BeeSting862]

Spot on - thanks for taking the time to work this out and share it. I find written communication so much easier than verbal. I am able to take my time formulating what I am going to say and I can review it before sending, taking a lot of the stress out of the process. It also means that the person you are communicating with is likely to respond in writing so I can read it through more than once if I am not sure what they said.

[@mng519]

I find it hard to explain things when asked. I also find organization difficult as well. I live with my mum, and so when she gets onto me about organizing a space, I'll start to do it and then she'll start firing a bunch of questions or words of some kind while I'm struggling to do the task and that is extremely overwhelming for me.

[@draven20031]

Been there, I’ve found that a request for what they need done, followed by a request they let you finish it ( in my head it’s tell me what you want and leave me alone to do it; though that’s rarely received well vocalized that way )

[@blackbird365]

Have you told her this? What is her response? Does she understand? Could it be possible that she's autistic or has adhd too, but with the opposite problem (over-explaining, asking, chivvying ... unable to stop?) I used to get like that when anxious until I finally managed to find tactics to shut myself up & let people think / respond. Do talk about this, it will probably help. Good luck.

[@amberwardzinski6487]

This is why I have to choose my friends wisely. People who can't stand silence and need to be engaged in conversation 24/7 are my worst nightmare!

[@travelservices1200]

I used to be much better at all this, back when I was in a stable environment and a long-term relationship, with family around me, but now I'm that 50-ish year old man you sometimes talk about, who's lost pretty much everything he used to have on multiple levels, and I have a much harder time. But what you've said definitely makes a great deal of sense to me. I often will respond to a "Hello" with just a "peace" sign or even the Vulcan salute rather than saying anything. And I really get stressed when people ask me how I am, especially (like today) if I was out "sick" yesterday. It can make me feel frankly hostile because I feel overwhelmed by such a silly, simple questions, and I freeze up. Which doesn't help me to like myself very much, unfortunately. I don't see it getting any better, either, unfortunately. EVERYTHING is exhausting.

[@relentlessrhythm2774]

I find this very relatable especially lately.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

Yes! Oh my gosh, I do find it takes a lot of energy just to execute the basic mechanics of talking, never mind organize the content of what I'm saying. It's worse when I'm tired, too. I relate to this quite strongly.

[@zaszasur]

im so glad you brought this up. I have a big problem with this and it is extremely frustrating. It makes it so hard to socialise with people. When this happens it's not just hard to talk but my entire body feels so heavy and it feel like the muscles used for talking are lose there coordination so I it is sosososo hard to enunciate sentances and be spontaneous. My mind gets extremely foggy and I feel a slight pressure in my head which makes translating my thoughts is an arduous process. I get very depressed thinking about it that one time I cried at work knowing that my life won't get better because of this. People get the wrong impression of me and my social skills aren't the best but like you said, it gives people the impression that my social skills are worst than they actually are. This is why I dread going to work or doing social activities because the people around me have expectations of me but when I try to talk, I see the look on their faces and feel very discourage from even talking to them. I've been trying to act upon it and eat the right foods, excercise more and even done therapy but still it feels like it never goes away

[@marieugorek5917]

THANK YOU for talking about this. One of the things I have recently become aware of is that I DO have constant praxis issues with regard to verbal speech. The connection you made to small talk is brilliant and I that explains WHY I resent it so much that I have to engage in shallow, disingenuous "polite" verbal exchanges. I am a hyperlexic hyperverbal autistic ADHDer, but I have issues with tone (which I have recently been made aware could be at least partially the result of forcing words out around verbal apraxia) and really, really, really resent having to say words that are not fully meant or saying extra words about things I am not excited about. Just because I made the decision at a very young age that verbal and written language was the key to my survival and had the discipline and intelligence to become adept at verbal communication, it doesn't follow that verbal speech is EASY for me.

[@gamerchristina1079]

You have given My Life validation! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I will repeat because I really hope you know how grateful I am for your videos, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! 🙏🙏❤️❤️‼️

[@ajkooper]

What feels like a waste of energy and actively annoys me is when if i carefully constructed something to say that i think is useful or at least adds to the situation gets waved away or not heard at all. I go silent from that point until i'm convinced i'm heard again. Sounds a bit childish when i read this back but it's not that i want people to agree with me. It's fine if it's the complete opposite in fact. Just acknowledge me putting in the energy to make sounds in an effort to contribute ;)

[@airari24]

I do this and I feel like it helps me fight the feelings of invalidation and worthlessness in my own head. Like, I won't tolerate being dismissed and ignored so I won't speak until I will be respected because I deserve respect. But I have had it used against me. I had ex-friends who would dismiss/exclude me but when I would respectfully confront them about how I felt like a 2nd class citizen around them, they would claim that I refused to participate in their convos. But they consistently ignored me/shut me down when I did! Who want to put themselves on the line in that environment??

[@CMZIEBARTH]

@@airari24 Sounds familiar.

[@mike-williams]

At first, I thought this talk was not going to apply to me, but then it hit me quite squarely. I sometimes find that extra second or so (that on the inside seems like an eternity) to muster the resources to figure the appropriate thing to say, can be enough of a hurdle to render me almost mute. It's not just what to say, but how to say it. There's this furious ultrafast overthinking of the correct tone to use. I realised also that when I was in college or worked in a large organisation, I quickly learned everyone's names. I could probably recognise and name more people than some of the staff who had been there for years. While this is great and it's welcoming to the other people, it's also a case of me managing the relationship. So if I see Mary in the corridor, who I normally have little to do with, I can say Hi Mary, give a smile and quickly move on. I don't have to react to her initiating something.

[@cheetocairo]

I experience this as well. Both times I was under general anesthesia for surgeries, when I woke up, I felt panicked and felt like I couldn't speak, like it was too much energy and mental effort. Words wouldn't come out. So, I just communicated with sign language until I was more awake and alert.

[@au9parsec]

Yes, this video absolutely relates to my difficulty with verbal communication.

[@ericlane4885]

I often wave rather than speak. Even with my wife, it feels easier than speaking. I really appreciate this video.

[@leslieyancey5084]

I’ve noticed this about myself as well. For me, it actually gives me a bit of anxiety. Even giving voice commands on my phone, I would much rather just type a message or press a button than give a verbal command!

[@suzettescammahorn563]

Absolutely! And I studder or trip over my tongue both when I am tired and when I am upset.

[@sveadezember403]

Two days ago I wasn't feeling it. But I also wanted some porridge AND a salad. So I went into the store and greeted by waving and pointed at the picture menu. End of story: the lovely person behind the counter stopped verbalizing and started gesturing, too. I got out with the salad and the porridge I wanted and was really happy and relieved. I was smiling a lot for her and nodding and gesturing and this worked, too. Smiling takes less effort for me than speaking, most of the times. Really happy and surprised this worked so well!

[@Aiken47]

I have the over talking issue, but I also struggle once tired to speak in a coherent way, particularly when explaining something the other person has no knowledge of.

[@cestmoi2497]

Can totally relate. A lot of verbalizing feels pointless to me and not even worth wasting my energy on. I'd prefer to completely skip greeting random people at places like the gym, chatting with cashiers in stores etc. I usually just smile and try to be as pleasant as I can manage, and then get away from them as quickly as possible.

[@wolfbeam3915]

I'll intend to say Hello but for some reason only say it in my head, especially if in passing. My old colleagues must have thought I was super rude!

[@ratslaydownflat2540]

I do. And I've noticed that when I'm out of energy words tend to lose their meaning which adds extra effort for me to bring the meaning back to them in my head. I appreciate you using your resource to talk about this in a time when it is relevant, but also difficult. You're awesome Paul 🙂

[@dianathomas2674]

Same here. I appreciate seeing this expressed by someone else. Thanx.

[@franeddington3279]

You just made so much sense of ‘verbal communication’ for me! I always thought I was good at it cause my adhd means I can be impulsive and talkative (I’m adhd and autistic) but just because I’m sometimes chatty doesn’t mean I’m good at verbal comms! 😂

[@lurrr217]

That was so validating to hear. I used to feel so bad about not being able to even say hi or bye to people. i can accept that a night out with friends can lead to a shutdown and i dont feel bad about it anymore. the silence inside me that allow myself to feel whenever is very comforting and makes me feel safe.

[@puddingpimp]

Timing. I don't have a problem with energy, but conversations are difficult, especially with several people, and especially especially with several drunk people. I can't speak without putting a sentence together in my head first, and usually in a group, by the time I've put a sentence together, the conversation has moved on, and if I do speak, I look like an idiot for bringing up a topic that's already passed, but sometimes I've got to do it anyway because it's the only way to not be invisible. In one on one conversations, it usually goes over better because people tend to appreciate that I'm considering and thinking about the answer. I've intuitively known this was a problem for me for years, but explaining it now has opened my eyes to how much this has been affecting me and causing me stress.

[@jay6562]

Yes, Paul you are my twin from another mother! I can be verbally normal, talkative, even extroverted at times, but I can't do it when I want to, only when I'm excited about something. This gets me into alot of trouble. My vocabulary goes out the window when I'm stressed which I've come to identify as my kryptonite. When I'm expected to be a highly capable individual, it comes across like I'm not trying, holding back, or giving silent treatment. Sometimes my boss thinks I'm holding back in a meeting or uninterested when I don't chime in when I should have. Ironically, when I'm in the most trouble with my wife or boss is when I have the hardest time with it. I feel mute sometimes, like when someone says hi, like I almost can't respond. I often pause and seem confused when asked "how are you?", it' makes NT's chuckle sometimes.

[@pw510577w]

Lots of little things can add up to one big thing. When I worked in a customer service role, occasionally I went mute after a tirade from a customer. I thought that whatever I said or the way I said it would be wrong, therefore the only option was to say nothing. Which was also wrong.

[@Eryniell]

yes! I'm dealing with both, when I'm excited and mindwise occupied with and about topics I have to stop myself (or assess if i need to stop) from talking too much, but when I'm tired, exhausted, have had too much social interaction, waking up (likely also tiredness) every thought and every word is difficult, especially those which just zap energy without a good purpose...I'm glad that with friends and my partner and kid it's okay to just make "noises" and gestures and not being judged for not saying good morning as example. And I get really irritable when I'm being asked anything that would need more brain power and require me to respond with sentences and such. I can respond still but it's really slowed down and hard and I'm getting really easily overwhelmed in those moments.

[@paal1576]

Shalom and namaste Additionally, most pubs and restaurants have tv screens scattered throughout..between the background noise and the lighting, and the tv's, meeting up at most public places, just send me into cocoon mode much before others are ready to leave... Much easier to pick different venue..and smaller group.

[@myouounoanjii]

Speaking becomes really difficult for me when I'm tired, and I never understood why until I came across your channel. Specially late in the evening, reading a children's book to my child I stagger over and over and have great difficulty speaking fluently. At least now I know why instead of thinking I'm useless or stupid.

[@lunarabenherz]

This is all about me. Thank You for the explanation, now I can better understand myself! A little addition: in pubs and other crowded noisy places you must not only talk, but also listen. To the people you're communicating with, NOT to all this hell around you!! That's one more reason not to go to such places. And... I've afford this luxury to myself, to let go the connections that take to much energy. Now I have more resources for the things that I REALLY enjoy. For some people this can be a good solution.

[@radioactivegorgon2307]

When we have a very clear communication model (we understand what we're saying) that fits into our attention tunnels we can really get absorbed in it!

[@KarinaCor]

Totally relatable . Your content is absolutely useful.

[@sarah_gene]

You explain this really well from a more-speaking-than-non-speaking autistic perspective; it's really helpful for me... Lately I've been in a sorta transition from never *noticing* speaking being difficult except under exhaustion to a point, post-burnout, that it's really easy for me to be functionally non-speaking...

[@stevebizzel3689]

This describes me perfectly. Social interactions can be exhausting. Worse still is if I am tired and run into to someone who is talkative. I try to avoid interactions when tired. Having said that things like going to the cinema to see a film, going on holiday etc doing something I enjoy gives me the energy to deal with it.

[@VivekaAlaya]

I'm exactly like that. and the more effort i have to make to verbalize, the more people will get anoyed with me and demand that i "speak better" or will complain.about my tone

[@DylanT6791]

I can totally relate to this one. Verbal communication can be so very difficult for some people, even when you have the ability to do it. Everything has to be just right for me to be able to talk fluently and portray myself as I intend to. Unfortunately, I don't succeed anywhere near as often as I would like to. However, I know I am autistic and so I try not to worry about it too much. Thanks for another great video and for covering the topic so well in just ten minutes!

[@kdcraft89]

This is brilliant! I find listening to another person (one on one, not in a group) can be relaxing and even energizing. Not so speaking. Yes, even a single word. Thank you for this insight. Humans evolved in small groups of familiar people. There is something unnatural about each day having to encounter so many people, most of them strangers (in public places) that all of us, including NTs may not be suited for.

[@asasial1977]

If I could only find a therapist who understands this. They keep calling my phone when I flat out tell them I do not like talking on the phone and most likely will not answer.

[@thirtycats]

I hope you can find a better therapist!!

[@asasial1977]

@@thirtycats thank you. I am completely willing to work on the issue, but it is like they refuse to acknowledge the issue (among others) exist.

[@thirtycats]

@@asasial1977 My guess is that these therapists have more issues to work on than you do. Would it be very hard for you to change therapists? I did online therapy. It was supposed to be easy to change therapists. But I didn't, because I was worried about hurting the therapist's feelings!!

[@asasial1977]

@@thirtycats I am currently working on changing therapist. I can completely relate to not wanting to hurt their feelings. I finally had to find the voice to tell them this isn’t working and I feel they are ignoring me. Them blowing me off and having my own anger issues, I kinda used the anger to channel the power to speak up. I was able to send an email about how I felt. While trying to not sound hostile. Luckily I have a great wife who I can trust to read over things like that so I get an outsiders perspective on the wording, hostility, etc. as I have problems realizing that I sound hostile even when I do not mean to be. I probably would not have been able to do it face to face honestly.

[@mkashe]

Thank you for putting this out at such a perfect time. Thanksgiving with my extended family next week is going to be so hard. I have to prepare like a week in advance just to talk to them for an hour. I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it physically difficult to talk at times

[@Astro-Markus]

Thank you so much for this. I find myself in this video very much. And I agree and understand now why in some situations, I can talk very easily and enjoyably. And I'm constantly afraid that out of the situation I slip some remarks that are not appropriate. Can't help it. It just happened tonight during a discussion. Very draining.

[@chrislewis2720]

completely unrelated, but can we appreciate the improvement of the video production over the years? I'm new, but went back to watch where it all started, and the "physical" content quality has gotten so good. that is all c:

[@krugerfuchs]

Sometimes you make videos when I need them and at the right time like you can see from Australia to Ireland what's going on this has been today and then there's your video it's life saving

[@amberlwm1852]

I can see how difficult speaking is for you. I have the same kind of patterns with hesitation and repetition while I struggle to find and form the words. Sometimes speaking even triggers fight/flight responses. It scares me, and there's no clear reason for it. And sometimes, the words I want are not the words that come out, which causes terrible misunderstandings.

[@jmvanzalinge5023]

Yes, this is probably my biggest struggle and the thing that has been most obvious to me from a young age. There are so many times where my words just don't speak. And then the energy to filter too. Sometimes I filter so much that I can't think of anything that would be appropriate to the conversation to say. So I just stay quiet and do smiles and nods of my head wherever possible. I want to learn how to talk more though, unfiltered and unmasked. Hopefully I'll get there one day.

[@Steertanzer]

Thank you! This is so helpful to hear you talk about. I have always struggled with smalltalk, and everyday phrases like "Hello" or "Goodbye" in particular. I always got the feeling that was inherently rude and "should" come naturally. But hearing your talk about this made me realize I experience the same thing as you - it's the input vs output of energy. Not that I don't WANT to be nice or polite, just that those particular customs completely drains me - especially on days when I'm really low on energy to begin with (Which is often). Thank you for making these videos!

[@guardianofscania]

Everytime I speak to someone it's like I'm putting on a performance.

[@JoJohXD]

I'm so grateful for finding your channel, it's like to watch me in a 3rd person perspective, I never look to the camera, and even knowing what I have to say (you probably have a list of topics) but putting the words together is like connecting the dots but we have to connect 300 dots in a blink.... Also this makes even worse if you are like me and love to learn new languages, sometimes I need to switch the flip to English or Portuguese or Korean and my mother language Spanish.... It's hard

[@111yohan]

Yes I have experienced many times making someone laugh, and then find myself just crash because I feel like talking again would not give me any more rewards. There is also the fact of feeling the other persons emotions so that is draining too. Or trying to find out what or how others are thinking during a conversation...

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Yes, this is why I can be socially awkward sometimes. If someone asks me to come over, and I spend time with them for a few hours, I want it to be meaningful if I am going spend all of that energy. Otherwise, if I somebody asks me to come over, and they're glued to their cellphone for at least 2 of the 4 hours, it is draining because it makes me feel uncomfortable and irritated. I look at them and say to myself, "Okay, you could have done that without me here, and I could have spent the 4 hours at home, relaxing, and not draining my energy from this emotionally uncomfortable (and stressful) situation where I am stuck here, not knowing the purpose of having me there, and constantly wondering if I should say anything about it (and drain myself some more over us getting upset at each other)". Yeah, it's hard sometimes.

[@atinemassare]

Your videos are so insightful. I like them a lot!

[@LEO91968]

Wow! For someone who isn't articulatig as well as usual, you just described eveything I experience on a day to day basis better than I ever could! Amazing video! I flip flop. I talk too much about things I get excited about; then, I can't verbalize when I really need to do it!❤

[@reson8]

Great video Paul! I wonder if you could do a follow-up; How To Socially Survive Lapses in Conversation/Speech. I find smiling, hand gestures and enthusiasm helpful to ride the wave of temporary loss of speech.

[@Aero21]

This is pretty accurate for me too. I really struggle in my marriage when “difficult” conversations need to happen, I simply cannot speak, like I almost go dumb. I also struggle to recognize the need for these conversations until it becomes a real issue many times.

[@mlyons8912]

I am not sure where this video came from. I appreciate his honesty. I like to understand what he is going through. I may have some if this being born 2 months early. I have other health issues to deal with that may or may not drain my energy. Excellent for those who could be helped by this. There are many Asperger's or Autistic people. I only wish you the best, Sir. M.L.

[@hollygarner1949]

Sometimes it is not just the energy in replying Hello!, but the knowledge or even fear that further conversation will be expected.

[@meta5175]

Yessss, even when I’m normally okay with small talks, if I’m tired (or for me typically, in an early morning that I’m not completely awake), I can notice myself not being able to do the socialising I just don’t have the energy to do that

[@jm71193]

Yes, I always felt like something was wrong with me and have left in tears because I felt so inadequate when speaking to someone. Now I know better. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[@mcmilge]

I really relate to your point about how it takes energy to say goodbye 👋

[@camellia8625]

I wish I could articulate this so clearly - I will forward this to some people in my life

[@WreckFatal]

Thank You for another amazing video! You are always so helpful and great at your job. Hope you are doing well Adam :)

[@DR-iu6wj]

Thankyou Paul, your videos help reinforce the fact that I am NOT weird and different. I really appreciate your effort and time.

[@Spirilien]

Very accurate for me. I even had it in groups of people and with some very social persons that I couldn't talk at all and so often I hear them talking about things that I don't find interesting or in a way that I feel I can't talk back. But some people talk in a way and in the right setting for me that it becomes much easier and fun for me. :) I love exploring non-verbal communication and I usually try to make friends through creative projects or doing something fun together (though that's a bit harder as an adult).

[@monkeytennis7477]

Wonderful, very accurate insights. I have trouble with this too. I also identify with having a lower-pitched voice and having to push harder to be understood, especially in noisy situations because I normally shut down when it's really noisy or chaotic. Smiling and miming things out helps a little bit, when I feel like making an effort, ha ha.

[@larryboulware3063]

Thank you for a beautifully eloquent and elegant explanation of a scary frustrating (for me) phenomenon. That helped me a lot! God Bless You!

[@bestinsta360horseandfamily7]

The credence and tone you speak in is so familiar and "right" 💛💙

[@autisticash8281]

I work as a support worker and talking is huge part of my job. I spend my weekends forcing communication with my family or lying down . this video makes so much sense . thank you .

[@gertrudelaronge6864]

Yes! This is completely true for me. I've been aware of it for most of my life, but didn't understand why it kept happening to me or that others had similar experiences.

[@Hughes17]

I am totally in the same boat when it comes to "pubs/places with loud noises" and I have consistently had problems projecting my words audibly and with a tenacity of conversation. Thanks for this great channel.

[@tracy9610]

I wish there were emojis for in-person interactions.

[@Leira2468]

Wow... I'm going to a psychiatrist Tuesday.. Your videos have shown me so much about my self

[@user-eg8ht4im6x]

You have fully described me, talking exhausted me and the more exhausted I get the hard it is to think and talk. Thank you for putting it into words.

[@233dandan]

spot on, never thought about it as an energy thing

[@justinhinchliffe2355]

100% I rarely talk to anyone (outside of the few i know) these days unless i absolutely need to, wether at 10% or 100% energy. Its way too much work/energy! Cost/Benefit analysis has paid in dividends for me.

[@andipotal]

Can relate to pretty much all of this, even if it's rather subtle for me. Paul, thank you for your videos that show what high functioning ASD can look like, and to which I can often relate a lot. After watching the one on the youtube algorithm I did insist (again...) with my therapist and finally got a referral to the autism specialists at the local hospital. After the first session, the psychologist (now I know: On the spectrum herself, and with 150 IQ at 15 SD) told me she is already sure I'm asperger, and after completing all the formal tests, that were all positive, I now do have an official diagnosis, at 32 years old, to the surprise of everybody around me. This was a few months ago, and since then my confidence and my life have been improving so much, as it all makes so much more sense now without needing to invoke "the world is just bad". Furthermore, it helps our family which has many more cases of autism - I've reached out to my niece, who was diagnosed without her parents telling us, for example, and I can understand better my parents now - I realized my mom must be on the spectrum as well. I think it might help them too to be aware. All thanks to you, Paul.

[@island661]

I'm so glad you're bringing awareness to everything that you go through. Thank you for sharing your experiences. 🙏🏻

[@LegendoftheGalacticHero]

THIS. I am under cancer treatment and it’s draining me so I struggle communicating so much but people don’t realise that is not that I don’t have anything to say but more like I can’t at times. And when i can explain it people don’t believe me. It’s so frustrating to have this inner universe that can’t go out because I’m rekt.

[@annettehackett7942]

Yes yes yes!! I often 'run out' of words, especially when stressed or tired. I literally have nothing to say - no words left.

[@Wunjo-Wunjo]

This is spot on. That brick wall is lovely.

[@tp3144]

I saw a comment on 'policing my tone' and have to say that's my biggest struggle. Sometimes I'll say something that in my mind is just a fact but to others the words can sound rude or accusatory and my tone is apparently even worse. I self reflect every time but it still feels like trying to explain string theory in 5 different languages. I just cannot understand it.