Avoidants have predictable relationship histories

[@RickP-y2w]

The more you love them. The more you get rejected. Always looking for or making up a reason to discard you.

[@archstanton3763]

Lot’s of short intense situationships. Large amount of social media ‘ friends ‘ yet few if any in real life. Changes jobs, locations and hobbies a lot and a penchant for drinking.

[@Polly1589]

@@archstanton3763 I was always wondering why a large amount of social media friends were bothering me. It is in fact that unpleasing feeling, that he doesn't value people, because if you value them, you put effort into the relationship with them and avoidants don't do it. It all makes sense now.

[@rapthemusical]

My avoidant ex was definitely an alcoholic. Shallow friendships.

[@Misskiarie]

Yes, they're stuck on social media because it has ideal people. Everyone in social media looks perfect. They draw the line when you demand frequent meet-ups. They cant afford that

[@brittanycowan329]

I’m a fearful avoidant woman and found this video super helpful. I really need to start working with a therapist so I can become more secure and hopefully stop hurting people. Thanks for the work you do ❤

[@lyssums]

I am in tears. I never knew what my problem was until i watched this video. Why I would leave my husband- a truly good, safe person- for an absolutely corrupt narcissist. Ruined my life. And I fought for this maniac for years and I didn't understand what's wrong with me. I am in such a place of darkness. Scared to ever love again. 😢

[@jd6331]

Therapy

[@jamie-r2034]

I was with my ex for 12 years. We did break up early on. She ended it by a text message after being nothing but cold & distant for the last year. Her cycles ran about every 2 years. Only the first year or so were great then things would go down hill. All I ever did was things for her to help better herself & she did nothing for me. When she had surgeries or sick, I'd take off work to be there for her, waited on her all of the time & when I would be sick, she wouldn't even ask if I needed anything. Now that we've been a part, I feel like such a fool. No guy will ever be able to do the things I was doing for her & she will most likely come back - unfortunately, I'm taking the pain now and will let her go forever

[@christinemerritt974]

I like that Coach Ryan is showing off his beautiful partner in the background lately instead of that Avoidant, Cruel goldfish❤😂

[@wateva-y2y]

Would have never noticed, until now

[@jd6331]

Lol. Poor goldfish

[@EdelweisSusie]

It was a salmon - and when he filmed in front of it (so it looked like it was sticking out of his ears), it looked bloody hilarious and I let him know. So glad he’s moved!!

[@etaokha4164]

When he told me all his exs aborted his babies when they found out they were pregnant for him i thought he was joking until I became pregnant this man ran for the hills and abandoned and neglected me when i was pregnant and i had the baby alone in hospital without him being present. My son is 2 and his father is emotionally unavailable and absent. Ill forever carry how he treated me when i was vulnerable to my grave. Ill never forget

[@VampyressVA]

An ex who was an extreme DA was previously married for 20 years to another DA. Said "we were like roommates, there was no intimacy, each of us did our own thing". We lasted longer than we should because I was secure. Relocated for him after 2 years, and 2 months later he starts deactivating, leading to a painful, drawn out breakup. After that horrible experience, I'm definitely leaning DA - but, unlike him, I'm not hurting anyone, because I don't want to date anyone.

[@LiaVargas-p8r]

I had a relationship with an avoidant for sure that lasted 6 months and I broke it off. He tried to make me stay quiet about fixing any issues we had if it wasn’t discussed in the moment and stonewalled me if I ever did anything he didn’t like. It literally made me feel like 💩 They think they’re perfectly fine and that they don’t do anything wrong when reality is they self sabotage anything that could be good. I was fearful in this relationship and really liked this guy, but time only showed me it wasn’t worth it. I felt like I couldn’t even open up, I was uncomfortable…. He kept putting me in situations where we couldn’t even talk, around his sister and friend always or watching movies and I was just… I can’t take this anymore. So I broke up with him over text while he was visiting his home country. I feel like I don’t matter, you show no interest in getting to know me or spending real time with me and I felt more alone being with him than being on my own…. Which was a new feeling for me. This BS hurts you people try to put people through what you went through as if it was our fault

[@mirage4151]

this is exactly what I experienced too omg . Too much friends around them. You suggest and activity and BAM " hey I asked this friend to come over " NO

[@inspirationalaries]

Had a very similar experience with an ex-girlfriend/ex-wife. We started 'courting' (old fashioned term, I know) but instead of staying at my lovely apartment enjoying quality time, we always had to stay at her lodging house with her landlady and her landlady's daughters in the living room, with the tv on. I could never understand why she didn't want to spend quality one to one time with me and it used to drive me nuts. Only 20+ years on, having watched this video does it now make sense.

[@taylorbee4010]

Relationships die of you don’t talk about feelings or issues.

[@RojitaCali]

This is by far the best description in a nutshell I’ve seen on YT! Excellent work my friend 👍🏼👍🏼

[@sylvial8411]

This is me in a nutshell. Always wondered why I ended up marrying a grandiose narcissist when I had some great emotionally available BFs before I met him. This video explains the dynamic so well.

[@edimathews8462]

Explains our relationship exactly!

[@podmizje]

I'm a secure super empath who dated a severe DA person. we lasted whole 2 months. At first i thought she's anxiously attached cuz she kept asking me if im disapointed with her looks and if i'd be sad if she had died.(ikr) But after a week or two she started fading away. It felt awful. The more intimate we got, the more i got ghosted. I knew something wasnt right but my knowledge of love styles had been poor at the time. Even tho i was madly in love i took a brave step and said to her that its best that we end it and she was imideatly all for it. she said: "yes this should end. Its best for both of us. we are too different for a long term thing." vague af. after 5 weeks i can say that i'm almost over her (somewhere around 85%) thanks to videos like this.

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

When i asked my fa ex about her past relationships her answer was "i dont talk about the past relationships" 😂

[@lmart16]

I said almost the exact same thing to my DA ex bc i wasn't in contact with exes and didn't have anyone in mind to go back to. They are close to my heart and I wish them well, but there's nothing to talk about bc there simply isn't. It happened, the end.

[@Learning7796]

You are doing God’s work, Ryan. Keep it up 🙏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

[@philipramsden4975]

My FA told me she doesn't keep people around very long and regarding us remarked "It's almost been a year!". I guess she completely forgot about the 4ish months where she ghosted me in that year lol. I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks

[@FDx8500]

You just described my life as a fearfull avoidant.

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

Spot on upper 30s dating women be aware of history of toxic men thats what excites them or makes them feel safe

[@Mally99]

Your messages are so well delivered. Thank you!

[@Ellen84307]

Every word you say is on point. The sadness of moving forward is stop watching your videos… because my avoidant is out of my life and no breadcrumbs.

[@Polly1589]

You can still learn so much for example how to spot avoidants while dating, setting/holding boundaries, etc.

[@Ellen84307]

@@Polly1589 Yes, true. But when you have nobody to date. Then what’s the point. 😅🙏🏼

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@Ellen84307 The point is both to learn how to recognize them in the future, and also so you can pay attention to what feelings come up for you during these videos (if any) so you can move through them and heal.

[@Ellen84307]

@@cornwallismorgan874 True. It’s me who is bitter. 🙏🏼

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@Ellen84307 And that's okay. It may be that you need to feel that way as part of your grief and healing process. What matters is to not get stuck there.

[@sarahbeee]

This was a very good description.

[@Andyange]

Is it unusual that a female’s longest relationship in her mid 30s is 7 months? Maybe I should have seen this red flag! I was very patient with her and we lasted 2 1/2 years. In the end I was blindsided and discarded overnight. Very traumatic

[@rosalieholderberg]

husband of 3 years just took off and left me after a trip to his parents. they were sick and he treated me like garbage there. He decided to stay and help and i went back home. he continued treating me like garbage and when i finally stood up for myself he told me I abandoned him and betrayed him . packed up his stuff and apparently moved out west never to hear from him again. the fucking audacity, I cant believe someone can do this to someone they claimed they loved.

[@citizenoz]

I was pursued by a DA. Euphoric bliss for 5 months. Then deactivated on a slowish fade while she monkey branched to a DA narc (her descripton of him from one of the endless breadcrumbs). Good riddance.

[@iRespectMen]

Damn! This is crazy!

[@urih7856]

do you think the avoidant will ever regret losing a good secure partner?

[@shereefullwood8221]

yes

[@Polly1589]

Yes, they view you as the ex that got away

[@christinemerritt974]

@@urih7856 umm..YES!! THEY SUFFER REGRETS ON THE DAILY!!

[@astrobae-d5m]

@@christinemerritt974 how do you know ?

[@brennam954]

I think they often do, but that doesn't mean they really understand/acknowledge their part in how the relationship ended. They just think you weren't the right person, or they "for some reason" couldn't be committed to you. They don't self-reflect, and I think it comforts them on some level to feel like they're not "meant" for anyone because then they don't have to self-reflect or change. It's like a type of self-pity/martyrdom.

[@MariaCaterina2012]

FA4DA here lasted four years. Trippy realizing that it was my own avoidance that enabled us to last that long. I would get triggered, then detach and blame myself for wanting more. That made him feel safe, and ultimately I think that made it worse when I left.

[@MenelikAME]

You are 💯 correct Coach 🏄‍♂️ Dude!!

[@blakelyfantastic]

FA here and it’s spot on for me. Once my mind starts up, I’ll find reasons to go eek idk about this. Was raised by a narcissist mother and dismissive avoidant father, so it’s tricky. It’s another mental prison 😩.

[@tahoforbreakfast]

I hope you're getting help, Man. There's a way out of the mental prison. Therapy and learning how to regulate your nervous system despite the triggers are invaluable tools. I wish you all the best. Love, someone who loved a DA.

[@hammychez9792]

The fact that you're aware of it is a big step in the right direction

[@mohamedyusufmohamud8193]

As long as you have figured out, you did a fantastic work. Just keep working on it and one day you will be secure enough .

[@lmart16]

I felt it was right in the moments about resentment but as an FA I'm not attracted to overt narcissists and I always end my relationships.

[@blakelyfantastic]

@@lmart16 do you find issues with more covert narcissists? they are more subtle with their boundary testing, at first.

[@VeraEcht-pj3pj]

Someone wrote in the comments that anxiously attached people are attracted to people who don‘t have needs. I am afraid that’s me. It scares the shit out of me if someone adresses their expectations.I will happily give a lot without being asked but if someone regularly adreeses expextations it feels overwhelming to me like I am not good enough

[@mirage4151]

thats super interesting ! What you just said resonated a lot with me but I didn't know it was an anxious pattern

[@MIMIDSH]

I learn the majority of their relationships were long distance, like 1000 miles away. By choice.

[@wateva-y2y]

An avoidant couple can become secure in the long term. Or one of them becomes secure over time and then desires a secure partner as well, while the other partner didn't work on themselve. That can also happen. Especially if one of them has found the love of Christ and gets healed, everything changes in the dynamic.

[@woundedsoulhealer2652]

So true, very valid comment ( I’m living proof 😩😜).

[@shawnhallman6076]

The fearful avoidant you described resonated with me 100% Thank you for this video

[@BryanFarani]

I dated one of each in one year span only :D one FA and one DA. Both discarded me...after the first discard I was destroyed. After the second, I'm laughing hahahha so much studying about it paid off

[@spinback72]

In the whole year & a half that we were connecting I never left once. But it still wasn't enough. & they showed no sign of improvement. They expected me to watch all the KZbin vids & watch my comms with them, but they wouldn't do a damned thing in reciprocation of that. But made a big thing about how they were into their own healing. They had done nothing.

[@angelarivard6061]

Im so sick of these nasty creatures...so dam annoying on every level

[@persephonewatts2262]

I find These Videos u produce very informing very calming very Kind and very empowering through calm, thorough explanations ..thorough enough to give the Viewer insight, therefore the tools to analyse these relation dynamics..Very well presented by a calm guiding presentor who takes you through these issues which affect us to the core. Really appreciated and a core counselling Power tool for me. Thankyou. 😌

[@rapthemusical]

I lasted for 14 months with a DA because I am also a slight avoidant. Then they deactivated. That seems like a pretty long time with a DA before deactivation.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Yeah I made it to 10 months

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Also because I had a more avoidant style although more anxious historically

[@mariangelapitti2536]

So good…

[@preciousbweupelappi5253]

No wonder why my Ex kept his ex narcissistic lady hesh this lady used to call my ex insult him heshh i guess they are back together 😂😂

[@soniaosmani1900]

Can the longer relationship of the FA be with an emotionally unavailable anxious partner? Not only DA or narcissist like the coach says?

[@marknightingale5674]

Im a FA and im desperate to heal and become secure, I hate the way I am but it seems impossible 😢

[@laurag5648]

It’s not impossible, attachment styles can change :) the desire to change and do the work will get you there, you can do it, be kind to yourself in the process 💜

[@meganlebon5891]

You can heal. Thais Gibson on KZbin was an FA and healed. Check out her videos and programs.

[@Jean-g7m]

If this is true it releases me from the agony of not understanding his previous relationship, where he appeared to completely dote (whilst continually cheating) on a clearly narcissistic wife. I loved and cared for him so much but there was an ongoing disconnect. He could seem attentive and affectionate but there was always something missing and left me feeling lack.

[@peterau5527]

So true.

[@RainFall-wz2yp]

5. It feels impossible to make peace with the past recalling all I put up with and taking it out on those I love, especially because the past is the reason my life looks as it does 6. Why is it so fucking impossible to succeed in my life? The reality of my life is hell. Most often I'm just being buried alive, and trying desperately to escape

[@Ellen84307]

@@RainFall-wz2yp Have you tried therapy?

[@badgirs714]

I am anxious and Im in a situationship with an avoidant and with a narcisist at the same time... I belived I was being the smart one, and that this strategy would supply my from attention and I would never feel hurt, but no, I just feel ashamed for triying to use both guys and both of them disapointed me, they were unavailable and now I am figthing two break ups at the same time

[@oilyskinguru]

Im with an avoidant partner for 7 years.

[@EdelweisSusie]

God bless you. I had no knowledge of DA’s or FA’s until I found info on KZbin 3 years ago, and it’s answered all the questions that have depressed me for years. Such a shame as my ex was a lovely guy and if he’d just have communicated all this to me, we could have figured it all out together. Good luck for the future.

[@woundedsoulhealer2652]

@@EdelweisSusiesame here

[@etaokha4164]

Your a placeholder my dear. Goodluck

[@oilyskinguru]

@etaokha4164 I'm not.

[@sarahcarrasco]

True.

[@Tryyy123]

So who do they really have genuine feelings the healthy partner of the toxic ones?

[@edwardgiordano3986]

The person that they run from.

[@Tryyy123]

@@edwardgiordano3986 so its the healthy partner?

[@edwardgiordano3986]

@@Tryyy123 yes, but they can't maintain unless they get the help. So they run from those healthy emotions. They stay with people who are toxic. It's a messed up cycle. If you are asking for yourself, you don't need their validation. Trust your gut and realize, if you treated them correctly, they will leave.

[@Tryyy123]

@@edwardgiordano3986 now it makes sense why she run from me after everything was going well when i was eating salAd

[@Lemthepoetofficial]

Ok fineeeeeeee I subscribed

[@evgeniyabakurina1010]

You calm me down

[@EdelweisSusie]

So why can’t the FA prove to the emotionally available partner that they’re lovable? Seems really screwed up to me - but it explains why my ex went back to his e(strange)d wife who treats him like sh*t……

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

This is exactly what it is

In short. Ruuuuuuuuuun

[@kristincronin-g7n]

Do fearful avoidance, often find themselves with another fearful avoidant?

[@alphascholar2001]

Yes but they trigger each other - it often ends up anxious/avoidant - the only attachment style for FA is Secure - anything else will trigger their anxious or avoidant side which will never work in a relationship. The trick is for the FA to realize the Secure isn't boring. They just want safe connection and love. They're not boring people, they're extremely rare as most are already taken over 30 years old. The rest are the trash. Speaking as a FA.

[@MartaDc-n6r]

Makes sense but based on the book “attached” an avoidant rarely has some sort of relationship with an avoidant 🤔 more often with an anxious partner

[@haley551]

Yeah I would go with the people who literally wrote the book on attachment styles. Everything I’ve read and heard about relationships indicates that avoidants don’t stay together for long.

[@asiamwithraenetteleepodcast]

As a fearful avoidant my 2-3 year relationships have been with a DA and a fearful avoidant and an Anxiously attached

[@cecilang9721]

My DA was with a DA for 7 years. I was a FA with a DA with Asperger’s for 10 years long distance.

[@TerryGuzmanMartinez]

I wonder if there are levels of avoidance, I mean, are all the avoidants equal? Does the avoidant attachment has something to do with CPTSD?

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

They exist on a spectrum from mild to severe. My two FAs have been fairly severe. One had Quiet BPD, the current one has CPTSD. Some people consider QBPD and CPTSD synonymous. Avoidance is ubiquitous with both.

[@TerryGuzmanMartinez]

@Mudpuppyjunior Ohhhhhhhhh! So, what is QBPD? Is borderline PD? We are so emphats. I've read that CPTSD and BPD can seem very similar, but the results/reactions are different. Well, thanks for the clarification.

[@sherylcastro5688]

I appreciate the effort but When u can…can u pls. do a separate vid. for each type of avoidant… It got confusing….. & too much to remember due to so much infos in 1 vid. 😢😢

[@gayleneflower398]

Can you please separate this into 2 videos. One of each type? If I send this to my Ex, maybe he will start exploring getting help but so much I think would overwhelm him. He is a FA. So sad. Just one video at a time.... Thank you Coach!

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

Can't he just avoid the part that isn't about him?

[@Misskiarie]

Why send to him? Did he say he want to change? As an avoidant he'll probably not care.

[@Subsurfer1234]

Are you recycling videos? Very predictable lately. You have good content but I think you should also be telling the other side of the story. What about how devastating anxiously attached people are to long term relationships? That’s the bulk of your viewers and you aren’t doing them any favors by fanning the flames. You are enabling them to play victim. Let’s get some truth out. Being anxious is just as destructive as being avoidant. Many of your viewers are anxious and think that if only they can find someone who will love as hard as they do. But that’s not possible. Two anxious people will never fall in love. Because anxiously attached people NEED someone who has no needs of their own. That’s why they fall for the avoidant. Never have two anxious people fallen in love. Not possible. You aren’t helping people live better lives. You are only making them feel better about their recent painful breakup. And getting clicks.

[@DanakuNakka0902]

Extreme anxiety is not healthy but there are healthy levels of anxiety. If your child just disappears one evening, will you just sit there and chill to not appear "anxious"? Just ghosting or abandoning people out of NOWHERE is peak toxicity. Anxious people can still at least be talked to and soothed. What do you do with a stonewall?

[@Subsurfer1234]

@ you are missing the toxic side of anxious attachment. Being anxiously attached means you wont find securely attached people attractive. And no securely attached person is ever going to go for you either. You NEED to much. And no amount of reassurance is enough for someone who is anxiously attached. Anxiously attached want an unrealistic amount of closeness. Avoidantly attached want an unrealistic amount of space. Any difference there?

[@DanakuNakka0902]

@Subsurfer1234 I agree with you. If it's your primary attachment style it's not good. You get into obscene levels of people pleasing etc. That's bad too as you dunno if one is genuine or putting on a facade. In extremity it's deeply unhealthy first and foremost for your own health then to people around you.

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

He never tells the other side of the story which is sad. I agree with you.

[@DanakuNakka0902]

@@Warrior_Princess_1111 What is the other side. Tell me. Avoidants leave secure people. They leave anxious people. Seems they leave everyone under the sun, With all due respect, sick of this. ABANDONING bad. EXTREME ANXIETY Bad. ABANDONING CAUSES ANXIETY. Pray tell me, what according to all of you are acceptable conditions to abandon someone. Seems like if someone gives you an "ick", ABANDON!

[@parkerlee3912]

Thanks for this explanation of my toxic dynamic with my dismissive avoidant Ex. It is making so much sense now reflecting on my own fearful avoidant attachment. WOW, mind blowing. I am so eager for my first therapy session next Fri with an IFS therapist (Internal Family Systems). Inner child work is what I need so badly! Thanks again for this video. ❤

[@jtune9386]

Beautifully said Ryan💯🫡This was one of those vids I definitely needed today. Thank You 🤝