Autism: How to be normal (and why not to be) | Jolene Stockman | TEDxNewPlymouth

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TEDx Talks

TEDx Talks

5 жыл бұрын

Jolene Stockman may appear normal from the outside, but it's what's invisible that gives her a superpower. Jolene shares her life since being diagnosed with autism. Jolene Stockman is an ultra-enthusiastic, multi-award winning Taranaki writer, who launched Braincandy, a media company specialising in transforming communication in 1998. She caught fire! Creating educational resources and supporting business growth through powerful writing and video - all fueled by humour and positivity. Jolene has gone on to publish three books for young adults, win media, education, and business awards, and become one of the youngest in the world to achieve the Distinguished Toastmaster Leadership Award.
But Jolene was always the weirdest person in the room. She still is - and now she knows why. It’s time to rewrite normal. Jolene is a dynamic speaker driven by themes of identity, neurodiversity, and world domination. Prepare for fireworks! This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Пікірлер: 673
@VeeJayASMR
@VeeJayASMR 3 жыл бұрын
6:58 "I can mimic normal but my autism isn't gone, it's just no longer your problem' Thank you for speaking my truth!
@eilzmo
@eilzmo 3 жыл бұрын
TheSucculentSquirrel this is a bit rude actually. I don’t like or agree with this. It makes me think you’re not autistic and therefore I’m probably going to discount most of this opinion... it ain’t fact - you just don’t get it. I understand your point completely and can agree to an extent - we force ourselves be sociable and amicable to create relationships to survive because if we don’t, we won’t. It’s simple as. But we are not socially disabled. We’re just other. I can socialise super well with other people on the spectrum and my non-asd friends socialise perfectly fine with other neurotypicals. It’s the crossing of the two that starts to bend things and suddenly I’m the one that has to adjust my behaviour - why? Why don’t they ever have to adjust theirs? I’m seen as the “weird” one. So they have the divine right to ostracise me? Didn’t think so. Neurotypical people need to fix THEIR disability. Society only has to be a little bit understanding, and everyone will get along just fine. Suicide rates will plummet, im telling you.
@skyfly200
@skyfly200 3 жыл бұрын
Yeah, this is totally on point. As for the person responding I as someone with Autism take offense. Maybe I dont want any friends who cant accept the true me.
@buyaoren
@buyaoren 3 жыл бұрын
@TheSucculentSquirrel you might want to search for a paper with the title "Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective" - it might change some of those ideas. there's other research out there that suggests it's more common for neurotypicals to reject interaction with autistic people based on first impressions than the other way around
@Yz85rider338
@Yz85rider338 3 жыл бұрын
@@eilzmo hey, we all have our own opinions, I don't see this as rude, while it may not be the "right way" of living! Fitting in, being "normal" however you see that part, it is the sad truth of the world we live in, definitely don't be a sell out all the time and push away your own natural ways, but expecting ALL the typical thinking people in this world to see things that way couldn't never happen and that's the demise of humanity.. back to day to day life, this quote is spot on bluntly truthful in my eyes.. act and speak as raw as we think and only US will take the beating of being odd thinking weird, too deep etc.. exactly as said, ESPECIALLY when you're dealing with people who don't yet understand much about you.
@FaethorFerenzcy
@FaethorFerenzcy 2 жыл бұрын
@@omardelmar I wish it would be so easy. Depending on how much you differ from normal, you alienate a lot of people. Sure, autism and other diagnoses tend to lead to lonesome lifes, even if we personal don't care too much about that, sometimes its lonely. Everyone needs someone from time to time, its freaking hard to be alone the most part of your life. (This is my opinion, but i would say i was lonely most of my life, i am sick of it, and also sick of masking. Its double edged.) Anyway, have a good Day Omar
@Sidneycozzoi
@Sidneycozzoi Жыл бұрын
This explains why I can’t handle being in even mildly toxic work environments. It is physically painful. My therapist convinced me to quit my last corporate job because “this level of stress will kill you if you stay,” he said. It is so hard to explain to neurotypicals that it is debilitating.
@ChurchfieldThinkTank
@ChurchfieldThinkTank Жыл бұрын
I am 59 and have managed to work as a software developer for 30 years but the pain has become too much to cope with. 30 years ago I managed it by spending most of my time self medicated; which, brought a whole new set of problems but at least I could work. Now, I don't drink. Now I am an angry, difficult employee that abhors everything about my job in tech industry. The pretentious coworkers, the lying, the unrealistic demands, the lies, .... I can smell a toxic co-worker from day 1 on the job and I can't move past it. I feel that I must leave my job because it disables me more than anything else I can think of and it is where I expend my best energy and that makes me sick.
@juliadixon8465
@juliadixon8465 Жыл бұрын
Hear hear. Would love to be able to communicate with many of the commenters here. Wish some of these would come with a signup list in the comments.
@jadeaom.official
@jadeaom.official Жыл бұрын
I feel you Sidney 🙏💚
@johannakispal3614
@johannakispal3614 Жыл бұрын
That’s why I work as a cleaner on my own. I have a degree and speak two languages fluently, but I cannot work in a team, negotiating, and just generally seem neurotypical. Makes me sick, and I had to leave my job.
@urruvar
@urruvar Жыл бұрын
Yeah "neurotypicals" have such different experiences than overpriviledge pampered people who think wearing glasses means theybgo through the same things as blind people
@seaweedbeach
@seaweedbeach 3 жыл бұрын
Thank you. "I don't wanna be babied, I don't wanna be tolerated" I just want to be understood and accepted.
@sharonjensen3016
@sharonjensen3016 Жыл бұрын
Isn't that what we all want in the grand scheme of things?
@supermariokenneth584
@supermariokenneth584 Жыл бұрын
@@sharonjensen3016 Facts
@elskabee
@elskabee 3 жыл бұрын
the way she talked about growing up without a diagnosis and then blaming yourself because you can't do the things everyone around you does and constantly pushing yourself because you just must need to work harder and then breaking down... that hit really close to home. I don't know what it's like to be autistic, but I do have ADHD and it's interesting to hear the similarities and differences I have with my fellow neurodivergents edit: terminology
@Dancestar1981
@Dancestar1981 3 жыл бұрын
Quite similar in a lot of ways to what I like to call high energy autistics
@moniquejacques1410
@moniquejacques1410 3 жыл бұрын
I hear you! I also have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and find the similarities with autism quite interesting!
@Keith0384
@Keith0384 3 жыл бұрын
Same here here, ElsskaBa. Despite my comment above, there does come a point where you can't keep blaming yourself and that you have a legitimate right to say certain people need some accommodations.
@heavencheungjohnson3098
@heavencheungjohnson3098 2 жыл бұрын
She relates to me the most. For a while I pondered why children are seen often as a blessing or a curse. My mother always told me I was the blessing, never see the person who raised me. I see myself in the one who raised me. Because they helped me see both perspectives, which allowed me to raise myself.
@heavencheungjohnson3098
@heavencheungjohnson3098 2 жыл бұрын
God
@hannahzd8097
@hannahzd8097 3 жыл бұрын
Anyone else watch videos like this and start remembering things that happened when they were a child and suddenly find an explanation
@stacypo3427
@stacypo3427 3 жыл бұрын
Yes
@sarahramos2919
@sarahramos2919 3 жыл бұрын
Yes, it’s like finally having the answer key to a test that you didn’t know that you were taking.
@mannuzan8791
@mannuzan8791 3 жыл бұрын
Her descriptions about everyday situations in the video just felt TOO familiar. I wish I had the courage to send this to my friends but I don't because I'm not diagnosed and therefore too afraid to assume anything by myself.
@MohanSingh-kg3hk
@MohanSingh-kg3hk 2 жыл бұрын
Very true !
@cockycookie1
@cockycookie1 2 жыл бұрын
Definitely
@eddgloss2435
@eddgloss2435 3 жыл бұрын
cried three times while watching this, i see myself in her so much
@340sunny
@340sunny 3 жыл бұрын
Felt this
@sayusayme7729
@sayusayme7729 3 жыл бұрын
Amazing video, thank you so much. You’ve helped me so much! ♥️🦋
@monikazeljazkow355
@monikazeljazkow355 3 жыл бұрын
:
@eilzmo
@eilzmo 3 жыл бұрын
Same. It was like someone read all my thoughts and talked them through her lips. So it was odd. But in a good way. I’ve never known relief like this
@skyfly200
@skyfly200 3 жыл бұрын
Yessss. Cried as well.
@CrunchyCrispyCrush
@CrunchyCrispyCrush 2 жыл бұрын
I cried the entire time while watching this. I'm 32 and currently in the process of getting diagnosed by a licensed professional. I was invalidated and told to "work harder" and "act normal" my entire life, but I've recently hit a major shutdown. This shutdown led me to doing a lot of research and self diagnosing as autistic. I realized that not everyone works this hard to survive... neverminded the work that goes into keeping up with friendships, and relationships, holding down an office job, living on my own and supporting myself. Thank you for validating my experiences and helping me realize that I'm not broken and I'm not a burden. I belong here. Thank you.
@OneUnderground
@OneUnderground 2 жыл бұрын
Same here! I'm 32 and have been in a severe burnout this past year. It's what's led to me realizing I'm autistic. For so long I tried to act normal too, yet inwardly felt there was something inherently wrong with me. It's been blowing my mind to know we're not alone 🥺 I hope you get answers, validation and understanding.
@mslindsayh
@mslindsayh Жыл бұрын
Me too... 28.... self diagnosed from the internet and having to fight doctors just to assess me. I hear you. Deeply. Thank you for sharing
@utubesep
@utubesep Жыл бұрын
Although, if you really ..”never minded the work that went into relationships; supporting yourself; holding down an office job,” you most likely do not have autism as that is contrary to the main symptoms of it. Thank you for watching and having an open heart 💜 I do hope you find or have found the answers you were seeking on your journey. Peace be with you.
@fifinoir
@fifinoir 3 жыл бұрын
Oh god I cried to this. I was diagnosed at 35. I often feel like a fraud with my autistic label as there is so much I don’t feel I relate to but I related to this. I don’t know how to live free as myself because I’m not really sure what I’ve masked about myself since a child it’s so ingrained. Is it usual not to know or realise what you mask about your traits?
@seaweedbeach
@seaweedbeach 3 жыл бұрын
I feel the exact same way.
@14Cathy14
@14Cathy14 3 жыл бұрын
this a 100%
@melanierobson3336
@melanierobson3336 2 жыл бұрын
Yeah, its common. This is me also, diagnosed at age 48 or so. I had no idea I was in the autistic closet. I suffered a lot of anxiety and depression, and I noticed that when I was at home I felt awful, but if I went out in public I almost immediately felt better, but not always. It confused me because I didn't like it most of the time, sometimes it backfired and I got embarrassed because I'd have to flee, or I knew I looked anxious and weird. I didn't know I was overstimulated. Didn't know I was pretending that I felt normal enough to just try and pass as "one of them", and I spent decades trying to "fix myself". I don't think I once genuinely felt better doing this, because it was always just small bursts, and I'd even go to therapy and the therapist told me I seemed fine and presented well. Then I'd go home and think "why didn't I tell him x??" Even that took me years to realize I wasn't sharing anything genuine. I just kept trying. Neurotypical mental health, I'm convinced, is harmful to divergent ppl. I watched a video with Natalie Englebrecht and her partner Martin where they talked about this. They suggested looking back at your life and reframing it from the lens of autism. So like I have adhd and asd and an attachment disorder. When I was in school I was physically assaulted by an annoyed teacher because I couldn't stay present long enough to get through a page of math. Back then I internalized it as there must be something wrong with me and I somehow deserve to be mistreated and looked down upon. I fairly early on came to understand this was so wrong of her. But I still had a feeling that I didn't measure up or deserved to be mistreated. But now I have a lot of compassion for a confused, hurt, downtrodden little 7 year old who was scared, overwhelmed, disconnected and incapable of functioning the way the others did. The year before Mrs Brown and the year after, I had two kind and compassionate teachers who I functioned much better with. I do not function well with demanding, authoritarian type people. The world is set up for neurotypicals, I used to say. But I don't think its even set up for them. Its set up to keep them, most of them, functioning at the very edge of their abilities, and those who are a little weaker are labeled with neuroses. But I don't think they even realize it, unlike autistic ppl who are often acutely aware something is wrong. If you can find those points that you've been conditioned to think are your personal weak points and reframe them from the perspective of understanding how autism works, that might help you figure out where you might need a little self care and acceptance. If you find the wounded points, it might help you recognize the ways you try to hide them. Self acceptance is so important. We autistic people seem to get a lot of flack for being authentic, and it doesn't even take all that much for some of us to flee into masking mode, because a lot of us are also extra sensitive. Because of abusive interactions we become extra perceptive of other people's attitudes. Of course we hide. I've heard a lot of people say they choose to mask in certain situations or with certain ppl, because its just easier to get through the situation, so the damage is short term and it helps them get through the discomfort quicker. Natalie Englebrecht also discovered later in life she was autistic, and said that she's been masking for so long, some things have become part of her identity. Like she genuinely likes people and doesn't want them to suffer, whereas Martin is less sympathetic and would prefer to just walk away from someone he's having an uncomfortable interaction with. So its all in the framing I guess. Maybe you keep some of what started out as masking but now feels comfortable. That doesn't have to be a personal failing if you don't frame it that way. It also helps if you become more in touch with the sensations in your body, because your body won't lie if you are in distress the way your brain will. ummm.... I've done a lot of therapy LOL both with neurotypical and neurodivergent practitioners. I can tell you I progressed more with a divergent therapist in 2-3 years than I did in 27 years of non-divergent-aware neurotypical ppl trying to "fix me". Mostly I think it was me trying to do the fixing though. Self acceptance is a golden nuget if you can attain it.
@LoveCrumb
@LoveCrumb 2 жыл бұрын
I'm in the exact same boat as you at 31. Listening to a lot of late-diagnosed neurodiverse people has helped me realize that what you're feeling is normal. Despite knowing that, I still feel fraudulent sometimes because there are still autistic traits I don't relate to in the same way as other autistic people, but I keep reminding myself that all autistic people are different. I also relate to not really knowing what's a mask and what isn't. I only recently learned I'm autistic so I suspect it will take many years of getting to know my true self.
@tjh4026
@tjh4026 2 жыл бұрын
Same here; I was diagnosed recently at 53. I'm not sure who I actually am and which bits of me are the mask anymore.
@EyeShotFirst
@EyeShotFirst 3 жыл бұрын
I keep watching these autism TED talks, and I keep seeing myself in each one. I feel like I seemed normal enough to slip through the cracks. I'm approaching 30, and I still feel like I'm asking myself the questions a child asks themselves about growing up.
@eilzmo
@eilzmo 3 жыл бұрын
EyeShotFirst what you say here resonates with me a lot. I’m nearly 28 and keep seeing 30 coming closer and closer and a lot over the last 4 or 5 months I catch myself thinking to myself, I’m nearly 28 and I don’t know who I am. I have no idea what I’m aiming for in life. I’m nearly 28 so why do I still sometimes have [what I no longer but have long believed to be] tantrums? I’m nearly 28 and I’m never going to grow up. But having watched x number of women standing on a ted talks stage describing the myriad ways in which life is that much more challenging to them, I finally feel belonging. I see kindred spirits and finally, at long last, people that might GET me. It’s weird. And I dunno whether I want to push for a formal diagnosis - will it help or hinder me? I hope you find whatever answers you are looking for, friend. :)
@EyeShotFirst
@EyeShotFirst 3 жыл бұрын
@@eilzmo I've been conversing with other autistic people, and I think it's helped me understand myself and also forgive myself for things I considered inadequacies. I don't know what a formal diagnosis would do for you, aside from the confirmation. Whether or not that gives you comfort or a cursed label is subjective. I think we're all different, but I definitely think you should reach out via chat groups, social media, even games will have groups for autistic people. A lot of times, you'll feel like you're talking to yourself. I heard it described as feeling like an alien most of your life, and finally finding what planet you come from and that there are others who speak your language. We try to pass for normal so long, it's so easy for us to slip through the cracks. Most of my coping mechanisms, ticks, etc...I would force myself to stop doing when I was in school, and that's when my grades went down the toilet. Teachers and family just thought I didn't care. In fact, they still don't think I care. It's just I can't fake normal for very long, before I get unwound. You tug on rubber long enough, it'll snap. I used to be so outgoing before the anxiety. Before enough people pointed out how different I was. I've had to hold back tears and avoid dealing with strangers, because I feel like sometimes they can see through the facade, especially once they've insulted me in some way. I'm a grown man, who wears armor made of paper.
@Dancestar1981
@Dancestar1981 3 жыл бұрын
Eilzmo I turn 40 next year female Aspie and I think I’ve just started to figure out what I want in life
@1wolsk
@1wolsk 3 жыл бұрын
I'm with you on this.
@user-lk9wy7hi1d
@user-lk9wy7hi1d 2 жыл бұрын
Same here. I’m turning 30 this year and have always felt like an alien, overworking myself to be perceivable as normal. This video hit home.
@azaramoon4027
@azaramoon4027 3 жыл бұрын
A beautiful talk, im undiagnosed Autistic age 63. This talk made me feel better about myself, thankyou.
@sayusayme7729
@sayusayme7729 3 жыл бұрын
My son was late diagnosis as well, me at 59. Explains so much. Grateful to have stumbled across this beautiful person ♥️
@jazmo6662
@jazmo6662 3 жыл бұрын
Me too, aged 63
@neshiah4747
@neshiah4747 3 жыл бұрын
Me too, 58 🙃🇬🇧🙏🏼
@59Carlota
@59Carlota 3 жыл бұрын
I can relate. I’m 62, undiagnosed and finally discovering myself.
@AdeliaMS
@AdeliaMS 2 жыл бұрын
@@59Carlota Finally forgiving myself would be my frase.
@minzaker
@minzaker 4 жыл бұрын
thanks for this title. I was searching on how to be normal as a autistic person and now after hearing all of that i feel releif so strong that i cry on my laptop right now. Thanks for representing autistic people like that. Keep up that good work and thanks for making me less nervous about how others view me
@pinkerhero
@pinkerhero 2 жыл бұрын
"I can push through. But should I?" THANK YOU
@JoseMeeusen
@JoseMeeusen 3 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Jolene. You put into words exactly what and how I feel. I'm almost 72 and discovered only two years ago that I have highfunctioning autism. Listening to you made me cry, because as after a long life of feeling alone I now belong somewhere. ❤💛💚💙💜
@moniquejacques1410
@moniquejacques1410 3 жыл бұрын
Sending love to you!! You are not alone.❤️
@johnheywoodtrombone
@johnheywoodtrombone 3 жыл бұрын
Wonderful you were diagnosed after all these years, living andwondering who knows. That's the oldest I have heard anybody being diagnosed, before this it had been early 60s. Better late than never.
@alray82
@alray82 2 жыл бұрын
I was diagnosed recently in my early 50s. I understand now why I have got fired so many times
@melanierobson3336
@melanierobson3336 2 жыл бұрын
Me too. Diagnosed at age 48 I think. Lots of years of feeling alone, I can relate. Now, some days I do and some days I don't, but I wouldn't trade my divergent brain even if I could. I think our brains are wonderful. Congrats on your diagnosis, and lots of love to you
@faeriesmak
@faeriesmak 2 жыл бұрын
Same with me. I am 46 and figured it out when I was doing research because I suspected that my 21 year old had more than ADHD…I was right. He has a textbook case of ASD. I don’t understand how it was missed. My youngest son started high school and all of his struggles intensified, they had been getting worse for years. He switched doctors and was diagnosed with ASD..twice. By two different profession groups. Then I took a good long look at myself with my new found knowledge and my entire life made a lot more sense.
@OneUnderground
@OneUnderground 2 жыл бұрын
I want to share this with everyone I know but I know no one will watch it. That's all I ever wanted growing up-to be heard, validated and understood. I got the opposite. I attempted to hide the fact I could never fit in like a puzzle piece put in the wrong box. Always accommodated myself for others but now that I'm burnt out and learning I'm autistic at 32, no more! This can be a life-altering revelation for those of us who have gone undiagnosed. But it can also bring up so much trauma. Important to have compassion for ourselves more than ever. Listen to what you feel is true within.
@hemaatemypancake
@hemaatemypancake Жыл бұрын
Well said ✨
@travassosvaldez
@travassosvaldez 3 жыл бұрын
Thank you. My daughter is autistic. And this is the kind of thing I want to teach her. There is no normal. Accept yourself. Love yourself. For me to accept my daughter as she is, to love her, is a natural thing. I want that it is a natural thing for her too.
@quackaddict2203
@quackaddict2203 3 жыл бұрын
🙋🏻‍♀️ Teach her to love her "weirdness" and that she's different, not broken. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 34 and it changed my entire life.
@trenttolman9443
@trenttolman9443 3 жыл бұрын
yo!?
@otaku5869
@otaku5869 3 жыл бұрын
Just wanted to say that ur an amazing mom. That’s all she needs.
@ruth6833
@ruth6833 3 жыл бұрын
She will be able to navigate life because she will have absorbed love and acceptance for herself through you ....she is blessed having you for her mum or dad 😊
@im19ice3
@im19ice3 3 жыл бұрын
bless her, she made me feel so much hope for myself
@memrawsome
@memrawsome 3 жыл бұрын
Same here I was recently diagnosed and this made me way more comfortable with it
@valurhvalur3711
@valurhvalur3711 3 жыл бұрын
She just made me scared. Only 9% get married.
@valurhvalur3711
@valurhvalur3711 3 жыл бұрын
I don't have severe autism but I still like some people
@im19ice3
@im19ice3 3 жыл бұрын
@@valurhvalur3711 dont let marriage be what defines success or satisfaction or happiness, that like many other things is subjective and mutable person to person
@raewynurwin4256
@raewynurwin4256 3 жыл бұрын
Indeed, bless you Jolene for sharing your life experience.Recent diagnosis at 72 I'm finally at peace with who I was born to be. Wahine toa, but extremely vulnerable around my edges, was always conflicted with this so called anomaly. I finally feel comfortable walking in the shoes my God intended for me. Aroha mai aroha atu.
@DarkeCrimson
@DarkeCrimson Жыл бұрын
i got diagnosed with ADHD at 37 and It just stuns me how similar these are. I always felt like I didn't belong, like a character that ended up in a completely different story. Thank you for this. And thank you for that message. "You belong here' really resonated with me.
@cassandranaranjo2895
@cassandranaranjo2895 Жыл бұрын
Autism is worth looking into for a diagnosis. ADHD and Autism are often co-morbid
@SimuLord
@SimuLord Жыл бұрын
I get asked at the office to join after-work social gatherings and I've finally, in my 40s, learned how to say no. It's been tremendously liberating. I tried married life. Lasted five years. Wife finally left on grounds that "you're emotionally unavailable." I can't even be around people I love once I'm just out of gas. I live alone with a cat now. I don't speak to other human beings outside of work. I don't pretend to function. I don't present as "normal." I revert 100 percent of the way to non-social and borderline non-verbal. I'm able to mask for eight hours a day, and I consider it the price of my independence. But that's all the world is allowed. Any more and I'd probably not be alive today.
@bilooo31
@bilooo31 Жыл бұрын
"As humans, we look for sameness" “Just because you feel weird and just because you feel different, it might just mean you’re in the wrong place. You may not belong in your workplace, your classroom, your city, your family. But, you belong in this world”
@joeewell4846
@joeewell4846 Жыл бұрын
I was born autistic, stuttered, and intersex. Since I began "coming out" about my birth condition in late June 2022, I noticed that I started finding more and more other people like myself, whether they be autistic, speech abnomolies, or intersex. I have always been told by doctors and family, almost from birth, that I was unique, absolutely no one else like me, and that I would never meet any meet anyone else like me, and that I could never have kids that I was sterile. I have over the course of my early life, decades ago, learned to live with what and who I am, videos such as these, and I really appreciate Stockman and others who have the courage to reach out with their stories which I find so similar and entrusting to those of my own stories, helping me to understand further my own life. I am happy with my own life, after having come to terms, and are still coming to terms, with what and how I was born in this life. I am happy, in a sad way sometimes, but still happy, especially just to be who I am. I have slowly trying to "come out", little by little since June 2022, and I still have a long way to go.
@MochaFab
@MochaFab 2 жыл бұрын
5:01 "But the texture of the feeling"... This is how my brain works. It's small things like this when I hear verbally expressive autistic people speak that makes the quiet voice inside say that I need to take the time and get diagnosed. Thank you for this.
@Brown95P
@Brown95P 5 жыл бұрын
This video deserves so many more views, it's not even funny.
@delilahhart4398
@delilahhart4398 4 жыл бұрын
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 44, but I still dealt with the prejudice when I was younger. Even though what I had didn't yet have a label, others picked up on my difference, and I was frequently bullied as a result.
@angonsframes
@angonsframes 3 жыл бұрын
my prayers with you .. i can understand..
@jfilm7466
@jfilm7466 3 жыл бұрын
I was diagnosed late in life too. I was always classed as the problem child and was unable to use my higher functioning ideas and inventions. Always being called mad because they don't understand these ideas, but I didn't know that people who did understand me were also Autistic and most of them have recently been diagnosed with autism.
@Capzmystic
@Capzmystic 3 жыл бұрын
42 for me, i was angry at first.
@johnrice1943
@johnrice1943 3 жыл бұрын
Me too
@TCArtStudio
@TCArtStudio 3 жыл бұрын
I'm 49 and afraid to get diagnosed because I have been labeled as crazy, chronically depressed and anxious and I think this will just make things worse for me because people just don't understand. If I seek diagnosis then I'm just looking for sympathy by the medical community when I just want someone to verify I'm not crazy 😪 I'm just autistic.
@hugoquinonez2975
@hugoquinonez2975 3 жыл бұрын
This talk finally helped me understand why most of my fellow autistics prefer "I am autistic" to "I have autism". I also cried at the realization that just because I admit that I am autistic I have failed to embrace my identity as autistic. Thank you for enlightening me!
@michaeltownsend429
@michaeltownsend429 2 жыл бұрын
Thank you. That was beautiful. I don’t suffer from Autism, I suffer from people’s indifference, ignorance and assumed superiority. I still cherish people though. We are all precious. I have faith in humanity, and optimism and compassion towards myself and humanity. My Autism and my strength of Autistic identity give me that, and keep me here. That and Staffordshire Bull Terriers ❤️
@GraphicdesignforFree
@GraphicdesignforFree Жыл бұрын
Wonderful Ted talk. Finally I recognize myself (at 54). High functioning autism, that's me. I'm quite intelligent, so I learned how to pass as totally 'normal', but that is costing a ton of energy. It's a bit emotional, to recognize all these things. Thank you so much for this Ted Talk Jolene, it opened my eyes!
@ARCMinistry
@ARCMinistry 2 жыл бұрын
“Our existence re-writes normal” ❤️❤️❤️
@GreatGarlic
@GreatGarlic Жыл бұрын
I had to stop the video several times. To avoid crying at work in front of my colleages watching the video. This is me. You just explained my life. I've been "diagnosed" as asperger a few months ago, at 46 years old. I've been living "normal" for so many years and my body just breaks down from everywhere, not knowing what I have or how I just handle things. I just want to be myself, but I have no clue on how to do it. Many, many thx to you for this video. I feel relief in a way. Hope it helps other aspie as well.
@waldosmyth8110
@waldosmyth8110 10 ай бұрын
Same here GreatGarlic. I tried so hard all my life to fit in, until I had a burn out at age 50 and was diagnosed 3 years later. Getting to know myself now and learning my needs. I noticed that when I decide to mask less and be more myself, I have no more cravings for drinks. Being with other people who are as weird as me is such a relief and feels much more natural as trying to fit into mainstream society. To Jolene: Thanks so much for this talk!
@CJ-vn8sd
@CJ-vn8sd 2 жыл бұрын
I found out I was autistic very late and it was a massive reframing of my whole life. Like an out of focus picture became clear. This resonates so much
@fullofgrace91
@fullofgrace91 10 ай бұрын
15:03 "You can't tell from looking that I'm Maori but I am; you can't tell by looking that I'm autistic but I am; you can't tell anything about anyone by looking anymore; there is no 'normal;' there is no 'real world,' only the one we decide and the one we create; you may be 'weird' and you may be 'different,' but you belong here, your existence our existence rewrites 'normal.' POWERFUL WORDS
@Matt-st1tt
@Matt-st1tt 3 жыл бұрын
My sister was the one who figured out how to get my shirt tags out at the seem when I was a kid. Shes been my only constant I couldn't have gotten where I am without her.
@xenon53827
@xenon53827 3 жыл бұрын
Er, how does she get the tags out without cutting the seam please?
@dmperri
@dmperri 2 жыл бұрын
"Our existence rewrites normal" .... i'm in tears
@mehulgajjar5084
@mehulgajjar5084 Жыл бұрын
12:19 "no idea how to slow-down and protect myself" is true for me.
@YaGotdamBoi
@YaGotdamBoi 3 жыл бұрын
Man, my poor tear ducts. I really want the label too. I just recently figured this out for myself, I was missed as a kid, always wondering why I was so “wrong” when everyone else seemed to just be able. I’m 24 and afab, and live in a very poor state in the US, so who knows if a proper assessment for someone like me will be remotely possible, let alone any kind of ASD assessment. But the imposter syndrome is real, especially when working so hard to be “normal” works well enough that you can survive in a world not made for you, it starts to feel like your ability to pass is it’s own form of gaslighting.
@user-lk9wy7hi1d
@user-lk9wy7hi1d 2 жыл бұрын
Same here. I’ve heard it can cost thousands of dollars to get a diagnosis. What state are you in? I’m in FL.
@veggiemegroll9220
@veggiemegroll9220 Жыл бұрын
It’s so true that you can tell when people treat you differently even though they don’t realize it and it sucks when you can tell you’re making someone uncomfortable by simply not even knowing how 😅
@s0phian0va
@s0phian0va 3 жыл бұрын
Out of all the videos on the subject of "high-functioning" women, this one resonated the most.
@Beeatrix
@Beeatrix 2 ай бұрын
High functioning is actually being redefined because it creates ableism. Please do more research.
@chosensomeonelse
@chosensomeonelse 3 жыл бұрын
Thanks for this video. This feeling of 'I don't belong anywhere why am I even here' is incredibly depressing and I (and people like me) feel a bit better after watching it.
@mstmarieprov
@mstmarieprov 3 жыл бұрын
Her line about supermarkets - I completely relate. & when she said shes happy to come out, but shes still going to stay home bc she comfortable there, I laughed. I get it. 🖤
@BurdenErnie1
@BurdenErnie1 Жыл бұрын
Thank God for the liquor aisle , nobody is ever really there so I know I can get to one side of the other store with no problems
@WilliamWallace444
@WilliamWallace444 Жыл бұрын
"our existence rewrites normal" im cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying
@shannonmcintyre9117
@shannonmcintyre9117 3 жыл бұрын
Boring to be normal. Your fine just the way you are. Perfect.
@vanessavaca1598
@vanessavaca1598 3 жыл бұрын
I'm crying just in front of the screen, it's so relatable
@gzeuskraiste
@gzeuskraiste 3 жыл бұрын
I don't understand why she is talking about the difficulties in diagnosing autism, and then reeling off stats like "more than 80% of us don't work", or anecdotes about how we don't follow the typical driver's license progression. Why does she not consider the possibility of large proportions of adults going undiagnosed (as I did until age 29) precisely BECAUSE they are hitting enough of these developmental markers to appear "normal"?
@joesullivan5013
@joesullivan5013 2 жыл бұрын
My Mother learned to drive at 50 and I don't drive, but I work, and I've been married 35 years. we do not fit a Niche. This woman fell pray to stereotyping us just like everyone else. The establishment already thinks it's a white male problem. Which is clearly Bull. Remember we don't think like they do so why do we keep turning to them for diagnosis?
@patrikzub8499
@patrikzub8499 2 жыл бұрын
Crying at tv adverts, but divorce is ok? Thank you. You are the first person who's telling me " You're ok ". I mean.. I still hide crying at tv adds, I watch cartoons just by myself so no one can see me cry :D I know I live in a different world and I suspected myself from Asperger and Authism, yet I haven't gone for a diagnose. I don't feel I need to know what it is, as I've learnt how to work with that. There is saying every gift is a curse, but I believe that every curse is also a gift. Thank you for beautiful explination and story that I can relate to. Thank you so much
@second_second_
@second_second_ 2 жыл бұрын
Love how she gives a moment to appreciate all those precious people who made it possible for the autistics to go on with their lives. May God bless them all
@leanzadoodles5354
@leanzadoodles5354 Жыл бұрын
I cried so much while watching this. I’ve suspected for a while that I’m autistic and recently from watching videos from other autistic people, everything just clicked and looking at my life through an autistic lens makes so much sense. I’ve always felt weird and different but I didn’t know why. I feel like I’ve finally found the answer to a question I’ve been asking all my life. I do want to get a formal diagnosis but besides being very expensive and long, I’m also scared of the possibility of being told I’m not autistic. All that relief and understanding will be taken away, and all my struggles will be all my fault again.
@elsoc4728
@elsoc4728 8 ай бұрын
Same here. I'm shaking in stress "how to go for diagnosis if they can say I'm not autistic..."... And collecting money too.
@paskalletje
@paskalletje 4 ай бұрын
I've read that that is a common feeling. And some doctors have very oldfashioned ideas about autism. Trust yourself My diagnostician said "we can't help autistics with medication, but the more you understand about autism, the easier your life will be". And for me, that is true
@melaniebotha3373
@melaniebotha3373 3 ай бұрын
I'm 46 and was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD a month ago after my 9 year old son's ASD diagnosis earlier this year. This made me cry so hard 😭. It's like you told my story. Thank you
@amberrichards8078
@amberrichards8078 4 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much Jolene for sharing your experience. Relate so much to what you said. Having recently realised in my 50s that I am autistic and now after hearing you I understand that I had an Autistic shutdown years ago. Thank you.
@venenumletalis
@venenumletalis Жыл бұрын
This is the best speech about women's autism I've heard so far, so relatable, I even cried a little. Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps to finally understand what is happening, and finally have that sense of belonging.
@ariadneravenwillow9322
@ariadneravenwillow9322 2 жыл бұрын
I just cried so hard. Thank you for giving me a place where I feel like I am relateable rather than normal. I’m glad I’m not the only one, and hearing these feelings put to words pulls so hard on my heart strings.
@yeagerdd
@yeagerdd Жыл бұрын
You... made me cry a couple times. Thank you for putting in words what I have not been able to say. Specially "I can mimic normal but my autism isn't gone, it's just no longer your problem"
@elevatorface
@elevatorface Жыл бұрын
People would call me an alien my whole life. I would feel like one too. But looking at all these spaces where NDs come together to share their stories and support each other makes me realise I'm not an alien. I have so many other people on the spectrum who have challenges in an NT-centric society that I can't possibly be an alien. Even though I still feel like a visitor on a planet that isn't my home, it feels good to know there are many others who think they're just visiting too. It's kindred kind of feeling.
@tchalla3608
@tchalla3608 Жыл бұрын
I have an Autistic daughter, I am quite sure I am also Autistic. I have masked for so long, I don't know who I am. I start my days talking to the mirror and planning the conversations for the day, and how I will act. I see and feel people's response to my actions, when I get too excited and let it out. I just don't know who I really am.
@davidpakozdi1548
@davidpakozdi1548 Жыл бұрын
I’m being diagnosed now, after a series of meltdowns - in the past and recently (I’m 28). I cried to this, but it was a positive feeling. Thank you :)
@THExRISER
@THExRISER 25 күн бұрын
5:29 This EXACT metaphor (except flipped on it's head, since most people actually use Windows) is how rationalize autism to myself. Thank you for putting into words what I always felt.
@PuftPrin
@PuftPrin 9 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this. I'm finally coming to terms with why I am the way I am and why my life is the way it is. Your speech perfectly encompasses and embodies all of the things I wish I could articulate to those around me about me. I'm tired of hiding. Hearing this speech today has given me a little bit of courage to move forward in my life now. I don't even know where to start, but it's an incredible feeling to know that I'm not alone. Thank you, Jolene for giving me the courage to tell my mom.
@eileenfuentes6975
@eileenfuentes6975 3 жыл бұрын
I'm normal. (MY version of normal.) When people close to me call me weird or quirky, I always tell them that's why you love me! 😊❤️
@BiaOrtizFotografia
@BiaOrtizFotografia 3 жыл бұрын
after 10 years being treated of the wrong things I finally understand and decided to stop pushing too much. I always refused labels (even age) but I think I will accept this... because of your talking. Thanks
@breewhalon3971
@breewhalon3971 3 жыл бұрын
Im crying... im actually not alone?!. I needed this so badly. Almost every word... now what?!
@wolf1066
@wolf1066 3 жыл бұрын
You're not alone. And not alone in crying, either...
@kathleenmaryparker8662
@kathleenmaryparker8662 2 жыл бұрын
"Physical contact feels like an imprint ... " - exactly !
@giovananarezi7865
@giovananarezi7865 3 жыл бұрын
oh my god when she talked about the supermarket being a nightmare
@jessicaholub2196
@jessicaholub2196 2 жыл бұрын
Yes! The supermarket IS A NIGHTMARE! Haha, I am ready to cry and run out halfway through lol!
@losonsrenoster
@losonsrenoster 3 жыл бұрын
That is why it is so tiring to be among people... it takes a lot of effort and energy to be "normal".
@XiaoliangZhao2014
@XiaoliangZhao2014 2 жыл бұрын
Found my self high functioning at my 30s. Explained why I am anxious all the time, easily get disturbed, got panicked when others got scolded.
@msims1081
@msims1081 Жыл бұрын
I have been a teacher of students on the autism spectrum most of my career. I used to joke when I was younger that I saw a lot of similarities between myself and the students I have worked with, and that a lot of the other teachers that worked in our program seemed like they could be on the spectrum too. But now, I feel like I really SHOULD get tested to find out if I truly do have autism, because I feel like I have been masking all of my life, but I can’t keep the mask up anymore. I also feel like I have suffered from “autistic burnout” and I find now that I am older, the mask has become unbearably heavy and impossible to carry.
@paskalletje
@paskalletje 4 ай бұрын
You can adapt parts of your life without a diagnosis. You probably already have, but can do more
@madhurisharma779
@madhurisharma779 Жыл бұрын
This made me cry. I’m 20 years old and I always thought i was alienated by people, especially by whom i thought were my friends. But, I acted normal and started self isolating myself and I even dropped off my college even though I was nailing my scores. I still feel anxious to even go out to grocery shopping. I didn’t know i was going through meltdown until now. But, I’m afraid to express it to my family or friends. But I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been looking for online diagnostic tests, nothing is working out :/
@paskalletje
@paskalletje 4 ай бұрын
Grocery shopping is VERY difficult for autistics! Congrats on manageing that! You are not like the majority of people (some even LIKE shopping 😰). Learn about autism and adapt your life as far as you can. You do not need a diagnosis for that, just a library or the internet. And then you still have 80 years to enjoy 😘.
@user-dz8rg6vm9m
@user-dz8rg6vm9m 2 жыл бұрын
"Our existence rewrites normal " Thank you ♥️♥️♥️
@chrisquinn-struck1266
@chrisquinn-struck1266 Жыл бұрын
67 yrs old. In the work place for 47 of those years. Luckily I was in a union shop for 30 of them and had people to rely on. But no diagnosis. I literally put on a differentnt personal at work. But coming home to 2 busy children required a quick change. After facing down an offensive teacher I heard her say that I was not myself. Mommy's still st work chimed in my son. And Ii was. I have a diagnosis now. So doe my husband. Thank you for caring about the young.
@charlottebuxton2066
@charlottebuxton2066 3 жыл бұрын
This woman’s comedy is on point..! Every time she told a joke I giggled 🤭 also very powerful messages, thank you for sharing :)
@ruth6833
@ruth6833 3 жыл бұрын
I am so awed and inspired by this woman....to be validated because we are here...to be reassured that we belong in this world and bring something unique to it. She has given me the hope to go on regardless how scary it can be sometimes....so grateful we have beacons like Jolene in this world💛
@moniquejacques1410
@moniquejacques1410 3 жыл бұрын
Awesome and inspiring! I’m feeling this a lot since I am 45 and have just been diagnosed with “high functioning’’ ADHD!!! Yes HIGH FUNCTIONING, meaning that I too have been suffering all these years trying to make myself “normal’’, but a normal that feels so abnormal and draining to me. Thanks Jolene for being a beautiful inspiration and for being YOU!💜 My dream is to someday have the courage to be me and inspire others as you do. And what a beautiful world this would be if more people felt the way you do about funerals and divorce/separation, I agree with both those views and also easily cry at tv shows when nobody else does!🙂
@alicepayet5688
@alicepayet5688 3 жыл бұрын
I am 64yrs old, wow a description of my life. I need that label as it describes me as normal.
@owyn4126
@owyn4126 Жыл бұрын
There's something remarkable about her aura l love. Like a good witch that wants to share her love and life with everyone, but isn't sure she'll be accepted for it. But here she is, doing it anyway, because she knows it will help those like her
@bennyton2560
@bennyton2560 Жыл бұрын
1:16 "a crisis too big to camouflage" I wonder how many people found out this way? For me it was a painful break-up, that made me connected the dots (specifically in the way I communicate, and inability to gauge the other person's wants and feelings). Also it's cool Maori language has a phrase for us!!
@CreeperKiller420
@CreeperKiller420 Жыл бұрын
I see a lot of comments about crying, and I can say the same. What she said is very relatable. The feeling of being an alien, not exactly knowing why you are the way you are, how hard it is to do things that are "normal" that seem so easy to others. Pretty much the whole thing resonated with me aside from the texture sensitivity. It is so good to see that others have a similar world perception and that we can view it as what it is: a way we are wired instead of some sort of horrible thing. Thank you so much for this Ted talk.
@souljacem
@souljacem 3 жыл бұрын
This was one of the most valuable talks I‘ve ever seen
@thechosenwon6762
@thechosenwon6762 2 жыл бұрын
Mu girlfriend has slight asd and I love her so much she's a great teacher She needs a lot of reassurance especially at the start our relationship but it made me love her even more It funny our first date we diagnosed each other eith different conditions me with adhd and her with being slightly ASD best first date I've ever had she passed just before Christmas I loved her so much and I miss her everyday
@emmanuelbeaucage4461
@emmanuelbeaucage4461 Жыл бұрын
"I had the required number of friend." i love it!
@johnmurphy8444
@johnmurphy8444 3 ай бұрын
Yep, I relate to all of that. Recently diagnosed at 61 the world is starting to look quite different 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to do this talk. Wish I had your speaking abilities 🙂
@marlaleemouse
@marlaleemouse 3 жыл бұрын
I'm 72 and I'm still hoping for that freedom. At least I know now that I'm not from another planet.... I think!
@jadegreenjade
@jadegreenjade 3 жыл бұрын
Mary, I'm 68 yrs. old and finally know why I think, act, & feel as I do. Knowing has not freed me, but knowing I'm high-functioning autistic, has given me an understanding of my history, and for that I have some gratitude. Thanks for posting here.
@darrensanderson1031
@darrensanderson1031 Жыл бұрын
Oh my heart
@kimwhiteker2686
@kimwhiteker2686 2 жыл бұрын
I can relate to this. I'm 58 years old and just realized that I'm autistic. All my life I've had many of the symptoms, but had no clue that I WAS autistic. This video has helped me to except this Diagnostics and to need the diagnosis. It's a weight off my shoulders.
@shorelined1
@shorelined1 Жыл бұрын
"Our existence re-writes normal". Wow. Beautifully put. I really enjoyed this speech and what a "silver lining" perspective it is, summarizing years of torture and self loathing for daring to succeed, however we could. Most of us who figured out camouflaging was the way to survive, to "pass", I bet also felt it was terribly wrong, and a betrayal of self. But what were our options? Totally FREAKING OUT and then really being an outcast?! No way! Thank you for this.
@angelaweaver4933
@angelaweaver4933 2 жыл бұрын
Thank you isn't enough to express how thankful I am that the autistic community has helped me see autism in a new light. I prayed to know what is like through my students eyes from their point of view. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
@rachelammundsen2789
@rachelammundsen2789 5 жыл бұрын
Jolene you are an inspiration, thank you for your candid honesty and your amazing courageous spirit.
@mollybus3214
@mollybus3214 3 жыл бұрын
This is so beautiful. Im Autistic and more and more open about it. And working to feel good in this world. To thrive not just survive.
@loqutor
@loqutor 2 жыл бұрын
I was diagnosed at the age of 12, and had the misfortune of having parents who despite knowing, were too set in their ways. I had the label, I had the prejudice to deal with, but I also didn't have the understanding I needed, from them or all but a handful of my teachers. My parents flipped between babying me and expecting me to become normal through sheer effort.
@quietspaceyoga
@quietspaceyoga 2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for articulating what I couldn’t. I felt so much relief watching this and knowing I’m not the only one who experiences this. Sometimes autism feels like a island ❤️
@kimwhiteker2686
@kimwhiteker2686 Жыл бұрын
I watch this over and over. I was diagnosed later in my life. I find peace watching this. Thank you!
@ShiftyFoxOne
@ShiftyFoxOne 3 жыл бұрын
The most touching talk I have watched in a loong time. Thank you Jolene, I almost cried :D
@robynstewardson
@robynstewardson 5 ай бұрын
This is one of THE best ND talks I have heard/seen, and I have many MANY under my belt. Thank you. Wholeheartedly for sharing your experience. How to stop, how to recognise our own needs, is something I am still trying to learn - it tends to be a kind of all or nothing so far. It doesn't help that I grew up in an environment of pushing thru, and messages of 'you are only okay if you are being productive', particularly now I find I struggle with being productive. 🤷‍♀️ Burnout has made it hard to be productive with the most basic of requirements, but when you mask unconsciously, how do you protect yourself?
@RemiOlutimayin
@RemiOlutimayin 3 жыл бұрын
I was checking off the boxes as she mentioned them. I don't (still don't) like driving. I had to play Maire Brennan's The Big Rock album during my driving lessons. Mask building: Looking out for micro expressions of rejection (a life long occupation) to course correct socializing. Thank you, Jolene
@crunchylegend1420
@crunchylegend1420 3 жыл бұрын
i'm autistic and this woman reminds me a lot of myself. seeing her like this makes me feel a little better...
@Gydjulind
@Gydjulind Жыл бұрын
What a fantastic, honest and emotional video. I (61, diagnosed at 57) can relate to everything you said. And I mean EVERYTHING. Thank you so much for sharing this talk ❤.
@nilajatulivu8678
@nilajatulivu8678 2 жыл бұрын
I began crying after the first 4 seconds of the video. I feel this to a fault. It hurts me so bad and I wish I knew about this when. I was younger. I have been failing in so many areas in my life and not understanding what’s going on. Everything she has said is so on point and describes how I feel omg this is a tear jerker for me for sure. Her jokes are amazingly hilarious and i do the same hand gesture and talk similarly to her as well.
@showponyklb
@showponyklb 10 ай бұрын
Ummm excuse me you stole my thoughts! 37 and recently diagnosed… my life means something different now FINALLY
@wantashortname
@wantashortname 3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this. Got diagnosed this year as a 27 year old. This is so helpful.
@gypsyjade7170
@gypsyjade7170 2 жыл бұрын
I am 40 and not ever heard of shut downs this makes me feel like I’m not alone
@theincompleteskeptic8079
@theincompleteskeptic8079 4 жыл бұрын
I was diagnosed Autistic as a young person and learned to adapt enough to exist in this so-called 'normal' world of ours. I'm also in Toastmasters and they say to make eye-contact more. LOL! I'm still working on that one, but the experience and practice in groups help me. Glad I learned about this video! Thank you thank you thank you!
@angonsframes
@angonsframes 3 жыл бұрын
maybe i can help you ..
@JK-ri2yl
@JK-ri2yl 2 жыл бұрын
I couldn't stop crying the entire video. She articulated exactly what it feels to be me.
@fruitmoth17
@fruitmoth17 2 жыл бұрын
As an autistic teenager watching this, it really hit close to home. I won’t go into specifics, but there’s genuinely so much pressure in general for us to “fit in” even if you aren’t autistic, but as someone who’s similarly had to try and act “normal” and do my best to hide my autistic traits that’s like an already existing pressure constantly. This Ted talk, although it may be a bit old, still hits close to home, and she did an excellent job explaining everything.
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