Avocado Addicts Have Two Weeks Until Our Supply Runs Out | Russian Olympian Flips Off America

Unless you get your guacamole at Taco Bell, you could be headed for trouble as a nationwide avocado shortage looms. In sporting news, Stephen reacts to the image of a Russian Olympian who offered the United States a two gun salute during his victory celebration. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount+, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

[@impeachy1518]

"The Temple no longer recognizes your circumcision. You'll have to red-" "I'm OUT!" 🙌

[@likebot.]

I can just see it now, a 20-something being told the Rabbi is here for his recircumscision. You know the first thing he's gonna do is make _"The Sign of the Cross."_

[@wildflower1397]

😂😂😂

[@shermanculbertson6244]

I’m emerging from a long and tough last few months during which I’ve struggled a lot with depression and felt pretty down. Stephen was one of the few bright spots and he always makes me laugh and provides me with an escape from everything. Thanks to you and all your staff and writers for always putting on such a fun and entertaining show. Keep up the awesome work.

[@moonlightmelodiesasmr3766]

He is truly a treasure!

[@impunitythebagpuss]

Kept me sane too. Loved the show from his one room with his family helping! Glad he helped you too! Hope you are feeling better now.

[@Whoisjacobjones]

I hope you find peace!

[@adwelphinehas]

Good to hear you're emerging out of it. Focus on changing small things first and it will all snow ball into better things. Start with a solid sleep schedule, better food choices and then your physical health. It's amazing how much clearer and forward your life will be after just those simple things.

[@markelly-de1hy]

Music has been shown to help too. I have suffered from depression for years, lost my Dad in January. Music, comedy and reading, plus diet and exercise all help. Good luck.

[@danistauft5774]

I always appreciate that Stephen Colbert puts his imaginary props away when he's done 👍

[@mariamclaughlin3567]

That’s because he’s a former improv artist.

[@outseeker]

one of the few occasions jean batiste chips in to assist the comedy lol *plink*

[@JosephRHyman]

It's good to know that the Catholic church is taking the years of horrific pain and suffering caused by a priest saying 'we' so seriously.

[@MariaMartinez-researcher]

It's hilarious (so to speak), but the problem is huge. Theological librarian here. It is very much a disaster what that priest did. It is true that him baptizing people with other words than the correct ones makes the baptisms invalid and all subsequent sacraments possibly invalid too. Unbelievable but true (in all senses of unbelievable). Once I read a Wicca text saying that Catholic sacraments are magic. Indeed, rituals *must* be done according to the rules (you can see the priests even read from a book while performing them) and not as each priest wants to do them, to be "effective." However, as you rightly point at, there are way more important things to consider, even theologically. The people was not at fault, their faith was real, God cannot be limited by wording. Otherwise, Christian rituals are indeed nothing more than magical formulas.

[@beipiaosaurus]

@@MariaMartinez-researcher So is it a huge problem and a disaster or does the reality of their faith and an unlimited God make it meaningless?

[@flackstar007]

Well spoken, it is almost like each new translation of the scripture where words change to "better represent the modern meanings" are not what's at fault for confusing the message of an "unchangeable" faith. Or the unspoken fact that if the priest was using the wrong word for baptisms, we can only assume the mess that priest was making of the words used when engaged in "special prayer time" with the altar boys...

[@thexalon]

Yeah, it's not like he did something forgivable like abuse an altar boy.

[@tedlis517]

The church probably recognizes it's dilemma -- on one hand, it's a little cruel to say that those who died thinking they were baptized when they weren't are roasting in hell for eternity; but, on the other hand, they can't say that a loving and merciful god admitted into heaven those who died with original sin and other sins on their souls, because then they would be admitting that the church's rituals are superfluous.

[@SpaceForceCommander]

“When Mexico sends its avocados, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending avocados that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing avocado toast. They’re bringing guacamole. They’ve turned dark inside. And some, I assume, are good avocados.” 🥑

[@sagedakotalmft7763]

LOL Good one!

[@richiejohnson]

Terrific post!

[@sahej6939]

Avocado toast is a real problem. It’s like over $12 when a regular avocado sandwich is $6

[@cosmicraysshotsintothelight]

See that from all the way up in space, do ya?

[@ginajones2328]

Yes the avocado's have icky black fungus or ? And a horrible this month

[@deadshot8077]

“Guac bottom” had me rolling.

[@DuchessofEarlGrey]

These boots are made for quac-in', and that's just what they'll do...

[@gailmackinnon7328]

The absurdity of religion laid bare... One word invalidates a lifetime of piety. What a bloody joke!

[@TabbyLavalamp]

Gotta get those magic words exactly right or too bad, so sad.

[@rjonboy7608]

Please understand that these are the actions of men and their traditions. Nobody knows what God thinks on the subject, as we have not had any updates in centuries. I personally believe that if God wished to communicate on this subject he would have done so specifically and in detail. Instead, what we have in the Bible are specific to times and places no longer relevant and the only teaching specific to Jesus is that men and women should join together and grow close. He also said if they can't be close they should separate (being in Judea he cited a Writ of Separation where the woman is released, etc.) All the ceremonies came centuries later. Just forget all the middle men and go right to the top. Democracy is heavenly and natural. It is us at peace. Our Father loves us. If we slow down long enough to listen.

[@TabbyLavalamp]

@@rjonboy7608 I'm an atheist.

[@gailmackinnon7328]

@@TabbyLavalamp Me too :-) :-)

[@rjonboy7608]

@@gailmackinnon7328 you can be. But don't let yourself be limited by conceited men to rejecting the whole idea. Once you knock a couple dozen centuries of "my way or the highway" thinking you get back to the whole "be good to your neighbors" religion without all the pride and stuff. Works for me, anyway. I don't push it on anyone else.

[@Author_Alyssa_Taylor]

I wish he knew how MUCH I needed this today. I've had such a lousy morning. It's so great to laugh with him -- God keep him on TV -- and CBS smart enough to keep him on contract!📺

[@emekmek3197]

no kzbin.info/www/bejne/g4OxZGudoL2qabc

[@alex35agm]

Hey, don't worry about America running out of avocados.Ted Cruz can bring some back on his next visit to Cancun.

[@jana.villaverde]

HAHAHA 😂😂😂

[@kelly2fly]

He’ll eat them all and throw the pits at his constituents.

[@lolodee3528]

Eeww, Cruz cooties. I would t take water from that skeevbag if I was dying.

[@mauradillon7412]

😅😂🤣

[@rc4594]

@Alex 35: ..and there's no "guarantee" that he won't just "throw them under the bus" like he did his wife..his kids..his dog..his constituents during the LAST snow storm blackout..

[@nariblake6174]

As someone who works at Chipotle I look forward to customers saying it is my fault we are out of guacamole and that we have avocados but we are to lazy to make any more... yay I'm just overjoyed...

[@pc_browne]

Welcome to my life 😕

[@anthonynyingi353]

Seen Enough Karen's to last you a lifetime have we?

[@sahej6939]

Just say it’s now $6 for extra guacamole 🥑 and push the queso

[@madmouse7989]

🤣 Holy hell the vats of guac is what haunts me most from that job...and that was about 15yrs ago. I wasn't fond of avocados much prior to that job, but now I have pure disdain for them due to how often I got stuck making that crap.

[@deecohen1383]

Condolences

[@krejados1]

While everyone's panicking about their potential avocado deprivation, let's spare a thought for the avocado farmers whose lives are in perpetual danger thanks to the cartels that want to cash in on our insatiable craving, and who never make much money from all their hard work, anyway.

[@flackstar007]

That's assuming that the current Avocado farms are not already fronts for cartels and the sale of Avocados also help the cartels launder dirty money into "legitimate" investments abroad.

[@bt60613]

So true. This is the info that people don't know or who don't care to know. Many higher end restaurants in metro areas started looking for substitutes for their avacado dishes awhile back. The crime is only part of the problem though. The amount of water needed to produce a single avacado is prohibitive.

[@sophierobinson2738]

It's sad that the avocado was originally eaten whole by certain dinosaurs, which were wiped out by the comet.

[@Anna-tj7mp]

@@sophierobinson2738 vegan dinosaurs, friendly dinosaurs.

[@Dayandcounting]

Meh, they send drugs we send them guns, the perfect deadly cocktail for both sides.

[@bcomp12]

Him flipping that jackass off, priceless.

[@crookim]

Joke's on you since he won!

[@sillygoose635]

@@crookim well tough. we can still flip him off.

[@ericjohnston591]

Oh yeah, he's so daring and edgy.

[@crookim]

@@sillygoose635 Takes more balls to do it at the olympics when the whole world is watching, ratter than at your own show where your brainless fans are clapping!

[@niXonc0x]

The attention to detail and amount of effort that went into that CSI Miami joke... this show is a national treasure

[@hamlet1976]

When will you all get bored of the "National Treasure" thing?

[@Iris_and_or_George]

Actually looking forward to it!

[@Iris_and_or_George]

And there it is... Nice!

[@Surge1077]

The tirade that led into the "guac-bottom" joke was pretty darned good too.

[@hawkeye5955]

"Seems that avocado... *puts on sunglasses* ...wasn't all that guac'd up to be."

[@howardzdenek98]

Stephen Colbert is a national treasure. When times are bleak his comedy making fun of our political misfortunes and political morons get us through with sanity.

[@adamf663]

I, like many, watch comedy for news. The night shows do a decent job reporting the news while calling bullshit when it applies.

[@genuine3852]

Rachel Maddow is a national treasure as well, I will be very sad if she doesn't come back.

[@greeneyedlady5580]

@@genuine3852 Likewise. Rachel is one of the very few in TV that actually still do investigative reporting. She has a great way of pulling seemingly unrelated threads together, so the true picture emerges.

[@jsully8076]

I agree, I'm glad you find him as comforting as I do. ✌️❤️

[@ericklaus3972]

@@greeneyedlady5580 like the nursing homes deaths until she found out it was the Democrats Governors!!!!!! Then nothing!!! She doesn't do investigation reporting

[@JeromeBellon]

"... and you wake in a bus station covered in Nacho Bell Grande..." ... where you get arrested by the gazpacho police?

[@RenatoG1848]

Me: sits down for breakfast with his avocado toast Stephen: enjoy it while it lasts

[@ericjohnston591]

That's almost as funny as Colbert. CBS might give you your own show. They did for him, and he's a barrel of laughs.

[@FoxyAlphaRogerTango]

It's hilarious to me that CSI: Miami is the meme that keeps on meme-ing. It's low hanging fruit, but it still tastes great

[@ericktellez7632]

Low hanging fruit like an avocado

[@RedRoadWoman7]

I cracked up at the part where Stephen said, "and what about you, Rachel Maddow?" Then there's a clip from Poltergeist where the teenager screams, "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!!" as the house is getting completely sucked into the ground. i was laughing so hard that I had to literally put my head down and just laugh and laugh and laugh. I think all the major news networks should start including Stephen Colbert in all their round table discussions, don't you? 😅

[@BillyBob-fd5ht]

There here

[@lenawagenfuehr53]

That was Dominique Dunne, daughter of the writer Dominic Dunne who went on to get murdered by her ex boyfriend...

[@BillyBob-fd5ht]

@@lenawagenfuehr53 wow, now that sad.

[@geraldpatterson3903]

Colbert loves that clip of her

[@wildflower1397]

Cracked me up too 😂😂

[@Ansible1000]

That one shrieking woman is giving Stephen life, and I am here for it.

[@dianeblumenthal5951]

Right ?! But what movie is that clip from ? I'm thinking it's a horror movie from the '80s !!

[@vipermageex5861]

Poltergeist -1982

[@dianeblumenthal5951]

@@vipermageex5861 I thought so. I stayed far away from that movie !!

[@vipermageex5861]

@@dianeblumenthal5951 Good call, I saw it when I was 12 because my older brother did not want to see it alone. I was afraid to go into rooms alone at night for years!

[@dianeblumenthal5951]

@@vipermageex5861 Your brother gets a badly done !!

[@TheDanishGuyReviews]

"Could have been worse, at least it's not a Rabbi at a bris!" Holy Mohel, what a joke!

[@wilderjai]

Snip and suck

[@LM-fu9ro]

Been watching Stephen for as long as I can remember, my parents used to let my brother and I stay up late sometimes to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report when I was like 8 or 9. I'm 24 now and he remains one of my favorite news sources. What a treasure

[@saltysleigh7838]

Steven got so carried away with the flipping the bird jokes he called it womens finger skating. Great blooper Steven spot on❤

[@TalkingToLeedskalnin]

Dont type that phrase into the pornhub search engine tho.

[@JaydragonM]

He better be careful tho. He doesn't want the police to hear him saying things about "finger-skating" with a 15 year old.

[@saltysleigh7838]

@@JaydragonM he's a nice catholic boy I'm sure he didn't make a subconscious slip of the tongue like that. He's gonna have some explaining to do when he gets home tonight🤣🤣

[@cosmicraysshotsintothelight]

There were fingers all over the highway in Mystic Connecticut.

[@allisonjames2923]

Was it a blooper though? 🤔

[@rca-in-glasgow6781]

You and your writers never fail to make me laugh. Such a welcome relief! Than you!

[@playnicechannel]

Since the writers have taken a moment off of jokes about our neighbors… Please let me be the first to congratulate the Canadian Women’s Hockey Team’s Gold medal in a nail biting battle on the ice.WELL DONE YOU ! 🇺🇸❤️🇨🇦

[@malavoy1]

They battled to bite off the nails of the opposing team? 😀

[@playnicechannel]

@@malavoy1 Nah… just the audience 😂

[@ericktellez7632]

They are still writing jokes about your neighbors… us you ungrateful gringo 😡 who is picking the guacamoles for your girlfriend’s breakfast toast???

[@mercuryangel9223]

OMG avocado becoming 'toast' due to an upcoming shortage segment was hilarious!! What will we do without Stephen getting us through these times?

[@cosmicraysshotsintothelight]

Hemp Hearts... Protein content second only to soy, and more Omega 3s than any other source. And also quite legal. We could feed the unfed masses in the world with it. We should be growing thousands of acres of it.

[@aslbyweller]

I love the Rachel segment…good throwback to poltergeist (I think, my memory isn’t as good to the shortage of healthy fats from the avocado shortage). I hope she got a good laugh from that.

[@gregbors8364]

Yeah, it’s a scene from Poltergeist

[@PrimeObserver-1]

I am sure that she did, if she saw it. She is a sport.

[@tdsims1963]

Your aside about "memory shortage" is comedy gold🤣🤣🤣!!

[@pirobot668beta]

Here in Washington State, you can't buy a decent local apple. The best 95% go out for export, the dried-out crappy ones stay in state. Sometimes, living too close the orchard is the problem.

[@allisonjames2923]

Don’t your local orchards sell some decent ones direct to the public?

[@ericminch]

The Okanagan Valley is just over the border; they've got loads of apples and other fruit.

[@docjojo1416]

Same with watermelons in Texas...the best go elsewhere like Japan

[@TimothyChenAllen]

10/10 for the avocado joke sequence (and a 3 from the Russian judge)

[@jewelslipps7381]

I was hoping for “Avacad-gone”

[@JohnDoe-jh5yr]

Have friend with avocado allergy and accidentally had taco bell's guac, no effect. It's likely about as real as Subway's tunafish.

[@coyoteboy5601]

If you look closely, you'll see they spell it 'toonaphish.' So, no harm done, right?

[@jeffs6090]

Or about as real as Taco Bell beef.

[@cosmicraysshotsintothelight]

Durkee Foods made the flavor for them. Guaranteed not to have too much PCBs in it.

[@H1nD009]

here in mexico we have had avocado shortages (or steep price hikes) from time to time (because we export most of it, ironically) so restaurants came up with a recipe using different herbs. I dont remember how it's made, but the result is a near identical flavor, at a fraction of the cost and it doesnt go brown as a real one would after a while. So i guess thats what they did...or at least i hope so!

[@Ninety9Ninjas66]

Or your friend lied to you about a avocado allergy

[@JoRiver11]

So the magical sky daddy can't see the ceremony because one word was said wrong? Absurdity stacked on top of absurdity.

[@darkstorminc]

Well he is an absentee landlord

[@dyscotopia]

I recall many years ago, talking to someone who worked at Taco Bell telling me that anything they could rehydrate from a powder was. So, somewhere there's a large warehouse filled with crates of instant guacamole mix.

[@mtaylor7307]

Not Del Taco, though. Always fresh.

[@dyscotopia]

@@mtaylor7307 so they better be hoarding avocados for the impending avocapocalypse. I also vaguely recall that large parts of the avocado trade are run by Mexican cartels, so maybe Del Taco can substitute cocaine?

[@mtaylor7307]

@@dyscotopia why are hating on the Del. Their food taste better than the Bell.

[@dyscotopia]

@@mtaylor7307 no hate. Just an observation and a joke. Any tex mex or sushi restaurant of any ability that uses fresh avocados is going to be stressing. I'm Canadian. We don't have Del Taco. I'm sure it's great. We have Taco Del Mar and that's pretty good.

[@KertaDrake]

I bet it's row after row of old wooden crates dating back almost a century guarded by top hombres.

[@ernestomarcos0103]

Gotta say, hearing about a Catholic priest doing something wrong thousands of times over the years and it being baptizing is quite refreshing.

[@tfdbudtz]

Yes! Although I am puzzled by the priroties the church sets. "He did what to the altar boy? Now that's a pickle. Reassign him to another victim ... ah ... I mean perish." "HE SAID WE INSTEAD OF I? THAT'S INTOLERABLE! LET'S ROLL UP THAT CASE AND REDO ALL THE BAPTISMS!"

[@madyjules06]

Ernesto, I couldn’t agree with you more! I read about the priest who erred unknowingly by saying “we” instead of “I” during these baptisms. According to all his parishioners he is a genuinely caring & deeply good man who served the people of his church with excellence for decades. So we have one good priest who has now been forced to resign over the utterance of one incorrect word. It’s absolutely ridiculous & a total sham. The Pope must give dispensation to all those who were “incorrectly” baptized immediately. This is monumental BS!! A decent priest gets fired for uttering one wrong word but all the thousands of pedophile priests who have destroyed the lives of countless innocents worldwide are simply shuffled from one parish to another! Absolutely sickening 🤢

[@veramae4098]

I'm a Lutheran. WE TOLD THE WORLD ABOUT CATHOLICS A LONG TIME AGO! Jeesh, don't they have anything more important to do. Like helping abused kids?

[@bargdaffy1535]

"When Invading a Foreign Country amass a huge force directly outside their border for weeks on end so that they know you are coming" Sun Tzu never said.

[@susanfarley1332]

Maybe he said it in his other book , "The Art of Bullying and Intimidation".

[@anibaldamiao]

That’s exactly what the US did in Kuwait. It allows diplomacy to have one last card

[@avamasquerade]

Maybe not, but he did say "The whole secret lies in confusing the enemy so that he cannot fathom our true intent"

[@jvdspuy2555]

lol, or that an adversary would give them the exact time and day of when to invade. Yeah at around 12:31 we thought we would do it. he he he. And now that they are leaving suddenly all the lens caps are on the spy satellites and all the drones have run out of gas so no confirmation can be done. Weird.....it's almost like the MIC wants the hysteria to continue so they can make more arms deals. Cause they are laughing all the way to the bank. So many deals have already been made just on the threat of war. This whole thing is so over the top it's actually funny watching them try to keep the momentum going and the ratings up.

[@wpl8275]

My interpretation of what Russia is doing is mixed. I think they are sending a signal to NATO to butt out of their affairs. Don't cozy up to Ukraine. That way they can apply their pressure on that country to fall in line with them. Another thing is that Putin got stiffed in the US election because his good buddy lost. This is his way of venting his frustration out.

[@C-Ra]

Out of all the things the church needs to go back and check on they decided to choose this?

[@astaraoneill9166]

Right?!!

[@bbirda1287]

Literally, "We can't find 1000 pedophiles, but we have strict recordings of the exact words at your baptism which we will strictly enforce!"

[@blackbird5634]

Just WAIT till Marjorie Taylor Greene hears about the "GUACAMOLE POLICE!" Have mercy!!

[@kevincanning3051]

A Poltergeist, CSI Miami and a Star Wars reference all in one monologue. Brilliant.

[@8arrows]

They took other medals away for less.

[@AnnieWarbux]

You're right. This girl should be disqualified for drug use and for being STUPID enough to tell such blatant LIES!

[@Sarcasticron]

It's a good thing Jesus never said that people must be formally baptised, or have priests do any sort of sacraments, in order to be "saved." He just said that we have to love our neighbours, help the poor, and heal the sick. Baptism is a symbolic ritual to show your devotion, not a magic spell without which God can't accept you.

[@yeeaahBUDDY]

and this is why catholicism is especially dumb. Say 3 hail marys, 2 our fathers, put your left foot in put your left foot out, do the hokey pokey, and a partridge in a pear tree. There, now god forgives you. Wait, you only said 2 and a half hail marys, god is still mad at you!

[@SaintlyAussie]

@Get Zappéd 1974 Maybe the Muslim can just increase the volume of the prayer by 50% to offset the 70% misalignment?

[@MaryAnnNytowl]

I can't stress enough how these people have continued to be one of the very few bright spots in my otherwise very dark world. Sadly, I see no way to rid myself of the darkness when I a) don't know what I did wrong to get here, b) can't get a second chance, and c) have lost the only person that has ever mattered to me more than life, itself, after 40 years of loving him. So I must seek out every tiny little bright spot I can, in order to simply get through the days. I thank these people for being one of those bright spots, every single day I can watch them.

[@wildflower1397]

You will get another chance, I promise. Heartache is so intensely painful at first, but it really does get easier over time. You just need to hang on until you are in the sunshine again. Also, you don't have to do it alone. Talk to loved ones, get professional support, or let your friends know you need someone to lean on for a bit. 💖

[@kevinpotts123]

That avocado shooting out of his gun is hilarious.

[@queenofzenk]

luckily in like 5 years i might have an avocado, as long as i don't kill my baby tree 🌱 in the meantime

[@piotrk5801]

They didn't even say it was "a mix-up". They actually said that "she drank from the same glass as her grandfather" I mean ...

[@KeithBab]

Fortunately testing positive for vodka isn't an issue.

[@allisonjames2923]

So her grandfather dissolves all his medication into a glass of vodka? 🤔 Sounds very Russian 😳 (& I’m half Russian so I can say that)

[@kenna163]

I'm positive doping wasn't her idea.

[@piotrk5801]

@@kenna163 i'm 99% sure it wasn't. I'd say it's extremely unlikely she even knew about it. But still it could've helped her win the competition.

[@kenna163]

@@piotrk5801 it's sad because she's so young

[@EDDIELANE]

Rachel Maddow is that person in the class who asks the perfect question, every time.

[@johnhobson9165]

The whole thing about those baptisms is the sort of legalistic nitpicking that Jesus condemned the Pharisees for.

[@adamf663]

I've joked when putting groceries away: should we put the spinach/avacodos/etc. in the fridge, or cut to the chase and put it directly in the trash?

[@jasonarthurs3885]

I do this with kale.

[@LindaVernon]

@@jasonarthurs3885 Lettuce.

[@givemeahappyending]

It’s really shameful how many fruits and veggies I’ve bought with good intentions only to be throwing them away a few weeks later. I feel dreadful about it, but then if I don’t buy them I feel even worse for not making the effort.

[@user-pn1fe6sg2w]

My greens usually go in my rabbit Roombas. 🐇🐇🐇🐇

[@innocentshorti]

@@givemeahappyending putting certain veggies in a mason jar of water extends the lifespan of the veggies for consumption. here's to more healthy meals :)

[@mmuller199]

I really wish Stephen had referenced his character from Rick and Morty and said "Peace among worlds" when he flipped off that Russian

[@gretchen8100]

🤣🤣🤣

[@450oyster]

Missed opportunity.

[@terrynicholetti4090]

Here's one more thank you to Stephen and your staff for making me laugh out loud when I might otherwise be crying. You are a gift to us. May you be blessed with many many moments of joy!

[@emekmek3197]

no kzbin.info/www/bejne/g4OxZGudoL2qabc

[@elram2649]

I've got two avocado trees in my garden so my supply's secure. 😋🥑👌

[@twistysprinkles8586]

If you do panic buy avocados store them in a glass container with a lid full of water in your fridge. They'll last weeks longer that way!

[@melissas7589]

thanks!

[@professorsprout3382]

I hope that works I will try it because our last 3 beautiful chubby Avos need to last.

[@GigiTupas]

Stephen, love love love your brand of humor! Thank you for showing us the funny side of daily life, in spite of how frightening, frustrating or foolhardy it can be. 💕

[@hellshade2]

wow, an avocado shortage! No more Guac-a-mole!!!

[@nicolebrown1927]

I love when Colbert and crew put their own voiceovers in original footage. That will never cease to have me laughin so hard that I can't catch my breath!💙😂

[@worldcitizeng6507]

Love the guac bottom joke🤣 what kind of innocent 15 years old skater need a lawyer to explain medication mixed up?😠

[@jaimicottrill2831]

Well, she is a minor and would have been raised to do as her coach says, no questions ask. On top of being in a country where a lot of athletes are pressure take banned substances! Should she be allowed to skate? It’s not fair to the other athletes but no amount of drugs can give someone that incredible talent she has so should she be punished? For sure her coaches and her parents should be punished!

[@lenawagenfuehr53]

@@jaimicottrill2831 from a country where people take stuff they're not allowed to? What country was Lance Armstrong from?

[@cathywethington5913]

Lena Wagenfeuhr, Note that he lost all credibility and respect when people found out

[@kmarchery]

"feel free to call me Nicole ." I had an Airplane flash back . When Leslie Nielsen objected to being called Shirley. Well delivered Mr Colbert.

[@darkstorminc]

Just make sure to start from the beginning.

[@WatchMilesTV]

The Rachel Maddow was priceless 🤣🤣

[@abortretryfail9350]

Haha, I saw that story on the news tonight, not a believer myself, but I was raised Catholic, so I can see how that would freak people out. Like sitting in front of the TV, finishing up a big bowl of Caesar salad, then hearing a report about a recall on the romaine lettuce you just ate, you're okay for the moment, but you just know bad shit's coming later on. I mean, what do you do? Hey wait, I see a sitcom in this, two zany priests set out on a journey to save the souls of the incorrectly baptized, but first they have to find them, hilarity ensues. 😆

[@CloudsGirl7]

At least the romaine lettuce is real and CAN harm you. Now THOSE are stakes - whether or not you'll end up spewing for both distance and accuracy.

[@TalkingToLeedskalnin]

I'm hoarding avocados until this whole thing blows over. A couple months from now that room full of avocados will be like GOLD. Right?

[@JP-lu9ed]

😂

[@sahej6939]

Trees, not old avocados

[@allisonjames2923]

Lol. Well, more brown than gold 🤔

[@richiejohnson]

02:10. Nice cheer for Rachael Maddow. Thx, Steven

[@tania2897]

So...when your auntie tells you, "God doesn't care how you say it, as long as you're talking to him" she was soooooooo wrong. God sounds more like the IRS than an omnipotent creator.

[@processesofbecoming2516]

Thanks for sharing. I will be thinking about this for a long while.

[@roryoutdoors5431]

FINGER skating? LOL It's the new TekDecks!

[@pynn1000]

Guac "compost bombs" - that hit home in this house.

[@vdiitd]

2:13 FINALLY! You have used this clip after so long. Had been waiting to see it again. 🤣🤣🤣

[@gordongekko1985]

What movie is this?

[@swanstep]

@@gordongekko1985 Poltergeist (1982).

[@kindlin]

I tried to find what it's from, but google is filled with some pollical crap about 'what's happening'.

[@lydacious7338]

Thank you Stephen. and btw, feeling pretty lucky to be in Europe where there are no avocado shortages looming. Hope you all make it through :)

[@1sirgrandmastermrkingrober216]

I am giving this one the thumbs up just for Stephen Colbert's hilarity, great approach to things, & comedy. And also his positive attitude, it makes peoples happy including me, thanks Stephen 😊❤✌🔒🔐

[@glenmcinnes4824]

on the Avo thing hear in Queensland we have a major surplus, may be time for parts of the US to switch suppliers?

[@annierosha5946]

No, don't send them overseas, just lower the price here in Australia and we can all eat a lot more of them!

[@berngirl5624]

Have a look at the Netflix documentary series "Rotten" and the one about the Avocado Wars. It's crazy big business. Some in business will have a lot to say about your idea. LOL

[@astaraoneill9166]

Too far a trek.

[@johnhobson9165]

I can see the adverts, "Avocados from the land of Oz"

[@cheekyb71]

Send some to the South Island of NZ mate - bloody $3 EACH at the moment FFS Up north they can't even give them away there's so many, but down here they're like gold. $7/kg for tomatoes, $4/kg for watermelon the bloody summer fruit and veg is more expensive now than in winter

[@howardkerr8174]

Apparently, Taco Bell gets its guacamole from the same source it gets the " beef " from.

[@theactualbajmahal833]

So... Home Depot?

[@iamhere3442]

In our area, an elderly priest forgot to bring the wine, when he had mass, at the hospital during lent. He asked for grape juice, from the cafeteria, and he used that, instead of wine. Someone reported that to the bishop, and was told that it was all right, no harm done. So I find that weird, that that big of a deal was made. An article stated that he is a well liked priest. I don’t get punishing a lot of people, for his innocent mistake. I would definitely quite over that.

[@kaylinsmith6921]

Priests have the oversight of what gets used. Some priests get really expensive wine. Others get cheap stuff. It doesn't actually matter what it is, as long as the blessing over it is correct. Many Christian churches use grape juice altogether. The important thing is the rite itself. But I do agree that it is absolutely ridiculous to make everyone redo their sacraments for a switch of pronoun.

[@dhtsoaedsdhtnadi9575]

there's certainly something to be said for intentions of the heart. a couple filed for marriage license. they were married by a licensed and ordained minister. the minister never returned the license. legal issues with the government to be sure, but i don't think HE judged them as living in sin.

[@iamhere3442]

I didn’t know ministers were licensed. 📜

[@dhtsoaedsdhtnadi9575]

@@iamhere3442 it wasn't my main point, but licensing is recognized by civil government and ordination is recognized by religious organization. depending on state and organization, a minister may get by with one or the other, other times the minister may need to have both.

[@rushfan1970]

🤣🤣🤣👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼That Rachel Maddow Poltergeist scream😂😂😂 too good👏🏼

[@SirMatticus2]

Love Stephen Colbert/John Oliver interview.

[@makeracistsafraidagain]

When Doctor Maddow freaks out we're screwed.

[@cpresto2]

5:30 John's imitation of a car honking the Star Spangled Banner killed me

[@helene420]

Now I'm feeling traumatized about the avacado shortage. 🥺

[@Bill_Garthright]

Me, too. And I don't think I've had an avocado in _decades._

[@cnault3244]

To quote Homer Simpson "Holy Guacamole!"

[@ZMmakesthings]

I hope you all have a good day. Stay hydrated!

[@sagm706]

I live in CA. When the avocado shakes get me - I just go to the backyard and pluck! Lol

[@workingtoseethelight8244]

I just started eating avocados regularly like a week ago... Jesus! And wait I am unbaptized? Stephen really knows how to hit ya!

[@ranchozaragoza]

Oh, dear! You put an apostrophe in the word "avocados," therefore rendering your whole comment invalid! 😬

[@coonerfart3976]

"Finger Skating"? Not sure how that would look but I'm in.

[@sammygirl6910]

Put your thumb, ring, and and pinkie finger behind your palm, then gracefully glide your index and middle finger like legs across a smooth surface. Not much range of motion though. Might work better as a contact sport.

[@Demon666x3]

Everyone else: THERE'S AN AVACADO SHORTAGE EVERYONE PANIK! Californa who grows avacados: Oh no! anyway...

[@jennifermcgoldrick6323]

Growing those avocados adds to your California fires, ya know. They need an inordinate amount of water.

[@LindaVernon]

@@jennifermcgoldrick6323 Almonds too.

[@jennifermcgoldrick6323]

@@LindaVernon I considered adding almonds to my comment :)

[@LindaVernon]

@@jennifermcgoldrick6323 What is ironic is that so many people who are worried about environmental destruction are big consumers of almond milk. 🙃 In fairness, some have moved to oat milk.

[@jennifermcgoldrick6323]

@@LindaVernon yes but the consumer isn’t really the problem. The corporation that mass produces a good to the detriment of the environment while finding loop holes and paying off the authorities by way of small fines, settlements or donations is the real problem. Our home habits mean virtually nothing. I find almond and oat milk and cow or any other animal milk absolutely disgusting. But I like avocado of course. (And I cook with milk products.)

[@pissedfists]

That whole avocado bit had me rolling lol

[@sshaw4429]

The avocado bit was genius.

[@MicJaguar]

Sounds like we need Seth from a Closer Look to bust out his Pachino impression for a "Holy Guacamole!" About that priest getting his words wrong. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 #ACloserLook

[@gritskennedy5007]

If there is a ban for endurance drugs and she had all 3 in her system this is why she was able to perform for such a physically near impossible program back to back. The heart medications prevent the heart from seizing and going into A-fib and infarction...you know the chest pain that hurts and makes you want to throw up or makes you throw up ...the drug opens the arteries and makes the heart ignore the electrical signals that make your heart prone to fluttering or a fib then cramping and staying seized ...it is going to hurt them later enlarged heart its like forcing your heart to lift weights like a body builder...damnit that girl is too little.

[@nR00R]

I have trouble understanding what happened.. she had a banned drug in her system, and wasn't banned? What kind of stupid shit is that?

[@barley-pt]

@@nR00R she is 15, her coaches will be punished but she will be allowed to continue.

[@eleanorkim07]

This kind of thing unfortunately has been going on in figure skating, esp in the women's competition. Russian female figure skaters who compete in the Olympics in the last decade have all been below 18. And they retire so young because of the injuries they sustain. One skater retired after Pyeongchang Olympics because of back injuries cos she couldnt turn to the left side. Figure skating fans have been appealing for this issue for years and it's truly sad for the skaters who are clean

[@nR00R]

@@barley-pt So because she was 15 she didn't know that she was taking heart medication? Makes zero sense that she was still allowed to perform.

[@barley-pt]

@@nR00R yes being 15 makes you not responsible for actions you can be manipulated at doing. Also the drug she tested positive does not makes her do the things she has been doing in the skating ring 🤷‍♂️ so I guess she has the talent in her.

[@godfreypigott]

Avocado is running out? First we lost soap, then we lost something that tastes like soap.

[@elenachristian9860]

It's adorable you think there is a single Avocado in the Nachos Bell Grande.

[@mrentity2210]

I'm confused. Why is the certified banned-drugs-using girl allowed to keep competing?

[@burromex1974]

Guac gate is getting serious 😂

[@SamAceRothstein]

I love those dubbed clips like the Joe Montana one, or the FDR and JFK ones you've used in previous episodes. Those jokes sometimes stick with me for days, they are pure gold and help make you stand out from the rest

[@thexalon]

An avocado shortage is just the pits.

[@myafaire1682]

I've been baptized 3 times, one of which was a Catholic baptism. But I'm not worried since I still have 2 in reserve! BHA Observation: The Church's response of requiring people to repeat sacraments ( "levels" ) reminds me a great deal of the way Scientology operates.

[@vivianmartinez91]

God bless you!!! You make me laugh so hard.

[@guynorth3277]

Well, thank the cleaver writes and their nuance.

[@merlapittman5034]

"Dehydrated Florida" 😂😂😂

[@embermonkey]

catch that "apologies"? then you truly are... a formidable opponent

[@RockPowerUSA]

Panic set in from the title. Heading to grocery store will watch video later.

[@RockPowerUSA]

@C C Maybe I can get one of them immigrant workers a My Pillow for all the hard work into my avocado. They have Uber air deliver fresh avocado to them on the yachts.

[@makeracistsafraidagain]

My wife went out yesterday and bought a big bag of avocados.

[@Miss_Matched]

I like your username.

[@georgeprosser3038]

Smart Wife

[@judaspreistvlct]

@@georgeprosser3038 Really? Those avocados will all be squishy and rotten by Monday!

[@serintardell6196]

Colbert gives double middle fingers- “Peace among worlds, Rick…”

[@Slambam73]

Why does the avocado riding the air boat and in the tweezers tickle me so much?🤣😅😂😆

[@becsterbrisbane6275]

An avo shortage would be a disaster here in Australia seeing as we love 'em so much! Currently around $1 each- I even had a chicken & avo wrap for lunch today, it was the best!

[@TinyDancer888]

$1??!!! They hike up the prices here in the states and we're right next to Mexico. If they're on sale they're $1.25 otherwise they're like $2+.

[@sahej6939]

$1? How much is avocado toast???

[@becsterbrisbane6275]

@@sahej6939 haha, i actually have no idea. I never eat out and always make my own!! Probably around $20- add an extra 0 to that in a wanker cafe!

[@DiscoFang]

@@TinyDancer888 It's gonna rip your shorts even more when you realise AU$1 is about US70cents.

[@becsterbrisbane6275]

@@TinyDancer888 ours are quite seasonal here, but we're lucky in that we're such a temperate- tropical climate that many easily grow avocados in their own backyards, the reason we can also get them cheaply. I am so sorry we have instilled the smashed avo culture onto American society!!

[@violimo]

There is an Avocado glut in the farms around me in SW Australia.

[@ktom5262]

One of his best monologues ever.👏

[@Sunny25611]

“maybe likely if “ Always a confidence booster for me 😂 Love this and I fall into a black depression whenever you’re on break Stephen.. a little something for your Catholic guilt 😉😘

[@hjpapow]

"Maybe likely if" #mynewbandname 😁

[@bingbongbang8895]

So, you were named ironically?