Compilation of Michael's Best Jokes About Long Term Relationships | Michael McIntyre

[@maryannanderson7517]

I loved how he referred his wife to last year's card to find all the "sweet" things he wanted to say to her. I was married for almost 31 years before my husband died but we had been married about 15 years and I asked him (why do women always do this?) "Why don't you tell me you love me?" (I knew he did because his actions said he did but I just wanted the words.) He said, "Well, I've told you I love you in the past, right?" I said, "Yes". He said, "Well if I ever change my mind I'll let you know."

[@briannasumbillo1658]

Omg that's brilliant lol

[@eirikmurito]

Haha

[@daisylouise5501]

That's brilliant. Sorry for your loss

[@piperuk5366]

Ahahaha!!! Gold!! 👍🤣

[@maeking5268]

That's so amazing.. ❤

[@sharonmendes5272]

LIKE HOW HE USES HIS FIRST JOKE TO FINSH THE LAST JOKE !!!

[@DM-kv9kj]

That's one of the oldest stand-up writing tricks in the book mate. This guy's painting by numbers and everyone calls him a "genius"... Bizarre.

[@amywarren8213]

Austin Dyer well at least he makes people laugh

[@wynwilliams6977]

@@DM-kv9kj SO go do it yourself if it is so easy

[@VRDennis]

It's called a call back. It's something most successful comics do

[@timbradshaw5481]

It's so cheap it's not even funny. I feel dirty when I use it, there's no skill. Its cheap but it works, like selling your soul to the devil.

[@jc9552]

Spot on. He is a brilliant observer with just every day average stuff.

[@mirkovalli1397]

Well..his wife is right on pretty much everything 🤣

[@johnstew8617]

Yes

[@hfyaer]

Except spontaneity. She clearly meant the opposite.

[@chaniefeldmanLevin]

What monster opens a new milk when theres one already one open??!!!

[@karenwangari4057]

I know!So annoying

[@kstormgeistgem461]

honestly? it's never mentioned as to whether the milk left over is still good or just only good for making buttermilk biscuits. if the milk moves more like sludge than liquid, then i'd go with the bigger question of why he didn't just chuck it.

[@thetruth3316]

Are you his wife?

[@mckavitt]

Chanie Feldman-Levin I live w one who opens new everything before the old one is finished.

[@antoniajane5442]

My 19 year old son...

[@jipke]

The dishwasher part is so relatable.

[@jipke]

@Mister Physics I know what you're talking about, mate, been there. But I was actually referring to the wife bending over and then me groping her lovely butt.

[@Mushroom321-]

@@jipke haha , YES,.. so relatable.. 🤣

[@kerensabirch5214]

I ended up asking my man to not grab my butt EVERY time I walked past him in the kitchen.

[@l3onkers]

He always ties the joke together at the end giving credit to those who bothered to listen previously and making you feel special for getting it.

[@davisperron4260]

Yeah so even if you missed the whole middle part you can walk away still thinking he was funny 😂

[@KISSArmySoldier]

"The only thing you clear in this house on a regular basis is your internet history and it's disgusting" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@johnstriker480]

"I still love you. ....See last year's card for full details." xDDD

[@johnstriker480]

0:44

[@leptoon]

Yeah that is definitely a thing he said. Why you're quoting a video that everyone who would read your quote literally JUST watched, and why your comment has almost 900 "likes", I have no idea.

[@natv55]

@@leptoon This is very common in the comments - people quote the bit that rang true with them the most/made them laugh the most etc. I guess it depends on what videos you're watching 🤔

[@generalbaryonyx6850]

It’s a weird thing to do but it doesn’t bother me it’s just strange

[@thedarkness97]

@@generalbaryonyx6850 I just put a timestamp and a laughter emoji..

[@cactusmom8203]

6:03 "look at me- im n e k e d~"

[@aestheticnugget6284]

That one episode with rachel in friends when she was home alone 😂😂

[@juliad9947]

I've been married for 14 years now and I totally relate to that. Spontaneity is almost impossible when you have kids 😁

[@banjopiggottwright1802]

"You might as well put it in the fn garden" One of the best uses of the f word ever.

[@evieatkins2047]

anyone notice the woman at 8.03 that said to the person next to her that 'that's you' when Michael was talking about spontaneous dishwasher loading 😂

[@carolodell6145]

Yes I did mentioned further up. He certainly is a observer of people and action

[@borleyboo5613]

‘I knocked her in by mistake’. OMG! I’m crying. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@lifewuzonceezr]

LOL, ex would think it was funny to smack my arse while I bent over, and my fat arse would ripple up my back, tipping me over!

[@rukhsanamehrban9125]

Has to be my favourite comedian by far!! 👌🏻He’s hilarious 😂

[@janelletorres5296]

I completely understand her! The everlasting battle in my house!

[@billysinge8977]

Janelle Torres fucking hell, you need to sort out your priorities

[@bt7846]

@@billysinge8977 yoy have to honor the orhers' work.

[@mariebourgot4949]

@@billysinge8977 Oh, because you are the one to do the dishes and laundry?

[@MerimaTropoja]

Putting empty boxes back in the cupboard, fridge ,why do men this??? If it's empty it's trash, throw it away.

[@Beatdownkioskman]

women do it as well, my own mother does this so you're just man hating

[@krisbest6405]

Less than a teaspoon of milk put back is just lazy, also an empty toilet roll.

[@julius_726]

So she won't know I finished it in one go; it will take a few days for her to realise and so it will look normal.

[@DuchessOfDoofus]

Lol 100% female right here and I am 100% guilty of this XD

[@raspberrymojitogirldec]

My mum does that lol

[@SineadLaws]

I've never watched Michael McIntyre and not laughed out loud enough to feel I've done my abs workout for the day.

[@davisperron4260]

That’s a pretty good sign. He doesn’t make me laugh that hard but he does make me laugh out loud which is pretty unusual for standup comedians

[@mathewdsouza3397]

Micheal, you are one of the best comedians of all time!

[@JayWelton92]

8:00 "that's you" lol can't imagine how many people just said the same thing. I know i've done that in the past :/

[@annaandrea8320]

You are my favourite stand up comedian. I love the fact that you are not vulgar, even though you make quite a lot of sex jokes. You are brilliant! Thank you for sharing your work on KZbin!

[@donna19968]

Oh my God!! This is the exact conversation I have with my partner all the time.........and nothing changes!!!! .. ....

[@hannahdiane8451]

8:01 The woman said to her husband “that’s you” 😂 Also Michael , me and my bestie Bethan are massive fans and always listen to your jokes in our art class 😂

[@magmafang7187]

Shouldn't you be doing art

[@hannahdiane8451]

Jakub Gdaniec it’s the thought that counts lol

[@hannahdiane8451]

Magma Fang yeah but we listen to Michael McIntyre whilst doing art

[@bonnienash8585]

@@hannahdiane8451 I love hearing you are doing art , art opens parts of the brain and can help with memory and cognitive movement. It's also been proven to help stress and anxiety. Take no notice of comments from others keep enjoying art . Michael is great he lives close to us in North London ☺️.

[@jooprodederode9329]

This is not a joke, this is real...but if you don't understand, it's a joke. The one came from Corsica the other came from Georgia, and the third came from Austria, and all three did the same, but they did the same for the same ... and We serve the same ... understand History ....

[@ozzeelady6029]

BRILLIANT never have too much of Michael McIntyre’s comedy. 💖

[@simplyso4363]

I never get tired of this one. It’s still good no matter the time 😂

[@sarahrenfrow9795]

Anytime I am just a little bit down, I rewatch one of his videos. Now, I’m down to re-re-rewatching and he’s still funny!

[@chyfields]

Thank you for the laughter you bring to my life.

[@bebeveritas7306]

Mr. McIntyre is the ONLY living comedian who can make me laugh so hard!

[@maymadison3620]

This is not just comedy he's giving life lessons y'alll. Gooold

[@faatimahabrahams8212]

“I’ve read three books” Oh boyyyyy

[@shaya9745]

“If you open up one more milk.......” I’m shitting myself laughing and it’s 3am so I’m trying to be quiet

[@tinyspyro8163]

Haha same xD 😆 I'm trying to not wake up the whole house but I can't stop laughing 🤣

[@charlottecolley8713]

YOU ARE SO HILARIOUS AND CONVEY TRUE DAILY REALITY IN THE BEST EVER OF WAYS. SIMPLY ADORE YOU

[@rachelring2542]

Yes, cannot take ladies for granted😍😍

[@sandyporteous1811]

Love your shows, have watched them all many times

[@krisbest6405]

This is where the f word is used correctly, you might as well put it in the fn garden, a masterpiece.

[@Hasan...]

So is it 4 years? 8 years? 12 years or 13 years? I think Mrs. Michael is gonna have a Word with him one more time tonight.

[@doms6741]

4 years married 8 years together before hand. That's 12 years. Then at a show a year later its 13 years

[@bellasofiamartiinez]

Not really. The first clip it's just 4-5 years earlier. The clips are not from the same show

[@grimreaper8217]

*Mrs McIntyre*

[@MerimaTropoja]

@@doms6741 It's not 8 + 4 years, out of the 8 years they have been together they have been married for 4.

[@johnjohansson6277]

This is a compilation of joke from different shows over the years. He obviously told one joke after 4 years, another after 8 and the other joke after 13 years....

[@19lashby5]

I choked on my biscuit. literally was putting an empty packet back in the cupboard during that joke and literally choked.

[@rg2265]

"Goes down as a whole" is priceless. 🤣 "Is there anything else?" is even more priceless. 🤭

[@karolinat4157]

Dishwasher = my husband. Biscuits = my sons. Men 😲🤣

[@caralama08]

Karolina T Because women DO TOO MUCH FOR THEM!

[@faketohma]

My brother took the last hot pocket out of the freezer and left the box in there. In fact he did it not once but twice. Imagine wanting a certain food and you reach into an EMPTY box (twice) I found a coffee can in the pantry with no cofffe and a Dunkin’ Donuts empty coffee bag inside. I was like there no way my mon would do this this is my brother

[@kat369-mine]

Lol, I swear, I laugh no matter how many times I watch his shows.

[@viviennepopek]

He is sooooo seriously adorable! 💞😂💖😂💞

[@zoedujour]

I feel that "milk" comment in my soul.

[@mrs.thomas-usmcwife5686]

This is so funny, but its only because it's true! Love this!!

[@rkfavourites9489]

As a woman, I agree with the wife on evertyhing re: the milk, dishes etc - isn't it common sense?

[@jacdaniels4039]

*clears throat* "MiNiMuM"

[@mothiurNCL]

Yes - Real men

[@Hankblue]

I don’t agree re the milk. Like why on earth are you getting upset that there are two milks to choose from?? How could this possibly affect you?

[@susivarga7303]

@@Hankblue Depends. If they have the same expiry date, it's just a lazy thing to do but causes no real issues. However if you start using the second bottle and let the first one go off, that's is just plain stupidity.

[@FoxGlove8]

@@Hankblueexpiry date- it has to be finished 3ish days after it’s opened

[@camillaholmberg3951]

Very funny! But is it just me or does his wife sound a lot like bridget from bridget jones? The expressions, awkwardness and tone is on point 😁

[@beatrizlopez9520]

Simply lovely! We got so much rain yesterday and today the sky is cloudy but after this video, sleep all you want sun!

[@tommillard4193]

Why am I watching this I ain't getting a long-term relationship ever 😂

[@daltontomkins5406]

Omg I relate

[@bt7846]

Long term doesn't have to mean same roof.

[@megabyteme5545]

@@yjy5448 go back to the basement troll!😂😂

[@mariebourgot4949]

@@yjy5448 You're so unaware of yourself that yu can only project on other. I pity any women, girls who's ever been in your life.

[@fozzybear8878]

@@yjy5448 FFS, you are a fool. Just an incel who has no appeal to women. Fuck off this thread.

[@TheRoxen92]

the only thing you clean in this house, on a regular basis is your internet history and it’s disgusting 😂😂😂

[@hmms5256]

OMFG That empty packet back in the cupboard, UGH! Both my sister's and our dad do that. Mum still thinks it's me for some reason 😭😭😭

[@janpraje]

08:22 "Jesus! There's a spoon in my eye." "Sorry, I was trying to be SPOONTANEOUS" 😂😂

[@lucelu551]

spontaneous.😀

[@gypsywoman9140]

@@lucelu551 They were making a pun by playing on words

[@johnlargan6045]

He is brilliant! Could easily have his own television series.

[@Mushroom321-]

My gosh!, Your impersonations , gestures , paceing is hilarious.. 🤣 I LOVE it!! 😃 I wish I could meet you to thank you!! for so much resonating w/ the pet peeves part.. 😲

[@Idkwhatuser123]

8:03 that woman said to her bf of screen "that's you" read her lips XD 🤣🤣🤣 I'm weak

[@JaneDoe-ci3gj]

I love the knowing looks the couples in the audience give each other!😂👍

[@BennyboyTrades]

*Please turn over, the page*

[@ayes143]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[@flamefox8989]

Warning! Do not eat & drink whilst watching this hilarious funny man🤣 I spluttered a mouthful of tea. 😂

[@zoewood555]

Haha I do that now. I’m a newly wed but we’ve together for 5 years ❤️

[@user-zi8lg5qu1h]

This guy was building up a practical joke his whole marriage That is what i call comedian

[@ashleyfaller1068]

It's so accurate, about the muting of the t.v and getting re dressed and putting on the glasses ..laughed out...

[@leiladekwatro3147]

the "please turn over...the page" part was genius

[@shaunaleessnackidies]

I laughed the whole time and finally got belly laughs that hurt! It’s been so long, so good job! And I snorted! 😂

[@dianaamiri9520]

everything is super relatable :)))))))))). he is amazing

[@benwanada]

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our one year anniversary today. This is a hilarious coincidence.

[@sumguy835]

That’s lucky, you might not have remembered if you didn’t see this. ESSO sell flowers...

[@NurseInTraining]

Awww...congrats. I hope you two continue to be very happy.

[@nickymorgan3793]

Happy Anniversary 😄

[@786qad]

Get her pregnant before she runs away

[@aliciagraham9401]

Cuteeee

[@marshamahaney6997]

Very funny, very relatable! Thank you 😄😆

[@patrickdurso9746]

8:03 That woman saying 'That's you' 😂😂😂

[@hypatiakovalevskayasklodow9195]

After hearing things like this, I am so grateful for my husband

[@tirsden]

Yeah I mean he comes off as funny but I'd be infuriated with him too, wouldn't put up with that kinda ridiculousness. A human being needs to value their space (and their honesty) better than that regardless of who is around them. On the flip side, the whole "be spontaneous / argh why did you just do that" thing is also stupid, but I don't "get" the average woman myself, regardless of what genderbits I have downstairs.

[@hypatiakovalevskayasklodow9195]

@@tirsden Same, SAME! I think we are all brainwashed to behave in certain ways a d to hide our emotions on regular basis and we also expect from others to behave in a certain way... It's like a shared delusion spread to most of our society, and then when people don't act according to it, we're disappointed If we would speak our true feleings more often, if we would reflect more... 99% of people I know just seem too immature for that, no matter their age men are raised to treat their wives as new mom-servants and women are raised to think that's normal anf men're just like that and there is nothing to be done about it... imagine if we all preffered to break up a relationship than serve a man-child they'd have to toughen up and actually "be a man" and not just some child with added sexual drive?

[@oliviaredito3437]

My goodness what a bunch of losers in this comment section 😭🤣

[@piperuk5366]

I am sat in my car, on my own, outside my house, laughing like a hyenna. Going to look like an idiot if I suddenly stop laughing hysterically and get out the car and go indoors straight-faced, so, am now considering what sort of a smile to maintain without also looking like a complete twat!!! 🤔😁

[@ritaharris2372]

he has nailed this.

[@infiniteinspiration1628]

OMG he's the best! Love your humour Michael!😂😂😂😂😂🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@PangLiur]

i love you, please turn over XD

[@patrickbonham949]

😂😂😂

[@Larrysbride]

"The only thing that you clean in this house is your internet history" 🤣🤣🤣

[@horsez4eva18]

OMG him talking about his wifes lecture to him is the EXACT same as me and my boyfriend...THE GOD DAMN SAME 😂

[@sunitafisher4758]

🌸 married life.....you have to come up with new shit every year, jump through hoops etc lol 😂 Socks off if it’s a special occasion lol 😂

[@groovin2mytune285]

That just cracks me up every time I watch it! Women from everywhere are thanking you, Michael! When we are needing a "chat", all we have to do is play this.... hahahaha!

[@AeliaM16Lake]

"Men don't need to be seduced.. We can seduce ourselves unknowingly in our sleep" 💀

[@rodmanm.papros4535]

"I knocked her in".... I can't breathe 😂

[@ahmedtawe3na459]

Those on long term relationships will laugh more than those who are not.

[@patricemarie2960]

I love this man .... He sends cards!!!! ........

[@RickHignett]

Ha! I really feel for Michael’s Wife on the whole Dishwasher thing. That said, when I lived with my brother & we had a Mini Dishwasher, I’d actually prefer him to leave his dirty Plates & Cutlery next to it because he didn’t know how to load it properly. Ok, so I DO have OCD, but those who think it’s all about that.... it’s not! There IS a proper way to load a Dishwasher to maximise space & ensure all the things get washed properly & this kinda shit gets discovered through Trial & Error. So, for those blokes who get the same shit from their Partners about leaving their Plate NEAR to the Dishwashers, don’t just chuck it in anywhere & think you’re helping - think beforehand & just work out the best place for it.... better yet, FFS ASK! Lol After all, successful relationships are all about GOOD COMMUNICATION! 😉

[@robyndare7723]

oml ME XD

[@bt7846]

Are you single?

[@YRTEverything]

He's a Champ in delivery

[@ks7485]

I lost it at: “It might as well be in the fucking garden” 😂😂😂

[@gingertoastd9367]

“Please turn over - *the page* - please turn over” *glad he specified*

[@anjameurer9708]

At least your dishes land in the kittchen!😂😂😂

[@CovidConQuitTheCensorship]

Hahaha I hear ya 😂😂

[@truecrime8352]

By spontaneous; buy her a bouquet of flowers out of nowhere 😂

[@cosmos8970]

He's brilliant. I've never enjoyed British Comedians but he puts the Yanks to Shame.

[@BarterTom]

I was watching Inglourious Basterds with a friend on my bed once and then she suddenly paused it. I just remembered.

[@SaltySirenFloriduh]

Why is this my husband?! 😂😂😂

[@katrinablackwood7909]

My stomach has never hurt more

[@mckavitt]

Katrina Blackwood Mine has. It was whilst watching The Steve Allen Show in which he celebrated his 80th birthday. It lasted at least an hour & we didn’t stop laughing one second from beginning to end.

[@nattyt-zk2nx]

The woman at 8:03 says that’s you to her man 😂😂😂

[@lifewuzonceezr]

Lol, first screaming row with my husband..I missed the pail with a nappy, didn't notice until he was screaming at me for being LAZY, with our handicapped newborn and being on my own for a whole month!! Minus breakfast dishes and that one nappy, the place was Spotless!!

[@jenniferwren76]

lifewuzonceezr I would have ripped him a new one!

[@elaynaterrell3576]

My god I have never in my life laughed this hard! Im crying!

[@phoenixdawn217able]

🤣🤣🤣 the dishwasher scene ! 🤣

[@mapleacer9925]

"I still love you …see last years card for full details" 🤣🤣🤣PERFECTION. That's the best line.

[@cherrytate7149]

OH ....GOODNESS.🤣🤣 HAVENT LAUGHED SO MUCH IN AGES . 🍾🥂😍😍😍🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@SandraNelson063]

Dr. Phil says that when you ask your wife how things are and she answers "Fine!" In a clipped , sharp tone...the marriage is over and the husband had no idea there was anything wrong. He thought he was getting away with it.

[@jenellsaphid]

Sandra Nelson you believe Phil?

[@Denidrakes69]

I was taught that fine, stands for Fucked up Insecure Neurotic & Emotional. 😉

[@ecb1979]

Only if your wife doesn't know how to communicate or has a partner who doesn't try.

[@boffyboydj]

@@ecb1979 Wanna talk about it honey ?

[@ecb1979]

@@boffyboydj sure snuggle butt.

[@xuanliu9712]

I love your jokes. It is all too real, hahaha.

[@amayastrata4629]

My husband does that with the milk. However, as I don’t drink milk, he can do what he wants with it. If it goes off, it’s on him. However, I retain that knowledge of gone off milk when he has a go at me for any gone off blueberries I have. Shuts him up straight away. Life’s little pleasures.

[@TimsPracticalPrepping]

I’ll consider myself to be in a long term relationship when we have our 30th anniversary in a few months!

[@deborahtyson9005]

Congratulations 👍. Laughter is always the best medicine..,, 😁👏

[@melanieohara6941]

hahaha. Story of my life. SO glad I am single now.🙋🏼‍♀️

[@collinslfc]

Getting knocked into the dishwasher by your spontaneous partner is the story of your life? Interesting.

[@KatWoman83]

Same!

[@Dough-jg8xp]

@@collinslfc eh?

[@briannasproule362]

8:03 “that’s you” 🤣🤣