Autism & Self Imposed Boundaries - Learning To Be Autistic Episode 18

[@audiomatronix5904]

I wonder if those people who leave you those types of comments are leaving things out when describing their situation? First, let me say, I’m 45, very recently diagnosed, and I find a lot of wisdom in what you say in your videos. I wish I had known sooner that I was autistic so I could have imposed some boundaries to keep myself out of situations that are not good for me. From the outside, I look successful - good job, house, cars, etc… But, what people don’t necessarily see is that my job happens to be my life long special interest. The place I work is full of chill people, and bosses who let me to whatever the fuck I want all the time. What people also don’t see is that I don’t have my shit together. AT ALL. I feel like a child. I feel like it’s all constantly on the verge of collapse. I know what needs to be done, but I literally can’t do it sometimes. I wonder how many of those commenters are leaving that kind of stuff out. Also, “push through” is terrible advice. I had another profession where I constantly had to “push through,” and while I appeared to be quite successful, it WORE ME OUT, and sometimes left me in a bad place mentally. It’s tough to say for sure, but I think if it were entirely up to me, I’d live a much simpler life. Anyway, thank you for making videos. I find a lot of them extremely relatable to my journey!

[@angelocasting]

I wish people would understand that when I say I can't or won't do something, it's not because I'm scared or limiting myself. I'm just trying to avoid physical pain. Most people are more eager to write it off as laziness or excuses instead of listening and understanding.

[@danab3591]

It's so frustrating when people believe their own assumptions instead of the actual words we are saying. Sometimes the assumption is that I need my self-esteem boosted, when I actually feel pretty good about myself. So many misunderstandings come from allistic people taking that leap, instead of just asking and then believing what we say.

[@dlesliejones]

I just watched your latest video, and this one popped up on autoplay. You talked about pushing yourself and that's one of the biggest issues I've faced in life. I always figured I was autistic, but never learned or understood how it was manifesting in my life. So I pushed myself for years. Past meltdowns and into complete burnout. Not respecting my own limitations. When it would become too much, I'd just leave the job. I got very good at "surviving" the aftermath, the disaster. I think if I had known, or seen the pattern that is so obvious to me now, I could have slowed down or taken a break or something other than voluntary poverty for me (and involuntary for those who depended on me). It reinforced low self esteem as one more example of what felt like inadequacy. Despite having good skills, I couldn't deal with the work environment. I couldn't explain what I couldn't understand myself, until I researched and self assessed myself as autistic. As far as comments go, I often reread my comments and delete them, because I'm afraid they might have been too much. Knowing how badly I interact with the rest of humanity. One of my "special talents" (lol). Thanks for another illuminating video, they always make me feel like I'm not the only one.

[@DanaAndersen]

I'm really glad you didn't delete this comment! I can't put into words how much I appreciate comments like this that almost feel like reading about my own experiences, I do so much talking about myself on here, it really feels quite soothing to read that it's really not just me! I really want this to be a space where people can share experiences and opinions and everything without judgement or ever being 'too much', I always very much enjoy your comments!

[@AubreysPlaza]

I am 35 years old, and was recently surprised by my psychiatrist who told me to start reading about autism because I seem to be on the spectrum and it's opened a whole new world for me. Thanks for posting. Your videos help my perspective.

[@annestone5940]

Thanks for your honesty. I actually enjoy the quirkiness of autistic people. Keep honest and keep moving forward. I will enjoy your videos.

[@dancecommando]

Zing, another banger. I've seen comments like this about, the older and gone through it people. Well, I'm older, and ive managed to get jobs, and I still have support needs. Kinda good for them, they've probably got supports that they haven't realised that they have. They've probably had really hard times and been forced to hurt themselves and resent those who don't want to... or the internalised ableism won't let them see that some people **can't** do the things they have had to learn to do. It's also NT normativity think, that you're supposed to do the things in the particular way. Well, f them. But also I feel sorry for them for not expanding their minds to the plight of others, and how they're probably putting undue pressures on their own lives. They might have some sort of autistic trauma and dissonance. Don't feel pressured to be in employment. That's another NT think, you know what, capitalism means that a certain portion of the population is required to be unemployed in reserve for people who leave the work force for pregnancy, care for relatives, long term sickness and retirement ect. These gaps are also plugged with managed immigration, which is a good thing!! Frankly, there are plenty of jobs that are BS that are just there to make survival money, that serve no purpose for human society and hurt the environment. That's consumerist culture for you. The thought policing that you ought to be contributing to society via jobs/taxation is also a construct to keep people running the hamster wheel for somebody elses profit and it's deeply pervasive. There are plenty of other ways to positively affect those around us that go unpaid, like reproductive labour (raising kids and childcare), or volunteering, or making videos for the better of human understanding!!! You are enough. Never don't feel enough. Sorry, one of my interests is politics and current affairs so I tend to relate things through that lens, I hope a different perspective helps though! 😅

[@gmlpc7132]

It's easy to give advice, far harder to really understand another person's perspective and abilities. Anyone giving advice needs to realise there are no easy solutions and that "facing up to the fear" is far from guaranteed to solve someone's problems. Personal experience tells us that certain things are not going to work for us however much someone else thinks differently. Change is possible and sometimes it's necessary to be bold but both have got to be properly supported alongside an acceptance that sometimes it's better to do other things more suited to our abilities.

[@jessl1934]

Have you read Unmasking Autism by Dr Devon Price? They talk about a lot of things you discuss in this video. You might be interested in the book.

[@danab3591]

Such a good book! The concept of bottom-up processing they discuss really helped me understand my diagnosis.

[@64Rubix]

yes would also really recommend this book!

[@theresn01here]

Haha I moved one city south last May. I have a package i put together for my mother around the same time that is still sitting on the shelf because I don’t want to go to the NEW post office! It’s been a year…I’m THAT resistant

[@emilyg6193]

I applaud you for being so composed 1:47

[@shearerslegs]

I’m older than you, I haven’t figured out anything, I wish I could have all the things that people associate with a successful life however I have known a few people who are autistic and in the position of looking like they were very successful and it doesn’t actually equate with them being happy. I have known one couple who had to take early retirement on much reduced pensions than they had planned to have because of being burned out and my friend has frequently had to take months off work for burnout. I don’t think having all the material things in the world are a sign that you have figured things out in life. I’m sure there’s lots of successful autistic people because they found the right career for them and had a bit of luck but I think a lot of us are still going through life trying to figure it out day by day. I don’t know the figures but I know that the suicide rate for us is higher than the general population and I know of a young autistic woman who was friends with my Mam and she was very unwell and threw herself in front of a train. She had just been released from a psychiatric unit which wasn’t equipped to properly help her but she wasn’t a bad person or selfish she was trying to plan for her future but she just couldn’t cope, my Mam said that funeral was the worst she has ever had to attend. We need boundaries to avoid meltdowns/shutdowns or worse. I don’t have the exact neurobiology of any other autistic people just because they are autistic too and consequently we all have our own problems and when it’s possible we need to support one another not lecture and drag everyone less successful down. I really hope that whoever is leaving these comments goes elsewhere to make them, I’m sure there’s someone who wants to be advised in this way. Thank you for the video, it must be irritating when you are just trying to create a supportive little corner of KZbin and people tell you about what you are doing wrong. I think you’re doing better than many of us and you are kind enough to make these videos and I am very glad I found them.

[@goblinodds]

oof this hit home, idk why i managed to forget that people would give me that same "you have so much potential, you just need to try harder" line. i think i convinced myself that actually i was just being lazy and somehow even hearing autistic and ADHD people talk about this, it felt like it didn't apply to *me* because actually i *didn't* try that hard in school?? which is an absolute crock, i burned myself out before i got to college for heck's sake

[@goblinodds]

oh christ lol i hate the post office as well-- occasionally the staff are nice and helpful but usually they're awful and the whole thing is just a mess, i have no idea what i'm meant to be doing, the posted signs are more confusing than helpful, and the staff are even worse

[@placeholdername0000]

Imagine if people treated amputees this way. "Well, you could do it for 3 days, but now you're saying that you can't because your leg hurts where the prostetic leg is attached? You just decided that you can't do it, so just decide that you can walk around all day like a person with both legs." The brain is a body part like any other.

[@philipswann9753]

Yay!