Boyfriend Has Been LYING Where He Has Been Going Every Weekend For The Last 3 Years r/Relationships

[@StephFish1004]

Honestly it doesn't matter if what he was doing was good or bad. This is about your partner for 3 YEARS actively lying to you the entire time and not trusting you to know what he's been doing. And even when you expressed yourself and how you felt about the lying he doubled down. Volunteering is admirable yes, but habitually lying is a red flag if I ever saw one

[@johnbradbury8610]

Thank you, he lied for one of the dumbest reasons I've ever heard. He clearly thinks so low of OP that he wouldn't tell her. OP is a dumbass for staying.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

There is more to this story, there has to be otherwise both of them are certifiably insane. Him for the lying and his "reasoning" behind it and her for blindly believing what he said for 3 years and never really even being the least bit interested in his work life. Nothing made sense in this story and the way they broke up was even more insane. It was just like, do this "or else". Ok, I choose "or else". Have a great life, bye.

[@wmdkitty]

Where was the lie? He was, in fact, working.

[@annalau2596]

What did he do with the rest of the day? His story is bullshit.

[@lorddaegoth]

​@@thomasjoseph5876I mean, your partially right. He was clearly having a trauma response. They aren't logical and they suck. It doesn't help that the gf liked to belittle that with the word "weird" repeatedly. Then tried to force him to give up half of that time and force him to go to therapy (1. That rarely works and 2. Diminishes the effect of the therapy because they won't engage well). Then broke up with him for which, while the right choice for her, has absolutely deepened that trauma.

[@viktoriak4332]

Boyfriend basically masked his trama with a hero complex, he was willing to help every one exapt those closest to him and he sacrificed importent bonding time with op and it could of gotten even worse. Like giving away their shared funds or even ops labor.

[@poetryqn]

Lots of red flags here - he doesn't trust her with the truth to the point where he's willing to lie about working with the homeless, he refuses point blank to go to therapy, he's absolutely convinced he's a bad person. To these untrained ears it sounds like there is some deep, unexamined trauma in this man's life he is unwilling to face. Breaking up was probably inevitable, but my heart breaks at his stonewalling. That can't last forever, and it's going to be alot worse when for him he finally breaks.

[@GrillinPiratePete]

Does not trust her with truth Tells her the truth She leaves His traumatized mind says "I was right not to tell her"

[@TheBlueDsc]

@@GrillinPiratePete At the end of the day, that's his own problem to deal with. Since he refuses the therapy he very clearly needs, he's going to continue to have these problems. That's not on OP, or anyone else in his life.

[@jaimedritt4622]

​@@GrillinPiratePete That's not accurate. He blatantly lied to her for three years and was forced to tell the truth when he was caught. She gave him several chances after she caught him lying and after he told her that he wouldn't spend more time with her if he wasn't volunteering because she distract him. That's hurtful! He also lied to her about his willingness to go to therapy if she helped him at the homeless shelter on Sunday. She agreed, and then he backed out of going to therapy. He was the one who dumped her in the diner because he refused to make any changes to improve their relationship. Either this guy didn't like OP at all and was using her until he found someone else, or he's a total mess who is doomed to destroy his relationships until he gets help.

[@terriwetz6077]

Idk if his behavior is caused by trauma or some sort of disassociative disorder. He's continually saying he's probably wrong about this, that or the other but then refuses to make any changes. And from the way OP writes about him, he feels rather emotionless too. Could he be on the spectrum? Is that why he insists he's a bad person? But in the end none of this excuses his lying for 3 whole years. Once trust is broken the relationship is pretty much destroyed.

[@kichikitsu]

​@@terriwetz6077being neurodivergent and having trauma basically go hand in hand, dude. but yeah, he's definitely some flavour of the spectrum -- "afterwards I do things actually related to work and you'd distract me from that" screams neurodivergency. it's a very not-neurotypical thing to say that. relationships & people you care about being around you when you're supposed to be doing Important Things IS very distracting, but a lot of people view that (something we'd view as just... the truth. not something demeaning or insulting, just a neutral fact) as rude or insulting. hell, a comment or two above yours someone is calling it insulting, while my first reaction was "yeah makes sense."

[@gamerman11x]

That cheeky little "There is" and "They are" from mark correcting the op at the end of update one killed me lmaoo😂

[@user-blob]

😂yeah, I liked that too.

[@PuppyKatt]

Story 1: 3 years of lying is a deal-breaker. At this point, it does not matter where he goes; he can stay there, and allow you to find someone who is loyal, honest, and who respects you.

[@araeast6923]

I think OP’s now-ex is acting like a super hero with a secret identity in the worst ways-he doesn’t see himself as a good person, he just sees himself wanting to do good for someone else and that action starts becoming “acting for the greater good”… which ends up icing out the people he’s supposed to care for in his own life, especially since he’s afraid of telling anyone out of fear of people singling him out

[@jennsyk7520]

Obviously he shouldn't have lied so that tells me he has some deep seated issues. But what does it say about our society when op thinks its weird that he helps others?

[@TheBlueDsc]

@@jennsyk7520 OP wasn't thinking that was weird though. It was the fact that he's been lying about it for several years that she found weird.

[@lilderpatron6358]

@@TheBlueDsc plus I think he outright just saids he prioritizes doing good over spending time with op. It’s like he knows what he did and is doing hurts op, but he doesn’t really want to change.

[@tallyp.7643]

@@lilderpatron6358 If he was going into medicine, he'd probably end up as one of those rare doctors who never sees his family and prioritizes the job because he's "saving lives" and can't understand why his kids end up despising or ignoring him after years of never being home, cancelled plans, missed birthdays & holidays, etc.

[@tomorrow4eva]

That is a common superhero drama plot point: the “civilians” that get sick of the hero never being around, and always making excuses. I find your theory sound.

[@rylashadow18]

Its not about him helping the homeless. Its the constant lies and doubling down on not seeking therapy that was the relationship killer. It comes across as water testing just to see what he could get away with and for how long tbh. Best to leave.

[@user-wr3vt8uq4s]

If nothing, he's not clear with his priorities and, of course, being honest. Not sure what his PhD work is about or if it's related to his volunteering (which might be helpful as far as the degree). But it seems like he's not really going to have time for OP in his life. A mutual decision to end was probably for the best.

[@lynnw7155]

Also the fact that they don't spend much time together. In 3 years, they've rarely spent a whole day together??? He'd rather spend all his free time at a homeless shelter than with her? He may be kind-hearted and generous with strangers, but he's not 'relationship' material.

[@kitkakitteh]

That’s psychotic. I hate that people never volunteer, and think those that do volunteer can just drop it for convenience whenever THEY think it’s inconvenient. Narcissistic much?

[@TortoiseNotTurtle]

​@@kitkakittehhow is it narcissistic? The issue isn't even "drop your volunteer work", it's "Be fucking honest". Make it clear that you're doing volunteer work. Saying "I'm volunteering" is much different than "I'm working", because (and this is fact( you choose volunteer hours and it doesn't pay the bills. Imagine if a friend said they got into a car crash so they couldn't make it to your party, but when you check in on them it turns out they straight up lied and made a decision to attend another event. They gave the impression that they had NO CHOICE and COULD NOT make it when they absolutely had a choice and chose not to. That's fucking sick.

[@cptfwiffo]

Also, the fact that he was never going to tell her means the relationship would never end somewhere serious.

[@mikelee990]

Plot twist: Op's ex is a actually serial killer and volunteering at a homeless shelter is where he finds his victims. 😱

[@snaojao8136]

Ted Bundy worked on a su*cide prevention hotline.

[@margaritap.9459]

Honestly, that would make more sense than whatever this is😅

[@joeschmo622]

Well what do you think is the Special Ingredient in the chili?

[@mikelee990]

@@joeschmo622 That is some really good BBQ.

[@Janjones7735]

Yup. I thought as well. Or conducting secret experiments on them. 😂

[@MCBRUCE76]

This is the first time I have come across a story so bizarre, which twisted everybody's mind. The initial post made by OP, has clearly no information on this guy other than, him lying for the last 3 years about where he was going. Either ways, lying to your partner for doing a good cause is still bad. And for OP, she waited 3 years of lying to make up her mind to ask him about his whereabouts on the weekends, this is pure nonsense.

[@87mits]

Seems to me the boy is autistic. The way he is set in his ways, the way he doesn't get why she is hurt. The way he equates helping the homeless to helping classmates. By the sound of it, the reason why people turned on him wasn't about helping them, it was the joke he made which was so tactless the prof went apeshit on him.

[@MCBRUCE76]

@@87mits I believe the problem lies with both of them. He lied to avoid feeling embarrassed, and she didn't feel right to ask him about his whereabouts on the weekend for three whole years. A month or two is somewhat acceptable, but she put up with this for 3 whole years. Both have problems of communicating with each other. Boyfriend though seems to be too naive, and OP on the other hand is too hesitant.

[@rclark8688]

​@@MCBRUCE76She did ask him about his whereabouts, he just lied about where he was and who he was with.

[@Janjones7735]

But he’s in grad school and to her it was entirely possible he had to work his hours then, since he was busy all week. Most people don’t question if their SO is going to work on what they’ve established as a work day. It makes perfect sense she didn’t question it she found out he wasn’t doing that. The point is her just didn’t care about her. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@wmdkitty]

@@MCBRUCE76 OP is the entire problem, here.

[@dm9078]

If someone lies to your face for three years it doesn’t matter what they are doing. The important thing is they have lied to you every day for almost 1100 days.

[@Kristina-dl2jv]

I laughed outloud at the little asides you did when she was saying she wasnt gonna update anymore lmao

[@charmingjinx9379]

He's not just lying. His actions are pathological and/or expressing an addiction, like he absolutely cannot help himself. At worst, he's a serial killer stalking his victims at a place where a lot of people wouldn't be missed. At best, he's addicted because he'd rather lie, give up a long term relationship, and wallow in whatever psychological issues he's having, than give up time at the shelter and talk to a therapist even ONCE. His actions seem typically addict-like and I wouldn't feel safe with this guy.

[@Azulakayes]

Exactly.

[@BulletTooth504]

OP may end up in the soup if she's not careful. Seriously, though, this guy is sketchy as hell.

[@TopazFire15]

This is such an interesting take because best-case scenario, he has a savior complex that’s hurting him and others and he still won’t acknowledge he has a problem. Very addict-like.

[@madambutterfly1997]

I could never be embarrassed of somebody who Volunteers in a homeless shelter

[@One.DeSanctis.]

He was working after all, just not where OP expected him to. (Not getting paid?!)

[@johnbradbury8610]

He still lied for three years. Op is an idiot for staying.

[@diamcole]

I think that's why I'm so, for lack of a better word, "unsettled" about it. Why pathologically lie about something like that? And for so long?

[@christophergibbs2616]

@@diamcole I think it's because of what we see in her response: when she thought he was working, she left him alone. When she found out he was volunteering, she immediately told him to give up one of his volunteer days, as if it wasn't a form of work. He had to lie because he knew she viewed work as an obligation and volunteership as a choice, when both are nearly equally important for him.

[@diamcole]

@@christophergibbs2616 He really didn't have to lie, though, it was a choice. I can understand wanting to be left alone and for his volunteering to be taken seriously but lying about it for three years is just weird (to me). Break up, find someone who supports your efforts and whom you can be honest with although - wherever you go, there you are so that's not a guaranteed fix.

[@NoOne-fo1di]

I had a friend who had to work every other Saturday for years. We all, including his gf, knew that he worked Saturday every other week and never questioned it. Turns out he didn't actually have to work those days and just stayed home alone and watched TV or played video games knowing he wouldn't be bothered for 8 hours. Weird but that's really what he was doing.

[@sherrygibbs7547]

My roommate tells people he can't answer the phone while working. People STILL call and whine that he doesn't pick up. He tells people he is busy, and they still call, looking for roomie to help them (I find it awesome, when they continue to push for his help and he tells them he is in another place, 4-6 hours away). It really is frustrating when people don't listen. And, it gets to the point where a person has to lie, just to "get some time for themselves." Boundary stompers suck!

[@Janjones7735]

@@sherrygibbs7547except of your boundary is you neglecting you SO or family or responsibilities which it kind of sounds like this guy was doing. I never tell my extended family when I have a random day off or they’d expect me to spend all of it with them.

[@sherrygibbs7547]

@@Janjones7735 I agree with you on the first and last parts of your comment, completely. But, I think the guy gave his time and attention to OP during the week. And, set aside time to volunteer, do errands and have uninterrupted time for his studies, on the weekend. When you have as much on the go, as this guy does, you might have to have a pretty rigid schedule. It sounds like OP didn't like having to deal with such a rigid schedule....ie wanting to spend MORE time with SO. AND, specifically more time on the weekends. I remember doing a Specialization (not smart enough and not enough time to study in the Honors program) in University (a lifetime ago). I didn't have time, $ or desire for any type of relationship. There was just too much. reading, prepping labs, reports, studying, exams, working part time (oh, and maybe eating and getting an hour or two of sleep), etc. And, it was pretty hard to work on a project, stay motivated and retain concentration, when constantly being distracted. Weekends, before/after work, were my biggest blocks of uninterrupted time, toget productive homework/studying done (I lived at home, so had regular contact with amily, too). This guy had a plan for how to live his life and get everything done he wanted/needed to get done...just like an intricate puzzle. To me, OP and the SO were not meant for each other. Their goals were not aligned for their relationship to work out.

[@user-blob]

😂legend!!!

[@b.c.9358]

That story is SO wild. I really wonder if he grew up in the church because feeling like you're not a good person while doing good work is something I relate to after many years as an active church member. Being unwilling to go to therapy is a red flag for me though, he's not willing to acknowledge that he was hurt and his response to that hurt is affecting the rest of his life.

[@blitsriderfield4099]

Just out of curiosity, which church. Like, I assume Christian but which denomination

[@tully6648]

The pairing of him insisting he's not a good person, the he doesn't want anyone to be 'tricked' into thinking he is just because he's doing so much charity work, and the refusal to go to therapy all really do scream repressive religious background to me. There's also the fact that he cites a single incident where he concluded that helping = bad and that he shouldn't do so where anyone could see. It's... very strange, and very sad, but I've known people who are exactly like that, and at the bottom of it were deeply religious ties and an abusive upbringing (sometimes working together).

[@GMAMEC]

@@blitsriderfield4099 some denominations are worse than others, but all organized religions have the potential to damage an individual’s self esteem. I personally studied the Bible and discovered that some people misunderstand, misdirect or misinterpret scripture. Others work hard to help others, teach, practice humility and don’t judge others.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

​@@tully6648True, I also remember really embarrassing things I did years ago, but one of these incidents don't cause me to become a chronical lying secret "superhero". I just don't believe this one incident turned him into that and caused all other students to cast him out.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

​@@GMAMECTrue, there's so many pages in the bible and a lot of verses contradict eachother. Since it's a belief and not a science you can basically take anything you want for your own gain (with either good or bad intention) in the name of "Gods law." Nobody will be able to say you're wrong cuz it's "in the bible, so I'm entitled to have this opinion." It's an easy way to manipulate or oppress others, spread fear and traumas.

[@HiltownJoe]

Nothing screams "You need therapy" like ending your relationship over the condition of going to ONE therapy session.

[@AndyyWithAY]

This guy definitely needs therapy but OP doesn't need to stay with him. He's volunteering 12 hours a weekend. That's still plenty of time to get together. The court order still makes sense to me. I hate she let this knob dump her. She should've ended it when he lied about work EVERY weekend. FOR THREE YEARS.

[@rogiroja]

No court is going to order 1800+ hours of community service for something that wouldn't be easily found out about. Bro's got issues & needs to be alone if unwilling to work on them, or even admit they exist.

[@johnbradbury8610]

Op is not very bright. the fact that she put up with it for three years is really sad. She needs therapy also.

[@BNezzy]

you seem like a person who was hurt by a similar situation and are being vindictive.

[@AndyyWithAY]

@@BNezzy 🤣🤣🤣Vindictive?? Because I think lying for 3 years is always unacceptable. Make it make sense 🤷🏾‍♀️🤣🤣🤣

[@alexvalentine5091]

@@BNezzyhow

[@madambutterfly1997]

Thanks for calling me a distraction. Its not like I already see myself as one every time I reach out to say hi and you tell me you're busy.

[@sparklylexi2159]

? whats this about

[@Regrettable-Username]

????

[@BulletTooth504]

@@sparklylexi2159 Remember the story that Mark narrated in the video? It's about that.

[@sparklylexi2159]

@@BulletTooth504 Like one of mark's Waffles? Wait- what? Time stamp?

[@laurajeansimons5212]

This is a very strange story. I couldn't abide by someone who lied to me for 3 years and I hope OP finds someone who is open and honest in the future.

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

Well, honestly, I would have said something before the first year was up! When do they actually spend time together. 3 years and they still live separately?

[@williamcassity5572]

I get where the boyfriend is coming from I used to do a lot of work anonymously for a local dog shelter when I work as a mechanic once people found out what I did was nothing but bleeding heart story after the next with people that brought their cars in

[@reflexnight]

Just because the BF was doing "good" with his weekends and all that is not the point, he LIED to her for what ever reason for 3 years. This makes everything and anything he did in the relationship suspect, also finding out he was doing that had to hurt a lot and show so much lack of trust in her.

[@ngjuicey2001]

I agree. Yes, he was doing something good, but it was to his own detriment. He was lying about it to his significant other. I can’t imagine 3 years and never going on a trip together or just spending the day together doing nothing. I really feel like the boyfriend was neuro divergent and/or on the spectrum. There was something off for sure.

[@reflexnight]

@@ngjuicey2001 Also just struct me as who is to say there wasn't anther person he was working with or seeing at the shelter who he was in a relationship with, not saying sexual just a strong personal relationship.

[@ariagnyug]

Oh, no he fucking. Someone at the homeless shelter he, ahem, "volunteers" at. He's got a piece there.

[@wmdkitty]

No, he didn't. Volunteer work IS WORK. OP is flipping out for no reason and making a big deal out of nothing.

[@belial3781]

@@wmdkitty no, op isn't overreacting. Lying by omission is still lying. And he wasn't even lying by omission, he told her that he was doing lab work for his degree. Unless his degree is in social work and the lab is a soup kitchen, he was straight up, point blank, intentionally and with full knowledge of what he was doing, lying to her face for *three years* about what he was doing for nearly a *third* of his week. That is what is commonly called fucking dishonest.

[@Weirdandwonderfull19]

Helping people is an amazing thing and nothing to be embarrassing about it. I have to admit, my brain aches from the mental gymnastics 😅.

[@ronhall5395]

Something was not right. He was basically saying he would only see her on the weekend if she worked with him at the shelter. I think he eventually realized she would never be happy with him being a part time boyfriend. He has some real trauma he is hiding from the world and has no interest in addressing his problem.

[@AlmeneBeranger]

OP in the first story needed to figure out that you don't have to know the truth to break up with someone. He lied to her for three years. No matter what he was covering for, that's cause enough to leave.

[@magagail]

12:18 the “there is” SENT ME oh my god

[@myrabeth77]

3 Years. 156 weeks. 2 days per week. So he told someone he claimed to love approximately 312 lies. For no logical reason. He's right: He's not a good person.

[@lorddaegoth]

Thats because trauma responses arent logical. And you can smell this one from miles away with both what was described and the way it was repeatedly belittled so it was absolutely worse than described.

[@persebra]

GTFO. he is not a good person because he spent his weekends volunteering and doing paperwork for his job?? not a good boyfriend, ok, but he is a good person.

[@lorddaegoth]

@@persebra gotta remember there are redditors here too.

[@uNkrEaTIvArTs]

@@persebraHe was together with OP for 3 years. If you can’t trust your partner with something like that after three years I don’t know why there even is a relationship. He also lied to her face all the time. If you love someone you don’t treat them like a suspicious stranger. If he has no problem lying like that without guilt then he can volunteer all he want but for people who are close to him he isn’t a good person. They never know what else he’s lying about

[@19nmiller1]

That story is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard. I still have no idea what to think of it even after finishing it up. There's just so much missing because the severity of the boyfriend's actions do not match the backstory that he told her. As harsh as it sounds, I'm glad they broke up because there's obviously no baseline of trust if OPs boyfriend couldn't even give her the respect of telling her his location for 3 years. I get that he probably has some trauma or mental illness, but it's not fair to OP to be so secretive and distrusting of someone you supposedly love.

[@amalielk]

Someone said he's probably a serial killer that picks his victims while volunteering at the homeless shelter, and honestly this theory has merit 😅

[@stuffedninja1337]

Speaking from experience, he’s likely gonna keep running from the “you need therapy” argument his entire life. My ex was like that. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.

[@LadyDnMiller]

I don't know wht when Mark interjects his comments I always bust out laughing. Op: I don't think they will be anymore updates on this Mark: There us Op: And if there is it wont be posted here Mark: It will

[@Oggystein]

The thing that got me about this story was the "did you ever intend to tell me?" "No" response. I mean, three years of dating and he never thought about marriage? It'd be kind of hard to be in a marriage and tell your wife you have to go to "work" every single weekend.

[@tallyp.7643]

Part of me wonders if his continual refrain of "I'm not a good person" is because he actually IS doing it for the accolades and praise, rather than because it's a good thing to do. He hopes someone figures it out that he's volunteering deep down to get positive recognition, but feels it's wrong to toot his own horn (could use more info on the classes thing). It's a false humility. He should've told the OP, and it's plain selfish that he didn't. He's just not that into her and she hasn't been a priority. 12 hours out of 48 on a weekend volunteering, and he couldn't spare 3 or 4 on a Saturday or Sunday night? Bull--he should've just told her he'd rather be friends and move on. Sucks to be the person putting in all the effort to hang out or meet and the other won't meet halfway.

[@loganjoh1]

The fact he lied about that for 3 years is crazy to me. He also isn’t in a good place to be in a relationship. OP tolerated not even spending a full day with him on a consistent basis for 3 years that is insane. The fact he knows he should probably (he 100% needs to go) go to therapy but won’t says a lot about him he isn’t willing to get help especially to keep OP in his life she was right to leave him.

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

Well OP was a fool to herself for sticking around for 3 years to get a scrap thrown her way every once in a while. Would you have stuck around for 3 YEARS without a conversation about where the relationship is going? Most couples are already living together by that time. As for the therapy, all I can think is he has had some bad experiences with therapists in the past and has no use for them. They are simply mismatched in what they want out of life!

[@Regrettable-Username]

I wouldn't be able to trust him at all after he lied to me for that long. I don't trust easily, so when that trust is broken things are pretty much a done deal, but that's just me. Hope he heals and I'm glad that OP is free to live her life without all that nonsense.

[@madisonl3401]

Mark, please do an entire episode of your stories from growing up! They are always so entertaining and I think many of us would love to hear them ❤

[@rebelks88]

If any of his friends from back in the day want to write them up from their perspective too that would be extra fun!

[@CouncilEstateRach]

Swan man

[@FlamesofJagger]

I would like add my vote to this!!!

[@kristinecollier9155]

I agree 💯

[@ZomBeeQueeen]

This is a great idea!!!

[@DragonbornMike-ym2er]

Working every weekend, lying for years about it (even if the lie was about something good?), and then with him trying to say it's nit a big deal, and after conceding that argument just goes "ok, but im not gonna fix the issue i made". Honestly, dude has issues he refuses to deal with and OP dodged a bullet. At that point, who knows what else he could or does lie about?

[@AndyyWithAY]

The title 👀👀 These titles have had me in a chokehold. Where the hell have you been 😂😭 After that update as my Granny says: if you'd lie about that, you'd lie about anything Secret family was my initial guess. No weekends should always be a red flag. Too many times someone have used that to have a side piece. Lying for THREE years is grounds to break up. Embarrassed about volunteering at a homeless shelter? Disgusting! Do not collect go, do not collect $200 run directly from this man.

[@Guitarbarella]

Volunteers do not usually say much about it-they normally just get on with it. Quiet achievers

[@DK-tq3fy]

There is not patting your self in the back and then there's consistently and will fulling lying to your partners face.

[@Guitarbarella]

@@DK-tq3fy prob coz he knew she would stop him from doing it. If she is a certain personality type it may have been difficult for him to extract himself but i dunno, imo i think that any woman that doesn’t at least get more curious about every weekend for three years is frankly a bit slow witted even if he was lying to her, most women could have been suspicious way before then.

[@Guitarbarella]

Like who would put up with that? For three years that you bf you can never get free time together on weekends.she didnt even know and tell him that he needed to change it around? Somethings off regardless coz i dont think i know one woman that would put up with it for three years..most of us would assume a secret family..lol

[@sophiahumphrey4686]

He was lying for three years and was not going to tell her. He did not trust her to tell her the truth. He said he volunteered for six hours on Saturday and Sunday. He could have spent some time with her. She never questioned him about it for three years. They were right to break up. He can do what he wants now.

[@silvanonsilverhorn8371]

Having seen more than one person go through a PHD program, I’m honestly surprised this guy managed the time to both volunteer and have a relationship in addition. Depending on the program, they can be truly brutal. Still doesn’t excuse the lying, of course.

[@AndyyWithAY]

I was yesterday year's old when I learned Warfarin(blood thinner) started as a rat poison. I love finding out random facts like this. Getting my walk in now. Have a holiday party later this week and I'm excited to get fancy

[@carolroberts4614]

I've been on warfarin for many years! Had to come off it to have an operation on my broken wrist today!

[@AndyyWithAY]

@carolroberts4614 Oh wow! I'm sorry you broke your wrist and I hope your recovery goes well. 🤗

[@joeschmo622]

And Premarin is extracted from PREgnant MAre uRINe. Strewth...

[@carolroberts4614]

@andeawe13 thanks! Broke it 2 weeks ago in a fall, and it didn't start mending , so it's had to be reset, and fixed with a metal plate!

[@stampandscrap7494]

Did you know Kellifs cornflakes were invented as prison food

[@sandyberger-r9j]

The real problem is that OP isn’t the boyfriend’s first priority.

[@eileen58]

I had a boyfriend in high school who used to tell me he had “work” all the time after school and could rarely hang out with me after classes. I found out a couple years later from a friend of his I was dating that he was actually hanging out with his friends and didn’t want to hang out with me because he was afraid of a physical relationship progressing with me. lol He was older than me, I figured he would have been excited for that, but I was wrong. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with me, I guess he just wasn’t ready for intimacy with anyone yet. I would have been ok with that, I just wish he would have shared that with me instead of ignoring me completely most of the time.

[@lenshields4598]

They girl irritates me, I didn't tell u where I was going because I knew you'd want time on the weekends, also, as soon u find out the truth, why can't I have more on the weekends whine

[@carlrood4457]

There's a saying. "If you help someone and more than two people know about it then you did it for the wrong reason."

[@madcatlady]

He is doing "penance", some people get off on being a secret martyr, I know there are others who do charity for clout but most who do it actually encourage others to do it too, not keep it a secret because more helpers helps the charity. His attitude is a self flagellating one.

[@A_LadyBugs_Way]

Why because he's not Recruiting others? You sound like you're Losing Air up there on Top of that Mountain.

[@madcatlady]

@@A_LadyBugs_Way why are you so invested in this?

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

this woman doesn't realize that yes, all of the people she talked to at the shelter could've been lying for him.

[@ANAMEHASNOTBEENTAKE]

They could have, but at a certain point it becomes the less likely explanation. Like, with 24 hours notice, he convinced a bunch of moral volunteers and homeless people to lie for him? A guy they didn’t know? That’s quite a stretch.

[@A_LadyBugs_Way]

You sound Crazy to come up with That. Stretch Armstrong Granddaughter is Reaching with this Comment. You're Delusional.

[@clarabp2613]

At one point I thought they were paid actors

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

Maybe his friend runs the soup kitchen, maybe he used to work there a lot and they still now him. Maybe he brings all his unsuspectedly side women there and they know the drill. It is not impossible for several people to lie for someone.@@ANAMEHASNOTBEENTAKE

[@ohsocosy]

He said he was working and he was. Volunteer work is still work, and it sounds likely that if will (in the long run) help in his career given the vague hints that his PhD is in social care. 🤷‍♀️

[@jessicawolfe5861]

So sad to be shamed for being a good person. No one should have to hide helping people. Especially with your partner.

[@BulletTooth504]

Compulsive liar. Not a good person. Terrible partner.

[@GabrielBadwolf]

Honestly it always makes me wonder who has the time or energy to run a double life any time someone does it in these Reddit stories

[@AngelaMerici12]

Some men are just absent from their families. Not that strange. And people just accept it. OP had 3 years with this guy "working" through weekends.

[@MazzaEliLi7406]

OP & Phd were not operating as partners. Phd was making unilateral decisions about how to use his time & lying to OP about those decisions. Phd was invested in himself & OP was treated as an appendage rather than as an autonomous human being. OP was gracious to end the association without drama. Hopefully OP will communicate better with future love interests before investing so much time & effort into hopefully more productive partnerships. Best wishes.

[@stevebird4541]

I understand and applaud this man's moral compass. 👏 sucks the way it ends yet feels like the right way all round

[@TheArmyOfGoats]

Let’s sip some ☕️ Worf Gang

[@jaymevosburgh3660]

Yes, Captain

[@ailinfergan]

KAPLAH!

[@Crisguss22]

I'm actually surprised that the one deal breaker the bf couldn't keep was having just one single therapy session. He was willing to do everything else, but one session was too much to put for a 3 year relationship.

[@BruinPhD2009]

Story 1 is just more evidence that we can never underestimate how trauma can have long term effects on people. I did (and still do) a lot of church work as a musician. In one parish, one of the priests would never chant any of the service music and I assumed it was because he couldn't sing. One Sunday, he was in the choir loft near me and I could hear him singing with the choir during the closing hymn. He had a BEAUTIFUL voice. I asked him later why he wouldn't sing and he told me that when he was in elementary school (when most little kids can't sing), his voice wasn't good, but he sang with gusto because he loved it. The teacher stopped the class and told him IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that he was terrible and she never wanted to hear him sing again. So he stopped and he said even though he tried, he could never get over the embarrassment from that moment. He'd sing quietly in groups, but he could never bring himself to do more than that. That story is still one of the saddest things I've ever heard, and I could feel the same coming from OP's boyfriend. I hope he manages to find a way to get over those feelings someday.

[@petitmains]

Yeah...doctoral students *absolutely* work on weekends. IDK about the humanities kids or anything below Bio (lab work heavy) but Bio and up? We are working that much. Especially if we say...picked a time course study.

[@KE-hr4sb]

S1: Even if cheating's not involved, he's been lying to you your entire relationship. That's a deal breaker in itself.

[@FanFicnic]

That was the most bizarre set of conversations. I still have 0 idea what was happening there.

[@carolroberts4614]

Came back from the hospital late, so I was reading the early post late, and came here to read the late one earlyl My left arm is completely numb from the meds, it's really weird!

[@CouncilEstateRach]

Why is no one saying ...6 hours in the day..what is he doing on friday night saturday night sunday night???i wanna scream!!!!! 12:59

[@patty-pat-pat]

I'm wondering if he's homeless there himself

[@ruthsaunders9507]

Resting.

[@angeloliver7613]

Story 1: I can understand Op's frustration. Volunteer guy lied for 3 years, doesn't want to get distracted by her (very insulting), doesn't want to compromise, wasted her time

[@PlasticBluVentRabbit]

Mate. I’ve heard mental gymnastics before, but this is fuckin’ Olympic level

[@wildfyah]

Ahh I get what he means... people are kinda weird about people who are too helpful

[@RichTgg]

Story 1 is the exact plot of a TV show.

[@jrytacct]

Everyone says that they're so confused about the boyfriend's behavior, but it makes perfect sense to me. He's learned that no good deed goes unpunished. Let's review: Helping Classmates Behind-The-Scenes: All is well. Helping Classmates Openly: *Punished* Helping the Homeless Behind-The-Scenes: All is well. Helping the Homeless Openly: *Punished* So, he was right. Whenever his charitable efforts come to light, he's punished every time. The correct conclusion is that that he needs a better cover story. His mistake was picking one that was too easily checked and disproven. Hopefully he'll think of a better one next time.

[@lusnoct4298]

By the sound of it, OP made it pretty clear that her issue wasn't with him volunteering, but with him LYING FOR THREE YEARS. Now, yes, he's probably too daft to pick up on that, but it's hardly her fault at this point.

[@madambutterfly1997]

That's a major red flag right there. You don't want it to be publicly known that you are a caring and generous person? WTF.

[@daneallsaleem3174]

I mean to be fair, people take advantage of that fact and I'm thinking he knows he'll oblige, maybe he's a pushover and is easily taken advantage of with his kind nature.

[@TheBlueDsc]

I mean, I see people bashing people like that because "they're just doing it for the attention" pretty regularly, so I can kind of understand that fear. It doesn't help that there are people out there that actually do only do it for the attention.

[@truthseeker9249]

​@@daneallsaleem3174you're correct

[@truthseeker9249]

​@@TheBlueDscand so are you.

[@truthseeker9249]

The world is cruel to good people.

[@platinum_noelle]

I think it's a sign of severe anxiety from someone with severe anxiety, and he needs some professional help to cope and manage it. The extreme response from one set of negative responses to one type of help, the "I cant tell her because I already lied once", and the fact that he wouldn't have told her if she hadn't found out in her own way.

[@ianburden2851]

Why do I think of a slight case of autism as his actions and decisions seem as weird as fuck. Either that or he has a deep seated fear of disappointing people, unless of course you are his GF

[@ChasehaWing]

Nah man. Even as an autistic person I can not make heads or tails out of this guy. This dude is just strange.

[@jezebelle57]

It may not be autism, but it’s weird as fuck. Outside of the lying for three years, the unavoidable fact is that OP really isn’t all that important to him. He never spends a full day with her and blows her off and looks on her as a distraction? Wtf? He accepts them breaking up with no emotion, no pushback, just walks off like she meant nothing to him. Which she obviously doesn’t. OP is lucky she didn’t waste one more minute with this asshole. There is a certain type of man who will give his money and time to everyone BUT his wife and family. His children may be starving and practically homeless while he gives every dime he has to people he barely knows. He will literally let a family member die while he goes off to help someone else’s kid or spouse. I was close to a family member who did something similar to me. I was hungry and losing my home. He could have helped me. I certainly would have paid him back. Instead he went on a shopping spree buying tvs, clothes, and toiletries for some people I didn’t even know. I was floundering, broke, and in dire straits and he had the fucking nerve to ask ME to buy some lotions and toiletries for the mother of the family. It was as if my needs didn’t exist. But they did and his lack of concern for me broke my heart.

[@cheskydivision]

It’s refreshing to hear of ppl that want to do good without Bragging or posting on social media about it. I would be upset about the lying.

[@A_LadyBugs_Way]

Yes, I would be upset about the Lying but I would Not Have Busted his Balls for it, Demand he Goes to Therapy, or Broken up with him. I would have Volunteered with him some weekends Myself.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

Yes, helping others without bragging is great. And I think he should continue volunteering. But if you go into a committed relationship you also need to make time for your partner. By being gone to volunteer both weekend days while only making time every hour here and then during the week for your girlfriend he's neglecting the relationship. After 3 years you would expect a mutual wish to spend a full weekend day together. If he wanted to keep volunteering both weekend days he should have told her from the beginning so she could have decided from the start if his lack of freetime is what she wants in a relationship. She wanted time with him. Joining him at the shelter might be fun, but it's not time spent together. It's having to share him with all colleagues and homeless people just to get a little attention.

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

@@Nathan_BookwurmI can’t believe we found a woman who actually went 3 years without a consistent dating life with her boyfriend. Most couples at that point would be living together. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@uNkrEaTIvArTs]

I mean telling the whole world is one thing but letting your loved ones know is completely different. You can tell your girlfriend you volunteer it’s not letting the whole town know so you can bask in glory or whatever

[@ineedhoez]

Story 1: at the end of day, he has issues with toxic shame and lies instead of being honest. If he won't do the work to heal, that is all you need to know. This issue will not resolve itself and will definitely come up again later. The bigger issue is that OP was in a relationship based on his terms only. That imbalance of love, care, and respect is not healthy.

[@cniknik9863]

3 years and she's never met all his friends or family? He's not only lying, he's purposefully keeping her in the dark.

[@floraposteschild4184]

S1: this whole story is--but why? Why was this concealed? I don't doubt he's telling the truth, but there's some deep psychological reasons for this couple to come to grips with.

[@AlmeneBeranger]

Tell you what: I'll doubt he's telling the truth for you.

[@CreepyBlueAnimals84]

Does anyone else not get the embarrassment of helping out at a Homeless Shelter?! I am completely baffled by it and if anyone has more insight I'd LOVE to understand it all. I personally feel like there's something else he's not saying or outright lying about. Thank you in advance!!

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

I think maybe he had a few girlfriends in the past, or maybe just friends, who gave him grief for helping at a homeless shelter…to the point that they made him feel embarrassed about doing a good deed. People can be cruel creatures when they find something distasteful!

[@CreepyBlueAnimals84]

@stirrednotshaken4837 That makes sense if it is, in fact the reason!! Thank you for responding!!

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

@@CreepyBlueAnimals84 just speculating, but that’s what came to my mind to maybe justify his feelings. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@hilarymurray8741]

Six hours, even daily, still leaves a lot of time to see you, OP. Unless he is doing course work, there still leaves a lot of time left he could be with you.

[@ChasehaWing]

As a once Brave Knight from Camelot once said: "What a STRANGE person." (Monty Python and The Quest for the Holy Grail.)

[@jameswatson9338]

OP's boyfriend sounds amazing.

[@willow8186]

Mark, I love you so much (platonically lol)!! My cat loves you too. Your posts always makes me happy just because you’re such a good guy, and so relatable. There’s a million reaction channels out there but yours is the best ❤ Also had a good giggle today when you said “there is” after the no further updates thing.

[@hritwiksom3032]

I kind of get the "never let anyone find out about you doing something good" like yes anyone, not your best friend, family or anyone. Some people can find that weird but yea it's relatable to me. It's (probably) not due to past trauma or anything. It's not low self esteem, but an intense amount of self-hatred towards oneself. I can't explain it to myself or anyone because there's no logical reason, so when OP asked him about it and he got uncomfortable that's relatable as well. However that's the extent that I relate to him. Whatever I said above shouldn't definitely be at the cost of your relationship, it should be the opposite. People who hate themselves, want to be loved by others. OP's bf's reaction shows me he was not at all invested in the relationship and just saw it as an extension of work. I'm wondering how this lasted so long, probably OP and him being too busy with work to notice that this was no relationship at all but just an agreement of keeping each other company with minimal emotions involved...

[@Azulakayes]

He doesn't have deep social bonds and to me, that's very disturbing. I also think he was afraid of therapy because he would have had to explore why he behaves like he does because this is not normal in any sense.

[@risingrat5491]

Just the fact he was able to lie about something like this for 3 years is unacceptable.

[@fyoutube9410]

I burst out laughing at the homeless shelter part.

[@dianabialaskahansen2972]

The 3 years of pathological lying was enough reason to end it. Only seems they discussed it for so long because volunteer work is a very charitable thing, yet the lies would be hard to deal with. And then his unwillingness to compromise, when OP would give him the chance. Wondering if he had a side piece after volunteer work, which is why they could never do anything after he returned from work there.

[@suncricket]

The boyfriend is immature. He lied about a big part of his life for three years and refused therapy when he clearly needed it. I suffer from low self-esteem so I know what the boyfriend is feeling/why it got this far, but it doesn't stop it from being infuriating. Good on OP for leaving.

[@GreenKnight1982]

op is immature, what kind of person gives an ultimatum to spend more time with them and less time volunteering with the homeless

[@suncricket]

@@GreenKnight1982 Did I say she wasn't immature? Yes, she is immature. Doesn't change the fact that he's more immature than her, imo

[@TheBlueDsc]

I don't think immature is the right word for this. He's clearly a deeply traumatized person potentially with undiagnosed mental illness.

[@theoford753]

@@GreenKnight1982 The type of person that values and respects the person that is in their life romantically. So I see nothing immature about this “ultimatum”. Also keeping in mind the OP expressed they don’t spend much time as is.

[@jaimedritt4622]

@@theoford753 I think a lot of people missed the fact that they don't spend a lot of time together anyway, and it's been like that for three years. OP's time was not valued, and their relationship was put on an inflexible schedule--not hers, just the boyfriend's.

[@ByrdieFae]

This is a WEIRD story. Also, I'd love to be in a Worf Gang.

[@TheOddityFair]

This is a weird one. Probably on of the weirdest stories Mark has covered. As far as OP goes, she had every right to feel like she did. Her BF lied to her for 3 years. That’s what this boils down to. Regardless of reason, that’s a massive red flag. He’s clearly got issues that need fixing, but there’s nothing to do if he won’t seek help. This breakup was inevitable.

[@NathanielTavington]

Anyone who says OP shouldn't have broken up with him has clearly lost the plot. It doesn't matter what he was doing, it is the fact that he LIED to her for three years. And he lied to her EASILY, and freely admitted that he would have kept lying to her if she hadn't confronted him. If you can't see what a huge red flag that is, you clearly need a seeing eye dog.

[@bluebeanie561]

The line of "you'll be a distraction" to OP after she asked why he didn't make for her, irked me since it raises the question on why he's in a relationship then. It's like the ex didn't know he was stringing OP along with no end plan. Hopefully OP doesn't have "sunk cost feelings" for long.

[@BloodSunBlast]

I'd drop anyone who's EMBARRASSED to help the poor

[@Amna613]

This story reminds me of a patient in TV Series House. the guy was so generous that he gave away his life savings, his car, his house. His wife divorced him because he would give away stuff to detriment of his family. There was a debate "Is he ill or is he just a good person". In the end, he was on dialysis due to one kidney failure and he offered to give his other remaining kidney to another person. House found a tumor which was impacting his thinking reflexes (Medical jargon) and treated him. In the end, he was just a person with a disease.

[@aceoverlord650]

I don't see anyone mentioning how odd and concerning the boyfriend's self deprication is? like, sure it's okay not to openly advertise his volunteering, but he clearly thinks he's a bad person and even twelve hours volunteering a week doesn't make him good? that's concerning for the boyfriend, and he clearly doesn't intend to get better

[@joshuapierce3085]

I'm not surprised. The moment he said that he likes to help people, considering she said he said he sarcastically said "uh-oh" but it matched his personality, it made sense as him working the homeless shelter would not match the image most people would have of him and lots of people just cannot cope with a person having two sides to them. Thus he hides that he has a second side that isn't sarcastic. And OP needs to realize that helping for the sake of helping, as he was doing, is the same thing to the person doing it. No matter how OP looks at it, that is how he does. To that degree, OP is kind of being selfish. If anything, instead of trying to get him to lessen something he loved (even if there was compromise that she help out during the time he is doing it) AND asking him to go to therapy, she should have offered to do it with him without him dropping any hours and then asked for therapy. Asking him to do both may have looked like she was simultaneously saying that it was fine what he was doing but that he was right to be embarrassed about it.

[@BulletTooth504]

Even if his story (including the unconfirmed parts) are 100% true, he's still a compulsive liar and OP was clearly not very important to him.

[@Copernican]

Yes, OP's reaction has pretty much confirmed to him if he wants to be able to spend every weekend volunteering and not be judged for not sacrificing that time he has to hide it and say it's work, as people don't ask people to give up time working.

[@WolframKKM]

If someone was telling me they're 'not a good person' with zero explanation over and over again, I'm going to believe them. Like either he genuinely has guilt about something terrible he's done, or he has some sort of villain complex where he wants to feel like this dark twisted soul that no one understands. Either way, you don't have to put up with that shit if he isn't willing to work on himself.

[@itsjonna5070]

Marks voice when he corrects the op about that there was an update and that it was in the same sub made me laugh 😂😂😂😂

[@niastevens5752]

She replaces the word stupid with weird

[@DirtSailor5]

I believe, look at all the famous people who try to help people out and they get shit on. Because people automatically assume they're doing it for the wrong reasons.

[@boogitywoogity248]

So my theory of the homeless story is that he killed a homeless with his car, and the guilt and secrecy all stems from that. He’s secretive about the volunteering because it’s a function of his guilt, he was a partying college kid on the weekends and some of that partying contributed to the accident. In a human way he overcorrected and now his weekends belong to helping the group he harmed. That’s why he can’t hang out with her, he owes them two days, but a compromise of 2 days worth of labor, (two people.) in 1 , is doable. Therapy is a complete no go, because a therapist would clock the bad lies, and any therapy risks uncovering the real secret at the center of it all, which is antithetical to his entire life set up around hiding it. The reason she could follow his story the second time was because he had more time to flesh out the lies lol, I’m fairly certain he killed a homeless person, that’s the truth. It’s why he insists he’s a bad person with no explanation, the truth he’s got tucked away is that, a good person wouldn’t have done what he did, and a good person would’ve at least turned themselves in. That’s why he hides the good deeds, he doesn’t want people thinking he’s good, because that intensifies the guilt.

[@Hogwarts_dropoutt]

Damn, that dude will never change, he will forever be the “victim caused by his kindness” if he refuses to work on himself. Not even dare to tell your girlfriend of 3 years that you’ve been doing volunteer work at a soup kitchen on the weekends for as long as you’ve been dating is not normal behavior. It would make me wonder what else he’s hiding. More than his volunteer work and his mental health that is!

[@hilaryc3203]

For some people, volunteering is deeply personal and they do get judged for it depending upon what it is. It's weird, but there are a lot of people who actually do look down on people who volunteer with the homeless as if doing that is way below volunteering to help sick kids, or people with disabilities. They deem sick kids and people with disabilities, or seniors as honourable work, but have the mindset that the homeless are much less deserving, I know that sounds bizarre and disgusting, but there are people who think that way. I've actually run into a few people who won't socialize with people because they volunteer with those "dirty people". Ops now ex bf obviously has a deep and abiding drive to help them, and it is a life vocation for him, yet she doesn't get that. It's not her fault, but someone who devotes so much of his life to that type of volunteering needs a partner who is on the same page.

[@Regrettable-Username]

For all we know OP could've been that partner for him, but he didn't even let her know about the book, much less what page he was on.

[@StephFish1004]

But this isn’t about her not wanting him to volunteer. Not once did she ever ask him to stop. She’s confused about the lie because she doesn’t see it as something to lie about, goes and volunteers with him, and agrees when he wants her to go with him once a week. He even acknowledges she wouldn’t be the kind of person to be judgmental about him volunteering, but continued to lie anyways and admitted that he never would have told her.

[@hilaryc3203]

@@StephFish1004 My comment was merely to suggest some reasoning behind him keeping it a secret. I never suggested she was not the type to volunteer, but that he would be better matched to someone with his level of vocation to it. He is devoted to it with a sense of real purpose and resolve and she doesn't come across as having that intense vocation to volunteer. I suspect he has some damage he is not prepared to deal with, but they are still not well matched.

[@lilolmecj]

@@hilaryc3203I kind of wonder if he was homeless at some point. OP comes across as quite immature, but she is only 24. Seems they didn’t spend a lot of time together, but that works for many couples. I figured the keeping his weekends a secret became one of those things where you begin to feel very foolish for starting the lie to begin with.

[@hilaryc3203]

@@lilolmecj Good points She had face timed his parents and there was nothing to suggest that he had been homeless. I know people who are extremely, and I mean, extremely driven to volunteerism; some are outgoing and some are quiet and in many ways emotionally vulnerable, yet their volunteering is a life long purpose they will never give up. He may have something about his personality that might indicate something else going on in how he sees the world, but because she is a late bloomer with her maturity, she doesn't see it. I found her to be a little immature as well. I hope he finds someone who is a good fit for him.

[@LSnicket]

This story reminded of something that happened with my wife. My wife is authist and she once had spmething similar happening to her in her workplace. She always tried to help people and someone just thought that was an atc, that she was faking it to "apppear good" to others. She was really taken aback by it and didn't know what to do. The thing was so hard for her that she didn't want to stop doing what she normally did but she didn't know what to do to not come out as "fake" to this person. (in all honesty, I think the person was just a biit jealous of my wife bc she was a good person without having to fake it) As a also neurodivergent person, I can see myself in OP's boyfriend's shoes, not wanting attention on me and not knowing how to explain a social lie I told to explain my whereabouts. Do I think her bf is blameless on all of this? No, but I can see how this is not a lie he is telling either.

[@daisyfaye3630]

He didn’t want to go to counseling because he’s full of it and would get found out.

[@ajzephyros7454]

I remember the story where the guy spent every weekend visiting his brother in jail and didn't want RP to know because every male in his family had been arrested and he didn't want her judging him by that. I was expecting some similar shit, but secret volunteering? The fuck.

[@jessicawood2406]

OP: I don't think there will be any more updates to this Mark: there is OP: ... But if there are, they won't be posted here. Mark: they are I chuckled at that! Like you say, "you cheeky so and so"

[@RobertBishop-xt6yq]

OP's boyfriend dodged a bullet