Celebrate Your Goodness | Hayley Ep 4

One of the challenges when we’ve experienced trauma, is that we learn to focus on what is wrong about ourselves and the world around us. As a result, we habitually ignore not only our inherent sense of goodness, but also our achievements and accomplishments in life. By shifting our focus to celebrate and embody the best of ourselves, we are learning to invite more of this into our lives.
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[@alisoninglis2049]

Hayley is such an amazing person and it is so beautiful to see her emerging and understanding that there is a way to overcome her OCD, the inner critic, and her negative patterns. I love Alex Howard’s kindness and sensitivity and guidance. It gives me hope for my own long journey. I’m going to do the 12 week program. Thank you💕

[@hayley1473]

Thank you Alison ❤. Sorry for my late reply - i always forget my log in detail passwords. What lovely encouraging words . I do thank you ❤. I send you strength , peace and everything you need for your own journey . Thank you - sending love x x

[@amandachristie7886]

Good luck. I wish you so much happines. Xxx

[@user-yu7ud9yb2l]

What a lovely soul!! Wishing you every happiness Hayley. You deserve it all. ❤

[@hayley1473]

aww thank you so much ❤. Means a lot . Thank you x

[@SuperNorini]

I'm glad you have the opportunity to work with Alex and I hope life has gotten a bit easier for you Hayley. X

[@hayley1473]

thank you so much Noreen ❤

[@helenacoles7960]

Thank you so much Hayley and Alex for another fantastic episode. Hayley, I admire you so much for your courage in allowing us into these sessions. You are helping me so much as you have such insight into OCD and can articulate the way looping thought patterns work. It is giving me the words to use when discussing with my own therapist. I can't thank you enough. xx

[@hayley1473]

thank you so much Helena . I really thank you for your encouragement . Sending you strength , peace and love ❤

[@thescapegoatclub]

Oh yes, the inner critic that criticizes everything. No matter what I do, I’m wrong. Bingo!

[@hayley1473]

I made a list of my inner critics accusations one night …..i was up to 39 separate criticisms with 15 minutes 😂 . I. mean top marks for that at least . Pretty impressive isnt it 😂 x

[@janethansen9612]

I remember a wise person once saying in times of crisis, stop. I have carried that with me, and when things start wiring up my instinct is now to slow down. Slowing down is very effective. I am getting a lot out of these sessions, Hayley I think you are great.

[@hayley1473]

aww thank you Janet . Appreciated . Interesting thought about stopping in a crisis too . Thanks 😊

[@SuperNorini]

Such a lovely woman! Thanks Alex.

[@hayley1473]

Aww thank you Noreen . Bit teary reading that . Bless you ❤

[@abhiagrawal177]

alex sir, we cant express the amount of help you have provided with these in therapy session and tools and points, a big thank you from heart

[@anta3612]

Alex, from what I've seen in these videos, I really like your approach to therapy and the way you work with clients. Last year I began working with a therapist (who said they specialised in CS/M.E.) but had to stop attending almost immediately. The reason was because I had set a boundary with the therapist (similar to what Hayley did in this session: didn't have the reserves to go to a certain painful place at that particular moment) but the therapist kept pushing and implied that I just didn't like to be challenged. This made me furious because pushing is what I'm still trying to unlearn, and my pattern has been one of taking on challenge after challenge my whole life to the point that it'd become my default mode (never stopping to evaluate whether I was taking on too much or whether I should slow down). Even my work over the years with different therapists has been one of me pushing to the point of exhaustion: I'm no stranger to tackling my inner world/issues. Also, it's taken me years to understand and learn how to set boundaries with people. What happened with this therapist is that I knew where she wanted to go and I knew it was an area that I needed to address but didn't feel ready at that particular moment (I just felt I needed to slow down not avoid altogether). However, she wanted to set the pace at a rate I wasn't comfortable with and this triggered my sense of danger/feeling unsafe and led to some intense panic attacks. I tried to explain this to her, but she didn't see it that way: she saw herself as merely challenging my defenses (which she said was part of her job) and attempted to get me to question myself. I had three sessions and two of the sessions were spent with me trying to slow things down, work within my limits and set boundaries while she pushed against them. I ended the sessions though she insisted it was the wrong thing to do. At the time I thought that, if upon further reflection I came to the conclusion that I'd make a mistake by ending therapy with her, then I could always go back but at that time/moment it was more important for me to honour myself. During this session you confirmed what I felt at that time: a good therapist ought to know when a client is putting up resistance and when they are merely setting a boundary. Thank you.

[@hayley1473]

totally agree ! Alex is so so skilled . ❤

[@darlenepartridge2464]

Therapy shouldn’t be trauma, yet I do believe if we don’t face it we can’t chase it…it chases us instead! I hope you can find the peace you seek ❤

[@anta3612]

@@darlenepartridge2464 I agree that we need to face our inner demons. However, in this particular case, it wasn't about avoidance on my part but about doing it at a pace that I could cope with (having little energy and emotional energy in particular tends to wipe me out). In that particular situation it was about the therapist not respecting my boundaries.

[@darlenepartridge2464]

I understood what you were saying too much too quick therapy shouldn’t be trauma…we need time to progress! ✌️I hope you don’t give up therapy altogether…it’s ok to look for a better fit! ❤️

[@anta3612]

@@darlenepartridge2464 You're right. It's so important to get a good fit. A therapist needs to feel safe otherwise you never get to do any deep work. I used to have a great therapist and made a lot of progress with her but, unfortunately, she's retired (due to poor health herself) which has left me still searching for another good fit. I haven't given up it's just that I've had a lot on my plate this year and am waiting for things to settle a little so as to have the reserves necessary for therapy because I know, if done properly, it'll involve a lot of hard work.

[@amandaford1278]

This was amazing! I had never thought of the inner critic in counselling before! I am always beating myself up for not going fast enough, having sessions where I just can't talk about certain topics, for not doing it well enough. I had never thought to question that voice!

[@hayley1473]

totally agree . ❤ . I have to keep practising challenging it ….trying to break the old habit of self criticism . I do it with my appearance too 🤦‍♀🙂 Wish you well with it ! 🙂👍

[@amandaford1278]

You're doing so well, you can get there. You don't have to be the person your family expects, you're a kind, loving person, give that to people who appreciate it and return it, not for the return, but because they value you. It's so hard separating and untangling our family relationships - I know it feels impossible.

[@anta3612]

Thank you, Hayley and Alex, for another content packed session. So much good stuff here. Congratulations on getting chosen to carry the Commonwealth Baton, Hayley! That is an amazing achievement, and you deserve to be proud since I'm sure it's a privilege that you thoroughly earned. While watching this therapy session I was reflecting on how, for most of my life, I've had a tendency to downplay my achievements. I tend to be very hard on and expect a lot from myself and I tend to be far harder on myself than I am on others. I tend to shrug off my accomplishments and take myself for granted: I tend to think that I should be doing more and trying harder or that what I have accomplished is insignificant and that I could have done more or better. I've only recently begun to realise that this is a pattern I've had most of my life and is probably one of the things that's been keeping my maladaptive stress response going. I've recently started to end each day by patting myself on the back. Some days I'm so exhausted I've been able to do very little, but even if it's just that I've managed to slow things down, interrupt a negative thought pattern, set a boundary or look after myself where before I'd have pushed through and ignored my needs, I say "well done" to myself even for these small things (which to be honest are not so small: changing lifelong patterns isn't easy). I'm starting to find that this new little habit has been helping reduce the negative thought patterns that tend to constantly run in the back of my mind which keep my stress levels high which in turn triggers my anxiety which leads me to plan for every imagined negative future scenario under the sun which again keeps the stress response high. It's a pattern that has been on a loop for years. I've been feeling encouraged but also shocked to discover that by doing simple things (slowing down, acknowledging my successes no matter how small: I've started to purposefully look for something to acknowledge every day) it's been slowing down the negative thought patterns as well as the running negative commentary at the back of my mind (what else is the inner critic?). I'm taking this as a sign that my nervous system is starting to settle. These sessions are immensely helpful in getting me to reflect on my own patterns so thank you again Hayley. Sending you much love. ❤

[@hayley1473]

ahh thats brilliant …so inspiring to read your words . Brilliant ! Thank you for your encouragement …i am going to keep reading what you have written here as inspiration . Thank you . ❤😊 it is so very helpful for me !

[@anta3612]

@@hayley1473 Am so glad that I'm able to give you some support back! These sessions with Alex are very helpful in providing insight. ❤

[@hayley1473]

@@anta3612 Thanks 😊. Agree with your comment above too . Yeah Alex is so good isn't he ! Thank you

[@anta3612]

@@hayley1473 Alex is very good. These videos sessions are a window on what happens in true transformative therapy. They show us what it's supposed to look like and how it should take place. I honestly can't thank the two of you enough. I've worked with several therapists over the years, and I've had mixed experiences. While I took away something from each experience (even the negative ones) it's also made me wary of therapists in general. When you sign up to work with a therapist you don't know what you'll end up getting. In the early years I used to blindly trust therapists and felt I had to accept everything they did/said because they were the professional (even when they made me feel unsafe). Like most people with a history of trauma, I didn't know how to advocate for myself or set boundaries and had very low self-esteem. Although the therapist mentioned in my comment above didn't indicate that she understood where I was coming from (even though I spent one whole session on filling her in on my background: I packed as much information as possible in that session), I felt I'd made a huge amount of progress compared to where I started (many years ago) because for the first time I did listen to myself (instead of overriding my own feelings which had been my default mode until then) stand up for myself and stepped back from a situation that I felt was not good for me.

[@hayley1473]

@@anta3612 Hi …sorry i thought i had replied . I wrote a really long one and lost it . apologies . yes its really interesting ! Thank you for your thoughts . They are really precious arent they …great therapists or therapists you click with ❤

[@lauramonica1]

Thank you guys !! Amazing 🤩 Hayley 😍

[@hayley1473]

aww thank you so much ❤ x x

[@rachel8219]

Thanks for a really inspiring session. Hayley you are such an inspiring person. Thank you for the reminder I needed about my inner critic. I resonated with the inner critic giving grief for whichever way I act. I will be batting it away xx

[@hayley1473]

thank you Rachel ! Yes the inner critic ! I guess most of us are just not taught about it are we ….literally i’m 52 and it is the first time i have ever even heard the words ‘inner critic ‘ and realised there is something i can do about it ! (Thank you Alex ) . Yes its so true , the inner critic can give us grief which ever way we do things . Its like playing whack a mole that you see at funfairs with mine …i’m bashing almost every thought i get most days . Keep up the good work Rachel ❤😊 x x

[@rachel8219]

I love the idea of Whack a mole. Great visual of what I need to do with lots of my thoughts. Thanks for putting yourself out there so I and so many others can benefit xx

[@hayley1473]

@@rachel8219 sorry Rachel ….i’m a bit late replying 🤦‍♀. Yes i’m like whack a mole with my inner critic ….its crazy ! 😂. I do like moles though 😂…just not the inner critic xx Hope you are having a lovely weekend

[@bridgetdunne3758]

Hi Hayley and Alex once again a brillant session. Hayley wow what an achievement carrying the Common Wealth batton well done your amazing. I like yourself could not see the goodness in me always putting myself down until I did the reset programme which has help me a lot not saying its perfect but a lot better than it was. I can relate too on getting extremely anxious about having to go places and doing things outside my comfort zone and have to keep reminding myself to stay in the moment and calm down I find it very helpful thank you Alex. Hayley best wishes to the coming week ❤️

[@hayley1473]

Thank you Bridget ! Glad to hear the Reset programme has helped you ! Well done you ! Its so easy for us to see the goodness in others , but not ourselves isn't it . Sending love and strength to you for the future ! thank you 😊

[@JacquiQ]

Alex: "When you are running those obsessive compulsive patterns , worrying abt the future and planning different scenarios, you are activating your NS. So in your attempt to get to a feeling of safety the very action of what you are doing to get there is taking you away from it ...the belief will be I need to fulfil these criteria to be safe ...the feeling of safety comes from slowing things down and building that sense of connection to and safety in yourself"

[@hayley1473]

its an interesting one …isnt it . I think there is a fine balance between responsible attention to planning for the future, and where that tips into ocd behaviour and its finding that balance 🙂 i’m still a work in progress - but getting there 🙂 x

[@Leethal18]

Love this, thankyou!

[@hayley1473]

❤

[@lindsay5305]

Sometimes you say 'okay' and I get the sense youre being polite and dont agree. Its ok to disagree. You work so hard at keeping others happy. Thats an observation rather than a compliment. You suffer perfectionism.

[@hayley1473]

Hi 🙂 . It’s interesting thank you 🙂 . I’m pretty well known for being an argumentative - outspoken person in life - not afraid to go against the grain and stand up and be different and fight for my beliefs. So whilst i wont deliberately be rude to someone , if i am saying ok - it may sometimes mean that i will take that concept and consider it later - i may disagree later - or i may agree- but my oks always mean i need to process further to see if i agree or not ,- that doesn't mean i will ever go against my beliefs if i feel they are different though , but i will express them in a polite way . I spent quite a while in counselling training and it’s influenced my way of being with people sometimes - so i may come across in different ways - hopefully considered and open , rather than a ‘know it all - kind of closed book ‘ hopefully lol. I like people though and always feel empathy - but i wont always please them if I disagree - so its a bit of a both if that makes sense .

[@lindsay5305]

@@hayley1473 I like people being forthright. One of my autismy traits