Autism: How to be normal (and why not to be) | Jolene Stockman | TEDxNewPlymouth

[@VeeJayASMR]

6:58 "I can mimic normal but my autism isn't gone, it's just no longer your problem' Thank you for speaking my truth!

[@elmondo-s1e]

TheSucculentSquirrel this is a bit rude actually. I don’t like or agree with this. It makes me think you’re not autistic and therefore I’m probably going to discount most of this opinion... it ain’t fact - you just don’t get it. I understand your point completely and can agree to an extent - we force ourselves be sociable and amicable to create relationships to survive because if we don’t, we won’t. It’s simple as. But we are not socially disabled. We’re just other. I can socialise super well with other people on the spectrum and my non-asd friends socialise perfectly fine with other neurotypicals. It’s the crossing of the two that starts to bend things and suddenly I’m the one that has to adjust my behaviour - why? Why don’t they ever have to adjust theirs? I’m seen as the “weird” one. So they have the divine right to ostracise me? Didn’t think so. Neurotypical people need to fix THEIR disability. Society only has to be a little bit understanding, and everyone will get along just fine. Suicide rates will plummet, im telling you.

[@skyfly200]

Yeah, this is totally on point. As for the person responding I as someone with Autism take offense. Maybe I dont want any friends who cant accept the true me.

[@buyaoren]

@TheSucculentSquirrel you might want to search for a paper with the title "Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective" - it might change some of those ideas. there's other research out there that suggests it's more common for neurotypicals to reject interaction with autistic people based on first impressions than the other way around

[@Jalenellis929]

@@elmondo-s1e hey, we all have our own opinions, I don't see this as rude, while it may not be the "right way" of living! Fitting in, being "normal" however you see that part, it is the sad truth of the world we live in, definitely don't be a sell out all the time and push away your own natural ways, but expecting ALL the typical thinking people in this world to see things that way couldn't never happen and that's the demise of humanity.. back to day to day life, this quote is spot on bluntly truthful in my eyes.. act and speak as raw as we think and only US will take the beating of being odd thinking weird, too deep etc.. exactly as said, ESPECIALLY when you're dealing with people who don't yet understand much about you.

[@FaethorFerenzcy]

@@omardelmar I wish it would be so easy. Depending on how much you differ from normal, you alienate a lot of people. Sure, autism and other diagnoses tend to lead to lonesome lifes, even if we personal don't care too much about that, sometimes its lonely. Everyone needs someone from time to time, its freaking hard to be alone the most part of your life. (This is my opinion, but i would say i was lonely most of my life, i am sick of it, and also sick of masking. Its double edged.) Anyway, have a good Day Omar

[@Sidneycozzoi]

This explains why I can’t handle being in even mildly toxic work environments. It is physically painful. My therapist convinced me to quit my last corporate job because “this level of stress will kill you if you stay,” he said. It is so hard to explain to neurotypicals that it is debilitating.

[@ChurchfieldThinkTank]

I am 59 and have managed to work as a software developer for 30 years but the pain has become too much to cope with. 30 years ago I managed it by spending most of my time self medicated; which, brought a whole new set of problems but at least I could work. Now, I don't drink. Now I am an angry, difficult employee that abhors everything about my job in tech industry. The pretentious coworkers, the lying, the unrealistic demands, the lies, .... I can smell a toxic co-worker from day 1 on the job and I can't move past it. I feel that I must leave my job because it disables me more than anything else I can think of and it is where I expend my best energy and that makes me sick.

[@juliadixon8465]

Hear hear. Would love to be able to communicate with many of the commenters here. Wish some of these would come with a signup list in the comments.

[@jadeaom.official]

I feel you Sidney 🙏💚

[@johannakispal3614]

That’s why I work as a cleaner on my own. I have a degree and speak two languages fluently, but I cannot work in a team, negotiating, and just generally seem neurotypical. Makes me sick, and I had to leave my job.

[@urruvar]

Yeah "neurotypicals" have such different experiences than overpriviledge pampered people who think wearing glasses means theybgo through the same things as blind people

[@seaweedbeach]

Thank you. "I don't wanna be babied, I don't wanna be tolerated" I just want to be understood and accepted.

[@sharonjensen3016]

Isn't that what we all want in the grand scheme of things?

[@supermariokenneth584]

@@sharonjensen3016 Facts

[@elskabee]

the way she talked about growing up without a diagnosis and then blaming yourself because you can't do the things everyone around you does and constantly pushing yourself because you just must need to work harder and then breaking down... that hit really close to home. I don't know what it's like to be autistic, but I do have ADHD and it's interesting to hear the similarities and differences I have with my fellow neurodivergents edit: terminology

[@Dancestar1981]

Quite similar in a lot of ways to what I like to call high energy autistics

[@Odetoearth]

I hear you! I also have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and find the similarities with autism quite interesting!

[@Keith0384]

Same here here, ElsskaBa. Despite my comment above, there does come a point where you can't keep blaming yourself and that you have a legitimate right to say certain people need some accommodations.

[@heavencheungjohnson3098]

She relates to me the most. For a while I pondered why children are seen often as a blessing or a curse. My mother always told me I was the blessing, never see the person who raised me. I see myself in the one who raised me. Because they helped me see both perspectives, which allowed me to raise myself.

[@heavencheungjohnson3098]

God

[@hannahzd8097]

Anyone else watch videos like this and start remembering things that happened when they were a child and suddenly find an explanation

[@stacypo3427]

Yes

[@sarahramos2919]

Yes, it’s like finally having the answer key to a test that you didn’t know that you were taking.

[@mannuzan8791]

Her descriptions about everyday situations in the video just felt TOO familiar. I wish I had the courage to send this to my friends but I don't because I'm not diagnosed and therefore too afraid to assume anything by myself.

[@MohanSingh-kg3hk]

Very true !

[@cockycookie1]

Definitely

[@eddgloss2435]

cried three times while watching this, i see myself in her so much

[@340sunny]

Felt this

[@sayusayme7729]

Amazing video, thank you so much. You’ve helped me so much! ♥️🦋

[@monikazeljazkow355]

:

[@elmondo-s1e]

Same. It was like someone read all my thoughts and talked them through her lips. So it was odd. But in a good way. I’ve never known relief like this

[@skyfly200]

Yessss. Cried as well.

[@EyeShotFirst]

I keep watching these autism TED talks, and I keep seeing myself in each one. I feel like I seemed normal enough to slip through the cracks. I'm approaching 30, and I still feel like I'm asking myself the questions a child asks themselves about growing up.

[@elmondo-s1e]

EyeShotFirst what you say here resonates with me a lot. I’m nearly 28 and keep seeing 30 coming closer and closer and a lot over the last 4 or 5 months I catch myself thinking to myself, I’m nearly 28 and I don’t know who I am. I have no idea what I’m aiming for in life. I’m nearly 28 so why do I still sometimes have [what I no longer but have long believed to be] tantrums? I’m nearly 28 and I’m never going to grow up. But having watched x number of women standing on a ted talks stage describing the myriad ways in which life is that much more challenging to them, I finally feel belonging. I see kindred spirits and finally, at long last, people that might GET me. It’s weird. And I dunno whether I want to push for a formal diagnosis - will it help or hinder me? I hope you find whatever answers you are looking for, friend. :)

[@EyeShotFirst]

@@elmondo-s1e I've been conversing with other autistic people, and I think it's helped me understand myself and also forgive myself for things I considered inadequacies. I don't know what a formal diagnosis would do for you, aside from the confirmation. Whether or not that gives you comfort or a cursed label is subjective. I think we're all different, but I definitely think you should reach out via chat groups, social media, even games will have groups for autistic people. A lot of times, you'll feel like you're talking to yourself. I heard it described as feeling like an alien most of your life, and finally finding what planet you come from and that there are others who speak your language. We try to pass for normal so long, it's so easy for us to slip through the cracks. Most of my coping mechanisms, ticks, etc...I would force myself to stop doing when I was in school, and that's when my grades went down the toilet. Teachers and family just thought I didn't care. In fact, they still don't think I care. It's just I can't fake normal for very long, before I get unwound. You tug on rubber long enough, it'll snap. I used to be so outgoing before the anxiety. Before enough people pointed out how different I was. I've had to hold back tears and avoid dealing with strangers, because I feel like sometimes they can see through the facade, especially once they've insulted me in some way. I'm a grown man, who wears armor made of paper.

[@Dancestar1981]

Eilzmo I turn 40 next year female Aspie and I think I’ve just started to figure out what I want in life

[@1wolsk]

I'm with you on this.

[@xtina-ah]

Same here. I’m turning 30 this year and have always felt like an alien, overworking myself to be perceivable as normal. This video hit home.

[@CreativeCrumbles]

I cried the entire time while watching this. I'm 32 and currently in the process of getting diagnosed by a licensed professional. I was invalidated and told to "work harder" and "act normal" my entire life, but I've recently hit a major shutdown. This shutdown led me to doing a lot of research and self diagnosing as autistic. I realized that not everyone works this hard to survive... neverminded the work that goes into keeping up with friendships, and relationships, holding down an office job, living on my own and supporting myself. Thank you for validating my experiences and helping me realize that I'm not broken and I'm not a burden. I belong here. Thank you.

[@OneUnderground]

Same here! I'm 32 and have been in a severe burnout this past year. It's what's led to me realizing I'm autistic. For so long I tried to act normal too, yet inwardly felt there was something inherently wrong with me. It's been blowing my mind to know we're not alone 🥺 I hope you get answers, validation and understanding.

[@mslindsayh]

Me too... 28.... self diagnosed from the internet and having to fight doctors just to assess me. I hear you. Deeply. Thank you for sharing

[@utubeSEP]

Although, if you really ..”never minded the work that went into relationships; supporting yourself; holding down an office job,” you most likely do not have autism as that is contrary to the main symptoms of it. Thank you for watching and having an open heart 💜 I do hope you find or have found the answers you were seeking on your journey. Peace be with you.

[@pinkerhero]

"I can push through. But should I?" THANK YOU

[@fullofgrace91]

15:03 "You can't tell from looking that I'm Maori but I am; you can't tell by looking that I'm autistic but I am; you can't tell anything about anyone by looking anymore; there is no 'normal;' there is no 'real world,' only the one we decide and the one we create; you may be 'weird' and you may be 'different,' but you belong here, your existence our existence rewrites 'normal.' POWERFUL WORDS

[@fifinoir]

Oh god I cried to this. I was diagnosed at 35. I often feel like a fraud with my autistic label as there is so much I don’t feel I relate to but I related to this. I don’t know how to live free as myself because I’m not really sure what I’ve masked about myself since a child it’s so ingrained. Is it usual not to know or realise what you mask about your traits?

[@seaweedbeach]

I feel the exact same way.

[@14Cathy14]

this a 100%

[@melanierobson3336]

Yeah, its common. This is me also, diagnosed at age 48 or so. I had no idea I was in the autistic closet. I suffered a lot of anxiety and depression, and I noticed that when I was at home I felt awful, but if I went out in public I almost immediately felt better, but not always. It confused me because I didn't like it most of the time, sometimes it backfired and I got embarrassed because I'd have to flee, or I knew I looked anxious and weird. I didn't know I was overstimulated. Didn't know I was pretending that I felt normal enough to just try and pass as "one of them", and I spent decades trying to "fix myself". I don't think I once genuinely felt better doing this, because it was always just small bursts, and I'd even go to therapy and the therapist told me I seemed fine and presented well. Then I'd go home and think "why didn't I tell him x??" Even that took me years to realize I wasn't sharing anything genuine. I just kept trying. Neurotypical mental health, I'm convinced, is harmful to divergent ppl. I watched a video with Natalie Englebrecht and her partner Martin where they talked about this. They suggested looking back at your life and reframing it from the lens of autism. So like I have adhd and asd and an attachment disorder. When I was in school I was physically assaulted by an annoyed teacher because I couldn't stay present long enough to get through a page of math. Back then I internalized it as there must be something wrong with me and I somehow deserve to be mistreated and looked down upon. I fairly early on came to understand this was so wrong of her. But I still had a feeling that I didn't measure up or deserved to be mistreated. But now I have a lot of compassion for a confused, hurt, downtrodden little 7 year old who was scared, overwhelmed, disconnected and incapable of functioning the way the others did. The year before Mrs Brown and the year after, I had two kind and compassionate teachers who I functioned much better with. I do not function well with demanding, authoritarian type people. The world is set up for neurotypicals, I used to say. But I don't think its even set up for them. Its set up to keep them, most of them, functioning at the very edge of their abilities, and those who are a little weaker are labeled with neuroses. But I don't think they even realize it, unlike autistic ppl who are often acutely aware something is wrong. If you can find those points that you've been conditioned to think are your personal weak points and reframe them from the perspective of understanding how autism works, that might help you figure out where you might need a little self care and acceptance. If you find the wounded points, it might help you recognize the ways you try to hide them. Self acceptance is so important. We autistic people seem to get a lot of flack for being authentic, and it doesn't even take all that much for some of us to flee into masking mode, because a lot of us are also extra sensitive. Because of abusive interactions we become extra perceptive of other people's attitudes. Of course we hide. I've heard a lot of people say they choose to mask in certain situations or with certain ppl, because its just easier to get through the situation, so the damage is short term and it helps them get through the discomfort quicker. Natalie Englebrecht also discovered later in life she was autistic, and said that she's been masking for so long, some things have become part of her identity. Like she genuinely likes people and doesn't want them to suffer, whereas Martin is less sympathetic and would prefer to just walk away from someone he's having an uncomfortable interaction with. So its all in the framing I guess. Maybe you keep some of what started out as masking but now feels comfortable. That doesn't have to be a personal failing if you don't frame it that way. It also helps if you become more in touch with the sensations in your body, because your body won't lie if you are in distress the way your brain will. ummm.... I've done a lot of therapy LOL both with neurotypical and neurodivergent practitioners. I can tell you I progressed more with a divergent therapist in 2-3 years than I did in 27 years of non-divergent-aware neurotypical ppl trying to "fix me". Mostly I think it was me trying to do the fixing though. Self acceptance is a golden nuget if you can attain it.

[@TriforceLiz]

I'm in the exact same boat as you at 31. Listening to a lot of late-diagnosed neurodiverse people has helped me realize that what you're feeling is normal. Despite knowing that, I still feel fraudulent sometimes because there are still autistic traits I don't relate to in the same way as other autistic people, but I keep reminding myself that all autistic people are different. I also relate to not really knowing what's a mask and what isn't. I only recently learned I'm autistic so I suspect it will take many years of getting to know my true self.

[@tjh4026]

Same here; I was diagnosed recently at 53. I'm not sure who I actually am and which bits of me are the mask anymore.

[@biloxedoz]

"As humans, we look for sameness" “Just because you feel weird and just because you feel different, it might just mean you’re in the wrong place. You may not belong in your workplace, your classroom, your city, your family. But, you belong in this world”

[@joeewell4846]

I was born autistic, stuttered, and intersex. Since I began "coming out" about my birth condition in late June 2022, I noticed that I started finding more and more other people like myself, whether they be autistic, speech abnomolies, or intersex. I have always been told by doctors and family, almost from birth, that I was unique, absolutely no one else like me, and that I would never meet any meet anyone else like me, and that I could never have kids that I was sterile. I have over the course of my early life, decades ago, learned to live with what and who I am, videos such as these, and I really appreciate Stockman and others who have the courage to reach out with their stories which I find so similar and entrusting to those of my own stories, helping me to understand further my own life. I am happy with my own life, after having come to terms, and are still coming to terms, with what and how I was born in this life. I am happy, in a sad way sometimes, but still happy, especially just to be who I am. I have slowly trying to "come out", little by little since June 2022, and I still have a long way to go.

[@AnnaTheSucubuss]

thanks for this title. I was searching on how to be normal as a autistic person and now after hearing all of that i feel releif so strong that i cry on my laptop right now. Thanks for representing autistic people like that. Keep up that good work and thanks for making me less nervous about how others view me

[@showponyklb]

Ummm excuse me you stole my thoughts! 37 and recently diagnosed… my life means something different now FINALLY

[@azaramoon4027]

A beautiful talk, im undiagnosed Autistic age 63. This talk made me feel better about myself, thankyou.

[@sayusayme7729]

My son was late diagnosis as well, me at 59. Explains so much. Grateful to have stumbled across this beautiful person ♥️

[@jazmo6662]

Me too, aged 63

[@neshiah4747]

Me too, 58 🙃🇬🇧🙏🏼

[@59Carlota]

I can relate. I’m 62, undiagnosed and finally discovering myself.

[@AdeliaMS]

@@59Carlota Finally forgiving myself would be my frase.

[@tchalla3608]

I have an Autistic daughter, I am quite sure I am also Autistic. I have masked for so long, I don't know who I am. I start my days talking to the mirror and planning the conversations for the day, and how I will act. I see and feel people's response to my actions, when I get too excited and let it out. I just don't know who I really am.

[@mikebasil4832]

As somebody on the autism spectrum (Asperger's) and who was also diagnosed in adulthood at a most fragile time, I deeply thank you, Jolene, for sharing your very helpful and relatable wisdom. 👏🏻

[@quetzaltpa4450]

Me ..I'm 45

[@Brilliant_Target]

Crying at tv adverts, but divorce is ok? Thank you. You are the first person who's telling me " You're ok ". I mean.. I still hide crying at tv adds, I watch cartoons just by myself so no one can see me cry :D I know I live in a different world and I suspected myself from Asperger and Authism, yet I haven't gone for a diagnose. I don't feel I need to know what it is, as I've learnt how to work with that. There is saying every gift is a curse, but I believe that every curse is also a gift. Thank you for beautiful explination and story that I can relate to. Thank you so much

[@travassosvaldez]

Thank you. My daughter is autistic. And this is the kind of thing I want to teach her. There is no normal. Accept yourself. Love yourself. For me to accept my daughter as she is, to love her, is a natural thing. I want that it is a natural thing for her too.

[@quackaddict2203]

🙋🏻‍♀️ Teach her to love her "weirdness" and that she's different, not broken. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 34 and it changed my entire life.

[@trenttolman9443]

yo!?

[@otaku5869]

Just wanted to say that ur an amazing mom. That’s all she needs.

[@ruth6833]

She will be able to navigate life because she will have absorbed love and acceptance for herself through you ....she is blessed having you for her mum or dad 😊

[@im19ice3]

bless her, she made me feel so much hope for myself

[@memrawsome]

Same here I was recently diagnosed and this made me way more comfortable with it

[@valurhvalur3711]

She just made me scared. Only 9% get married.

[@valurhvalur3711]

I don't have severe autism but I still like some people

[@im19ice3]

@@valurhvalur3711 dont let marriage be what defines success or satisfaction or happiness, that like many other things is subjective and mutable person to person

[@raewynurwin4256]

Indeed, bless you Jolene for sharing your life experience.Recent diagnosis at 72 I'm finally at peace with who I was born to be. Wahine toa, but extremely vulnerable around my edges, was always conflicted with this so called anomaly. I finally feel comfortable walking in the shoes my God intended for me. Aroha mai aroha atu.

[@OneUnderground]

I want to share this with everyone I know but I know no one will watch it. That's all I ever wanted growing up-to be heard, validated and understood. I got the opposite. I attempted to hide the fact I could never fit in like a puzzle piece put in the wrong box. Always accommodated myself for others but now that I'm burnt out and learning I'm autistic at 32, no more! This can be a life-altering revelation for those of us who have gone undiagnosed. But it can also bring up so much trauma. Important to have compassion for ourselves more than ever. Listen to what you feel is true within.

[@hemaatemypancake]

Well said ✨

[@JoseMeeusen]

Thank you, Jolene. You put into words exactly what and how I feel. I'm almost 72 and discovered only two years ago that I have highfunctioning autism. Listening to you made me cry, because as after a long life of feeling alone I now belong somewhere. ❤💛💚💙💜

[@Odetoearth]

Sending love to you!! You are not alone.❤️

[@johnheywoodtrombone]

Wonderful you were diagnosed after all these years, living andwondering who knows. That's the oldest I have heard anybody being diagnosed, before this it had been early 60s. Better late than never.

[@alray82]

I was diagnosed recently in my early 50s. I understand now why I have got fired so many times

[@melanierobson3336]

Me too. Diagnosed at age 48 I think. Lots of years of feeling alone, I can relate. Now, some days I do and some days I don't, but I wouldn't trade my divergent brain even if I could. I think our brains are wonderful. Congrats on your diagnosis, and lots of love to you

[@faeriesmak]

Same with me. I am 46 and figured it out when I was doing research because I suspected that my 21 year old had more than ADHD…I was right. He has a textbook case of ASD. I don’t understand how it was missed. My youngest son started high school and all of his struggles intensified, they had been getting worse for years. He switched doctors and was diagnosed with ASD..twice. By two different profession groups. Then I took a good long look at myself with my new found knowledge and my entire life made a lot more sense.

[@WilliamDunBroch]

"our existence rewrites normal" im cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying

[@DarkeCrimson]

i got diagnosed with ADHD at 37 and It just stuns me how similar these are. I always felt like I didn't belong, like a character that ended up in a completely different story. Thank you for this. And thank you for that message. "You belong here' really resonated with me.

[@cassandranaranjo2895]

Autism is worth looking into for a diagnosis. ADHD and Autism are often co-morbid

[@dmperri]

"Our existence rewrites normal" .... i'm in tears

[@shannonmcintyre9117]

Boring to be normal. Your fine just the way you are. Perfect.

[@mythandmagic08]

"Your existence rewrites normal." I love that. Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if more people were autistic than not. That would be "normal" and the world would be built around us instead.

[@tangerinefizz11]

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 44, but I still dealt with the prejudice when I was younger. Even though what I had didn't yet have a label, others picked up on my difference, and I was frequently bullied as a result.

[@angonsframes]

my prayers with you .. i can understand..

[@jfilm7466]

I was diagnosed late in life too. I was always classed as the problem child and was unable to use my higher functioning ideas and inventions. Always being called mad because they don't understand these ideas, but I didn't know that people who did understand me were also Autistic and most of them have recently been diagnosed with autism.

[@1111Annie]

42 for me, i was angry at first.

[@johnrice1943]

Me too

[@evaeggen6928]

@@TCArtStudio poor you, but remember that what ever diagnosis, from a to z and white a few undiagnosed might Also surfer from anxiety and deppression, its not easy, but its not ONLY autistcs WHO does so, perhaps er all vet a little more autistic suffering..

[@MochaFab]

5:01 "But the texture of the feeling"... This is how my brain works. It's small things like this when I hear verbally expressive autistic people speak that makes the quiet voice inside say that I need to take the time and get diagnosed. Thank you for this.

[@CJ-vn8sd]

I found out I was autistic very late and it was a massive reframing of my whole life. Like an out of focus picture became clear. This resonates so much

[@Brown95P]

This video deserves so many more views, it's not even funny.

[@hugoquinonez2975]

This talk finally helped me understand why most of my fellow autistics prefer "I am autistic" to "I have autism". I also cried at the realization that just because I admit that I am autistic I have failed to embrace my identity as autistic. Thank you for enlightening me!

[@veggiemegroll9220]

It’s so true that you can tell when people treat you differently even though they don’t realize it and it sucks when you can tell you’re making someone uncomfortable by simply not even knowing how 😅

[@Matt-st1tt]

My sister was the one who figured out how to get my shirt tags out at the seem when I was a kid. Shes been my only constant I couldn't have gotten where I am without her.

[@xenon53827]

Er, how does she get the tags out without cutting the seam please?

[@elevatorface]

People would call me an alien my whole life. I would feel like one too. But looking at all these spaces where NDs come together to share their stories and support each other makes me realise I'm not an alien. I have so many other people on the spectrum who have challenges in an NT-centric society that I can't possibly be an alien. Even though I still feel like a visitor on a planet that isn't my home, it feels good to know there are many others who think they're just visiting too. It's kindred kind of feeling.

[@michaeltownsend429]

Thank you. That was beautiful. I don’t suffer from Autism, I suffer from people’s indifference, ignorance and assumed superiority. I still cherish people though. We are all precious. I have faith in humanity, and optimism and compassion towards myself and humanity. My Autism and my strength of Autistic identity give me that, and keep me here. That and Staffordshire Bull Terriers ❤️

[@THExRISER]

5:29 This EXACT metaphor (except flipped on it's head, since most people actually use Windows) is how rationalize autism to myself. Thank you for putting into words what I always felt.

[@yeagerdd]

You... made me cry a couple times. Thank you for putting in words what I have not been able to say. Specially "I can mimic normal but my autism isn't gone, it's just no longer your problem"

[@GraphicdesignforFree]

Wonderful Ted talk. Finally I recognize myself (at 54). High functioning autism, that's me. I'm quite intelligent, so I learned how to pass as totally 'normal', but that is costing a ton of energy. It's a bit emotional, to recognize all these things. Thank you so much for this Ted Talk Jolene, it opened my eyes!

[@karanseraph]

The part about the driver's license resonated with me. I also passed the written test first time but failed the practical test...5 times. In the 1-2 years it took to finally get my license i had access to different vehicles and they also happened to change the policies and course in my region so i had to keep trying to readjust to new circumstances and expectations. But I've been a good driver over 30 years now. I know it's a privilege or luxury but having access to one vehicle that's yours that you can set seats and mirrors as you need and not share and then practice driving in that vehicle is super helpful and comforting. But cars are expensive and with the underemployment statistics...well i get extra anxious about anything happening to my car if i don't have money for repairs or replacement.

[@kathleenmaryparker8662]

"Physical contact feels like an imprint ... " - exactly !

[@83sowmya.t60]

I’m still undiagnosed , but it really explains why I don’t have any friends. Like., what my definition of a friend is so deep and literal. but everyone else are so superficial (not blaming) and witty and they seem to be just fine with such kind of superficial friendship. Which for me is horrible .

[@chosensomeonelse]

Thanks for this video. This feeling of 'I don't belong anywhere why am I even here' is incredibly depressing and I (and people like me) feel a bit better after watching it.

[@LeezaCD]

The lyrics of the song CREEP comes to mind... great song to listen in those lonely moments when you're having a meltdown or shutdown about social situations that left you feeling like a weirdo

[@GreatGarlic]

I had to stop the video several times. To avoid crying at work in front of my colleages watching the video. This is me. You just explained my life. I've been "diagnosed" as asperger a few months ago, at 46 years old. I've been living "normal" for so many years and my body just breaks down from everywhere, not knowing what I have or how I just handle things. I just want to be myself, but I have no clue on how to do it. Many, many thx to you for this video. I feel relief in a way. Hope it helps other aspie as well.

[@waldosmyth8110]

Same here GreatGarlic. I tried so hard all my life to fit in, until I had a burn out at age 50 and was diagnosed 3 years later. Getting to know myself now and learning my needs. I noticed that when I decide to mask less and be more myself, I have no more cravings for drinks. Being with other people who are as weird as me is such a relief and feels much more natural as trying to fit into mainstream society. To Jolene: Thanks so much for this talk!

[@eileenfuentes6975]

I'm normal. (MY version of normal.) When people close to me call me weird or quirky, I always tell them that's why you love me! 😊❤️

[@mstmarieprov]

Her line about supermarkets - I completely relate. & when she said shes happy to come out, but shes still going to stay home bc she comfortable there, I laughed. I get it. 🖤

[@BurdenErnie1]

Thank God for the liquor aisle , nobody is ever really there so I know I can get to one side of the other store with no problems

[@mehulgajjar5084]

12:19 "no idea how to slow-down and protect myself" is true for me.

[@alicepayet5688]

I am 64yrs old, wow a description of my life. I need that label as it describes me as normal.

[@msims1081]

I have been a teacher of students on the autism spectrum most of my career. I used to joke when I was younger that I saw a lot of similarities between myself and the students I have worked with, and that a lot of the other teachers that worked in our program seemed like they could be on the spectrum too. But now, I feel like I really SHOULD get tested to find out if I truly do have autism, because I feel like I have been masking all of my life, but I can’t keep the mask up anymore. I also feel like I have suffered from “autistic burnout” and I find now that I am older, the mask has become unbearably heavy and impossible to carry.

[@paskalletje]

You can adapt parts of your life without a diagnosis. You probably already have, but can do more

[@second_second_]

Love how she gives a moment to appreciate all those precious people who made it possible for the autistics to go on with their lives. May God bless them all

[@vanessavaca1598]

I'm crying just in front of the screen, it's so relatable

[@XiaoliangZhao2014]

Found my self high functioning at my 30s. Explained why I am anxious all the time, easily get disturbed, got panicked when others got scolded.

[@chrisquinn-struck1266]

67 yrs old. In the work place for 47 of those years. Luckily I was in a union shop for 30 of them and had people to rely on. But no diagnosis. I literally put on a differentnt personal at work. But coming home to 2 busy children required a quick change. After facing down an offensive teacher I heard her say that I was not myself. Mommy's still st work chimed in my son. And Ii was. I have a diagnosis now. So doe my husband. Thank you for caring about the young.

[@emmanuelbeaucage4461]

"I had the required number of friend." i love it!

[@leanzadoodles5354]

I cried so much while watching this. I’ve suspected for a while that I’m autistic and recently from watching videos from other autistic people, everything just clicked and looking at my life through an autistic lens makes so much sense. I’ve always felt weird and different but I didn’t know why. I feel like I’ve finally found the answer to a question I’ve been asking all my life. I do want to get a formal diagnosis but besides being very expensive and long, I’m also scared of the possibility of being told I’m not autistic. All that relief and understanding will be taken away, and all my struggles will be all my fault again.

[@elsoc4728]

Same here. I'm shaking in stress "how to go for diagnosis if they can say I'm not autistic..."... And collecting money too.

[@paskalletje]

I've read that that is a common feeling. And some doctors have very oldfashioned ideas about autism. Trust yourself My diagnostician said "we can't help autistics with medication, but the more you understand about autism, the easier your life will be". And for me, that is true

[@giovananarezi7865]

oh my god when she talked about the supermarket being a nightmare

[@loqutor]

I was diagnosed at the age of 12, and had the misfortune of having parents who despite knowing, were too set in their ways. I had the label, I had the prejudice to deal with, but I also didn't have the understanding I needed, from them or all but a handful of my teachers. My parents flipped between babying me and expecting me to become normal through sheer effort.

[@losonsrenoster]

That is why it is so tiring to be among people... it takes a lot of effort and energy to be "normal".

[@melaniebotha3373]

I'm 46 and was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD a month ago after my 9 year old son's ASD diagnosis earlier this year. This made me cry so hard 😭. It's like you told my story. Thank you

[@owyn4126]

There's something remarkable about her aura l love. Like a good witch that wants to share her love and life with everyone, but isn't sure she'll be accepted for it. But here she is, doing it anyway, because she knows it will help those like her

[@BrookeE-yy4qd]

Yes exactly this.

[@YaGotdamBoi]

Man, my poor tear ducts. I really want the label too. I just recently figured this out for myself, I was missed as a kid, always wondering why I was so “wrong” when everyone else seemed to just be able. I’m 24 and afab, and live in a very poor state in the US, so who knows if a proper assessment for someone like me will be remotely possible, let alone any kind of ASD assessment. But the imposter syndrome is real, especially when working so hard to be “normal” works well enough that you can survive in a world not made for you, it starts to feel like your ability to pass is it’s own form of gaslighting.

[@xtina-ah]

Same here. I’ve heard it can cost thousands of dollars to get a diagnosis. What state are you in? I’m in FL.

[@maiyapercy]

Thank you so much. As a late diagnosed autistic person I really needed to hear this.

[@thechosenwon6762]

Mu girlfriend has slight asd and I love her so much she's a great teacher She needs a lot of reassurance especially at the start our relationship but it made me love her even more It funny our first date we diagnosed each other eith different conditions me with adhd and her with being slightly ASD best first date I've ever had she passed just before Christmas I loved her so much and I miss her everyday

[@bennyton2560]

1:16 "a crisis too big to camouflage" I wonder how many people found out this way? For me it was a painful break-up, that made me connected the dots (specifically in the way I communicate, and inability to gauge the other person's wants and feelings). Also it's cool Maori language has a phrase for us!!

[@s0phian0va]

Out of all the videos on the subject of "high-functioning" women, this one resonated the most.

[@Beeatrix]

High functioning is actually being redefined because it creates ableism. Please do more research.

[@davidpakozdi1548]

I’m being diagnosed now, after a series of meltdowns - in the past and recently (I’m 28). I cried to this, but it was a positive feeling. Thank you :)

[@TheChroniclesOfYarnia]

I am 40 and not ever heard of shut downs this makes me feel like I’m not alone

[@madhurisharma779]

This made me cry. I’m 20 years old and I always thought i was alienated by people, especially by whom i thought were my friends. But, I acted normal and started self isolating myself and I even dropped off my college even though I was nailing my scores. I still feel anxious to even go out to grocery shopping. I didn’t know i was going through meltdown until now. But, I’m afraid to express it to my family or friends. But I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been looking for online diagnostic tests, nothing is working out :/

[@paskalletje]

Grocery shopping is VERY difficult for autistics! Congrats on manageing that! You are not like the majority of people (some even LIKE shopping 😰). Learn about autism and adapt your life as far as you can. You do not need a diagnosis for that, just a library or the internet. And then you still have 80 years to enjoy 😘.

[@venenumletalis]

This is the best speech about women's autism I've heard so far, so relatable, I even cried a little. Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps to finally understand what is happening, and finally have that sense of belonging.

[@lowbudgetadvice95]

When I was growing up, I lost 48% of my ability to hear yet loud noises still hurt. If I was neurotypical, I would be hearing impaired more. I would not have hid under a desk crying and trying to push anyone away with a chair when the noise had been too much. I can't imagine what the sounds would have done to me if my ears worked normally. I can't imagine what my physical disability would be like without my brain's different operating system. Somehow, I think being born with Autism and ADHD made up for what happened after I was born (two years of ear infections, losing most of my hearing). I think my physical disability helped me mask better and gain more understanding. It's easier for people to understand physical damage than neurological abnormalities. Even if all three of those are technically labeled invisible disabilities.

[@gzeuskraiste]

I don't understand why she is talking about the difficulties in diagnosing autism, and then reeling off stats like "more than 80% of us don't work", or anecdotes about how we don't follow the typical driver's license progression. Why does she not consider the possibility of large proportions of adults going undiagnosed (as I did until age 29) precisely BECAUSE they are hitting enough of these developmental markers to appear "normal"?

[@joesullivan5013]

My Mother learned to drive at 50 and I don't drive, but I work, and I've been married 35 years. we do not fit a Niche. This woman fell pray to stereotyping us just like everyone else. The establishment already thinks it's a white male problem. Which is clearly Bull. Remember we don't think like they do so why do we keep turning to them for diagnosis?

[@breewhalon3971]

Im crying... im actually not alone?!. I needed this so badly. Almost every word... now what?!

[@wolf1066]

You're not alone. And not alone in crying, either...

[@amberrichards8078]

Thank you so much Jolene for sharing your experience. Relate so much to what you said. Having recently realised in my 50s that I am autistic and now after hearing you I understand that I had an Autistic shutdown years ago. Thank you.

[@kristinludlowUX]

Damn, this is powerful. "There is no normal There is no real world only the one we decide and the one we create you may be weird and you may be different but you belong here.. ---- your existence, our existence rewrites normal"

[@CreeperKiller420]

I see a lot of comments about crying, and I can say the same. What she said is very relatable. The feeling of being an alien, not exactly knowing why you are the way you are, how hard it is to do things that are "normal" that seem so easy to others. Pretty much the whole thing resonated with me aside from the texture sensitivity. It is so good to see that others have a similar world perception and that we can view it as what it is: a way we are wired instead of some sort of horrible thing. Thank you so much for this Ted talk.

[@JK-ri2yl]

I couldn't stop crying the entire video. She articulated exactly what it feels to be me.

[@kimwhiteker2686]

I can relate to this. I'm 58 years old and just realized that I'm autistic. All my life I've had many of the symptoms, but had no clue that I WAS autistic. This video has helped me to except this Diagnostics and to need the diagnosis. It's a weight off my shoulders.

[@PuftPrin]

Thank you so much for this. I'm finally coming to terms with why I am the way I am and why my life is the way it is. Your speech perfectly encompasses and embodies all of the things I wish I could articulate to those around me about me. I'm tired of hiding. Hearing this speech today has given me a little bit of courage to move forward in my life now. I don't even know where to start, but it's an incredible feeling to know that I'm not alone. Thank you, Jolene for giving me the courage to tell my mom.

[@nilajatulivu8678]

I began crying after the first 4 seconds of the video. I feel this to a fault. It hurts me so bad and I wish I knew about this when. I was younger. I have been failing in so many areas in my life and not understanding what’s going on. Everything she has said is so on point and describes how I feel omg this is a tear jerker for me for sure. Her jokes are amazingly hilarious and i do the same hand gesture and talk similarly to her as well.

[@ko.ala.b]

yes. i can push through as well. but i have to sleep for days afterwards.

[@shorelined1]

"Our existence re-writes normal". Wow. Beautifully put. I really enjoyed this speech and what a "silver lining" perspective it is, summarizing years of torture and self loathing for daring to succeed, however we could. Most of us who figured out camouflaging was the way to survive, to "pass", I bet also felt it was terribly wrong, and a betrayal of self. But what were our options? Totally FREAKING OUT and then really being an outcast?! No way! Thank you for this.

[@RemiOlutimayin]

I was checking off the boxes as she mentioned them. I don't (still don't) like driving. I had to play Maire Brennan's The Big Rock album during my driving lessons. Mask building: Looking out for micro expressions of rejection (a life long occupation) to course correct socializing. Thank you, Jolene

[@tylerpatterson434]

Our existence rewrites normal. Never thought of it that way. Somehow that makes me feel so much better.

[@lexiemaep7930]

I have extreme autism and just found out. I'm 42. Wtf. How did I not know sooner and how has noone seen this in me? I cannot make eye contact to save my life. I cannot talk without looking up. I'm extremely sensitive to light, sound, smell, interaction. I cry during commercials. Divorces don't make me sad. I don't cry at funerals. I just found out yesterday😅

[@4AmazingMusic]

I love how artistically rich her talk is 🌸

[@darrensanderson1031]

Oh my heart

[@harlowblackadder356]

She is telling our story... Also, this is the closest explanation to my personal experience as a female with functioning Autism that I have seen. It makes me feel vindicated. Thank you!

[@وِسَام-ظ2ط2ر]

"Our existence rewrites normal " Thank you ♥️♥️♥️

[@fruitmoth17]

As an autistic teenager watching this, it really hit close to home. I won’t go into specifics, but there’s genuinely so much pressure in general for us to “fit in” even if you aren’t autistic, but as someone who’s similarly had to try and act “normal” and do my best to hide my autistic traits that’s like an already existing pressure constantly. This Ted talk, although it may be a bit old, still hits close to home, and she did an excellent job explaining everything.

[@mollybus3214]

This is so beautiful. Im Autistic and more and more open about it. And working to feel good in this world. To thrive not just survive.

[@murtazaarif6507]

I was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 34 in 2014. I agree the label is very important. It helps us use it like a flag when words are difficult. We can't always repeat our life story to everybody all the time. This label belongs to us. Other people making statements such as everybody is on the Spectrum somewhere makes us feel as though our suffering has be meaningless without any value. Nice presentation.

[@ruth6833]

I am so awed and inspired by this woman....to be validated because we are here...to be reassured that we belong in this world and bring something unique to it. She has given me the hope to go on regardless how scary it can be sometimes....so grateful we have beacons like Jolene in this world💛

[@johnnyv5383]

I dont think you will see this, but thank you jolene

[@FaceConscious]

Beautiful speech! 'Just because someone's Autistic doesn't mean they have a special gift, they have a special gift, special gifts, because they're human, we all are.' - perhaps this is the message autistic people bring.

[@theincompleteskeptic8079]

I was diagnosed Autistic as a young person and learned to adapt enough to exist in this so-called 'normal' world of ours. I'm also in Toastmasters and they say to make eye-contact more. LOL! I'm still working on that one, but the experience and practice in groups help me. Glad I learned about this video! Thank you thank you thank you!

[@angonsframes]

maybe i can help you ..

[@petertseglakof4568]

A way of processing. Honour the carers. Rigged up life and millions of decisions for passing as normal. Comfort of the majority. What a share!

[@souljacem]

This was one of the most valuable talks I‘ve ever seen

[@Odetoearth]

Awesome and inspiring! I’m feeling this a lot since I am 45 and have just been diagnosed with “high functioning’’ ADHD!!! Yes HIGH FUNCTIONING, meaning that I too have been suffering all these years trying to make myself “normal’’, but a normal that feels so abnormal and draining to me. Thanks Jolene for being a beautiful inspiration and for being YOU!💜 My dream is to someday have the courage to be me and inspire others as you do. And what a beautiful world this would be if more people felt the way you do about funerals and divorce/separation, I agree with both those views and also easily cry at tv shows when nobody else does!🙂

[@romywilliamson4981]

"I aced my schoolwork, I aced my drivers license - the theory" wow, how relatable. I have now aced the theory twice over and may have to ace it a third time before I manage to pass the practical (it expires every two years).