Cartels and A Good Man - ralphthemoviemaker

Become a Ralphthemoviemaker Member! / @ralphthemoviemaker Part 1 of Steven Seagal Reviews - • Steven Seagal Movies -...
This is a review of Cartels (2017) and A Good Man (2014), both films starring Steven Seagal and directed by Keoni Waxman.

[@StevePhoenix]

I love how Seagal constantly sounds like he's on his deathbed delivering his final words.

[@user04683]

Lmfao 🤣

[@diesinjapanese4754]

-Famous- last words

[@durkadurka5044]

I like how he runs as if Van Daam broke it off in his a$$

[@NINI-xc6my]

i like to think that Seagal was in so many bad action movies that even on his deathbed , while being surrounded by his family, he will try to sound like a badass.

[@vintagetoast3038]

Always a threat A big, bloated, always-sitting threat

[@trygveplaustrum4634]

He sounds like it's a chore for him to talk.

[@viscountrainbows6452]

I wouldn't be surprised if he's sneaking naps between takes because he ALWAYS sounds like he's groggy from a pill-induced sleep

[@markclayton8977]

He’s either on something or has a cognitive disorder, like a prior stroke.

[@Vorbis1199]

It's a chore to listen to him, too!

[@somedudefromTX]

@@markclayton8977 It's his brain cells being steadily replaced by fat cells

[@UberDr009]

It's in his contract. They have to add an extra 0 to his pay per decibel

[@CypherIsland]

“Almost 70 Year Old Man Lives Out Murder Fantasies Because He Was Too Scared to Join the Military”

[@jcdenton2187]

Almost 70 year old man who never diversified his acting career continues to believe his own lies about himself, pretending he's still a great action hero.

[@beircheartaghaistin2332]

@@jcdenton2187 *Still pretending he was ever a good a action hero

[@patrickbateman312]

@@beircheartaghaistin2332 Hard to Kill is a solid flick. His initial foray into action movies was pretty respectable. He's just a shit person, who let his ego get in the way of his limited ability.

[@beircheartaghaistin2332]

@@patrickbateman312 I stand by what I said

[@patrickbateman312]

@@beircheartaghaistin2332 Respectable

[@citsune174]

Steven Seagal bringing an entire fucking Katana with him on a Spec-Ops mission has to be the most blatant example of a self-insert, edgy "tough guy" I've ever witnessed in my life.

[@AztecUnshaven]

He's a legit martial artist though, 100 percent.

[@chironjo]

@@AztecUnshaven Yeah, and Sen Pai and Dalai Lama incarnation, in his own words!!😂😂😂😂

[@simronmwana3889]

That Katana came out from nowhere.

[@pokehybridtrainer]

@@simronmwana3889 Pulled it out of his ass.

[@ahall9839]

@@AztecUnshaven Wanna buy my essential oils?

[@alik250]

He needs two watches on each arm for the time zone difference across his body

[@nickk.2055]

I feel like such a piece of shit for laughing at this, but this comment is the funniest thing I've read all week

[@MarcelYT16]

👏 nice one

[@iflexx39]

Hahaha!

[@henrijs1733]

bruuuuuh i'm taking notes. legendary roast

[@amirh4733]

Glorious

[@Zhoniin]

Why is Steven always doing a half whisper? He sounds like a doctor writing a prescription.

[@Chuked]

Dunno

[@MTdaBlacking]

"I'm gonna prescribe ya some muscle relaxantsss for yer jaw..."

[@isaacbenzing5686]

A white doctor pretending to be black writing a prescription

[@demoman87]

drunken slurs

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“I will snatch every motherfucking birthday(?).”

[@onewingedangel2479]

Steven Segal's speech makes me understand how English sounds to non native speakers. Amazing

[@planetschlock]

When Steven Seagal delivers his lines, he always sounds like he's trying to begrudgingly make conversation on an abnormally long elevator ride with someone he hates.

[@GleeChan]

I love how Steven Seagal needs a body double even for sitting down scenes.

[@comixproviderftw_02]

He’s the reverse Bruce Willis

[@MisterSpinalzo]

I refuse to believe he's on set for more than the absolute minimum

[@HE13272326]

@@comixproviderftw_02 I'd rather have Bruce thought (if the Budget alows it) He actually used to be a real actor.

[@chrisredfield6274]

It's because he won't even show up on set half the time

[@panonymousbloom5405]

I don't think he needs one, I think the producers just prefer to frame a shot in a shitty way and place a body double than try to get him to do another take. I genuinely think he has like max two takes of every scene and gets bitchy when anyone tries to question his "acting choices".

[@TheFurboFin]

He always sounds like he’s running out of breath- or, well, I guess sitting out of breath

[@viscountrainbows6452]

He wasn't born on a turnip truck, man. He *is* the turnip truck.

[@narcspector]

FUCK ME THESE ARE BOTH SO GOOD🤣

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“Look at his lips, you can see the PLEH on his lips… It’s cause he’s so fat.” That had me crying 😂😂😂

[@gagnorblu]

@@comixproviderftw_02 I think my favorite description of his acting had to be ‘Fatly running around corners.’

[@bananaempijama]

Badum tss

[@DeepEye1994]

Good lord, the South Park parody was super accurate when they make fun of how poorly he handles the gun

[@ssharkbait]

The stunt men putting in all of the work while he just stands there waving his arms around is hilarious. It’s like when a parent lets their kid think they’re winning in a game.

[@Sir0fficerNasty]

I love that Seagal uses a body double for literally standing.

[@hewhobattles8869]

Didn't he also use one for sitting?

[@Irish88_]

@@hewhobattles8869 there isn't an actor alive who can sit better then Seagal

[@TheSecondVersion]

Eventually he'll need body doubles for sitting, speaking, and producing

[@robertqueen9154]

So does Bruce Willis

[@jaydubious6271]

Damn LMFAO 😂😂💀💀💀

[@Maxisamo1]

Imagine being a fit and professionally trained fighter, appearing in TWO MCU media. And then you have to pretend to get your ass kicked by Steven Seagal

[@mezmerizer0266]

How much you paying me?

[@sopronunciareglignocchi7255]

Not only that, but Georges St-Pierre is regarded as pound-for-pound the best mixed martial artist to ever exist by many mixed martial artist fans. He gained the UFC Welterweight and UFC Middleweight belts and finished his UFC career as champion of those weight divisions, whilst retiring with a professional mixed martial artist record of 26 wins and 2 losses (he avenged his two losses by beating Matt Serra and Matt Hughes in rematches). Steven Seagal is nowhere near Georges St-Pierre's level and Georges deserves so much more.

[@Maxisamo1]

@@sopronunciareglignocchi7255 Steven Seagal could get his ass kicked by any Joe Schmoe

[@fattiger6957]

@@Maxisamo1 Steven Seagull is def getting his ass kicked by high blood pressure and diabetes.

[@mannypardoacedetective856]

Yeah I was shocked to see GSP, I guess he needed money

[@manicpixiefangirl4189]

Someday someone’s gonna write the great American novel and the first sentence is gonna be: He was born at night on a turnip truck.

[@Bhubnipz]

Segal saying “fuck you, bitch”, as breathlessly as I’ve ever heard anyone say anything, is the laugh I needed tonight

[@IAmNumber4000]

I feel like he's going for a "too cool to deal with the villain" persona but instead it just comes across as "too exhausted to deal with the villain".

[@SureWhyNot777]

it comes across as "too exhausted to deal with the film"

[@suezuccati304]

@@SureWhyNot777 too exhausted to sit up

[@roxzannezook3269]

That old family guy skit where there’s that massive fat detective just sitting there wheezing and he solves the case somehow.

[@etrs]

@@suezuccati304 nice pfp

[@MinscFromBaldursGate92]

@@roxzannezook3269 Except Seagal doesn't have problems with cheese.

[@sallobo777]

Ralph in 30 years at Steven Seagal's funereal; "He was indeed a good man;He put my kids through college, thanks for the views Steven."

[@Gonzalo-gr7ov]

"30 years"

[@Brainwarts99]

Yeah he’s 70 years old I’m not sure he’s got that much longer lol

[@MrSergayfgtxd]

@@Brainwarts99 he's 70? daaamn

[@Mantis42]

he looks like he already died

[@lucasrodillo6739]

@Mario nice

[@BoogieDevil]

I love how when Steven talks, it sounds like he's about to pass out at any moment.

[@doctorferdinand1003]

In addition to his roles in the MCU, Georges St Pierre is also the consensus greatest UFC champion of all time, making Seagal's easy handling of him all the funnier.

[@pokemons1]

Ralph: "Say Hi to everyone Steven." Steven: "はいー"

[@colerogers3681]

😂😂😂😂

[@terrealexander4442]

I'm ded

[@comixproviderftw_02]

Steven “Weeaboo” Seagal

[@papayer]

He does look like he's ready to attend an animecon.

[@wyattc.4455]

I can imagine Steven reciting the navy seal copypasta.

[@papayer]

@Hou I don't know about no pauses. He's out of breath every other letter A.

[@RifleEyez]

He probably wrote it

[@krishanuA]

You have won something with this comment. I don't know what it is, but you've won something!

[@aarondavis8943]

And then snatching all the mother fucking Labour Day long weekends.

[@dmichael7144]

Imagine Seagal going through BUD/S training. He would drown after… Imma be generous and say 6 seconds!

[@253Monty]

That turnip truck line is delivered with the most conviction I've heard Seagal use in like a decade.

[@geofff.3343]

You know, when I think about these Segal films I think about good films with aging action stars. The one that comes to mind is The Foreigner with Jackie Chan. As someone who grew up on Jackie Chan movies I wasn't expecting him to do a lot in the film. The writers knew this. He plays a realistically aged man, with a family. He's not got everyone talking about what a badass he is, he's not running around competing with people half his age. So when it does come out that he is a bad ass it feels earned, and even when he is in fights he wins them either through preparation, some fortuitous good luck, or escapes them by the skin of his teeth. Yeah, he's able to fight, but like a proper martial artist, he has an awareness of his limitations and knows how to fight to give himself the advantage or run away to continue his large goal. He rarely takes on anyone in a straight fight and when some random muscle does track him down it's almost harrowing because you know he can't win against them all. Segal is just living out puerile fantasies, which hey if you can get someone to front lots of money so you can play make believe more power to you I guess, but it's just so sad.

[@sacredswordaikido]

how she living out fantasies? he's in movies.. they ARE fantasies. these are just roles. for entertainment.

[@connorfinnigan263]

Steven feels like an AI based character when you type in the characteristics "fight" "martial arts" "fat" and "god complex"

[@sacramentocheesehog9195]

Lmfao 🤣

[@pla1ne]

@Prayingmantis211 AI also implies that his intelligence is artificial

[@ROYBGP]

He doesn't actually know any martial arts or how to fight.

[@jeevithrai7994]

I wonder what AIDungeon would come up with, using those traits.

[@da_vincii5719]

Don't forget "American"

[@finp_c2857]

"I was born on a bright sunny fucking day man"- Segal sigma male

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“I was not born on a fucking turnip truck, man..” You know he thought that speech was fucking awesome.

[@davidjames579]

@@comixproviderftw_02 He is the King Of Improv, after all

[@papayer]

@@davidjames579 if you'll excuse him saying so. I wouldn't blame if you didn't, I certain don't myself.

[@varegab]

Oh, you think the sunlight is your ally. I was born in it.

[@izzeypally]

"No joy" is what you get while watching Steven Segal movies

[@First.And.Final.Fury.]

Steven Segal is the type of Sensei to get his ass whooped and say he took it easy on you And then you get kicked out of the dojo.

[@phffffbt]

I love how despite claiming to be a Martial Arts Expert, Seagal sounds out of breath when he's just sitting down.

[@alexthemoviemanoutofmymind7897]

His bs no one taking him seriously in the Mma community

[@gaiusjuliuspleaser]

He was supposedly a pretty good aikido practicioner. Of course that was 40 years and 400 pounds ago.

[@pentelegomenon1175]

breathing exercises man

[@Roccosfilms]

I have asthma and I'm better at breathing

[@Sky_Cloud]

@@gaiusjuliuspleaser 4000*

[@TheTexasDice]

"This is an actor..." Okay wow, Ralph. I'm already not on board with your script 3 seconds in.

[@nandhitanarendratmaja1302]

Ralph dropping hot takes on the first five seconds as usual

[@papayer]

I can't tell whether you're being serious or not and that's sad with how bad the comments on his videos are getting as of late.

[@nan0artz92]

Doesn’t matter to me, I’m here to be entertained

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“Look at his lips, you can see the PLEH on his lips. It’s cause he’s so fat.” That had me crying 😂😂😂

[@narcspector]

@@comixproviderftw_02 bro that and "his miniscule penis" I was scream laughing like a maniac 😭

[@TheHockerman]

The reason he only holds the gun with one hand is so he can use the handrail lmao

[@FilthTribeFTP]

Lol, "I wasn't born at night"? That makes absolutely no sense. The saying goes, "I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born LAST night", meaning "I'm not stupid, I've been around and know a thing or two."

[@DreadedEnding]

“This is the fuckin come to Jesus moment; and I was not born on a turnip truck man.” Honestly some of the best dialogue I’ve ever heard

[@SAMSARALIVEEEEEE]

Get to the fuckin nitty gritty here

[@AfferbeckBeats]

The turnip truck line was almost kinda cool, and you know the writer/Seagal thinks so too because then they overdid it with the lame 'wasn't born at night' follow up.

[@GigaChadh976]

@@AfferbeckBeats Like what was wrong with the actual expression? Y’know “I was born at night, but not last night.”

[@madmanpecos]

“I will snatch every motherfucker birthday”

[@user-sh3vz3ol3j]

What does it even mean, and how is one supposed to actually react to that? lol

[@maromaro1337]

There are a handful of things I love in life. *One of them are reviews of shitty Steven Seagal films*

[@TheSquad4life]

Me too

[@Kaiden-9226]

There movies are funny to shit on

[@thema1998]

Same here! 🙋

[@thatguyintherain3168]

Correction: just Steven Seagal films

[@w4rlock348]

You gotta love MistaGG ones then

[@BernardGarcon]

18:41 Steven's totally real sword wiggled like a 3 dollar prop after impaling that man who questioned the validity of his creation of Anderson Silva's front kick

[@howie_potterYT]

Steven Seagal delivers his lines like he just finished walking up five flights of stairs.

[@hronnoc9532]

I'd love to see him preparing for his action scene. *stretches back* *tries to touch toes* *coughs* "Alright let's do this" *lumbers away*

[@codysubways5117]

💀💀💀💀💀

[@Youcifer]

best comment

[@agent-xqj3733]

Your comment deserves more likes

[@Qira.]

_"If ah stretch too muhch..."_ [Heavy inhale] _"-I throw ma back ou[t]."_ [Sleepy wheeze with eyes closed]

[@dundun8640]

Hahahahaha

[@VampireNahga]

Every time there’s a scene of Seagal walking, he looks like a glacier slowly moving forward…

[@courier6960]

If Seagal was a glacier, then the titanic would have probably had enough time to get out of the way

[@redbigun]

1. Will Sasso portrayed him so accurately on MadTv. I was young and saw it when it aired, but I was clueless about what kind of person Steven Segal is. 2. He is a complete creep and that Katherine Heigl story confirms it.

[@bigronnie9629]

I'm just waiting on him becoming "Born Again" and start doing Pure Flix films. You know it's coming.

[@MrPolicekarim]

Isn't he a Buddist though? But he is that person though, I agree 100%!

[@glitchedoom]

Nothing would make me happier.

[@AEFarnam]

Here's why so many of Steven's scenes use doubles stand ins or are shot on separate days: he's unbelievably horrificly, awfully, impossibly hard to work with. My Uncle Rick was on the lighting crew of SNL from the late 80s til about 5 years ago. The guest house that came on over the years that he worked there, Steven Seagal was the absolute worst guest host ever to work with. Why? When he showed up on Monday the week prior to airing he did so with his lawyer, and the lawyer informed everyone, from lighting to camera to catering to cast that they were not to speak to Steven, but to speak with him and he would relay to Steven, who was often only a few feet away. He tried to control the lighting aspects of the show, the camera blocking, re-writing lines mid rehearsal, all mind you through his intermediary, the lawyer. He said Al Franken, normally a completely composed cool calm guy was so worked up over Stevens attitude he said he would kill him if he ever set foot on set again.

[@drygnfyre]

Hasn't he also in recent years become a slightly unhinged alt-righter? Maybe I'm thinking of someone else. But I've heard that he's pretty much burned through any goodwill he's had and this is why he has to do these terrible movies to stay relevant in any way.

[@nickk.2055]

@@drygnfyre LMAO, youre not wrong. in ralphs previous seagal vid, he cuts to a fucking completely unhinged TV interview with seagal where he is goes on and on about some dumb conspiracy theories about the Democrats, it's honestly hilarious watching the news anchors trying to process what hes even trying to say

[@andymancan_]

@@nickk.2055 not to mention he's publicly defended Putin and said he's one of the greatest living world leaders

[@Gta4isgarbage]

Here's my question, Why can't people talk to steven?

[@henrijs1733]

@@andymancan_ putin's not even top 3 by Russian leaders. the fuck Stephen. i trusted you.

[@Rampy470]

So that line about being born on a turnip truck is a severe butchering of an old idiom, "just fell off the turnip truck". It means the same thing as saying someone was born yesterday (naive easily fooled etc) but more popular in rural areas. Now how the hell he turned that into "I wasn't born on a turnip truck" I have no idea.

[@jackmeeks2294]

Lol he also took "I was born at night, but not last night." And turned it into "..and I was not born at night, I was born on a bright sunny day."

[@Kickiusz]

@@jackmeeks2294 King of improv, ladies and gentlemen.

[@brianlawson3757]

I was about to say the same thing. It's a turn of phrase that my father used often.

[@devforfun5618]

@@Kickiusz that explains everything, he changes completely normal lines into dumb lines that make no sense, just so he can claim he wrote his own lines

[@jwanbesande2734]

"I didn't fall out of yesterday."

[@shotgunsam23]

Even poor GSP was pulled into one of his movies

[@ameliadavidson360]

Ralph, bless you for this. I cannot tell you how many times my brother and I have quoted this video of yours. Priceless. This is art!

[@Red-jl1qr]

The whole "I wasn't born on a turnip truck" spiel had more swears than a middle school old bus ride

[@kolonarulez5222]

It's like whoever wrote the script was being paid an extra dollar per f bomb

[@at2425__]

The devil works hard, but Steven segals body double works harder.

[@kuyarickkelley4719]

Hard enough to give Bruce Willis' body double a run for his money

[@wetstinkysocks490]

Steven works hard too ya know! Like he works so hard to read a wikiHow on how to hold a gun and I think he understands the gist of it. Like he knows to hold and point it lol and if you speak a different language other than English that's okay! Steven will just kindly ask, "hey why don't you speak English?" Problem solved 🤗

[@silversurfer6360]

Not really his body double just have to stand

[@nemanjajovanov]

It's tough to find him a body double, because Steven Seagal is already double the human body. That's why they tried to get him a stand-in, which was also weird because Seagal rarely stands.

[@domantasdziakonis9629]

This was hilarious. Listening to Steven Seagal talk is painful. He's one of those people you just want to tell to stfu when they're rambling while drunk.

[@arcusma]

Ralph, I think he’s like an Elden Ring boss, you have to activate him so he can move around

[@colletti914]

That whole "turnip truck" monologue was the best I've ever seen Segal act. I bet that was just him flexing on the other actor, and they just happened to get it on film.

[@LowRentLefty]

Which is weird because Luke Goss isn't that bad of an actor. He was great in Blade 2 and Hellboy: The Golden Army. You'd think that he'd be acting circles around Segal.

[@STARDRIVE]

It's such a rake expression. I actually think he WAS born in a turnip truck, and is in denial. Why else would he bring it up?

[@q.parablesque5610]

He got both of those saying wrong. It's "I didn't just fall off a turnip truck" and "I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night."

[@flamesofjihad4069]

@@q.parablesque5610 Finally someone gets it.

[@Takimeko]

Steven Seagal has mastered the art of speaking in Cursive.

[@KalisShort]

No he is speaking braille

[@P-P-Panda]

@@KalisShort I CANT EVEN 😂

[@chillhour6155]

Steven Segal, the only actor that needs a body double for sitting down

[@aarongoldberg3316]

This was such a good video! Some of the best content Ralph has put out recently

[@darrinfromvault801]

Anyone else see the Seagal "reality" show where he was a Cajun sheriff? It was the pinnacle of the genre

[@Chuked]

T h e p i n n a c l e

[@talkinghoorse6936]

It's also the show where he ran over a dog with a tank.

[@DoctorTauri]

@@Chuked pineapple

[@max850]

Is that the one Tom Segura makes fun of?

[@So1oman23]

@@max850 yes!

[@ShAd0wSh0ckEr]

Steven wasn't actually intimidating him, he was just legit telling him the very details of the day of his birth.

[@b3nl555]

Just to clarify, he wasn't born on a turnip truck.

[@henrijs1733]

@@b3nl555 that's impossible to know at this point

[@b3nl555]

@@pKerViKNG EXACTLY, THANK YOU. Contrary to popular belief, he was born on a bright fucking sunny day

[@Tim_the_Enchanter]

"I wasn't born on a turnip truck ... and I didn't fall off at night." No ... wait ... "I was born in the morning ... but I didn't have breakfast ... " No ... wait ... "Fool me once ... a fool has no money ... " No ... wait ...

[@callmehanson9466]

I love how he pretty much only uses a pistol because he's so out of shape he can't hold a prop rifle for an extended amount of time.

[@zleep9182]

so glad Steven Seagulls took a break from his job as a policeman to deliver such fine kino as “a good man”

[@ozymandiasramesses1773]

He protects and craft-services.

[@chefburns7482]

Pretty sure he got fired for driving a tank into a house and killing family dog

[@swedishhousemfia]

“Kino der Seagull”

[@calmgoodfire4662]

I still can’t believe he’s sitting down and is still tired asf

[@Shooopdawooooop]

Well when you’ve been 450 pounds since 1992 I mean…. His hearts had to have been replaced several times at this point.

[@somedudefromTX]

He's Eric Cartman IRL

[@josephc.highjr.2947]

He's the new Cameron Mitchell.

[@narcspector]

He's clearly on drugs in addition to being fat. And I don't mean like illegal narcotics necessarily (that'd be hella ironic tho lol), more likely Opioid Painkillers or some kinda like tranquilizer, or even a benzo like Xanax or Valium. If he's stone cold sober talkin like that; then I want to be paid for the fact that this mutant is allowed to live on the same planet as me, getting paid to sit down, read words, walk around, and start to pretend to throw a punch or kick before they cut away to a stuntman. HE DOESN'T GET TO HAVE FREE MONEY BECAUSE HIS NAME "CARRIED *WEIGHT"* (gottem) IN A VERY DUMB PERIOD OF TIME IN AMERICAN CINEMATIC HISTORY

[@somedudefromTX]

@@josephc.highjr.2947 At least audiences could understand most of Cameron's dialogue

[@t.fairuz29]

"I wasn't born in a turnip truck" is going on my Tinder bio. And probably also on my tombstone.

[@Goodbutevilgenius]

"I didn't die in a fucking turnip truck, man".

[@Kiskaa-]

I love how the guys who wear body armor look like they don't have any ballistic plates, or pouches. And Steven, whose vest has pouches, has magazines for guns that he doesn't use throughout the film.

[@CurtisDyer]

Nick Mullen: "fatly going around corners."

[@iamjester1]

Hell yea dude

[@gruntpocalypsenow]

Yeah, I’m thinking I’m fat

[@nsh1980gmail]

Also I’m gay

[@orenthalgregoriasmudbone7988]

I'm black actor Steven Seagal

[@MartKencuda]

"And that's Steven Seagal's definition of 'A Good Man'"

[@bigsboy2863]

I wanna be like Steven Seagal when I get older. Imagine getting paid just to sit in a chair, saying your lines horribly while out of breath, and just walking around sets pointing a gun wrong. That sounds easy to me. Not fun but easy.

[@Sorcerers_Apprentice]

He's a washed up has-been, you wouldn't want his life. He's a sexual predator who's beaten his wives and girlfriends, everyone in Hollywood hates him for being such a massive douche. He's burned all his bridges and can't get any legit work, all his films are being done by company fronts that launder money from organized crime.

[@screamsintothevoid9968]

That ain't a life worth living tbh

[@bigsboy2863]

@@screamsintothevoid9968someone’s gotta tell that to Steven

[@KaaneDragonShinobi]

minus the out of shape and two seconds away from a heart attack part at least let me look fit while pretending to be an action hero

[@gordonhill764]

Your videos are top notch. Great quality with great humor. The ghost of Yankee Jim bit is super funny.

[@weijingburr2392]

One day these movies will be appreciated for the high comedy they are.

[@N4chtigall]

Steven Seagal is literally built like Teletubbies. He walk the same, run the same, move his arms the same.

[@HeyitsTom999]

Equally understandable when he speaks...

[@redwoodpartisan2433]

That’s an insult to teletubbies. At least they’re joyful adorable little creatures for kids. Not Steven though

[@doomsday24]

Lol more like a penguin imitating a human being.. he is able to teleport waddle away from a scend while he sends his body double to finish the job to show that he means business

[@mitchdouglas9844]

Bully-proof windows, troll-safe doors, nothing but kindness in here

[@bRETTfAVREatgbnyjmni]

In my safe spaaace

[@JonathanLewispartypenguin]

To be fair, he thought we'd all be super stoked on him.

[@Joecbg100]

"You may call me a pussy, they won't hear you in your safe spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace."

[@bRETTfAVREatgbnyjmni]

Let’s all get togetherrrrr And make bullying kill itself!

[@theitalianguy9979]

Ralph your videos always make the end of the weekend a little less shittier, thank you kind sir

[@Glassandcandy]

Big props to the VFX guys who had to edit out Steve’s Dialysis machine out of all of the shots of him sitting down barely moving. They did a great job, you hardly even notice!

[@astapler4808]

Kid: Mom can we watch Sicario? Mom: No, we have Sicario at home. Sicario at home:

[@tubeuser2222]

time to run away from home

[@jakey14344]

I'd rather watch the sequel. Sure, it had no Emily Blunt and the 2nd half was disjointed, but still enjoyable.

[@cavemanlovesmoke4394]

😭

[@bozotheclown1142]

@@jakey14344 You mean Emily Blunt?

[@jakey14344]

@@bozotheclown1142 sorry. I'm wrong.

[@victorm3237]

13:16 Segal is speaking French since GSP is from Quebec. Segal said « c’est bon. Viens » which the translation was correct « it’s ok. Come on. »

[@Rhiggins5173]

Yo Bitch, I love you. Your content is so strong, I really like it when you pull back and have a running story, I get why you don't do it as often anymore but the extra work really pays off in the video. I watched your reviews when I had to pull all nighters in college and they really helped keep the mood light and awake. It's interesting to see people being creative and honestly really inspiring. Looking foreword to see where you go, if you ever need an effects artist lmk Ty

[@therealgowon]

steven’s monologue 8 minutes in had me dying i thought it was gonna stop sooner but it kept going

[@sparthyslaysstuff2405]

I wasn't born on a fucking turnip truck man.

[@relaxationstation7634]

I think Steven wanted to be a part of "A Good Man" so when you googled his name it would say "Steven Seagal A Good Man". But that's just a theory.

[@bigkmoviesandgames]

Definitely a possibility.

[@krishanuA]

That settles it. Good work!

[@khamulthewack4732]

*A game theory*

[@krishanuA]

@Mario Hey, thanks Mario, for taking the time out from saving the Princess 👸AND putting across a pretty good point! Hopefully, 'Sensei' Seagal's Social media marketing team, or whatever it's called, will take note of this. 😂😂

[@PlatoonGoon]

'Steven Seagal: A Desperate Man' calling it

[@Turtleproof]

Glad you're back man, mellowed out and wise again. You can't let the bad movies win!

[@TheDevilinThePaleMoonlight]

Seagal meant to say "I was born at night, but I wasn't born LAST night" but the king of improve couldn't spin a known turn of phrase and was too bothered to do a 2nd take😂😂😂

[@yurikendal4868]

Segals fights scenes are just one guy letting Segal throw him around while the others just stand watch patiently.

[@sparking117]

Just goes to show that he's a true master of aikido

[@marwapranata5698]

That's just how aikido actually is

[@MinscFromBaldursGate92]

@@sparking117 Also a master of Bullshido.

[@dmichael7144]

Fight scenes aren’t exciting when you’re hero doesn’t get hit once. It’s more fun when they’re challenged!

[@AscendantCorn]

“No joy” is a military term meaning “no information” or “no visual contact” on an enemy. It sounds cool when you say it once, but he just keeps fucking saying it.

[@joshfennell2257]

"More joy, then!" --Niander The Moviemaker

[@luliu4572]

I've been in for years now on both the enlisted side and the officer side in the field. Not once have I heard anyone say that

[@AscendantCorn]

@@luliu4572 it’s an aviation term. Not a flyer, but I served as a radio operator in the Army. I too never heard it actually said over comms, but it’s a real thing.

[@BlueSky-ve9md]

22:23, Ralph, my dude, that fly is a symbol of how bad, how dirty these Seagal movies are.

[@Sideshownicful]

13:00 He says: "C'est bon. Viens." which can be translated to "It's okay. Come On." Maybe he says that to the character GSP is playing to taunt him, although I don't know if it has been established that the character speaks french. He could also just be saying that to GSP, telling him he is not winded and filming the fight scene can continue...

[@ShamankingZuty]

The MadTV skits with Will Sasso playing Steven Seagal hold up to this day and perfectly portray Steven. I highly recommend checking them out.

[@sethlopez7769]

I remember those! Steven Seagal's America

[@sandyn3384]

I almost peed myself laughing 😂😂

[@theville9885]

Will is amazing in those. The one where he is convinced he can fly kills me.

[@briansimmons2723]

@@sethlopez7769 Put the sweet N low back on the table

[@sethlopez7769]

@@briansimmons2723 Proceeds to break neck lol

[@vrapbrap]

They should just start making movies with a Steven Seagal png being dragged around and his dialogue being just random cuts from lines he delivered in older movies.

[@suezuccati304]

dont tempt me

[@devforfun5618]

why all that work, just find a new actor with an artistic name like stephen seaghoul, dressed in leather with an orange glasses, people dont watch his movies because of him, they watch because of the idea of him, it is not even as if his movies are making any money

[@more17]

@@suezuccati304 OMG do it! :D

[@more17]

@@devforfun5618 not making this up that's kinda what happened to Bruce Lee after he died. There was a run of "Brucesploitation" films starring imitators like "Bruce Le" and "Bruce Li." :P

[@devforfun5618]

@@more17 i know, even jackie chan was one, but he decided to change the style of his movies to stand out, and it worked

[@chipsbag]

The next thing Steven would need is a body double for breathing

[@roryslaine7896]

What I want to know is who watches these Seagal movies unironically or with the intention not to completely mock and take the piss out of them?

[@docwho2828]

The answer is :Nobody!

[@SAMSARALIVEEEEEE]

I don’t know who would do that but i wouldn’t trust them

[@tbiz8459]

One his movies from a few years ago "Contact To Kill" with a 5 million budget brought in 7 thousand dollars.

[@chippo5616]

Look at my boy Steven, running and everything, so proud

[@danitho]

🤣🤣

[@viscountrainbows6452]

He jogged a whole 3 feet, that's a risky stunt for a man of his composition.

[@aokproservice9324]

Lmfao!!!

[@shawklan27]

Very cool.

[@snapdowndarsee4959]

How much did they pay GSP to lose. Steven probably taught him his secret front kick as payment.

[@alexl2679]

The secret is just to weigh as much as a small hippo

[@richardcheese4680]

Silva would’ve never destroy the middleweight devision if not for Steven “the Sensei” Seagul.

[@jakey14344]

I'd rather watch Jake Paul beating Manny Paquiao than Steven Seaboomboom kick GSP's ass.

[@PeachBoi_Real]

literally whatever his role money was. He was paid to act, not kick ass.

[@satiregoat41]

Shoulda brought in Matt Serra for a surprise 3rd act fight scene

[@ArsynZ]

The sound mixing is so low to hide how much Seagal wheezes. He literally almost faints JUST from speaking his awful lines... while he's sitting down.

[@OhNotThat]

8:39 Steven: "I was not born on a fucking turnip truck man" Suspect: "Okay...I never said you were..." Steven: "I wasn't born at night, mudafuka. I was born on a bright sunny day! you hear me!" Suspect: "...alright. You were born during... the day?" Steven: "Do not think I'm fuken Do!" Suspect: "what?" Steven: "Do not think you can play me, get the fukin nitty gritty here!" Suspect: "What's happening?!"

[@bruhsoundeffect2801]

I feel like he takes these roles so he can convince himself he's as cool the people he's casted as. Like a kid on a playground.

[@fattiger6957]

That's Seagul's entire life. The guy constantly makes up complete bs about himself to sound cool, but he just comes off as a joke. According to him (at different points of his life) he's been Italian, Japanese, Mongolian, Native American, and Russian. He claims, as a teenager, he hung out with Bruce Lee and James Coburn. And he magically predicted Brandon Lee's death. And yet, Sly Stallone told a story about how Seagul was badmouthing Van Damme at a party. Then when Van Damme called him out and challenged him to a fight, Seagul wimped out and ran away.

[@jojbenedoot7459]

@@fattiger6957 don't forget he's the only civilian to have diffused a nuclear bomb

[@maximummatt73]

And Van Damme studied ballet and shit

[@xkidgey]

He's like Tim Heidecker but real. He's on a level of narcissism that is a spectacle to behold

[@nickkiller-0710]

He does his dialogue like a shy child reading something for the first time, the pauses are so off and he just emphasizes words weirdly all the time, but at least he can snatch every fucking birthday

[@Theevil6ify]

Seriously what does "snatch every fucking birthday" mean??

[@KORNEWARRIOR]

snatch every mudafuckin bird day

[@Lilferiby]

@@Theevil6ify I think it means he'll take every future birthday away from the guy when he kills him, but it's still a fucking lame threat, hah.

[@KORNEWARRIOR]

@@Lilferiby well i'm sorry to hear that

[@Lilferiby]

@@KORNEWARRIOR Well your version would have been better, haha.

[@whatifschrodingersboxwasacofin]

Wow, haven’t seen you for a while - your energy is so much more mature. In a good way; it no longer feels like you’re a film student in mom’s basement. Loved the past you, don’t miss the puppy energy. Keep up the great work - your analysis and commentary is still top-notch. Sub’d. ❤️ Edit: Seagal needs a good chemical peel. Or a filter. Ugh. But at least he has a squeaky new winter-weight leather jacket to wear zipped up while everyone else is in t-shirts. 🤷🏼‍♂️

[@xbaxy]

Can't believe Ralph didn't understand the deep philosophical implications of being born on a turnip truck.

[@ethanisfancy]

“He’s a good director. He knows editing, looping.” That reminds me of the Red Letter Media video where they cover The Last Vampire on Earth. All of the director’s compliments were like, “They always showed up!”

[@WittyOriginalUsername]

“He showed up on time and memorized his lines”

[@ethanisfancy]

@@WittyOriginalUsername That's how you KNOW an actor is great. Good job, Shrek!

[@rudeboyjohn3483]

"What's your favorite scene.... ... . I like..I like all of them"

[@redcomet_622]

"My name is Vitaly Versace and im a film director"

[@gaiusjuliuspleaser]

@@redcomet_622 Versace Entertainmen

[@daredevil6145]

Now, we need *Bruce Willis and Steven Segal* in a film called *Contract Kill- Absolute Death*

[@triggeredcat120]

I was squawk laughing at this. 😂😂

[@fattiger6957]

Can a film camera contain so much laziness and apathy on one frame. I feel like everyone who watches it will spontaneously fall into a coma.

[@colonless7512]

Break it down for me

[@Welcome2TheOhioState]

I can imagine the dialogue now “Break it down for every mother fucker birthday”

[@abc4781]

@@fattiger6957 you say laziness but keep in mind these dudes are as old as dirt lol.

[@victorbernard7384]

When he was naming the 10 films and he said "a dangerous man" that shit had me dying🤣🤣🤣 that pause though, it looks like he was about to crack up

[@s3.14dervision]

So glad I discovered your channel! I laughed so hard! I am a huge fan of Steven Seagal movies, although not for the reasons he would like! I've never enjoyed peeing myself so much! No lie..I laughed that hard, my dude!!! 💙

[@greengarnish1711]

Once Steven gets up from his chair that's when shit gets real.

[@colonless7512]

Break it down for me

[@MrVictor1227]

We are on the move

[@volpeverde6441]

when he shits his pants, more like....

[@jtwilliamson3723]

Yepp. The poor circulation, the labored breathing, the dizzy spells, the incoherent mumbling, the numbing and eventual lack of use of limbs. Yes, that's when the stroke - er, shit - gets real!

[@oneinathousand2156]

Now every time I doubt my writing ability I’m gonna remember “I wasn’t born at night, I was born on a bright sunny day” and know that even if my writing sucks I’m not ever going to write a line like that. It’s like Baby’s First Attempt at Themes.

[@justincruz5720]

That’s a pretty comforting thought.

[@buried4430]

Exactly how I feel, lol.

[@pentelegomenon1175]

I could make it work.

[@justincruz5720]

@@pentelegomenon1175 What do you mean? How can you make it work?

[@Sky_Cloud]

@@justincruz5720 change sunny to fucking and swap Steven Seagull with someone actually intimidating, make sure the guy is standing and being expressive and getting more aggressive, per word, in his delivery and you *might* have something. “I wasn’t born at night, *I* WAS *BORN* ON *A* *BRIGHT* *FUCKING* *DAY*”

[@TheSamiG]

Im laughing at that jump at 19:03

[@lwm2985]

I can't get enough of these. 13:02 is French, "C'est bon, viens".

[@shelfenthusiast]

seems like a good man. i doubt he'd ever be in the cartel.

[@zleep9182]

Someone needs to make one of those rage comic “he will never be” memes with this

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“That’s part of the life… BITCH!”

[@devilmaycrysarockingdontcome]

@@comixproviderftw_02 wanna be a gangster?

[@shawklan27]

Cause they don't want him there

[@superlombax1561]

I see what you did there.